Gary Roe's Blog, page 7

The Power of Talking It Out

Loss is incredibly difficult. We’re made for connection not separation. The pain can be intense.

Our hearts are broken. We feel shattered. Devastated. The grief inside can be overwhelming.

Look at that last sentence again. “The grief inside…”

Stating the obvious, the grief is inside us. Grief does not come from the outside, although things from the outside will frequently trigger our grief and spawn grief bursts. Grief, like love, is a matter of the heart.

Grief will come out, one way or another. If we ignore the grief, it will seep or explode out anyway.

If we try to stuff it or put it off, at some point it leak or spew out. Overall, we do better if we can find ways to get the grief out.

When it comes to getting the grief out, we’re really talking about expressing what’s going on inside us. That’s where T.W.A. comes in.

T. – Talk. Talk it out.

W. – Write. Write it out.

A. – Art. Art it out.

Today, let’s focus on T. – Talk it out.

Talking it out is perhaps the simplest way to get the grief out.

Talk out loud about what’s happening inside, as much as is possible, as it’s happening. Here’s an example…

“I’m feeling sad today. I’m thinking about the world and all the upheaval, unkindness, and division. I wonder what’s going to happen next. I’m worried and concerned. The loss of my brother showed me that anything can happen to anyone at any time. That’s frightening…”

Or it could be as simple as, “I’m frustrated. I don’t know why. I’m also sad. I miss my dad.”

You get the idea.

I talk out loud a lot – in the morning during my devotional time, in the car, in the kitchen while cooking, while I’m cooling down after exercising, etc. It’s become a helpful habit.

Talking it out – out loud to myself – slows my mind down enough to actually begin to express some of what’s pinging around in my heart. It’s crowded in there (my heart and mind), and I can use a little more space.

Feelings often come with the words. Talking it out allows me to feel my emotions, air them, and let them pass on through (although sometimes this takes a while).

At first, I recommend starting small. Keep it simple. Simply state out loud what you’re thinking right now. See where it goes. Keep talking out loud as long as you wish.

If you’re anything like me, I begin talking out loud and then suddenly find myself silent again with all those racing thoughts pinging around everywhere. When I realize this, I simply begin talking out loud again.

Now, you might be thinking, “That’s too simple.” Or perhaps, “That’s silly. Awkward. What good can that really do?”

Try it. See what you think.

Don’t try it just once. Give your heart a chance. Try it over a couple of weeks. Make a serious effort. The more you try talking out loud about what’s happening inside, the more of a habit talking it out will become.

The more you talk it out, the more you will get the grief out. The more you get it out, the more you’ll process the grief inside.

As a follower of Jesus, my talking it out frequently becomes prayer. Jesus is always with me and listening, so why not? I become more conscious of His presence, and that can make all the difference.

So, what’s happening in your heart right now?

Talk it out. Give it a try.

Of course, you can talk it out and share what’s happening inside with someone you trust. That would be great – excellent, in fact. The problem is there’s not always a safe person there when need to get some grief out.

As you practice talking it out alone, most likely you’ll find that talking it out with others becomes easier.

Talking it out can be a wonderful grief skill.

Thanks for reading. I hope this brings some hope, encouragement, and comfort to you today.

Please be kind to yourself.

Until next time…

Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress. (Psalm 107:6)

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Anxiety is a Strength-Sucker

Who likes anxiety?

I sure don’t. It’s been a nemesis of mine for a long time. My past and my losses have stirred my anxiety pot many times. There were times when anxiety became a major force in my life.

I’m reminded of these words from C. H. Spurgeon: “Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.”

In other words, anxiety is a strength-sucker.

As grieving people, we can’t afford any more strength-suckers.

And yet, anxiety keeps popping up.

For some, anxiety is constant. It comes in waves of varying intensity, but it is always there.

For others, anxiety is the monster under the bed. We know it’s there, but for the most part it only bothers us at certain times and in certain situations.

For still others, anxiety is like a dark cloud above our heads. We walk on eggshells, not knowing where or when another anxiety lightning bolt will strike.

For some of us, it feels like all of the above and more.

Ugh.

Anxiety is natural, especially for grieving hearts. Loss creates a sense of uncertainty. The old normal is gone. We don’t know what the future will bring. What little sense of control we had is shattered.

No wonder we’re anxious.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ve probably heard my simple technique for diffusing intense feelings. I call it A.I.R. Your Emotions. The subject of anxiety gives us another chance to practice this.

This is how it works. When anxiety strikes…

A. – Acknowledge the emotion.  “I’m feeling anxious.”

This is huge. Bigger than we think. Simply acknowledging (out loud) the anxiety can begin to unplug its power.

I. – Identify the thoughts behind the emotion. “I’m feeling anxious because I was just thinking about…”

Emotions don’t surge out of nowhere. There are thoughts behind them. Once you acknowledge the anxiety, you can identify the thoughts that led there.

R. – Release the emotion. This is often a process.

What we’re really doing is talking out loud about what’s happening inside us. We’re processing the anxiety. We’re expressing our grief.

We can release the anxiety by praying, by continuing to talk out loud, or by writing. Rather than fighting the anxiety or running from it, we’re simply accepting it as best we can. When accept the anxiety, it begins to lose its intensity.

If this is new to you, I know it can sound a bit awkward or cumbersome. Once you try it a few times, it becomes pretty simple. Try it now. Think of a time when you were anxious. Run that scenario through your mind. A.I.R. the anxiety you felt.

“I’m anxious. I’m anxious because I was just thinking about… Rather than fight this anxiety or run from it, I choose to accept and release it.”

They say that practice makes permanent. I’ve certainly found this to be true. For this demanding journey, we need some good grief skills – new habits we can count on when things get intense.

At the end of Psalm 139, King David wrote: Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

God, of course, already knew David’s anxious thoughts. David was owning up to his anxiety. He came to God with an open-heart and open-hands. Rather than trying to exercise control, David chose to release.

Anxiety is a strength-sucker, and we need all the strength we can get. When it strikes, acknowledge it, process it a bit, and then let it pass on through. Release.

And then keep releasing.

God knows me. He knows you. He knows our hearts. He knows our anxious thoughts.

Thank goodness.

Question: What are you anxious about today? Take a moment and A.I.R. your anxiety. Feel free to share using the comment section below.

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How to Handle Emotional Overwhelm

This week we had another great Virtual Hangout Session via Zoom. We talked about Handling Emotional Overwhelm.

This topic is so relevant, I thought I would share with everyone a summary of what I presented.

To overwhelm means to upset, overpower, crush. To engulf, surge over and submerge. Emotions are incredibly powerful. They can hijack us in a moment. They can sweep us off our feet and carry us away.

When we’re grieving, emotional overwhelm can sometimes seem like a daily experience.

When loss strikes the heart, emotions begin to cascade out.

Shock, denial, disbelief, numbness. Sadness, depression, hopelessness, despair. Anger, hate, blame, resentment, bitterness, rage. Guilt, regret, remorse, shame. Pain, hurt, helplessness, frustration. Anxiety, fear, panic, terror.

Which of these emotions have you experienced since your loss?

Which emotions are you experiencing now?

Which emotions bother you the most?

Here are some basic truths about emotions:

Emotions are powerful. Incredibly powerful.Emotions are feelings. Feelings are meant to be felt.Emotions are temporary. They will change.Emotions are real, but they are not necessarily reality.Emotions are not a basis for good decision-making.Emotions have thoughts behind them. Emotions do not exist in a vacuum.

We either learn to handle our emotions, or our emotions will handle us.

So, how do we handle emotional overwhelm?

When hit by emotion….STOP. Pause for a moment. Breathe.

Then begin to process what’s happening inside you. I have a simple technique for this. It’s called A.I.R. your Emotions.

A – Acknowledge.

Acknowledge the emotion. Simple awareness of what you’re feeling is a large part of the battle.

State the emotion. Say it out loud, if possible. “I’m feeling ____________.”

“I’m feeling anxious.” “I’m angry.” “I feel hopeless.”

For some more possible emotions, see the above list.

Just acknowledging the emotion can help to unplug some of its power.

I – Identify.

Identify the thought behind the emotion. Feelings have thoughts behind them.

Again, if possible, say this out loud: “I am / was thinking about ___________.”

“I’m anxious. I was just thinking about the time when ___________.”

“I’m angry. I just saw someone who reminded me of my loved one and it took me right back to their death.”

“I feel hopeless. I was thinking about how much I’ve lost and that nothing will be the same again.”

Identifying the thought behind the feeling is important. Otherwise the feelings can get stuck inside with nowhere to go.

R – Release.

Release the emotion. You’ve already begun to do this by talking out loud – acknowledging the feelings and identifying the thoughts behind them.

Keep talking out loud until you feel somewhat “finished.” You can also write about it. Write it out.

I usually A.I.R. my feelings through prayer. I talk out loud to God about what’s happening inside me.

A.I.R. your Emotions is simply a technique. It’s definitely not a magic pill. It might seem a bit awkward and cumbersome at first. As you practice it, however, it can become a helpful habit.

We ended our Zoom session by looking at Psalm 42. This Psalm is a great example of being honest with our emotions and including God in the process. I encourage you to take a look. Read through it slowly.

The writers expressed their grief and angst. They “poured out their hearts” to Him. They also chose to raise their eyes above their situation. They chose to trust, even when everything around them seemed uncertain.

Emotions are a gift from God, but it doesn’t always “feel” that way. Learning to handle our emotions is important. Otherwise our emotions might end up handling us.

Stop. Pause. Breathe.

Be kind to yourself today.

Which grief emotions are you experiencing at present? Which emotion seems to bother you the most? Please feel free to comment below.

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Loss Creates Questions, and More Questions

Loss tends to create questions. Lots and lots of questions.

How did this happen? Why? What do I do now? How do I handle this? What’s next?

Most grieving hearts are dealing with multiple questions almost all the time. And our questions are hardly ever once-and-done. They tend to circle back – again, and again, and again.

A couple of years ago, I sat down and generated a list of the most common questions I’ve been asked about grief and healing. Ultimately, that list resulted in a book called The Grief Guidebook: Common Questions, Compassionate Answers, Practical Suggestions.

Soon after The Grief Guidebook was released, my friends Kathy and Stephanie had me on their podcast, As I Live and Grieve, to talk about the book – why I wrote it and how grieving hearts can use it to navigate loss and begin to heal and grow.

You can listen to the podcast here.

Take a listen. I think you’ll be encouraged.

What questions have you struggled with since your loss?

Consider making a list of these questions. Sometimes, just getting them down on paper (or on a screen) can be relieving and helpful.

What questions do you sense you need answers to?

Make note of those questions.

Is there anyone you know who can help you find the answers you need?

What is the most burning question on your mind today?

Being aware of our questions is important. Our hearts are speaking and trying to make sense of all this. Even if there is no emotionally satisfying answer, our hearts must still ask the question.

I think of the writers of the Psalms and many of the prophets in the Old Testament. They encountered loss and great suffering. They had questions. They asked them. They cried out to God. They poured out their hearts to Him.

Struggling through our questions is one way we can be honest with ourselves, others, and God. Heart honesty is massively important in the grief process.

Be kind to yourself today.

Question: What questions is your heart asking? Feel free to comment and share below.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. (Psalm 42:5)

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Climbing the Grief Mount Everest

Loss is painful. Grief is challenging.

In fact, sometimes the whole loss and grief process can seem like a solo, unassisted climb of Mount Everest.

Personally, I’ve hiked some mountains, but I haven’t actually “climbed” any (where you need serious gear, equipment, ropes, etc.). Climb Mount Everest? Nope. Never even entered my mind.

Everest is so far beyond my puny abilities and skills that even the thought of it is laughable. All my personal strength would be only a drop in the bucket of what’s required.

Losing a loved one – or losing several (or even many) loved ones – is shocking, painful, and traumatic. Once the shock waves begin, they can go on and on. The aftershocks are limitless and scary. One loss leads to another, and another, and then yet another.

Our personal losses grow in front of our eyes, rising higher and higher. Our Everest keeps getting bigger, taller, and even more insurmountable. We can’t see the summit – not even close. All is shrouded in clouds and mist.

No one can tell us how hard this will be for us. No one can tell us how long it will take.

All this is daunting. This journey is hard. Arduous. Exhausting.

This is uncharted territory for us. New terrain. A new and foreboding wilderness. We’ve been through difficulty and loss, but not like this. Every mountain is different.

On top of all this, a stark loneliness emerges from somewhere deep inside us. Others have traveled here, but this is not their loss. This is our loss – ours alone.

Is it any wonder we get overwhelmed at times?

Is it any surprise we feel tired, drained, and even exhausted?

Is it any wonder we experience a loneliness like no other?

It feels like an Everest. We can wonder if we have what it takes.

What do we do with all this?

First of all, breathe.

Take a moment. Breathe in deeply through your nose. Hold it for a few seconds. Now breathe out slowly through your mouth. Again.

Keep breathing deeply for a minute or two.

Second, tell yourself the truth. Say the following out loud: “This is HARD.”

Say it again. “This is HARD.”

Keep breathing. Say it again.

Third, tell yourself some more truth: “I can only take one step at a time.” 

Breathe. Say it again. “I can only take one step at a time.”

All journeys are taken one step at a time. In life and grief, there are no leaps forward. There are no skip-overs or shortcuts.

Breathe. “I can only take one step at a time.”

Fourth, remind yourself of one more truth: “I cannot do this by myself.”

Breathe. Say it again. “I cannot do this by myself.”

You know this. That’s why you’re reading this email.

There are many, many people on this grief journey. All our losses are different, but we have much in common. We have a sort of shared loneliness.

Keep breathing. “I cannot do this by myself.”

Three simple truths. Embrace them. Say them out loud.

“This is hard. I can only take one step at a time. I cannot do this by myself.”

And don’t forget to breathe.

Perhaps this email raises some questions for you. Please feel free to ask.

Yes, we’re lonely, but we are far from alone. Thank goodness.

The LORD makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with His hand. (Proverbs 27:23-24)

Question: What Everest do you sense you are facing? Feel free to comment and share.

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A Blanket of Sadness

Sadness. It’s the number one emotion grieving hearts experience.

Sadness is a universal emotion. Everyone experiences it at some time or another – usually in situations where we are enduring a loss.

Sadness is also a sort of umbrella term describing a range of similar emotions: disappointment, discouragement, helplessness, hopelessness, misery, anguish, despair.

No one wants to feel sad, and yet in times of loss sadness is real, natural, common, and healthy. It matches our reality.

Along some stretches of the grief road, sadness can be intense and overwhelming. As one person said, “I never knew sadness could be this strong and deep.”

On top of our own personal sadness and losses, we live in a world of sadness. Loss is everywhere. People are sad and grieving, and many of them don’t know what to do with it.

The sheer weight of all the sadness can be crushing.  As another person put it, “Living under this heavy blanket of sadness is stifling.”

A heavy blanket of sadness.

I can feel it. Can you?

Even as I wrote this, sadness began to surface from somewhere deep inside. I sat with it for a while, just allowing myself to feel sad. Then I began to write.

“I feel sad because…”

One thing led to another. It became quite a list. I had no idea I had that much sadness buried inside me. I had no idea how many things I was feeling sad about.

How about you? Are you feeling sad today?

Perspective is a powerful thing. I try to allow myself to feel sad – because the sadness is there – but I don’t really want to swim in it all day long. I can only handle so much heaviness at a time.

After feeling some of the sadness, I reorient. I ask myself what I know to be true. Several verses from Psalm 42 and 43 come to mind: 

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” (Psalm 42:5; 42:11; 43:5).

The Psalmist repeated this to himself (and to us) several times.

The heaviness of life and grief can temporarily blind me to the bigger picture. When I choose to lift my eyes, my heart typically follows. I have to tell my own heart and soul, “Look up. Put your hope in God.”

This current sadness is for a season. Now is not forever. This too shall pass. God will get me through this. Amid the sadness, I cling to Him.

If you find yourself stifled by a blanket of sadness, be patient with yourself. Feel the sadness. God is with you in the pain. He will lead you through. He can handle this.

Question: Are you feeling sad today? What about? What helps you when you’re sad?

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5 Tips for When Someone Offends You

Recently, we had another Virtual Hangout via Zoom. Our topic was When Someone Offends You.

I received such good response from this session that I decided to share with everyone some of what we covered.

First of all, we’re all going be offended. Jesus told us, “Offenses (stumbling blocks) will certainly come…” (Luke 17:1).

Offenses can cause us to stumble. They can trip us, capture us, distract us, influence us, and even control us.

When offended and hurt, we can temporarily lose sight of God, God’s goodness, ourselves, other people, opportunities, and blessings. Offenses can hijack our minds, hearts, and even our lives.

Ugh. As grieving hearts, we don’t need this.

We can’t stop offenses from coming, but once we’re offended, what do we do?

Here are five tips to help us navigate this all-too-common challenge…

1. The Goal: Overcome Offenses with Love

Instead of getting sucked into a downward spiral started by someone else’s words or actions, we can choose to protect our own hearts.

Check out what Peter says in 1 Peter 3:9: “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”

Rather than being overcome by the offense, find a way to bless the other person instead. Pray for them. Perhaps say something that might benefit them.

Blessing them puts you in the driver’s seat and moves you from victim to victor.

2. Let it go. Forgive.

The apostle Paul tells us, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).

Rather than responding back in anger or frustration, we can love and bless others simply by letting the offense go. We can choose to forgive – and to forgive quickly. This helps protect our already wounded hearts.

Letting it go and forgiving puts you in the driver’s seat and moves you from victim to victor (yes, I’m repeating myself again).

3. When necessary, speak.

If you want to respond, try doing so with a question: “Could you tell me more?” or “What do you mean by that?”

Asking people to clarify what they said can often help them realize what they actually said.

You might simply say, “Thank you for your concern. It’s just really hard.” Or perhaps “I’m taking it one day at a time.” Or maybe just “God bless you.”

Find ways to love and bless them. Again, this puts you in the driver’s seat and helps guard your grieving heart from damage.

As Jesus said,  “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…” (Matthew 5:43-44).

4. Practice Various Scenarios

Think about some interactions in the past where you’ve been offended. Run them through your mind. Imagine what it might be like, in that interaction, to overcome the offense with love. Imagine blessing them by letting it go and forgiving. How might you bless them by speaking (when necessary)?

Practicing such scenarios will help prepare you for the next uncomfortable situation you encounter. 

Also, consider taking some time immediately after an offense to evaluate the interaction. Is there anything you would do differently next time?

5. Acknowledge the hurt and the pain.

Offenses hurt. Words cut deep. The pain and sense of rejection can pummel our already bruised and vulnerable hearts.

Acknowledge the hurt but don’t let it control you. Acknowledge the pain and then release it to God. Forgive and forgive again.

Forgiveness is not an emotion. It is a choice – an act of the will. Forgiveness is not the same as trust – nor is it the same as engaging in relationship. We don’t need the offender’s permission to forgive. We can forgive anytime, anywhere.

Forgiveness helps guard our hearts.

The world is a tough place. It’s not typically kind to grieving hearts. But there are lots of kind people out there.

Glad to be in this with you. Guard and protect your heart today.

Question: Which one of these 5 tips resonates most with you? Feel free to share by commenting below.

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This Can Sabotage Your Grief Journey (and Your Life)

There are many obstacles and potential stumbling blocks along the grief journey.

One particular stumbling block can sabotage not only our grief process but our entire lives. It’s sneaky. It creeps up on us. It’s familiar. Most of us have been doing it for a long, long time.

Comparison.

When we compare, we lose. Period.

We’ve been comparing ourselves with others almost all of our lives. We measure ourselves against others – what we perceive others are doing, and what we think life is like for them.

This sneaky saboteur spawns all kinds of trouble. Envy. Jealousy. Arrogance. Judgmentalism. Anxiety. Depression. Anger. Rage. Bitterness. Hopelessness. Despair…

The list goes on and on.

Comparing is as natural as breathing. Just because it’s natural, however, doesn’t mean it’s good.

When we’re grieving and vulnerable, comparison can stealthily weave its way deep into our minds and hearts.

What we do with this?

Sometimes, awareness is half the battle – and it’s certainly the first step. Put yourself on alert. Begin to notice when you’re comparing.

Just notice. Winning the battle against comparison begins there.

Simply becoming aware of comparison can begin to unplug its power.

Recognizing and unplugging comparison can be a huge grief skill – an excellent tool in our grief and healing toolbox.

More on this later. For now, just notice. Become aware of comparison.

Loss is painful, challenging, and lonely. Take heart today. You are not alone. You are not crazy. You will make it through this.

Question: Do you think comparison is an issue in your life? If so, how so? Please feel free to comment below.

Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)

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What to Expect in 2023

A few days ago, we had another Zoom Virtual Hangout. We talked about “What to Expect in 2023.” Many of you were there or received the recording.

The response to this session was so good, I decided to write a brief summary of what we talked about.

What can we expect in 2023?

1. Life will be full of challenges and obstacles.

No surprise here, right?

When we’re grieving, challenges and obstacles are often seen as threats. Sometimes we resist and fight against these challenges. Other times, we run from them. Occasionally, we simply freeze up.

Though difficult, it’s important to accept what is. We need to cultivate an “I eat problems for breakfast” attitude. Instead of seeing obstacles as being in our way, we can view obstacles as the way forward into healing and growth. Rather than running or hiding from challenges, we can lean into them (John 16:33).

2. Relationships will be challenging and difficult.

People are, well, people.

Some people will be kind, compassionate, and supportive. Some will be unsupportive, critical, or even mean. This is true of family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors.

As grieving hearts, we need to focus on relationships with healthy, supportive, safe people.  We need to guard and protect our hearts in difficult, unsupportive relationships. People will make a huge difference in our grief journey, one way or the other.

3. Offenses will come.

Offenses will abound in 2023. We will be offended. We will offend others.

Overlooking an offense while grieving is difficult. If we can, however, simply letting the offense go is often the healthiest route forward (Proverbs 19:11). Learning to forgive quickly is massively important (Ephesians 4:32).

4. The world will continue to change (even more rapidly).

We might want the world to slow down and behave itself, but the reality is that more change is going to come at us this year – perhaps more than we have ever experienced before.

We can’t let this broken, insensitive world set our agendas and drive our lives. Instead, we can choose to swim upstream (Romans 12:1-2). We can cultivate simplicity and peace. We must guard our hearts and nurture our souls (Proverbs 4:23).

5. Some people will choose to stay where they are and let the world, loss, and pain define them.

Some people will choose to stay stuck in 2023. Some people choose not to heal. This is a sad reality.

Granted, all of us get stuck from time to time. We can “feel” stuck a lot. All of us are profoundly influenced and shaped by what happens to us and around us. All of us can say, “I have experienced painful losses, and these losses have changed me.” This is different, however, from believing, “These losses and wounds are who I am.”

We are more than our wounds. We are more than our losses. Thank goodness.

6. Some people will make life all about them.

Some people will become very self-focused in 2023. All of us have a tendency to make life about us. Some may even choose isolation and loneliness.

Heavy loss causes many of us to go internal and withdraw somewhat. Many of us need to do this for periods of time. Sooner or later, however, healing and growth beckon us to come out of ourselves and engage with the people around us.

Loss and pain can stir up a new or deeper sense of entitlement within us. Pain and frustration can lead us to expect the world and others to support us, meet our needs, or even save us. This leads to deep disappointment, anger, and even bitterness.

When we make things all about us, our lives shrink.

7. Some people will choose healing and growth.

Some people will choose lean into their grief in 2023.

They will choose to grieve in healthy ways. They will humble themselves and seek support and help. Amid their pain, they will cultivate gratitude and thanksgiving (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

8. Some people will choose to overcome through love and service.

Some people will choose to get out of themselves and make a difference in 2023.

They will find ways to use their grief for good. They will turn their pain into purpose (Philippians 4:13). They will embrace the benefits of loss and grief.

They will learn what’s really important in life. They will evaluate their lives and clarify their priorities. They will pursue being people of love, joy, hope, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness (Galatians 5:22-23). 

This is some of what we can expect in 2023.

I hope the above comforts, challenges, and inspires you. I know it does me. The world, life, and grief are so relentless that I can easily get squeezed into making things about me, my situation, my pain, my challenges, etc. Ugh.

Wherever you are today, I invite to join me in leaning into 2023. I have to daily remind myself, “I can’t, but God can.” I am so limited and flawed that if I gaze at myself very long, I’m in trouble.

Jesus said, “I am the vine, you are the branches. If anyone abides (lives, resides) in Me, and I in them, they will bear much fruit. Apart from Me, you can do nothing” (John 15:5).

I am connected to Him. He is life. He is my life. I want to heal, grow, and bear fruit. He does this, not me. I yield. I choose to trust Him. Apart from Him I’m hopeless and wandering. I end up making it all about me. 

I know you’re hurting. I am too. We all are, on some level.

Lean forward, my friend. Lean into the grief, into healing, into growth. Lean into Jesus. If you don’t know Jesus, please consider seeking Him (if you would like to know more about this, please let me know).

2023 is upon us. Breathe deeply. Choose healing. Keep choosing healing.

Question: As you look ahead into 2023, what do you see? Are there challenges you are concerned about or fearful of? Feel free to comment.

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How to Handle Holidays and Special Seasons

One of those special days is coming up, and I don’t know what to do.

I’m dreading it.

I want to hide.

Yet, I know the day will come anyway, no matter what.

How do I survive this?

Our calendars are full of special days. Holidays. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Thanksgiving. Christmas. The list goes on and on.

And now we have another “special day” to consider – the death anniversary of the one we lost.

For grieving hearts, these special times on the calendar are anxiety-producing, frustrating, and painful. Our hearts sense when one of these days is approaching, even if our minds haven’t actually thought of it yet. We’re designed for connection. We’re still attached, even though our loved one or friend is no longer here.

Special days and holidays surface our losses like nothing else can. We seem to bump into a memory with every step. Everything reminds us of our loss. Facing these days can feel like a solo climb of Mount Everest.

For most of us, our first instinct is to hide, hunker down, and wait for this storm to pass. This is indeed an option, but it doesn’t help us much on our grief journey. In fact, trying to run from these days only sets us up for more pain and anxiety down the road.

So, what can we do?

We can shift our mindset to using these days in positive ways to help us grieve. We can make a simple plan to intentionally remember our friend or loved one and honor them somehow.

We might light a candle in their honor or donate to a charity in their name. We could serve in a cause that was important to them. We might write them a letter or express our gratitude for them in a journal. We could even invite a few people to join us that day and have a time of memory sharing. There are many options.

As we proactively plan for the coming special day, chances are part of our dread will be released. As we move through the day remembering and honoring them, we give ourselves an important opportunity to express what we’re feeling and thinking. The day will likely be emotional and even painful, but it can still be good.

As special days come, focus on using them rather than letting them use you. Set your sights on grieving in healthy ways by making a simple plan to remember and honor the one you’ve lost.
Affirmation:As special days approach, I’ll make a simple plan to remember and honor my loved one. This honors both of us and our relationship.

Suggestions:

If you find yourself dreading special days, please know that almost all grieving hearts tussle with this. You are far from alone. Here are some things you can do to navigate these pain points on the calendar:

Make a simple plan for the next special day on the calendar. What are your concerns and worries? What special memories do you have of this day? What might you do to intentionally remember and honor your friend or loved one on this day?Connect with others who know grief well. Many have been through numerous special days on their grief journey. Share with them about your upcoming special day. Listen to their wisdom. They will assure you that what you’re feeling is normal and common.If you’re in a support group, share about this upcoming day with them. The group may have helpful insights. Together, you can help each other meet the special days ahead. For moreWhen the special day comes, be prepared for grief bursts. There may be many grief triggers during the day. That’s natural and to be expected. It will be an emotional day, but you can use it for good – to help you grieve and to honor your loved one.If you can, try to include others in your plan for this special day. This gives others a chance to share and to grieve. This helps everyone.

Special days are hard. Make a simple plan to use these days to take good care of yourself and to honor your loved one.

Taken from The Grief Guidebook: Common Questions, Compassionate Answers, Practical Suggestions

Question: What special day are you facing next? What are your concerns or fears? Feel free to comment. We’re in this together.

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