Redfern Jon Barrett's Blog, page 16

News

OK, so more excitement this week…

 

The Fall issue of ‘A Capella Zoo’ is now out, which features my short story ‘Transaction’ – check out a preview of the magazine at http://issuu.com/acappellazoo/docs/issue_9_preview?mode=window&backgroundColor=%23222222 - 2nd page for a short quote from ‘Transaction’.
My article ‘My Stand’ on queer identity in the 18th century is now available in the peer-reviewed journal ‘Gender Forum’ - http://www.genderforum.org/issues/buddies-that-matter/my-stand/
‘Forget Yourself’ has a growing presence on Goodreads, now with a review from Caterina Lewis - http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/419576403

Also, I lost at football to some 10 year olds. So, there’s that.

- Redfern

Anti-alcohol adverts vs FUN

Who doesn’t love government public service announcements? Over the years they’ve given me an unrelenting fear of fireworks, knives, overdosing, railway lines, and water. Now the German government have put up a new load of exciting adverts warning the youth about the dangers of taking the alcohol. They’re currently in every subway station and bus stop around Berlin, and they’re spectacular.

ROOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR

SEE? SEE WHAT ALCOHOL DOES? It turns two unbearable arseholes who obviously dislike one another into INTENSE WARRIORS. Look at the rage in their faces! Especially the guy on the left! He’s so angry, he might start feeling up the other guy’s pecs too!

At least if they’re drunkenly fighting there’s a chance one or both of them will fall into the road and wind up beneath the wheels of a bus. The alternative is just too awful to contemplate.

BLOOOAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH

DO NOT LET YOUR PRECIOUS SAXON DAUGHTER GO OUT DRINKING WITH SOMEONE MORE ETHNIC THAN THEM. THEY WILL DIE.

Love how they’ve positioned the passed-out girl in an inexplicably unnatural and complex manner which just so happens to show off her legs and give a titillating view into her cleavage. It’s a good job they didn’t include any vomit in this picture, or it wouldn’t be sexy at all!

This one is my favourite. Once again we have the despicable sleazy shot of a passed-out woman, this one of her legs and bra, because women’s clothes remove themselves when they lose consciousness. The guy, of course, hasn’t even lost a shirt button.  I’m actually kind of frightened that the guy who designed these posters is out there somewhere, walking the streets of Germany.

Aside from the skin-crawling sexism, am I the only one who thinks the drunk version of this couple looks like a lot more fun? The sober ones look eminently punchable, whilst the drunk ones look like people I might actually consider being friends with.

Though I would take the woman shopping for clothes that actually fit and get her to change the locks so creepy photographers can’t break in and take photos of her sleeping.

Well, it’s almost 3pm, time for the afternoon gin and tonic!

- Redfern

Allergies vs. Joy

I have allergies. Many, many allergies. Cats, dogs, rats, rabbits, dust, pollen, homophobes, you name it. My allergies, however, are manageable – I just have to stay away from anything that isn’t human and hide indoors. If I paint trees on the walls, who’s to know the difference?

Lovely, peaceful trees.

Like many people, I make myself feel better by thinking about the suffering of others. Here are some things it would really, really suck to be allergic to:

Sugar
Cooked food
Water
Clouds
Hugs
Protein
Vitamin C
Friendship
Smiling
Canada
Walking
The satisfaction from urinating when you really, really had to go
Human singing
Birdsong
Any arrangement of notes which could be considered ‘tuneful’ or ‘pleasing’
Video games
Any form of affection
Liquids
Seeing things with your eyes
Using any of your senses except for smell
Dancing
Crying
Trying to end it all because allergies are ruining your life
Sitting down

But hey, allergies can develop spontaneously over time – it’s not too late for you to become allergic to any (or all!) of these!

You could live in a bubble!

Hubbard willing.

- Redfern

News

Here’s this week’s rundown:

My article ‘Lords of Kobol: The One, None, and Many Gods of the Battlestar Universe’ is out at Scifi Methods: http://scifimethods.com/articles/lords-of-kobol-the-one-none-and-many-gods-of-the-battlestar-universe/285/
Forget Yourself is now listed on Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/16008663-forget-yourself
Forget Yourself reached #75 in the Kindle UK lesbian chart.
‘Transaction’ will be published in ‘A Cappella Zoo’ next month.
Plus ou moins sorcières, which includes a chapter I worked on with Olivia Plender and Patrick Staff, is being released in December.

Pretty busy, but as long as I apply lemon juice to my eyes every 15 minutes, I don’t need to sleep!

Hurrah!

- Redfern

Religion vs Religion vs Religion vs Not Religion vs Religion

Unless you have a sexual fetish for migraines (and who doesn’t?), discussing religion on the internet is a very bad idea. Even though the majority of people are calm and reasonable in real life (I do not include myself in that assessment), it is online that the Holy Wars are taking place: Christians arguing that non-Christians have no source of morality, Atheists arguing that religion is the source of all evil, and Mormons being Mormons. All sides take up the banner of intolerance in order to argue how intolerant the others are. IQs plummet, global blood pressures increase, and bystanders flee to the safe haven of Agnosticism (the Switzerland of religious belief).

In all this some very simple facts are forgotten: not all religions are the same and in fact vary wildly as to their origins and social effects; there are many other sources of moronic intolerance – including nationalism and racism; morality and ethics do not stem from a single book; no religion is the same over time; and I should be worshipped as a god.

Every religious viewpoint and ideology has contributed positive and negative changes to our world. Here are some of them:

Christianity

Positives: Protecting the lives of unwanted newborns (previously left to die in many European cultures); focusing on the position of slaves in ancient Rome; and providing an absolutist sense of morality, out of which which movements from Abolitionism to Socialism could grow.

Negatives: Destroying Pagan centres of knowledge such as Plato’s Academy and the Library of Alexandria; regulating sex lives to murderous effect; religious persecution in Europe, the Americas, and Africa; providing an absolutist sense of morality, out of which Fascism and the Inquisition could grow.

Atheism/ Secular Humanism

Positives: Loosening Christian sexual and social codes; pushing for the concepts of Reason and the Scientific method to take the place of a single god; fighting for the separation of Church and State.

Negatives: Continuing Christian persecution of homosexuals under the guise of psychiatry and biology until the late 20th century; religious persecution in China, the USSR, and Cambodia; Richard Dawkins.

Hinduism

Positives: Providing guides on hygiene and sex which have lasted for millenia (the Karma Sutra); demonstrating some of the first true examples of freedom of religion.

Negatives: The caste system; religious persecution of Muslims in mid-to-late 20th century India.

Islam

Positives: Keeping Pagan writings and artefacts alive whilst the Christians continued destroying them; many Islamic countries and communities helping Jewish people escape the Holocaust; Sufi mysticism being just plain awesome.

Negatives: Late 20th and early 21st century repression of women; homophobia; Sunni and Shi’a Islamic authorities persecuting Sufis.

You might agree with some of these statements, you might not: the point is, no single religious viewpoint (or lack of) is dangerous: the danger comes from the belief that your particular viewpoint could never be used to harm others. Because frankly anything can.

Because humans are dicks.

- Redfern

Names vs. Logic

I love names – they lessen the need for pointing at people and screaming for their attention. Yet thinking of new names is hard. So for those who happen to have found a baby/ small child, or just like the exciting forms that come with changing your name via the courts, here is a Very Special Naming Method I have invented.

REDFERN’S “PATENTED” NAMING CONVENTION OF NAMES

Step Number One

What type of human are you? Your can attach different suffixes to the name depending on your Designated Social Station:

Appending ‘a’ to the end of a name means you are ‘female’
Appending ‘on’ means you are ‘male’
Appending ‘us’ means you are a ‘pretentious male’
Appending ‘ey’ means you are a ‘drag queen’
Appending ‘ox’ means you are awesome (any gender)

Examples: The ordinary, boring human name ‘Martha’ becomes: Martha, Marthon, Marthus, Marthey and MARTHOX. With that sorted, let’s move on to the next step.

(SCREAMING BABOX)

Step Number B

Now for name ideas! To show The World that you are cultural, use names from Greek mythology:

Hercules (Hercula, Herculon, Herculus, Herkley and HEREKLOX)
Athena (Athena, Athon, Athenus, Atheney and ATHENOX)
Zeus (Zeusa, Zeuson, Zeususus, Zoosey AND ZEUSOX)

You get the idea! Names of Romantic poets are also acceptable for those wishing to brag about their (failed) Mensa application:

Byron (Byrona, Byron, Byronus, Byrey and BYROX)
Keats (Keata, Keaton, Keatus, Keatsey and KEATOX)
Percy Shelley (Perciashella, Perconshellon, Perconshellus, PERCOX RULER OF ALL)

For the religious, we have names from ‘The Bible of Jesus’:

David (Davida, Davon, Davidius, Davey and DOX)
Jonathan (Jonathana, Jonathon, Jonus, Jey-Jey and JONATHANOX)
God (Goda, Godon, Gus, Godey and GOXD)

And then for everyone else, we can find inspiration from popular breakfast cereals:

Frosties (Frosta, Froston, Frostius, Frostey and FROSTOX)
[Rice] Crispies (Crispa, Crispion, Crispus, Crispiesey and BATTLESTAR)
Proctor and Gamble’s Gluten-Free Bran Flakes for the Diabetic (Matilda, Timon, Portius, Marcey and PROCTOX GAMBLOX GLUTOX-FROX BROX FLAX DAX THE THIRD)

Wonderful! Now onto the final step…

Step Number Pi

Now the first name is sorted, we just need to move onto a ‘last name’ or ‘Satan name’. This is the easy step, as there are only two surnames in the English-speaking world:

Smith

and

Barrabas

So feel free to choose between them. Everyone called ‘Smith’ will get a divorce, everyone called ‘Barrabas’ will squander their dreams. Good luck!

- REDFOX BARRABAS

Money vs the Imagination Hole – part 2

As we now live in an age where people can only hope to understand a political message if it’s plastered in bold font over a picture on facebook, I made this. I have now caught up with the year 2012. It’s cold.

- Redfern

Announcement

Check out my first article for Scifi Methods – ‘A Brief History of Gotham’, where I project my bizarre fantasies on the topic of Christopher Nolan’s untimely death:

http://scifimethods.com/articles/a-brief-history-of-gotham/217/

In other news, the main page of this site now has purchasing info for my weird sci-fi novel ‘Forget Yourself’. WHY NOT BUY EIGHT COPIES?

Money vs The Imagination Hole

Now, I’m no certified economist, at least not until next week when my private university is ratified (want a PhD in under ten minutes for only 199.99?) – but there’s something that really bugs me when the media talk about money.

I’m calling it the Imagination Hole, largely because I like cheap double-entendres. The ‘Imagination Hole’ is when newspapers, TV, and the more backward boroughs of the internet talk about money as though it can vanish. You know what I’m talking about – so much has been spent on libraries/schools/hospitals – and that money is gone! Well here’s an amazing revelation for the press: when money is spent, it goes somewhere else and doesn’t get sucked into a fictional sphere of nothingness. 

For example, the Imagination Hole is present during almost every discussion on welfare. All that money frittered away on do-nothing layabouts! It’s not as though they eat, purchase clothes, pay rent, use the bus, and maybe even buy the newspapers which call them ‘feckless scum’ – thus providing an injection into the local economy. No! They simply sink it into the Imagination Hole they all have hidden away between the marijuana plants and stacks of pornography. Obviously.

Now, it’s messed up and short-sighted to treat welfare as though it’s nothing but a drain, but the Welfare Imagination Hole pales in comparison to the Financial Crisis Imagination Hole (yes, the Imagination Hole comes in different flavours). This is how the media discourse from 2007 onwards went:

Good heavens! There’s a financial crisis! All that money, gone forever! Gone, gone, gone! What to do?!

The Financial Crisis Imagination Hole found its way into the vast majority of newspapers, news reports, and online media. Some bankers messed up the economy and all of our lovely money fell into oblivion!

Of course it didn’t. I know it sounds obvious to say, but it needs saying because the press never do. All that money went somewhere. Here’s a fun fact for the day:

The financial impact of the crisis was to the sum of $32 trillion

The amount subsequently sitting in offshore tax havens is $32 trillion

Magic! There must be some sort of Imagination Anti-Hole, which dispenses money to Armani-suited sociopaths! The good Lord Midas does work in mysterious ways.

Either that or the largest upward transfer of wealth in history just took place and the media are being careful not to talk about it.

Nah, it’s holes and anti-holes. I’m sure. Praise Midas!

- Redfern

Announcement!

My weird science fiction novel ‘Forget Yourself’ is now available on Amazon! It features triangle huts, chlorine oceans, lego cities, purple clouds and blink rations. And sex.

Buy it for the Kindle, or download it to your computer, iPhone or iPad with the Kindle app!

US: http://www.amazon.com/Forget-Yourself-ebook/dp/B0092RXYLO/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1346179026&sr=8-3&keywords=forget+yourself

UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Forget-Yourself-ebook/dp/B0092RXYLO/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1

DE: http://www.amazon.de/Forget-Yourself-ebook/dp/B0092RXYLO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346178963&sr=8-1

Or simply search for ‘queer polyamory science fiction’ within Amazon. It’ll show up. Oh yes.

Oh, and LOVE ME FOREVER.

- Redfern