Redfern Jon Barrett's Blog, page 8

INSPIRING QUOTES FROM STEVE JOBS’ GHOST

After consuming a wall-melting amount of hallucinogens whilst trying to repair the toaster with nothing but a rusted knife and a footbath full of water, I am now able to speak with the dead.

So who was I to call upon? A great feminist fighter like Sylvia Pankhurst? An important figure in the civil rights movement like Bayard Rustin? A leading gay rights activist like Harvey Milk?

No, none of those were quite right. But then it came to me: I was looking for true inspiration, from a real dystopian hero. A visionary. A CEO from an aggressive multi-national corporation.

With that I give you

INSPIRING QUOTES FROM STEVE JOBS’ GHOST

Being in the presence of greatness, I was unable to tell if Jobs was enraged, or merely murderously contemplative. Either way, at no point did his voice lower below a scream.

 

Nor apparently, did Jobs’ ghost feel the need to wear clothing. Or at times, skin.

 

Unlike the passionate creative of so many Youtube videos, Jobs’ ghost smelled faintly of gerbils, and contempt.

 

With the afterlife being a free market paradise, Jobs quickly assumed control using only his wits and visionariness, thus building the benevolent utopia he came so close to achieving on Earth.

He is, of course, enraged that Ashton Kutcher is playing him in his biography. Jobs’ ghost made it very clear that he would have preferred Michael Cera, or in the very least an “altered” Macauley Culkin. “Altered”, he repeated, licking his lips like a genius.

 

As per the licencing agreement which comes with all of Apple’s products, Jobs is able to exert control over users whilst in the following states: sleeping, daydreaming, attempting to resist.

 

 

His pearls of wisdom dispensed, Jobs returned to the afterworld and to his true love: causing tornadoes in the US midwest. We wish him all the best in the next world. He insists that will be soon.

Until next time speaking-with-dangerously-unstable-undead-entrepreneur fans!

- Psychicfern

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NEW NEWSFERN

Yes, it has only been a month since I last did a news update. But if the British tabloids can find a new report on Princess Diana every month despite her being dead 17 years (yes 17 years, time to feel old), then I can report on my own goings-on.

(“Thanks” to Christoph Hartmann for this lovely memorial photograph)

And goings-on there have been!

My novel The Giddy Death of the Gays and the Strange Demise of Straights is being published!

By Lethe Press  - many thanks to Steve Berman. The novel is scheduled for release in 2015. Description below:

“My boyfriend told me he’s in love with a man. A weird, geeky, supposedly-also-straight man. I suppose you’re going to tell me that doesn’t make him gay? That I should stay with him, in some weird little totally-heterosexual trio?”

Caroline and her Dom live out their normal lives amongst the poverty, alcoholics, and street preachers of Swansea. But when Dom and his straight roommate fall in love – a passionate, secret, non-sexual love – their lives are transformed into a queer chaos of cross-dressing, gender bending and free love. Will Dom hold on to his relationship? Can religious fundamentalists be adopted as pets? And just what are The Lesbians up to? The battle between preachers and drag queens, skinheads and sex workers, boyfriend and girlfriend, is set to change the city forever.

But wait, more things! My short story ‘Liquid Loyalty’ is to be reprinted in Heiresses of Russ: The Year’s Best Lesbian Speculative Fiction 2014

The anthology is also from Lethe Press, and I’m extremely excited that ‘Liquid Loyalty’ will be returning, this time in print. Aaaaaand here’s a description:

“Liquid Loyalty: Giving Love a Helping Hand.” The ads help Anya fake it: every twitch, every motion, every look of longing — even her husband is unaware that the love drug in her morning coffee is really just water. She has had a long time to pretend, mimicking her friends, her family, even total strangers. One by one she’s lost them to the infatuation drops; the monogamy pill. The cafés are closed and the bars are vacant — there is no-one like her left. Not until she meets Rachel, deep down in the basement of the last public library…

I am writing a short story for Sleek Magazine

This one will be interesting: attending the Berlin Fashion Week, I am to write a story inspired by one of the exhibitions. A strange opportunity, but I like the idea – more to come on this in July.

The order for the Drag Noir anthology (published by Fox Spirit) is out

Released this summer, the anthology contains my short story ‘Straight Baby’. Information here.

Selecta are part of your family. They’re the fight against glasses, hearing aids, and anti-depressants. For over fifty years they have been helping parents design a future of healthy, heterosexual children. It’s not perfect: accidents happen. Thomas’ deviance is hidden: his disability is his invisibility. He’s not like Simon, spying on politicians in dark theatres. Or Marek, writing petitions and getting bricks through his window. Thomas just wants love – and maybe he’s found it, despite the dangers of dating married men…  

Whew, so many good things! If you want to stalk me more, then make sure to ‘like’ my Facebook page for regular updates, pictures, and filthy limericks.

- Dianafern

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THE ADVENTURES OF POLLY AND HER GHOST FRIEND BILLY

Polly Petunia liked many things. She liked building sand castles at the seaside. She liked strawberry ice cream. She liked seeing the gradual decline of her deadbeat father on his visitations every other weekend.

But the thing she liked most of all was the ghost of her friend, Billy Benton.

Everyone at the nursery school thought that Billy had had a horrible accident. But Polly knew better. Polly knew that Billy deserved it, and that her actions were justified because she was the latest human incarnation of a furious God.

Polly and Billy were the best of friends.

“What adventures shall we have today, Billy?” asked Polly. It was the same question she asked every day.  And every day Billy had the same answer.

“RELEASE ME FROM MY TORMENT AND LET ME REST IN PEACE.”

“Why yes Billy, you’re right!” squealed Polly with excitement. “Let’s go look for buried treasure!”

She thought for a moment. They needed a plan.

“But where could treasure be buried? What do you think Billy?”

“YOU ARE NOT OF THIS WORLD. YOU DO NOT BELONG IN THIS WORLD.”

“You’re right! In the coal mine just north of town! I love you, Billy.”

So Polly and Billy made their way to the coal mine just north of town.  On the way they passed the sweet shop, the playground, and the house of Old Lady Haywood. Some said that Old Lady Haywood was a witch, and that she could cast spells on children who came into her garden, but Polly was too old for such stories. She made her way up the path to the front door.

Polly knew that Old Lady Haywood was just a poor old woman who had fallen on hard times. Polly knew that in the big city Ms. Haywood had worked as a prostitute, and that she had been forced into a crystal meth addiction by her manager, finally fleeing to their small town to start a new and lonely life. It was a very sad story. Polly had made sure that Old Lady Haywood knew that she knew. It was how Polly earned her extra pocket money. Old Lady Haywood doesn’t really need her pension anyway, what with her sitting indoors all day.

“SOMEDAY I SHALL RID THE WORLD OF YOU. THEN THE TOWN CAN FIND PEACE.”

“Why, of course Billy, we have been wasting time. We won’t find buried treasure if we’re dallying around! Of we go!”

So Polly and Billy walked. They walked and walked until they reached the edge of the town and into the meadow. They walked and walked until Polly’s feet hurt. They walked through the forest, and into the hills. They walked until Polly thought she could walk no more. Finally, they were at the coal mine. But oh, no!

“Pirates!” cried Polly. “The treasure is guarded by pirates!”

“YOU KNOW FULL WELL THOSE ARE NOT PIRATES. THEY ARE HUMBLE MINERS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO HARM THEM.”

Polly thought for a minute. How could she get past the pirates to the buried treasure? She needed to put her thinking cap on.

“THEY ARE INNOCENTS. THEY HAVE FAMILIES. LEAVE THEM BE.”

“I know!” cried Polly. “I have just the plan. Come with me, Billy!”

She ran as fast as she could, with her good friend Billy following behind. Billy was frightened, but Billy had no choice but to follow. Because of the curse Polly had put on him before he died. Wherever Polly went, Billy couldn’t help but go along too.

Best friends always look after one another.

But what had clever Polly planned? It didn’t take long for Billy to find out.

She had found Old Mister Growbeard, the crazy old man who lived in the woods outside of town.

“Can we borrow your pet bear, Mr. Growbeard?” asked Polly in her very sweetest voice.

Mr. Growbeard said nothing in return. His eyes widened in fear as his arm stretched out against his will, handing the bear’s leash over to clever young Polly. Her very own bear! This was turning out to be a very good day indeed.

“Thank you Mr. Growbeard!”

Polly always remembered to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, because she knew that good manners could get you anywhere.

“Now to deal with those pirates.”

“RELEASE ME AND YOUR SOUL MAY YET BE SAVED.”

Polly knew when Billy was being hysterical and should be ignored.  She took her new bear friend to the mouth of the mine. She could hear the pirates deep inside.

“Go on, Mr. Bear. Go deal with those naughty pirates!”

The bear galloped inside as fast as its legs could carry it. She could hear the screams from inside the cave. Naughty pirates! Serves them right!

“THERE IS NO FORGIVENESS. THERE IS NO FORGIVENESS.”

“Why indeed, Billy! Some may yet escape and hatch their wicked plots elsewhere. But I know how to stop them!”

Polly had to seal the entrance to the mine. It was the only way she could keep the townsfolk safe. She set to work rigging a special pulley system, just like she’d read in her storybooks. She was finished in no time.

“We just need to pull this rope and we’ll never have to worry about those awful pirates again.”

The plan worked! The rocks came tumbling down over the mouth of the mineshaft. Billy was silent. Polly liked it when Billy was silent. He didn’t speak until they’d reached the town again.

“BUT WHAT ABOUT THE TREASURE, POLLY?”

Polly laughed and laughed. She’d quite forgotten about the treasure! But never mind. A good deed was its own reward.

Besides, Polly had quite the income. It was so nice of her little schoolfriends to work night in, night out for free in her underground playfactory.

She was a very lucky girl indeed.

THE END.

Join us again soon for more adventures from Polly and her very best friend Billy! Until then, storytime fans!

- Pollyfern

(Like my stuff? Don’t forget to ‘like’ and share it!)

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PRETTY PICTURES

Many stupid things have been said over the past few months, and some of those things were not said by me. When I get particularly annoyed by some insipid quote, or meme, or someone’s face, I have a habit of making a picture out of it. It’s like therapy, but with more MS Paint.

ROMANCE PICTURES OF PUTIN

CREEPY ‘LOVE IS’ PICTURES

THAT SUBWAY MAP

ATTACKING MEMES

ATTACKING HETEROSEXUALITY HOMOPHOBIA

MORE ATTACKING MEMES

RACISM

Here are some works of art I didn’t get around to putting on the blog. You might say that making a post out of old pictures I made is lazy. I might say nothing, because opening my mouth is effort. With that I bring you

PRETTY PICTURES

This is a jab at an omnipresent Facebook meme. HINT: if your personality can be summed up by a wordsearch, YOU DO NOT HAVE A PERSONALITY.

 

Also, pictures of food are immoral.

 

This one is POLITICAL, And The Body Shop SUCK.

 

Another political one, this time aimed at Britain’s aristocrat king, Sir David Shitface, and his exciting attempts to bring Britain back to a simpler, stupider age.

 

(That cow has a really pointy penis.)

Finally I made this one today, in response to a phrase beloved by closet homophobes everywhere, because EVERYTHING IS EQUAL NOW AND WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT

 

Someday I plan on only communicating through images, just like half the people I know on Facebook.

Till next week, lazy recycled post fans!

- MSPaintfern

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NEWSFERN

Three things have not happened in the last half-year: I haven’t had a human conversation that didn’t revolve around sinister hypotheticals; I didn’t manage to stop my sexy dentist from stealing all my wisdom teeth; and I haven’t updated my blog with things that have actually been happening to me, as opposed to happening purely within my mind. Still, much has been going on. MUCH.

I was in the newspapers! German newspapers, but newspapers all the same.

So the alternative Berlin subway map I made was popular, first being featured on Überlin, then Kreuzberged, then other places, then I was contacted by journalists for the dailies Bild and BZ, who took worryingly earnest pictures of me (clothed; SMILING) and wrote about me in print and online. Getting polyamory and queer issues mentioned in right-wing papers makes it sorta ethical, right? RIGHT?

I have been interviewed! Not once but frice (four. Four times.)

The first interview appeared in Sensanostra, on my deviant polyamorous scheming. It comes complete with photo art created specifically for the piece, which was written by Brendan McHugh. Read it here.

The second interview was with author Asha Vose, on my novel Forget Yourself. Read it here.

The third interview was with JeanzbookreadNreview, also on Forget Yourself.  Read it here.

The fourth interview is on Polyamory and identity, and will be featured at LondonPolyamory.com.

Another short story is being published!

My story ‘Straight Baby’ is being published in the upcoming Drag Noir anthology, by Fox Spirit.

“Morality rules in a glittering word of healthy scientifically-bred heterosexuality: gone are the sleazy gender-bending days of the tens. It’s not perfect – after all, accidents happen. Thomas’ deviance is hidden: his disability is his invisibility. He’s not like Simon, spying on politicians in dark theatres. Or Marek, writing petitions and getting bricks through his window. Thomas just wants love – and maybe he’s found it, despite the dangers of dating married men…”

Other stuff

There were more lovely positive reviews of Forget Yourself, I did a book reading in the awesome Berlin queer bookstore ‘Another Country’, and I’ve been working hard on my next novel Olympia: The Gay Republic, as well as new shorts.

So there we have it. Things! Now if only I can figure out how to put on a shirt without getting it stuck over my head.

- Theshirtisdarkfern

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PAPA REDFERN’S “NATURAL” ALLERGY CURES

Are you clutching a sopping wet tissue to your rasped-raw nasal cavities, dizzy from a disastrous loss of bodily fluids and despairing at the absence of any kind of loving deity? You’re not alone! This year has seen allergies become the hot new fashion trend, right behind youth unemployment and same-sex marriage. Unlike the latter two however, allergies are not caused by individual moral failings but are worsening because we murdered all the bees, harming their ability to eat pollen.

What can you do? Go to the doctor? Take PILLS? Everyone knows that the giant pharmaceutical corporations are deliberately trying to harm you. This week you’ll start taking “anti-histamines”, next week you’re lying in your cold grave, your funeral attended only by a bored priest and the one hopeful relative who doesn’t realise your inheritance consists of unpaid utility bills and the thick head of hair stolen by the undertaker.

So why not try:

PAPA REDFERN’S “NATURAL” ALLERGY CURES

 

1. DESTROY ALL THE FLOWERS

The first step to a wonderful easy-breathing future: destroy all the plant matter within an 8-mile radius of your home. Plants carry pollen, and pollen is the reason you currently look like a clown. POLLEN IS LAUGHING AT YOU.

But not for long.

You will need:

An illegal volume of weedkiller
A distraction for all your neighbours (out-of-town barbecue?)
A good, solid alibi

 

2. EXTREME HOMEOPATHY

Homeopathy involves melting things in water and allowing their properties to cure you. Whilst it’s extremely effective at dealing with hypochondria, not having a placebo, and severe cranial trauma, you’re going to need something stronger.

Oil is basically water with the added strength of a million dead dinosaurs. Remember to only take a little, as raw fossil fuels have been known to be toxic in large quantities.

You will need:

Access to an oil well
Or to a long straw and the neighbour’s car
Strong stomach lining

 

3. MANTRAS

A mantra is a sacred utterance or chant, believed to have spiritual power, and designed to bring the mind into a higher state of consciousness. If you belong to a religion, live in a worryingly nationalistic country, or work for a particularly fervent corporate entity, then you may already know some. Examples of mantras include:

“Om mani padme hum”

“USA! USA! USA!”

“We owe our hearts to Samsung. We owe our hearts to Samsung.”

You will need:

A good set of lungs
Something greater than yourself to love
Suspension of rational thought processes

 

4. BLOOD OFFERING

If the above treatments don’t work, it is possible you have angered the gods. As it is impossible to know which one, you’re going to need a sacrifice for each of them, from Aeolus to Zeus. Rodents are an inferior sacrifice, but if you run out of bulls and goats there are still plenty of alternative options at hand.

You will need:

Salt water
Incense
A ritual blade
A distraction for all your neighbours that involves them leaving pets at home (false air-raid siren?)

 

5. A BETTER BLOOD OFFERING

Is your nose still running? Did your offering fail to please Ishvara?

You haven’t done enough.

You haven’t done nearly enough.

 

You will need:

Salt water
Incense
A ritual blade
Something to numb the sound of panicked screams; potential guilt (vodka, bovine tranquillisers)

 

So there you have it! All cured! Join us next week when we expose prostate cancer for the chemotherapy-peddling lie that it really is.

Until then, alternative-medicine-fans!

- PAPAFERN

 

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THE ‘WHICH INVOLUNTARY SURGICAL PROCEDURE ARE YOU?’ QUIZ

Dear CUSTOMER,

Thank you for [taking an interest in / allowing yourself to be requisitioned by] REDFERN ENTERPRISES SURGICAL DIVISION. You’ll be pleased to know that each and every member our dedicated Excellence Team have over 40 hours’ medical training and at least 12 years mercenary combat experience. From unregistered orphanages in the Dominican Republic to the recently-sold public hospital in your hometown, REDFERN ENTERPRISES provides the ultimate in deregulated healthcare.

Before we proceed with your surgery, we ask that you take the following survey, that we may ascertain which procedure is right for you / which implements need sharpening and de-rusting. We ask that all patients refrains from eating, exercising, and communicating with loved ones for at least 48 hours before we begin.

 

QUESTION ONE: WHERE DOES IT HURT?

A – Everywhere

B – Nowhere

C – My eyes

D – I do not wish to answer this question / You have no right to detain me without consent

 

QUESTION TWO: WHY DOES IT HURT?

A – Accident involving fire

B – Smoking, respiratory illness, Djinn possession

C – Stabbed in the eyes

D – Are these restraints necessary? / Emotional problems

 

QUESTION THREE: WHAT ARE YOU?

A: British Asian

B: Bisexual

C: Jehovas’ Witness

D: I would rather not answer / Please return my phone / Category not listed

 

QUESTION FOUR: DO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING RUN IN YOUR BIOLOGICAL FAMILY?

A: Spontaneous combustion

B: Drowning

C: Witchcraft

D: Why won’t you allow me to contact my immediate family? / Heart disease

 

QUESTION FIVE: DO YOU HAVE ANY PRE-EXISTING MEDICAL CONDITIONS?

A: British Asian

B: Bisexual

C: Jehova’s Witness

D: Other / Tapping on the pipes in morse code will not help you

 

QUESTION SIX: DO YOU BELIEVE IN AN AFTERLIFE?

A: I believe in heaven, but not hell

B: I believe in hell, but not heaven

C: When we die our thetans attach to a new life form

D: Don’t know / Please loosen these restraints

 

QUESTION SEVEN: THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER DONE IS:

A: Ending the life of a pet

B: Ending the life of a human

C: Denying the existence of God

D: I fail to see the significance of this question / Child murder

 

QUESTION EIGHT: ________________________________

A: The world’s light is hidden in fire, and released with blood

B: So says the word, and the word shall take terrible form

C: And there shall be none spared, not least the repentant

D: Question appears blank

 

QUESTION NINE: MY GREATEST FEAR IS:

A: Being skinned alive

B: Not being able to breath

C: Blindness

D: Completing this survey

 

CONGRATULATIONS! PLEASE CHECK BELOW TO REVEAL YOUR UPCOMING PROCEDURE

MOSTLY ‘A’s:

You have been selected for SKIN REMOVAL/EXPERIMENTAL EXOSKELETON. Our dedicated team will provide you with comfort and counselling prior to surgery, and your ectodermal tissue will be donated to the religious institution of your choice. As this procedure requires patient consciousness, we remind you that neither local not general anaesthesia shall be provided. Chanting optional.

Once the outer layer is removed, our engineers will be providing you with your very own Redfern Enterprises Neopreen Exoskeleton.

Aftercare advice: EXOSKELETON MAY REACT WITH WATER. DO NOT GET WET.

 

MOSTLY ‘B’s

Diagnosis: LUNG REMOVAL. The human lung has been proposed to be a vestigial structure, a structure that has lost all or most of its original function through the process of evolution.  Though providing no known function, human lungs are a major source of respiratory problems and may even lead to lung cancer.

As this procedure requires patient consciousness, we remind you that neither local not general anaesthesia shall be provided. Patients may choose the following soundtracks to accompany the surgery: Spice Up Your Life, The Smurfs Collection Volume 7, Mystery Vatican noises.

 

MOSTLY ‘C’s

You shall be placed on our three-week HOMEOPATHY COURSE / PERMANENT EYE GLUEING.  Homeopathic remedies are prepared by repeatedly diluting a chosen substance in alcohol or distilled water, followed by forceful striking on an elastic body. Homeopaths select remedies by consulting reference books known as repertories, and by considering the totality of the patient’s symptoms, personal traits, psychological state, and life history, will free the patient of original symptoms. Homeopathy is widely considered a ‘pseudoscience‘.

Our simultaneous ‘Ocular Quietening’ is performed using only the highest quality adhesives, and patients may select the last thing they see from amongst the following images:

- Forest Fire

- Plague Hospital

- Margaret Thatcher Clone Orgy (artist’s rendition)

Aftercare advice: contact lenses left in the eyes before procedure may cause irritation.

 

MOSTLY ‘D’s

You have been chosen for TOTAL ORGAN DONATION / AFTERLIFE TRANSITION. As part of our Platinum Coverage Plan, funary rites are performed in the following flavours: Christian; Fundamentalist Christian; Buddhist; Dionysian Mystery Cult; and Star Trek. A variety of headstones are also available, though patients are reminded that these blank markers are for decorative purposes only, and may not be used for identifying burial plots (see: Unmarked Grave, Patient Handbook, p. 238). Family members will be notified via text message / Facebook smiley.

 

Once again Redfern Enterprises thanks you for choosing to be born in one of our Total Monopoly Zones.

SEE YOU SOON

- CEOfern

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HAPPY SIX MONTHS BEFORE MOVEMBER

I’m posting this selfie of myself without make-up for charity! Any and all charities! Because I’m ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWESOME.

Please transfer €50 into my bank account.

Actually, as I’m clearly getting a head start on Movember, better make that €100.

 

Also, fuck everything.

- Fuckingbenevolentcharityfern

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WHICH BERLINERS HATE YOU? THE QUIZ

Berlin is many things: poor, sexy, absolutely full to the brim with urine. It’s a great city, but it’s also a seething hive of competing subcultures, all rabid with hate for one another – and since you can’t possibly belong to every single one of them without maintaining a severe personality disorder, the good news is that you’re hated too! By many, many people!

But which ones? Last summer I sat in Gorlitzer park analysing the people around me and drawing a handy flow chart. Since it’s too big to scan (read: I’m too lazy to find an A3 scanner), I’ve replicated it here, so that all the loathing toward you can be enjoyed digitally. ENJOY.

SECTION 1:

YOU’VE FINALLY ARRIVED IN BERLIN! BUT WAIT, SOMEONE’S JABBERING AT YOU IN HARSH, BARK-LIKE TONES! DO YOU SPEAK GERMAN?

A) Ja voll! (Go to section 2)

B) Nein. (Go to section 15)

 

SECTION 2:

A GROUP OF WHITE PEOPLE ARE DOWNWARD-DOGGING IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR STREET. DO YOU JOIN THEM?

A) I’m giving a sun salutation right now! (Go to section 14)

B) No thanks, I’m not into cults. (Go to section  13)

C) Sometimes. (Go to section 3)

 

SECTION 3:

LET’S JUST CUT RIGHT TO THE CHASE ON THIS ONE. DO YOU WEAR NOTHING BUT FILTHY BLACK HOODIES, PREFERABLY CONTAINING ANTI-CAPITALIST SLOGANS AND ACCOMPANIED BY A BOTTLE OF STERNBURG?

A) Wait, HOW CAN YOU SEE ME RIGHT NOW? (Go to section 13)

B) No thanks, I wear people clothes. (Go to section 12)

C) Oh, gods… (Go to section 4)

 

SECTION 4:

ARE YOU LIVING IN A LEGALISED FORMER SQUAT?

A) Sadly not, I’m living in Neukölln and rent covers 80% of my income. (Go to section 12)

B) Maybe. Define ‘legalised’… (Go to section 15)

C) Huh? (Go to section 5)

 

SECTION 5:

EVERY THIRD PUBLIC SPACE IN BERLIN IS A PLAYGROUND, FILLED WITH THE SEARING, IRRITATING JOY OF CHILDREN’S LAUGHTER. DO YOU HAVE KIDS OF YOUR OWN?

A) Oh yes, they’re such a blessing! (Go to section 19)

B) Someday, maybe? (Go to section 6)

C) NEVER! (Go to section 15)

 

SECTION 6:

BERLIN IS KNOWN FOR ITS BARS AND CLUBS, BUT SOMETIMES WE JUST WANT A STERNY IN THE PARK. OR GUTTER. TELL ME, DO YOU SOCIALISE OUTDOORS AFTER 10PM?

A) At sleep time?! (Go to section 13)

B) Rock on! (Go to section 16)

C) Pass. (Go to section 7)

 

SECTION 7:

YOU’RE DRUNK, STARVING, AND FIND YOURSELF AT A DISEASE-RIDDEN IMBISS. BUT ARE YOU ORDERING A DONER, OR FALAFEL?

A) Meat me! (Go to section 18)

B) Falafel, you animal-murdering pig! (Go to section 17)

C) Next (Go to section 8)

 

SECTION 8:

GENDER BINARY: DESTRUCTIVE CAGE OR WHOLESOME LOVELINESS?

A) Huh? (Go to section 9)

B) Sorry, can’t hear you, I’m in drag right now. (Go to section 17)

C) Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve! (Go to section 19)

 

SECTION 9:

FINAL QUESTION: HAVE YOU LIVED HERE LESS THAN ONE YEAR?

A) Please, I’ve been here longer than the wall (Go to END OF THE PAGE)

B) I’ve been here a whole 3 months and 12 days! (Go to section 10)

 

SECTION 10:

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’RE HATED BY EVERYONE!

Now please leave.

 

SECTION 12

YOU’RE HATED BY AGGRESSIVE MALE ANARCHISTS!

They may not have heard of the terms ‘male privilege’, ‘heterosexism’, or ‘not putting people off your political orientation by acting terrifying’, but they sure have heard of the likes of you – and they’re not happy…

 

SECTION 13:

YOU’RE HATED BY HIPSTERS!

They might be artists who aren’t working on anything in particular right now, but they sure as hell are working on loathing you!

 

SECTION 14:

YOU’RE HATED BY PUNKS!

Their hair might display all the colour of the tolerance rainbow, but if they find you outside Trinkteufel you’re dead.

 

SECTION 15:

YOU’RE HATED BY BLAND RICH WHITE HETERO GERMANS!

They’ve moved up from Munich to make every district of Berlin into Prenzlauer Berg, and boy do they fucking hate you!

 

SECTION 16:

YOU’RE HATED BY YUPPIES!

What’re they even doing in Berlin? Did they get lost on the way home from Kensington or Neuilly? Whatever it is, it also involves disgust toward your very being.

 

SECTION 17:

YOU’RE HATED BY SKINHEADS!

They hate gays, black people, and the events of 1945. Also, you!

 

SECTION 18:

YOU’RE HATED BY FREEGANS!

Likes: dumpster diving, clothes swaps, animal-free products. Dislikes: everything about you.

 

SECTION 19:

YOU’RE HATED BY QUEERS!

Gender might be a socially-constructed illusion, but their hatred of you sure isn’t!

 

———————————————————————————————————

You’re at the end of the page – you either got here because you gave up, or because no-one in Berlin actually despises you. Which is impossible, and means you’re a liar, but YOU WIN! Go take lots of MDMA and make out with a stranger.

- Quizfern

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Diary of a Straight Person: The Return

Straight people: can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without sneaking into their homes and selling their children to dog food companies. But beyond all the chasing and legal threats, what are the elusive people known as “Notgays” actually like? Last year ‘Mork Manton’  wrote a guest post giving terrifying insight into the heterosexual mind , and has once again blessed us with a peak at their strange world and alien thoughts. And so he sneezes onto us:

Diary of a Straight Person: The Return

A proper lads’ night out. Fucking finally. I’ve been trying to get the missus to agree to this for fucking months and she just nags something about “commitment” and “drinking away our downpayment”. I called up the boys from Finance. Kyle was up for it straight away – course he was, only thing he’s pulled recently is his cock. But Steve took some convincing. He feigned disinterest, but I knew he was secretly up for it. I could hear that quiver in his voice when he’s nervous. He had no need to be nervous.

We started things off by sinking some beers at the local – hit it straight from work, suited and booted. Got some Dutch courage in there with a couple of shots for good measure. Kyle strawpedoed his can, walked up to some bird and spat beer in her face by accident. Fucking idiot. I got talking to some MILF but one of her girlfriends took her outside and started crying over some bloke. Fucking women and their fucking emotions. And Steve? Steve just sipped. Sip. Sip. And every now and then he would just stare at the scene, gracefully drinking it in.

So after that trainwreck of a pulling session we decided to go home, with our tails between our legs. By now Kyle had got kicked out for vomming on the pool table, so we had to get that fucker out of there pretty quick. All of us were pretty fucking wasted – when you’ve got a free pass to go on the pull and you fuck it up like that, you pretty much have to get shitfaced. Steve may have been hammered, but he was the only one who could walk in a straight line. God, he could walk in a straight line.

We got to Kyle’s place and shoved him on his sofa. Fucker can sort himself out. Steve and I were fucking knackered so we checked Kyle’s missus was out (I swear he just makes her up, who the fuck would have him), and we took the bed upstairs. We’d had a cheeky raid of Kyle’s drinks cabinet so we were even more wasted than before. We slept arse-to-arse in Kyle’s bed. For a while we slept like nothing had changed, but Steve clearly forgot he wasn’t at his place and started feeling me up like I was his bird. Fucking wait til I tell people about this, I thought. Classic pub banter ammo, this. Then I stopped thinking. Steve was clearly feeling a bit randy, so his hands drifted down, down, down, until they reached their target. Steve had his hand on my fucking cock! He’d clearly got so used to this with his missus it had become second nature. But it was new to me. He circled, pressed, fondled. I kept it there, there was nothing I could do. Still on some beautiful autopilot, he gave one last pull of my throbbing member. He had no idea what he’d just achieved. Maybe he never will.

Kyle’s going to have to clear it up as well. Karma fucking strikes.

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