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Is It Okay to Feel Numb?

At first, I felt everything.

Now, I have trouble feeling anything.

It’s like my heart shut down.

Am I going to be okay?

Is it normal to feel numb?

To say that loss is emotional is a gross understatement. The emotional upheaval is one of the first things we notice about the grief process.

We’ve said before when loss hits the heart, emotion begins to spill out everywhere. The volume and intensity of the emotions can be overwhelming.

Sometimes, however, the emotional weight can become too heavy.

The heart can’t take any more at the moment, and our “feelers” begin to shut down. We can become numb for a time.

This numbness can be for our own protection. If we were to ever feel the full weight of the intensity of our grief, it might kill us.

When an electrical circuit is overloaded, a breaker gets tripped and the flow of electricity is cut off to prevent damage. Gas stations are equipped with emergency fuel stop buttons that shut off all pumps in case of a fire or accident. In the same way, our heart’s “feelers” can shut down when overloaded. This gives our hearts and minds a grief break.

Experiencing some numbness after a loss is common. Most grievers indicate that they “shut down” at some time in their grief journey.

Some go in and out of feeling numb as time goes on.

Going numb doesn’t mean you don’t care. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love the deceased. Numbness isn’t an indication that you are insensitive, unfeeling, or that your heart has departed. Numbness is a temporary break – an emotional rest period – from the overwhelming intensity of the loss.

If you’re numb at present, rest assured your heart is still there. The emotions will return. Keep breathing deeply and accept the numbness as part of your grief process.

Loss and grief clearly teach us that things change. Life is always in flux. Now is not forever. The numbness will change too.

Affirmation:
If I go numb for a while, I’ll accept it as part of my grief.
When I’m ready, my heart will begin to feel again.

Excerpt from  The Grief Guidebook: Common Questions, Compassionate Answers, Practical Suggestions.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. (Psalm 42:5)

Question: Have you experienced emotional numbness since your loss? What was that like? Feel free to share and comment below.

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Why is Grief So Confusing?

I thought life was one way, and now it’s another.

My old life is gone. Where? I don’t know.

My good friend is gone and took my heart with them.

I don’t know which way is up. I feel strange. Weird.

Why is grief so confusing?

For a moment, picture your life as a large spiderweb. Each strand of the web represents one of your relationships. Every strand is different.

Some strands are short, small, and thin, while others by comparison are long, large and thick.

Some strands are central to the entire web, while others are peripheral.

Some strands are strong, while others appear frail and weak.

Now, imagine that one of your strong, thick, central strands was suddenly severed. What would happen?

At best, your entire web would shake. At worst, the web would collapse on itself and be almost unrecognizable.

An important strand of your web has been severed. Your entire web is trembling with the shock. If the strand was central enough, you might even feel like your web is collapsing.

This is disorienting. Everything feels strange. Nothing is quite the same because you are no longer the same. Your web is different now.

The sheer number of changes that occur in your life from one loss is staggering. It’s like you’ve been transported to a different world – an alternate universe – but almost everything looks the same. But it’s not the same. It’s a different world for you.

That’s confusing.

If your world feels strange and surreal at present, please know that this is very common for grieving hearts. Breathe deeply. When massive change occurs, things naturally feel weird for a while – perhaps for quite some time.

Affirmation:
Things can be confusing because so much has changed. I’ll breathe deeply and accept that this confusing weirdness is part of the grief process.

Excerpt from The Grief Guidebook: Common Questions, Compassionate Answers, Practical Suggestions.

When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
    your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
    your consolation brought me joy.

(Psalm 94:18-19, NIV)

Question: Have you experienced confusion since your loss? Feel free to share by commenting below.

The post Why is Grief So Confusing? first appeared on Gary Roe.

Loved, But Lonely in Grief

The grief journey is lonely. Terribly lonely.

The following is a chapter from Soul Cry: Devotional Prayers for Wounded, Grieving, and Suffering Hearts. If you’re dealing with loneliness, chances are you can relate to the grieving heart in this chapter. 

I hope this will be an encouragement and comfort to you today.

Loved, But Lonely
Psalm 23:1-6, NIV

O Lord, Creator and Sustainer of all,
I come to You again today.
You are always with me.
You are here, now.
My heart aches, my soul hurts.
I am consumed with grief and longing.
I am loved, but lonely, so lonely.
Hear my heart, O Perfect Father.

The LORD is my shepherd.
I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
(23:1-2)

I know that if I have You, I have everything.
I know this, LORD,
even as I am trudging through this pain.
You take care of me.
You provide for me.
You are at work in me.
You renew me from the inside out.

You guide me along the right paths for Your name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
(23:3-4)

I will let You guide me.
I will follow You.
You walk with me in this darkness.
This place is not dark to You.
You are my constant companion,
always, each and every moment.
My Lord, my shepherd, my guide, my protector.
You comfort me.
Comfort me, O Lord.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
(23:5)

You provide for me in unusual ways.
You lift me up.
You bless me continually.
Open my eyes to see You and Your blessings.
Though I feel as if I have next to nothing,
remind me that my cup is always overflowing.

Surely your goodness and love will
follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
(23:6)

I do not have to chase Your love and goodness,
for you are always loving and always good,
every day, all day.
Sustain me when my heart trembles,
when my soul goes numb.
You are with me, always.
You are my home.

In Jesus’ name…

Did this chapter from Soul Cry resonate with you?

Please feel free to share a comment or ask a question below.

The post Loved, But Lonely in Grief first appeared on Gary Roe.

I Feel Like a Shadow

“I feel like a shadow.”

I’ve felt that way. I’ve also heard this from many grieving hearts.

Life has changed for us. Our worlds have been altered. Nothing seems the same.

We go through the motions. We’re stunned. We can feel like a shadow of our former selves.

What do we do with this?

The following is an excerpt from Comfort for Grieving Hearts. I think you’ll be able to relate to the Grieving Heart in this chapter. I hope you find these words comforting and encouraging today.

I FEEL LIKE A SHADOW

FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:

I miss you. Your departure has stolen my appetite. I’m never hungry. I forget to eat. I’m dropping weight.

When I do eat, nothing tastes good. I have no desire to eat anything healthy.

Am I punishing myself somehow? Is missing you killing my taste buds?

Eating has become one more thing I don’t have energy for.

Preparation, cooking, and even chewing are draining. My battery is dying, and I have no idea where the charger is.

I know this isn’t good, but I don’t care. I don’t have energy to care much about anything. I sigh a lot. I stare mindlessly into space. I drive places and then have no idea how I got there. Sometimes, I wind up someplace familiar, but not where I intended to go.

I feel like a shadow – a phantom flitting silently through everyone else’s world. I function. I go through the motions. I get stuff done, but I’m not all there. Part of me is with you – thinking about and missing you. When you left, you took a piece of my heart with you.

Tell me this won’t last forever. I know I need to eat, but my heart is starving for you.

Grief is a form of stress. As such, it tends to dull the senses. Our brains think we’re under attack and shift our systems into fight-or-flight mode. Our hearts prioritize. When in battle, food is not on the top of our necessity list.

Grief hits the appetite. It can deaden the taste buds. Most of our energy is focused on emotional survival, and our bodies often pay the price.

We’re not hungry, so we forget to eat. We’re not thirsty, so we neglect to hydrate. We feel tired, even weak. Over time, our clothing gets looser. We notice changes in the mirror. We begin to lose weight.

We’re usually aware of all this, but we don’t have enough emotional energy to care. Apathy comes knocking, and usually gains entrance for a while. Nothing sounds good. We feel like our lives are shrinking, as if we’re slowly fading away.

In most cases, this will pass with time. As we process the loss and feel the grief, our appetite will bounce back. We’ll begin to taste our food again.

Our energy and motivation will return.

Thankfully, now is not forever.

Affirmation: I’ll try to eat well and take care of myself. My loved one would want this.

My eyes have grown dim with grief; my whole frame is but a shadow. (Job 17:7)

Excerpt from Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss

Comfort for Grieving Hearts has been revised and expanded into other books specifically for the loss of a spouse, a child, and a parent. You can check out the entire Comfort Series here.

Question: Have you felt like a shadow of your former self since your loss? Feel free to share by commenting below.

The post I Feel Like a Shadow first appeared on Gary Roe.

Walking Through the Grief Wilderness

The grief wilderness is a dry place. This journey is taxing and full of challenges.

The following is a chapter from Soul Cry: Devotional Prayers for Wounded, Grieving, and Suffering Hearts. Perhaps you can relate to the grieving heart in this chapter. 

I hope this will be an encouragement and comfort to you today.

A Dry Place

Psalm 63:1-8, NIV

You, God, are my God,

earnestly I seek You;

I thirst for You,

my whole being longs for You,

in a dry and parched land where there is no water.

(63:1)

I am shaken, O God.

I don’t know what to think.

I don’t know what to do.

How could this happen?

I seek You. I long for You.

This wilderness threatens to undo me.

My heart cries out for You.

You are greater than all wildernesses.

I have seen you in the sanctuary 

and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life, 

my lips will glorify you.

(63:2-3)

I have experienced Your goodness. You have blessed me immeasurably.

I cling to You and Your love for me.

LORD, reassure my stunned and shaken heart.

May I choose to praise and give thanks, even now, even here.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

(63:4-5)

Now is not forever. Help me to remember this.

This too will pass, though I don’t know how or when.

I have You. I will always have You.

You will lead me through this painful, barren place.

You will meet my needs.

On my bed I remember you;

I think of you through the watches of the night.

Because you are my help,

I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I cling to you;

your right hand upholds me.

(63:6-8)

I rest in You, my Lord and my God.

I trust You.

Help me to trust You more.

In Jesus’ name…

The post Walking Through the Grief Wilderness first appeared on Gary Roe.

The Guilt List Has No End

After the death of someone we love, guilt usually comes knocking. It can be heavy. Persistent. Relentless.

It can feel like the guilt list has no end.

What do we do with this?

The following is an excerpt from Comfort for Grieving Hearts. I think you’ll be able to relate to the Grieving Heart in this chapter. I hope you find these words comforting and encouraging today.

THE GUILT LIST HAS NO END

FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:

I felt nauseated this morning. I don’t have a stomach bug. I’m missing you.

Yes, it’s that bad. Intense. Penetrating.

I’ve done some thinking about guilt. I’m honestly shocked at how prevalent it is. Now that I’m looking for it, I see it everywhere.

I said things I shouldn’t have. I didn’t say things I should have. I know I hurt you, on more than one occasion.

I could have done so much more good for you. I could have expressed my love and care more.

I could have. I should have. If only I hadn’t. If only I had. I wish. What if.

The guilt list has no end. How can I make these things right? Is that possible?

I get it. Guilt is not my friend, but he is very real right now.

How do I deal with this?

When someone departs, we naturally replay our relationship with them.

We look back and review what was said and not said, done and not done.

Wounds from the past surface.

Once loss strikes, our hearts are left to grapple with regrets, missed opportunities, and crushed hopes. Some plans and dreams have been shattered.

We want to take responsibility for what we did and said. We want to clear things up and make things right somehow. Our souls squirm under the pressure of unresolved issues and unfinished relational business. This is natural and common.

Many find it helpful to write a letter to their loved one, expressing their love and their regrets. Asking forgiveness is important and healthy.

Though we get no response, confessions like these are good for the soul. If we don’t want to write it out, we can speak it. Some set up an empty chair and imagine their loved one there. We can ask their forgiveness and express our love.

Forgiving ourselves can be hard. Our hearts want to hang on. For some reason, we feel that letting go of guilt means walking away and leaving our loved one behind. On the contrary, forgiving ourselves can free us to grieve and express our love more authentically.

Now is the time to begin to forgive ourselves. Our hearts will thank us.

Affirmation: I will ask forgiveness and also forgive myself, so I can be free to love you and grieve well.

If you, Lord, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you. I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. (Psalm 130:3-5)

Excerpt from Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss

Comfort for Grieving Hearts has been revised and expanded into other books specifically for the loss of a spouse, a child, and a parent. You can check out the entire Comfort Series here.

Question: Is guilt a persistent issue for you in your grief? Feel free to share by commenting below.

The post The Guilt List Has No End first appeared on Gary Roe.

Finding Peace Amid the Holiday Grief Chaos

Loss is terribly painful. The grief journey can feel chaotic at times.

Especially at around Christmas.

For grieving hearts, this season can elevate our pain even further. We can feel sad, angry, depressed, anxious, fearful, guilty, and confused. Emotional overwhelm is common.

We experience change, after change, after change.

How do we do this?

Here’s another Grief Affirmation for you.

The grief journey is full of upheaval, but I can have peace of mind and heart.

Loss changes our lives. It changes us. The upset and upheaval are stunning.

We get hit from all angles. Our emotions are all over the place. Our minds struggle to concentrate and focus. Our immune systems are stretched. Our bodies are stressed.

Our souls can shake and stagger. Our relationships are not the same. Some expectations, plans, and dreams have been obliterated.

The sheer volume of change can be crushing. On top of it all, Christmas is coming.

The prophet Isaiah speaks into our personal chaos, reminding us of the first Christmas: 

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)

Prince of Peace. Yes, peace. We need peace.

What of peace does this Prince bring? It is not circumstantial or situational peace. It is not necessarily relational peace.

It is peace with God. Because of Jesus Christ, we are now reconciled to God. Christ Himself is our peace.

It is the peace of God. God’s peace. Christ now lives in us. This is peace that is beyond our understanding.

We’re talking about peace with God and the peace of God – peace of mind, heart, soul, and spirit – no matter what is happening around us.

Prince of Peace, thank you. You came. You died for us. You conquered death. You will come again. You live in us. You are our peace.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

Prince of Peace, I worship You. You are my peace. Because of Christ, I have peace with God and also the peace of God. I choose to live in Your peace today. Calm my burdened, anxious heart. I release all things to You. Teach me and lead me, Lord. In Jesus’ name…

Be kind to yourself today.

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When We’re Drained and Exhausted

Loss is terribly painful – especially during the holiday season.

Christmas is coming. Soon.

Grieving hearts are already drained and exhausted. How are we supposed to “do” Christmas?

Here’s another Grief Affirmation for you.

This grief journey is draining. I will be patient with myself and trust God for the strength I need.

Loss hits our whole being. The grief journey can be incredibly exhausting. We feel weak. Vulnerable. Drained.

Every day is a challenge. Special days and holiday seasons are especially hard.

This time of year is packed full of memories. After a loss, each and every memory becomes a potential grief trigger.

Soon, we will celebrate the birth of Jesus, our Savior. Some 700 years before His birth, the prophet Isaiah said this about Him: 

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)

Mighty God. All-knowing. All-powerful. Almighty Creator. Lord of all.

He is our strength. He created us. He sustains us. He has carried us and will carry us.

He knows our weakness. He is compassionate and gracious. He is love.

He holds us together.

Jesus. Mighty God.

We bow before Him. We declare our utter weakness and dependence. We acknowledge His almighty strength. We give ourselves to Him again today. We are His.

Mighty God. Wonderful Counselor. Everlasting Father. Prince of Peace. We praise You.

Then Jesus said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!” (John 20:27-28)

Mighty God, Almighty Creator, I worship You. I delight in You, even in my weakness. You are my strength. Fill me. You meet my needs. I trust in You. I choose to abide in You, Lord Jesus. In Jesus’ name…

Be kind to yourself today.

The post When We’re Drained and Exhausted first appeared on Gary Roe.

We All Need Good Counselors

The grief journey is tough, especially during the holidays.

Grief triggers are everywhere. Aromas, Christmas songs, decorations, holiday sights and events. Our hearts are packed full of memories from this time of year, so almost anything can surface the grief within us.

How do we do this?

Here’s another Grief Affirmation for you.

Many times, I do not know what to do with all this grief. I will seek support and listen well to someone who knows.

We all need wisdom, especially when we’re grieving. We have many questions. We need good support and great input.

We have many experienced grievers around us. They have travelled this road many times. They are willing and ready to listen and to help.

We all need good counselors in our lives, whether they have the right letters behind their names or not.

There is one counselor, however, who is head-and-shoulders above all the rest. In fact, He has no equal.

Isaiah prophesies about Jesus Christ some 700 years before his birth: 

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)

Wonderful Counselor. He knows. He knows it all. He knows you. He knows His plan for you. He speaks to you through His Word. He listens. He is ready to lead and guide.

He is wise. In Him are hidden all the secrets of wisdom and knowledge (Colossians 2:3). He comforts. He heals. He teaches. He strengthens.

If you know Jesus, you have a Wonderful Counselor. He lives in you by His Spirit – the Holy Spirit. He is who and what you need today and everyday.

But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. (John 14:26)

Lord, You are the Wonderful Counselor. You teach me, comfort me, counsel me, lead me, and strengthen me. I give myself to You. I give all things to You. Help me to trust You. I praise You. In Jesus’ name…

Be kind to yourself today.

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Lonely and Grieving for the Holidays?

Loss is terribly painful. The grief journey can be very challenging – especially over the holiday season.

Thanksgiving is behind us. Christmas looms ahead. Someone is missing. This hurts.

And it’s lonely. Terribly lonely.

How do we do this?

Here’s a Grief Affirmation:

I feel so alone sometimes. I will give myself permission to grieve during this holiday season.

The holiday season is hard for grieving hearts.

Families are getting together. Memories and potential triggers are everywhere.

While the world appears to be celebrating, it’s like we’re on the outside looking in. And what we see often hurts.

We already feel alone. The Christmas season can intensify our loneliness.

One of the most well-known Old Testament prophecies about the coming Messiah is found in Isaiah 7:14: 

Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.

Roughly 700 years after this prophecy was written, Jesus Christ, the eternal Son of God, the Creator of all things, was born in Bethlehem. Immanuel.

Immanuel means “God with us.”

He became one of us, while remaining fully God. He lived a perfect, sinless life amid this broken, fallen, sin-infested, evil-ridden world. He went to the cross. He conquered death.

He comes and knocks on our hearts. He lives in those who trust Him. We are in Him, and He is in us. Jesus Christ, Immanuel, God with us.

He shares our loneliness. He knows. He feels our grief. He carries our sorrows.

Immanuel. God with us. God with you.

All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”). (Matthew 1:22-23)

Lord Jesus, Immanuel, I give my loneliness to You. You thought to me, wanted me, and created me. You died and rose from the dead for me. You live in me. As I grieve, I will remember that I am never alone. I choose to rest in You. In Jesus’ name…

Be kind to yourself today.

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