HOW TO NOT GET ARRESTED THIS XMAS
Greetings happy housewives and househusbands! Welcome back to Housespouse Corner, where we help turn tears into treasures and empty gin bottles into elegant centerpieces! Or we would, if you hadn’t thrown it at the wall when your ex called by with the divorce papers! You certainly scared him!
Now, normally we at Housespouse Corner don’t celebrate Christmas, or any holiday that could potentially cause a mess in our lovely clean kitchens – however, we’ve received a special request this year to do a seasonal themed episode. As so many of our carefully-crafted plans for elegant cocktail parties and stunning gardens seem to result in police intervention, we bring you
HOUSESPOUSE CORNER:
HOW TO NOT GET ARRESTED THIS XMAS
Step One
Get out of bed. It’s Christmas, so let’s leap into the day filled with festive cheer and seasonal joy!
Step Two
Fail at getting out of bed. Lie beneath the filthy sheets mentally going over all the mistakes you made in your life.
Step Three
Lure yourself out of bed with a special breakfast of home-made Christmas Baileys. What could be better than a creamy Yule drink? You will need:
Milk (back of the fridge; expired)
Alcohol (window cleaner the neighbours sent you in a passive-aggressive attempt to get you to improve the state of your property)
Mixing spoon/fingers
Lovely! For a little Xtra Xmas Spirit, why not sprinkle some Shake-N-Vac on top? Pretend it’s snow! Beautiful heavily-perfumed snow!
Step Four
Vomit/black out
Step Five
Lie on the kitchen floor dreaming of being surrounded by friends and loved ones this holiday season.
Step Six
Wait, it’s not too late! It’s never too late to make new loved ones! You just need to find the right gifts. The right gifts will bring you love!
Step Seven
First you need to go outside. This means getting dressed. Now, every good housespouse knows how important it is to have the perfect outfit for the holiday season – that’s right, goodbye filthy sweatpants!
And hello Christmas fashion sensation! For this year’s spectacle you will need:
Sewing kit (unused)
The glitter the children left behind when they were dragged away by that awful social services lady you’ve since been following around with a knife
12 sheets of wrapping paper (neighbour’s recycling bin)
Sticky tape
Modelling glue
Step Eight
First, dab just a little modelling glue under each nostril to give you that extra “Christmas boost”. Next, cover your naked, shameful body with the wrapping paper, carefully taping it into place with the sticky tape.
Step Nine
Sure, why not also make yourself an authentic Christmas beard with the modelling glue? ‘Tis the season!
Step Ten
Step Eleven
Wake up. Apply glitter to face to look like a real angel! Don’t get it in your eyes. DON’T GET IT IN -
Step Twelve
Emergency room.
Step Thirteen
Well, now that you’re up and about you may as well start shopping for presents! Don’t worry about that doctor’s instructions to ‘not leave the hospital bed’ or ‘under no circumstances remove the eye patches’. What’s ‘corneal tearing’ anyway? Sounds like some new-age mumbo jumbo to me!
Well, you may have lost your lovely yuletide outfit, but at least you’re now wearing a gleaming white medical gown! That’s xmassy, right? And look on the bright side: even the hospital was unable to remove all that glitter from your face!
Step Fourteen
Wander into the street. Don’t worry about the looks those strangers are giving you – they’re simply overawed by what can only be described as a Christmas miracle walking toward them!
But what to do now? You don’t have any money for presents!
Step Fifteen
When in doubt, the best homekeepers simply turn to their own crafting skills. What can be better than something home-made?
To catch the Christmas present that’s going to bring love back into your life, you’re going to need to hand-craft a special Solstice trap. You will need:
Barbed wire (wall behind the off-license)
Meat (bins behind McDonald’s)
Why not add some sprigs of holly to give it that extra little dash of cheer?
Once the Christmas trap is complete, bring it to the dog park.
Step Sixteen
You did it! You caught a cute little Christmas Rottweiler! Sure, he looks a little angry right now, but he’ll be filled with holiday cheer once you remove the barbed wire!
Step Seventeen
No, this can’t be your dog. This dog is mine.
Step Eighteen
NO. NO, YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM. HE’S GOING TO BRING ME FESTIVE JOY
Step Nineteen
Who are you calling? No! Not again!
Step Twenty
Run. Leave the dog, they’re not going to catch you this time! Help me, Christmas angels!
Step Twenty-One
Fuck. Well, at least this time the police have put some lovely glittering tinsel on the wall. And hey, you’re not alone – your cellmate is here! Whispering Christmas threats! Stroking your hair!
So there we have it, a lovely, peaceful holiday celebration. Join us next time when we’ll be writing new year’s resolutions in permanent marker over pictures of your former family!
‘Till then Merry Housespouses!
- Yulefern
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