THE ‘WHICH INVOLUNTARY SURGICAL PROCEDURE ARE YOU?’ QUIZ

HAPPY SIX MONTHS BEFORE MOVEMBER PAPA REDFERN’S “NATURAL” ALLERGY CURES

THE ‘WHICH INVOLUNTARY SURGICAL PROCEDURE ARE YOU?’ QUIZ

Dear CUSTOMER,

Thank you for [taking an interest in / allowing yourself to be requisitioned by] REDFERN ENTERPRISES SURGICAL DIVISION. You’ll be pleased to know that each and every member our dedicated Excellence Team have over 40 hours’ medical training and at least 12 years mercenary combat experience. From unregistered orphanages in the Dominican Republic to the recently-sold public hospital in your hometown, REDFERN ENTERPRISES provides the ultimate in deregulated healthcare.

Before we proceed with your surgery, we ask that you take the following survey, that we may ascertain which procedure is right for you / which implements need sharpening and de-rusting. We ask that all patients refrains from eating, exercising, and communicating with loved ones for at least 48 hours before we begin.

QUESTION ONE: WHERE DOES IT HURT?

A – Everywhere

B – Nowhere

C – My eyes

D – I do not wish to answer this question / You have no right to detain me without consent

QUESTION TWO: WHY DOES IT HURT?

A – Accident involving fire

B – Smoking, respiratory illness, Djinn possession

C – Stabbed in the eyes

D – Are these restraints necessary? / Emotional problems

QUESTION THREE: WHAT ARE YOU?

A: British Asian

B: Bisexual

C: Jehovas’ Witness

D: I would rather not answer / Please return my phone / Category not listed

QUESTION FOUR: DO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING RUN IN YOUR BIOLOGICAL FAMILY?

A: Spontaneous combustion

B: Drowning

C: Witchcraft

D: Why won’t you allow me to contact my immediate family? / Heart disease

QUESTION FIVE: DO YOU HAVE ANY PRE-EXISTING MEDICAL CONDITIONS?

A: British Asian

B: Bisexual

C: Jehova’s Witness

D: Other / Tapping on the pipes in morse code will not help you

QUESTION SIX: DO YOU BELIEVE IN AN AFTERLIFE?

A: I believe in heaven, but not hell

B: I believe in hell, but not heaven

C: When we die our thetans attach to a new life form

D: Don’t know / Please loosen these restraints

QUESTION SEVEN: THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER DONE IS:

A: Ending the life of a pet

B: Ending the life of a human

C: Denying the existence of God

D: I fail to see the significance of this question / Child murder

QUESTION EIGHT: ________________________________

A: The world’s light is hidden in fire, and released with blood

B: So says the word, and the word shall take terrible form

C: And there shall be none spared, not least the repentant

D: Question appears blank

QUESTION NINE: MY GREATEST FEAR IS:

A: Being skinned alive

B: Not being able to breath

C: Blindness

D: Completing this survey

CONGRATULATIONS! PLEASE CHECK BELOW TO REVEAL YOUR UPCOMING PROCEDURE

MOSTLY ‘A’s:

You have been selected for SKIN REMOVAL/EXPERIMENTAL EXOSKELETON. Our dedicated team will provide you with comfort and counselling prior to surgery, and your ectodermal tissue will be donated to the religious institution of your choice. As this procedure requires patient consciousness, we remind you that neither local not general anaesthesia shall be provided. Chanting optional.

Once the outer layer is removed, our engineers will be providing you with your very own Redfern Enterprises Neopreen Exoskeleton.

Aftercare advice: EXOSKELETON MAY REACT WITH WATER. DO NOT GET WET.

MOSTLY ‘B’s

Diagnosis: LUNG REMOVAL. The human lung has been proposed to be a vestigial structure, a structure that has lost all or most of its original function through the process of evolution. Though providing no known function, human lungs are a major source of respiratory problems and may even lead to lung cancer.

As this procedure requires patient consciousness, we remind you that neither local not general anaesthesia shall be provided. Patients may choose the following soundtracks to accompany the surgery: Spice Up Your Life, The Smurfs Collection Volume 7, Mystery Vatican noises.

MOSTLY ‘C’s

You shall be placed on our three-week HOMEOPATHY COURSE / PERMANENT EYE GLUEING. Homeopathic remedies are prepared by repeatedly diluting a chosen substance in alcohol or distilled water, followed by forceful striking on an elastic body. Homeopaths select remedies by consulting reference books known as repertories, and by considering the totality of the patient’s symptoms, personal traits, psychological state, and life history, will free the patient of original symptoms. Homeopathy is widely considered a ‘pseudoscience‘.

Our simultaneous ‘Ocular Quietening’ is performed using only the highest quality adhesives, and patients may select the last thing they see from amongst the following images:

- Forest Fire

- Plague Hospital

- Margaret Thatcher Clone Orgy (artist’s rendition)

Aftercare advice: contact lenses left in the eyes before procedure may cause irritation.

MOSTLY ‘D’s

You have been chosen for TOTAL ORGAN DONATION / AFTERLIFE TRANSITION. As part of our Platinum Coverage Plan, funary rites are performed in the following flavours: Christian; Fundamentalist Christian; Buddhist; Dionysian Mystery Cult; and Star Trek. A variety of headstones are also available, though patients are reminded that these blank markers are for decorative purposes only, and may not be used for identifying burial plots (see: Unmarked Grave, Patient Handbook, p. 238). Family members will be notified via text message / Facebook smiley.

Once again Redfern Enterprises thanks you for choosing to be born in one of our Total Monopoly Zones.