Redfern Jon Barrett's Blog, page 7

THE JEALOUS PARTNER’S GUIDE TO THE APPLE WATCH

Well Apple followers, what an exciting year 2015 is turning out to be! Not only do we have the release of another iPhone, another iPad, and yet another MacBook Air, we also have the release of a really small phone that is tied to your wrist and can’t make its own calls. “But wait!” we hear you ask. “What’s in it for me, a psychotically jealous partner who likes nothing better than to follow my loved one to the supermarket whilst wearing a series of elaborate disguises in order to ensure they’re not having some sort of torrid affair?”

We’re glad you asked.

 

Heartrate Monitor App

First up, we have the TruthPulse heartrate monitoring app. Now, you may have already heard of one of the Apple Watch’s most exciting, dystopian features: its ability to track your very pulse. This innovative addition means that, for the first time, couples will have the ability to feel their loved one’s heartbeat from thousands of miles away. Just picture the scene: you’re at home in San Diego enjoying a nice cup of herbal tea whilst your significant other is on a business trip to Seattle. You’re about to begin your fifteenth hour of Candy Crush Saga when your iWatch sets off a powerful alarm, alerting you to a notable increase in your partner’s heart rate.

He might be doing exercise, but no, he hasn’t been to the gym since 2003.

Deep down you know what it is – he’s with your whore sister again. Thankfully our communications software means you can now send the data directly to your lawyer’s office! Good luck keeping anything in the divorce, scumbag!

 

Reminders

We all remember the ‘Reminders’ app from the iPhone – and we’re pleased to announce its return with the Apple Watch. This time, not only will you be able to set your own reminders, you’ll be able to send reminders to other people’s devices! Reminders like:

Don’t have an affair

or,

Stop having that affair

or even,

I tried to warn you, it was you who didn’t listen. Well don’t bother coming home, I’ve already changed the locks and burned the entirety of your possessions in front of our horrified neighbors. There’s nothing left for you here.

The possibilities are endless!

 

‘NeverAlone’ Phone-tApp

At Apple we have a proud history of inter-device connectivity. We like to think of our product range as a family: so imagine your Apple Watch as the patient long-term boyfriend who has spent countless years keeping the apartment sort-of clean and looking after the cat, and the iPhone as a girlfriend who has a suspiciously close relationship with her new boss. With her phone signal transmitted straight to your wristwatch, you’ll gain the comforting, loving security of a Soviet intelligence agent.

Yet unlike those hapless state employees, you won’t have to listen to countless hours of futile conversation! The app will automatically track calls with the keywords ‘affair’, ‘secret’, and ‘my partner hasn’t satisfied me in four years, I’m glad I’ve repaid his faithful devotion by ultimately betraying him in the back seat of your Bentley.’

Remember, if she’s done nothing wrong, she has nothing to hide.

 

‘Miss You Miss You’ Wake-Up Alarm

“Good morning, honey!”

From the very moment you open your eyes, you’re gifted the comforting pre-recorded tones of your partner’s voice.

“Wish I could be there with you.”

Smiling gently, you slowly pull yourself up, thinking about the tasks of the day ahead.

“If you cheat on me again, I’m taking the children.”

Taking off your Apple Watch and hurling it at the wall (rebounding harmlessly, thanks to the all-new FrustrationGlass construction), you then pull the covers over your face. You won’t be getting up today.

 

High-Voltage Relationship Correction App

We’ve all been there: your husband makes a joke about your parents, so you smash his favourite mug against the imported granite countertop and begin the process of stuffing his favorite neckties into the waste disposal. But then he takes things too far.

With the ShockDoctrine app, you can send a powerful electrical charge from his Apple Watch, directly into his wrist. Who’s a ‘crazy bitch’ now, huh? You’re not the one lying on the floor in a puddle of their own urine!

 

So there we have it, distrusting consumers! All the services an unreasonably suspicious partner could ever wish for (except therapy). Your relationship may not survive, but these new Apple Watch features will provide you with a powerful sense of vindicated self-righteousness.

Remember: trust no-one.

Except us. You can always trust us.

- WatchingYoufern

(Want more Apple blasphemy? Take a look at ‘Inspiring Quotes From Steve Jobs’ Ghost here)

The post THE JEALOUS PARTNER’S GUIDE TO THE APPLE WATCH appeared first on redjon.com.

Near Year News

Despite the entirely arbitrary nature of the calendar year, I still get excited at seeing the numbers climb ever-upwards into the future – and as I wrote a couple of years ago, 2015 is a good year for science fiction: it’s the year of Back to the Future II, The 6th Day, and Event Horizon (hell, we’re now only four years away from the horrifying Blade Runner reality…)

It’s is also shaping up to be a good year for a certain loud and excitable writer who spent his new years indoors because he’s afraid of fireworks. With that awkward segue I bring you the exciting news of 2015 – a whole six days in.

The Giddy Death of the Gays & the Strange Demise of Straights  is being released by Lethe Press in June



With a fantastic cover designed by Matt Cresswell, and also available for preorder.

Not only that, but it is also being released as an audio book, narrated by voice actress Fiona Thraille



The audio version will be available via Audible, and I’m extremely excited to hear it!



My alternative Berlin subway map made it into the Berliner Zeitung this week:

“Merkelplatz” und “Zombie Park” als Haltestelle: Der britische Künstler Redfern Jon Barrett würde die S- und U-Bahn-Stationen gerne nach ihren Kiezbesonderheiten umbenennen. Mit seinem Entwurf hat er der “Misfit City” (Stadt der Außenseiter), wie er Berlin liebevoll nennt, ein Denkmal gesetzt.


View the post here.
I’ve been working on the next novel, Fall of Sheffield


The novel follows a young temp worker, a deaf pensioner, and an Asian banker during a British revolution and civil war.For samples from the novel so far, be sure to check out my Facebook page. Click ‘like’ to win my eternal love and esteem.

That’s it for this six-day increment! Come back next week when a leftover firework set off by the neighbour kids causes me to barricade myself inside the apartment again.

Till then, adoring cult members!

- Writefern

The post Near Year News appeared first on redjon.com.

HOW TO NOT GET ARRESTED THIS XMAS

Greetings happy housewives and househusbands! Welcome back to Housespouse Corner, where we help turn tears into treasures and empty gin bottles into elegant centerpieces! Or we would, if you hadn’t thrown it at the wall when your ex called by with the divorce papers! You certainly scared him!

Now, normally we at Housespouse Corner don’t celebrate Christmas, or any holiday that could potentially cause a mess in our lovely clean kitchens – however, we’ve received a special request this year to do a seasonal themed episode. As so many of our carefully-crafted plans for elegant cocktail parties and stunning gardens seem to result in police intervention, we bring you

HOUSESPOUSE CORNER:

HOW TO NOT GET ARRESTED THIS XMAS

Step One

Get out of bed. It’s Christmas, so let’s leap into the day filled with festive cheer and seasonal joy!

Step Two

Fail at getting out of bed. Lie beneath the filthy sheets mentally going over all the mistakes you made in your life.

Step Three

Lure yourself out of bed with a special breakfast of home-made Christmas Baileys. What could be better than a creamy Yule drink? You will need:

Milk (back of the fridge; expired)
Alcohol (window cleaner the neighbours sent you in a passive-aggressive attempt to get you to improve the state of your property)
Mixing spoon/fingers

Lovely! For a little Xtra Xmas Spirit, why not sprinkle some Shake-N-Vac on top? Pretend it’s snow! Beautiful heavily-perfumed snow!

Step Four

Vomit/black out

Step Five

Lie on the kitchen floor dreaming of being surrounded by friends and loved ones this holiday season.

Step Six

Wait, it’s not too late! It’s never too late to make new loved ones! You just need to find the right gifts. The right gifts will bring you love!

Step Seven

First you need to go outside. This means getting dressed. Now, every good housespouse knows how important it is to have the perfect outfit for the holiday season – that’s right, goodbye filthy sweatpants!

And hello Christmas fashion sensation! For this year’s spectacle you will need:

Sewing kit (unused)
The glitter the children left behind when they were dragged away by that awful social services lady you’ve since been following around with a knife
12 sheets of wrapping paper (neighbour’s recycling bin)
Sticky tape
Modelling glue

Step Eight

First, dab just a little modelling glue under each nostril to give you that extra “Christmas boost”. Next, cover your naked, shameful body with the wrapping paper, carefully taping it into place with the sticky tape.

Step Nine

Sure, why not also make yourself an authentic Christmas beard with the modelling glue? ‘Tis the season!

Step Ten

Step Eleven

Wake up. Apply glitter to face to look like a real angel! Don’t get it in your eyes. DON’T GET IT IN -

Step Twelve

Emergency room.

Step Thirteen

Well, now that you’re up and about you may as well start shopping for presents! Don’t worry about that doctor’s instructions to ‘not leave the hospital bed’ or ‘under no circumstances remove the eye patches’. What’s ‘corneal tearing’ anyway? Sounds like some new-age mumbo jumbo to me!

Well, you may have lost your lovely yuletide outfit, but at least you’re now wearing a gleaming white medical gown! That’s xmassy, right? And look on the bright side: even the hospital was unable to remove all that glitter from your face!

Step Fourteen

Wander into the street. Don’t worry about the looks those strangers are giving you – they’re simply overawed by what can only be described as a Christmas miracle walking toward them!

But what to do now? You don’t have any money for presents!

Step Fifteen

When in doubt, the best homekeepers simply turn to their own crafting skills. What can be better than something home-made?

To catch the Christmas present that’s going to bring love back into your life, you’re going to need to hand-craft a special Solstice trap. You will need:

Barbed wire (wall behind the off-license)
Meat (bins behind McDonald’s)

Why not add some sprigs of holly to give it that extra little dash of cheer?

Once the Christmas trap is complete, bring it to the dog park.

Step Sixteen

You did it! You caught a cute little Christmas Rottweiler! Sure, he looks a little angry right now, but he’ll be filled with holiday cheer once you remove the barbed wire!

Step Seventeen

No, this can’t be your dog. This dog is mine.

Step Eighteen

NO. NO, YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM. HE’S GOING TO BRING ME FESTIVE JOY

Step Nineteen

Who are you calling? No! Not again!

Step Twenty

Run. Leave the dog, they’re not going to catch you this time! Help me, Christmas angels!

Step Twenty-One

Fuck. Well, at least this time the police have put some lovely glittering tinsel on the wall. And hey, you’re not alone – your cellmate is here! Whispering Christmas threats! Stroking your hair!

So there we have it, a lovely, peaceful holiday celebration. Join us next time when we’ll be writing new year’s resolutions in permanent marker over pictures of your former family!

‘Till then Merry Housespouses!

- Yulefern

Click here for more episodes of Housespouse Corner

The post HOW TO NOT GET ARRESTED THIS XMAS appeared first on redjon.com.

THE ANGRIEST MODELS OF KADEWE

Rich people aren’t like you or I. We live in apartments, they live in private jets. Whilst we have secret sexual relationships with our bosses in a feeble attempt to rise a quarter-rung higher up the corporate ladder, they have harems filled with movie stars. Nowhere is this difference more noticeable than advertising. See, adverts made for we junk food-snorting proletarians show people being happy. The people in billboards and on TV frolic around some unrealistically clean restaurant or mall, their mouths upturned in what their agent told them is simulated delight. The message is simple: buy this and you can be as happy as these failed actors.

But not adverts for the rich. The models (they are always models) in advertisements for luxury goods always, always look miserable. They pout and glare and generally look as though they’ve been told that being thin and attractive causes bowel cancer. This is because the rich are masochists.

In order to chart this phenomenon, I went to Berlin’s foremost cluttering of rich people, Kaufhaus Des Westerns (more commonly and stupidly known as KaDeWe).

As taking pictures inside the store had me glared at by staff and eyed by security, I took along my two burly assistants/boyfriends. Because no-one will fuck with three bespectacled homosexuals.

With shaky cameraphone in hand, it was our mission to work out exactly what scenarios these models were trying to emulate, and what circumstances the rich people were supposed to aspire to. With that, I bring you:

 

THE ANGRIEST MODELS OF KADEWE

After taking his new wife to his family’s “ranch” (estate), Warren, having realised his nuptial mistake, subconsciously sabotages the poor woman’s efforts to ingratiate herself with his relatives. At dinner, he subtly criticizes her mode of eating and choice of formal wear, slowly chipping away at her self-esteem whilst making her look like an impoverished cretin. Over dessert he makes sure his parents are aware of at least eight of her faults. As the sky slowly dims Warren takes her for an after-dinner walk, conveying his judgement of his hapless wife through stern silence. Seating himself on one of his father’s many vintage cars, he stares at her with a disapproval which lets her know she will get nothing in the divorce.

 

As the cocaine and tranquiliser cocktail began to wear off, Stephanie’s increasing sobriety brought her to the terrible realisation that she was, in fact, standing in the middle of a discount supermarket. And that she had nothing on beneath her coat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He always said he loved her bangs. This would show him. Going into the bathroom and reaching for his nail scissors, she began to attack the innocent strands of her own hair. This would show him. So he liked dispersing the funds they’d been saving for a luxury tour of Seoul’s best restaurants among upmarket casinos did he? Well, no trip, no pretty hair. The job complete, she exited the bathroom and posed against the hallway cube, waiting for him to come back from work, pleased with herself for finding the appropriate outlet for her rage. This would show him.

 

 

 

Tobias has a rare moment of lucid reflection upon realising that his boyfriend’s hatred of his very existence has become so deep-rooted and passive-aggressive that he packed him 30 denim jackets and no shirts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whilst on a luxury backpacking tour through Malaysia to repair their failing relationship, Timothy and his girlfriend Imogen (not pictured) decide to be ‘wild’ and walk down a third-world street whilst accompanied by only three bodyguards. In all the excitement Imogen walks too fast, accidentally nudging Timothy’s ankle with her shoe. Timothy milks this for all he can, crying out in pain and then dramatically sitting down, making sure to make angry eye contact with his soon to be ex-lover for a full twenty minutes, whilst rubbing a different part of his leg entirely.

 

 

 

‘I hate you. By every hair of this kittenfur coat, I hate you.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘This is the worst picture of me I’ve ever had commissioned. How am I supposed to send this as a Christmas card to my pauper relatives? How will they know that I’m better than them when I look like I’m fading into three separate dimensions? You’re fired. Watch your back.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

Having read every last one of his diaries, Sandra contemplates the appropriate revenge, knowing full well that her father’s judicial contacts will protect her from the futile retributions of the criminal justice system.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘Oh my! Oh my! Look how my arm is weighted down with the 24 karat gold bracelet inlaid with flawless diamonds you didn’t buy for me. Oh, it’s so heavy and imaginary, and it was so thoughtful of you to not buy it after I sighed four times whilst gazing upon it at the jewellers. I love you so fucking much, I probably won’t even have an affair with your father.’

 

 

 

 

 

Although Gunter is actually highly attracted to the naked man before him, he makes sure to give the individual’s bare torso a look of quiet, regretful disdain, so the appropriate power dynamic in the budding relationship is established. This could be The One!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sheldon ensures his interior decorator knows his full disgust at this choice of mural, and that not only will he be fired, but his entire professional career is finished.

 

 

 

 

With their ageing mother having finally passed away, Wendel and Estonia are finally to come into their inheritance. Knowing that owning a mere half the family fortune would be an insult to their dignity, each agrees to go on a bonding trip to Switzerland’s finest ski resort. Each hiding the appropriate weapon within the elegant lining of their formal wear, they agree to take a lovely walk in the snow. As they find a quiet, secluded spot in the isolated forest, each knows it is time.

No-one is going to share the beach house.

 

Gazing upon their own reflections in the mirror of a ruthlessly upmarket department store they had patronised (in every sense of the word) in order to make themselves feel better about their own lack of monetary funds, each of the three boyfriends realises they’ve made a horrible mistake in devoting their lives to pursuits they actually enjoy. Slowly, whilst still staring into the cold mocking void of the reflective surface, each makes the individual decision to dedicate their lives to gloomy material gain – feeling lighter as a result. There is a brief moment of internal panic at the realisation that this sensation of lightness is simply that of their souls departing, the terror quickly alleviated by the realisation that they would soon be able to afford hand-stitched cashmere coats.

The woman in the red hat notices nothing.

Join us next time when we’ll be screaming at random strangers in the street! For no reason!

- Wealthfern

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NEWS NIEWS NOOS

It’s that time when I refrain from writing blog posts about scented candles and repressed homosexuality and instead focus on things that have actually been happening to me in the real (?) world. And things happening there have been!

Firstly, you may have noticed some changes to this site.

The short stories page is updated, with new releases and pretty pictures of book covers. The site’s main page has also received some changes, now including my writing profile and a fantastic new picture taken by Alex Goldberg. Thanks to Alex for capturing my beard’s magnificent ginger glint.








My short story ‘Liquid Loyalty’ was reprinted in Heiresses of Russ: The Year’s Best Lesbian Speculative Fiction 2014, edited by Steve Berman and Melissa Scott

Available in hardback, paperback, and ebook editions. Description follows (with more information available on the short stories page):

A book such as this spins not only words but also whole worlds: eighteen of them, representing the best lesbian-themed stories of the fantastic or futuristic published the prior year: An artisan who tests the skills and wares of her friends in the hope of finding the ideal housing for an idealized love. A shape-shifting sidekick ensures that the heroine, who might not even be aware of her, saves the day. The device on a young girl’s wrist that counts down the years until she will meet her soul mate poses the ultimate challenge of delayed gratification. A daydreamer wonders how she will face the coming Stone Moon and its gathering when her culture demands fertility yet her heart belongs to her best friend, who is not only female but of a higher caste. The women to be met in these pages will find themselves tested not because of their sexual identity but rather the identity they have composed, constructed, and spun.



My short story ‘Airbound’ was published as part of Sleek Magazine’s ‘Project Random’

‘Project Random’ brought together a range or writers and artists as a commentary on various exhibitions from Berlin Fashion Week. My resulting short-short story ‘Airbound’ centres on a family living high in the clouds, their caste determining the restraints which could prove their downfall…

Read the story here.
‘Straight Baby’, a story about queerness and disability in a world newly focused on eugenics was published in the ‘Drag Noir’ anthology, edited by K.A. Laity

Available in paperback and ebook editions. Description below:

DRAG NOIR: this is where glamour meets grit, where everyone’s wearing a disguise (whether they know it or not) and knowing the players takes a lot more than simply reading the score cards. Maybe everyone’s got something to hide, but they’ve got something to reveal, too. Scratch the surface and explore what secrets lie beneath — it’s bound to cost someone…a lot. Introduction by Dana Gravesen and Bryan Asbury.
My article ‘Disability as Drag’, a comparison between queer and disability rights issues in ‘Straight Baby’ was released on the Fox Spirit blog, available to read here

“Each presents us with  a deviation from the norm which a great number of people still feel uncomfortable with, and which presents this difficult truth: that the privilege one receives for cis-heterosexuality or able-bodiedness is a result of random chaotic chance.”
The cover is currently being designed for my novel ‘The Giddy Death of the Gays & the Strange Demise of Straights’

Exciting stuff! The novel is being published by Lethe Press, scheduled for release April 2015.
I’m working on my new novel, Fall of Sheffield, and here’s a rough map:

Following an Asian banker, impoverished young communist, and an elderly deaf pensioner, FALL OF SHEFFIELD takes place during a British revolution and civil war about a decade into the future…

So that’s pretty much all the writing goings-on around here. Honourable near-mentions go to my lack of bathing, catching sparrows as pets, and a potential military coup. For updates as they happen, check out my Facebook page and twitter account.

Next time there will be more frightening attempts at ‘humour’. Promise.

- Writefern

The post NEWS NIEWS NOOS appeared first on redjon.com.

PERFECTLY “SAFE” SCENTED CANDLES FROM REDFERN ENTERPRISES

PRESS STATEMENT FROM REDFERN ENTERPRISES

OCTOBER 2014

“Hello… hello… is this thing on? Wait, I think… I think the microphone is broken… I think… Yeah, no, this looks like a handgun. Lemme check -”

[Loud air-piercing shots are heard; one brief scream]

“Well, then I’ll just have to talk a little louder. Hey, who invited the guy with blood all over his shirt? I mean, make an effort, am I right?”

[Pauses for laughter]

“So the reasons for calling this press conference are twofold. Firstly, I would like to apologise to the families of those who recently purchased Redfern Enterprises Nu-Age Brand Imitation Insence (TM), and we would like to make it clear that we will cover 30% of the costs of safe disposal for your loved ones.

Secondly, I would like to announce Redfern Enterprises “Wellness-ish” Brand Scented Candles, available in the following flavours. Hold on, is this microphone still not on? Wait a second -”

[Several more shots, the sound of sirens alongside the panicked footsteps of a press stampede]

PERFECTLY “SAFE” SCENTED CANDLES FROM REDFERN ENTERPRISES

SEX DUNGEON

Feeling lonely? Redfern Enterprises ‘Sex Dungeon’ scented candle will fill your home with all the delightful scents of human body goo and sincere shame! Disturb your friends!


GAS LEAK

‘Oh my god, what’s that smell? Are we going to die? ARE WE?’

‘Haha, no – that’s just my new candle, ‘GAS LEAK’ by Redfern Enterprises! Wait, where are you going?’
STAGNANT POND

A must-have for urbanites who miss the smell of decaying algae and the delicate aroma of poorly-disposed human remains.
BLEACH FRESH

A favourite for nightclubs-after-closing-hours and hospitals alike, our  ’BLEACH FRESH SCENTED CANDLE’ will protect your home and family*



*THIS PRODUCT PROTECTS NOTHING
BURNT HAIR

A scent which has repelled nostrils  since ancient times, ‘BURNT HUMAN HAIR’ will keep away strangers and unwanted pets.
FISH MARKET

All the memories of a family-friendly day out to the local dead fish emporium – relive the days when you could afford first-hand food.


ELECTRICAL BURNING

That’ll teach you to buy your child Somali-made toys.
BATTLEFIELD

Pow! Bang! Bang! All the delicate scents of blood, terror, and human excrement from a real 1800s battlefield!
SICK CAT

‘Just hang in there, fluffy.’


TARMAC

Experience the invigorating wafts of a freshly-lain road.
UN-WIPED GYM EQUIPMENT

Ewww, gross! Someone left their sweat over everything! Who used this last? Was it Barry? Uhh, never mind, I just need a moment with this…


PHOTOCOPIER

Mmm, the heady cancer-inducing scent of office romance! Better hurriedly wipe up those suspicious stains before your gossipy co-worker sees you!
GOAT

Baaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Sign up to the Redfern Enterprises Newsletter for the latest product announcements and free virus attachments! Until next whenever-I-feel-like-it!

- CEOfern

(Many thanks to my terrifying roommates for screaming scented candle suggestions at me through my bedroom door)

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CAN YOU KEEP YOUR MAN?

I’m tired of magazines like Cosmopolitan and Bella hogging all the troubling relationship advice. After all, I have interacted with human people on many occasions, and I definitely touched fingers with the postman once. Plus, I’ve been using medical waste bins as an all-you-can-eat buffet, so I’m pretty sure I’m in the right headspace to rival the writings of these fine, women-in-weird-poses-fronted publications.

(This is how I stand when waiting for the bus, or a sex client)

And if there’s one thing I know best, it’s how to stop people from running away at any cost.

Any. Cost.

With that I give you:

CAN YOU KEEP YOUR MAN? THE QUIZ!

Q1: After weeks of asking and delivering thinly-veiled physical threats against his retro video games collection, your husband has finally taken you out for a romantic meal! You’re so excited – the glitz, the glamour, the angry waiter with the troubling “racial” tattoos…

But no! Just as you take a seat that impotent sack of shit is ogling some other woman’s behind! What do you do?

A: Bring the conversation ’round to something serious – like his aunt suffering from cancer.

B: Lighten the mood and make a joke! Make it dark! Unreasonably dark! Hey, isn’t his favourite aunt dying of cancer?

C: Cut out his sleazy eyes.

 

Q2: It’s your 30th birthday! Things are going great – your friends and family are celebrating with you, and you’ve kept the drunken sobbing to an absolute minimum.

But wait, what’s that sound? Uh-oh, it’s your biological clock ticking!

Your husband says he needs to talk about having kids first – BUT THERE’S NO TIME. You need to do something fast – menopause could hit any second!

A: What? That’s ridiculous, you have plenty of time before menopause, and who says you even want kids? Your lifetime collection of old Happy Meal toys is more than you can handle.

B: Steal a dog as practice. Once he’s fallen in love with the dog, kill it and tell him a child will be even better. Promise not to kill the child.

c: You don’t need his permission, just his sperm! C’mon, he leaves that stuff everywhere – the sheets, the curtains, your sister’s hair. Go grab some of that boy paste!

 

Q3: Your husband is in the hospital after imbibing all those “vitamins” you put in his coffee every morning (oh please, if you’re not prepared to tranquilize your spouse to keep them faithful you have no business being married). The doctors say his health insurance expired and treatment is expensive – plus, if he survives he will need constant care. And you have a manicure appointment this afternoon!

(Ain’t nobody got time for that)

A: Oh no! What were you thinking? You’ll help him, whatever it takes – even if it means selling your Beenie Baby collection before they finally appreciate in value.

B: WWRCJLD? What Would Romantic Comedy Jennifer Lopez Do? Go watch all her films. Drink vodka. Forget.

C: He’s in a coma just because he swallowed a half-years’ supply of horse tranquilizers? Dump that zero and get into gear-o! Spend the hospital money on a singles cruise! Find a man with a less poisonable stomach!

 

Q4: Your husband has been flicking through the wrong television channels and now claims to have found God. He wants to take you to church on Sunday.

Sunday? You mean All-You-Can-Drink-Cocktail-Brunch-Pretending-You’re-Waiting-For-Friends-To-Show-Up Day? Unless Jesus’ blood is made from mojitos this is bad. Very bad.

A: Come on! It might not be your thing, but everyone has their own hobbies! He has God, you have cryvomiting in the dark after eating a dozen cream eggs. Encourage him!

B: Distract him! Does he want spirituality, or a fancy set of golf clubs you stole from that elderly businessman?

C: YOU ARE HIS GOD.

BURN DOWN THE CHURCH.

 

Q5: It’s been a few years now and your sex life has grown a little… sluggish. Like a fat, soft slug that only gets hard when Golden Girls re-runs come on TV. It’s time to spice things up! But how?

A: What? I’m not insecure enough to take sex advice from a jaded lifestyle magazine. I’m happy for my husband to leave me because I’m too foolish to follow amazing marriage-saving advice.

B: Go kinky! Get some handcuffs, chain him up. Leave him there until he’s over his sick Bea Arthur fetish.

C: Be wild! Tickle him with a feather duster. Shoot his kneecaps. Rub ice cubes on his nipples. Rub sandpaper on his eyelids. Bit his lips. Bite his balls. Bite them off. Force them from your mouth into his. Put a pillow on his face to shut him up. Destroy the evidence.

 

Q6: Congratulations! Your 10 year anniversary is coming up! Sure you’ve had your ups and downs – he had an affair with his secretary, you murdered his secretary – but you’ve stuck together through it all. Come rain or shine or city-leveling hurricanes, you still love each other. So how to celebrate?

A: Keep it simple. How about an awkward meal in an above-average-price restaurant during which you can slowly realise you no longer have anything in common and maybe never did?

B: It’s a special occasion, so splash out on that round-the-world cruise! Sure, you can only afford the ticket for yourself, but that’s his fault for getting sick on horse tranquilizers and missing that promotion!

C: Who cares? It’s been such a lovely 10 years. Husband has been so quiet since the accident. Lovely, lovely husband. So calm, so brooding, so totally, totally silent. Aside from the buzzing of all those flies, of course, but nobody’s perfect.

CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve finished the test! Pat yourself on the back! Now the thighs. No, no, leave your hands there. Rub your legs a little. Higher. Higher.

DISGUSTING.

So, did you hold onto your man like a desperate survivor trying not to be sucked from the gaping hole of an airplane? Or did he leave, just as everyone will eventually leave you?

EVERY ‘A’ ANSWER: 0 POINTS

EVERY ‘B’ ANSWER: 3 POINTS

EVERY ‘C’ ANSWER: 5 POINTS

IF YOU SCORED 0 POINTS:

You trusted him, you let him make his choices, you gave him the benefit of the doubt. What do you think this is, real life? Now he’s run off with your whore sister and you have to become a lesbian. I hope all that “trust” and “sanity” will keep you warm at night, ’cause you can’t hold onto a man longer than a 5 minute subway handjob.

IF YOU SCORED 1-29 POINTS:

Not bad, but also not not bad. Yeah, you can hold onto your boo a little while, but sooner or later he’s off with his psychotherapist, or having anonymous sex with other men whilst dressed as an extra from Avatar. At least you’ll make sure to have your revenge – whether it’s poison spiders in his swim goggles or powdered glass in his mouthwash, you can really make him regret leaving you. Or meeting you. Who cares?

If you scored 30 points:

You are truly the guru of love. Knowing full well that a crushed and broken bird in the hand is worth two happy and contented birds in the bush, you’ll make sure your husband won’t even think about leaving you, not even for a second.

Because he has no thoughts.

Because you fed him datura.

That doesn’t matter – a blank stare and happy drooling face are all you need to come home to in the evening.

Just try to make sure he doesn’t swallow his tongue.

- Relationshipexpertfern

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Straight Red’s Absolutely Hetero Guide to Shopping (For Real Men)

Word up, fellow normalsexuals! It is I, avowed misogynist womanizer Straight Red: lady expert, film critic, and hero of Russia - finally back from Utah’s most controversial ‘gay cure’ clinic. “But Straight Red!” I hear you cry, “You’re the handsomest and least same-sex attracted man I’ve ever seen! Why would you need to go to an ex-gay centre filled with handsome guys you had absolutely now attraction towards and certainly never had secret sex with late at night when the clinic’s supervisors weren’t watching?”

Now don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely no fantasies about kissing attractive older men ever so gently on the lips before pulling off his shirt and having rough, filthy homogay sex in the erotica section of a public library. I’m simply so straight I was worried about looping back round to gay.

Not that I ever have to worry about that.

Now I don’t have a girlfriend, being the one-night stud that I am, so upon my return I found that I had run out of food, clothing, and sexy lady magazines that I buy and then look at and am aroused by, especially the breasts and fabulous make-up. This meant shopping. I know, I know – shopping is for ladies, and cute gay men with their dangerous flirtatious glances THAT WILL NEVER WORK SO MOVE THOSE SEXY LEGS AWAY FROM ME, NANCY BOY. So in order to help my fellow menfolk, I give to you:

Straight Red’s Absolutely Hetero Guide to Shopping (For Real Men)

FOOD SHOPPING

Now women make this look easy – but for us guys, who are used to hunting and killing our own food in public parks, it can be a little trickier. First, you need to master your manly swagger whilst pushing a supermarket trolley with a broken wheel. Sadly this cannot be taught. Second, you need to direct it to the right foods.

That’s right – meat. There should be two things in your trolley, and that’s meat and beer. Eating meat proves that you are manly, and drinking beer drives away any potentially misleading thoughts you may have about that guy at the gym who keeps glancing at you and then looking away when you actually try to make eye contact (RUDE).

But wait! Of course it’s not as simple as simply buying meat. Some meats are secretly the meats of ladies and gays, and are trying to trick you into alternative lifestyle choices. The following meats are Straight Red Certified Acceptable Man Meats:

Cow
Venison
Ox
Buffalo
Elephant
Sloth
Tiger
Dairylea Lunchables

When you get to the checkout, make sure to flirt with the checkout lady (DO NOT USE A CHECKOUT WITH A MALE ATTENDEE. IF THERE ARE NO CHECKOUTS WITH FEMALE STAFF, SIMPLY STAND IN THE CENTRE OF THE SUPERMARKET WINKING AT WOMEN UNTIL ONE BECOMES AVAILABLE).

SHOPPING FOR MAN SUPPLIES

We all need to buy razors, protein shakes, and super-soft toilet paper. Simple, right?

Wrong! Gay wrong! Places that sell said items are also places you’re most likely to get sprayed with perfume by overzealous cosmetics staff – and trust me, if a single particle of Paris Hilton’s Dazzle comes into contact with your skin, you’re doomed to a life of cohabiting with another man, living contentedly and openly with absolutely no need to write an unending amount of articles proving how you belong to the other side of an illusory binary of sexual orientation before crying yourself to sleep at night.

Sick.

CLOTHES SHOPPING

I saved the most difficult for last, because clothes shopping is the greatest threat your incalculably non-homosexual manhood will ever face. 90% of gays were made gay by clothes shopping (the other 10% by making out with their best friend in high school as an experiment that no-one should ever talk about or remember even for a second). But don’t worry, Straight Red is here to hold your hand (if you’re a woman, or feminine enough to look like one).

RULE NUMBER ONE: KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED AT ALL TIMES. IF YOU LOOK AT FASHION YOU WILL LEARN ABOUT FASHION, AND BY THEN IT IS TOO LATE.

Now, make sure to only choose masculine clothes shops – if they sell accessories, or have a women’s department, or the staff aren’t muscular men in tight white vests which barely cover their bodies – go elsewhere.

But once you’re in the manliest shop you can find, what do you buy? First up, remember the three second rule: only non-red-blooded-heterosexuals spend more than three seconds deciding if they want to buy an item of clothing. So think fast! Second, never choose anything that fits. Third, the more you look like a private detective, the safer you are.

Couldn’t be straighter.

So there we are, fellow testosterites! With shopping this manly, soon your parents will stop the frantic phone calls telling you to “be true to yourself” and “stop living a lie, why did you go to a gay conversion camp? We love you however you are! Please stop torturing yourself!”

P’shaw! Parents, Amiright?

- Straightfern

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A SOCIOPATH’S GUIDE TO FIRST AID

We’ve all been there: you’re walking down the street, shouting at children and generally minding your own business, when you stumble upon some inconsiderate layabout lying in the street, selfishly spilling their filthy blood all over the pavement.

“Look at me, look at me, I’m wearing an orange jacket!” Arsehole.

Normally I would simply ignore such rudeness, but I have recently been informed that stepping over someone “in need of medical assistance” and taking their wallet as an inconveniency payment can get one into trouble with the law.

The times we live in!

So in order to help my fellow man, here is

A Sociopath’s Guide to First Aid

STEP ONE: ASSESS SOCIAL WORTH

An accident can happen to anyone: rich or poor, handsome or ugly, old or young – which is why it is especially important to note all the social clues from the unconscious person in front of you. Do they have a gold watch or other expensive jewelry? Does it look as though they visit the dentist regularly? Are they wearing an Armani suit, or a dress made from old plastic bags?

Remember the three ‘A’s:

ASSESS, then

ASSIST, or

AH, THEY LOOK LIKE THEY REGULARLY EAT AT MCDONALD’S, I’LL JUST LEAVE THEM SOME COUGH SWEETS AND BE ON MY WAY

 

STEP TWO: ATTEMPT TO WAKE THE PERSON

Perhaps they aren’t injured at all, but are simply having a floor rest in the middle of a crowded shopping mall? First we need to try and wake them. Remember, waking a sleeping person can be extremely dangerous, so make sure to use the tip of your boot, or better yet, a stick or cane of some kind. This is easily remembered with the following child-like rhyme:

Does the man on the ground look sick?

Try to wake them – kick or stick!

Should the person angrily wake during this procedure and thus present themselves as a physical threat, you are legally entitled to use your taser and/or pepper spray. Otherwise, continue to the next step.

 

STEP THREE: YOGA

Yoga is an important step toward bodily awareness and middle-class spiritual enlightenment. It is also extremely good for your health! Perhaps the person lying before you with blood oozing from their leg simply hasn’t been doing enough yoga?

First, place your hands on their hips, then pull them up into a ‘downward dog’

Second, work your way through every yoga position, until the person seems healthy and spiritually ‘warm’

 

 

STEP FOUR: PANIC

Did the yoga not help? Oh god, then nothing will help! Can the family sue you? Their neck certainly bent at an odd angle when you tried to put them into the ‘uttanasa’ position, but their chakras seemed perfectly aligned! Oh Jesus, is that a policeman?

HIDE THE EVIDENCE

 

STEP FIVE: HIDE THE EVIDENCE

REMEMBER THE EIGHT ‘C’s:

Cry a little bit.

Cover the person with a sheet.

Concentrate on something else, maybe something funny.

Call ‘hello’ to any passers-by, in as friendly and natural a manner as possible.

Crime. What you are doing is a crime.

Could that police officer suspect something?

Carry a firearm. Always carry a firearm.

Cleanse the room of witnesses.

 

STEP SIX

Forget.

Forget forget forget.

So there we have it! All set and ready to save lives! Join us next month when we show you how to successfully ignore house fires!

Till then, fellow do-gooders!

- Yogafern

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VEGE-GOGGLES

Now I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m a beautiful, sexy vegetarian. And I really don’t care what other people eat – if you want to stuff your mouth with some prime tarantulas or fried baby ducklings, then be my guest. After all, we all have our own codes and principles.

BUT (and I wouldn’t be a budding totalitarian dictator without a ‘but’) sometimes, when outside our traditional comfort zone of the very centre of major cities, the Vegetarian finds his food sources to be scarce. When in the “suburbs” or “frighteningly homophobic rural areas”, what starts as an evening out with friends can turn into a desperate struggle for survival.

In order to help our meat-eating friends know our terrible predicaments I have developed the “Vege-Goggles” app, which allows anyone to see the world through the eyes of a vegetarian. Screenshots* below.

*(terrible MSPaint mockups because I have a serious problem when it comes to antiquated Microsoft programs)

Vege-Goggles (in beta)

Image 1: Specials board of mushroom risotto STUFFED WITH BACON WHAT THE FUCK

 

Image 2: Don’t say anything don’t say anything, everyone will think you’re just being difficult and I don’t really know these guys so well and I want them to like me… what’s that? The fries only come with a serving of tuna? Well OK, that’s fine I guess, I’m not one of those ‘fussy’ vegetarians, I’m one of you guys. Please like me.

 

 

Image 3: I’ll take three of everything, that should be the size of a normal meal. Can I only pay in cash or do you accept furious tears?

 

Image 4: I guess I’ll take the Beef Wellington without the beef. Can’t get enough of that SWEET, EXPENSIVE FUCKING AIR

 

Image 5: SO FUCKING HUNGRY

 

Image  6: Finally, here’s a image of the app incorporating Google Street view (CANNOT BE TURNED OFF)

The app will be available for permanent download via the App Store and Google Play, and comes free with a never-ending loop of children’s nursery rhymes sung at one third the normal speed.

WARNING: THIS APP IS NOT COMPATIBLE WITH WELL-FUNCTIONING MENTAL HEALTH

Coming soon: Gay-gles – the app which emits a klaxon whenever you see heterosexual privilege! Comes with free earblood mop-up kit!

- Entreprefern

 

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