Names vs. Logic

I love names – they lessen the need for pointing at people and screaming for their attention. Yet thinking of new names is hard. So for those who happen to have found a baby/ small child, or just like the exciting forms that come with changing your name via the courts, here is a Very Special Naming Method I have invented.

REDFERN’S “PATENTED” NAMING CONVENTION OF NAMES

Step Number One

What type of human are you? Your can attach different suffixes to the name depending on your Designated Social Station:

Appending ‘a’ to the end of a name means you are ‘female’
Appending ‘on’ means you are ‘male’
Appending ‘us’ means you are a ‘pretentious male’
Appending ‘ey’ means you are a ‘drag queen’
Appending ‘ox’ means you are awesome (any gender)

Examples: The ordinary, boring human name ‘Martha’ becomes: Martha, Marthon, Marthus, Marthey and MARTHOX. With that sorted, let’s move on to the next step.

(SCREAMING BABOX)

Step Number B

Now for name ideas! To show The World that you are cultural, use names from Greek mythology:

Hercules (Hercula, Herculon, Herculus, Herkley and HEREKLOX)
Athena (Athena, Athon, Athenus, Atheney and ATHENOX)
Zeus (Zeusa, Zeuson, Zeususus, Zoosey AND ZEUSOX)

You get the idea! Names of Romantic poets are also acceptable for those wishing to brag about their (failed) Mensa application:

Byron (Byrona, Byron, Byronus, Byrey and BYROX)
Keats (Keata, Keaton, Keatus, Keatsey and KEATOX)
Percy Shelley (Perciashella, Perconshellon, Perconshellus, PERCOX RULER OF ALL)

For the religious, we have names from ‘The Bible of Jesus’:

David (Davida, Davon, Davidius, Davey and DOX)
Jonathan (Jonathana, Jonathon, Jonus, Jey-Jey and JONATHANOX)
God (Goda, Godon, Gus, Godey and GOXD)

And then for everyone else, we can find inspiration from popular breakfast cereals:

Frosties (Frosta, Froston, Frostius, Frostey and FROSTOX)
[Rice] Crispies (Crispa, Crispion, Crispus, Crispiesey and BATTLESTAR)
Proctor and Gamble’s Gluten-Free Bran Flakes for the Diabetic (Matilda, Timon, Portius, Marcey and PROCTOX GAMBLOX GLUTOX-FROX BROX FLAX DAX THE THIRD)

Wonderful! Now onto the final step…

Step Number Pi

Now the first name is sorted, we just need to move onto a ‘last name’ or ‘Satan name’. This is the easy step, as there are only two surnames in the English-speaking world:

Smith

and

Barrabas

So feel free to choose between them. Everyone called ‘Smith’ will get a divorce, everyone called ‘Barrabas’ will squander their dreams. Good luck!

- REDFOX BARRABAS