CAN YOU KEEP YOUR MAN?

Straight Red’s Absolutely Hetero Guid... PERFECTLY “SAFE” SCENTED CANDLES FROM...

CAN YOU KEEP YOUR MAN?

I’m tired of magazines like Cosmopolitan and Bella hogging all the troubling relationship advice. After all, I have interacted with human people on many occasions, and I definitely touched fingers with the postman once. Plus, I’ve been using medical waste bins as an all-you-can-eat buffet, so I’m pretty sure I’m in the right headspace to rival the writings of these fine, women-in-weird-poses-fronted publications.

(This is how I stand when waiting for the bus, or a sex client)

And if there’s one thing I know best, it’s how to stop people from running away at any cost.

Any. Cost.

With that I give you:

CAN YOU KEEP YOUR MAN? THE QUIZ!

Q1: After weeks of asking and delivering thinly-veiled physical threats against his retro video games collection, your husband has finally taken you out for a romantic meal! You’re so excited – the glitz, the glamour, the angry waiter with the troubling “racial” tattoos…

But no! Just as you take a seat that impotent sack of shit is ogling some other woman’s behind! What do you do?

A: Bring the conversation ’round to something serious – like his aunt suffering from cancer.

B: Lighten the mood and make a joke! Make it dark! Unreasonably dark! Hey, isn’t his favourite aunt dying of cancer?

C: Cut out his sleazy eyes.

Q2: It’s your 30th birthday! Things are going great – your friends and family are celebrating with you, and you’ve kept the drunken sobbing to an absolute minimum.

But wait, what’s that sound? Uh-oh, it’s your biological clock ticking!

Your husband says he needs to talk about having kids first – BUT THERE’S NO TIME. You need to do something fast – menopause could hit any second!

A: What? That’s ridiculous, you have plenty of time before menopause, and who says you even want kids? Your lifetime collection of old Happy Meal toys is more than you can handle.

B: Steal a dog as practice. Once he’s fallen in love with the dog, kill it and tell him a child will be even better. Promise not to kill the child.

c: You don’t need his permission, just his sperm! C’mon, he leaves that stuff everywhere – the sheets, the curtains, your sister’s hair. Go grab some of that boy paste!

Q3: Your husband is in the hospital after imbibing all those “vitamins” you put in his coffee every morning (oh please, if you’re not prepared to tranquilize your spouse to keep them faithful you have no business being married). The doctors say his health insurance expired and treatment is expensive – plus, if he survives he will need constant care. And you have a manicure appointment this afternoon!

(Ain’t nobody got time for that)

A: Oh no! What were you thinking? You’ll help him, whatever it takes – even if it means selling your Beenie Baby collection before they finally appreciate in value.

B: WWRCJLD? What Would Romantic Comedy Jennifer Lopez Do? Go watch all her films. Drink vodka. Forget.

C: He’s in a coma just because he swallowed a half-years’ supply of horse tranquilizers? Dump that zero and get into gear-o! Spend the hospital money on a singles cruise! Find a man with a less poisonable stomach!

Q4: Your husband has been flicking through the wrong television channels and now claims to have found God. He wants to take you to church on Sunday.

Sunday? You mean All-You-Can-Drink-Cocktail-Brunch-Pretending-You’re-Waiting-For-Friends-To-Show-Up Day? Unless Jesus’ blood is made from mojitos this is bad. Very bad.

A: Come on! It might not be your thing, but everyone has their own hobbies! He has God, you have cryvomiting in the dark after eating a dozen cream eggs. Encourage him!

B: Distract him! Does he want spirituality, or a fancy set of golf clubs you stole from that elderly businessman?

C: YOU ARE HIS GOD.

BURN DOWN THE CHURCH.

Q5: It’s been a few years now and your sex life has grown a little… sluggish. Like a fat, soft slug that only gets hard when Golden Girls re-runs come on TV. It’s time to spice things up! But how?

A: What? I’m not insecure enough to take sex advice from a jaded lifestyle magazine. I’m happy for my husband to leave me because I’m too foolish to follow amazing marriage-saving advice.

B: Go kinky! Get some handcuffs, chain him up. Leave him there until he’s over his sick Bea Arthur fetish.

C: Be wild! Tickle him with a feather duster. Shoot his kneecaps. Rub ice cubes on his nipples. Rub sandpaper on his eyelids. Bit his lips. Bite his balls. Bite them off. Force them from your mouth into his. Put a pillow on his face to shut him up. Destroy the evidence.

Q6: Congratulations! Your 10 year anniversary is coming up! Sure you’ve had your ups and downs – he had an affair with his secretary, you murdered his secretary – but you’ve stuck together through it all. Come rain or shine or city-leveling hurricanes, you still love each other. So how to celebrate?

A: Keep it simple. How about an awkward meal in an above-average-price restaurant during which you can slowly realise you no longer have anything in common and maybe never did?

B: It’s a special occasion, so splash out on that round-the-world cruise! Sure, you can only afford the ticket for yourself, but that’s his fault for getting sick on horse tranquilizers and missing that promotion!

C: Who cares? It’s been such a lovely 10 years. Husband has been so quiet since the accident. Lovely, lovely husband. So calm, so brooding, so totally, totally silent. Aside from the buzzing of all those flies, of course, but nobody’s perfect.

CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve finished the test! Pat yourself on the back! Now the thighs. No, no, leave your hands there. Rub your legs a little. Higher. Higher.

DISGUSTING.

So, did you hold onto your man like a desperate survivor trying not to be sucked from the gaping hole of an airplane? Or did he leave, just as everyone will eventually leave you?

EVERY ‘A’ ANSWER: 0 POINTS

EVERY ‘B’ ANSWER: 3 POINTS

EVERY ‘C’ ANSWER: 5 POINTS

IF YOU SCORED 0 POINTS:

You trusted him, you let him make his choices, you gave him the benefit of the doubt. What do you think this is, real life? Now he’s run off with your whore sister and you have to become a lesbian. I hope all that “trust” and “sanity” will keep you warm at night, ’cause you can’t hold onto a man longer than a 5 minute subway handjob.

IF YOU SCORED 1-29 POINTS:

Not bad, but also not not bad. Yeah, you can hold onto your boo a little while, but sooner or later he’s off with his psychotherapist, or having anonymous sex with other men whilst dressed as an extra from Avatar. At least you’ll make sure to have your revenge – whether it’s poison spiders in his swim goggles or powdered glass in his mouthwash, you can really make him regret leaving you. Or meeting you. Who cares?

If you scored 30 points:

You are truly the guru of love. Knowing full well that a crushed and broken bird in the hand is worth two happy and contented birds in the bush, you’ll make sure your husband won’t even think about leaving you, not even for a second.

Because he has no thoughts.

Because you fed him datura.

That doesn’t matter – a blank stare and happy drooling face are all you need to come home to in the evening.