WHICH SERIAL KILLER ARE YOU?
We’ve all been there – you’ve been patiently waiting in line at the ATM/cash machine for over fifteen minutes, whilst the person in front hammers dully at the buttons, presumably trying to work out why their phone is showing the HSBC logo and has grown several thousand times its previous size. Finally you snap, grabbing them by the hair and slamming their face into the keys until the machine is a bloody mess of brain and eyeball goo.
But what if you hadn’t ended that elderly priest’s life just that one time? What if you had an insatiable lust for killing that could never be quelled, no matter how many hearts you devour?
THE REDJON.COM ‘WHICH SERIAL KILLER ARE YOU?’ QUIZ
Q1. All of your super BFFs have have gone down to the mall for a sensational afternoon of sodas and shopping – but not you! You’re too busy…
A) Forming a cult with your other besties so you can start a sexy race war!
B) Meeting cute boys in dark alleyways!
C) Making out with your boyfriend Chuck! For money!
D) Combing your luscious long hair with the blood of the infidels.
Q2. Your stupid old great-great aunt has finally died, and your fugly parents won’t stop crying about it. What-evs, get a grip! But she did leave you some money in your will. You buy…
A) An awesome big house for your and your besties to live in! Like a sorority!
B) Some hot new clothes to make all the boys swoon!
C) No-one in your family has money! You’re masturbating homeless guys just to earn the change for your morning coffee.
D) A clay hovel, some rags, and an inexplicable murderous hatred for the tribe next to yours.
Q3. That BITCH Sissy Swanson has been spreading rumours that you slept with the principal! You get her back by…
A) Telling your family to slay her in a ritual sacrifice!
B) Gutting her sickeningly flat stomach!
C) Have a hot lesbian make-out session with her then cut off her face.
D) Put her into a heathen temple then push down one of the support pillars, killing everyone inside.
Q4. You’ve been caught! That is totes not cool. Now you’ll be in detention for like, forever! But how did they catch you?
A) You’re friend’s girlfriend rats you and the ‘family’ out. No fair – bros before hoes!
B) Your date spots a barrel full of acid and corpses in your bedroom. Don’t they understand interior design?!
C) One of the tricks you offed was a cop! No fair!
D) My bestest girlfriend cut off my beautiful hair! She was always so jel-jel, it’s not your fault she had that shitty lesbo perm!
Q5. If your life could be totally summed up by one of those cool Facebook sayings, what would it be?
A) You can never be alone, you’ll always have family. And race hate.
B) If you can’t handle me at my worst/stomach stabbiest, you don’t deserve me at my best.
C) If you can’t work it, twerk it. For money.
D) Thou shalt kill people of other faiths and attires, for no reason other than the god-voice says so. Also, all women will ultimately betray you.
That’s it! If you answered mostly ‘A’s:
Time to buy some hot swastika accessories and stock up on methamphetamine, you are totes CHARLES MANSON! Sure you got your cult family to do your dirty work, but all’s fair in love and inciting global race war. Plus, why ruin your own outfits with someone else’s filthy blood?
Mostly ‘B’s:
You’re so into the boys you just can’t wait to see what’s inside of them! Congratulations, you are blates JEFFREY DAHMER. Working like a dog 9-5 in a factory, then rockin’ the gay party scene at night! Plus, you were hipster long before it was cool.
Mostly ‘C’s:
Who needs a pimp when you have a stack of human hands in your glove compartment? Yes, you’re straight-for-pay AILEEN WUORNOS. Starting out as a humble sex worker, you graduate to mass-murderer and eventually become movie starlet Charlize Theron. Not bad!
Mostly ‘D’s:
Congratulations! You’re hate-mongering Bible-hero SAMSON! With your luscious locks and edgy gouged-out-eyes look, you’re owning ancient Israel and destroying the good name of the Philistines forever. Men, women and children, you’ll murder anything, as long as it’s totally defenceless and born to the wrong tribe! Just make sure to keep those spare hair extensions on hand…
So there we have it! Of course, were I to write this three weeks into the future I could have included ‘Gorgeous giant Redfern Jon Barrett’ at answer number five, but football season hasn’t started yet and my anger levels are only at sparrow-stomping level.
(Yes I now have MULTIPLE PICTURES OF DEAD BIRDS ON MY WEBSITE. This is step one.)
Until next time!
- Plottingfern
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