Redfern Jon Barrett's Blog, page 6

The 62 Most Popular Baby Names for 2030

Now I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t understand babies. They’re loud, they’re smelly, and they’re sub-par at handling the most basic of firearms.

USELESS.

In fact, I’m pretty sure the only reason people have babies is so they get to name something, a name that something will have to live with for the rest of its life. Though many countries restrict the ability of parents to name their baby ‘Colonel Barabbas 9/11’, thankfully lands which speak the language of Queen Shakespeare generally allow you to fuck with your child’s future as much as you want.

Now, you may remember that  Also, I hope that someday there will be a law forcing every baby to be named ‘Redfern’ (it’s important to have ambitions). But we don’t think much about the history of baby names, and what they can tell us about society. For example, 1900s Protestantism gave us delights such as ‘Temperance’, ‘Chastity’, and ‘SayNoToSuffrage’, whereas 1930s Germany gave us ‘CENSORED’, ‘VERY CENSORED’, and who could forget the classic ‘CENSORED BY UN RESOLUTION’.

But what about the future? Well, thanks to my time machine (glue, a carrier bag, and a Cher album played backwards and at half the normal speed) I have determined the most popular baby names of 2030, that we may learn what the future has in store. “Enjoy”.

The 62 Most Popular Baby Names for 2030

62. Brian

61. Barbie

60. Cissabelle

59. Kim Jong Un

58. Susan

57. Princess

56. Zippora

55. Erik

54. Burning

53. Radiation

52. Poisonsoil

51. Steve

50. Help

49. Ted

48. Tedx

47. Sherlock

46.Tim

45. Rocky

44. XXX

43. Militia

42. Princessabelle

41. Borg

40. Celebrity

39. Sonic

38. Peter

37. Water

36. Weneedwater

35. Thirst

34. Scorch

33. Winnie

32. Temperence

31. Diamond

30. Pyongyang

29. Wiseau

28. Harry

27. King Bieber

26. Cholera

25. Mirage

24. Gaga

23. Apple(TM)

22. Richard

21. Donaldtrump

20. Prinbarbiebelle

19. Cocaine

18. Stripteasia

17. King Jong Il

 

16. Smog

15. Facemask

14. Asthma

13. Choke

12. Stuart

11. Pleasehelp

10. Cain

9. Georgia

8. Juche

7. Kim Il-Sung

6. Surrender

5. Annexed

4. Occupation

3. Supremeleader

2. Worldcult

1. Redfern

So there we have it! Join us next month when I’ll breaking into birth records offices and writing my own name on all the certificates!

Until then, baby-namers!

Redfernfern

The post appeared first on redjon.com.

Straight Red’s Guaranteed Pick-Up Lines

No-one is better at dating than my ultra-heterosexual alter-ego, Straight Red – who, in his own words, is “absolutely surrounded by human females”. According to himself, Straight Red dates so many women that he often needs to spend hours, even days, wrestling with other men just to replenish his own masculinity (naked, just as they did in mega-manly ancient Greece).

“Covering yourself in another man’s sweat is a great way to keep those testosterone levels up,” he insists, a faraway look to his eye.

“Testosterone,” he repeats, slamming his rugged fist against the table. Sometimes he even needs to picture these manly touching sessions during romantic liaisons, just to remind him how he will only ever touch another man’s naked body for the sake of sports, and would never do so out of a deeply repressed lust only contained via a worrying degree of self-loathing and total denial.

Straight Red is so not gay that he’s never even heard of gay people.

(All women immediately fall unto an uncomfortable embrace upon seeing Straight Red)

“But Straight Red!” he hears you cry, “How could we ever have heterosexual intercourse as often as you do in your mind?” Well not to worry, because Straight Red is here to provide you with fail-proof pick up lines. Just spouting any one of these is enough to woo the nunniest of nuns. Taking us to a drinking establishment called “ManBox”, he promises to tell us everything he knows.

“The key to winning a woman’s heart isn’t emotional compatibility or fascinating discussion on subjects you have in common,” Straight Red insists, waving a pornographic magazine above his head, “It’s a single well-delivered line from a total stranger in a dimly lit area.”

Straight Red’s Guaranteed Pick-Up Lines
“You must be an eye chart, ’cause I’ve been staring at you all night.”

After swapping hello kisses with the male bartender, Straight Red seems to remember we’re here and looks vaguely startled. “I don’t know him in any way whatsoever.” He regains his composure, pretending not to notice the bartender’s wink. “Ultimately women want to feel wanted, and are comforted by the thought of someone they don’t know staring at them for long periods of time.”

Still pretending not to see the bartender despite him running his fingers through Straight Red’s hair, our paragon of heterosexual manhood continues, “Staring at women shows that you absolutely want to make sex with them, and not with men. Haha! What am I saying? I’ve never even heard of men having sex with other men. That doesn’t even sound possible.”

Whispering something in the shirtless barman’s ear, he then ushers us to the rear of the premises, failing to acknowledge the half-dozen men who wave at him along the way.

 

“Your skin looks grey in this light.”

“Women love compliments, but they love insults even more,” Straight Red explains, pausing to make eye contact with a man dressed only in chaps and a cowboy hat. “This isn’t the misogynist ranting of someone who deeply fears confronting his own sexual preferences,” he adds. “It’s science.”

“Also, I should buy that man a drink. Male bonding is very important.”

“Science.”

 

“If you were my mother, I would have turned out better.”

Wrapping one arm around a male friend in a manly cuddle, Straight Red explains that, having talked to literally tens of women over his lifetime, they all have one thing in common: the need to reproduce. “Reminding a woman of pregnancy is a sure-fire way to bring her into your bed. Who doesn’t want to have a child with someone they barely know and whom they suspect may have severe Freudian complexes?”

Sadly Straight Red was unable to clarify further, his whole attention focused on “practice kissing” his new male friend.

 

“I want to be with you forever.”

“Women like commitment,” Straight Red slurs, having just come from pounding tequila shots off a go-go boy’s navel. “They want to know that after the initial sexual encounter, you’re going to be there for the rest of their lives. Even though you called them ‘Tim’ and started sobbing in the middle of it.”

“I like women,” he repeated several times, never breaking eye contact.

 

“Are you an angel? Because I think I might have alcohol poisoning.”

Straight Red lies on the floor in a pool of his own stomach contents, attempting to grab the ankles of passing strangers.

 

“Murghnnn Hurrr. Gurrggh burrh not gay muhnnnhurrr.”

Now with a small crowd of worried men gathered around him, Straight Red’s advice seems to have enticed the attention of the entire bar. A few of the men part to let a female paramedic through. As the unimpressed woman loads Straight Red onto a stretcher, an oxygen mask on his face and dried bile in his hair, he manages to give us a thumbs-up.

“Drrrrrugh luhh hurrrrr. Frrr mnnnagh gruhhhh hurrrrr.”

With his latest catch wheeling him out the door, we wave goodbye to the world’s straightiest man and his legendary prowess. Join us next time when Straight Red will give us slow-motion demonstrations of all his wrestling moves.

Until then, paragons of male heterosexuality!

- Heterofern

If you liked this post, check out Redfern’s comedy novel ‘The Giddy Death of the Gays & the Strange Demise of Straights’, available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Lethe Press and in stores.

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How To Be a “Real” “Writer” This “Summer”, Plus More Summer News!

How To Be a “Real” “Writer” This “Summer”:

Ah, summer. Lovers frolicking barefoot through the abandoned needle-strewn streets; furious, disowned dogs chasing children through the underfunded wilderness of once-proud public parks; the delightful bikini top worn by the strange man who waits for you outside your front door. Yet you won’t be witness to any of these delightful sun-month traditions. You’re a writer now, and that means dedication, isolation, and total darkness.

Close the blinds. Don’t let the shameless, sinful lure of the sun’s flirty rays distract you from your goal of endlessly working without having to deal with distractions like fun or human conversation.
Get rid of all timepieces. You need to be working off your “Writer’s Clock”, not running from the same schedule as the healthy, contented world outside. Trapped by yourself in total darkness, concepts like “day”, “night”, and “sleep” will lose all meaning.
Anything you write must be completed in a single session. Though this might sound tricky for a 90,000 word novel, there are plenty of writing tools available. These include “writer’s snuff” (amphetamines), “writer’s sherbet” (amphetamines), and a nice cup of “Furious Joe” (coffee and amphetamines). Remember, if it takes longer than 16 consecutive hours, it isn’t a masterpiece.
When it comes to language, be creative! Writing in a single language you can actually speak is yesterday’s trend. For the fiction of tomorrow, make sure it’s in as many tongues as possible. Fill in the blanks in your knowledge with make-believe. Is that word real Tagolog? It is if you believe hard enough!
So you’ve created your summer masterpiece, in 314 different “languages” – now you’re ready to get it published! There are plenty of “conventional” guides on contacting publishers available, but to really stand out from the crowd you’re going to need a megaphone, eighteen balloonsworth of helium, and a total disregard for public noise pollution ordinances. In order to reach hearing range of your dream publisher, you’re going to have to go outside. Make sure to protect your precious skin from the sun’s deadly rays using a “writer’s shroud” (king size Dora the Explorer bedsheet).
Congratulations! You’ve either stumbled into traffic and are lying mangled beneath the wheels of a heavy goods vehicle, your shattered frame held together with nothing more than a child’s bedspread, or, less likely, you’re actually a published author! But no time to waste – just a quick trip to the more isolated section of the park for some more “writing fuel” (gasoline and amphetamines) and it’s time to return to the darkness to write your next bestseller!

[INSERT AWKWARD SEGUE HERE: "speaking of stalking secluded sections of a public park whilst wrapped in children's bedding..."/"speaking of huffing gasoline and drugs in a public park whilst wrapped in children's bedding..."/"speaking of the darkness..."]

… there have been some exciting developments over the past Summermonth.

My novel Forget Yourself is being reprinted by Lethe Press, scheduled for release in 2016!  

Lethe have done an excellent job with The Giddy Death of the Gays & the Strange Demise of Straights, and I’m delighted to be working with them again.

 

The Giddy Death of the Gays & the Strange Demise of Straights  has received more positive reviews from Lambda Literary and Out In Print, and has been featured on the front page of Audible’s summer sale. It is also in the running for the Bisexual Fiction category of the Lambda Literary Awards.

“An oddball and one-of-a-kind romantic comedy” – Lambda Literary

“Is The Giddy Death of Gays & the Strange Demise of Straights a manifesto for polyamory and gender fluidity, or a quirky, well-conceived, interesting and optimistic read? Yes. And after you read it I promise you’ll want to talk about it with your friends, which may be the greatest endorsement of any novel.” - Out in Print

 

I angered homophobic Independent journalist Ruth Dudley  

She’s so furious at my proposal that human beings be treated with a modicum of equality and respect that she’s put my qualifications in quotation marks. “Thank you” “journalist” “Ruth Dudley”. Also, right-wing Christians continue to be horrifurious at me.

 

A political chart I made using the glorious MSPaint has gone viral on The Facebook  

Currently shared almost 1500 times, the chart details the linear political spectrum:

 

I turned 31, which is the least exciting age to turn  

So that’s it for now! Remember, summer is all fun and games until someone gets hit by a beachball at a rooftop “beach party” and plummets 37 stories only to shatter the pavement in front of a horrified busfull of visiting French schoolchildren.

Summer is dangerous. Hide indoors until the frozen safety of winter.

- Summerfunfern

The post How To Be a “Real” “Writer” This “Summer”, Plus More Summer News! appeared first on redjon.com.

News Summer 2015

Hurrah, it’s another of those posts where I post about things which have actually happened rather than simply happened in my own mind and potentially on some other plane of existence.

Things that happened:

My novel The Giddy Death of the Gays & the Strange Demise of Straights has been released by Lethe Press Now available as an ebook, paperback, and audiobook from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Lethe Press (among others). It’s also available in local bookstores.


The novel has received positive reviews on Amazon, Audible, and Goodreads, and even from Kikus Reviews and The American Library Association  

“Barrett is a talented writer with a good feel for his rough-edged Welsh social setting and a sharp but sympathetic eye for the mores and foibles of the queer demimonde and its supporting culture of politically correct progressivism … a smart, entertaining read.” - Kirkus

“Redfern Jon Barrett’s second novel is a fantastic ride through the lives of these Swansea residents … an entertaining and engaging read.” - ALA
My short story ’The Other Woman’ was published in QueerStories 

‘The Other Woman’ follows Rachel as she grapples with her wife’s infidelity, and the possibility of reshaping their marriage.


Interviews with me have been featured on Bridge To Story and Poly Role Models 

The Bridge To Story piece focuses on writing and can be found here.Poly Role Models details the relationship between myself and my two partners, and includes a mention of my novel. I can be read here.


The first issue of Mouthfeel Magazine, which includes an article I wrote on queer eating in Berlin, has received a lot of press, and sold out 

My article can be read at Mouthfeel’s website.


I am now working with Guernica Magazine as a fiction reader 

Which I’m really excited about.

So that’s it for this month. As a special NOT EXCITING bonus, I include a picture of my desk, where I spend 23 hours of each day. Until next time!

- Busyfern

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Circumstances in Which Jesus May Not, In Fact, Love You

Now, I’m not one to dictate the likes and dislikes of two thousand-year old historical figures, but I do enjoy it when others enlighten me. Like a teenager in a relationship for the first time Jesus is continually saying that He loves me, usually through manic-eyed people wielding leaflets which tell me the exact opposite.

Ah, but you see, Jesus loves me, he just doesn’t like the things I do. Because of course my inner self and my actions have absolutely no bearing on one another, and it’s not like being queer is an identity or anything.

I’m going to take a moment here to add a disclaimer, because the Gods of Liberal Tolerance are screaming in my ear that I’m being insensitive to Christians, and that I must point out that I have Christian friends and Some of them are even queer. But I’m starting to think there are different Jesuses. There’s the nice Jesus, who feeds the poor and hangs out with sex workers and tax collectors (and even some of my friends), and then there’s the other Jesus. You know the one.

I’m sure the good Jesus loves me, and I afford his followers love and respect in return. But *that* Jesus doesn’t love me. That Jesus probably doesn’t love you. And in honour of the United States Supreme Court decision last Friday and the resultant dooming/fabulousizing of an entire nation, I’ve compiled a list. Just to make sure.

Circumstances in Which Jesus May Not, In Fact, Love You

- You’re a gay (of course)

- You’re a megagay (AKA gay concentrate; undiluted gay)

- You know a gay

- You have seen a gay without hissing

- You have thought about a gay without thought-hissing

- You’ve ever, even for a moment, thought about two men having sex

- You’ve thought about two women having sex for longer than 20 minutes (women-women sex is 70% less Sinful)

- You’re a hypergay (AKA gay isolate; lethal gay)

- You got divorced (He doesn’t just hate gays! In fact, He doesn’t mention them! But He does mention your two failed marriages!)

- A family member has ever considered bisexuality

- You heard the words ‘same-sex marriage’ without screaming ‘ABOMINATION’ at the top of your voice until you pass out

- You’re living in a country where same-sex marriage is legal and didn’t move to a new place every time it happened like a restless homophobic backpacker

- You judged someone for the way they lived their lives (oops! He’s quite specific on that one!)

- You had a Gay Thought and didn’t suppress it by spending 6 hours watching the gloriously ripped manliness of action movie heroes (just like Straight Red does)

- You have ever breathed the same air as an LGB or T person without choking

- You were rich, or traded on a holy day, or made money from organised religion, or failed to forgive someone who wronged you (Oh oh! These ones are actually real!)

- You’re a quantumgay (AKA planet-destroying gay; End of Days Gay; “Homus Apocalyptus”)

- You saw a transsexual person on the news and didn’t cleanse your television with holy water

- The word ‘lesbian’ appeared on your laptop screen and you didn’t re-baptise your laptop in a bathtub of holy water

- Any words pertaining to alternate sexual or gender identity were spoken/transmitted anywhere in your apartment and you didn’t scrub every wall and surface with holy water (in unrelated news, Happy Holy Home Holiest Holy Water is available from Redfern Enterprises – now with fewer chemical burns!)

- You have ever hugged, shaken hands with, or otherwise touched a gay

- You have ever hummed one of the Gay Songs

- You have heard one of the Gay Songs without blessing your ears with battery acid

- You ever argued that in a rational society each individual has responsibility for their own decisions, and that in order to be truly saved one must have the freedom to have chosen to do so

- You have ever looked upon the Teletubbies

- You profited whilst others lived in poverty (how do these keep slipping in here?)

- You ever watched Orange is the New Black

So there we have it: we’re all off to Hell! Join us next month when we’ll be working out if you and Zeus are romantically compatible! And remember:

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

- Guatama Buddha

Wait, that wasn’t funny. Damn it.

- Lovedfern

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Alternative Titles For My Book (Written While Under a Concussion)

So I finally tricked a publisher into publishing my novel, and I’m very happy to announce that The Giddy Death of the Gays & the Strange Demise of Straights is now available to buy as a book, ebook, audiobook, or series of sinister screams coming from a room in your house you had no previous idea existed.

The book is about gays, and straights, but has very little actual death (though it does contain lots of fundamentalists, drag queens, and burning nightclubs–just like a fever dream!)

In order to celebrate this monumentous occasion, here is a list. Because without lists the Internet would just be illegal pornography and tweet-wielding mobs. “Enjoy.”

Alternative Titles For My Book (Written While Under a Concussion)

The Boring Life of the Straights and the Unremarkable Vitality of Gays
Showgirls 2
Like The Godfather But Not About the Mafia Yet Probably Just As Good
Homos!
Not Homos!
I Haven’t Really Seen The Godfather That Was A Lie
The Bible
Queer Theory For Dummies
The Anti-Recipe Cookbook
12 Signs Your Pet Hates You (And Why You Should Hate Him)
Something To Pretend To Read While Spying On Attractive Strangers
Sin: Why You Are Now Spiritually Unclean
Less Depressing Than Trainspotting Despite Being Set In Wales
A Beginner’s Guide to Sinus Surgery



Swansea! A Silent Musical


A Romcom For People Who Hate Romcoms


Heterophobia


Stalked By The Author: How Buying This Book Ruined My Life


Maybe The Godfather Isn’t That Good Anyway, Everyone Said Star Wars Was Good But I Didn’t Really Think So


Adopting Pet Fundamentalists


Temporary Reprieve From Your Awful Life


Political Correctness Gone Mad


Sin 2: You’re Now Even Dirtier and Nothing Can Save You

I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE GAY OR STRAIGHT JUST READ MY FUCKING BOOK
Heather Has Three Mommies

Looks Good on Your Bookshelf

I Would Have No Idea Which Was Which If Someone Showed Me Both The Godfather And The Sopranos

I Liked This Book Before It Was Cool

No Refunds

If you liked the list and would like to read something which in no way resembles it, you can get a copy my “kind of OK” book at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Book Depository, and Lethe Press. Or by breaking into the home or workplace of someone who already bought a copy.

Happy readings!

- Authorfern

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Much News

So it’s been a busy few months, and a very strange past few days. In March I submitted a question to PinkNews on the possibility of polyamorous unions, for their upcoming Q&A with Green Party leader Natalie Bennett. Bennett’s response on May 1st that she was open to discussion on the idea made national news. I’ve been mentioned in the Telegraph, Daily Mail, Buzzfeed, and the Independent.

In response I wrote an article for PinkNews: ’Why polyamorous marriages are the next step to equality’.

There has been a lot of support and opposition, but I’m glad the issue has received attention, and the fact that the possibility of three-way unions is being discussed by politicians and the mainstream media is incredible. In short: yay.

Other News:

The Giddy Death of the Gays and the Strange Demise of Straights is out next month. It now has a Goodreads page, a page on Lethe Press’ site, and has been reviewed by Kirkus, who wrote:

“Barrett is a talented writer with a good feel for his rough-edged Welsh social setting and a sharp but sympathetic eye for the mores and foibles of the queer demimonde and its supporting culture of politically correct progressivism …  a smart, entertaining read.”


I’m going to be working with Guernica Magazine as a fiction reader.
I’m being quoted on the cover of RM Vaughan’s wonderful new book, Bright Eyed: Insomnia and Its Cultures.
My review of Matthew Mather’s Darknet was published with Strange Horizons.
My review of Walter Mosley’s Inside a Silver Box was published with The Future Fire.
My doctoral research on Anna Seward has been referenced on Wikipedia. Hurrah, it’s not just languishing in a university library!
I gave a reading of The Giddy Death at Another Country bookstore, Berlin, for the fantastic ‘Queer Stories’ event.

So that’s it for the past couple of months. If you’re feeling especially generous, you could add my novel on Goodreads, tell friends about it, or even hand me a single red rose when you see me in the street. I’ll know what it means. Till then, controversy fans! – Redfern

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How To Ace That Job Interview (Without Taking Hostages)

We all need jobs, to buy food and playstations and attention–but it seems that almost all the job guides available online simply lead to you running away from armed police divisions along with several frightened bystanders. This guide is different–here we show you how to successfully land that job without taking innocent people hostage.

That’s right: a job, an income, and no lengthy prison sentences. You really can have it all.

First of all, dress appropriately

Remember, it’s that all-important first impression which really counts: it’s vital you make an impact from the moment you walk through the door.

DON’T: Be afraid to be creative, even startling.

DO: Stand out from the crowd. Entering whilst wearing surgeon’s scrubs will scream ‘I may not have time for my patients, but I do have time for your regional sales division.’

Show you have a good sense of humour

This tip is perhaps the most important, not only in the workplace, but in most environments. The more likable you are, the more influence you’ll wield–it’s as simple as that. And what’s more likable than a good sense of humor?

But labels are applied quickly, and your first day of work will already be too late to exhibit your fun-loving side. That’s what the interview is for.

DON’T: Come across as glum or unfriendly.

DO: Show off your happy personality by laughing every thirty seconds or so, even if the interviewer is still talking. Especially if he is still talking.

Be attractive

It’s an unfortunate fact that attractive people are more likely to be hired (and promoted) than their less attractive peers. Impress your boss and he might even put you in that corner office–the one with actual windows, rather than motivational posters telling you not to cry on company property.

You’ll need to make the most of what you have, so let your inner attractiveness shine. Be flirty! Maintain extended eye contact. Undo an extra button on your shirt. Sit on the interviewer’s desk.

While you’re there, why not sensually rub your résumé over your neck and face? Make sure to groan so he knows you’re feeling sexy, rather than just sweaty.

DON’T: Be deterred by comments such as “What are you doing on my desk?” and “Will you please get down from there before I call security?” In today’s lawsuit-heavy climate, he has to say those things.

DO: Turn up the heat by licking your lips and humming the sexiest song you can think of. He’ll be pale with desire!

Meet any challenges thrown at you

So security have you by the arm and are escorting you from the building. I know what you’re thinking: ‘I clearly failed this interview worse than anyone has ever failed any interview, and I should probably stop taking serious life advice from the internet.’

WRONG. It’s all a test to see how you cope in the face of adversity. Are you going to let them dump you outside like a bag of garbage, or are you going to show DFT Plastics Inc. what you’re made of?

DON’T: Give in now!

DO: Get back inside the interviewer’s office. Kick the security guard in the shin, and slip free of his grasp. Now run. Run toward your new job, and your new future.

Be clear, but concise

You might have made it back inside his office, but you only have thirty seconds or so before the security guard gets there. This is where you need to use all of your communication skills. The interviewer needs to know the real you, so make sure to tell your life story–and make it fast. If need be, facilitate your presentation with wild arm gestures.

DON’T: Forget to barricade the door!

DO: Talk louder.

Demonstrate that you can stay cool in a crisis

Now that the real police are banging on the door of the office, you really have the potential to show how well you can handle stressful situations. “I don’t cave under pressure!” you cry, searching for something–anything–to use as a club. Grasping the interviewer’s ‘Best Corporate Presentation of 1993′ trophy, prove your problem-solving skills by opening the door and clubbing your obstacles into blissful unconsciousness.

DON’T: Think about what you’re doing, even for a moment.

DO: Show off your ingenuity by taking the sleepy police officer’s gun.

Show commitment

Exhibit your ‘go get it’ attitude by insisting the interviewer comes with you. If you can find the appropriate hiding place, you’ll have time to talk about your community and volunteer work. Fire a shot into the ceiling to show you’re serious.

The back alley behind a disused Starbucks may not be where you expected the rest of the interview to take place, but look how well you’re improvising!

DON’T: Make this interview all about yourself. Why not surprise the interviewer by asking him some questions in return? Rest assured, he’ll appreciate your ingenuity (even if he only responds with desperate sobs).

DO: Make sure to nod and pay attention. Everyone appreciates a good listener.

Remain composed

Maybe you should have noticed him dialing the police from his pocket, or the distant wail of sirens–but you were focused on the interview. Remember, there’s no such thing as being too dedicated.

As the SWAT team drags you away, make sure to flash the interviewer your best smile. End the meeting with a professional tone: “Thank you for your time, I look forward to hearing from you.”

The last thing you see before the doors to the armored vehicle close is the look of astonishment on his face. It looks like you’ve nailed this one!

DON’T: Speak to anyone without a lawyer present.

DO: Congratulate yourself–you’re going to make the best Junior Sales Assistant they’ve ever had!

Join us next time when we’ll be showing you how to find the perfect babysitter without committing acts of arson! Till then, jobhunters!

- Employedfern

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Love Behind the Updates: A Social Media Translator

Subject A: Elizabeth Maybelle Preston, 24

Subject B: Simon Christopher Martin, 26

Location: Literally anywhere on Earth

It’s been a wild few weeks! I’m so happy to have met you, Lizzie!

Simon, July 5th (3 likes)

Elizabeth and Simon have been dating for (two) weeks, during which they have seen each other a total of four times. Each ended a serious relationship within the past six months. Elizabeth has started reading Simon’s text messages when he goes to the bathroom.

Simon actually laid his coat over a puddle for me! He’s so chivalrous!

Elizabeth, July 20th (12 likes)

Rather than walk around the puddle in the street, Elizabeth simply stands before it, looking from Simon, to puddle, to Simon. After an awkward minute-long standoff, Simon dramatically sighs, then lays his perfectly good jacket in the stagnant water. Squealing with delight, Elizabeth stomps his clothing into the brown liquid, as Simon envisages her falling into the path of a truck.

It’s official – he loves me!

Elizabeth, August 22nd (16 likes)

Elizabeth: [long pause; stares at Simon for a full thirty seconds] “I think I’m in love with you.”

Simon: [long pause; pretends to check his email for a full thirty seconds] “There’s a lot that I love about you, too.”

Enjoying a cozy evening in!

Simon, August 26th (8 likes)

Having witnessed Simon’s sulking every time she spends an evening out with her friends, Elizabeth no longer has the mental energy to resist. Ignoring her messages, she turns on the television. Simon takes his laptop into the bathroom; jerks off to her sister’s Facebook photos.

When it’s right you just know, you know?

Simon, September 19th (2 likes)

Simon mistakes Elizabeth’s increased cuddliness with growing intimacy, rather than growing sexual disinterest.

Making a mess while cooking together – just two crazy kids in love!

Elizabeth, October 8th (15 likes)

Elizabeth attempts to show an apathetic Simon how to make food with actual ingredients, pretending not to notice Simon’s complete inattention in favour of his phone. Nor the fact that he’s clearly looking at her sister’s Facebook profile again.

I can’t wait to live with my beautiful girlfriend! I’m the luckiest guy in the world.

Simon, December 2nd (20 likes)

Simon is happy his month-long campaign of passive-aggression against Elizabeth’s roommate has paid off: tired of the ukulele practice, naked ‘hot’ yoga, and dirty dishes being left on the bathroom floor, Elizabeth has finally been evicted – ending a six-year friendship.

“There’s space at mine, if you want to move in,” he offers. The double-whammy of emotional devastation and looming homelessness works every time.

Simon and I are watching Beaches again! We love watching weepy movies together!

Elizabeth, February 27th (8 likes)

Elizabeth is watching Beaches for the twenty-seventh time. Simon is sitting at the opposite end of the couch, secretly setting up a Tindr account. Two-thirds of the way through the film Elizabeth attempts to snuggle up to Simon, who responds by yawning and going to bed without a word.

This has to be the best relationship ever!

Elizabeth, April 1st (4 likes)

Elizabeth is frustrated that Simon hasn’t noticed the sarcastic tones to her recent updates. Simon pretends not to notice Elizabeth’s most recent provocation, and sends another poke to her sister.

“Don’t worry when we fight, cry, and scream at each other. Worry when we stop, for that is when the passion’s gone.”

Simon, April 12th (1 like)

There has been a lot of fighting, crying, and screaming at one another. At this point they must face up to one another, and themselves, admit their failings and end the relationship – or artificially extend it with a grand, socially-validating gesture.

Simon proposed! I’m getting married!

Elizabeth, May 2nd (13 likes)

Simon has to propose now Elizabeth wrote that status update! It’s already got thirteen likes!

I guess I’m getting married.

Simon, May 2nd (14 likes)

Having already received congratulatory telephone calls from his mother, father, and former babysitter, Simon is backed into a corner. Telling himself that it’s normal for major life decisions to be out of one’s own hands, he logs on to Amazon. He can at least choose the ring. He can at least choose one she’ll hate.

What a beautiful ring! It must be expensive!

Elizabeth, May 5th (10 likes)

Elizabeth is beginning to suspect that sarcasm isn’t working.

You know what, that ring was fucking expensive, you ungrateful shit.

Simon, May 5th (2 likes)

Simon hopes direct insults will work.

Well, it’s in the toilet now.

Elizabeth, May 5th (23 likes)

Though Elizabeth was at first uncertain as to whether taking a picture was the right thing to do, the immediate satisfaction upon upload confirmed her decision.

Your sister and I are in love.

Simon, May 5th (25 likes)

Bam! There’s no coming back from this one, but at least he has the parting shot.

One door closes, another opens.

Elizabeth, May 6th (5 likes)

It may look like Simon’s won this one, but the joke’s on him! Elizabeth knows her sister didn’t mention her five kids, nor their two-room apartment next to the freeway. She wishes Simon all the best in his new life, and feeds another of his expensive ties to the paper shredder.

It’s been a wild few weeks! I’m so happy to have met you, Susan!

Simon, July 5th (2 likes)

It’ll work this time. It has to work this time.

- InLoveWithLovefern

The post Love Behind the Updates: A Social Media Translator appeared first on redjon.com.

INTERLUDE

My roommate asked me to print off his boarding pass, so I gave him this.

The post INTERLUDE appeared first on redjon.com.