David S. Atkinson's Blog, page 279

I Think I’m Reading Too Much Again

I think I’m reading too much again. I set a Goodreads goal of 150 books for this year, and by the time this runs I’ll have read 46 books so far in 2013. Keep in mind, it’s February 16th. I’ll definitely finish 50, a third of my goal, but the end of February, or 1/6 of the year. Clearly, I’m reading too much again.

Of course, I don’t think that reading is a problem…even a lot of reading. However, I can easily spend time reading at the expense of writing. I have to remind myself sometimes to back off the reading and spend more time writing. 50 books for February probably means I’m not spending enough time writing.

I have been writing, though. I haven’t written a new story yet in 2013, but I’ve been working on revisions of four or five different stories. I’ve also been spending a lot of time trying to market the book, Bones Buried in the Dirt. It’s not like I’ve just been lazy.

Still, 50 books for February probably indicates a problem. I really need to spend a little more time writing in March. Maybe it’s time to get going on that next story. There are just so many drafts that need revision.

I Would Like To Be The First To Welcome Our New Meteorite Overlords

There has been a lot of talk about the meteors over Russia. I heard a lot of talk about how these meteors were UFOs, and I mean the ‘flying saucer’ kind as opposed to the ‘any flying object we simply haven’t identified yet’ kind. Well, people are close. We’ve actually just been visited by an alien race of meteorites.

That’s right, it’s a race of super-intelligent meteorites that comes from somewhere near Pluto. They have constructed highly advanced meteorite cities and live extremely sophisticated meteorite lives. Why they have chosen this time to make first contact with our world is a mystery, but experts suspect they just like smacking into planets.

Of course, I’ve heard something about the Russians blowing at least one of these out of the sky. I can neither confirm nor deny this, but I hope not. The meteorites are a peaceful race, but their meteorite technology is way beyond anything we have today. There is a meteorite gap. If they take something like this the wrong way and choose to retaliate, we could be in for a world of hurt. It isn’t wise to anger the meteorites.

We’ll just have to keep a watch on this and see what develops. Regardless, I would like to be the first to welcome our new meteorite overlords.

All This Love Stuff Makes Me Realize People Have Forgotten The True Meaning Of Valentine’s Day

All this love stuff I’m hearing today makes me realize that people have totally lost touch with the original meaning of Valentine’s Day. It isn’t about chocolate or flowers, or even jewelry. It’s a celebration of St. Valentine chasing the snakes out of Ireland.

Maybe the change has something to do with Ireland, or whether or not there are snakes there, not being as relevant to most Americans. Maybe they just don’t care that much about snakes.

Or, maybe the chocolate/flowers/jewelry consortium had to pick some day to try to market all their stuff and they just chose St. Valentine’s Day. I suspect that Saint Crispin’s Day was another alternative, but that wouldn’t have worked because most Americans don’t even remember there is such a thing. That wouldn’t sell much chocolate, or flowers, or jewelry, or even creative undergarments.

But no, it’s all about St. Valentine chasing the snakes out of Ireland. Bet you didn’t know that. Heck, I barely knew. I’m still not sure if he was supposed to have chased them all out on foot or if it was supposed to be some “miracle of god’s divine power” sort of thing and all the snakes ran into the sea. Still, I know at least the basics. Think about it: cupid can fly and has a bow and arrow. If you were going to hunt snakes, wouldn’t you want a range weapon and not have to touch the ground?

I just can’t believe that people have gotten so far away from what the holiday celebrates. It’s obviously quite an important event to commemorate, people should remember. You’ll excuse me, though, I have to go prep for St. Patrick’s day. Everyone knows that’s the holiday celebrating the chasing of all beers with whiskey.

In A Strange Move The Church Picks Cardinal Richelieu As Successor To Pope Benedict

In a very strange response to the announced resignation of Pope Benedict, the Catholic Church has apparently picked Cardinal Richelieu as Pope Benedict’s successor. This move surprised many commentators, no one less than the Catholic Church itself.

After all, popes are not generally merely ‘selected.’ It is not known at this time how or why the normal procedures for selecting a pope were dispensed with in this case. However, despite the radical shift in Church procedure regarding this decision, not a single Cardinal was willing to speak with us regarding this matter. Clearly, the selection of Cardinal Richelieu as pope must have their support…or at least their acceptance.

It is also surprising that the Church has selected a person who has been dead for almost 400 years. Cardinal Richelieu isn’t exactly fresh anymore. However, if you consider how old the average pope looked, perhaps they just thought nobody would know the difference.

Are they hoping to transform France into a strongly centralized state? Are they just big fans of Alexandre Dumas? There is just no way of being certain at this time. No explanations have been forthcoming and any theories would be pure speculation (and just as imaginary as the rest of this post). We will just have to be patient and see what develops from this situation.

Dave Barry Reading Makes Me Question Possible Male Conspiracy To Which I Haven’t Been Invited

I was at the Dave Barry reading for his book Insane City the other day in Denver and he made a comment that gave me some pause. He mentioned as part of his lead in that an important difference for understanding guys is that they can think of nothing for extended periods of time. Either I’m different from most guys (and I’m a pretty ordinary, heterosexual guy so don’t think what you’re thinking), or there is a vast male conspiracy to which I haven’t been invited.

Basically, his position was the old ‘guys are much simpler than people think’ thing. Supposedly, women misunderstand men by trying to figure out what they are thinking because men for a good portion of the time are thinking nothing. I know this is the stereotype, but I have never believed it.

Personally, I’m constantly thinking. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping because I can’t get my thoughts to calm down. I may not want to tell a person who asks what I’m thinking, but my mind is never still. Never. (Also personally, though I realize there are some more biological differences beyond reproductive organs, I still think much of the differences between men and women are more the roles they play as opposed to actual insurmountable differences dictated by biology.)

But, I keep hearing guys say this. Ordinarily, unless there is a joke involved, I would not suspect Dave Barry of lying. The question is then how to make all this jibe?

I accept the possibility that my brain works differently from other ‘guys.’ I’m hetero, so it isn’t different in that way. However, if guys really can sit and think of nothing for such long periods of time, perhaps my brain is different. I really do doubt this, though. Such would lead me to conclude some kind of mental superiority over the average male that just isn’t supported by evidence.

The only remaining conclusion is that there is a vast conspiracy by guys to get women to think that they are much simpler and more brain-dead than they really are. I have my doubts about this as well, but if it were true…why wasn’t I invited to participate? Believe me, I have not been approached about this. Perhaps I’m not responding to cultural conditioning that is supposed to handle this, but I haven’t been asked to the party. If there is a conspiracy, no one has made me aware.

In the end, I can’t really figure out which way this goes. I don’t have enough evidence as to whether most guys are more brain-dead than I think or whether there is a conspiracy that the others don’t care if I join. Both are possible, though both seemingly equally unlikely. Regardless, I just can’t stop thinking about it.

Ten Reasons Why Pope Benedict Probably Didn’t Resign

I just heard that Pope Benedict resigned. Now, I’m not Catholic, but I understand that this is big news. I don’t think popes resign all that often. According to the article I saw, he resigned because his age and health are too bad to continue as pope. I’m seeing a lot of speculation about other reasons, but I thought I’d give a few reasons why he probably didn’t resign:

- Pope Benedict just won the Powerball and doesn’t need this crap anymore.

- Pope Benedict couldn’t take the hats anymore.

- Pope Benedict figured he could make more money in the private sector.

- Pope Benedict wants to live it up a little while he’s still young.

- Pope Benedict got an offer to be the lead singer for Metallica and figured he needed to take his shot.

- Pope Benedict told the Vatican he wanted a raise or he was walking and by god, he wasn’t kidding.

- Pope Benedict wanted time to find himself.

- Pope Benedict finally put his foot down about the boss calling him ‘Benny’ all the time.

- Pope Benedict has actually been a Scientologist this entire time and couldn’t live the lie anymore.

- Pope Benedict finally got fed up with having to draft TPS reports.

I admit, this post is pretty pointless…giving reasons why the pope probably didn’t retire. My opinion is even less important given that I’m not Catholic. However, I just thought I should weigh in seeing as my viewpoint on this is completely irrelevant.

I Miss The Elephant Keys At The Omaha Henry Doorly Zoo

Does anyone remember the old plastic elephant keys at the Omaha Henry Doorly Zoo? Most people reading this probably don’t remember, and might not have even been to Omaha, but you used to get these at the gift shop and use them to start up audio boxes that explained each exhibit:

These things have been gone a long time. I remember having one as a kid and loving it. There was just something about having a special item that let you do something at the zoo that was kind of cool. Of course, even when I was a kid in the early eighties, the metal audio boxes by the exhibits were in pretty poor shape. I’m guessing they were kind of old even then. I only remember them being around a year or two at that point before they disappeared forever. Now they are no more, and haven’t been for a very long time.

It’s just kind of sad that they are gone. I miss them, even though I don’t get to Omaha or the zoo very often anymore. I just dug the key and was always excited to use it even if I didn’t care that much about hearing the related audio. It was just something fun as part of going to the zoo.

Does anyone else remember these things?

The National Weather Service Should No Longer Be Allowed To Name Anything

Okay, that’s it, the National Weather Service should no longer be allowed to name anything. Winter Storm Nemo is it. They’ve lost their privilege. Holy crap, someone stop them.

I mean, I know that this is a pretty petty problem and it doesn’t matter what the heck we name a winter storm or a hurricane or anything like that, but Winter Storm Nemo is just ridiculous. Sweet little Winter Storm Nemo who is creating havoc and destroying lives over much of the northeast United States. Winter Storm Draco was better, but we clearly cannot trust the National Weather Service to exercise any kind of prudent judgment.

We should set some ground rules. For one thing, why not set a rule that hurricanes/winter storms/whatever have to be named after famous fictional villains? These storms are never a good thing, some are just less bad than others. I don’t think we should glorify real villains, but fictional villains would more adequately describe hurricanes/winter storms/whatever.

Think about it. We could even start a kickstarter page or something similar where sci-fi/fantasy/horror or such fans could vote on which of their favorite villains gets picked for the next name. These audiences spend money and this could be a real source of willing revenue for the federal government. Then we wouldn’t have to feel as bad if they wasted the money on something frivolous, because the whole thing would be frivolous.

Just imagine:

- Hurricane or Winter Storm Darth Vader

- Hurricane or Winter Storm Freddy Krueger

- Hurricane or Winter Storm Sauron

- Hurricane or Winter Storm Cthulhu

- Hurricane or Winter Storm Patrick Bateman

The possibilities are endless, and wouldn’t this be a better system? It would certainly better convey the appropriate attitude regarding these storms. At the least, it would be a tiny bit less ridiculous. Sometimes that’s just all we can hope for.

Ohio School Actually Cancels Prom Over Unrelated Water Balloon Fight

I know schools have a tough time keeping order and only have so many options, but it’s seeming like a bit of an overreaction that an Ohio school canceled prom over water balloon fight. I’m not in the school’s administrator’s places, so I can only judge so much (recognizing that there is always more to a situation than the details I get), but this just seems a little much.

Now, I know that this was a big water balloon fight. It supposedly involved 150-175 students and the school was concerned over safety. The school knew this was going to happen beforehand and tried to stop it by threatening to cancel prom if it went ahead. It did, and they did. Mind you, the water balloon fight took place at lunch, not anywhere near prom itself.

But…this is still just a water balloon fight. Even big, even a safety concern, even needing to go through with limited threats and tools at hand…isn’t cancelling prom a weird reaction to a water balloon fight.

I mean, they are water balloons.

Were the kids involved in the water balloon fight even the ones who would have been going to prom? Why not just ban the water balloon kids and let the others go on with prom? I don’t know, maybe the 150-175 kids were all that were going to make up prom, or close to it. I don’t know how big the school is. Heck, maybe they just had no way in the chaos to figure out who participated and who didn’t and so that wasn’t even an option. I don’t know. I just know they cancelled prom over a water balloon fight that took place during lunch at the school.

It just seems ridiculous and makes the school seem ridiculous. This might not be correct, the school may have been justified and this may have been the appropriate reaction, but it just seems silly.

It makes me think of the last day for seniors my sophomore year of high school. I happened to be walking by one of the cooler security guards (Charles) who worked at the school and I heard the voice of the dorky security guard crackle over the cooler security guard’s walkie-talkie: “George! Charles! Come quick! I’ve been hit by a water balloon!” (Note, I’m paraphrasing, it’s been a long time.) Charles just put his palm over his face and shook his head. I think that sums up all you can say about the cancellation of prom for a water balloon fight.

No Mail For You

I was honestly a bit surprised to hear that USPS is no longer going to be delivering mail on Saturdays. They’ve been trying to do this for years. I really thought it was never going to happen. They finally went through with it though. No more Saturday mail for you.

At first, I was concerned. I’m still not sure how much this will actually impact my life. I now have two days in a row where I don’t have to check my mail. Is this important? Will it cause bills to be late? Really, I’m only concerned about the bills. Bills are one of the few regular features of my mail (that and junk mail, but they can take as long with that as they want). My only concern is whether or not that extra couple of days will cause me to pay a bill late. Other than that, I mainly get packages…but they are still going to deliver packages on Saturday. So, really, should I be that freaked out about this?

I can’t say I blame them too much. It seems like they raise the price of stamps every couple of months or so. If I don’t like that, I suppose I can’t get too mad when they try a way to cut costs instead. Is there another mail reform that could be done instead? I don’t know. Ill-informed as I am, I guess I have to trust that this will help. If not, something else will be coming.

It seems like a big change, but I just wonder how much of a change it is really going to be. There will be more mail on Mondays. I can say that for sure. Beyond that, if we want Saturday mail service, we’d have to be willing to pay for it. Things cost money.