Redfern Jon Barrett's Blog, page 11

FUCK MORSI: LIST OF THINGS WRONG WITH THE EGYPTIAN CONSTITUTION.

In an exciting provocation of the Muslim Brotherhood on Twitter, one of them asked me if I have actually read the Egyptian constitution, as created by the political wing of the Brotherhood. Though I’d read a great deal about it, I have to confess that I indeed had not sat down and read the actual thing.

But today I am procrastinating. So I did. I read the entire constitution of Egypt, simply to avoid writing a professional summary for my upcoming novel, and to prove a point. I have since forgotten what that point is.

Here’s what I found:

25 references to God, prophets, and Islam.

5 articles granting the executive undemocratic powers.

4 serious restrictions on free speech.

3 references prioritising race.

2 serious restrictions on freedom of religion.

2 serious restrictions on the right to fair trial.

The constitution, by the way, was approved by only 21.2% of the population – 64% on a turnout of 33% – the low turnout was due to a boycotting of the referendum.

(An English-language translation of the full constitution can be viewed here.)

 

So without further ado:

FUCK MORSI: LIST OF THINGS WRONG WITH THE EGYPTIAN CONSTITUTION.

OPENING:

From the very opening line, ‘In the name of God, the merciful’, the constitution is littered with religious references. (The US constitution was written in 1787, and doesn’t use the word ‘God’ once).
Preamble: reference to ‘Creator’, reference to ‘God’.
Preamble: reference to ‘faith’, ‘God’, ‘Creator’, ‘Heavenly messages’, divine ‘intervention’.
Fourth principle, reference to ‘the Creator’.
The tenth ‘principle’ specifically prioritises race.
Eleventh principle: ‘glorious law of Islam’
Closing of preamble: prioritisation of race, religion.

PART ONE

Article 1: prioritisation of race, religion.
Article 2: establishment of state church, explicitly states the constitution is based in religious law.
Article 3: religious freedom for ‘Christians’ and ‘Jews’ – no other group protected.
Article 4: prioritisation of religious institutions, use of state funds for said institutions, ‘Islam’, ‘Islamic Law’.
Article 10: reference to ‘religion’ as the foundation of the family; references women’s roles as mothers.
Article 11: state promotion of Islamic moral values, prioritisation of race.
Article 25: specific encouragement to religious endowments.

PART TWO

Article 31: Strange restriction on speech: ’No person must suffer insult or scorn’.
Article 43: Freedom of worship and establishment of temples limited to ‘heavenly religions’.
Article 44: Restriction on speech: ‘It is forbidden to insult any messengers of prophets’.
Article 48: Restriction on speech: It is acceptable to censor media in times of war and ‘public mobilization’ (?)
Article 60: Compulsory religious education for all pre-university educational facilities.
Article 80: No statute of limitations for violations of the constitution (including the blasphemy articles).

PART THREE

Article 92: The President may change the location of parliamentary sessions.
Article 93: The President can demand closed parliamentary sessions, without restriction.
Article 111: Tyranny by majority: Elected representatives may be removed upon a two-thirds majority vote by other representatives.
Article 127: Undemocratic executive powers: The President may dissolve the House of Representatives subject to referendum.
Article 128: Undemocratic executive powers: The President can appoint 10% of the Consultative Assembly.
Article 134: Discrimination: the President must have two Egyptian parents, and not be married to a non-Egyptian.
Article 145: International treaties which defy the constitution cannot be adopted – this exempts Egypt from a number of international human rights obligations which contradict the treaty.
Article 150: Undemocratic executive powers: The President can create laws by referendum.
Article 157: The Prime Minister must swear a religious oath.
Article 198: Restrictions on fair trial: civilians may be tried by military courts if they ‘harmed the arm forces’.

PART FOUR

Article 212: Stipulates the creation of a government office for promoting religious endowments.
Article 215: Media must promote ‘decency’ and ‘traditions’.

PART FIVE

Article 219: Prioritisation of Sunni Islam.

So there we have it! This is the shitty constitution which has since been suspended. I need a drink.

- Blurryeyedfern

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ARE YOUR GENITALS SUITABLE FOR SEXING?

So it’s being codified into UK law that trans* people have to reveal their gender status before engaging in sexual relations with someone. Ignoring how creepy this would be if applied to any other identity (why not force people to disclose their race before having sex?), how exactly do we propose to define disclosure relating to gender? What if that guy I’ve taken home is in fact a masculine woman? Are we to presume people know our gender by default? Shall I scream ‘I’M A MAN, I’M A MAN’ at each potential love interest, in case it’s dark and they make a mistaken presumption about my identity? And then we have the age-old issue: how do we define male and female, anyway?

(I might not be the right person to ask…)

As always, I have a solution! In honour of the crude and bigoted nature of this law, I propose the following system to determine your gender! Does your gender expression match what’s been assigned to you? Let’s find out!

 

1: Is your hair more than 1 inch long?

YES: Female

NO: Male

 

2: Do you wear trousers?

(A group of healthy young men)

YES: Male

NO: Female

 

3: Can you multi-task effectively?

YES: Female

NO: Male

 

4: Do you like watching ‘Sex and the City 2′?

YES: Person with no taste

NO: Mental health in good condition

 

5: Did you spend your childhood riding horses?

YES: Cowboy

NO: 21st-century individual

 

6:  Do you like wearing make-up?

YES: Drag queen

NO: Possibly not a drag queen

 

Fuck it, this is all falling apart. Perhaps this whole ‘other people define YOUR gender identity’ thing is a bad idea?

 

7: How do YOU define?

ANSWER WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT, AND FUCK ANYONE WHO THINKS THEY CAN TELL YOU WHAT YOU ARE.

 

Problem solved!

- Genderfuckfern

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PICTURES! PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES!

A picture is worth a thousand words, so this week I have been making one thousand pictures, in the hopes that it will be worth one million words and I shall never have to write again.

The first three are my standard jabs at Facebook and endlessly used internet memes in general. Number one is based on that classic slogan worn by clueless pricks everywhere:

Not bitter at all! Next up, puppies!

And the last of the three Facebook themes, INSPIRATION GUARANTEED!

And finally, a more serious picture explaining the exciting intricacies of the UK’s ‘democratic’ system:

Well, that’s all the pictures for this week. Next week (and forever) – WORDS!

- MSPaintfern

 

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ABOUT 5% OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET ARE SERIAL KILLERS

So I’ve had my blog for almost a year now and, aside from seriously pissing off some football fans and taking their outrage as attempts at flirtation, it’s been going pretty well.

But not the search terms. Although I enjoy the thrill of prodding around the darker corners of the internet as much as the next ill-adjusted 28 year old closet sexpest, the thought of these pet-murdering fingers entering their dark fetishes into Google and stumbling a website with pictures of me – well, it fails to please. In fact, I’m pretty sure that if my home address were on here, I would have been made into several pairs of humanskin gloves long before now.

So with that in mind, please enjoy my shortlisted entries for ‘Most Distressing Search Terms of 2012-2013, Most of Which Are About Fucking Animals’, interspersed with the appropriate pictures.

 

bestiality
kill all communists in america



angela merkel favourite colour
bakingmama blogspot
begone sex
bestiality blog
bestiality sex
bestiality sex cat
butchers organs



choose your own adventure tickle
choose your own adventure with pictures nude
colin powell getting whiter
dead baby bird
example of women missing out because of a nuclear family
fantasy bestiality
gay author redfern



how to insert eyes into vinyl head
john barrett sexo gay
mary seward nude



massive cock
poop your pants choose your own adventure
sex bestialy
sex priority animals
sexy collapse
sexy lizard



tuberculosis in the victorian vicarage
was the tower of babel in 1066
were poor people on streets considered as sinful in victorian times
www.red cultism.com
yarn dolls dressed as doctors

So there we have it. My personal favourite has to be “was the tower of babel in 1066″, which originated from Florida and displays a staggering level of failure in that state’s education system.

So there we have it. Will next year bring yet more bestophiles? Will the US South replace all history books with Bibles? And will a budding murderer find out where I live? Stay tuned!

- Fearfern

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THE FERN FAMILY NEWSLETTER

Well, it’s been an exciting year for the Fern family, and let me tell you, we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs!  My wife Isabella sends her love, as would the children, if they could tear themselves away from their video-gaming machines!

Firstly we have the big news. As you may have heard in some of the frankly disreputable national press, Isabella has been working on setting up a church here in the Cotswolds. She’s been very upset about the whole endeavour, but like me she knows that our good family and friends believe nothing of the accusations, and as we all know the poisonings were a dreadful mistake on the part of our Spanish maid, Maribella, and then upon her incarceration, the devious work of our elderly gardener, Mr. Smith. We pray that justice is duly served, and are working at getting on with our lives. We know that the fourteen unfortunate members of the congregation are enjoying the fruits of Heaven now (with the exception of Mr. Gregory, whom Isabella suspects may have been a homosexual).

In happier news, you may have heard of my promotion! Yes, the firm have recognised my hard work, and I have voyaged from lowly assistant regional district provisional supervisor to the heady realms of senior assistant regional district provisional supervisor! The modest salary increase is helping pay toward Isabella’s legal fees (as is my son Brian’s lemonade stand, and my daughter Gemma’s new 52-hour a week job at the Primark textile workshop). So we are proud to announce that we are now an executive family! Look out, Donald Trump!

Onto less important matters. Gemma got all ‘A’s on her report card this term, but it didn’t stop her from knocking over one of the drinking glasses, or from bursting into tears when we had a good laugh about it! She has a lot of growing up to do. According to her diary, Sam Walker didn’t ask her to the school dinner-dance, but took her best friend Liz Downham instead. We have always told Gemma that she shouldn’t set her sights so high.

Brian’s had a tough year, what with the school psychologists hassling him, but he’s dealing with it like a man, and we won’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to. He’s been reading a lot on biology, and his creative urges led to him ‘experimenting’ on Gemma’s cat. Boys will be boys! Unfortunately, Gemma’s increasingly selfish attitude led her into hysterics, and we had to take her to Dr. Singh to be calmed. We have grounded her for a month. Sometimes I wish our children had the ‘can-do’ spirit of the Waltons!

Well, that’s all the news for now! The Fern family wish you all the best, including a hearty ‘woof woof’ from our dog, Yelpers!

Until next year!

- Fatherfern

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SHAKESPEARE HIGH: PILOT EPISODE

This week I have decided to become a screenwriter for TV. Now, all the best rambling strangers who claim to be writers say that the best advice is to write what you know – and having been a teenager in the late 90s and having done an English degree in the early 00s, what I know is American high schools and William Shakespeare. And hallucinogens.

With that, allow me to introduce the first episode of SHAKESPEARE HIGH:

[Int. school. The strangely wide hallway is festooned in sports banners reading WILD CHICKENS and GO DRAGONS. We see someone in velvet pantaloons rummaging through an absurdly large American high school locker. Upon closing the locker door we see that the individual is WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE]

SHAKESPEARE: Ah, the first day at my new school. Verily, I believe 1589 shall be a good year for ol’ Shakey here.

[A skinny, nerdy guy appears in oversized spectacles. He is clutching a mass of scrolls twice his height]

JOHN MILTON: Ho! Is thou new at this school? Fie! I cannot see above these scrolls, and – whooaaaaah!

[MILTON staggers under the weight of the parchment, dropping all the scrolls to the ground. Canned laughter.]

SHAKESPEARE: Thou nerd. Still, I shall assist thou henceforth. What is thine monicker?

MILTON: What?

SHAKESPEARE: Thine name!

MILTON: The kids here call me Weedy Hedge-Pig, alas I wouldst rather thou called me Milton.

SHAKESPEARE: Ho, Hedge-Pig! Ah, I am simply jocking with thou. Milton, thou shalt keep me out of trouble, I know it. Perchance, can thou show me around? I need a geeky friend like thou. Father says he shall purchase me a wagon, if only I keep my grades high and don’t get distracte-

[SHAKESPEARE'S words trail as he sees ELIZABETH QUEEN walk into the hallway]

SHAKESPEARE: Ho! By my truth, this is the most beautiful of ladies I hath ever come across. Let us pray she comes hither.

ELIZABETH: Excuseth me, but hast thou seen my geography homework? I was up all night making it for evil Sir Walter Raleigh’s class, and alack! Should I not have it, the vile wretch shall fail me for sure!

SHAKESPEARE: [Flustered] I… err… whence…

[A muscular guy in a 'GO DRAGONS' letterman jacket enters, clutching a flat disc of Earth]

PHILIP OF SPAIN: Forsooth, I got it for thou right here babe.

[Hands Elizabeth her homework, kisses her on the cheek. SHAKESPEARE turns to the camera and mouths 'What the -']

PHILIP OF SPAIN: Alas mark me, for I must meet the guys for football practice. Later, doll. [Jumps out the window into a horse-drawn convertible]

SHAKESPEARE: Who was that dork?

ELIZABETH: Thou frothy rogue! That ‘dork’ is captain of the football team, and he dost also happen to be my boyfriend!

[ELIZABETH turns her head in regal disgust, whilst MILTON hurried scribbles something with a quill, handing it to SHAKESPEARE and whispering to him]

SHAKESPEARE: Hark! Thou hast my sincerest apologies, fair maiden. May this sonnet assist your forgiveness of me? [clears throat]

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Thou hast the fairest smile, and a rockin’ backside.”

ELIZABETH: [smiles, turns back toward SHAKESPEARE] Why, thou art a saucy braggard! Perchance I shall forgive you. You can call me Lizzie. See thou around. [Exit]

SHAKESPEARE: Thou know, Milton – I dost think I shall like it here. [laughter, cuts to commercial]

 

Will Shakespeare win over Queen Lizzie? Will he beat the knuckle-headed jock Philip of Spain? And can Milton go five minutes without gently sobbing to himself?

Find out with the next exciting episode of SHAKESPEARE HIGH!

- Bardfern

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WANT TO MARRY ME? *FULL TERMS AND CONDITIONS*

I’M ENGAGED!!

Just kidding. But if I ever need health insurance / a visa, I can be a very devoted husbandwife to you. In fact, should you lead me to the altar in order that I may fake my own identity or hide my raging homosexuality, I can offer you the following spousely services:

I shall be the most 19th Century of husbands

Breakfast in bed

Once per month
‘Continental’
(May refer to ‘loaf of stale bread thrown from a distance’)

Cleaning 

Myself
Sometimes

Hugs 

Once per birthday
May consist of an ‘air hug’ whilst making repulsed faces

Romantic trips to the beach 

Google Streetview
20 minutes

Revenge attacks 

One victim per week
Your choice of club, shovel, or metal chain

Surprise pets

Animal chosen at random
One per week
Pet food and pet care not included

Singing / Romantic seranades

Performed by you
Under a bridge
All profits directed to marital pet fund

Meat

Unmarked carrier bags
No questions

Fidelity

From you
One pool boy per half-hour for me

*Deluxe* revenge attack

Your choice of stanley knife, Mayan spear, or WW2 grenades

Travel

To / from work
To / from ‘marital counselling session’ (dropping me off at the poolboy’s cabin)

And last but not least:

Pointless drunken arguments about specific historical points

Your choice of political freedom in Classical Athens, reputation of the Spanish Conquistadors, legacy of Oliver Cromwell
4 hours of frightening, hysterical screaming
Broken crockery not replaced

That’s right, I’m the full package! Please check Craigslist for latest marital offers, then simply take my name and join the others in the ‘spousal dormitory’. It’s just like a sleepover! But with jealous spouses trying to shank you!

One at a time, ladies, gents, and neithers.

- Redfern

 

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Review: ‘Village Books’ by Craig McLay

(2/5)

It’s difficult for me to give this book 2 stars, because I wanted to like it: the premise was sound, the introductory chapters were good, and it’s important to support indy publishing. There’s also the fact that, as an indy author myself, I just plain don’t like giving bad feedback on someone else’s hard work. Despite all that, my frustration with this novel is still clawing at my brain like a fatal parasite, so I can’t avoid giving a below average rating.

As I say, the premise was decent enough: we follow the lives of the employees of a mid-sized Canadian bookstore – a store which is threatened with extinction by Corporate Evil. The writing seems witty and there are a wide range of characters. It’s about 20% of the way through* that the problems start, and I found myself plodding on just to return to the initial buzz of the first couple of chapters.

It quickly becomes apparent that the wide range of characters are actually a wide range of bland fictional archetypes. We have the Pretentious, Under-washed Philosophy Student-Wannabe; The Anal-Retentive Germaphobe; The Stoner; The Crazy Ex; Stylish Gay Man; Grumpy Old Guy; Female Love Interest; and Bland Male Best Friend. You’ve seen all of these in pretty much every mass-market comedy ever made. For lovers of literary fiction, it’s impossible to care about these individuals because their personalities are hollow Hollywood creations. The plot follows a similarly formulaic path: if you can’t guess everything that happens, you’re either on a morphine drip or you’ve been raised in an abandoned WW2 bunker without access to television or books.

That’s nothing next to the narration, which at times honestly made me want to throw my Kindle out the train window. We’re given the first-person ramblings of the central character, and he absolutely loves topical pop culture references (even if they don’t fit), obnoxiously inappropriate author-voiced political rants (and that’s even with me agreeing with most of them), and displaying a level of neuroses that would make a character in a Woody Allen film gasp with frustration. Oh, and he loves affected British terminology. You’ll read the words ‘old bean’ so many times it’ll only be from the horrified looks of your fellow train passengers that you’ll realise you have large clumps of your own hair in your hands.

So yeah, Village Books is intermittently bland and obnoxious, and saved from a single star only because there needs to be some differentiation between books like this and the mass of titles pumped out after a one draft without a single word spelled correctly (there are at least no spelling or grammar mistakes here, old bean). Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to rinse my mind with cheap vodka and the latest Jeanette Winterson.

- Redfern

*I know it’s down to e-readers, but it still feels weird to refer to books in percentages.

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MONOGAMY LOOPHOLES

As my legions of devoted cultists are aware, I am not one for monogamy. To me, being with just one person for the rest of your life is like only ever eating one type of cereal, or only ever abducting one race of homeless person for your doomsday project. However, monogamy is the path for the majority, and as a self-dedicated “public servant” I shall devote myself to assisting the polyamory-impaired.

Now, despite pledging your genitals to the fumblings of your one and only true love, some of you insist on the occasional bump-and-rubbing session with other soulmates – but how to avoid the sticky, guilty label of ‘cheater’?

Well fear not, my wedding ring-clad followers! For I have determined the following ‘monogamy loopholes’. If your partner gets upset, simply refer them to this chart! After all, it’s not cheating if…

You are underwater

You know how some people call themselves vegetarian but still eat fish? It’s because there are different rules down there! Sure you promised eternal fidelity, but that was on land, not whilst being watched by an octopus!

Your entire body is numbed with local anaesthetic

This is the golden rule: if you can’t feel it, it doesn’t count! PRO TIP: hospitals have poor security measures!

It is very dark

If you can’t see it, it didn’t happen

Your lover is a life-sized cut-out of Michael Jordan from Space Jam

Because no-one can reasonably expect you to resist that.

You are strung-out on the Marijuana Drug

From what I’ve learned from teen anti-drug programming, anything can happen when you smoke the mary jane. Anything.

God told you to do it

Divine orders cannot be disobeyed.

One or both of you are dead

No pulse, no problem. (This refers to ghosts, not dirty corpse-o’-philia)

Dirty corpse-o’-philia

Bodies count as inanimate objects, and are therefore in the same classification as sex toys and photographs of Tom Selleck’s moustache.

The world is ending

People can spout off about ‘being with loved ones’ all they like, but when the asteroid is about to hit, you want to be swapping skin flakes with your hot neighbour rather than your dumpy spouse, and they’re just going to have to spend their final moments respecting that.

So there you have it! 9 fool-proof circumstances in which you can extra-marital sex it up. Join us next week when we teach you have to falsify your partner’s credit card information! Everybody wins!

- Affairfern

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WITHERING BEGONE! SEX TIPS FROM REDFERN ENTERPRISES

We at Redfern Enterprises are in love with love! We just adore seeing young couples gazing into each other’s eyes, holding hands, and making new generations of impoverished humans to buy our products and serve as test subjects! Romance!

But sometimes relationships slump – libidos and vital parts soften. How can you rekindle the romance? How can you revive the lust? How to stop your significant other from cheating on you with household pets? Well we’re here to help.*

So without further ado, we present ‘Redfern Enterprises Tips for a Passable Sex Life’  (Please note: Redfern Enterprises bear no responsibility for this advice, and its publication in ‘Redfern Enterprises Magazine by Redfern Enterprises’ should not be taken as any form of association with this work on the part of Redfern Enterpises). Have fun!

 

1. HUMAN GENITALS ARE LIKE CARS: THEY NEED LUBRICATION OR THEY EXPLODE

Tired of rubbing dry, sandpapery genitals together until you spark a fire? There are many good lubricants out there, but for pure candle-lit romantic adventures we recommend Redfern Enterprises Classified Recycled Industrial Fluids For Miscellaneous Use. It tastes like cherries!** Do not use internally!

 

2. THREE, THREE, THREESOMES!

Many couples find that a good old-fashioned three-way rekindles the passion lost when you tried to run out on your wedding. But how to find the perfect third? Who can know the intimate parts of you and your partner better than you and your partner? And how can you be sure your lover won’t run off with them?

Thankfully, the absolutely non-imprisoned sciencemen at Redfern Enterprises have a solution! Simply pop some of your and your loved one’s genetic material into the Petri Dish of Romance, and place it into the GOD DEFIER Microwave of Love! Simply wait 2-3 days and voila! To help you along, we’ve lobbied most national governments into altering the definition of incest, and the product will simply disintegrate after 5 hours (scream-proof booth supplied separately). Hurrah, your perfect third!

 

3. HUMAN EMOTIONS ARE SEXUALLY AROUSING

Many people like a sense of humour. Others prefer happiness and warmth. However, our free-range pyschoanalytic team has found people tears to be the sexiest of aphrodesiacs. So simply think about lost kittens! Or the conditions at one of our many ‘HappyWorker Assembly Plants’!

If you have difficulty feeling emotion, we have a product for that! (Also, we would like you to consider one of our managerial posts). The Redfern Enterprises MakeWater Eye Salve will have you crying in a fraction of a second!*** The bedroom awaits!

That’s all for this week, but keep an eye on Redfern Enterprises Magazine for more ‘healthy’ tips for your love life! As a family company, we cannot allow any of our current or former employees to divorce! So climb between the sheets and get reading!

- CEOfern

 

*The term ‘help’ may be subject to legal re-definition without notice.

**’Cherries’ in this context may not refer to any naturally-produced fruits or vegetables, and the term may be expanded to include combustion salts, manufacturer’s grease, and landfill.

*** Hold product exactly 0.6-0.61 centimetres away from the eyeball. Do not use for more than 0.023 seconds. Side effects can include hallucinations, distortion of all current memories, and ocular melting. Use of the product is taken as implicit consent to our terms and conditions, including but not limited to the waving of all legal rights.

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