THE JEALOUS PARTNER’S GUIDE TO THE APPLE WATCH
Well Apple followers, what an exciting year 2015 is turning out to be! Not only do we have the release of another iPhone, another iPad, and yet another MacBook Air, we also have the release of a really small phone that is tied to your wrist and can’t make its own calls. “But wait!” we hear you ask. “What’s in it for me, a psychotically jealous partner who likes nothing better than to follow my loved one to the supermarket whilst wearing a series of elaborate disguises in order to ensure they’re not having some sort of torrid affair?”
We’re glad you asked.
Heartrate Monitor App
First up, we have the TruthPulse heartrate monitoring app. Now, you may have already heard of one of the Apple Watch’s most exciting, dystopian features: its ability to track your very pulse. This innovative addition means that, for the first time, couples will have the ability to feel their loved one’s heartbeat from thousands of miles away. Just picture the scene: you’re at home in San Diego enjoying a nice cup of herbal tea whilst your significant other is on a business trip to Seattle. You’re about to begin your fifteenth hour of Candy Crush Saga when your iWatch sets off a powerful alarm, alerting you to a notable increase in your partner’s heart rate.
He might be doing exercise, but no, he hasn’t been to the gym since 2003.
Deep down you know what it is – he’s with your whore sister again. Thankfully our communications software means you can now send the data directly to your lawyer’s office! Good luck keeping anything in the divorce, scumbag!
Reminders
We all remember the ‘Reminders’ app from the iPhone – and we’re pleased to announce its return with the Apple Watch. This time, not only will you be able to set your own reminders, you’ll be able to send reminders to other people’s devices! Reminders like:
Don’t have an affair
or,
Stop having that affair
or even,
I tried to warn you, it was you who didn’t listen. Well don’t bother coming home, I’ve already changed the locks and burned the entirety of your possessions in front of our horrified neighbors. There’s nothing left for you here.
The possibilities are endless!
‘NeverAlone’ Phone-tApp
At Apple we have a proud history of inter-device connectivity. We like to think of our product range as a family: so imagine your Apple Watch as the patient long-term boyfriend who has spent countless years keeping the apartment sort-of clean and looking after the cat, and the iPhone as a girlfriend who has a suspiciously close relationship with her new boss. With her phone signal transmitted straight to your wristwatch, you’ll gain the comforting, loving security of a Soviet intelligence agent.
Yet unlike those hapless state employees, you won’t have to listen to countless hours of futile conversation! The app will automatically track calls with the keywords ‘affair’, ‘secret’, and ‘my partner hasn’t satisfied me in four years, I’m glad I’ve repaid his faithful devotion by ultimately betraying him in the back seat of your Bentley.’
Remember, if she’s done nothing wrong, she has nothing to hide.
‘Miss You Miss You’ Wake-Up Alarm
“Good morning, honey!”
From the very moment you open your eyes, you’re gifted the comforting pre-recorded tones of your partner’s voice.
“Wish I could be there with you.”
Smiling gently, you slowly pull yourself up, thinking about the tasks of the day ahead.
“If you cheat on me again, I’m taking the children.”
Taking off your Apple Watch and hurling it at the wall (rebounding harmlessly, thanks to the all-new FrustrationGlass construction), you then pull the covers over your face. You won’t be getting up today.
High-Voltage Relationship Correction App
We’ve all been there: your husband makes a joke about your parents, so you smash his favourite mug against the imported granite countertop and begin the process of stuffing his favorite neckties into the waste disposal. But then he takes things too far.
With the ShockDoctrine app, you can send a powerful electrical charge from his Apple Watch, directly into his wrist. Who’s a ‘crazy bitch’ now, huh? You’re not the one lying on the floor in a puddle of their own urine!
So there we have it, distrusting consumers! All the services an unreasonably suspicious partner could ever wish for (except therapy). Your relationship may not survive, but these new Apple Watch features will provide you with a powerful sense of vindicated self-righteousness.
Remember: trust no-one.
Except us. You can always trust us.
- WatchingYoufern
(Want more Apple blasphemy? Take a look at ‘Inspiring Quotes From Steve Jobs’ Ghost here)
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