Gary Roe's Blog, page 9

COVID Era Loss: A Total Grief Disaster

This is a tough post to write. It will be hard to read. But it’s true. We’ve lived it. We’re still living it.

COVID. Coronavirus disease.

Two-and-a-half years ago, we had never heard of it. Today, it seems to work it’s way into almost every conversation.

The COVID Era has been one of tumultuous upheaval, change, uncertainty, and death.

I’m certain almost all of us have experienced the death of someone we know during this time.

Many of us have endured the deaths of several of our loved ones and close friends.

We experienced other deaths during this time too. We are still experiencing them.

All the rules changed.

Our lives were squeezed, restricted, and locked down.

Our routines of work, relationship, and life were shattered.

We were separated from our loved ones. We could not get to them. We were kept from them.

We were left wondering what was happening. On edge, we waited for information, calls, and updates.

We didn’t get to hold their hands. We didn’t get to tell them we loved them over and over again.

We didn’t get to say goodbye.

They died without us.

For some time, we could not gather. Funerals and memorial services were put off, postponed, or held virtually. More weirdness. More separation. More frustration.

On top of all that, many have deep questions about what happened and why. Some

I could go on and on. COVID has brought with it a plague of grief complications. None of us realizes the depth of the damage it has wrought on us.

Simply put, the COVID Era has been a grief disaster of epic proportions. It has changed our world. It has changed us.

How do we unpack all this?

How do we heal from the shocking pain this era has inflicted upon us?

How do we adjust and grieve well amid all these challenges?

This is what our next Zoom Virtual Hangout will be about. I don’t exactly know when that will be yet. I’ll keep you posted.

Though loneliness is a big part of grief, none of us is alone. We’re in this together.

Please be patient with yourself today. This is hard.

Question: Have you experienced COVID Era losses and deaths? What has been hardest for you?

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Finally, Some Good News

This day is a special one for me – March 16.

The date, 3-16, reminds me of John 3:16 in the Bible. For me, it’s a powerful fear-not verse:

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life.

As people grieving amid a world of grief, we desperately need to be seen, heard, and understood. We need to be loved – truly loved.

The word love is this verse is the Greek word agape. It was rarely used in Jesus’ day, because it meant perfect love – love that acts for the ultimate good of the other person at all times in all situations. Agape is completely selfless love.

Though the word agape was rarely used because it was viewed to be unattainable, it is used all over the New Testament to describe God’s love for us.

Try reading John 3:16 again – and this time insert your own name for “the world”.

“For God so loved _________…”

You are loved. He sees you. He hears your heart. He knows you.

Many of us might say, “How can He love me when…?”

Our human tendency is to let what happens to us and around us rule our lives. Life is full of loss, hardship, and difficulty. Most of life is about overcoming, rising above what’s happening, and loving those around us.

John 3:16 is not about God delivering us from loss, grief, and pain. It’s about rescuing us from ourselves – our pride, greed, envy, jealousy, selfishness, dysfunction, and self-destructiveness.

I’ll speak for myself. I’m a mess. All of the above apply to me, in some form, every day. I am in constant need of forgiveness.

My soul cries out to be seen, heard, forgiven, loved, and completely accepted. My heart longs for real life – something far beyond anything that this world can offer.

Above and beyond all the noise of our circumstances and situations, John 3:16 whispers, “I love you. I have given you my Son.”

Our brokenness, failures, and sin were shouldered by Jesus on the cross. The Son of God died there in our place. Three days later, He rose and conquered death.

He offers us total forgiveness. He offers us life – His life – eternal life.

That’s good news indeed.

Amid all the turmoil, pain, and fear, John 3:16 calls to me again today.

“For God so loved Gary that He gave…”

Question: How are you handling this current world situation? What do you hear God saying to you through John 3:16?

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How Faith Can Make a Difference in Grief

If anyone had told me what the last two years were going to be like, I wouldn’t have believed them. I still have trouble believing a lot of what I’m seeing around me in the world. Perhaps you are too.

Our own losses combined with the current world upheaval can rattle us spiritually. It’s enough to make our souls tremble.

A few months ago, I met a new friend. His name is Reid Peterson.

Reid founded Grief Refuge. He asked me if I would be willing to be on his podcast to talk about Faith and Grief.

I loved doing this interview, partly because of Reid (he is so laid back and easy to talk to) and partly because this subject – Faith and Grief – is one of my favorites.

The podcast interview is about 30 minutes long. Because of the nature of the topic – and what is said in the interview – I would recommend (if possible) that you put aside distractions and listen to it one sitting.

My hope and prayer is that…

You will be able to resonate with a lot of what is said.You will find something comforting, hopeful, encouraging, and healing.You will learn something fresh about the connection between faith and your grief process, no matter where you are spiritually.

You can listen to the podcast here.

Well, what did you think?

Has faith been important to you in your grief journey?

Has your loss surfaced spiritual questions and doubts?

Is there anything you would like me to be praying about for you?

It’s truly an honor to be in this with you. Though we are all unique and our losses all different, we can still walk together. Thank goodness.

Peace and comfort to you today.

Consider leaving a comment. Perhaps answer one or several of the questions above. Sharing like this not only helps you, but others who are reading this post. Thank you!

Additional Resources:

10 Spiritual Truths about Loss and Healing – Belief Net

When Loss Leads to Spiritual Fatigue and Numbness – garyroe.com

10 Myths about Grief Most of Us Believe – Belief Net

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Grief can be sneaky, sneaky, sneaky.

Grief can be sneaky.

When I experience a loss. Some grief comes out. Some stays inside.

Over time, the grief that stays inside begins to build up. Soon or later, it leaks out (or spews out).

When I began working as a hospice chaplain – over a dozen years ago now – I noticed that about once a month I began to feel a tightness in my chest. The tightness would last several days.

Then suddenly one morning I would find myself weeping – more like sobbing – in the shower.

After this happened four or five times, I began to get a clue.

My own grief mixed with the grief of others had built up. It had to come out. And it did.

Now, here I am a dozen years later, and guess what?

About every month or two, I get a familiar heaviness in my chest. Within a day or two, I find myself more emotional than usual.

At some point, the built-up grief begins cascading out.

No matter how well self-aware I am, how well I know grief, or how well I am processing my grief, I will never get all the grief out.

I am grieving every day, on some level, about something.

I am surrounded by grieving people every day. Everyone is grieving about something.

And the depth and intensity of the grief in our world is deepening by the day.

I am grateful now for that tightness in my chest. I call it my “grief tell” (the grief is telling me it’s there and needs to come out).

Do you have a “grief tell”?

Are there “signs” or indicators of when your grief is building up and needs to come out?

Of course, the obvious answer to dealing with grief build-up is to “get the grief out” and process it as we go by talking, writing, exercising, etc.

But again, it’s impossible to get ALL the grief out. It builds up in all of us, bit-by-bit.

Grief can indeed be sneaky.

So, when the built-up grief leaks or spews out, don’t be afraid or concerned. Let it come. Feel the grief. Express it. Let it flow out of you.

As a follower of Jesus, I think about how people in the Bible dealt with “grief build-up”.

When grief came, they expressed it. They talked to God about it. They opened their hearts and poured the grief out.

For example, in Psalm 31, King David (1000 BC) says…

Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.

In Psalm 35, David says…

I went about mourning as though for my friend or brother. I bowed my head in grief as though weeping for my mother.

When grief came, David expressed it. He poured it out to God.

David knew that, no matter what, he was never alone. He chose to seek God and trust Him, despite what his emotions or circumstances might tell him. He had learned to raise his eyes from the situational grief weeds surrounding him and set his mind on God and the bigger picture.

How do you deal with grief build-up?

I’m grieving with you today. We’re all grieving in many ways. Our world is broken. Life often “falls apart”.

Grieve well, my friend. Let your heart speak. Get it out. Let the grief come.

Question: Do you have a “grief tell”? Does your mind or body let you know when the grief is “building up” inside?

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Ever felt stuck in grief?

Grief can be sneaky.

A couple of months ago, Liz Carey, a writer for GoodRx, contacted me wanting to do an article on how to live with grief.

As we talked, the interview took a different direction than I had anticipated. Liz asked me if I had personally ever felt stuck in grief.

I responded, “Yes, but I didn’t know it was grief.”

“Could you tell me more about that?” Liz asked.

What came next was a story of delayed grief that deeply affected my life for over two decades.

You can read Liz’s article here –  Living with Grief: The Heartache of Losing Someone Can Catch Up with You Later.

We put off grief sometimes. The truth is, we simply can’t process it all.

So grief keeps popping up. Over and over. Even decades later.

We love deeply, don’t we?

Have you felt stuck in grief? What was (or is) that like for you?

If you currently feel stuck, is there anything that you sense would help?

This journey is hard. So much is unknown and unpredictable. Please take good care of yourself.

And please feel free to reach out here anytime. You are not alone.

Consider making a comment. Perhaps answer one of the questions above. This not only helps you, but all those who are reading this today. Thank you!

Need a book for yourself or someone else? Check out Gary’s Book Page.

The post Ever felt stuck in grief? first appeared on Gary Roe.

“We’re swimming in grief!”

I don’t know about you, but I see grief everywhere.

A few weeks ago, Diane Hullet asked me to be on her podcast to talk about this very thing. As Diane said, “It feels like we’re all swimming in grief.”

The world has changed. The world is changing.

Our old normal is long gone. We have no idea what our new normal is going to be.

In her podcast, Diane and I talked about how change, loss, and grief impact every area of life.

Loss impacts us emotionally. Sadness, anger, frustration, fear, anxiety, guilt, depression, panic, numbness, and even despair descend upon us. The emotional upheaval can be unnerving and paralyzing.

Loss impacts us mentally. Our focus, concentration, and mental acuity take a hit. Brain fog, mental fatigue, and memory issues all tend to be exacerbated.

Loss impacts us physically. Symptoms we’re used to experiencing get worse. New symptoms and ailments crop up.

Loss impacts us spiritually. Our souls can be rattled. Our faith can be shaken. Our questions and wonderings multiply.

Loss impacts our relationships. Our entire relational web is jostled. We can feel betrayed, judged, rejected, and abandoned. Isolation and loneliness are huge issues in grief.

Finally, loss impacts our future. We know what was, but we don’t know what will be. The persistent limbo is frustrating.

We can feel like we’re our sense of safety, meaning, purpose, and sanity.

Grief. Yes, it’s everywhere. We’re swimming in it. 

We’re hurting. Our hearts are broken. Our souls cry out.

We long for something more.

We were designed for something more, something greater.

Somehow, our hearts know this.

So, we keep swimming. We rest as we can. We pace ourselves.

We close our eyes and remind ourselves that now is not forever. 

We remember the buddy system. It’s never a good idea to swim alone.

If you would like to listen to my interview with Diane, you can do so here.

Please remember that you are not alone. Far from it.

Question: Do you feel like you’re immersed in grief? What is “swimming in grief” like for you? Please feel free to comment. Your thoughts will encourage and comfort others.

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“Happy” New Year? Well…

I hope the first few days of 2022 has treated you well.

First of all, forgive me. I’m behind. Here it is, January 6, and I haven’t wished you a Happy New Year yet.

I have a good excuse, however. COVID visited our family for Christmas, and some of us are still feeling the effects of it.

For me, the biggest challenges are the fatigue and the brain fog.

Brain fog doesn’t go well with writing, speaking, and grief coaching. Prayers would be appreciated!

As grieving people, we know all about brain fog, don’t we? Ugh…

Second, allow me to officially greet you in 2022.

Having said that, I must admit that “Happy New Year” has never resonated well with me.

“Happy” just doesn’t seem to to fit.

Peaceful. Blessed. Healing. Hopeful. I like those words better.

Overcoming. I like that word the best.

So much of life is about overcoming.

So much of life is about living with grief, moving through our grief, and using our grief as fuel for good.

So much of life is about facing obstacles and difficulties and finding new strength and courage in the midst of them.

So much of life seems to be about learning to live above and beyond all that happens to us and around us.

I find myself thinking of Psalm 3:5-6. Listen to this:

“I lie down and sleep; I wake again because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side.”

In this Psalm, King David finds himself betrayed by his own son, surrounded by enemies, and fleeing for his life.

Sometimes, it can seem like everything is against us. We can feel hemmed in. Stuck. Trapped. Frightened. Paralyzed.

We tend to stare at what’s right in front of us. We can get lost in the “what seems to be” and all the “what ifs.”

King David’s heart had been well trained over the years. He knew how to handle grief, hardship, failure, difficulty, opposition, betrayal, and potential disaster.

I can almost see David breathing deeply, closing his eyes for a moment, and reminding himself of what he knew to be true.

“I lie down and sleep; I wake again because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side.”

What do you hear in King David’s words? Is there anything there that can be an encouragement to you today?

Here’s to an Overcoming 2022. One moment, one step at a time.

Until next time,

Gary

P.S. If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know. I look forward to serving and supporting you in 2022. I’m glad we’re in this together.

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Merry Christmas from me to you…

Merry Christmas Eve to you.

This year has been, well, difficult. Painful. Sad. Confusing.

Grief – laced with a lot of fear – is in the air.

This morning, the word “groan” is stuck in my head.

If you listen closely, you can hear it. We are groaning.

Our hearts are broken. Our world is in upheaval. Our old normal is long gone.

And we don’t know what’s coming next.

Rewind a little over 2000 years ago to the first Christmas.

People were groaning.

People were groaning under the oppression of the Roman Empire.

People were groaning in the vice of economic distress and uncertainty.

People were groaning under the weight of their own personal tragedies and losses.

People were on the move back to their ancestral hometown to register for a census ordered by Caesar Augustus.

In the town of Bethlehem, a young teen was groaning in labor in a stable. There was no room for her anywhere else.

With her man at her side, she gave birth to a son. She wrapped her newborn in rags. His bed was a feed trough.

Amid all this groaning, at least four times in the overall Christmas narrative God says, “Do not be afraid.”

Here’s the last one:

But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

(Luke 2:10-12)

A poverty-stricken young couple away from home. A stable. Rags and a feed trough. Savior. Messiah. Lord.

Not exactly the beginning we might have expected for One who would be called King of kings and Lord of lords.

While the power brokers toyed with their illusions of control and the world was oblivious, a watershed event in history played out in a small, seemingly insignificant corner of Judea.

God was at work behind the scenes. Things are often not what they appear.

Thank goodness.

“Do not be afraid.”

Amid the upheaval and uncertainty.

Amid the anxiety and worry.

Amid the national crises and global shaking.

Amid the grief and the loneliness.

“Do not be afraid.”

I don’t know about you, but I am sick of fear. I have lived in fear and worry so often in my life. I want to be done with that.

I know fear will come knocking, but I don’t have to let it in the living room of my heart. I want to choose love instead.

“Do not be afraid.”

Merry Christmas to you.

Question: Are you struggling with fear? Feel free to comment and share. Just expressing what we’re afraid of can help.

Related resources:

Fear is Tough on Grieving Hearts – article

Grief Soundbites: Fear – Gary Roe YouTube

3 Things I Wish for You This Christmas – article

The post Merry Christmas from me to you… first appeared on Gary Roe.

Fear is tough on grieving hearts – and fear is everywhere…

This week, we had a couple of Zoom sessions called “Grief in a World Gone Crazy.“

The response to these sessions was so good, I decided to put the video up on YouTube. You can watch it here.

If you don’t have time to watch, I’ve written a brief summary below. 

We’re grieving. Our own grief was more than enough, and now the whole world is turning upside down. There is a global shaking going on. Fear, anger, anxiety, and depression are through the roof. Hatred is on the rise.

Fear is tough on grieving hearts – and fear is everywhere right now. 

Fear is a powerful motivator. Fear is also a terrible motivator because it causes us to think, say, and do things we would never do. Over time, fear leads to paranoia, which causes us to do even crazier things.

We need to breathe, back up, and remind ourselves of who we are and why we’re here. I shared four things that I’m convinced are true about you.

You were created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).

You are a relational being – designed for relationship with God and other people. You are an emotional being, a volitional being, a decision-making being, and a spiritual being. You are far more complex than you realize.

You are unique (Psalm 139:13-14).

You are one-of-a-kind in human history. There’s never been anyone exactly like you, and there never will be again – even if you’re a twin. You were personally created by God in your mother’s womb. You are far more than just the union of your parents.

You were planned (Acts 17:24-28). 

God determined that time and place where you would be born and live. Your life is not accidental or random – far from it.

You are here for such a time as this (Esther 4:13-14).

Esther lived in perilous times, and so do we. In a time of fear, she faced her own terror and made courageous decisions that altered history and saved innumerable lives. In this era of fear, we too have the opportunity to make courageous decisions that can make a massive difference.

So what do we do?

We continue to grieve well – honestly, authentically, and in healthy ways. We seek to love well – honestly, authentically, and courageously.

Fear is a spiritual problem. Therefore, it must be tackled spiritually. We’ll talk about how to solve this pesky problem in our next Zoom session.

I encourage you to watch the video when you can (about 30 minutes). There’s so much more to this topic than cliff-note summary above. We need all the encouragement we can get right now.

Thanks for reading – and watching. I’m glad we’re in this together.

Be kind to yourself today.

P.S. Want to help reach more grieving hearts? When you watch the video, subscribe to my YouTube channel, hit the “like” button (if you liked it!), then share the video. This helps reach more people than you realize. Thank you!

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Grief, Grief, and More Grief…

I don’t know about you, but everywhere I look these days I see grief.

Grief, grief, and more grief.

Shock. Denial. Sadness. Anger. Confusion. Fear. Anxiety. Regret. Guilt. Depression. Exhaustion. Loss is everywhere.

The world is a mess. I am deeply disturbed by what’s happening to us and around us.

Division, fear, anger, rage, and hate permeate the news. Mob mentality is on the rise.

Our own grief can be mercilessly heavy. What do we do with all this?

The question used to be, “How am I going to navigate this terrible loss?”

Now the question is becoming, “How do I survive my own pain and the pain of this crazy, upside-down world at the same time?”

The game has changed.

I pray more than ever before. I am asking God for wisdom on how to best serve you in these ultra-challenging days of ever-compounding grief.

I know I need to make some shifts if I am going to be an effective voice of healing and hope.

Please join me in praying for wisdom. Look for another email from me about this time next week.

In the meantime, the 3000 year-old wisdom of King Solomon echoes in my brain…

“Above all else, guard your heart. It is the spring from which everything in your life flows.”

“Above all else…” In other words, what follows these words is not a priority, but the priority.

“Guard your heart.” Guard is a military term. Our hearts are under assault.

“It (the heart) is the spring from which everything else in your life flows.” Our hearts are who we are. Our hearts are in danger.

Guard your heart.

So much of what surrounds us, frankly, is just noise. Grieving hearts don’t need noise. We need love. We need hope and peace of mind.

How can you guard your heart today?

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