Redfern Jon Barrett's Blog, page 14

GUEST POST: DIARY OF A STRAIGHT PERSON

Like all homosexuals I have never actually spoken to a straight person. Sometimes I gaze at the night sky and wonder at the mystery of the heterosexual world. Thankfully ‘Mork Manton’ has written the totally accurate, totally heterosexual guest post ‘Diary of a Straight Person’, in order to enlighten us lesser beings on the average day for a regular straight bloke. Enjoy.

———————-

Fucking finally got permission from the missus to get the lads together. Me and Steve and Kyle went for a curry but Kyle was late cos he forgot to put petrol in his car. Fucking idiot left me and Steve alone for an hour. We ordered two pints of Kingfisher which glistened at each other mischievously as they travelled from hand to mouth.

Kyle finally got here and we ordered our curries. Me and Steve got a Madras and Kyle said he’d have the one that’s one spicier than a Vindaloo that they don’t even put on the menu cos it’s so spicy. Ours were fucking delicious but Kyle took one bite of his and chucked his beer over his face and downed the jug of water on the table. It was fucking HILARIOUS. He had a couple more bites and did it again, then he went to the toilet to stick his mouth under the tap. He had the shits all night. So I was left alone with Steve again as we finished our curries and a naan carelessly torn in half, our mouths burning up from the fire but savouring the sweet taste.

After the curry we called up Gary and went round to his cos his bird was out. We asked Gary if she’s still barking or if he’s taken her to be put down already. We had a few more at his and got shitfaced. Gary had to go upstairs to sort out a deal and Kyle passed out. I asked Steve, “You know what would be fucking HILARIOUS? If you wanked me off and I came on Kyle’s face.” So we did it. Steve moved rapidly from gentle tug to a mighty pull, his eyes widening as the machine-like hand jerked and jerked. I thought maybe he should be slower, but there was no time. This was urgent. An emergency. And when the emergency came to its climax I draped Kyle in the hot, wet mess and it gently slid into to the contours of his face. Steve and I and walked back to our separate spots on each end of the sofa and looked at each other and grinned, like we’d just saved the life of someone blissfully unaware they’re in any danger.

And then Kyle woke up and was like “Who the fuck came on my face?” It was fucking HILARIOUS.

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FACEBOOK FACEBOOK FACEBOOK

I declare war on fucking idiotic Facebook memes. This one is dedicated to everyone who thinks people should be impressed by their decade of birth.

YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. NO-ONE IS SPECIAL. BE QUIET.

- Redfern

 

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HOUSESPOUSE CORNER: Coping With 2013

Hello happy housespouses! And congratulations to those of you who chose not to end it all over Christmas! However, New Years is still fraught with difficulty. Without friends there are no potential party faux-pas to worry about, but what about those resolutions? Will you have to give up smoking? Drinking? Seeing the children? No, no, and probably yes (the social worker really doesn’t like stepping on used meth needles every time she enters your home).

Bitch.

To save you from yourself, here are some handy pre-thought resolutions to help you ‘fix’ your life.

DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE RESOLUTIONS.

1. Watch at least one Disney film per half-day.

2. Trying having a ten-minute ‘not crying’ period.

3. Eat your five portions of fruit and vegetables a month. Fruit-flavoured vodkas count as one half portion.

4. Make a friend on the internet (try dressing as someone from the ‘missed connections’ section of Craigslist!)

5. Replace all the music in your itunes library with jaunty Christmas songs. Chase away those winter/spring/summer/autumn blues!

6. Buy a PhD from a non-accredited university.

7. Rename all the beenie babies in your collection. Pretend the old ones died!

8. Make an enemy on the internet (try sending hate mail to random people on ’4chan’!)

9. Sing at the postman. Sing him your dreams.

10. Break into the hospital and delete your medical records. It’s time for a fresh start!

So try not to worry! 2013 probably won’t be any worse than 2012! Your wife and kids are already gone, and you’ve already received a permanent ban from Facebook. Sure, your dog is looking sickly and keeps sneezing blood, but he’ll probably last at least until 2014 – you don’t have to be totally alone! Not yet!

Cheers!

- Redfern

 

 

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NEWS NEWS NEWS

Merkel greetings, fellow serfs! Following the noble sacrifice of my sanity, dignity and social life, a good deal has been happening on the writing front:

- My novel ‘Forget Yourself’ is available for free via Amazon this Thursday (20th December).

- You can buy a paper copy of my short story ‘Transaction’ with the Autumn 2012 edition of ‘A Cappella Zoo’ – available here.

- ‘Queer Spirit: Liberation, Goddess Worship, and the Craft’, a chapter I wrote for Plus ou Moins Sorcières, (ed. by Anna Colin) is available here.

- ‘The Gods Present To Us the Artefact’, a piece I wrote in collaboration with Olivia Plender and Unnar Örn, is now available in the print edition of Shaped By Time (ed. by Milena Hoegsberg)

- Finally, two Scifi Methods articles of mine are now up:

LUIGI WE’RE THE ALIENS: The Strange Cyberpunk Dystopia of the Super Mario Bros. Movie

and

MECHA BARBIES AND ARTIFICIAL MOHAWKS: The Oddest Cyerpunk Gifts of 2012

Don’t forget that you can follow me on twitter: @redfernjon – I have pledged to marry a random follower, so you could be the lucky bride!

Fingers crossed!

- Redfern

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INTRODUCING: merkelFACTS

Like everyone with an appreciation of splendour and level-headedness, I am a huge fan of Germany’s robot chancellor, Angela Merkel. Though we are aware of her most wise and benevolent actions via her own personal news media, the person herself remains something of a beautiful enigma.

Well not any more! To coincide with 2012’s End of the World, I am launching merkelFACTS, a new twitter feed with everything you ever needed to know about Europe’s no-nonsense empress. In celebration of this launch, here are 15 “Merkel-verified” Facts.

 

1. Chancellor Merkel ate an entire hog roast on her 16th birthday.

2. Chancellor Merkel has killed over fifteen communists.

3. Chancellor Merkel is a fan of the group “Christianity” and its aggressive leader, “Jesus Cross.”

4. Chancellor Merkel enjoys swapping clothes with Great Britain’s The Queen.

5. Vampires are afraid of Chancellor Merkel.

6. Chancellor Merkel cannot swim, because she does not need to.

7. Chancellor Merkel’s favourite beverage is lukewarm tap water.

8. Without Chancellor Merkel, Germany would be invaded by Poland.

9. Berlin has over 23 streets named after Chancellor Merkel.

10. Chancellor Merkel has never seen the sea.

11. Every February 14th is ‘Chancellor Merkel Day’.

12. Chancellor Merkel is not a fan of homosexuals, and does not enjoy the sound of laughter.

13. Chancellor Merkel’s favourite colour is ‘mild turquoise’.

14. Chancellor Merkel has met every leader on Earth, cares for none.

15. Subway have created ‘The Merkel’, a sauceless, all-meat sandwich in honour of the benevolent Chancellor Merkel.

There we have it! Make sure to follow merkelFACTS and present your daily offerings to the bastion of anti-communist, pro-punishment conservativism.

Long live our merciful deity! Long live the MERKEL.

- Redfern

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WISDOM FROM THE ANCIENTS

I made this purely out of hope and love. Thank you, Facebook!

 

And here’s another version I made (a little harder to read, but the wisdom of the earth comes through unhindered):

 

NEVER FORGET.

- Redfern

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HOUSESPOUSE CORNER: Baking Mama’s Special Win-Him-Back Chocolate Fudge Cake

Still enjoying your marmalade? Did it fail to make your husband stay? Well it’s not too late! It’s never too late! He’s sure to come running back from that whore sister of yours when he smells delicious fudge cake! Right?!

Ingredients

Twelve 20g packs of fudge

1 imperial drum of cocoa powder (3 tsps)

A stick of butter

Several eggs

A mixing bowl

Ethanol

Whipped cream

A stick for stirring

Cooking sherry (12 bottles)

Cherries (a plumber’s dozen)

A photo of your sister

A match

 

Step One

Take off your make-up. No-one is coming to visit today.

 

Step Two

Go to his wardrobe. Break the eggs into his clothes. Scoop residue into mixing bowl.

 

Step Three

Drop the bowl. Open the cupboard and break all of the bowls. He never liked the bowls.

 

Step Four

Buy new bowls (discount). Have difficulty deciding between ‘Beauty and the Beast’ and ‘Winnie the Pooh themes’. Scream at the shop assistant.

 

Step Five

Mix butter with the fudge and cocoa until it forms a brown mess.

 

Step Six

Call the children at the foster home. Don’t let them realise you’ve forgotten their names.

 

Step Seven

Kylie? Billy? Twixie? Bessy Sue?

 

Step Eight

Too late, they know. Hang up the phone.

 

Step Nine

Smile. Do not stop smiling (it is very important you don’t stop smiling!!)

 

Step Ten

What a lovely smile! Take a picture and upload it to facebook.

 

Step Eleven

Wait for comments (4 1/2 hours)

 

Step Twelve

No comments. Mix cooking sherry with perfume. It’s your very own cocktail! Name it (for exotic appeal, try using the name of a foreign city – like Detroit, or Stalingrad!). Drink.

 

Step Thirteen

Wake up. Ignore pain in stomach and head (excessive!!)

 

Step Fourteen

Add cherries. Burn the picture of your sister as part of a Lithuanian curse (1 1/2 hours)

 

Step Fifteen

Leave bowl out in the sun to bake (6 days)

 

Step Sixteen

Swat away flies. Use ethanol to drown the larvae.

 

Step Seventeen

Add whipped cream to the top, with a cherry in the centre (or a fruit of your choice – be creative!!)

 

Step Eighteen

Send half to the foster home, half to your husband.

 

Step Nineteen

Sit back and wait for the police! Make sure you’re wearing your best make-up! It’s so exciting to have visitors again!

So there you have it – delicious, piping hot chocolate fudge cake. Nothing can be wrong with fudge cake, right?

NEXT WEEK: make your own Caesar salad using only the things crawling in the corners of your prison cell! Mmm-mmm! Till next time, housespouses!

- Redfern

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PLEASE SIGN: EQUAL RIGHTS FOR POLYAMOROUS PEOPLE

As a Doctor of Everything* it is down to me to attempt to fix the Entire World. As such, I have written the following petition calling for equal rights for non-monogamous people. We won’t have ‘equal marriage’ until everyone is covered. Please share and sign here.

 

Extend UK Civil Partnership Scheme to Polyamorous Individuals

Responsible department: Ministry of Justice

 

The legalisation of same-sex marriage will render the current civil partnership system redundant. However, we the undersigned would like to see an investigation into the opening of the civil partnership scheme to multiple partners: specifically, to committed relationships of three to five people.

The law needs to recognise the changing nature of families and relationships in modern Britain. At present ‘polyamorous’ people (those in loving relationships of more than two people) are denied the same rights as our monogamous counterparts: to visit our partners in hospital, to keep custody of our children, coverage for insurance and inheritance, and all other protections afforded to civil partnered couples.

As of 2012 Brazil has recognised unions of three people. We believe that the United Kingdom’s civil partnership system is well-placed to provide British polyamorous families with equal protection under the law.

 

This is an important issue for poly people – including myself. Plus, if you share and sign there is the possibility that I will fall in love with you and we can have a group marriage.

- Redfern

 

*Accredited by the Redfern Barrett University of Nonfictional Location

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News News News

So things have been going pretty well at the moment – I’m working on a complete redraft of the dark queer comedy ‘The Giddy Death of the Gays and the Strange Demise of Straights’, and the apocalyptic poly love story ‘Grey Grass’ (a collaboration with the artist Heather Purcell) is almost complete. Otherwise…

Check out this review of ‘Forget Yourself’ from Modern Poly, ‘Find Yourself in the book Forget Yourself’:

“One of the better things about Forget Yourself is that religion is never introduced in the book.  Although polyamory relationships have been represented in more than one television series most series have a religious backing.  Barrett beautifully describes society in a way, which leads the reader to believe it’s non-theistic. “

 

Then there’s my own review of ‘The Complete Atopia Chronicles’ for Scifi Methods:

“The ethical issues raised are nuanced to the point that it is often genuinely impossible to work out what would be the right thing to do, and the villain of the piece isn’t obvious until the very end. Unlike a lot of sci-fi dealing the artificial reality, the lack of a single, simplistic message brings the world – from its vertical farms to its crimelord penthouses – into three full dimensions.”

(To see all my articles for Scifi Methods, go here)

I have also written a petition to the UK parliament on poly rights which is currently pending. I’ll post it here when it’s through.

For those of you currently developing a religious following around me, please only use official photos on your shrines. None where I look weird.

Blessings my children!

- Redfern

EDIT: Almost forgot, an article of mine made it onto The Polyamory Daily.

 

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DEAR THE POP MUSIC INDUSTRY

Now I’m not one for listening to the radio: if you leave it on and forget that you have one, then there’s always the chance that you’ll mistake it for voices and needlessly go on schizophrenia medication (again). Then there’s the problem of the music – it exists. I don’t have a problem with pop music itself, but why do they always have to be about monogamous heterosexual love between two individuals with a severe codependency disorder? To try and rectify this problem, I have written the following letter:

Dear The Pop Music Industry,

As you seem incapable of producing lyrics referencing anything other than love, I have come up with the following ideas for song topics – please feel free to us them (by way of credit I simply require my name to be screamed at the mid point of every track):

Kittens
Star Trek
The Legislative and Regulatory Reform Act of 2004
China
‘Accidentally’ taking the wrong baby home from the hospital because yours looks weird
Ennui
That time during the bird flu epidemic when I tricked my roommates into thinking the city had been quarantined by making a fake BBC News article
Spring, Summer, or Winter (NOT Autumn)
Getting revenge on your ex by creating a fake twitter account in their name and tweeting antisemitic conspiracy theories every ten minutes
Disentry
The sociopathic nature of children
The Pop Music Industry
How smoking is super cool
Necromancy
Allah
The scowls of old men
Geomancy
The superficial, cut-throat nature of the front-end web development industry
Drowning
Putting the free-range eggs into the battery egg containers at the supermarket, and vice versa
The European Space Agency
Glue sniffing

Also, please dress Lady Gaga up like the Three Mile Island nuclear disaster for her next song, and stop suing children and dead people for downloading music – no-one under the age of 50 is ever going to actually purchase music ever again, and you need to accept that.

Yours (and no-one else’s),

- Redfern

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