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Why can’t people respect my grief?

“Why can’t people respect my grief?”

Have you ever thought or said this? I have. Many times, in fact.

Some people might have some sympathy for us.

Some might even be empathetic.

But surely, everyone should be able to respect our grief, right?

Sadly, everyone does not.

The following is an excerpt from my book, Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving. I wrote this book by request. The grieving hearts I was working with desperately wanted something that could help family, friends, and others understand a bit of what they were going through.

This chapter is called Respect Their Pain.

I hope you’ll find these words encouraging and helpful today.

Respect Their Pain

“The pain is deeper and more intense than I could have imagined. It rattles my soul.”

—Maggie

Loss is painful. It can be traumatic, even devastating. How we handle another’s heart is important, especially when they’re hurting. You can care for and support them by acknowledging and respecting their pain.

FROM THE GRIEVING HEART…

I’m hurting. Something traumatic has occurred. Someone I love is gone, and they’re not coming back.

I don’t know how to do this. It’s like I’ve been hit by a bus, and I’m lying flat in the middle of the road, watching the sky go by.

The world speeds on, oblivious to my loss. I watch but can’t seem to enter in. It’s as if someone pushed the pause button on my life. My world has suddenly changed, forever.

I’m stunned. I’m hurting. My heart is crushed. Grief can be heavy.

And yet, I can’t fully accept it somehow. This can’t be real.

I know this is confusing for you. It’s confusing for me also. You’re probably wondering what to say or what to do.

You can come sit beside me in the road, if you want. You don’t have to say much. In fact, you don’t have to say anything at all. Your presence is worth all the words in the world right now.

I probably won’t say much either. Don’t expect much out of me. I won’t be myself for a while. In fact, I may never be the same again. This is something we’ll both have to grapple with, but now isn’t the time for that.

Sometimes all I can do is lie here and breathe. I won’t be here forever, but it’s where I am today.

This is hard. It hurts.

I don’t know how to begin, so I’ll just stumble forward and hope my seemingly random thoughts and emotions will make some kind of sense to you.

Thanks for reading this. I know this is strange. It’s weird for me, too.

Please be patient with me. I’m grieving.

GRIEF HURTS

Losing a loved one is painful and traumatic. It can wound the soul and crush the heart.

We lose parents, siblings, relatives, friends, co-workers, and even children and grandchildren. We lose people to death, divorce, moves, disasters, or illness. We can lose them in an instant, or we can lose them over time.

Unfortunately, loss is a huge part of life. How we deal with it makes all the difference – both for ourselves and those around us.

Your grieving relative or friend is hurting. Their “normal” is gone. The disappearance of someone they love is affecting them deeply.

Change has hit their heart and life. You may not feel or understand it, but their pain is very real.It really feels as if they’ve been hit by a bus. Life is no longer business as usual for them.They need people who will be with them through this. Grief is lonely, but no one should have to endure this spot in the road alone.Helping them may be different than you think. They need people who will hear their heart and meet them where they are. And where they are is different for every person.

They’re hurting. They’re supposed to be. Acknowledge and respect their pain. They’re getting hit over and over again. Venture out and sit beside them in the middle of the road. Your presence can be more comforting than you realize.

Grief hurts. It’s emotional. Grieving hearts experience many ups and downs. Riding this emotional roller-coaster can be challenging, frustrating, and exhausting. We’ll talk more about this and how you can help in the next chapter.

“You’re hurting. You should be. You lost someone you love. I will respect your pain.”

Question: Have you felt respected by those around you since your loss? What would it look like for someone to respect your grief? Feel free to respond by commenting below.

The post Why can’t people respect my grief? first appeared on Gary Roe.

When We Feel Empty

“I feel empty.”

I’ve heard this from many grieving hearts. I’ve said it many times myself.

Loss hits the heart. Emotion spills out all over everything. Our world is shaken and altered.

The sheer force of all the change drains us. Feeling empty is common for those enduring a close loss.

The following is an excerpt from my book, Comfort for Grieving Hearts. I hope it will be comforting and helpful to you.

Breathe deeply. Be kind to yourself today.

I FEEL EMPTY

FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:

I woke up today and felt numb. I was just there. I didn’t feel anything at all.

I stared at the ceiling. I lost all sense of time. I got up and went through the motions, hating every step.

I thought my heart was broken. Now I’m wondering if it has departed altogether. I’m a shell. I feel empty.

I’m surrounded by your absence. Sometimes I get some relief. There are times when I’m not thinking about you. Then something will bring you to mind, and I feel guilty for having forgotten you, even for a moment.

Your absence seems to have spread and now permeates my existence.

You’re not here. You’re not there. You’re not anywhere I’m going to be today. The rest of my life will be spent without you here.

The thought of that is more than I can bear. I don’t like this. In fact, I hate it. I want you back. Now.

I’m numb, but at the same time angry. Don’t ask me to explain that. I can’t.

I don’t know much of anything right now, except that I love you.

The heart can only handle so much. Broken and even shattered, we need breaks from the constant, grinding pressure of grief and its emotions.

Our hearts shift into survival mode. Our feelers shut down. We stare at walls, ceilings, and people. We look but cease to see. Life flows on, but we are not a part of it. The sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, guilt, and anxiety all add up, and the heart powers down. We feel empty, listless, even lifeless.

We’re numb.

We move in and out of this numb place. The heart takes a break and then begins to feel again. When the emotion gets too intense, it takes another brief hiatus. Like an electrical breaker being tripped or the emergency stop at a gas station being pushed, we momentarily switch off.

This on-and-off life is exhausting. Life is anything but “normal.” In fact, nothing quite feels, looks, or even tastes the same. Grief is pounding our entire system.

We practice breathing deeply and slowly. We give ourselves permission to be emotional, confused, and numb. We take our hearts seriously. We practice being patient with ourselves.

We can power down when we need to. Overall, we learn to expect less of ourselves. Grief is squeezing our minds, hearts, and bodies. The only way to deal with grief is to grieve.

Affirmation: I may feel numb at times. That’s okay. My heart is working to manage the unmanageable.

Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. (Psalm 31:9)

Excerpt from Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss

Comfort for Grieving Hearts has been revised and expanded into other books specifically for the loss of a spouse, a child, and a parent. You can check out the entire Comfort Series here.

Question: Have you felt empty or numb during your grief journey? What was that like for you? What helped? Feel free to comment below.

The post When We Feel Empty first appeared on Gary Roe.

When grieving hearts grow dry…

After a loss, our hearts can grow dry.

Life can feel like a wilderness with no end.

The following is an excerpt from my book, Soul Cry: Devotional Prayers for Wounded, Grieving, and Suffering Hearts. If you’re feeling empty and dry today, may God use this short chapter to encourage you.

A Dry Place

Psalm 63:1-8

You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek You;

I thirst for You, my whole being longs for You,

in a dry and parched land where there is no water.

(63:1)

I am shaken, O God.

I don’t know what to think.

I don’t know what to do.

How could this happen?

I seek You. I long for You.

This wilderness threatens to undo me.

My heart cries out for You.

You are greater than all wildernesses.

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

(63:2-3)

I have experienced Your goodness.

You have blessed me immeasurably.

I cling to You and Your love for me.

LORD, reassure my stunned and shaken heart.

May I choose to praise and give thanks, even now, even here.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

(63:4-5)

Now is not forever.

Help me to remember this.

This too will pass, though I don’t know how or when.

I have You. I will always have You.

You will lead me through this painful, barren place.

You will meet my needs.

On my bed I remember you;

I think of you through the watches of the night.

Because you are my help,

I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I cling to you;

your right hand upholds me.

(63:6-8)

I rest in You, my Lord and my God.

I trust You.

Help me to trust You more.

In Jesus’ name…

Question: Have you experienced an empty, dry feeling in your heart since your loss? Feel free to share by commenting below.

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I Don’t Understand This

When loss strikes, everything seems to change.

Quite naturally, we many times say something like, “I don’t understand this.”

The following is an excerpt from Comfort for Grieving Hearts. I hope this chapter will encourage your heart today.

FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:

Last night, I dreamed of you. We were walking through a meadow. A gentle breeze was blowing. Flowers were blooming, and there was a delightful fragrance in the air.

At first, we were side by side, and then you began walking a little ahead of me. We walked down a hill and arrived at a peaceful stream. It was so beautiful.

You walked into the water and then turned and looked at me. You smiled, and I could see the love in your eyes. Then you turned around and waded back in.

I tried to follow, but I couldn’t move. I panicked. I called out to you, but you kept going. As you got closer to the other side, you began to slowly disappear. Then you were gone. I stood there, weeping.

When I woke up, I could feel the tears streaming down my face.

What was that? What does it mean?

Are you telling me you’re okay? Was that a goodbye of some kind? Did I just get a little glimpse of heaven?

I was glad to see you, if only in a dream. I miss you so much.

Somehow, you feel less far away today. I know you’re gone. And yet, I still have you somehow.

I don’t understand this at all.

It’s been said that we heal while we sleep. Our bodies rest and rejuvenate.

Our minds often grapple with what we can’t consciously process during the day. Dreams can be an attempt to reconnect with our departed loved ones and to somehow make more sense of what happened.

Not everyone has dreams of their loved one, and not every dream is a positive or reassuring one.

For most of us, our minds don’t rest well after a loss. Just as our worlds are shaken, our sleep is usually affected. If dreams of our loved one come,

we naturally want to know what they mean. In most cases, the best place to look for an interpretation is our own hearts.

When we have dreams of our loved one, it is certainly related intimately to our grief process.

Some dreams might generate more questions. Others might reassure us and bring more peace to our hearts. Still others might stir or intensify our longings for our loved one.

We continue to practice breathing deeply. We will be patient with ourselves on this unpredictable journey. What we don’t understand now might make more sense later. We should seriously consider what our heart is telling us and grieve as well as we know how at this point in our journey.

As we learn to live one moment, one day at a time, we’ll be taking giant steps in understanding our grief.

Affirmation: There are many things I won’t understand. I’ll be patient with myself.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Excerpt from Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss

Comfort for Grieving Hearts has been revised and expanded into other books specifically for the loss of a spouse, a child, and a parent. You can check out the entire Comfort Series here.

Question: Are there times when you have said or thought, “I just don’t understand?” Feel free to share by commenting below.

The post I Don’t Understand This first appeared on Gary Roe.

When we feel misunderstood, rejected, and abandoned…

The death of a loved one – someone indescribably special – changes everything.

It changes us.

Because loss changes us, our relationships naturally change as well. And not all these changes are positive.

Some people we counted on disappear. It’s like they evaporate into thin air.

Others criticize, judge, and try to fix us. They inform us about how lousy we’re doing, what’s wrong, and what we need to do.

Some ignore us. They seem completely oblivious to our pain.

When grieving hearts encounter these things (and almost all of us do), we experience emotional pain, frustration, confusion, sadness, anger, depression, and even guilt. Resentment and bitterness can begin to brew inside us.

All this feels like more loss and upheaval. And that’s exactly what it is.

Sadly, this is all too common.

Last week, our monthly Zoom session was on this very topic. We called it How to Deal with Rejection and Painful Relationships.

Here is a quick summary of that session…

We looked at several Bible verses from the book of Job. These passages remind us of how deep and painful the words and actions of others can be when we’re grieving.

We talked about five key truths that can help us navigate painful relationships.

Truth #1: We are not in control.

People will do and say what they will. Each one of us is in charge of our own responses (our thoughts, words, and actions).

Truth #2: What people do and say is about them.

Nothing can come out of a person except what is already inside them. We have to let how others respond to us be about them, not about us.

Truth #3: Expectations are an invitation to disappointment and resentment.

Unconsciously, we expect support – or at least some acknowledgment of our pain. Apparently, we’re expecting something that they cannot or choose not to deliver. We’re better off simply releasing them from any expectations at all.

Truth #4: When we let what others say and do control us, we elevate them to God-status.

Our frustration with others can quickly eclipse our trust in God. Brace yourself. The Bible calls this idolatry. Instead, we are to guard our hearts and look to God to meet our needs.

Truth #5: All our basic needs are already met in Christ.

Acceptance, love, forgiveness, meaning and purpose, significance, and power and wisdom for everyday life. If we have trusted Christ as our Savior and embraced Him as our Life, all of these needs are met in Him. We set ourselves up for a world of pain when we expect others to do what only He can do for us.

As we look ultimately to Jesus to walk with us and meet our needs, the difference we experience can be astounding. We can be more peaceful, less anxious, more settled, and less controlled by whatever happens to us and around us.

I know this email might generate questions for you. Please feel free to ask.

If you would be interested in viewing this Zoom session, you can find it in the Overcoming Grief Library. The Library houses all of our Zoom sessions, along with other talks, seminar, and workshops. The Overcoming Grief Library has over 50 videos – and counting.

Jesus tells us, “I have said these things to you so that in me you might have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. Take heart. I have overcome the world.”

Our relationships are yet another place where Christ invites us to walk with Him and overcome. As we yield to Him, we experience more of Him and His life in us. As we walk with Him, He empowers us to love others more deeply, even when we’re hurt and disappointed.

This world needs more overcomers.

Thank you for your support and prayers as I seek to provide quality help for grieving hearts.

Until next time…

P.S. If you have a question about who Jesus is, what it means to trust Him, or what it means to walk with Him day-to-day, please ask. I’m here to help, if I can.

Question: Have you felt rejected or abandoned by others in your grief? What was that like for you? Feel free to share and comment below.

The post When we feel misunderstood, rejected, and abandoned… first appeared on Gary Roe.

When We Sink Into Depression…

Depression.

We’ve heard about it. We experience it.

All of us would like for it to go away.

The depression that grieving hearts experience is often loss-related. In other words, we feel depressed because of all the change, upheaval, and emotional pain we’re experiencing.

When we experience temporary grief-related depression, we tend to recover and heal as we go through the grief process in healthy ways.

Then there’s the depression that stays. It lingers. In fact, for many of us, it was there before our loss but less consuming and debilitating.

In our monthly Virtual Hangout via Zoom, we’ll be talking about depression – what it is, how to handle it, and how to heal and grow through it. Look for an email Zoom invitation next week.

Just in case we think that depression (temporary or lengthy) is a new thing, check out the following verses from Psalms:

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? (Psalm 13:2)

Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. (Psalm 31:9)

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

Our days may come to seventy years, or eighty, if our strength endures; yet the best of them are but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away. (Psalm 90:10)

The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came over me; I was overcome by distress and sorrow. (Psalm 116:13)

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word. (Psalm 119:28)

And that’s just a few verses from the Psalms. The rest of Scripture is permeated with people like us struggling with loss.

We live in a troubled world full of loss. We live in an atmosphere of grief. Our hearts have been broken – perhaps many times. Sorrow can pile up.

Feeling depressed would be, well, natural.

What do we do with all this?

So much of life is about overcoming. Is it possible to overcome depression?

Join me on Zoom later this month as we delve more into this.

In the meantime, take heart. Hear these words from 2 Corinthians 4:16-18:

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

This is temporary.

Depression is temporary.

Everything here is temporary.

Today, the Lord invites us to focus on Him amid all the emotional turmoil and upset.

He invites us to allow Him to carry us through this.

He asks us to trust Him to empower us to weather this incredible storm.

This is temporary.

Be kind to yourself. This is hard.

Glad to be in this with you.

Question: Have you struggled with feelings of depression during your grief journey? What has been helpful for you? Please feel free to comment below.

The post When We Sink Into Depression… first appeared on Gary Roe.

This Crushes Grieving Hearts

Loss is painful. Grief is challenging. Sometimes, the grief journey can seem like an unassisted solo climb of Mount Everest.

Then there’s all the “extra” stress that bombards us daily. Much of this stress is due to lies.

Yes, you read that right. Lies.

I am alone.

I am crazy.

I am worthless.

I must do it all.

I must be perfect.

It’s all up to me.

It will always be this way.

It’s all my fault.

My life is over.

These are lies.

These lies (and others) promote fear, guilt, and anxiety. They spawn depression, despair, and hopelessness. They keep us feeling trapped and spinning in circles.

Lies devastate us. They crush grieving hearts.

Contrast the above lies with the following:

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, angels nor demons, the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:37-39)

More than conquerors…

A few posts back, I talked about some of the things we will all surely face in 2024. In that article, I made this statement: The theme for this year seems to once again be “Overcoming.”

How do we overcome and conquer the lies in our lives?

It’s not about figuring it out and doing better.

It’s not about living in our own strength.

And it’s not about giving into the lies that are assaulting us.

It’s about giving up.

It’s about giving up on the lies. It’s about embracing the truth and living it out in our grief journey.

What does that mean?

In two weeks, we’ll be having another Virtual Hangout via Zoom. We’ll be talking about how to overcome what crushes grieving hearts. I hope you’ll join us. Stay tuned for more info next week.

In the meantime, please consider rereading the above list of lies. Read them several times. After each statement, tell yourself, “That is a lie.” Say it out loud.

Please be kind to yourself today. Give yourself lots of grace.

I’m honored to be in this with you.

Until next time…

Question: Which one of the lies above strikes you the most? Why? Feel free to share by commenting below.

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When You Think You’re Going Crazy

During this painful grief journey, we can wonder about our sanity.

“Am I going crazy?” is a question grieving hearts often ask.

Let me clear this up right away.

No. You’re not going crazy.

You are, however, in a crazy-making situation.

Someone you love dearly – perhaps several someones – are no longer here. Your world is different now. You are different.

Wave after wave of change surges in upon you, day after day. The world looks much the same, but everything feels very different.

The world is not what you thought it was. Some people are not who you thought they were. You can even wonder who you are now.

Your emotions are all over the place. Sadness, anger, anxiety, fear, guilt, loneliness, and depression are bouncing around inside you.

You’ve experienced other losses, but this loss is different. You’ve never been here before. You wonder what to do, how to be, and what’s next.

All of this can make a person wonder if they’re, well, losing it.

It’s as if the ground underneath you is shifting. Instead of walking, you find yourself surfing on dry ground, trying desperately to stay upright and maintain some kind of balance.

The grief journey is a time of upheaval and change. Change is stressful.

Let me repeat that. Change is stressful.

Roughly 60 years ago, the Holmes-Raye Stress Scale was developed. The main concept behind it is the more change a person experiences, the more stressed they are.

Take a look. Go through it. Calculate your score.

How much change and stress are you experiencing?

Back to our main point: You are not going crazy, but your life now feels crazy compared to your old life.

No matter how much change you’re experiencing or how high your Holmes-Raye score is, there is hope.

I think of the Apostle Paul’s words in Philippians 4:13:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Another way to translate this verse is, I can do all things through Christ who is my strength.

I have to remind myself daily – several times a day – Jesus Christ can handle this. Gary’s personal strength amounts to nothing. Gary, in his own power, can do nothing and next to nothing. Christ, on the other hand…

So I tell myself what God tells me in His word:  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Today, I do not look to myself to handle things or figure things out. Today, I look to align myself with my Savior – Jesus – and His strength. I look to trust Him and rest in Him.

I am strong only when I am trusting the One who is truly strong and relying on His strength. I yield. He carries me.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

The sheer amount of change you’re going through is overwhelming. Take a deep breath. Breathe.

This too will pass. Now is not forever.

Let the emotions bounce around. Let the waves of change come (you won’t be able to stop them). Keep surfing as best as you know how.

Lean hard into Jesus. He can handle it. Trust. Yield. You can do all things through Him who will strengthen you. He is our strength.

Be kind to yourself.

Until next time…

Question: How much change and stress are you experiencing? Please feel free to reply and comment below.

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What to Expect in 2024

It’s 2024. Can you believe it?

When we enter a new year, many people reflect, evaluate, and look ahead.

Some make resolutions.

Some set objectives and goals for the year ahead.

For grieving hearts, however, some of us are just trying to survive from day to day.

Some of us are at a point in our grief journey where we are looking to do more than survive – much more.

No matter where we are, most of us are wondering what this new year will bring.

Thankfully, there are some things we can count on.

What We Can Expect in 2024

Here are some things that I know we can expect in 2024…

1.  The world (and therefore life) will be challenging.

Our world is changing rapidly. Things are tense, divided, and uncertain. While we’re grieving the loss of precious loved ones, we’re also grieving the shaking of the world we grew up in. 

2.  All our grief journeys will be challenging.

Our grief challenges will take various forms.

Handling our emotions.Dealing with the mental impact of all that’s happening.Managing the physical stresses and health changes.Handling the constant upheavals and shifts in our relationships.Surfing wave after wave of spiritual challenges.

All of these challenges can seem overwhelming at times. Embracing these challenges and navigating them well will be important.

3.  Great blessings will come into our lives.

Blessings are always there. We’re surrounded by them every day.

The challenge will be to notice and appreciate them.

Looking for and embracing these God moments is huge. A grieving heart can also be a thankful heart.

4. The theme of the year will once again be “Overcoming.”

Overcoming seems to be the theme of all of life, doesn’t it?

Perhaps it is.

So, let’s set our minds to look for blessings (God moments), cultivate thankful hearts, and continue to overcome.

What I’m Hoping to Do.

On my end, God willing, here’s what I hope to do in 2024 to encourage and assist you in looking for and embracing blessings, cultivating a thankful heart, and overcoming (living with more purpose and meaning that you thought possible):

Weekly emails designed to comfort, affirm, and encourage you.

Monthly Zoom sessions addressing the above topics.

Offering access to my online Overcoming Grief school courses: the Overcoming Grief Library, the Overcoming Fear course, and the Grief Helpers Network.

I’m also planning three new books this year designed to connect with your heart and walk with you on this tough, arduous journey.

Guarding Our Hearts

I’m again reminded of King Solomon’s 3000 year-old words: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the spring from which everything in your life flows.” (Proverbs 4:23)

Our hearts are under assault. May this be a year where we intentionally choose to guard our hearts, protecting them from dangers and nurturing them in what is good.

I’m glad we’re in this together.

Until next time…

Question: As you look ahead into this new year, what do you “expect?” Feel free to respond by commenting below.

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The Incredible Stress of Holiday Decision-Making

Decision-making is normally a challenge for grieving hearts. Over the holidays, making decisions can be overwhelming or seem impossible.

In my previous email, we talked about the importance of managing our expectations over the holidays – the expectations we have of ourselves and others.

One key way of managing expectations is by making some proactive decisions.

Here are some quick suggestions…

Don’t let others make decisions for you.

They are not inside your mind and heart. They cannot fully understand what you’re feeling and experiencing. They don’t know what is helpful to you and what’s not.

Grieving hearts often feel like victims. After all, we didn’t ask for or want this. Letting others make decisions for you can lead to feeling powerless and helpless.

Tell yourself, “I get to decide.”

You get to decide what to do, how, when, where, and with whom.

Scary? Yes. Good? Yes.

What do you want to do? How do you want to do it? Where do you want to go? Whom do you want to be around?

What’s realistic for you?

I think of Solomon’s words from 3000 years ago, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the spring from which the rest of your life flows” (Proverbs 4:23).

What would “guarding your heart” look like over the holidays?

Handle invitations well.

When an invitation comes, you get to decide. Don’t let the past or a sense of obligation make the decision for you.

Ask yourself, “What would it mean to guard my heart in this situation?”

If you sense you need to say “no”, how you communicate can help you feel better about it.

“Thanks so much for asking me. As you know, I’m grieving the loss of ___________ this year. I’m trying to take care of myself and do less. I hope you’ll understand if I decline this year.”

If you want to say “yes” but wonder how it will turn out, you might say, “I would love to come. I’m grieving, and I might get emotional and have to excuse myself sometimes. Is that okay with you?”

Or perhaps you could say, “Yes, I would like that. As you know, I’m grieving the loss of ________________ and I never know how I’ll feel on any given day. Is it okay if with you if I need to bow out at the last minute?”

Have an exit strategy.

If you decide to accept an invitation or go to an event, guard your heart by having an exit strategy.

For example, if you feel a grief burst coming on you might…

Take a moment, breathe deeply, and see if you can manage it.Excuse yourself to the restroom or another safe, more private place.Step outside and take brief walk.Excuse yourself and leave.

Thinking through these things can help you feel less vulnerable. You are proactively making decisions to guard your heart.

Don’t let others make decisions for you.

Tell yourself, “I get to decide.”

Handle invitations well.

Have an exit strategy.

Guard your heart. Be kind to yourself. Breathe deeply.

These holidays will be different, but they can still be good.

Until next time…

Questions: Of the four suggestions, which one resonated most with you? What decision-making struggles are you facing these holidays? Feel free to respond by commenting below.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David.He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child.While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born,and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them. (Luke 2:4-7)

The post The Incredible Stress of Holiday Decision-Making first appeared on Gary Roe.