David S. Atkinson's Blog, page 286

The Oddest Thing Paul Auster’s “The Book Of Illusions” Made Me Think Of

I just finished reading Paul Auster’s The Book of Illusions and it was an odd experience precisely because of how off it wasn’t. That lack of oddness was in itself odd because it oddly made me think of something totally unrelated. Odd. Odd. Odd.

The Book of Illusions is a well done, realistic book. It is by no means ordinary, but it wasn’t what I was expecting given that the only other fiction I’d read by Auster was The New York Trilogy. If you’ve read The New York Trilogy, you know why unodd realism was the last thing I was expecting. I kept expecting things to turn weird, and they never did. Of course, nothing in The Book of Illusions ever suggested it would and it is a terrible literary sin to expect that one work by an author has anything to do with another.

Still, constantly expecting the weirdness that was not suggested and never came oddly made me think of my voice mail message.

You see, I always liked having odd voice mail messages. When I first started law school, I changed my voice mail message to indicate that I couldn’t come to the phone because I had a Hobbesian stick stuck in my Lockean bundle after one of my constitutional law classes. I loved voice messages like that and always used them.

However, when I started applying for law jobs, one of my friends got enraged that I was using messages like that. She insisted I needed to have a professional message. If a potential legal employer got one of my funny messages, it would all be over. She FORCED me to change my message. Then she called the message to inspect and make sure I had followed orders.

Of course, she was laughing hysterically the entire time. The message was perfectly ordinary. All I said was my name, that I couldn’t come to the phone, and that I’d call back promptly. However, she was so expecting that I would screw around again that she was sure the other shoe would drop at any minute and a joke would break out. So sure the joke was coming despite the fact that it never did, she almost pissed herself laughing at my completely ordinary message. It was probably my funniest message ever, dry humor requiring a very particular context.

Regardless, that’s what I kept thinking of as I read The Book of Illusions, expecting weirdness that would never come. I thought about putting this all in my goodreads review, but it’s just too long a story that really has nothing to do with the book. I just decided to put it here instead.

Activities To Make The Holidays More Entertaining

I thought I’d share some ideas for some fun ways to spend the Christmas and such holidays today here on my blog. As I’ve gotten older, Christmas just doesn’t seem as much fun. However, I’ve come up with a few ways to try to get some of that fun back. I thought it would be good, in the spirit of the season to share.

Anyway, here we go:

- Next time you see one of the Christmas tree displays with fake presents underneath in the lobby of a commercial building, stop and unwrap one. Act surprised that it doesn’t have anything in it. Then ask where the exchange department is.

- Bring milk and cookies to a mall Santa. Explain that you thought you’d take care of this now as your cat usually eats anything you leave out.

- Take the whole ‘secret Santa’ thing to a whole new level. Buy a gift for your chosen person, then sneak into their home and attempt to hide it among their possessions so they never notice. Hint: perishable items like raw eggs make excellent presents.

- Attempt to chemically isolate the ‘nog’ from eggnog this year. You will solve the energy crisis if you succeed. I believe this involves something about sublimating it in a proper subliming vessel, but I could be mistaken.

- Send out rejection letters for any Christmas cards you receive. Dear card submitter: we are sorry, but your wish of “Seasons Greetings” just did not feel compelling to us. Please take this as indicative of our tastes as editors and not as a comment on your ability to send a greeting card. We wish you luck in finding a willing recipient of your Christmas cheer.

And there we have it. Follow one or two of these simple ideas and I bet you’ll have a fun Christmas. A few of them might even get you some people to spend the holidays with…possibly incarcerated people.

Taxi Drivers Need To Pick A Rule And Stick With It

Here is a decree: taxi drivers need to pick a rule regarding the light on top of the taxi and stick with it. I can never remember whether this light is supposed to be on or off when the taxi is available (I think off, though I think it is called an “in service” light), and I don’t really care. If this was uniformly followed either way, it wouldn’t make a difference.

Recently, my wife and I were in downtown Denver on a Saturday evening for a work holiday party. We managed to take the train and mall shuttle down, but we know we would have trouble returning home that way afterward. The Parade of Lights was the same night and though it was to be over by the time we were done, downtown would be a mess and the shuttles and trains wouldn’t be running right (the shuttle stopped at Market street station from Union station and the D line wasn’t running any further downtown than 18th). We planned to take a cab.

Admittedly, it probably wasn’t too smart to think we would be able to get a cab. We knew how crowded it was going to be. All of the taxis we were going to be able to find were probably going to be full. However, we thought we’d try.

After all, it didn’t hurt to look, right? Well, it actually kind of did. The problem was that half the taxis had the light on top of the taxi on, and half had it off. Attempting to locate a free taxi in this way was problematic, because they were all already occupied. The light was meaningless.

We’d decide the light on meant the taxi was available. We’d go running for a taxi with the light on. Then the taxi driver would wave us away because the taxi was full. We’d then decide the light off meant the taxi was available. We’d go running for a taxi with the light off, but again the taxi driver would wave us away because the taxi was full. After some time of this, we started getting pretty upset.

Finally, we just walked from as far as we could go on the mall shuttle to where we could pick up the train (not easy for my wife who had worn heels and not brought other shoes), but not without incident. Is it really so much to ask that the taxi drivers pick a rule and stick with it? Sure, it might not have meant that we would have found an available taxi that way, but we would have at least not gone running after full taxis. If we’d been able to tell for sure whether every taxi we saw was already being used or not, we might actually have been able to find a taxi (or not uselessly expend effort).

Taxi drivers: obey my orders!

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

I think you can tell a lot about a person by where they are known by name. Remember Cheers? Wasn’t that bit from the theme song something like “a place where everybody knows your name” or something like that? Personally, I think if you are at a bar so often that everyone knows your name and you don’t work there, you might have a drinking problem. Of course, I don’t think anyone ever got drunk on Cheers.

Apparently I’ve hit this level of customer-ship at Tattered Cover. I’m pretty pleased with that. I’ve really made an effort this year to support my local independent. I had gotten way too into the habit of using Amazon because I could order a book whenever the whim struck me and just wait for it to show up like a lazy American. However, I realized that it was just as easy to order it online to the Tattered Cover and go over to pick it up when it arrived. I use a few other online independents, like Powell’s, when I can’t get something through Tattered Cover, but I’ve really tried to take my business to my local independent when possible over the last year.

And, apparently it has been noticed. My wife and I were downtown on Saturday for a work holiday party and we stopped by Tattered Cover on the way home so I could pick out a new book. I walked up to the register and the guy at the counter said “Atkinson?” and started to reach for the held book area (where they put books you order online to wait for you to pick up). I then had to inform him that this time I actually had nothing on hold and was just there to buy the one in my hand.

Still, I was flattered. I hadn’t said anything, and hadn’t handed over a card of any kind. I wasn’t wearing a name tag. But, he recognized me anyway. He recognized me and immediately remembered my name.

By the way, just so you know, Tattered Cover is independent but it is by no means small. It isn’t like only one guy works there, which would be less surprising in such a case if he had learned my name. Tattered Cover is a good-sized bookstore, pretty big actually. There is a pretty decent sized staff. I can think of at least seven or eight different clerks that I run into frequently when buying books at that location alone. The only explanation is that I have in fact been buying a lot of books at Tattered Cover, enough to start getting recognized and having my name remembered.

Now, not many people may care much about this, but it seemed pretty cool to me. A bookstore seems like a pretty decent place to frequent enough to be recognized. It certainly beats being recognized for frequent purchases at the local McDonald’s.

Let’s Confuse Some Doomsday Prophecies

Let’s have some fun today. It seems as if someone confuses something on the Internet that it ends up sooner or later being quoted by someone and thus generating a hopeless tangle of misinformation that can never be unwound. Irritating as that sometimes is, let’s use it to our advantage. Let’s cause some apocalypse confusion.

I thought what we’d do today is to mix and match a bunch of things from various doomsday prophecies in a way that makes no sense at all. If anyone actually picks up on them and repeats them as ‘truth,’ bonus points. In any event, this just seems like fun for me and so I’m doing it.

Here we go:

- Nostradamus predicted the end of Mayans on the 21st day of December 2012.

- God was supposed to rapture all computer systems on the year 2000 because he hadn’t coded the universe with enough decimal places to handle all the Internet addresses that any more beyond those built by then would require. Thankfully, Vatican programmers were able to edit the universe to give God some more decimal places.

- The Mayans predicted that they’d end Nostradamus by hitting him over the head with one of their stone calendars.

- A spaceship was actually waiting behind the Hale–Bopp comet to pick up Heaven’s Gate cult members, but they took off at the last minute because they didn’t want to get involved in the escalating argument between Nostradamus and the Mayans.

- God raptured both Nostradamus and the Mayans because the Hale-Bopp comet needed more decimal places.

Wasn’t that fun? Well, maybe it wasn’t for anyone but me. Thankfully, my own amusement is generally my only motivation for posting something.

Roger Huston Is A New Hero Of Mine

I just want to say that Roger Huston is a new hero of mine.You might not know who Roger Huston is, but I do. If you read a little further, you’ll see why he is a new hero of mine. I think the guy deserves it.

For those who don’t know, Roger Huston is an announcer at a horse track in Pennsylvania. Apparently, a bunch of deer jumped onto the track in the middle of a race. Huston rolled with events, reportedly announcing things like: “As they race down the track, Bambi has the lead. Here comes Rudolph from the outside!”

You can read all about it here.

Now, I know that this guy didn’t save any lives or anything like that, but I still think this guy deserves some recognition. Few of us are able to react that quickly when life throws something at us that we are, based on the context, that utterly unprepared for. Huston actually managed to react, and react with humor.

I can only applaud him and hope that one day I’ll be able to come up with a line like that in a similar situation. It may not be a big deal to everyone, but to me it seems like something special.

Home Pregnancy Tests Should Not Be An Impulse Buy

I’ve probably said this before, but I just don’t think that home pregnancy tests should be an impulse buy. I’m just going to ignore whether or not I’ve talked about this before, because a friend of mine went to Casa Bonita last night and that happened to remind me of this issue.

Last time I went to Casa Bonita, we happened to go to the grocery store in the same shopping plaza as the restaurant. As we were checking out, I happened to notice that the impulse buy aisle had home pregnancy tests.

Now, it may be that I am not as enlightened as I like to consider myself, but this seems like a disturbing state of affairs. The impulse buy section is for items that you never knew you needed, things like candy bars and sodas that a grocery store convinces you to buy last-minute and you never planned on. As much as I don’t think I should tell people how they should order their social lives, I think home pregnancy tests should be a purchase you PLAN…not one you happen to decide on upon impulse.

For example, I don’t think this situation is a good one: Hmm. I’m standing waiting to check out at the grocery store. Hey, there’s a home pregnancy test. I wonder if I might be pregnant. Maybe I should get one of those.

This, in my view, should not happen. If you might be pregnant, I think this should occur to you prior to the checkout line at a grocery store. I think they should be easily available, but I definitely think purchase of such should be part of a planned course of action. The first time this occurs to you should not be on a whim at a grocery store.

Of course, I have no right to tell people how they should live their lives. Regardless, this is my opinion.

Most Interesting Person I Never Met

I was just thinking this morning of all the potentially interesting people who I’ve seen during the course of my life who I never talked to and never found out any more about. I’m sure you know the sort I’m talking about, the sort where there was something extremely unusual about them and you didn’t ask any questions out of safety…though there was surely an interesting story there. People you always remember but didn’t actually know anything about.

I’m thinking this morning about one guy in particular I saw on a bus trip one time. I only actually saw him briefly. It was a non-stop meandering three-day bus trip from Omaha to Seattle and I believe he was only on one short leg of the trip with me. We didn’t even sit close on the bus itself. I actually only saw him briefly in a bus station while waiting to get on the bus for the next leg.

I only saw him briefly, and he just stood there quietly and didn’t really do anything, but I still remember him. I can picture him in my head and the memory of him standing there still comes back to me after almost twenty years.

In general, I suppose he didn’t look that odd overall. He had a backpack and wore a denim jacket that was an identical white acid wash to his denim jeans. He might have had on a white t-shirt, but it was the denim jacket and jeans that really got my attention…because he had crosses drawn all over both in black ballpoint pen.

Yup, thousands of crosses. Thousands and thousands of crosses. They weren’t art-like crosses, no calligraphy or anything like that, just quickly scrawled crosses covering almost every possible surface of his denim jacket and jeans. He didn’t seem to notice them and neither did anyone else. He (and everyone else) just acted like they weren’t there.

Was he a severe schizophrenic? Did he have delusions of being pursued by endless streams of relentless and terrible demons? Was this the only way he thought he could protect himself? Did he think it was a normal way to accessorize his (matching) jacket and jeans? Was it just a strange fashion statement? Was he trapped in the middle of some bad 80s occult movie that would only show on television Sunday afternoons where he had to endlessly travel the countryside by bus in order to defeat a devil lord who looked suspiciously like Eric Roberts?

Really, there was no way to be sure because I didn’t get anywhere near him and didn’t speak to him. It was just a bus ride, after all. I just happened to notice him when I glanced over and he maybe glanced back once.

Still, he had to have been one of the most potentially interesting people I never met. I ponder this from time to time, but I’ve never regretted that I didn’t speak.

This Has Been Quite A Writing Year So Far

This has been quite a writing year so far. I just got word that my story “The Bricklayer’s Ambiguous Morality” has been accepted for the Spring 2013 issue of The Lincoln Underground. This is my ninth short story acceptance this year.

But…that isn’t all. This is also the year that my novel in short story form Bones Buried in the Dirt was accepted by River Otter Press (thanks again to all the wonderful people over at River Otter Press). That book will be forthcoming in March 2013.

But, that still isn’t all.  I’ve published 27 book reviews so far this year. I’ve written a respectably sized bunch of original stories this year, revised countless others, read a ton (222 books so far, about 66,854 pages), and even wrote an entire short novel in the month of January. Two of my previously accepted stories were selected for anthologies and Atticus Review was even kind enough to publish a short essay of mine about my thoughts on the short story form.

It’s just been an amazing year for me for writing. The year isn’t even over yet and I’ve already got enough that I’d be satisfied if it had been for two years or more. I’m just floored.

Of course, this is going to raise my expectations a bit for 2013…

Are We Done With The Mayans Yet?

Are we done talking about the Mayans yet? Have we hit the point in 2012 where we think they said the world was going to end? I thought someone said that was supposed to have been pretty soon, but I can’t remember. I don’t know if we have to wait for 2012 to be over or not. I’m kind of hoping we’re done with this and can move on.

I’m not entirely sure on this because I haven’t checked. I heard about this, as one can’t have helped hearing (I tried), but I never investigated further. Really, I didn’t care too much. I had other things to do.

After all, given the history of these things (the recent Raptures, Y2K, Heaven’s Gate, and so on ad nauseum), I thought there was a pretty good chance nothing was going to happen. As a preliminary matter, I thought there was a good chance that we were misinterpreting what the Mayans had said and they hadn’t really predicted the end of the world at all. We tend to do that. Beyond that, even if the Mayans did predict the end of the world in 2012, it seemed like a significant chance that they were wrong. I’m sure they did stuff like that too.

Mind you, I didn’t want to be too arrogant about this. People predict the end of the world all the time, but I suppose somebody could be right someday. However, even if this were true and the world was going to end in 2012 as predicted by the Mayans…what the hell could I do about it?

That’s right, nothing. I couldn’t do anything about it if it was true…so I just didn’t worry about it.

Either way, has the date passed? Does anyone know? I’m just wondering if we’re done with the Mayans now and can move onto the next apocalypse scenario. I’m sure we’ve got one waiting in the wings.