Redfern Jon Barrett's Blog, page 13

THE SCI-FI SEXUAL PRIORITIES LIST

I’ve been thinking about how frequently science fiction involves human-alien (bestophile) sex, but not god old same-sex shagging, and how many messed up priorities that implies. Examples include Avatar, District 9 (which has damn sexy crustaceans….), Species, Cocoon, Men in Black II, Babylon 5, Star Trek, Star Wars, and about a billion others.

Now, far be it from me to be a massive prude (and may Pan’s furry goat cock forgive me), but despite being a massive homo I would have sex with women long before I had sex with giant cats, or prawns, or lizards – no matter how intelligent they were, or how toned their frightening furry abs. So why so much scaly-genitals action, and so little homo-lovin’?

As a result I have created a SCI-FI SEXUAL PRIORITIES LIST, which every sane human should cut out and stick to their fridge, to consult in case of alien invasion. Here goes:

1. Human beings of your preferred gender(s).

2. Human beings of your non-preferred gender(s).

3. Aliens that look exactly like human beings, but have weird alien teeth/organs/eyes.

This is where the list should stop for any sane, non-methed-up individual, but as we’re on the internet I’m going to continue.

4. Ghosts.

5. Robots that look like human beings.

6. Aliens that look something like human beings but are giant/miniature/have fur all over their bodies.

7. Aliens that do not look like human beings, but have human-levels of intellect and can therefore consent to your perverted actions.

8. The Thundercats.

9. Robots that do not look like human beings.

10. Alien species without human reasoning powers or any means of consent (basically animals from another planet) but are still mammalian in nature.

11. Giant alien insects.

12. Sticky primordial slime with low-level consciousness.

13. Rocks.

14. THE CAT PEOPLE FROM AVATAR / ANY SPECIES THAT HAS SEX BY ENTWINING HAIR

15. Asteroid mining equipment.

Remember, I bear absolutely no responsibility for impalements/genital discolourations/grossed-outness as a result of consulting this list.

Also, Vulcans are kind of hot.

- Redfern

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KILL ALL MARIJUANA-SMOKING, FAKE-ID USING COMMUNISTS: Twitter and Capital Punishment

As at least 6 of you know, I am on The Twitter. Whilst I’ve had a wonderful time looking at pictures of what people have for lunch and hearing about traffic in cities I will never visit whilst I still maintain some semblance of free will, there are some things on there that are genuinely disturbing.

Now, call me a killjoy, but I’m not the world’s number one fan of having the governments kill people – even though they seem to really enjoy it. Even if I did sustain some sort of massive head trauma and suddenly thought that the state deciding who lives and who dies were a good idea, I would probably still limit it to mass murder and terrorist atrocities.

But what if you genuinely hate human beings and want there to be far, far fewer of them? Thankfully, many wonderful people on Twitter are more open-minded than myself, and decided that the following crimes are worthy of death:

(note: all of these are from the single hashtag #bringbackhanging, and so are generally limited to the UK)

Taking drugs. Especially marijuana. (@chained)

In fairness this one is something of a masterstroke. @chained has clearly recognised the problems of overpopulation, and has  thus elected to immediately eliminate a good third of the population. In his own words, “Drugs cause mental illness” – so we’d better preserve your mental health by permanently ceasing all brain activity!

Being in prison. (@bennyboi_; @xchloexlaylax; @peter_rhoden; @MrsJenCrow)

I know quite a few anarchist individuals who firmly believe in the abolition of jails, but this is a new take on the idea. Personally I can’t wait until people are executed for video piracy – it’ll certainly make a good dent in the population left alive by @chained’s thoughtful suggestion.

Having been accused of paedophilia. (@KatieeStokess; @scottrichbell;  @adsleigh81; @bethanwxx; @beckys_boo; too many others to list)

Now this is a good one. I have quite a few people I would like to get rid off by judicial homicide, and this would make it as easy as a single terrible, slanderous lie.

Petty theft whilst on drugs. (@chained again)

I have to start questioning @chained’s previously spotless judgement here, seeing as everyone who has ever taken drugs is already dead. This policy would kill 0 people, and I think we can all agree that a zero mortality rate is a sign of failure.

Being a Communist. (@UKJRF)

I like this retro suggestion from UKJRF. Sometimes we all miss a bit of Franco-inspired mass murder of an entire political wing. #bringbackthe1930s

Touching yourself in public (@squidworm74)

Now I don’t know anyone who masturbates in front of frightened bystanders in public areas, so at first glance this would affect absolutely nobody I know – but does this include scratching yourself? Rearranging genitals painfully trapped inside overly-tight H&M boxer shorts? Urinating? I can only thank @squidworm74 for this potentially decimating suggestion.

Making a fake ID (@chained returns!)

@chained is back on top form with his ruthless slaughter of teenagers out to get a cheap buzz in a public park. Why just apply this to identification? Why not bring back hanging for all errors on government documents, deliberate or otherwise?

Animal cruelty, when the perpetrator is 8 years old. (@jpands)

Now I usually take a moderately hostile stance on torturing animals, but @jpand’s ‘let’s murder children too!’ suggestion is a stroke of genius, especially when combined with the ever-popular ‘kill child killers’ idea – we could make an infinite loop of death! No-one shall survive!

And my personal favourite:

Being against capital punishment (@Badger5000)

Inspired.

So inspiring I’ve been making suggestions of my own:

@redfernjon: The other day I saw two children trying to share the same swing, in a flagrant abuse of playground equipment. #bringbackhanging

@redfernjon: This week I saw an elderly lady forget her bus pass, but the driver let her on anyway! NO RESPECT FOR THE RULE OF LAW #bringbackhanging

With any luck there will be precisely six people left alive by the end of the year. Mother Earth shall be saved yet!

- Redfern

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CHOOSE-YOUR-OWN-ADVENTURE DEPRESSING REAL LIFE EDITION: GROCERY SHOPPING

Welcome to another exciting CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE DEPRESSING REAL LIFE EDITION. Whereas last time involved just getting through the day, this week we have a special challenge: lack of food in the house has necessitated the purchasing of groceries!

Will you survive, or wind up being murdered inside a Blockbuster Video? Only one way to find out!

 

—

1. You find yourself gradually and pleasantly waking up – the sun is shining through the gap in the curtains and you can feel the warmth on your skin. Everything seems so cozy and pleasant that for a blissful 13 seconds you are unaware that you are you.

Then you wake up to find that your husband has murdered a baby bird and left it on your pillow.

But never mind! Today is grocery shopping day – the one day of the week when you can be surrounded by people. You can pretend you’re at a shopping-cart-themed fancy dress party! Or an elegant basket soirée! You flick the bird carcass into one of your husband’s slippers and get up to face the day. Nothing can ruin this excitement!

But what to do first?

a) Kick on those heels and head straight into town! No time to lose! (go to part 3)

b) You have to eat something first. Or at least have cold coffee and a smoke (go to part 4)

c) Why are you fooling yourself again? This day is going to be just like any other – the people in the supermarket aren’t your friends, you lost all your friends after you did that blackface karaoke act and got into the newspapers. Face it, there’s no point even leaving bed any more (go to part 5)

 

 

2. Something with this Blockbuster Video is… wrong. Where are all the videotapes? And stoned workers? The shelves are bare, aside from a lone copy of Adam Sandler’s shitflick The Wedding Singer. You walk up to the shelf and pick it up.

An alarm sounds, and before you have chance to run you are surrounded by aggressive street punks on motorbikes. They bind you in chains and bring you to the anarchist king, who instantly declares you guilty of being from the Outside and passes the lenient verdict of death by cannibalism.

“Look!” you scream, “A poorly-written opinion piece on how income tax is the highest form of oppression!”

The salivating Bakuninists are distracted just long enough for you to make your escape. (go to part 9)

 

 

3. You put on your sexiest high heels and head straight out the door. You don’t even care that you’re still in your filthy yellow underwear! Hello postman! Hello cats! Hello -

You stumble and impale your skull on one of the decorative tribal spears your neighbour has placed about his garden, the last thought going through your head being how you detest both postal workers and cats.

And life.

GO BACK TO START

 

 

4. There’s still some coffee in the pot! Perhaps your husband does love you after all! Perhaps your marriage can be saved! You take a big slurp straight from the pot, thinking of your thoughtful -

It’s paint thinner and brown food colouring (again). How does he manage to trick you every single week?

You spend three hours dry heaving, trying to chase the terrifying hallucinations from your vision. At last it’s time to go shopping! (go to part 7)

 

 

5. You lie in bed wishing the hours away, the filthy, crusted sheets biting into your skin like velcro. But wait, what’s that? It’s the children! Your children have returned!

Nope, it’s just your husband home for his lunch break, waving the photos of your fostered children in front of your face in an attempt to make you end it all. But you’ll show him! No more lying around in bed waiting for the bedsores to get infected! (go to part 7)

 

 

6. The desperate TGI Friday’s workers claw at you the second you come in the doorway, a feral glaze clouding their eyes.

“Outsider,” they cry, marvelling at your non-ridiculous clothes and lack of fried food stench. You grow increasingly disconcerted as they claw at you, rubbing their hands and then tongues over your arms.

“So clean,” one cries, “So fresh.”

You try to run for the door but they are already on top of you, pawing at your skin and hair with their greasy hands. You reach out your arm, making one last desperate grab for daylight, but you are quickly overwhelmed.

Pieces of your skin are added to their uniforms.

GO BACK TO START.

 

 

7. You arrive at the giant out-of-town retail park, being careful to avoid the used syringes and shards of glass hurled by mischievous children. The sky is grey with smoke from a nearby burning car. You wander through the car park with your attack alarm in hand, marvelling at the number of dead seagulls on the ground. You feel like you’re shopping in the boutiques of Milan! Surely there’s some time for browsing?

a) Sure! Why not head to Blockbuster Video? It’s been a while since you looked at some good DVD cases! (go to part 2)

b) Absolutely! The smell from that TGI Friday’s is heavenly! (go to part 6)

c) No – you don’t need any distractions. Going to the supermarket is excitement enough for one day, thank you very much! (go to part 9)

 

 

8. Dang and blast! You’ve finally contracted scurvy! You’d better find some lemons, and fast!

a) To the fruit aisle! (go to part 14)

b) To the cleaning product aisle! (go to part 16)

 

 

9. Ahhh, the supermarket. Angry red-faced mothers screaming at irritable children, dejected office workers buying limp horsemeat sandwiches, and creepy old men loitering by the magazine racks. This truly is your spiritual home.

But don’t let the glamour overwhelm you! What to buy? What to buy?

a) A magazine! I’ve got to learn all the celebrity goss! (go to part 12)

b) Potatoes! Good old, salt-of-the-earth potatoes (go to part 13)

c) Buy? With money? What nonsense! All I have in my pockets are some buttons and used gum I found at the bus stop (go to part 11)

 

 

10. You reach the checkout with your single potato. The bored woman operating the till gives you a surly glance before spitting her gum at you. It gets tangled in your hair.

But never mind! You did it! You’ve done your grocery shopping for the week. But how will you celebrate?

a) With a slap-up meal from TGI Friday’s, of course! (go to part 6).

b) The shopping was exciting enough, thank you very much (go to part 17).

 

 

11. Sensing your lack of financial solvency, the security guard follows you around the supermarket. Pick up a lovely dead fish, he’s there. Rifle through cauliflowers, he’s there. Urinate in the bakery department, he’s – oh shit, he’s chasing you. Run!

You desperately try to pull your pants up as you waddle away, trailing urine. It’s not your fault the toilets are so hard to find! You upturn a box of apples, causing the security guard to trip and shatter his skull on the corner of a chest freezer, his eyes staring lifelessly up at you as crimson blood slowly fills the aisle.

Well, that’s that problem solved! You rifle through his pockets, discovering that upon death he has voided his bowels. And he had the cheek to chase you for having a little wee by the baguettes! Oh well, you find 57 cents in change. Time to buy something!

a) All that excitement has got my brain buzzing! I could really do with a lovely magazine to read! (go to part 12)

b) I really burned some fat with that running! Some lovely chips would do nicely (go to part 13)

 

 

12. You sidle up to the magazines. There are so many choices your head begins to spin! There are a dozen magazines dedicated to tractors alone! And 37 to carp fishing!

“Need a hand?” a man who smells like cheap whiskey asks. “I know all the magazines, I do.”

You’re about to reject his kind offer when you notice he has the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen.

“Fancy a nip?” he asks, holding a hip flask toward you. “I made it myself from the ex-wife’s nail varnish and Worcester sauce.”

His smile is just dreamy! And you can’t help but notice he said ‘ex’ wife! You take a sip of his seductive ambrosia, and before you know it your lips are locked to his, the thin film of sick around his mouth binding you together. You’re instantly married beneath the bridal magazines and decide to start a family by the newspapers. With all this reading material your children will grow up to be geniuses! Or porn stars, depending on which shelves they read.

Either way you found true love!

THE END

 

 

13. Nothing like good old spuds! You decide to try a small sample, taking a bite from one of the potatoes. But urgh! What’s that inside?!

a) One of your own teeth (go to part 8)

b) A colony of spiders (go to part 15)

c) More potato (go to part 10)

 

 

14. The fruit aisle has been replaced by an all-you-can-drink chocolate sundae fountain. You dive in, swallowing as much liquidised chocolate sundae as you can in the vain hope that there might be fruit pieces bobbing about inside. There aren’t.

Three weeks later a young, previously-untraumatised family find your bloated corpse blocking the fountain’s outflow pump. Your body is mistaken for that of a particularly large and unnatractive dog, and the lack of any government regulation whatsoever means that the supermarket quickly process you into hamburgers.

Which is more than you ever would have achieved had you lived.

You’re a success!

THE END

 

 

15. You run about the supermarket in a frightened daze, spiders hatching from eggs between your teeth and spilling out of your mouth. You are stared at by your fellow patrons in utter dismay. Eventually you manage to mash enough of the spiders between your teeth to breathe properly.

Better try another potato (go to part 13).

 

 

16. You swallow everything you can find in the cleaning products section – lemon furniture polish, dishwashing liquids, floor soap – until you’re foaming at the mouth like some sort of rabid Frenchman. But hurrah! There must have been the tiniest amount of lemon in there somewhere, as your scurvy is cured!

Now you just have to deal with the crippling stomach pain.

You take the single potato to the supermarket checkout (go to part 10)

 

 

17. You arrive home to find that your husband has already drunk a whole bottle of budget German liqueur and has passed out with his face gently melting into the stove. Glad to have to time to yourself, you fail to check if he is still breathing. Instead you go into the living room to snuggle up on the sofa in front of your favourite soaps, with a lovely potato to snack on.

A good day!

THE END

 

—

So you’ve navigated the supermarket and probably made it out alive! Join us next week when you attempt to post a letter, only to be accosted by migrant workers trying to force you into a visa marriage!

- Redfern

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INTERLUDE

From: Redfern “Boss Boss” Barrett

To: [RedcorpEmployees_All]

SUBJECT: EMPLOYEE PARKING

 

Dear Employees,

It has come to the attention of management that several of you have complaints regarding the company parking situation. Firstly, I would like to refer all employees to the binding non-disclosure agreement signed upon your arrival with the firm, and would firmly remind everyone of the severe legal and physical penalties of going to the press. That being said, I will deal with the various complaints issue-by-issue.

1. “My car keeps going missing.”

Redcorp would like to make it clear to all personnel that everything on company property is the property of the corporation, including (but not limited to) vehicles, pens, and souls. It should also be borne in mind that over 20% of cars are returned within the month, in almost total intact condition.

2. “There is only one parking space.”

In order to increase productivity and to prevent “lazy” employees from arriving late, Redcorp has reached the decision to limit the amount of parking spaces on the compound, in order to encourage “early rises” and to penalise “scum arriving after 6am”. If you’re worried about missing out on a parking space, try skipping breakfast, or communicating with family members.

3. “The CEO has threatened my spouse on numerous occasions with a firearm.”

Redcorp would like to make it clear that it does not support marriage or human contact outside of the workplace. Management also reserve the right to “make sexual advances toward” all employee’s partners, whom we consider part of the Redcorp “family”. Unfortunately many of the firm’s family members do not have the appropriate “team spirit”, and therefore may find themselves forced to wrap their mouths around the barrel of a handgun. We remind all employees that there is no “I have exclusive rights to my spouse” in “team.”

We hope that this clears up some of your concerns. If any employees have further complaints, please report to MEAT PROCESSING UNIT B and make your situation clear to the guards.

Yours in Redcorp,

Lord Redfern J. Barrett, CEO

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SING-A-LONG WITH REDFERN PRESENTS: “KNIFE FIGHT”

As you may remember, I am now a writer of exciting love songs. Whilst most of the industry is content to write about ‘marriage’ and ‘pump your booty’, I have made it my mission to write about the most romantic, charming situations two (to twelve) human beings can find themselves in.

With that I proudly present to you: Knife Fight, by Redfern “Love Doesn’t Run” Barrett.

 

***

Babe you know I love you

But there’s nothing now you can do

You burned dinner again

And now I’m seeing red

Seeing red.

Don’t say sorry

I won’t let you hold me.

This rage will swell and swell

You better arm yourself.

Arm yourself.

You and I

Let’s have a knife fight.

Knife fight

Knife fight

Oh baby it feels right

Feels right

Knife fight

Don’t run from love tonight

Tonight

Tonight

It’s time for our knife fight

Knife fight

That’s right.

Running to the drawer

Tripping you to the floor.

I got me the bread knife

I’ll be keeping my life.

My life

Bread knife.

Don’t say sorry

Don’t reach into your pocket.

There’s no phones in our game

That’s not how we play.

We play.

You and I

Let’s have a knife fight

Knife fight

Knife fight

Oh baby it feels right

Feels right -

Wait, what’s that in your hand?

You know I don’t understand.

When did you buy a flick knife?

Flick knife

This was to be a surprise

Surprise

Tonight.

We are stars in the sky

You know we can fly.

I’ll shine right next to you

And I know you will too.

Will too.

And now we’ve gone too far

Words aren’t enough any more.

With the sweet voice of the blade

Our bright love cannot face

Never fade.

Such rage.

Love is right next to hate

Knife fight

Knife fight

There’s nothing left to be saved

Tonight

Bread knife

I spit right into your eyes

Your eyes

Surprise

I thrust with my bread knife

Bread knife

Too right

The floor’s getting sticky

Knife fight

Up tight

And my neck is dripping

Knife fight

Outta sight

I think you have beat me

Tonight

Shine bright

And now I am sleepy

Feels right

Knife fight.

***

POSTSCRIPT CAUTION: THIS SONG WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY CAUSE YOU TO FALL HOPELESSLY IN LOVE WITH ME. I WILL ACCEPT OFFERS OR MARRIAGE FROM THE FOLLOWING:

The wealthy
The quite wealthy
The not poor
Some of the poor
Clowns
Lawyers who fight against human rights lawyers on behalf of massive corporations/ corrupt brutalist governments
Mer-people

THE ENGAGEMENT RING MUST BE WORTH AT LEAST THE COST OF AN iPOD SHUFFLE.

- Redfern

 

 

 

 

 

 

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HOUSESPOUSE CORNER: Gardening Away Your Darkest Fears

Snows melt, the winds warm, and the Co-op are now refusing to sell you whiskey on “humanitarian” grounds. Yes, spring is coming and soon the world will be coming alive with plants, flowers, and supermarket security escorting you from the premises. Sure, the melting snow will reveal the beer cans and rusted car parts that make up your front lawn – but never fear! Housespouse Corner is here to assist you in all your gardening needs. That’ll show your ex-wife! Or at least it would if she hadn’t moved to Australia with the kids! And your dreams!

 

Step One

It’s been winter for too damn long. Get an extension chord and start melting the snow with your ex-wife’s hairdryer. Why are the neighbour kids staring? Shout at them!

 

Step Two

This is thirsty work! You need a breakfast beer. Drop the hairdryer into the snow to go get one.

 

Step Three

Out of breakfast beer. Drink the ex-wife’s perfume you’ve been saving for a special occasion.

 

Step Four

Black out (3 hours).

 

Step Five

Retrieve hairdryer from snow. Turn on. Receive substantial electric shock. Black out (2 hours).

 

Step Six

Now it’s time to plant some seeds. Soon your garden will burst with colour and the vitality of spring. Head to the local organic shop in search of sunflower seeds.

 

Step Seven

Purchase sunflower seeds (salted).

 

Step Eight

Drop sunflower seeds down the drain as you search for change for the bus home. Curse. Purchase lunchtime beer with bus fare.

 

Step Nine

Walk home (5 hours).

 

Step Ten

That garden has some nice shrubbery – nice enough for a call centre worker, or part-time receptionist! Dig up the plants using your bare hands.

 

Step Eleven

Speak with angry homeowner. Compliment his plants. Run.

 

Step Twelve

A police car pulls up. Two officers confront you. Act respectable (less drunk; un-urinated).

 

Step Thirteen

That one looks like a gay – this could be your way out! Make a kiss on him (tongues).

 

Step Fourteen

Prison cell.

 

Step Fifteen

Gentle sobbing (twelve hours).

 

Step Sixteen

Try to envisage the garden that’s right for you – would you like a modern style, with Japanese-style decking and a koi pond? Or would you rather that traditional look, with a perfectly-trimmed lawn edged with roses? Your garden should reflect your personality to the world.

 

Step Seventeen

Clog the prison toilet.

 

Step Eighteen

Government cuts have closed the prison, and you’re set free. Return home to till the soil – freshly tilled soil will be a perfect environment for your new plants. Get in touch with the earth by feeling it with your hands.

 

Step Nineteen

Can’t find a garden fork. Or trowel. Use a spoon.

 

Step Twenty

The neighbour kids are laughing again. Hurl rock.

 

Step Twenty-One

That’s a lot of blood. Gardening will have to wait – you’ll be hiding indoors for the next few months. They can’t find you if you don’t leave your bed!

 

So there we have it, a perfectly manicured garden! Whether contemporary or traditional, your garden is a tribute to your lifestyle – and perfect for those long summer days and evening barbecues! Don’t answer the door, the police never want to “just talk”. Start boiling the kettle – your bedroom window is right above them! Your home is your castle, and must be defended!

Join us next week when we’ll learn how to make origami swans out of photos of your children. Happy housespousing!

- Redfern

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NEVER-ENDING NEWS

So life goes on (by ‘life’ I mean blacking out and coming to in shopping malls clutching a carrier bag filled with dead plants). Here’s what’s been going on this week:

‘Transaction’, the grim short story set in a world where every interaction is governed by financial transfer, is being reprinted for A Cappella Zoo’s special 5 year anniversary ’best of’ edition, coming out Spring 2013.
My latest article ‘NEW PORT CITY vs. NEO-TOKYO: Akira, Ghost in the Shell, and Moving To A Japanese Dystopia’ is now up on Scifi Methods and has been doing well on reddit (click here to see all my articles for SF Methods).
The total redraft of my upcoming polyamorous rom-com The Giddy Death of the Gays and the Strange Demise of Straights is half-way compete.
I should also mention that TransBareAll have made a wonderful response to the shockingly transphobic Observer article by Julie Burchill (I contributed as a mostly-cis male and trans ally). See the video here .
I didn’t push anyone onto the subway tracks this week.

Hopefully the comments section of this blog can be put back up soon – we may have found a decent spam filter which means I won’t be getting adverts for hot fashions 20 times a day.

And this is what I was doing one year ago (I shall return to acting when I find more roles that allow me to wear nothing but a loincloth – photo by director/ filmmaker Lewis Lloyd).

For further news, camp outside my house and follow me to work.

- Redfern

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REDFERN WRITES A ROMANTIC

As you may remember, I hate all music, without exception. However, in my crusade against the evils of the music industry, I have written a heartfelt romantic song, based on true experience. It doesn’t have a tune, artist, or talent (yet!) but I hope it brings love into your life.

(NOTE TO SONY ENTERTAINMENT: I WILL WORK FOR WARM GLANCES AND SHORT REMARKS OF APPROVAL)

***

As the sun burns in the sky

I let out a gentle sigh.

You know this picnic is nice

I only eat boiled rice.

I told you this line is closed

It’s quieter than by the road.

We’ll take pictures with instagram

You’ll always be my man.

 

I’m lyin’ on train tracks

It’s dead romantic

I’m lyin’ on train tracks

And feeling manic

I’m lyin’ on train tracks

You picked me flowers

I’m lyin’ on train tracks

Let’s stay for hours

 

As birds whirl by overhead

I feed you butter and bread.

I giggle and kiss your nose

Stop asking if the line is closed.

Let’s drink ALDI lemonade

Sitting in the quiet shade.

I propose a long heartfelt toast

Silence! I said the line is closed.

 

I’m lyin’ on train tracks

I know what I said

I’m lyin’ on train tracks

Forgot my meds

I’m lyin’ on train tracks

I look into your eyes

Lyin’ on train tracks

I think we’re gonna die

 

I’m sorry I tied you down

But there is no leavin’ now.

No runnin’ to other girls

Stop screamin’ – you’re my world.

I’ll be here right next to you

There’s nothing that you can do.

Your heart is beating with mine

Till the train at 10:59.

 

I’m lyin’ on train tracks

It’s dead romantic

I’m lyin’ on train tracks

You’re looking frantic

I’m lyin’ on train tracks

Here comes the choo-choo

I’m lyin’ on train tracks

And I love you-hoo

 

I’m lyin’ on train tracks

Shit, this is insane

I’m lyin’ on train tracks

I hear the train

I’m lyin’ on train tracks

Look, I’d better go

I’m lyin’ on train tracks

You know I love you so

 

I love you so.

***

I TOLD YOU I UNDERSTOOD HUMAN ROMANCE. Can’t wait to make my first million! :D

- Redfern

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NEWS

After a 2 week break I’m back into the mentally-damaging maelstrom of writing 6 days a week. Here is the first news of 2013:

‘Forget Yourself’ is available for free today on the Amazon store.
‘Witches: Hunted, Appropriated, Empowered, Queered’ (which features a chapter I wrote in conjunction with LW, Patrick Staff, and Olivia Plender) is now available: http://www.editions-b42.com/books/sorcieres/
The total redraft of ‘The Giddy Death of the Gays and the Strange Demise of Straights’, a queer polyamorous love story with sci-fi bits, is coming along well and should be complete in a couple of months.
I’m mentioned on the ‘Pagan Days’ site: http://paper.li/amynluv/1299892999

All good so far, so it probably is for the best that the world didn’t end yet. Wait for August 2015 my children! The angels shall descend and cleanse humanity! This time it’s REAL!

- Redfern

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GUEST POST: DIARY OF A STRAIGHT PERSON

Like all homosexuals I have never actually spoken to a straight person. Sometimes I gaze at the night sky and wonder at the mystery of the heterosexual world. Thankfully ‘Mork Manton’ has written the totally accurate, totally heterosexual guest post ‘Diary of a Straight Person’, in order to enlighten us lesser beings on the average day for a regular straight bloke. Enjoy.

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Fucking finally got permission from the missus to get the lads together. Me and Steve and Kyle went for a curry but Kyle was late cos he forgot to put petrol in his car. Fucking idiot left me and Steve alone for an hour. We ordered two pints of Kingfisher which glistened at each other mischievously as they travelled from hand to mouth.

Kyle finally got here and we ordered our curries. Me and Steve got a Madras and Kyle said he’d have the one that’s one spicier than a Vindaloo that they don’t even put on the menu cos it’s so spicy. Ours were fucking delicious but Kyle took one bite of his and chucked his beer over his face and downed the jug of water on the table. It was fucking HILARIOUS. He had a couple more bites and did it again, then he went to the toilet to stick his mouth under the tap. He had the shits all night. So I was left alone with Steve again as we finished our curries and a naan carelessly torn in half, our mouths burning up from the fire but savouring the sweet taste.

After the curry we called up Gary and went round to his cos his bird was out. We asked Gary if she’s still barking or if he’s taken her to be put down already. We had a few more at his and got shitfaced. Gary had to go upstairs to sort out a deal and Kyle passed out. I asked Steve, “You know what would be fucking HILARIOUS? If you wanked me off and I came on Kyle’s face.” So we did it. Steve moved rapidly from gentle tug to a mighty pull, his eyes widening as the machine-like hand jerked and jerked. I thought maybe he should be slower, but there was no time. This was urgent. An emergency. And when the emergency came to its climax I draped Kyle in the hot, wet mess and it gently slid into to the contours of his face. Steve and I and walked back to our separate spots on each end of the sofa and looked at each other and grinned, like we’d just saved the life of someone blissfully unaware they’re in any danger.

And then Kyle woke up and was like “Who the fuck came on my face?” It was fucking HILARIOUS.

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