CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: DEPRESSING REALITY EDITION

When I was younger choose your own adventure books were awesome – it didn’t matter that the choices were ridiculous or the writing banal, I got to make choices and therefore all was right with the world. Unfortunately, nothing I read as a child contributing toward making me a ‘Normal Person’, and so I present the following choose your own adventure, in the hope that it will help the next generation function normally.*

CAUTION: I HAVE NO CONCEPTION OF ORDINARY REALITY

So here we have it: Choose Your Own Adventure: Real Life Edition!

 

1. You wake up in the morning, slipping out of sleep and into the slow sense of dread at the terrible mundanity that is your life. Out the window (the curtain rail fell down and your ennui has prevented you from putting it back up) the sky is an endless grey. Your spouse has already left for work, leaving only sweat stains and lingering resentment. Mustering up your lingering reserves of willpower you:

a) Do some exercise! It will turn that frown upside-down! (go to part 4)

b) Eat a banana, it’s healthy and will lift your spirits! (go to part 3)

c) Light a cigarette, because fuck everything. (go to part 2)

 

2. The cigarette makes you feel worse. You make yourself a coffee and log on to facebook. All your friends have put up pictures of the boring food they are about to eat, which reminds you that you are hungry. There is nothing but an ashtray in the fridge. You go to the cupboard to find your spouse has poured cleaning fluid over the remaining loaf of bread out of pure spite. Do you:

a) Go to the store and do some grocery shopping! You can make a healthy breakfast and then set to work on a lovely meal for your spouse this evening. Rekindle that romance! Fix your life! (go to part 7)

b) Never mind, time to get to work! You’ve been far too lazy recently, and work will give you a sense of purpose again! (go to part 10)

c) Slump to the floor. (go to part 5)

 

3. Mmmmmm, lovely banana! This is making you feel great! And it feels so good going in your mouth! You eat it slowly, eyes closed, savouring the banana-y flavour. (go to part 8)

 

4. You start with some star-jumps. Up, down, up down, wheeeee! This is actually fun! You’re starting to feel better already! (go to part 8)

 

5. The floor is filthy. Your face sticks to the lino, and only your tears manage to unstick you again. You have another cigarette whilst staring at the underside of the kitchen table. A mouse crawls into your hair. (go to part 9)

 

7. Wonderful! Look at all the lovely fruit and veg you just bought! You can make your spouse something wonderful tonight, and maybe even surprise them in the bedroom! First though, time for a nice bath to wash away the remaining traces of your despair. (go to part 8)

 

8. Unfortunately you realise that you’re standing in front of your window naked, and next door’s children are outside watching. The local neighbourhood watch telephones the police, who immediately arrest you. You are ‘named and shamed’ by the tabloid press, and murdered by vigilantes on the way to court. Everyone you ever knew forever denies having had any contact with you, and the last mention of your name takes place six months and three days after your death.

THE END

 

9. The doorbell! The doorbell rings! You have a visitor! Oh, it’s only the postman. But perhaps you have post from a dear friend? Oh, no, it’s just campaign literature for the Conservative Party. You spend several hours waiting by the door for the postman to return, occasionally peering through the letter box at unwitting passers-by. You envy each and every one of them.

a) This is ridiculous! Life isn’t so dismal! I want to go outside and talk to these people! We’re in charge of our own destinies! (go to part 12)

b) This is insane, I might as well be watching through the window, it’s got a better view than the letter box (go to part 8)

c) Shout through the letter box at them! How dare they look so happy?! (go to part 11)

 

10. You open up your laptop. Time to get going on that Big Company Presentation! You’re a business superperson! And you just downloaded 1000 exciting clipart images from the internet. Unfortunately every single one contained a virus, and your computer dies, but not before the virus sends hate speech to your boss. You slump to the floor. (go to part 5)

 

11. “BASTARDS! COCK BASTARDS!” you shout as people hurry past. Eventually you wear yourself out and fall asleep. You wake up to find the door being bashed against your head. Someone is trying to open it! It’s your spouse, home from a day at the office!

a) Great! This is it, no more marital stress, let’s just head straight for the bedroom! You can do a sexy dance for them and really ignite your sex life (go to part 8)

b) Try to start a conversation! A good talk will always help things. (go to part 14)

c) Move over a few inches so he can get through the door, but keep lying on the floor of the hallway and refuse to acknowledge their presence. (go to part 13)

 

12. First up, you’ll need to put on some clothes! Something bright and cheery! You head up to the wardrobe in your bedroom (go to part 8)

 

13. Your spouse goes to watch TV for the evening. If he is a man, he is watching The Football. He she is a woman, she is watching The Soap Opera. If they are neither, they are watching gardening programmes. Do you:

a) Join them! Marital unity is important. (go to part 15)

b) Give them some space – they must be tired from work! Go to the cupboard and have another good cry (go to part 15)

c) Punch the cat. (go to part 15)

 

14. You attempt witty repartee, but your spouse spits in your face and heads to the television set. (go to part 13)

 

15. Your partner fails to notice that you are alive. You present them with a pallid grey microwave dinner, eating yours whilst sitting on the toilet so as not to make eye contact. Eventually you hear them go to bed, but you wait until they’re snoring before sneaking in beside them and helping yourself to a half bottle of whiskey, drinking it alone in the dark until you pass out.

THE END (to play the next day, go to part 1)

 

 

CONGRATULATIONS! You have lived a day in the life of a normal person! Repeat until the grave.

Have fun!

- Redfern

 

*I have no intention of helping anyone, with anything, ever.

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