Redfern Jon Barrett's Blog, page 15

HOUSESPOUSE CORNER: MAKING YOUR OWN MARMALADE

If you’re anything like me, the hours when The Husband is at work can be long and lonely. You forgot how to do knitting, the children have grown up and gone to live with a foster family, and the cats are long dead. You need activity in your day!

But don’t waste your time studying for that master’s degree or meeting new friends – those things are for lesbians, and people who know how to work computers! Thankfully my blog has a new feature, ‘Housespouse Corner’, where we’ll give you plenty of tips for whittling away the hours to the grave. Today we’ll be learning how to make our own marmalade! Fun! Stop cutting yourself!

 

Ingredients

1000 demigrams of sugar (2 oz.)

A spoon

50 mg. Xanax

Another spoon

A small mental box to store away your resentment

Hope

The only bowl in the kitchen left unbroken after your last ‘episode’

Oil (1 drum, any kind)

An orange

 

Step One

Get dressed. The neighbours can see you.

 

Step Two

Don’t wear that, that’s the shirt you wore when you discovered all those text messages on his phone. It is spiritually soiled.

 

Step Three

Stop crying, take the Xanax.

 

Step Four

Take the bowl from the cupboard, making sure to chip away the residue of old cornflakes.

 

Step Four

Call him to make sure he’s really at work and isn’t at your sister’s house again.

 

Step Five

Cry. Fall asleep (80 minutes).

 

Step Six

Wake up to discover you are naked. Why does that keep happening?

 

Step Seven

Go fill the bird feeder with poison.

 

Step Eight

DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN

 

Step Nine

Sleep (sudden; unplanned – 90 minutes).

 

Step Ten

Watch two soap operas at once, flicking between them every 20 seconds (30 minutes).

 

Step Eleven

Write death threats to the foster family.

 

Step Twelve

Phone him again. No answer. Gather up the dead birds. Place them into his half of the bed.

 

Step Thirteen

The clock ticks away your mortality. Put the sugar into the bowl. The bowl is too small. Break the bowl.

 

Step Fourteen

MISSING MEMORIES

 

Step Fifteen

Peel the orange or something.

 

Step Sixteen

Split the orange into thirds. Name each segment after the children. Eat the segments.

 

Step Seventeen

Fill the bathtub with the oil. Place his clothes into the bathtub.

 

Step Eighteen

It’s 6:30pm! Time for bed! Sleep (18 hours).

 

There we have it – delicious marmalade! Good for breakfast, snacks, and even as a thoughtful gift, even if you don’t know anyone who deserves it! Join us next time when we learn how to perform hexes!

Happy baking – or as they say in France, la mort est la miséricorde!

- Redfern

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The post HOUSESPOUSE CORNER: MAKING YOUR OWN MARMALADE appeared first on redjon.com.

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: GLORIOUS VICTORIAN EDITION (Part 2)

Chippy-chip-huzzoh! Welcome to a most stimulating second part of the ‘Choose Your Own Adventure: Glorious Victorian Edition’ (for part 1, click here). There are three potential ‘happy endings’, so make sure to choose wisely. Or randomly, I don’t care.

21. We last left you as a prominent politician, philanthropist, and tramp murderer. You are the darling of Victoria’s Empire: young, vicious, and with a fine bristly moustache (made from the very finest of kittenskins). But horrors! You have remained a bachelor for much too long, and rumours are spreading that you are into tickling moustaches with other gents! You are in want of a wife.

a) Splendid! I want a wife as chaste as spring. Search the nunneries! (Go to part 23)

b) I want a wife who knows what she’s doing! Search the brothels! (Go to part 24)

c) Finding a lady is like choosing a basset hound. Place an advert in the local gazette, gather them in the grounds of your manor and see which are most efficient at harming members of your staff. (Go to part 25)

 

 

22. You grab the nearest woman’s wrist and drag her toward the altar. She screams and protests that she’s already married, but you aren’t listening to such hysterical nonsense. The marriage goes ahead, and your wife acquiesces once she hears of your enormous wealth. (Go to part 29)

 

 

23. What in blazes?! Nuns are Catholics, and Catholics are either Frenchman or Spaniards! You are no true Englishman, and thanks to the indiscretions of your once trusted manservant, everyone knows it. You are chased through the streets by none other than Queen Victoria herself, riding upon a pure white steed. You are trampled beneath its hooves, and the great Empress gives a royal wave to the crowds of adoring onlookers.

Thus ever for Catholics!

GO BACK TO START

 

 

24. As is right and proper for your research, you scour the nation’s brothels, from Bawdy Pete’s Copulation Shed to William Gladstone’s Palace of Carnal Pleasures – where you converse with ladies numbering into the hundreds. Unfortunately your efforts secure you the syphilis contagion, and as yet no-one has invented mould – meaning no Louis Pasteur and no antibiotics. You keep up a charade of good health, collecting pieces of yourself which blacken and fall off and replacing them with body parts harvested from the paupers you keep locked in your cellar.

But your efforts have proven fruitful – you have found the prettiest courtesan in all the land, Lady Parress Hillton, and your upcoming nuptials are the talk of high society. (Go to part 27)

 

 

25. Your servants, maids, butlers and the shoe-shine boy lie upon the parlour floor with broken teeth and shattered ribcages. There is a faint stench of death and somewhere, the sound of mild sobbing. Your potential brides are standing tall, still clutching their gory scimitars and giving you hopeful – yet coy – glances. One in particular stands out – she is still busied tearing teeth from the mouth of the pastry chef, placing each bloodied stub into her dainty purse and humming softly to herself.

That’s the one for you! You propose on the spot. (Go to part 27)

 

 

26. You are making small talk with Dr. Darwin when a mob of angry Methodist villagers appear, furious at his invention of Science and Reason. As well as being a Heathen, Dr. Darwin is also very cunning, and removes his stick-on beard, pressing it onto your face instead. He makes his getaway in a steam-powered helicopter, leaving you to be torn to shreds by rural folk screaming Bible quotes.

GO BACK TO START.

 

 

27. Congratulations! Your wedding is attended by the most wicked of entrepreneurs and the most deformed of aristocrats. You have a proper Anglican priest to officiate, and the service itself is taking pace in Windsor Castle. But alack! Word comes that your bride has been chased into the Thames by a gang of London’s street urchins, and has been drown’d. And there’s no time to cancel the hors d’oeurves!

a) Just grab the nearest woman to hand! Nothing shall stop this wedding! (Go to part 22)

b) Give a solemn announcement that your fiancée has passed away and that the wedding is postponed. (Go to part 30)

c) Marry your best man – the Victorians need a bit of a social shake-up! (Go to part 31)

 

 

28. You embark upon your hike into the forest. Unfortunately you find yourself in Wales, where the heathenous population are still untouched by the word of Christianity. You attempt to grant them a spiritual education, but as they have never heard of Jesus they are still cannibals.

Your remains are made into laverbread.

GO BACK TO START

 

 

29. You honeymoon in Buxton-Upon-Withypool, leaving your wife at home as her very presence gives you a headache. The town is picturesque and kept so by the council’s policies on ethnic cleansing. The sun is shining: washerwomen hang laundry, merchants peddle, and Masons congregate to plan the new world order. What shall you do?

a) I’m on holiday and the sun is shining – there’s only one course of action. Lock myself in an opium den! (Go to part 32)

b) Why waste such good weather? A vigorous hike will do me good. (Go to part 28)

c) Who is that man over there? He looks familiar! (Go to part 34)

 

 

30. You begin by giving a stoic speech on the nature of mortality and the perils of fate, but find your eyes being tickled with feelings. A single tear gathers and runs down your cheek.

Your assembled guests are horrified at the site of a man showing human emotions, and begin jeering. Your embarrassment only serves to bring on more tears, and before you know it you are standing at the altar, openly sobbing in front of a hostile crowd.

Knowing you shall never recover from this social shame you run to the very top of one of the castle’s turrets, throwing yourself off. In your final moments you see your fiancée arriving at the castle grounds, realising it was all a jape played by your bet man.

Her lovely dress is stained by your entrails.

GO BACK TO START

 

 

31. The sight of two men marrying is too much for the Victorians to comprehend – every single man, woman and child in the western hemisphere collapses in a swoon, from which they cannot wake. The mills and charnel-houses fall silent. You find yourself alone in an abandoned civilisation.

Oh well, at least now the air is clean – and the entire world’s collection of preserved meats are yours! All yours!

GO BACK TO START

 

 

32. Mmmmm, tasty, nutritious opium. Your troubles and cares melt away as you languish on a tasteful chaise loungue. You pass out for an indeterminate number of days.

When you awake you find yourself amongst a rag-tag group of bohemians, passing through on their way to establish a commune. Taking a fancy to their devil-may-care ways and rugged good looks, you decide to join them. The group travel to the Lake District in a wagon, where you establish a new community founded on principles of vegetarianism and free love, out of sight from mainstream society. Living without adequate sanitation or dental care isn’t perfect, but you have successfully escaped the perils of Victorian society.

Congratulations! You have become one of the world’s first hippies!

THE END

(Go to the end of the post)

 

 

33. Alas! Disaster! Your dance is quite feminine, and Jack the Ripper is more convinced than ever that you are in fact a prostitute! You must try another course of action! (Return to part 36).

 

 

34. Hail! It’s the fellow from the banknotes! You know… Charles. Charles thingy.

a) Charles Dickens. (Go to part 37)

b) Charles Darwin. (Go to part 39)

c) Charles Jack the Ripper. (Go to part 36)

 

 

35. You scream your hardest, causing Jack to drop his knife to the floor, dumbstruck. You have the most beautiful scream he has ever head! He instantly falls in love with you, and you climb into his murder carriage as his bride.

The two of you travel the world together, murdering prostitutes on every continent. You spend the rest of your days in perfect, utter contentment, knowing you have found your one true love.

Congratulations! You’re a serial killer’s wife!

THE END

 

(Go to the end of the post)

 

 

36. You wander over to give a hearty hello, but notice that you have spilt some beef gravy on your shirt collar! It would be an embarrassment to meet such a famous individual looking like a homeless Scotsman. You scour the local washing-lines, but unfortunately the only available clothing are a fine set of ladies’ blouses. You put one on, reasoning that is is better than nothing.

You go to make his acquaintance. But poor show! Due to your attire Jack the Ripper has mistaken you for a lady prostitute! He advances toward you, knife raised and a mad glint in his eye.

a) Scream! Scream for help! Oh, won’t somebody save a poor damsel? (Go to part 35)

b) Reveal your gender by performing a manly dance. (Go to part 33)

c) Aim a sturdy kick at his testicles. (Go to part 38)

 

 

37. Charles Dickens is a fictional character from the musical ‘Oliver Twist’. It cannot possibly be him. (Return to part 34).

 

 

38. Pow! Jack the Ripper’s testicles explode against your finely-shined boot, and he collapses in unimaginable pain, before going into shock and expiring at your feet. How exciting! You’ve actually killed Jack the Ripper! Whizzo!

You decide to take his lovely jacket and hat as a souvenir, placing them on your person and going for a walk into town. Unfortunately the local constabulary mistake you for the playful serial killer, and you are placed into Broadmoor prison, where you are served boiled rat and candied plums until the day of your execution.

You are not remembered.

GO BACK TO START

 

 

39. It is! It’s Dr. Charles Darwin, renowned inventor of evolution and atheism! You are dizzy with anticipation at meeting such a great man. But how best to introduce yourself?

a) Simply say hello! He might be an eminent citizen, but he’s just a man, after all! (Go to part 26).

b) Actually, his beard is somewhat sinister. I think I’d rather talk to that nice Mr. Dickens. (Go to part 37).

c) Don’t say hello! God made Adam and Eve, not Koko and Chimp the Monkey! Spit in his face and walk away (Go to part 40).

 

 

40. Never trust a scientist! You go to church instead, and become so enamoured with the town that you decide to relocate. Nonsense letters keep arriving saying something about a wife, but you know they must be some sort of joke. You live out your days in peace and harmony, until you are conscripted into the Boer war. Your experiences of herding women and children into concentration camps gives you a taste for despotism, and upon your return to the United Kingdom you successfully launch a military coup, becoming Supreme Overlord of the Victorians.

Congratulations, you’re a bloodthirsty tyrant!

THE END

(Go to the end of the post)

 

 

Well done, you’ve managed to survive the Victorian period, and have a glamorous new life to boot! Play again to discover the alternative endings – or don’t and waste the day posting photos of your breakfast via Instagram instead. Whatever.

- Redfern

The post CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: GLORIOUS VICTORIAN EDITION (Part 2) appeared first on redjon.com.

INTERLUDE

DEAR ‘CUSTOMER’

Thank you for your suggestion that we remove your name from the ‘Redfern Barrett Privatised Sexual Offenders Register’. Your application has been

DENIED

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact us on

DETAILS WITHHELD – INFORMATION NOT AVAILABLE TO KNOWN SEXUAL OFFENDERS

Thank you for your cooperation.

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CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: GLORIOUS VICTORIAN EDITION (Part 1)

So it seems that a lot of people enjoyed ‘Choose Your Own Adventure: Depressing Reality Edition’, but complained that it didn’t feature enough moustaches or child poverty. Well consider the matter rectified, as I present:

 

Choose Your Own Adventure: Glorious Victorian Edition

 

1. You’re heading into town to buy pain relief pills for your dying cat, when you notice something is amiss: the skies have darkened with smog, the corpses of starved children litter the street, and the prostitutes have unrealistically slender waists. There is a strong atmosphere of vigour and delusion. Congratulations, you’ve stumbled into Victorian Times!

a) Fuck. (Go to part 5)

b) If I walk down the street backwards, perhaps I’ll return to a less horrifying era. (Go to part 7)

c) Splendid! What an errant joy to be alive in such industrious times! (Go to part 3)

 

 

2. You take off your clothes, standing in the cold autumnal road with your genitals fully exposed. A local preacher accosts you and performs a street exorcism, before taking you to his residence to get warm. You sit in front of a warm fire sipping delicious cocoa. (Go to part 4)

 

 

3. That’s it! No use for sad thoughts or objective reasoning in such a wondrous place! But you need to fit the part: your soiled t-shirt and knock-off Adidas trainers are starting to arouse suspicion. If you are a woman (or hippy), you quickly shear off your hair using a shard of glass from the remains of a local Jewish storefront. You’ll fare much better passing as a gent!

Now, time for some Victorian dressware.

a) I believe I shall perambulate toward the nearest retailer in search of attire. (Go to part 6)

b) There’s no time! I shall beat a well-dressed beggar senseless and wear their clothes! The poor don’t need them! (Go to part 8)

c) Fuck, fuck it, I’m not playing along with this, the Victorian period was one of the bleakest ages in history and there’s no point in even trying. I’m going to get completely naked, seeing as anything I do will only result in my death anyhow. (Go to part 2)

 

 

4. Unfortunately he sneaks up from behind and decapitates you, selling your headless torso to a local medical establishment. Your heart winds up on display at the museum of natural sciences, whilst your soul is stored for all eternity in a haunted music box.

GO BACK TO THE START

 

 

5. Jolly bad show! Such negativity is unsuited to such a marvellous age! In fact, your well-founded pessimism is so out of keeping with the ‘can-do’, ‘can-enslave’ spirit of the Victorians that they mindlessly turn on you, forming a braying mob which quickly tears your body to pieces.

GO BACK TO START.

 

 

6. “Good day to you good sir,” says the well-mustachio’d retail man. “I assume you shall be wanting some fine attire to replace your soiled space-man clothes, do you not? Why not step into my back chambers, where we shall measure you up for the finest of garments?” (Go to part 4)

 

 

7. You begin your backwards walk, being careful not to trip over the myriad of cheerful beggars and discarded corsets. Perhaps this will work! You can hear bells! You can feel yourself returning to the 21st century, you can feel -

Unfortunately the bell belonged to a tram. Though the driver had plenty of time to halt his vehicle, your unkempt appearance and strange manners convinced him that he should increase the velocimetre and end your slovenly existence. He cheerfully wipes away pieces of your brain with an embroidered handkerchief.

GO BACK TO START.

 

 

8. Huzzah! The worthless street urchin lies in a bloodied pulp at your feet. Good thing you found that leaden pipe on the ground! You strip the battered corpse of its clothes and put them on, wiping the bloodstains away with your spit. You catch your reflection in a shop window. Dapper! Dapper indeed!

But you shall need some profession for your industrious new life!

a) A preacher! The Lord guides the Empire, after all! (Go to part 10)

b) A schoolteacher! Young minds need shaping! (Go to Part 13)

c) A politician! You shall whip the country into shape! (Go to part 11)

 

 

9. The public are a tiresome breed, always complaining about living in squalid conditions and working in dangerous mills. Or at least, they would be if you paid any sort of attention to them. Thankfully Parliament comes with some very high and spiky fences, and enough policemen to murder a whole village of Yorkshiremen. But you really should do something, you have a legacy to promote!

a) Create some sort of Welfare Bill, to provide for the needy. (Go to part 16)

b) Press for the invasion of France! The French cannot be tolerated! (Go to part 18)

c) No time for such things – you have had a tiring day and are in need of a strumpet! (Go to part 19)

 

 

10. The good Lord has guided you to a righteous path – or more precisely, to the path of the local vicarage. Due to your impressive credentials (you have the ability to both read and write) you are given a position in the Church right away, presiding over the small Parish of Nithworp South.

After some days the poverty of your Parish begins to unnerve you: the local charitable foundation ‘Ladies of Nithworp’s Honourable Relief of the Worthy Poor’ is only active once per year, when there is a sale of baked goods – an event which raises thruppence. You decide to take matters into your own hands, forming a non-conformist Church aimed at political reform toward the relief of the poor.

a) Splendid! I shall travel to Westminster to lobby Members of Parliament toward this end – I just need some coffers from the Pauper’s Relief Jar to fund my journey. (Go to part 11)

b) I shall stay in my Parish and do what I can for the poor souls here. I cannot abandon them at such a time! (Go to part 14)

c) THE LORD SPEAKS THROUGH ME ALONE. I MUST BE WORSHIPPED AS ONE OF HIS ANGELS (Go to part 17)

 

 

11. Upon arrival in London you make friends with Sir Alfred Kettle Prince Pennyworth, Esq., and make a firm bond based on your mutual admiration of steam engines. He promises to introduce you to the Empire’s political elite, and together you embark upon a series of increasingly costly luncheons and after-supper-meals, all funded via various sinister and nefarious means.

You begin to worry that you have been corrupted. But fear not, for Sir Alfred Kettle Prince Pennyworth, Esq. has made the proper connexions for your pursuit of politics. You are handed a rotten borough, and thanks to a thorough canvassing of its three (deceased) residents you are elected to Parliament! (Go to part 9)

 

 

13. You begin the worthy and noble work of educating the poor, working at one of the nation’s most impoverished Public Schools, attempting to teach 15 year-olds to write their own names. Though you meet with many disappointing failures, you do succeed in catching tuberculosis, and you are placed with little fanfare into a pauper’s grave.

The school is then made into a brothel. The students never leave.

GO BACK TO START.

 

 

14. Your increasing conviction that the Empire rests upon the backs of the poor leads you toward Marxist Socialist doctrines. In your Parish you find many allies, some of whom have been gathering arms. Though as a man of the cloth you abhor the use of violence to achieve your lofty aims, you become increasingly sympathetic to the notion of armed revolt. And why not? United you stand, divided you fall! You shall declare the independent republic of Nithworp South, under your direction as a man of God!

The insurrection lasts twenty-three minutes, during which you (alongside every man, woman and child within 20 miles) are hung by the British military. The town of Nithworp South is burned to the ground, and due to a particularly spectacular royal gala occurring that very weekend, no mention of the uprising is made in any newspaper. Congratulations, you died a forgotten martyr!

GO BACK TO START.

 

 

15. YOU PREACH THE TRUTH OF GOD UPON THE TRAIN CARRIAGE, UNTIL A MAN OFFERS YOU SOME SORT OF POWDERED SEDATIVE.

You feel a little better. The angels leave your brain. (Go to part 11)

 

 

16. Due to your nonsense suggestion of ‘alleviating poverty’ your party begin to fear for your mental health. Your cranium is measured and you are found to be a lunatic. You are placed in one of the nation’s illustrious asylums, where you spend the rest of your days being electrocuted and eating nothing but pickled ham.

Could be worse.

GO BACK TO START.

 

 

17. THE WORLD IS UNRIGHTOUS, THE SINFUL PROWL THE STREETS AND WICKEDNESS LIVES IN MEN’S HEARTS. ONLY YOURSELF – AS AN ANGELIC BASTION OF THE SAVIOUR – CAN HELP CLEANS THIS CORRUPT AND FALLEN WORLD.

YOU EMBARK UPON AN EXPEDITION TO LONDON, THE CENTRE OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE AND THEREFORE CENTRE OF ALL NAUGHTINESS. YOU SHALL BE CROWNED A HOLY KING!

(Go to part 15)

 

 

18. Splendid! France shall pay for its being so relentlessly full of the French! The newspapers are behind you, and every party applauds your rousing speech to Parliament. France is caught in a cunning surprise attack on their northern coast, and not a single child is spared the glorious bayonets of the Empire! (Go to part 20)

 

 

19. Wonderful! You feel most rejuvenated! You throw a farthing at the sobbing prostitute and throw her out by the hair.

Now for a good old invasion of France! (Go to part 18)

 

 

20. Congratulations! You are quickly becoming a favourite of the Victorian age! The press and political elite adore you, and you are starting to catch the eye of the most chaste of dutchesses. You’re going to like it here!

COME BACK SATURDAY FOR ‘CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: GLORIOUS VICTORIAN EDITION PART II’

The post CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: GLORIOUS VICTORIAN EDITION (Part 1) appeared first on redjon.com.

Choose Your Own Adventure: Glorious Victorian Edition

So it seems that a lot of people enjoyed ‘Choose Your Own Adventure: Depressing Reality Edition’, but complained that it didn’t feature enough moustaches or child poverty. Well consider the matter rectified, as I present:

 

Choose Your Own Adventure: Glorious Victorian Edition

 

1. You’re heading into town to buy pain relief pills for your dying cat, when you notice something is amiss: the skies have darkened with smog, the corpses of starved children litter the street, and the prostitutes have unrealistically slender waists. There is a strong atmosphere of vigour and delusion. Congratulations, you’ve stumbled into Victorian Times!

a) Fuck. (Go to part 5)

b) If I walk down the street backwards, perhaps I’ll return to a less horrifying era. (Go to part 7)

c) Splendid! What an errant joy to be alive in such industrious times! (Go to part 3)

 

 

2. You take off your clothes, standing in the cold autumnal road with your genitals fully exposed. A local preacher accosts you and performs a street exorcism, before taking you to his residence to get warm. You sit in front of a warm fire sipping delicious cocoa. (Go to part 4)

 

 

3. That’s it! No use for sad thoughts or objective reasoning in such a wondrous place! But you need to fit the part: your soiled t-shirt and knock-off Adidas trainers are starting to arouse suspicion. If you are a woman (or hippy), you quickly shear off your hair using a shard of glass from the remains of a local Jewish storefront. You’ll fare much better passing as a gent!

Now, time for some Victorian dressware.

a) I believe I shall perambulate toward the nearest retailer in search of attire. (Go to part 6)

b) There’s no time! I shall beat a well-dressed beggar senseless and wear their clothes! The poor don’t need them! (Go to part 8)

c) Fuck, fuck it, I’m not playing along with this, the Victorian period was one of the bleakest ages in history and there’s no point in even trying. I’m going to get completely naked, seeing as anything I do will only result in my death anyhow. (Go to part 2)

 

 

4. Unfortunately he sneaks up from behind and decapitates you, selling your headless torso to a local medical establishment. Your heart winds up on display at the museum of natural sciences, whilst your soul is stored for all eternity in a haunted music box.

GO BACK TO THE START

 

 

5. Jolly bad show! Such negativity is unsuited to such a marvellous age! In fact, your well-founded pessimism is so out of keeping with the ‘can-do’, ‘can-enslave’ spirit of the Victorians that they mindlessly turn on you, forming a braying mob which quickly tears your body to pieces.

GO BACK TO START.

 

 

6. “Good day to you good sir,” says the well-mustachio’d retail man. “I assume you shall be wanting some fine attire to replace your soiled space-man clothes, do you not? Why not step into my back chambers, where we shall measure you up for the finest of garments?” (Go to part 4)

 

 

7. You begin your backwards walk, being careful not to trip over the myriad of cheerful beggars and discarded corsets. Perhaps this will work! You can hear bells! You can feel yourself returning to the 21st century, you can feel -

Unfortunately the bell belonged to a tram. Though the driver had plenty of time to halt his vehicle, your unkempt appearance and strange manners convinced him that he should increase the velocimetre and end your slovenly existence. He cheerfully wipes away pieces of your brain with an embroidered handkerchief.

GO BACK TO START.

 

 

8. Huzzah! The worthless street urchin lies in a bloodied pulp at your feet. Good thing you found that leaden pipe on the ground! You strip the battered corpse of its clothes and put them on, wiping the bloodstains away with your spit. You catch your reflection in a shop window. Dapper! Dapper indeed!

But you shall need some profession for your industrious new life!

a) A preacher! The Lord guides the Empire, after all! (Go to part 10)

b) A schoolteacher! Young minds need shaping! (Go to Part 13)

c) A politician! You shall whip the country into shape! (Go to part 11)

 

 

9. The public are a tiresome breed, always complaining about living in squalid conditions and working in dangerous mills. Or at least, they would be if you paid any sort of attention to them. Thankfully Parliament comes with some very high and spiky fences, and enough policemen to murder a whole village of Yorkshiremen. But you really should do something, you have a legacy to promote!

a) Create some sort of Welfare Bill, to provide for the needy. (Go to part 16)

b) Press for the invasion of France! The French cannot be tolerated! (Go to part 18)

c) No time for such things – you have had a tiring day and are in need of a strumpet! (Go to part 19)

 

 

10. The good Lord has guided you to a righteous path – or more precisely, to the path of the local vicarage. Due to your impressive credentials (you have the ability to both read and right) you are given a position in the Church right away, presiding over the small Parish of Nithworp South.

After some days the poverty of your Parish begins to unnerve you: the local charitable foundation ‘Ladies of Nithworp’s Honourable Relief of the Worthy Poor’ is only active once per year, when there is a sale of baked goods – an event which raises thruppence. You decide to take matters into your own hands, forming a non-conformist Church aimed at political reform toward the relief of the poor.

a) Splendid! I shall travel to Westminster to lobby Members of Parliament toward this end – I just need some coffers from the Pauper’s Relief Jar to fund my journey. (Go to part 11)

b) I shall stay in my Parish and do what I can for the poor souls here. I cannot abandon them at such a time! (Go to part 14)

c) THE LORD SPEAKS THROUGH ME ALONE. I MUST BE WORSHIPPED AS ONE OF HIS ANGELS (Go to part 17)

 

 

11. Upon arrival in London you make friends with Sir Alfred Kettle Prince Pennyworth, Esq., and make a firm bond based on your mutual admiration of steam engines. He promises to introduce you to the Empire’s political elite, and together you embark upon a series of increasingly costly luncheons and after-supper-meals, all funded via various sinister and nefarious means.

You begin to worry that you have been corrupted. But fear not, for Sir Alfred Kettle Prince Pennyworth, Esq. has made the proper connexions for your pursuit of politics. You are handed a rotten borough, and thanks to a thorough canvassing of its three (deceased) residents you are elected to Parliament! (Go to part 9)

 

 

13. You begin the worthy and noble work of educating the poor, working at one of the nation’s most impoverished Public Schools, attempting to teach 15 year-olds to write their own names. Though you meet with many disappointing failures, you do succeed in catching tuberculosis, and you are placed with little fanfare into a pauper’s grave.

The school is then made into a brothel. The students never leave.

GO BACK TO START.

 

 

14. Your increasing conviction that the Empire rests upon the backs of the poor leads you toward Marxist Socialist doctrines. In your Parish you find many allies, some of whom have been gathering arms. Though as a man of the cloth you abhor the use of violence to achieve your lofty aims, you become increasingly sympathetic to the notion of armed revolt. And why not? United you stand, divided you fall! You shall declare the independent republic of Nithworp South, under your direction as a man of God!

The insurrection lasts twenty-three minutes, during which you (alongside every man, woman and child within 20 miles) are hung by the British military. The town of Nithworp South is burned to the ground, and due to a particularly spectacular royal gala occurring that very weekend, no mention of the uprising is made in any newspaper. Congratulations, you died a forgotten martyr!

GO BACK TO START.

 

 

15. YOU PREACH THE TRUTH OF GOD UPON THE TRAIN CARRIAGE, UNTIL A MAN OFFERS YOU SOME SORT OF POWDERED SEDATIVE.

You feel a little better. The angels leave your brain. (Go to part 11)

 

 

16. Due to your nonsense suggestion of ‘alleviating poverty’ your party begin to fear for your mental health. Your cranium is measured and you are found to be a lunatic. You are placed in one of the nation’s illustrious asylums, where you spend the rest of your days being electrocuted and eating nothing but pickled ham.

Could be worse.

GO BACK TO START.

 

 

17. THE WORLD IS UNRIGHTOUS, THE SINFUL PROWL THE STREETS AND WICKEDNESS LIVES IN MEN’S HEARTS. ONLY YOURSELF – AS AN ANGELIC BASTION OF THE SAVIOUR – CAN HELP CLEANS THIS CORRUPT AND FALLEN WORLD.

YOU EMBARK UPON AN EXPEDITION TO LONDON, THE CENTRE OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE AND THEREFORE CENTRE OF ALL NAUGHTINESS. YOU SHALL BE CROWNED A HOLY KING!

(Go to part 15)

 

 

18. Splendid! France shall pay for its being so relentlessly full of the French! The newspapers are behind you, and every party applauds your rousing speech to Parliament. France is caught in a cunning surprise attack on their northern coast, and not a single child is spared the glorious bayonets of the Empire! (Go to part 20)

 

 

19. Wonderful! You feel most rejuvenated! You throw a farthing at the sobbing prostitute and throw her out by the hair.

Now for a good old invasion of France! (Go to part 18)

 

 

20. Congratulations! You are quickly becoming a favourite of the Victorian age! The press and political elite adore you, and you are starting to catch the eye of the most chaste of dutchesses. You’re going to like it here!

COME BACK SATURDAY FOR ‘CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: GLORIOUS VICTORIAN EDITION PART II’

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Build-A-Baby Workshop!

Babies are great, and everyone is having one – from Lily ‘Lily Allen’ Allen to Anne Boleyn. In fact, more than 1000 babies have been born since 1998, and even hospitals are catering for them now. Why not? They scream, they scream, they shit themselves, and they scream. Who wouldn’t want one?

Though I have previously created a your perfect squealing shit beast, it appears I may have jumped the gun. Many (most) people I know have either rendered themselves infertile by vacationing to Chernobyl/ practicing homosexuality, and don’t even have a baby to name.

But stop sucking on those pacifiers and weeping over stock pictures of other people’s photogenic children! For I have opened the world’s first ‘Build-A-Baby’ workshop, where you can create your very own ‘Frankenbaby’!

STEP ONE: Choose-A-Head!

Every baby needs a head, which they use for sucking, screaming, vomiting, and twisting around 360 degrees when they’re possessed by demons! But which head is right for you?

Here are the Build-A-’Baby’ Workshop we have over 12 heads for you to choose from, made by the very choicest of scientists. You can choose from plastic, vinyl, tin, lead, and ‘mystery material’. Each head comes with its very own set of teeth and gaping holes where eyes should be (CAUTION: inserting eyes into the head voids all warranties). Congratulations, you’re now parent to a skull!

 

STEP TWO: Choose-a-Heart

Hearts are important organs. According to my Bumper Book of Mormon Science, hearts are where the human soul is found! Without a heart, your baby could grow up to be bisexual, or an abortionist!

Build-A-Monster Workshop has 2 hearts to choose from: Evil and Probably Not Evil. Simply pick one from the ‘Heart Bin’. They’re made from real pigs! For only 12 eurocents more, you can bring in your own heart! We won’t ask any questions!

 

STEP THREE: Choose-Most-Everything-Else

Of course, as a ‘Doctor’ I am aware that babies are comprised of more than skulls and hearts. There are other important things, like appendixes, and extra hearts. Thankfully Build-A-JESUS-FUCKING-CHRIST-KILL-IT-KILL-IT Workshop we have most of the things needed to sustain infant life – from cotton wool lungs to chalk intestines. Simply visit the ‘Super-Silly-Fun-Organ-Kiosk’ to choose a free organ! (Additional organs charged at 180,000 Zelda-Rupees per kilo).

Please refrain from screaming in front of the Super-Silly-Fun-Organ-Kiosk.

 

STEP FOUR: Choose-A-Limb

Now, babies don’t really require limbs, as they do not move. However, they do make for fancy decorations, and serve as additional places to give them tattoos. But we here at Build-A-_____ Workshop are lightyears ahead of the game, and we stock all that future science has to offer: from wheels to propellers to spinning blades, there’s no reason your child need be lumbered with clumsy ‘arms’ and ‘legs’. Purchase before October 31st to gain 4 additional limbs for free! WHO’S WINNING NOW, SPIDERS?!

 

STEP FIVE: Skin

Finally, we have your choice of skin. We hear at ‘LOCATION CLOSED PENDING LEGAL INVESTIGATION’ Workshop embrace all of Mormon God’s races, and so you’re free to choose from white, pink, peach, or neon! You can also choose from a variety of fabrics, including lycra and muppet fur.

NEW: Our ‘cling film’ skin will really lower those doctors bills, now you can see all your child’s internal organs at a glance! It’s wipe-clean – forget about stains! Wrap food! Save on Halloween costumes!

And no horrifying skin conditions!

 

TAKE IT HOME, NEVER BRING IT BACK

There we have it! You now have a baby of your very own! Please bear in mind that the babies are dry-clean only, and take care not to leave them around real children, lest they inhabit their bodies and slaughter family pets. Do not sleep.

Never sleep.

Congratulations!

- Redfern

 

 

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Newsy stuff

OK, so I’ve been getting quite a bit done recently, and all I had to do was sacrifice daylight! It only gives you wrinkles anyway.

 

My latest feature article for Scifi Methods is out:

“I’m going to pick holes in something vital: tiny pieces of background information that should have no bearing on a sane person’s enjoyment of the film. Because I have an unhealthy interest in science fiction and far too much time on my hands.”

http://scifimethods.com/articles/5-weird-things-about-the-looper-future/335/

 

A guest post I wrote for October Poly Month has been published on Lor Rose’s blog:

“This is not what we do. This is who we are. And we’re not going anywhere.”

http://thelorofrose.blogspot.de/2012/10/do-polyamorous-relationships-work.html

 

My short story ‘Transaction’ can now be read online:

“There is no law but the law of transaction. All interaction is transaction.”

http://issuu.com/acappellazoo/docs/issue_9

 

Aside from that I’ve been working on the short story ‘Grey Grass’, an apocalyptic polyamorous romance, with illustrations by the artist Heather Purcell.

If you’re in Berlin take me for a drink! I need one…

- Redfern

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Tower of Lies: Buildings That Are Younger Than You Think

I make no secret of the fact that I’m a huuuuuge history nerd – some people even gave me a place to study it for 8 years, throughout which they kept giving me pieces of paper whilst making me wear increasingly weird robes and hats (I think it was a cult). Still, even though I am an Expert on Everything, some parts of history surprise even me.

Take wonders of the world – they”re all really old, right? The Great Wall of China, the Tower of London, Babel – all of them ancient, probably built right after we crawled out of the sea and started living in caves (anthropology!). But no – some of these historic landmarks are barely older than McDonald’s, and lie about their age more often than teenagers with fake IDs. For example…

 

STRUCTURE OF LIES # 1: THE TOWER OF BABEL

Yes, the Tower of Babel is from an obscure religious text (‘the Bible’) – but the tower itself is based on a real-world ziggurat which was located in Iraq – the Etemenaki. In the Bible Yahweh (aka ‘Jesus God’) destroys the tower as the cocky humans are getting too close to heaven, which is located in The Sky (quite low down apparently, as the Etemenaki was actually 7 stories tall).

The story must be ancient though – it’s back in the times of Angry Christgod, before he calmed down and became the hippy from the New Testament. That must be thousands of years ol… wait, nope, it as built in 560BC, and then destroyed by Alexander the Great in 323BC. It’s younger than Plato and Aristotle. It’s younger than democracy.

 

STRUCTURE OF LIES # 2: THE TOWER OF LONDON

The Tower of London has been there forever – it’s even mentioned in ‘The Mabinogion‘, the collection of ancient Celtic stories that predate Christianity. The Tower isn’t as old as that lying harlot, the Tower of Babel, but it’s got to have at least been built before England became Christian. It was even said that the head of Welsh god/hero Bran the Blessed was buried under the tower, and that the ravens there protect England from invasion. Hell, that legend is so old and well-established that Winston Churchill even ordered more ravens to be sent there during WW2.

(Canoes were WAY spikier and emptier back then)

 

But apparently all towers are pathological liars, as the tower is not only newer than Christian England – it’s even newer than the Battle of 1066 and the Norman conquest – in fact, it was built by William the Conqueror in 1078.  Oh, and the raven thing? Made up by the Victorians, those scamps.

 

STRUCTURE OF LIES # 3: TEMPLO MAYOR, TENOCHTITLAN

The Templo Mayor was the largest of the huge pyramid temples in the Aztec capital, Tenochtitlan. We primarily know it as the place where people had their hearts ripped out as human sacrifice (1000 hearts a day were needed to ensure the continual rising of the sun). Obviously this one is old – the Aztecs had been performing sacrifices atop their largest temple for centuries before the Spanish came and stopped the killing with yet more killing. Right?

Actually, the huge, iconic temple was completed in 1428 – only 64 years before that moron Columbus arrived in the Americas, and only 94 years before the Spanish tore it down. That’s barely enough time for the blood to dry.

 

STRUCTURE OF LIES # 4: THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA

When people think of iconic ancient wonders, the Great Wall of China is one of the first that springs to mind (as well as the colossal lie that it can be seen from space). That thing was probably built pretty quickly – in the game Civilization 4, the whole thing springs up from the ground in one go. It’s one of the largest, most impressive, and certainly oldest wonders of the world.

Except not. Though small walls were built from the 7th century BC, the wall we now and love today wasn’t completed until 1644. 1644 AD. It’s younger than flushing toilets.  Still, at least this has the most impressive construction timespan of any structure I’ve ever heard of – at 2300 years in the making, I’d let this one slide.

 

STRUCTURE OF LIES # 5: THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT

Good old Westminster. Home of the British parliament, Big Ben, and spectacular levels of corruption. Now this one is old – British democracy dates back to the days of King John and the Magna Carta in 1215, and the first English parliament was formed in 1295. The parliament building is actually the Palace of Westminster, built by the next-to-last Saxon king, Edward the Confessor almost a thousand years ago.

Almost. Though the original palace was built around 1050AD, it burned down in 1834. The Victorians then took their damned time, because the current building was actually completed in  1870. Which makes it newer than the White House. Almost 100 years newer. And they still didn’t make it big enough to fit all the MPs.

Right! Everyone onto each other’s laps!

 

So there you have it. Almost all of history is a lie, a deliberate lie to trick you and make you look stupid. The only reasonable course of action left is to burn every history book you find and torch a museum. Do it for justice. Do it for TRUTH.*

- Redfern

*You probably shouldn’t burn down a museum.

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CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: DEPRESSING REALITY EDITION

When I was younger choose your own adventure books were awesome – it didn’t matter that the choices were ridiculous or the writing banal, I got to make choices and therefore all was right with the world. Unfortunately, nothing I read as a child contributing toward making me a ‘Normal Person’, and so I present the following choose your own adventure, in the hope that it will help the next generation function normally.*

CAUTION: I HAVE NO CONCEPTION OF ORDINARY REALITY

So here we have it: Choose Your Own Adventure: Real Life Edition!

 

1. You wake up in the morning, slipping out of sleep and into the slow sense of dread at the terrible mundanity that is your life. Out the window (the curtain rail fell down and your ennui has prevented you from putting it back up) the sky is an endless grey. Your spouse has already left for work, leaving only sweat stains and lingering resentment. Mustering up your lingering reserves of willpower you:

a) Do some exercise! It will turn that frown upside-down! (go to part 4)

b) Eat a banana, it’s healthy and will lift your spirits! (go to part 3)

c) Light a cigarette, because fuck everything. (go to part 2)

 

2. The cigarette makes you feel worse. You make yourself a coffee and log on to facebook. All your friends have put up pictures of the boring food they are about to eat, which reminds you that you are hungry. There is nothing but an ashtray in the fridge. You go to the cupboard to find your spouse has poured cleaning fluid over the remaining loaf of bread out of pure spite. Do you:

a) Go to the store and do some grocery shopping! You can make a healthy breakfast and then set to work on a lovely meal for your spouse this evening. Rekindle that romance! Fix your life! (go to part 7)

b) Never mind, time to get to work! You’ve been far too lazy recently, and work will give you a sense of purpose again! (go to part 10)

c) Slump to the floor. (go to part 5)

 

3. Mmmmmm, lovely banana! This is making you feel great! And it feels so good going in your mouth! You eat it slowly, eyes closed, savouring the banana-y flavour. (go to part 8)

 

4. You start with some star-jumps. Up, down, up down, wheeeee! This is actually fun! You’re starting to feel better already! (go to part 8)

 

5. The floor is filthy. Your face sticks to the lino, and only your tears manage to unstick you again. You have another cigarette whilst staring at the underside of the kitchen table. A mouse crawls into your hair. (go to part 9)

 

7. Wonderful! Look at all the lovely fruit and veg you just bought! You can make your spouse something wonderful tonight, and maybe even surprise them in the bedroom! First though, time for a nice bath to wash away the remaining traces of your despair. (go to part 8)

 

8. Unfortunately you realise that you’re standing in front of your window naked, and next door’s children are outside watching. The local neighbourhood watch telephones the police, who immediately arrest you. You are ‘named and shamed’ by the tabloid press, and murdered by vigilantes on the way to court. Everyone you ever knew forever denies having had any contact with you, and the last mention of your name takes place six months and three days after your death.

THE END

 

9. The doorbell! The doorbell rings! You have a visitor! Oh, it’s only the postman. But perhaps you have post from a dear friend? Oh, no, it’s just campaign literature for the Conservative Party. You spend several hours waiting by the door for the postman to return, occasionally peering through the letter box at unwitting passers-by. You envy each and every one of them.

a) This is ridiculous! Life isn’t so dismal! I want to go outside and talk to these people! We’re in charge of our own destinies! (go to part 12)

b) This is insane, I might as well be watching through the window, it’s got a better view than the letter box (go to part 8)

c) Shout through the letter box at them! How dare they look so happy?! (go to part 11)

 

10. You open up your laptop. Time to get going on that Big Company Presentation! You’re a business superperson! And you just downloaded 1000 exciting clipart images from the internet. Unfortunately every single one contained a virus, and your computer dies, but not before the virus sends hate speech to your boss. You slump to the floor. (go to part 5)

 

11. “BASTARDS! COCK BASTARDS!” you shout as people hurry past. Eventually you wear yourself out and fall asleep. You wake up to find the door being bashed against your head. Someone is trying to open it! It’s your spouse, home from a day at the office!

a) Great! This is it, no more marital stress, let’s just head straight for the bedroom! You can do a sexy dance for them and really ignite your sex life (go to part 8)

b) Try to start a conversation! A good talk will always help things. (go to part 14)

c) Move over a few inches so he can get through the door, but keep lying on the floor of the hallway and refuse to acknowledge their presence. (go to part 13)

 

12. First up, you’ll need to put on some clothes! Something bright and cheery! You head up to the wardrobe in your bedroom (go to part 8)

 

13. Your spouse goes to watch TV for the evening. If he is a man, he is watching The Football. He she is a woman, she is watching The Soap Opera. If they are neither, they are watching gardening programmes. Do you:

a) Join them! Marital unity is important. (go to part 15)

b) Give them some space – they must be tired from work! Go to the cupboard and have another good cry (go to part 15)

c) Punch the cat. (go to part 15)

 

14. You attempt witty repartee, but your spouse spits in your face and heads to the television set. (go to part 13)

 

15. Your partner fails to notice that you are alive. You present them with a pallid grey microwave dinner, eating yours whilst sitting on the toilet so as not to make eye contact. Eventually you hear them go to bed, but you wait until they’re snoring before sneaking in beside them and helping yourself to a half bottle of whiskey, drinking it alone in the dark until you pass out.

THE END (to play the next day, go to part 1)

 

 

CONGRATULATIONS! You have lived a day in the life of a normal person! Repeat until the grave.

Have fun!

- Redfern

 

*I have no intention of helping anyone, with anything, ever.

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Wanted: Stalker to steal toothbrushes

LOCATION: My home, workplace, local park(s)

TASKS: Stealing my toothbrushes, following me, leaving me (romantic?) notes

PAY: Toothbrushes

I am searching for a tall human to be my Personal Self-esteem Promoter (“stalker”). Must have own car/rollerblades, night vision equipment, and teeth. Good penmanship essential. Duties include standing outside my bedroom window (shifts no less than 18 hours), making phone calls (silent; heavy breathing), and murdering my friends to prove your devotion.

Candidates must have a positive, go-getting attitude, with absolutely no conception of boundaries. Preferably several different outfits so can act in the guise of multiple Fame-Simulating Assistants (“peeping toms”). No prior experience necessary, though priority will be given to candidates from the following fields: butchers, abattoir assistants, call centre operatives.

CANDIDATES MUST NOT SUMMON DEMONS OR REANIMATE THE DEAD

If you are interested in the position, please stand outside my kitchen window singing songs by The Police backwards. Wilted flowers essential.

- FAMOUS WRITER Redfern