Gary Roe's Blog, page 3

Wishing You a Blessed Thanksgiving

Today I’m writing to wish you a blessed Thanksgiving.

I’ve had a lot of losses. So have you. Yet, I’m thankful. I have been blessed – greatly blessed. I am still blessed – immensely so. 

You are among my many blessings. I thank God for you. 

Thank you for your support and encouragement as I seek to serve grieving hearts well. 

If you’re looking for support for this holiday, here are some links from some past articles on grieving during Thanksgiving:

Thanksgiving While Grieving?

When You’re Missing Someone for Thanksgiving

When Grief Meets Thanksgiving, Who Will Win?

I’m reminded of what the Apostle Paul said in Philippians:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

There is so much in these two verses that hits home with me. 

I can take my anxiety to the Lord. I can choose to pray. I can choose to give thanks.

I need peace. Real peace. Peace of heart and mind. Soul peace. The peace of God.

I want the peace of God to guard my heart and mind. 

I am in Christ. He lives in me. No matter how things appear, I am accepted, loved, and secure in Him. 

Again, I can choose to give thanks. 

Be kind to yourself.

The post Wishing You a Blessed Thanksgiving first appeared on Gary Roe.

How do I deal with this awful anxiety?

I feel shaky inside.

I’m skittish and nervous.

I’m anxious about everything now.

What is happening to me?

How do I deal with this?

Anxiety is extremely common during times of loss.

Most of us deal with some anxiety on a daily basis. We live in an anxious world. Some of us come from trauma-ridden childhoods and challenging backgrounds. If we’re honest, most of us have reason to live in a state of high anxiety.

We all have a somewhat different anxiety baseline. This is the “normal” amount of anxiety we experience and deal with amid routine, everyday life. Some have a higher anxiety baseline than others.

No matter our baseline, however, anxiety naturally increases with a loss. For some of us, a death can send our anxiety soaring off the charts.

Anxiety attacks become common. Panic attacks are not unusual. Ongoing high anxiety plagues many grieving hearts.

When anxiety strikes, we feel hijacked. Something invades and takes us over. We feel ourselves losing control. It feels like our own minds and bodies are betraying us. We can think we’re losing it or going crazy.

The reality is that our hearts have been hit hard by the death of someone we love. Our worlds have been forcefully altered. We live in a different world now, one without our friend or loved one. All the change is staggering and unnerving. Anxiety is the natural result.

When anxiety comes, breathe deeply. It’s important to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. This activates your parasympathetic nervous system and sends a calming message to your brain. If you can, practice deep breathing several times a day when you’re not anxious. The more your practice, the better able you will be to initiate this helpful skill when you need it most.

Acknowledge and accept the anxiety. “I’m feeling anxious, and that’s okay.” Identify, if you can, the thought behind the anxiety. “I’m feeling anxious because I’m wondering about the future.” The more you accept the anxiety and where it’s coming from, the less power it will have.

Fleeing the anxiety is not helpful. Fighting it is fruitless. Both roads only give the anxiety more power and influence. Instead, accept it. By accepting the anxiety, you unplug its dread. Tell yourself, “I’m anxious and that’s okay. I’m grieving.”

Affirmation: I’ll remember that anxiety is natural and common in grief. I’ll accept the anxiety when it comes and accept myself in the moment as best I can.

Suggestions:

When you find yourself getting anxious, please consider implementing the following tips.

Begin breathing deeply. Do this for several minutes. This will help calm your mind and heart so that you can begin to process what you’re feeling and thinking. Please see the end of chapter five for a more detailed explanation of the skill of deep breathing.Acknowledge the anxiety. Try to identify the thoughts that led to this anxiety spike. Express this out loud or in writing.Accept where you are in the moment. Tell yourself, “I’m anxious right now, and that’s okay. I’m grieving.”

Increased anxiety is extremely common on the grief journey. When anxiety comes, acknowledge it, express it, and accept it as part of your grief process.

Excerpt from The Grief Guidebook: Common Questions, Compassionate Answers, Practical Suggestions.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7)

Question: Have you struggled with anxiety since your loss? Feel free to share by commenting below.

The post How do I deal with this awful anxiety? first appeared on Gary Roe.

Why Does This Hurt So Much?

My heart is in such pain.

I feel like I’m in pieces.

I’ve never experienced anything like this.

Why does this hurt so much?

Loss hits our hearts. The pain of losing someone we love can be deep and debilitating.

We are designed for relationship. We come out of the womb screaming for connection. We attach. We are loved, and we learn to love in return. At first, we are dependent.

Over time, we become interdependent. At some point, you attached to your loved one. A special bond was created.

Your loved one was unique in human history. There has never been another person exactly like them, and there never will be again (even if they were a twin). The same is true of you.

This means that your relationship was also one-of-a-kind. Unique. Special. Priceless.

No one can truthfully say, “I know how you feel.” No, they don’t. They are not you. It wasn’t their loved one or their relationship.

Your grief is your own. It is an individual, solitary, and lonely journey.

You were designed for relationship and wired for connection. Separation is painful and can be devastating.

Your pain honors your loved one. When you hurt, you’re saying, “I love you.”

Affirmation: Losing someone I love is painful. I give myself permission to hurt and to grieve.

Suggestions:

Grief feels lonely because our loss is one-of-a-kind. When you’re hurting, here are some things to consider:

Please know that the pain you’re experiencing is natural and common for those enduring a close, personal loss. Nothing strange is happening. Your heart has been hit and you’re feeling the weight of the blow.Do your best to accept yourself in the moment and give yourself permission to hurt. This is painful.Consider expressing your pain by talking out loud, writing it out in a journal, or sharing with someone you consider safe and trustworthy. Your pain is worthy of attention. You loved the one you lost – and you love them still. Giving yourself permission to hurt will be important in your grief process.

Excerpt from The Grief Guidebook: Common Questions, Compassionate Answers, Practical Suggestions.

I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping. My eye wastes away because of grief… (Psalm 6:6-7a)

Question: Have you been surprised by the pain of loss? Feel free to share by commenting below.

The post Why Does This Hurt So Much? first appeared on Gary Roe.

Where Did Everyone Go?

“Where did everyone go?”

I’ve heard this statement many times from grieving hearts.

After a loss, our relationships begin to change. People pull back. Some disappear. Others try to support us but have no idea what to do. Still others evaluate us and tell us what to do.

The following is an excerpt from Comfort for Grieving Hearts. I think you’ll be able to relate to the Grieving Heart in this chapter. I hope you find these words comforting and encouraging today.

WHERE DID EVERYONE GO?

FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:

This would be easier if it weren’t for the people around me. At least, that’s the way it feels.

Right after you left, people were everywhere. Tears. Hugs. “I’m so sorry.” “I’m here for you.” “Whatever you need.”

Where did they all go? They disappeared. Evaporated into thin air. Poof!

No one has called, texted, or emailed. No one has made the effort to check on me. No one has mentioned your name. When I’m with people, they pretend like nothing ever happened.

But something has happened. You’re gone, and you’re not coming back. My heart is broken. I’m in pieces. No one notices. They just step over the rubble and continue on.

I’m not saying that no one has been helpful. Some have. I’m not saying that everyone is insensitive. Some have been kind and caring.

I’m saying that most people seem to want to wish this away, and the result is that I feel invisible, crushed, and abandoned.

Losing you was more than enough. I hadn’t counted on the betrayal of others.

Yeah, I’m angry.

When loss strikes, it affects more than we may have realized at first. A strand of our web has been severed and now all of life is unsettled. Other strands get strained and stretched. Some might fray under the strain.

Relationships are dynamic. They never stay still. We’re always growing closer or more distant, usually in small, hardly perceptible ways. When we lose someone, our relationships are jostled. We head into a season of grief and pain.

Our relationships become more precious to us and we need the support and love of others during this time. Unfortunately, few people know how to care for a grieving heart. When we don’t know what to do, we often end up doing nothing.

The initial loss often results in other losses. People don’t come through for us, and we feel hurt, betrayed, or even abandoned. Our sense of loneliness grows, and so does our anger. Our hearts, longing to be seen, heard, and cared for, are further devastated and want to slink away into hiding.

Loss is painful, and grief is a lonely, rocky road. Finding good traveling companions can be difficult and challenging.

No one understands how we feel. It’s our loss and our lives. It is our grief – uniquely ours. When those we counted on don’t even bother to show up, angry disappointment is the natural result. We must give ourselves permission to hurt over these new losses. We can find healthy ways to express the anger that comes.

Thankfully, not everyone will disappear. Others we haven’t counted on will step forward. New people will surface. We might feel alone, but this grief road is well populated with fellow travelers. We aren’t the only passengers on this roller-coaster.

Affirmation: Though some people might disappoint me, I will grieve as best I can, given the circumstances.

Praise the Lord.Praise the Lord, my soul. I will praise the Lord all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live. Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save. (Psalm 146:1-3)

Excerpt from Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss

Comfort for Grieving Hearts has been revised and expanded into other books specifically for the loss of a spouse, a child, and a parent. You can check out the entire Comfort Series here.

Question: Have you experienced changes in your relationships since your loss? What has that been like for you? Feel free to share by commenting below.

The post Where Did Everyone Go? first appeared on Gary Roe.

What do I do when grief leads to anger?

I’m angry about what happened.

Surely someone could have done something.

Why did this have to happen? Why do we have to die?

What do I do with this anger?

Anger is a powerful emotion. It is a natural and common part of the grief process.

Almost everyone experiences anger of some kind during times of loss. Someone important to us is no longer here. Our lives have been disrupted and upended. Since we’re relational and wired for connection, our hearts wince and writhe against the loss.

Anger looks for a target. We begin looking for someone to blame. Who is responsible for this? Who messed up? Who could have intervened and didn’t?

We might blame those around the person when they died. We could hold medical staff or other professionals responsible. We could turn the anger on ourselves. We might even blame the deceased. Many blame God.

Anger is natural. Though it’s a powerful emotion, it’s not inherently negative. Emotions in their essence are neutral. It’s what we choose to do with them that ends up being negative or positive, unhealthy or healthy.

Anger will be expressed, one way or another. See it as part of your grief and seek proactive healthy ways to “get it out.”

Here are some options:

Exercise! This is a wonderful means of taking the edge off our anger.Scream out loud (in private, of course).Punch a pillow or use a punching bag.Express your anger in writing – journal, letters, poetry, etc.Express your anger through art – drawing, painting, etc.Breathe deeply and see yourself blowing the anger out.

Anger that is not purposefully expressed in healthy ways will eventually leak out in ways that you will most likely regret.

Take your anger seriously. Acknowledge it. “I’m angry.” Identify the thought behind it if you can.

“I’m angry because I am powerless to bring my loved one back!” Accept the anger as best you can. As you accept and process your anger, you will learn and grow from it rather than being controlled by it.

Affirmation: If anger comes, I will acknowledge and accept it as a natural part of my grief. As I express my anger in healthy ways, I will heal and grow.

Excerpt from The Grief Guidebook: Common Questions, Compassionate Answers, Practical Suggestions.

Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. (Psalm 4:4)

Question: Have you dealt with anger since your loss? Feel free to share by commenting below.

The post What do I do when grief leads to anger? first appeared on Gary Roe.

When Grief Leads to Guilt

After the death of a loved one, guilt tends to surface. We wonder what we could’ve done that we didn’t. There are things we did and said that we regret.

“I feel guilty,” is a common statement from grieving hearts.

The following is an excerpt from Comfort for Grieving Hearts. I think you’ll be able to relate to the Grieving Heart in this chapter. I hope you find these words comforting and encouraging today.

I FEEL GUILTY

FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:

Surely, I could have done something that would have made a difference. I laid awake last night, thinking of all I might have done or said that could have prevented this. I wanted to be able to stop you from leaving. Perhaps I can do something to bring you back?

Ridiculous, I know. Yet, my heart seems stuck there. Deep down, I believe that this is my fault. I feel guilty.

After all, someone must be responsible, right? And not knowing who that is, it might as well be me.

Is this another form of sadness? Am I mad at myself? Was I in the wrong place at the wrong time? Is this more of me trying to make sense out of what I can’t seem to accept?

Strangely, sometimes the guilt feels good. I seem to need a target for this pain, even if that target is me. Otherwise, it all seems completely random and by chance, and that’s simply too terrifying for my soul to contemplate right now.

I would rather feel guilty.

When tragedy happens, at first, we’re stunned. When we come to our senses, we begin to wonder who’s responsible for the current situation. We naturally look for someone to blame. Our anger and angst need a target.

And often, the most convenient target is ourselves.

When loss attacks, guilt is usually not far behind.

Some of us are quite familiar with guilt. We grew up with it. It has been our frequent, often uncomfortable companion. Guilt moves in and unpacks its bags. It makes a home in our hearts.

Guilt is noisy. It’s always speaking, filling our minds with its words and subtle accusations. Guilt’s voice becomes so familiar, we begin to confuse it with our own.

Yes, it’s our fault. It always is.

Guilt may be a frequent guest, but he is not our friend. His accusations and influence profit nothing. Entertaining him too much naturally leads to depression that is more than temporary. Wherever possible, it’s best to recognize him, call him out, and send him packing.

Guilt is common and natural in grief. How we respond to it can make a big difference.

Affirmation: Guilt is not my friend. I must find ways to show him the door.

Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion… (Psalm 103:1-4)

Excerpt from Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss

Comfort for Grieving Hearts has been revised and expanded into other books specifically for the loss of a spouse, a child, and a parent. You can check out the entire Comfort Series here.

Question: Have you felt guilty since the death of your loved one? Feel free to share by commenting below.

The post When Grief Leads to Guilt first appeared on Gary Roe.

How Could This Happen?

This can’t be real. It just can’t.

I can’t believe it. It doesn’t make any sense.

This is all wrong somehow.

How could this happen?

When we first hear the news of the death of someone we love, our hearts are stunned. Our minds freeze. Even our bodies can go into shock.

Perhaps we start spouting questions. What? Where? When? How? How is this possible? How could this happen to them?

Maybe we’re so stunned that nothing comes out of our mouths. We find ourselves wobbly and feeling for a place to sit down. Some of us might faint or become nauseated.

Even if death was expected, nothing could have prepared us for our friend or loved one’s final breath. Life always departs in an instant. Even though we knew it was coming, a sense of shock descends upon us.

We are relational creatures. We are interdependent and belong to each other. We get deeply connected. We love and are loved in return. When death invades and suddenly separates us from someone we care about, our hearts writhe in disbelief. Something about this feels wrong somehow. Our hearts scream, “No! How could this happen?”

We don’t want this to be real. We don’t want to believe it. Our minds can even reason, “If I don’t accept this, perhaps it won’t be real after all.”

Loss is shocking, even if we think we’re prepared for it. The death of someone we love is stunning and momentarily paralyzing.

Your heart might be railing against the loss you’re experiencing. This initial sense of shock can come and go over the months ahead. Let your heart ask the questions. Give yourself permission to be stunned.

Affirmation: Loss is shocking. I may have a sense of shock and disbelief about this loss in the months ahead.

Suggestions: When you’re experiencing shock and disbelief, please consider the following:

Know that this is natural and common. Most grieving hearts go in and out of a sense of shock repeatedly in their grief journey.Give yourself permission to be where you are. Accept yourself as you are, in the moment, as best you can. Your heart has been hit. You’re stunned.Practice taking deep breaths when you can. This is more beneficial than you might think. We’ll talk more about the skill of deep breathing later. Moving in and out of shock is to be expected in the grief process.

Excerpt from The Grief Guidebook: Common Questions, Compassionate Answers, Practical Suggestions.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. (Psalm 42:11)

Question: Have you felt stunned or shocked since your loss? Feel free to share by commenting below.

The post How Could This Happen? first appeared on Gary Roe.

“I Don’t Know How to Do This!”

“I don’t know how to do this.”

I have certainly felt that way. Have you?

Loss catapults us into a new world. We’ve never been here before. We don’t know what to do or how to be.

The following is an excerpt from my book, Comfort for Grieving Hearts. I hope you find this brief chapter comforting and helpful. I’ll bet you can relate…

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS

FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:

I miss you. I know I say that a lot, but it’s true.

I could say, “I love you.” That’s still true too. It always will be.

I guess that means that I’ll always miss you. I can’t imagine life without you, even though that’s the life I’m living now. I think it will be a long time before I stop looking for you. I keep expecting you to come around the corner, to text, or to call.

I don’t know how to do this. I feel terrible. I’m sad. I feel alone. Everyone’s looking at me, like they’re trying to size up how I’m doing. People I counted on have disappeared. I guess they don’t know what to do with this either.

Why did you have to go? I know this is final, but my heart keeps trying to find a way to reverse history and make you appear. I’m not ready to let you go. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.

I love you. I miss you.

We miss them. Love runs deep in the heart. Once it takes up residence, it will not be dislodged or evicted. Love remains. Love endures all things. It knows no time limit.

Yes, we will always miss them. Love has carved a permanent place for them in our hearts and lives. Their physical presence may be gone, yet they somehow linger. Their words, actions, and influence remain, hovering around us, bouncing about in our minds. Memories have become painful and wonderful at the same time.

When loss strikes the heart, we naturally withdraw a little. Stunned, we need time to collect ourselves and begin to tussle with the unwanted and the unthinkable. We’re not ourselves at present. Our family and friends notice this and often don’t know what to do with it.

We feel alone. Grief is naturally a lonely process, even if we’re surrounded by people. “I’m alone in a crowd,” one grieving heart said.

We miss them because we love them. We will continue loving and missing them. We might find ourselves looking for them in familiar places.

Their absence will stun us again and again.

We loved, and so we grieve.

Affirmation: I’m missing you. Feeling alone is natural when grieving.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6

Excerpt from Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss

Comfort for Grieving Hearts has been revised and expanded into other books specifically for the loss of a spouse, a child, and a parent. You can check out the entire Comfort Series here.

Question: “I don’t know how to do this!” Have you felt this way in your grief process? What was that like? Feel free to comment below.

The post “I Don’t Know How to Do This!” first appeared on Gary Roe.

Everyone Wants Me to Feel Better

“Everyone wants me to feel better.”

I’ve felt that a lot. I’ll bet you have too.

It seems that loss and pain are unpopular in our world (even though everyone experiences them). We run from pain.

We get a variety of reactions. Some avoid us. Some try to fix us. Some dole out unsolicited advice. Some judge us.

Other love us as best they can, but they don’t know what to say or what to do.

Everyone wants us to feel better.

What do we do with that?

The following is an excerpt from Comfort for Grieving Hearts. I think you’ll be able to relate to the Grieving Heart is this chapter.

I hope you find this brief chapter comforting, encouraging, and helpful.

EVERYONE WANTS ME TO FEEL BETTER

FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:

I feel like a robot. I’m going through the motions. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Why can’t life just stop for a while?

This is unfair. Even cruel. Everyone expects me to go on as usual, as if I’m doing great and the same person I was before you left.

Ridiculous. I’m not the same. How could I be? If I just went on as before, what would that say about you and our relationship?

You’re important to me, whether you’re here or not. I love you. I miss you. Why can’t the world accept that? Why can’t my own friends and family accept that?

Everyone wants me to feel better. No one wants me to be hurting. But how realistic is that? Expecting me to be “fine” is like expecting a head-on collision to have no effect whatsoever on the cars or people involved.

People aren’t supposed to leave. Yes, we all die. Yes, I know that’s natural. But it’s all wrong somehow. You should be here.

I want you here.

Yes, this is ridiculous.

There is much about loss and grief which makes logical sense, but emotionally our hearts have trouble grappling with it. We’re wired for relationship and built for connection. Over time, our lives become a web of relationships.

When one strand is severed, our entire life-web reverberates with the shock.

One person leaves and our whole life shakes. Much like breaking a leg, we become instantly focused on the pain and its source. What once was simple, like walking, has become excruciatingly painful and almost impossible. Routine, everyday life immediately changes into a set of Mount Everest-like challenges.

The rest of the world seems unchanged. Others’ webs have not been struck, and their lives move along as usual. It feels like we’ve been transported to another planet and are being forced to live a different life trying to navigate unruly emotions and unrealistic expectations.

Ridiculous. Yes, that’s a good word for it.

Yes, there may be times we might feel like robots. We go through the motions, doing our best to stay functional. There is so much going on inside us, far more than we can understand, feel, or manage all at once. As much as possible, we take one moment, one step at a time. We let the grief be what it is. We try to accept ourselves as we are, in this moment.

Affirmation: I’ll work on accepting myself while grieving, one moment, one step at a time.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Excerpt from Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss

Comfort for Grieving Hearts has been revised and expanded into other books specifically for the loss of a spouse, a child, and a parent. You can check out the entire Comfort Series here.

Question: Since your loss, have you felt like everyone wants you to feel better? What’s that like for you? What have you found helpful in dealing with this? Feel free to comment below.

The post Everyone Wants Me to Feel Better first appeared on Gary Roe.

Who Else am I Going to Lose?

I can’t believe this happened.

If this can happen, then anything can happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime.

I find myself wondering, “Who’s next?”

Who else am I going to lose?

One loss usually leads to fear of another. For some, this terror is obvious in our words and actions. For others, our fear of more loss lurks within our hearts and minds.

After the death of someone we love, we look at life and people differently. Life has become unpredictable. The world might seem less safe, more dangerous. We look at the people around us. We naturally begin to wonder what else might happen and to whom.

We become cautious and protective. We find ourselves wanting to take everyone we love and lock them away in a vault somewhere. We start marshaling our energies to make sure that nothing else bad happens to us or to anyone we care about. Instead of saying, “See you soon,” we find ourselves admonishing them, “Be careful out there. Stay safe.”

Fear is extremely common in grief. Famed writer and scholar C. S. Lewis put it this way after the death of his wife: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”

After a heavy loss, most of us worry about more. We worry about people, finances, adverse circumstances, and potential “what if’s.” We worry about ourselves and our ability to handle all this. We worry about the future.

Worry naturally leads to fear. Fear in turn fuels worry. Worry sparks more fear, which can morph into terror.

Breathe deeply for a moment. Breathe in through your nose and then out through your mouth. Again. Do this for about a minute.

Now ask yourself the following questions and see which ones resonate best with you:

What do I find myself focusing on and worrying about?What frightens or scares me right now?What terrifies me?

Do what you can to process these thoughts. Think about it. Be honest and open with yourself about your fears. Share with someone you trust. Write about these fears in a journal. Work on expressing what’s inside you and get these lurking fears out into the open.

You’ve been hit hard. If you’ve been hit enough in life, it’s natural to wonder when the next blow is coming. “Who else am I going to lose?” is a common question bouncing inside grieving hearts.

Affirmation: Fear is often a part of grief. I’ll be honest with myself about my fears and work on expressing them in healthy ways.

Excerpt from The Grief Guidebook: Common Questions, Compassionate Answers, Practical Suggestions.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Question: Have you been concerned about more loss since the death of your loved one? Feel free to share by commenting below.

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