How To Ace That Job Interview (Without Taking Hostages)

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How To Ace That Job Interview (Without Taking Hostages)

We all need jobs, to buy food and playstations and attention–but it seems that almost all the job guides available online simply lead to you running away from armed police divisions along with several frightened bystanders. This guide is different–here we show you how to successfully land that job without taking innocent people hostage.

That’s right: a job, an income, and no lengthy prison sentences. You really can have it all.

First of all, dress appropriately

Remember, it’s that all-important first impression which really counts: it’s vital you make an impact from the moment you walk through the door.

DON’T: Be afraid to be creative, even startling.

DO: Stand out from the crowd. Entering whilst wearing surgeon’s scrubs will scream ‘I may not have time for my patients, but I do have time for your regional sales division.’

Show you have a good sense of humour

This tip is perhaps the most important, not only in the workplace, but in most environments. The more likable you are, the more influence you’ll wield–it’s as simple as that. And what’s more likable than a good sense of humor?

But labels are applied quickly, and your first day of work will already be too late to exhibit your fun-loving side. That’s what the interview is for.

DON’T: Come across as glum or unfriendly.

DO: Show off your happy personality by laughing every thirty seconds or so, even if the interviewer is still talking. Especially if he is still talking.

Be attractive

It’s an unfortunate fact that attractive people are more likely to be hired (and promoted) than their less attractive peers. Impress your boss and he might even put you in that corner office–the one with actual windows, rather than motivational posters telling you not to cry on company property.

You’ll need to make the most of what you have, so let your inner attractiveness shine. Be flirty! Maintain extended eye contact. Undo an extra button on your shirt. Sit on the interviewer’s desk.

While you’re there, why not sensually rub your résumé over your neck and face? Make sure to groan so he knows you’re feeling sexy, rather than just sweaty.

DON’T: Be deterred by comments such as “What are you doing on my desk?” and “Will you please get down from there before I call security?” In today’s lawsuit-heavy climate, he has to say those things.

DO: Turn up the heat by licking your lips and humming the sexiest song you can think of. He’ll be pale with desire!

Meet any challenges thrown at you

So security have you by the arm and are escorting you from the building. I know what you’re thinking: ‘I clearly failed this interview worse than anyone has ever failed any interview, and I should probably stop taking serious life advice from the internet.’

WRONG. It’s all a test to see how you cope in the face of adversity. Are you going to let them dump you outside like a bag of garbage, or are you going to show DFT Plastics Inc. what you’re made of?

DON’T: Give in now!

DO: Get back inside the interviewer’s office. Kick the security guard in the shin, and slip free of his grasp. Now run. Run toward your new job, and your new future.

Be clear, but concise

You might have made it back inside his office, but you only have thirty seconds or so before the security guard gets there. This is where you need to use all of your communication skills. The interviewer needs to know the real you, so make sure to tell your life story–and make it fast. If need be, facilitate your presentation with wild arm gestures.

DON’T: Forget to barricade the door!

DO: Talk louder.

Demonstrate that you can stay cool in a crisis

Now that the real police are banging on the door of the office, you really have the potential to show how well you can handle stressful situations. “I don’t cave under pressure!” you cry, searching for something–anything–to use as a club. Grasping the interviewer’s ‘Best Corporate Presentation of 1993′ trophy, prove your problem-solving skills by opening the door and clubbing your obstacles into blissful unconsciousness.

DON’T: Think about what you’re doing, even for a moment.

DO: Show off your ingenuity by taking the sleepy police officer’s gun.

Show commitment

Exhibit your ‘go get it’ attitude by insisting the interviewer comes with you. If you can find the appropriate hiding place, you’ll have time to talk about your community and volunteer work. Fire a shot into the ceiling to show you’re serious.

The back alley behind a disused Starbucks may not be where you expected the rest of the interview to take place, but look how well you’re improvising!

DON’T: Make this interview all about yourself. Why not surprise the interviewer by asking him some questions in return? Rest assured, he’ll appreciate your ingenuity (even if he only responds with desperate sobs).

DO: Make sure to nod and pay attention. Everyone appreciates a good listener.

Remain composed

Maybe you should have noticed him dialing the police from his pocket, or the distant wail of sirens–but you were focused on the interview. Remember, there’s no such thing as being too dedicated.

As the SWAT team drags you away, make sure to flash the interviewer your best smile. End the meeting with a professional tone: “Thank you for your time, I look forward to hearing from you.”

The last thing you see before the doors to the armored vehicle close is the look of astonishment on his face. It looks like you’ve nailed this one!

DON’T: Speak to anyone without a lawyer present.

DO: Congratulate yourself–you’re going to make the best Junior Sales Assistant they’ve ever had!