Redfern Jon Barrett's Blog, page 10

STRAIGHT RED’S TOP SEXY MOVIES FOR RED-BLOODED ABSOLUTELY HETEROSEXUAL MEN

Hello fans of total, unflappable heterosexuality and lovely lady parts, it’s Straight Red, my 8000% heterosexual alter-ego. Last time we looked at how to make sex with ladies, but this week we’ll be using our absolutely non-gay eyes to be looking at the hottest films with the sexiest not-men, because men aren’t sexy, because men can’t be sexy. Men are disgusting, especially the ones with hairy chests, toned bodies, and sultry smiles – it makes me vomit just to think of them!

As we know, films were invented in 1976 by Stephen Spielberg, but as none of his movies featured naked ladies we have to conclude that he wasn’t into women (not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, it’s just disgusting, and every bout of gay sex is like hammering another nail into Jesus’ lovely soft hands).

Times changed though, and now there are many moving pictures designed for the red-blooded heterosexual man (homosexual blood is green, and mine is definitely red, I saw some of it when I started a fight with a man for standing too long at the urinal next to mine). But enough of my manliness, time for -

STRAIGHT RED’S TOP SEXY MOVIES FOR RED-BLOODED ABSOLUTELY HETEROSEXUAL MEN

1. Showgirls

As the world’s straightest teenager who never indulged in secret I’ll-show-you-mine-if-you-show-me-yours sex with his male friends at sleepovers, I totally modelled myself on Saved By The Bell’s AC Slater – one of the planet’s paragons of hetero sexuality.

So you can imagine the joy I felt at seeing his high-school girlfriend Elizabeth Berkley pointlessly exposing herself and dancing around in one of the world’s weirdest and most misogynistic films. I mean, showing her hot breasts and doing sexy strip-dances in one of the world’s wet-dreamiest and most mammary-tastic movies. Vagina.

2. But I’m a Cheerleader

Now I know what some of you are thinking – “But this is a gay film!”, “I’ve never heard of this!”, “RuPaul looked hot as all fuck back in the 90s!” – but you’re wrong, wrong, and right – I mean, wrong. Very wrong. See, this film about homosexual teenagers being put in a straight conversion centre (WHICH WORKED FOR ME) features lesbians. Just ignore all the gay men, especially RuPaul in his tight polo shirt with his big arms and brown eyes, and you can look at ladies, ladies who kiss each other, which is the only acceptable form of sinsexuality.

GODS DAMNIT WRONG FOLDER

3. Top Gun

Nothing is straighter than Tom Cruise or the prospect of being surrounded by nothing but other men who sleep in the same room as you (and probably shower with you) and all wear uniforms, for months at a time. Sweaty, manly months, rough-housing with your bros, wrestling and playing naked sports and talking about how much you love the genitals of female humans.

Grrrrrrrr.

4. Brokeback Mountain

Now I know what you’re thinking – Straight Red, you’re so attractive and and heterosexual, why do you keep putting films aimed at Sodomsexuals on your list? Well, because Brokeback Mountain features the men’s wives, who are hot. Just looking at their attractive wife faces and thinking about making hot love to them whilst their husbands are out homosexualling makes sitting through Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger’s shirtless play-fighting, sex scenes, cuddles and sensual, longing looks worth it.

Worth it.

So there we have it, a list as heterosexual as Tom Selleck drinking Guinness and bourbon whilst scratching his balls in a room full of naked women. Join us next time when we pick the most heterosexualistest close-up photos of male models! Till later, fellow normalsexuals!

- Straightfern

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WHICH SERIAL KILLER ARE YOU?

We’ve all been there – you’ve been patiently waiting in line at the ATM/cash machine for over fifteen minutes, whilst the person in front hammers dully at the buttons, presumably trying to work out why their phone is showing the HSBC logo and has grown several thousand times its previous size. Finally you snap, grabbing them by the hair and slamming their face into the keys until the machine is a bloody mess of brain and eyeball goo.

But what if you hadn’t ended that elderly priest’s life just that one time? What if you had an insatiable lust for killing that could never be quelled, no matter how many hearts you devour?

THE REDJON.COM ‘WHICH SERIAL KILLER ARE YOU?’ QUIZ

Q1. All of your super BFFs have have gone down to the mall for a sensational afternoon of sodas and shopping – but not you! You’re too busy…

A) Forming a cult with your other besties so you can start a sexy race war!

B) Meeting cute boys in dark alleyways!

C) Making out with your boyfriend Chuck! For money!

D) Combing your luscious long hair with the blood of the infidels.

 

Q2. Your stupid old great-great aunt has finally died, and your fugly parents won’t stop crying about it. What-evs, get a grip! But she did leave you some money in your will. You buy…

A) An awesome big house for your and your besties to live in! Like a sorority!

B) Some hot new clothes to make all the boys swoon!

C) No-one in your family has money! You’re masturbating homeless guys just to earn the change for your morning coffee.

D) A clay hovel, some rags, and an inexplicable murderous hatred for the tribe next to yours.

 

Q3. That BITCH Sissy Swanson has been spreading rumours that you slept with the principal! You get her back by…

A) Telling your family to slay her in a ritual sacrifice!

B) Gutting her sickeningly flat stomach!

C) Have a hot lesbian make-out session with her then cut off her face.

D) Put her into a heathen temple then push down one of the support pillars, killing everyone inside.

 

Q4. You’ve been caught! That is totes not cool. Now you’ll be in detention for like, forever! But how did they catch you?

A) You’re friend’s girlfriend rats you and the ‘family’ out. No fair – bros before hoes!

B) Your date spots a barrel full of acid and corpses in your bedroom. Don’t they understand interior design?!

C) One of the tricks you offed was a cop! No fair!

D) My bestest girlfriend cut off my beautiful hair! She was always so jel-jel, it’s not your fault she had that shitty lesbo perm!

 

Q5. If your life could be totally summed up by one of those cool Facebook sayings, what would it be?

A) You can never be alone, you’ll always have family. And race hate.

B) If you can’t handle me at my worst/stomach stabbiest, you don’t deserve me at my best.

C) If you can’t work it, twerk it. For money.

D) Thou shalt kill people of other faiths and attires, for no reason other than the god-voice says so. Also, all women will ultimately betray you.

 

That’s it! If you answered mostly ‘A’s:

Time to buy some hot swastika accessories and stock up on methamphetamine, you are totes CHARLES MANSON! Sure you got your cult family to do your dirty work, but all’s fair in love and inciting global race war. Plus, why ruin your own outfits with someone else’s filthy blood?

Mostly ‘B’s:

You’re so into the boys you just can’t wait to see what’s inside of them! Congratulations, you are blates JEFFREY DAHMER. Working like a dog 9-5 in a factory, then rockin’ the gay party scene at night! Plus, you were hipster long before it was cool.

Mostly ‘C’s:

Who needs a pimp when you have a stack of human hands in your glove compartment? Yes, you’re straight-for-pay AILEEN WUORNOS. Starting out as a humble sex worker, you graduate to mass-murderer and eventually become movie starlet Charlize Theron. Not bad!

Mostly ‘D’s:

Congratulations! You’re hate-mongering Bible-hero SAMSON! With your luscious locks and edgy gouged-out-eyes look, you’re owning ancient Israel and destroying the good name of the Philistines forever. Men, women and children, you’ll murder anything, as long as it’s totally defenceless and born to the wrong tribe! Just make sure to keep those spare hair extensions on hand…

So there we have it! Of course, were I to write this three weeks into the future I could have included ‘Gorgeous giant Redfern Jon Barrett’ at answer number five, but football season hasn’t started yet and my anger levels are only at sparrow-stomping level.

(Yes I now have MULTIPLE PICTURES OF DEAD BIRDS ON MY WEBSITE. This is step one.)

Until next time!

- Plottingfern

 

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THE CHORES THEY ARE A-CHANGIN’

Like all well-adjusted people, I absolutely detest doing chores, and usually trick strangers into doing them for me. Why not run into the street pretending your baby is seriously ill but oh never mind, she’s fine and invisible now, but would you mind giving me a hand with these dishes?

You’re fictional and I love you, Gerta

 

And I hated chores even more as a child.

But it turns out, a ton of the chores I saw growing up never happened. Sometime between my parents generation and me, they became obsolete, and a whole load of weird new ones appeared. For example…

 

1. IRONING

Now, I’m aware that some people somewhere who are in their twenties in the year 2013 are still ironing their clothes, but the fact is, I haven’t seen an ironing board in years, and I regularly root through the cupboards of friends and acquaintances. But people used to iron their bedsheets. People used to iron their socks, running a scalding piece of metal over every single item of clothing in case one of the neighbours stuck their face three inches from their sleeve and found a wrinkle, thus condemning them to a life of shame usually reserved for single mothers and Welsh people.

Replaced by… CHARGING THINGS

Instead, we’re charging things. Your phone, laptop, and iPad are all on 10% power but only one outlet is free? Better charge the laptop, you need it for work. But you’re going to leave the house without your phone? What are you, Welsh?

 

2. MOWING THE LAWN

Mowing the lawn is a chore I used to dread as a child. You mean every now and then I have to go into the shed, take a huge piece of machinery and run it up and down up and down an area of grass until every blade is the exact same length? DEAR GODS, WHY?

Maybe it’s because I like to live in a world where suburbs don’t exist (there’s are edges to the city?), but I know for a fact that at least 80% of the population have silently and unanimously agreed that this is a stupid waste of time, and have either let their gardens grow wild (run free, nature!), planted vegetables, or have simply paved over the whole thing. Lawn mowers are some weird, mysterious artefact from the past, like not-hating-Muslims and yo-yos.

Replaced by… SOCIAL NETWORKING

Social networking is the wasting time equivalent of making sure the uniform plant which covers your garden like an outdoor carpet is absolutely perfect. You mean now and then I have to get my computer, upload all the photos from my last night out, hope it doesn’t get interrupted half way through so I have to start all over again, then make sure the right people are tagged in each and every one of them? DEAR GODS, WHY?

 

3. PEELING VEGETABLES

Somewhere in the Museum of Historical Torture Devices, alongside the irons and the mowers, are vegetable peelers. I AM SO HAPPY I HAVE NO NEED FOR A VEGETABLE PEELER. Making meals in 1988 used to take 70% longer, and this was exclusively down to making sure that each and every vegetable was perfectly naked (that, and not simply buying plastic sacks of grey irradiated salt-gloop you stick in the microwave until tepid).

Peeling vegetables takes away most of the nutrients, as well as a lot of the flavour. If you’re still peeling them, stop it now. Congratulations, you now have time for a second job! (BONUS TIP: you’re not going to believe me, but the skin of a kiwi fruit is absolutely edible, and you can eat those things like apples. Go try it).

Replaced by… UPDATING SOFTWARE

“Verion 55.32.1145.25969291034 of Fantasy Fuckshop Pro is available, update?”, “Windows has finished updating your computer, restart? [Yes/Postpone 23 seconds]“, “IF YOU DON’T UPDATE SKYPE TO THE NEW VERSION WHICH FORCES YOU TO STARE AT ADVERTISEMENTS WE’RE SIMPLY GOING TO MAKE IT STOP WORKING. UPDATE?”

 

4. TUNING THE TELEVISION

Blurry, blurry, blurry, blurry, ohwaitIseesomething goback goback, blurry, blurry, indistinct image of Philip Schofield’s face, blurry, fuzzy version of the station which makes you wonder if it’s the best version or if your aerial is fucked, no-wait-it’s-the-wrong-channel-start-again, blurry, blurry, blurry AND SO ON INTO INFINITY.

Replaced by… RECYCLING

Which of the 15 bins does this banana peel go into? This fibreglass? How about this perspex jewel? Oh, it’s bin collection day? Let me just load up the pack horse and head toward the curb…

 

5. MAKING INSANELY COMPLEX BEDS

I’m too lazy to Google who invented duvets, but they should win the Nobel Prize and be worshipped as a god for freeing us from the tyranny of arranging hundreds of layered sheets, half of which will be made of the scratchiest wool known to humanity, every layer of which needs re-positioning like a ridiculously complicated bed-onion each and every morning for the rest of your life and OH MY LORD YOU DIDN’T IRON THEM ALL? WHAT KIND OF STREET PROSTITUTE DEN IS THIS?

Replaced by… NOTHING

Nothing can match the fear I get when I envisage myself as a 1950s housewife having to make the family’s beds. I think I’d give up and go live in a barn, at least the hay would only be half as itchy as woollen bedsheets.

So there we have it. 20 years ago was a dark time of endless domestic labour, which we have now liberated ourselves from in favour of sitting in the dark staring at a screen as it saps away little pieces of your soul.

PROGRESS!

- Chorefern

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THE TEN BERLINMANDMENTS

In two weeks’ time I’ll have been in Berlin for three years. I love this city – though I’m not one for attending trendy ‘discotheques’ whilst taking ‘Columbian Baking Soda’, and ‘[INSERT THIRD TONGUE-IN-CHEEK OUT-OF-TOUCH REFERENCE PEOPLE WILL TAKE AT FACE VALUE LIKE THEY DO SO MUCH OF THE STUFF ON THIS SITE AS THOUGH EVERYTHING I TAG AS 'PSYCHOSIS' IS MEANT LITERALLY GODSFUCKIT]‘.

Even so, Berlin is full of interesting, open-minded people, and as a queer-thinking, polyamory-loving, witch-being vegetarian leftist (whose entire identity can be summed up by those five categories), being here is like getting to live in the 19th century if you’re a massive conservative. In short, it’s weirdo Disneyland.

But some things in Berlin can be annoying, and in the spirit of ruthlessly criticising everything I love, I present:

THE TEN BERLINMANDMENTS

1. THOU SHALT NOT ENDLESSLY DISCUSS HOW GUILTY THOU ART FOR NOT LEARNING GERMAN

Because really, this only affects you. If you feel bad that you don’t speak more German, go learn German. If you don’t want to, then you can’t feel that bad. Either way, there is now a city-wide ban on discussing how you need to take another Deutschkurs.

Penalty:  having your mind wiped, and your knowledge of English replaced with Turkish. All Germans refuse to learn Turkish.

2. THOU SHALT NOT MAKE ART WHEN THOU HAST NOTHING INTERESTING TO SAY AND THOU IS ALSO REALLY, REALLY BAD AT ART

Don’t get me wrong, Berlin has some fantastic artists, and I’ve worked with several of them – there’s a lot of talent in this city, but that talent is concentrated in about 10% of the total number of people actually calling themselves artists. The other 90% are either trust-funders working on a project that will never actually materialise (IT’S ABOUT THE PROCESS), or are trust-funders paying for an overpriced vanity residency which once a year will open their doors for an ‘exhibition’ whose attempts at insightful social commentary involve a bad drawing of Jesus with an iPod. MIND BLOWN.

Penalty: having to justify your stay of execution to a death panel, using only your own works of art as warrant for your continued existence.

3. THOU SHALT STAND ON THE FUCKING RIGHT, AND WALK ON THE LEFT, IF THOU WISHES TO USE A FUCKING ESCALATOR IN THE UBAHN/UNDERGROUND/METRO/SUBWAY

Or I will push you down said escalator.

Penalty: receiving a poison dart to the neck at the top of an escalator crowded with tourists talking on mobile phones. The antidote is at the bottom. 

4. HONOUR THY LUNGS

“Yeah, I’m currently planning on giving up smoking, and I did give up for five weeks last year, but it’s really hard when everyone’s smoking in a bar, and I just want to smoke socially, like when I’m drinking, but then you find yourself smoking in the day as well, I just wish I could smoke now and then but it doesn’t seem to happen, anyway I’m giving up soon, I just want to enjoy myself a bit more before I do.” – EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN BERLIN, INCLUDING ME

Penalty: city-wide smoking ban

5. THOU SHALT NOT JUDGE OTHERS’ CLOTHING, IT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS

There’s a game in Berlin, called ‘Let’s Be Fucking Horrible To People Wearing Clothes Different To Ours’ (working title). And everyone is in on it. “Look at that hipster! Haha, fucking hipster, with their hipster clothes! I’m better than you, hipster!” – “Hey, you’re not wearing a stained hoodie with a bad slogan about the evils of capitalism! Are you a tourist? Your clothes look expensive! Fuck off, foreigner!”, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.

Penalty: being forced walk around Kreuzberg in an Armani suit until you’re torn to shreds

6. THOU SHALT WEAR THINE HOLY PROTECTIVE EARMUFFS

Thine divine earmuffs shalt protect thee from the angry street rants of born-n’-bred native Berliners, and shield thine delicate ears from their daily abuse.

What is wrong with them?

7. THOU SHALT DESTROY THE STAG NIGHTS

They must not be allowed to dwell in Berlin. If you see a group of drunken men in identical t-shirts, it is your sworn duty as a Berliner to slay them all.

Penalty: failure to let a stag night pass unslain shall result in you working as bar staff for a hostel in Mitte, where groups of drunken tourists will make fun of you, mistaking you for German and giving you constant Nazi salutes

8. THOU SHALT NOT FORCE EVERYONE TO DO YOGA OR GO CYCLING, THESE ARE FALSE RELIGIONS

Not everyone likes yoga, and to constantly spread the word of yoga BECAUSE OH MY GOD YOGA PUTS YOU SO IN TOUCH WITH YOUR BODY HOW CAN YOU NOT DO YOGA is to promote idolatrous gods. The same goes for OH MY GOD HOW CAN YOU NOT OWN A BIKE I HAVE A SPARE ONE COME ON A BIKE RIDE WITH ME WHERE YOU’LL BE REALLY SLOW AND I’LL GET ANNOYED AND FRUSTRATED DESPITE THE FACT YOU TOLD ME YOU’RE NO GOOD AT BIKE-RIDING COME ON COME ON BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE BIKE AAAAAAAAHHHHHH

Penalty: removal of all yoga-twisting, bike-pedalling limbs

9. THOU SHALT NOT QUEUE FOR HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS FOR NO PURPOSE

Berlin will give you enough opportunities to enjoy a good queue. Every trip to a government bureau (there will be many), every hospital visit, every time you need to withdraw money from an ATM will involve a long time in a lovely, unending queue. You do not need to add to this experience by queuing for an hour for a kebab, or an ice cream, or for two hours to get into a club, because THERE ARE OTHER KEBABS AND ICE CREAMS AND DARK DANCY DRINKY PLACES, AND YOU ARE WASTING YOUR LIFE.

Penalty: you will be forbidden from entering a queue for a period of one year. As every single action you take in Germany involves a trip to the state bureaucracy, you shall die homeless and penniless, without kebabs or ice cream.

10. THOU SHALT NOT LEAVE THE CITY IN WINTER, WINTER IS YOUR PUNISHMENT

I’M LOOKING AT YOU, EVERY SINGLE SPANISH PERSON. WINTER IS THE PENALTY FOR ENJOYING BERLIN IN SUMMER. FROZEN BEARDS AND RED-RAW SKIN ARE REMINDERS THAT YOU ARE LUCKY TO BE ALIVE.

Penalty: the city walls shall be closed to you forever, and you shall be forced to make a living dancing for pennies in Potsdam

Go forth, my children, and share the wisdom your Berlingod has gifted you! For thine are the canals, the Sternberg and the Görli, forever and ever.

- Berlinfern

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Straight Red’s TOTALLY STRAIGHT Heterosexual Guide to Pulling Women (NOT MEN)

As many of you know, I am actually a 1000% heterosexual man, and only play a gay person in real life. As a 100,000% heterosexual straight man, I have lots of sex with women, women with vaginas. Thus I feel compelled to share my knowledge of how to obtain sexual intercourse with women, because without it there will be no exciting man-woman sex and our very species will be doomed.

So before humanity dies out and pandas inherit the Earth (FUCK PANDAS), here is -

 

STRAIGHT RED’S TOTALLY STRAIGHT HETEROSEXUAL GUIDE T O PULLING WOMEN (NOT MEN)

 

1. Women do not like football, so it is very important to find the opposite of football and pretend to enjoy it with them.

Possible opposites of football: doll houses, crying, cutting off your feet.

 

2. Many females like it when you compliment your hair, so make sure to compare her hairstyle to something you like. For example:

“I like your hair today, Agnes. It reminds me of hot dogs/ football/ hot sex with ladies.” (The last option is especially useful, as it subtly reminds her that sex exists, and that you like sex with ladies.)

 

3. All women are secretly bisexual. Suggest a threesome. Bonus points if you suggest her sister (all women secretly desire incest).

 

4. Because it is the 21st century, women like it when a man is sensitive.

Show her your sensitive side by making sure she walks in on you stroking a baby catalogue and sobbing gently to yourself.

 

5. Beat up a gay, to prove you aren’t gay, because you aren’t.

 

6. Women are attracted to men who are daring. Show her your courageous side by jumping onto the subway tracks, then climbing back up seconds before the train approaches.

Do not touch the third rail. Or the second one. One of them is electric.

 

7. By this point she should be sufficiently impressed to invite you into her apartment. Women like ‘clumsy but loveable’ men, so break something.

It is important to shout ‘OOPS’ whilst breaking something, so she believes it is an accident. Do not smile.

 

8. The room she takes you to is suggestive of how she sees you – make sure you don’t stay in the living room, or worse, the kitchen. Find an excuse to get into the bedroom.

“I am an avid collector of pillow cases. It is important that I see your pillow cases, in case I wish to collect them.”

 

9. The time has come for sexing.

DO NOT THINK ABOUT MEN.

 

10. If you stay longer than 5 minutes after the very enjoyable not-thinking-about-Zachary-Quinto sex, the woman will consider you too clingy. Leave via the fastest exit.

Leave her something to remember you by: sock, comb, used tissue.

 

So there we have it! You will now be a master at wooing “the ladies”, and will quickly develop a reputation as a Casanova (except for the fact that Casanova was bisexual, and you would never touch men, because TOUCHING MEN IS DISGUSTING).

Happy boob-fondling!

- Straightfern

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REDFERN ENTERPRISES: THE GROWTH VATS

 

 

ATTENTION ALL EMPLOYEES:

Sadly, the misconduct of several staff members has required management to issue a fifteenth volume to the Rule Book, a summary of which which has been outlined below. We would like all employees to know that we are extremely disappointed in them, and as a result of last week’s events all vending machines and cafeteria trays will be filled with broken glass until further notice.

EMPLOYEES MUST NOT BRING THEIR OWN FOOD ONTO COMPANY PREMISES

You must eat from the vending machines and/or the cafeteria and think about what you’ve done.

EMPLOYEES WORKING IN THE RESEARCH LAB ARE NOT TO REFER TO ANY ‘CODE OF ETHICS’ BEYOND THAT PROVIDED BY REDFERN ENTERPRISES

Redfern Enterprises adheres to the highest ethical codas, which need not be questioned.

EMPLOYEES WORKING IN THE RESEARCH LAB ARE NOT TO GO TO THE PRESS REPORTING THAT WE ARE GROWING ‘A STRANGE NEW RACE OF HUMANS’

The contents of the Growth Vats consist of artificially-reared poultry, as part of our Mmmmmm Ethicalmeat range for Redfern Enterprises Home-Fried Doublefried Chicken Outlets. Any resemblance to a race of gigantic, abnormally powerful demi-humans is entirely coincidental.

EMPLOYEES WORKING IN THE RESEARCH LAB ARE NOT TO HELP ‘FREE’ THE CONTENTS OF THE GROWTH VATS

You all saw what happened to head scientist Ms. Taylor and her assistant Mr. Greene. The contents of the growth vats do not want to be freed.

 EMPLOYEES WORKING IN THE RESEARCH LAB MUST NOT CONVERSE WITH EMPLOYEES OUTSIDE THE RESEARCH LAB

They will not understand.

PLEASE USE THE REDFERN ENTERPRISES SWITCHBOARD IN THE EVENT OF AN EMERGENCY

Should an employee come across a room-full of sadly deceased scientists, they must call the company switchboard on 442-02, and press star (*). DO NOT call the emergency services. Redfern Enterprises has a trained disposal team prepared to deal with such circumstances.

NO SUICIDE ATTEMPTS ON COMPANY PROPERTY

Should the vats have been compromised and you find yourself cornered by the Redfern Enterprises Mmmmm Ethicalmeat range, employees are advised to use their last seconds of life attempting to restrain the product, and not use their last bullet in a futile attempt to make their death quick and easy.

 PLEASE DO NOT ASSIST FOREIGN SECRET SERVICE AGENTS

We have been over this before. It is forbidden to assist the authorities of the outside world. Redfern Enterprises cares about you.

PLEASE DO NOT WEAR RACIST T-SHIRTS ON CASUAL FRIDAYS

This should be self-explanatory.

Employees are advised to spend their one day off a month studying the Redfern Enterprises Rule Book Volumes, and we will be issuing surprise tests as to its contents. Failure will result in a lifetime contract with Redfern Enterprises for the offspring of your choice.

Despite our frustration with the employees of Zones 12-23, management would like to commend the exemplary actions of the security forces for their quick-thinking and conscience-silencing. We have provided a box of Redfern Enterpises Mmmmm Ethicalmeat Popcorn “Chicken” as a token of our appreciation.

- CEOfern

 

 

 

 

 

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HOUSESPOUSE CORNER: MESSING UP A WEDDING

Hello fellow housespouses, and welcome back to Housespouse Corner! So far we’ve been making marmalade,  despair baking, gardening, hosting fabulous cocktail parties,  and trying not to think about the coming year. And with only a few arrests, media attacks, and retraining orders filed against us, we’d say we’re doing great!

Now, we’ve been imagining many letters from you about weddings – and with the gays rushing to the altar like sinners at a Hell buffet, everyone has been following suit. But the last wedding we attended was in 1976, when we mistook used chewing gum for a condom and our parents forced us to marry at a discount registry office / night brothel.

What to wear? What to say? How to eat without looking like a starving Bonobo with poor motor control?

Well stop thinking! Just read HOUSESPOUSE CORNER: MESSING UP A WEDDING – you’ll be sitting at the back of the church totally unnoticed in no time!

STEP ONE: Set your alarm nice and early – it’s important to take the time to look nice, and no-one appreciates you bursting in half-way through the service, sweating like a bureaucrat and swearing under your breath! A nice early rise, for a nice fresh start!

STEP TWO: FUCK. Cheap Bulgarian alarm clock! Shit shit shit. Save time by showering whilst applying make-up.

STEP THREE: There! You’re clean and looking lovely as a smeared Revlon advertisement. Now for your outfit! Unlike the stained plywood hut which played witness to your marriage, weddings are usually a fancy affair – so it’s important that you dress for the occasion. That old VENGABOYS t-shirt just won’t do! Find your fanciest outfit – that’s right, dig deep into that wardrobe!

STEP FOUR: Wonderful! That dress fits you perfectly, and you’d forgotten it was even there. Now the car is broken and you’re already running late, so sneak into the neighbour’s garden and grab that child’s scooter. You’ll be there in a jiffy!

STEP FIVE: Arrive at the church half-way through the service, sweating like a call-centre manager and swearing under your breath.

STEP SIX: Why is everyone staring at you? It’s not your fault the bride chose the same outfit!

STEP SEVEN: There are no seats free near the back. Shuffle toward the front, seat yourself amongst the bride’s family. Ignore the man trying to remove you from the premises by tugging at your arm.

STEP EIGHT: Wait – you know that groom! That’s your old high school boyfriend, Neil! It would be rude not to say hello, just wait for a pause in the reverend’s speech. Hello Neil! WHY DID YOU BREAK UP WITH ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?

STEP NINE: YES NEIL, IT’S ME. YOU CAN’T IGNORE ME JUST BY LOOKING AWAY. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? GET OFF MY ARM! THAT’S RIGHT, MRS. NEIL, LET’S HOPE HE DOESN’T BIRTHDAY-DIVORCE YOU!

STEP TEN: OH, POOR LITTLE BRIDESMAID, BURSTING INTO TEARS LIKE A LITTLE FUCKING BABY. I SAID GET OFF MY ARM. KEEP CRYING, YOU’LL REALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT WHEN YOU’RE 17 AND YOUR BOYFRIEND BREAKS UP WITH YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU ACCIDENTALLY MAKE HIS DOG DEAD. THEN YOU’LL SEE HOW CRUEL MEN CAN BE, RIGHT NEIL?

STEP ELEVEN: OH YES, CALL THE POLICE MRS. FANCY WEDDING LADY! WHILE WE’RE AT IT, LET’S HAVE NEIL ARRESTED FOR STEALING HEARTS!  GET OFF - GET OFF ME. I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE, YOU’RE ALL GOING TO HEAR THE TRUTH ABOUT MR. “I MADE OUT WITH MY BROTHER WHEN I WAS THIRTEEN” HERE. OH, DID THAT MAKE YOU ANGRY, NEIL? YOU KNOW, IT’S A GOOD THING I ACCIDENTALLY POISONED YOUR DOG, GOD KNOWS WHAT YOU WERE MAKING HIM DO – OH, SO YOU GUYS THINK YOU CAN GET ME OUT OF HERE JUST BY CARRYING ME BY THE ARMS AND LEGS, WELL GUESS WHAT, I’M NOT SO EASY TO -

[Black out]

 

So there we have it! A picture-perfect guest for the picture-perfect wedding! Join us next week, when we’ll be shouting anti-Semitic slurs at a bar-mitzva!

Till next time, glamour-lovers!

- Maritalfern

 

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NEWS – BIG NEWS!

The sun is shining, people are drinking beer in the parks, and I have locked myself indoors to write, simply because I love you. But it’s been a pretty eventful time!

The print version of Forget Yourself is now available to buy on Amazon! Buy it, it smells like paper and possibly even ink!

Click here for Amazon US

Click here for Amazon UK

Click here for Amazon DE

Next up, my short story ‘Grey Grass’ – about a three-way love affair at the end of the world – was published in Corvus! Click here to read it.
My short story ‘Liquid Loyalty’ – about the ‘monogamy pill’ – was published in The Future Fire, complete with illustrations by M. Hanford. Click here to read it.
I’m part of a project called ‘Part of the Game’, with the artists Angus Cameron, Berit Fischer, Pia Lanzinger, and Olivia Plender – funded by the NGBK Berlin and scheduled for July 2014.
My article ‘JUDGES MACHT FREI: FASCISM AND THE JUDGE DREDD WORLD’ was released with Scifi Methods. Click here to read.
I published an article on Witchcraft with Sleek Magazine, for their Spring Issue.
The final draft of my new novel, The Giddy Death of the Gays and the Strange Demise of Straights, is almost complete.
This website is being updated, and will soon host lots and lots of lovely information.

In a rare moment for this blog, I will be sincere and thank everyone who has been giving me such fantastic levels of support. I owe each and every one of you some top-notch hedonism.

- Writingwithoutsleepfern

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CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: RAISING A CHILD

Congratulations! You’re having a child! If you’re a woman, you’ve become pregnant! If you’re a man, you’ve become pregnant! (This is what comes of living beneath an electricity pylon). But parenting is fraught with dangers – how do you make sure your child grows up right? How does one instil the correct values? How to raise a  dazzling, talented lawyer, and not someone selling pirated VHS tapes in the alley behind a sex supermarket?

Well never fear, for now you can practice, with CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: RAISING A CHILD! If it turns out wrong? Abandon it at a bus stop and start all over again! Have fun!

 

1. Your belly swells with child, and all your friends and relatives insist on poking your stomach and cooing. You adopt the pensive smile of the pregnant, as a defence mechanism against punching them in the throat. You don’t even notice their pity that your husbandwifepartner ran off with the housekeeper (who incidentally, is pregnant with his quintuplets). You are hungry though! You eat everything in sight: cereal, house plants, the contents of the bottles under the sink. In an attempt to assuage your insatiable appetite, your stepfather brings you a dozen unmarked bags from the disease-ridden burger van outside.

Do you:

A: Hells yeah! I’m gonna gorge on all of it, no matter how much raw blood drips down my fingers! (Go to part 4)

B: There are a lot of flies in these bags. Perhaps I’ll just eat half of them. (Go to part 3)

C: MEAT IS MURDER! MEAT IS MURDER! (Go to part 8)

 

2. Well done! You child is growing up nice and normal. Before you know it they’re ten years old. Time for them to start education! You want to send them to a good-old Catholic school, to instil a proper sense of discipline and an appropriate fear of their own body, but unfortunately you find it has been replaced with an interfaith school, as part of Political Correctness Gone Mad. What to do?

A: Send them to a state school! Think of all the time you’ll have to yourself – going for a walk, staring at the ceiling, looking through the neighbour’s windows. Luxury! (Go to part 7)

B: If there is no school established in the name of God, then you shall have to educate the child yourself! Home-school it is! (Go to part 14)

 

3. You give birth to a gurning baby girl! You can tell she’s going to be successful, as she’s already pierced her own ears and is using the grime from the hospital floor as make-up! You name her ‘Snookie Kardashian Sex and the City 2′ and bring her home, ignoring the harsh judgements and hateful comments from the other mothers. When you get in you put her down on the floor as the cat licks her face.

What are you going to do with her?

A: Read to her! Knowledge is power! (Go to part 5)

B: Play with her! Fun is essential. (Go to part 13)

C: Make her clean the house – all good girls need to know how to clean! (Go to part 2)

 

4. You give birth to a bouncing baby boy! As soon as he’s out of the womb he’s hunting mice and growling. So much vim and vigour! You name him ‘RAGNAROK CUTHBERT MEGASLAYER’, the frightened nurses hand him to you with a pair of tongs, and you bring your bundle of joy home. Sure, he’s wearing the skin of the family cat, but boys will be boys!

Do you:

A: Read to him – reading is important, and the stories will enhance his creative abilities! (Go to part 5)

B: Play with him! Sports sports sports! (Go to part 6)

 

5. You start reading to your child – you’re going to raise a regular little Einstein! You’re barely two books in when you notice a pair of glasses on their little face – were those there before? You finish The Three Little Pigs when you see them gulping on an asthma inhaler. It’s strange, but you carry on, undeterred. It is only as you’re on the final pages of George Orwell’s 1984 that you notice the Matrix t-shirt, original Game Boy, and sense of superiority. You don’t know if you’ve raised a geek or a hipster, but you aren’t going to let it live long enough to find out.

GAME OVER (Go back to start)

 

6. You play with your child, directing him over to the toybox. His hand slowly hovers over different toys: the race car – no. The football – no. The GI Joe Civilian-Murdering Elite Force action figure? No. No no no. He’s gone for a Barbie! How did that get in there?!

A: Let him play with the Barbie. What’s the worst that can happen? (Go to part 10)

B: You’ll have none of this! Burn the Barbie, then burn all his books and replace them with 100% HETERO PORNOGRAPHY. (Go to part 2)

 

7. You leave the child at the school gates, watching it scamper inside to interact with  other children for the first time. Within thirty seconds, its lunch money has been stolen and it is almost lynched from the basketball hoop. The meth-addled teachers do nothing. Your child is being bullied!

A: Tell your child to say “I’m rubber and you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.’ It must have worked for someone at some point! (Go to part 12)

B: Hand your child a knife. (Go to part 11)

 

8. The tabloid newspapers were right! About everything! Without the nourishing effects of red meat, you slowly shrink away. Your family attempt to feed you some pig’s blood through a tube, but with your last ounce of strength you prevent them. All that is left of you are your clothes, some hair, and your fillings. Try eating a live pigeon next time!

GAME OVER (Go back to start)

 

9. Instead of mathematics, science, and literature, you teach your child about burning bushes and pig-murdering prophets. Congratulations, your child has become GOD-FEARING! They might not know how volcanoes are formed, but they sure know they happen because the Lord is angry! Before you know it they’re out on the street, looking for children of other faiths to attack.

A: This isn’t God’s way! Jesus was about peace! Teach your child about tolerance, and understanding. (Go to part 10)

B: ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIER! (Go to part 18)

 

10. Horrors! You’ve raised a drag-wearing, Bible-defying, same-sex-humping homosexual! Before it’s even hit the age of 5 it’s moved to a trendy city, got a job in the creative arts, and only ever calls to criticise your outfits (HOW DO THEY KNOW?!) Your church group is abuzz with chatter about your child’s deviance, and instead of getting to talk with the lovely vicar, you’re left making the weak orange drink and arranging the plates of bland stale biscuits. You can barely live down the shame.

GAME OVER (Go back to start)

 

11. Huzzangs, your child is attending school and actually starting to fit in! Their first piece of homework is an art project – and what kind of parent would you be if you didn’t help? They want to make a collage or some stupid thing, but you have better ideas. What kind of parent would you be if you let your child make their own choices?

A: Make a nude sculpture, just like the ancient Greeks. Very arty! (Go to part 10)

B: Your child needs a sense of national pride! Have them make a military-and-flag-themed painting! (Go to part 15)

C: Nature is just the best! Have them make an eco-themed piece! (Go to part 19)

 

12. You receive a letter from the school, informing you that your child’s life is in serious danger if they continue to attend. Home-schooling, it is! (Go to part 14)

 

13. Your little girl starts climbing trees and exploring forests. Before you know it, she’s cut her hair short, and her face automatically repels any lovely make-up you try putting there. Wait – is that – is that a beard? Egads! You’ve raised a tomboy! You try putting a dress on her to correct her abhorrent behaviour, but she jumps out the window. Rounding up the neighbours, you patrol the garden with a large net.  For a moment you spot her high in a tree, covered head-to-toe in thick hair. She swings from branch to branch with her tail, until she is gone.

GAME OVER (Go back to start)

 

14. You read Wikipedia for a whole 30 minutes in order to prepare you child for home-school. You feel ready – you know that iron is a metal, Victoria was an English queen – and you can even locate France on a map! But your child has so many questions! And what the hell is ‘physics’? You don’t speak Italian! This is harder than you thought.

A: Send them to a library! Those things are full of knowledge! (Go to part 10)

B: Read them the Bible! It’s the only Truth they need to know! (Go to part 9)

C: Just make stuff up. They won’t know the difference! (Go to part 17)

 

15. Well done for giving your child a sense of pride in their NATION. Sure, they’re refusing to learn foreign languages now, but what’s that compared to the idolatry of celebrating a fictional construction created a couple of centuries ago?

Unfortunately you learn that your child’s next class is sex education! You can’t have them learning about titties and bums and vacuum cleaners! What should you do?

A: Take them out of school and get them reading a Bible, pronto! (Go to part 9)

B: Let them have their sex education. What’s the harm? Isn’t is best to be knowledgeable and protected? (Go to part 10)

C: Have the child opt-out of sex education, and give them your own sex-ed classes! (Go to part 16)

 

16. Instead of learning how to put on condoms and take the pill, you teach your child that their genitals are spiritually dirty and that touching someone else’s private parts will give them bubonic plague. Your child grows up into a highly-fearful and extremely abstinent teenager, afraid of giving in to lust in case it makes their private parts rot away. They spread their fear, giving sermons on the horrors of sex until they’re spotted by a very impressed Vatican. Your child is made Pope! They spend the rest of their days preventing condom use and increasing the spread of HIV. What a proud parent you are!

THE END (Go to the end of the article)

 

17. Your child is growing up ignorant! They become incapable of learning, and you have to do everything for them – from brushing their teeth to turning on the television set. They’re vacantly staring into space a lot of the time. Is this something to worry about?

A: This is healthy! You don’t want a nerdy child! Keep making stuff up! (Go to part 20)

B: Uh-oh, better send them to a real school. (Go to part 7)

 

18. You fill your child with a strong sense of hatred and loathing toward anyone remotely different to them. They spend their remaining childhood spraying swastikas on bus stops, screaming at Humanists, and burning down mosques.  As a teenager they join a white nationalist movement, but are thrown out for being too intolerant. You joyfully watch your child grow into a monster. Eventually they’re head-hunted by Rupert Murdoch, who gets them a job as a tabloid journalist. Your child helps the country transition from a peaceful democracy into a genocidal dictatorship. You could not be prouder.

THE END (Go to the end of the article)

 

19. Your child gains an increasing interest in nature. It starts with nature walks, then moves on to camping, and before you know it dreadlocks have sprouted and they are incapable of bathing. They’ve renamed themselves ‘Moonbeam Lightshine’, the house is awash in patchouli oil, and before you get a chance to disown them they’ve run away to join a commune. You spend the rest of your days denying the fact that you ever had a child.

GAME OVER (Go back to start)

 

20. Your child grows up with an incredible lack of knowledge about the world, and a bizarre aversion to learning absolutely anything. Acquiring knowledge based on a mixture of television soap operas, uneducated guesses, and general hearsay, they become a teenager so shockingly ignorant you actually start to worry you may have made a mistake somewhere. But where? You were perfect! Meanwhile you insist that the world is round, that Portugal is a country, and that cars don’t run on magic, but to no avail. They start visiting the local tavern, where they spend the day sharing ‘facts’ with the other regulars. Congratulations, you’ve raised ‘the (wo)man down the pub’!

THE END (Go to the end of the article)

 

Well done, you’ve managed to raise a kid into a healthy, productive member of society. Well, a member of society, sort of. Join us next week when we tell you when you die!

- Parentfern

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FUCK MORSI: LIST OF THINGS WRONG WITH THE EGYPTIAN CONSTITUTION.

In an exciting provocation of the Muslim Brotherhood on Twitter, one of them asked me if I have actually read the Egyptian constitution, as created by the political wing of the Brotherhood. Though I’d read a great deal about it, I have to confess that I indeed had not sat down and read the actual thing.

But today I am procrastinating. So I did. I read the entire constitution of Egypt, simply to avoid writing a professional summary for my upcoming novel, and to prove a point. I have since forgotten what that point is.

Here’s what I found:

25 references to God, prophets, and Islam.

5 articles granting the executive undemocratic powers.

4 serious restrictions on free speech.

3 references prioritising race.

2 serious restrictions on freedom of religion.

2 serious restrictions on the right to fair trial.

The constitution, by the way, was approved by only 21.2% of the population – 64% on a turnout of 33% – the low turnout was due to a boycotting of the referendum.

(An English-language translation of the full constitution can be viewed here.)

 

So without further ado:

FUCK MORSI: LIST OF THINGS WRONG WITH THE EGYPTIAN CONSTITUTION.

OPENING:

From the very opening line, ‘In the name of God, the merciful’, the constitution is littered with religious references. (The US constitution was written in 1787, and doesn’t use the word ‘God’ once).
Preamble: reference to ‘Creator’, reference to ‘God’.
Preamble: reference to ‘faith’, ‘God’, ‘Creator’, ‘Heavenly messages’, divine ‘intervention’.
Fourth principle, reference to ‘the Creator’.
The tenth ‘principle’ specifically prioritises race.
Eleventh principle: ‘glorious law of Islam’
Closing of preamble: prioritisation of race, religion.

PART ONE

Article 1: prioritisation of race, religion.
Article 2: establishment of state church, explicitly states the constitution is based in religious law.
Article 3: religious freedom for ‘Christians’ and ‘Jews’ – no other group protected.
Article 4: prioritisation of religious institutions, use of state funds for said institutions, ‘Islam’, ‘Islamic Law’.
Article 10: reference to ‘religion’ as the foundation of the family; references women’s roles as mothers.
Article 11: state promotion of Islamic moral values, prioritisation of race.
Article 25: specific encouragement to religious endowments.

PART TWO

Article 31: Strange restriction on speech: ’No person must suffer insult or scorn’.
Article 43: Freedom of worship and establishment of temples limited to ‘heavenly religions’.
Article 44: Restriction on speech: ‘It is forbidden to insult any messengers of prophets’.
Article 48: Restriction on speech: It is acceptable to censor media in times of war and ‘public mobilization’ (?)
Article 60: Compulsory religious education for all pre-university educational facilities.
Article 80: No statute of limitations for violations of the constitution (including the blasphemy articles).

PART THREE

Article 92: The President may change the location of parliamentary sessions.
Article 93: The President can demand closed parliamentary sessions, without restriction.
Article 111: Tyranny by majority: Elected representatives may be removed upon a two-thirds majority vote by other representatives.
Article 127: Undemocratic executive powers: The President may dissolve the House of Representatives subject to referendum.
Article 128: Undemocratic executive powers: The President can appoint 10% of the Consultative Assembly.
Article 134: Discrimination: the President must have two Egyptian parents, and not be married to a non-Egyptian.
Article 145: International treaties which defy the constitution cannot be adopted – this exempts Egypt from a number of international human rights obligations which contradict the treaty.
Article 150: Undemocratic executive powers: The President can create laws by referendum.
Article 157: The Prime Minister must swear a religious oath.
Article 198: Restrictions on fair trial: civilians may be tried by military courts if they ‘harmed the arm forces’.

PART FOUR

Article 212: Stipulates the creation of a government office for promoting religious endowments.
Article 215: Media must promote ‘decency’ and ‘traditions’.

PART FIVE

Article 219: Prioritisation of Sunni Islam.

So there we have it! This is the shitty constitution which has since been suspended. I need a drink.

- Blurryeyedfern

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