Straight Red’s Absolutely Hetero Guide to Shopping (For Real Men)

Word up, fellow normalsexuals! It is I, avowed misogynist womanizer Straight Red: lady expert, film critic, and hero of Russia - finally back from Utah’s most controversial ‘gay cure’ clinic. “But Straight Red!” I hear you cry, “You’re the handsomest and least same-sex attracted man I’ve ever seen! Why would you need to go to an ex-gay centre filled with handsome guys you had absolutely now attraction towards and certainly never had secret sex with late at night when the clinic’s supervisors weren’t watching?”

Now don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely no fantasies about kissing attractive older men ever so gently on the lips before pulling off his shirt and having rough, filthy homogay sex in the erotica section of a public library. I’m simply so straight I was worried about looping back round to gay.

Not that I ever have to worry about that.

Now I don’t have a girlfriend, being the one-night stud that I am, so upon my return I found that I had run out of food, clothing, and sexy lady magazines that I buy and then look at and am aroused by, especially the breasts and fabulous make-up. This meant shopping. I know, I know – shopping is for ladies, and cute gay men with their dangerous flirtatious glances THAT WILL NEVER WORK SO MOVE THOSE SEXY LEGS AWAY FROM ME, NANCY BOY. So in order to help my fellow menfolk, I give to you:

Straight Red’s Absolutely Hetero Guide to Shopping (For Real Men)

FOOD SHOPPING

Now women make this look easy – but for us guys, who are used to hunting and killing our own food in public parks, it can be a little trickier. First, you need to master your manly swagger whilst pushing a supermarket trolley with a broken wheel. Sadly this cannot be taught. Second, you need to direct it to the right foods.

That’s right – meat. There should be two things in your trolley, and that’s meat and beer. Eating meat proves that you are manly, and drinking beer drives away any potentially misleading thoughts you may have about that guy at the gym who keeps glancing at you and then looking away when you actually try to make eye contact (RUDE).

But wait! Of course it’s not as simple as simply buying meat. Some meats are secretly the meats of ladies and gays, and are trying to trick you into alternative lifestyle choices. The following meats are Straight Red Certified Acceptable Man Meats:

Cow
Venison
Ox
Buffalo
Elephant
Sloth
Tiger
Dairylea Lunchables

When you get to the checkout, make sure to flirt with the checkout lady (DO NOT USE A CHECKOUT WITH A MALE ATTENDEE. IF THERE ARE NO CHECKOUTS WITH FEMALE STAFF, SIMPLY STAND IN THE CENTRE OF THE SUPERMARKET WINKING AT WOMEN UNTIL ONE BECOMES AVAILABLE).

SHOPPING FOR MAN SUPPLIES

We all need to buy razors, protein shakes, and super-soft toilet paper. Simple, right?

Wrong! Gay wrong! Places that sell said items are also places you’re most likely to get sprayed with perfume by overzealous cosmetics staff – and trust me, if a single particle of Paris Hilton’s Dazzle comes into contact with your skin, you’re doomed to a life of cohabiting with another man, living contentedly and openly with absolutely no need to write an unending amount of articles proving how you belong to the other side of an illusory binary of sexual orientation before crying yourself to sleep at night.

Sick.

CLOTHES SHOPPING

I saved the most difficult for last, because clothes shopping is the greatest threat your incalculably non-homosexual manhood will ever face. 90% of gays were made gay by clothes shopping (the other 10% by making out with their best friend in high school as an experiment that no-one should ever talk about or remember even for a second). But don’t worry, Straight Red is here to hold your hand (if you’re a woman, or feminine enough to look like one).

RULE NUMBER ONE: KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED AT ALL TIMES. IF YOU LOOK AT FASHION YOU WILL LEARN ABOUT FASHION, AND BY THEN IT IS TOO LATE.

Now, make sure to only choose masculine clothes shops – if they sell accessories, or have a women’s department, or the staff aren’t muscular men in tight white vests which barely cover their bodies – go elsewhere.

But once you’re in the manliest shop you can find, what do you buy? First up, remember the three second rule: only non-red-blooded-heterosexuals spend more than three seconds deciding if they want to buy an item of clothing. So think fast! Second, never choose anything that fits. Third, the more you look like a private detective, the safer you are.

Couldn’t be straighter.

So there we are, fellow testosterites! With shopping this manly, soon your parents will stop the frantic phone calls telling you to “be true to yourself” and “stop living a lie, why did you go to a gay conversion camp? We love you however you are! Please stop torturing yourself!”

P’shaw! Parents, Amiright?

- Straightfern

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