Gary Roe's Blog, page 6

A Big Frustration-Producer in Grief and in Life

Lately, I’ve become very aware of a particular frustration-producer in life and in the grief process.

Expectations.

I’m noticing that almost every time I’m frustrated, disappointed, angry, or anxious, something that I expected to happen didn’t or something that I didn’t expect to happen did.

Expectations.

And, almost every time, whatever expectation I had was flying under the radar. In other words, I didn’t even know I had an expectation.

Does this ever happen to you?

In the grief process, expectations are huge emotional triggers. Here are some of the common ones:

We expect loss and grief to be, well, easier somehow.

We expect ourselves to hold it together emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

We expect ourselves to live and perform at pretty much the same level as before the loss.

We expect ourselves to be perfect or near perfect (to know everything, to figure out everything, to be strong, to do everything right, etc.).

We expect the grief process to cooperate with our plan for the day.

We expect people to be kind, sympathetic, and understanding.

We expect people to be supportive (meaning that we expect them to support us the way we would like to be supported).

Sigh.

Unknown and unspoken expectations can create all kinds of emotional havoc. Having expectations, however, is as natural as breathing.

So, what to we do about these sneaky under-the-radar expectations that are floating around in our minds and hearts?

One thing we can do is remind ourselves of the truth about life and the grief process:

“Life, grief, and even today will not go as I expect – and that’s okay.”

“I will routinely get surprised by life and by grief – and that’s okay.”

“Many people will not support me the way I would like – and that’s okay.”

“My grief will express itself today, perhaps in many ways – and that’s okay.”

“I might experience many different emotions today, some of them unpleasant – and that’s okay.”

“I’m not perfect and won’t get things just right – and that’s okay.”

In other words, we can relax a little. We don’t have to play god. We can be kind to ourselves by accepting ourselves in the moment, as we are. We can be patient with ourselves.

If you find yourself frustrated, angry, impatient, anxious, or disappointed today, ask yourself, “What was I expecting?” Then ask yourself if that expectation is realistic.

Be kind to yourself today. Accept yourself today, as you are. Be patient with yourself today.

Breathe. Let go of what you can. This is hard.

Jesus knows how to do hard. He’s an expert at it. His arms are open. His invitation is simple:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

An invitation. Followed by a promise.

Rest sure sounds good, doesn’t it?

Until next time…

Question: Are expectations messing with your life? How so? What expectation seems to be the most challenging for you? Feel free to comment and share.

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Our Souls are Crying Out

People have asked me to share more about what my new book Soul Cry is about.

To answer this, let me share a portion of the introduction to the book.

What Soul Cry is All About

Our souls are crying out.  

The world is shaking. Things are changing rapidly, and not for the better. 

Conflict. Dissension. Division. Anger. Rage. Hatred.  Lack of common decency and respect. Threats. Violence. Lawlessness.  

Wars and rumors of wars. Food shortages and famine. Natural disasters. Destruction. Illness. Disease. Death. 

Then there are all of our personal stresses and losses. 

Jobs. Vocations. Careers. Increasing inflation. Diminishing savings. Rising taxes. Crushing debt.

Relational conflicts. Family fragmentation. Strained friendships. Estrangements.  

Then there’s the incredible, painful, and often traumatic loss of people we love and care about – friends, neighbors, family members, siblings, spouses, children, grandchildren. 

It can seem like everything is falling apart.  We need to vent about all this. More than this, we need to vent in God’s direction. Our souls need to cry out to Him – honestly and authentically.  

This is what Soul Cry is all about.  

What you need to know about Soul Cry

Soul Cry is a book of prayers which are grounded in the Bible and designed to connect with your soul.  Each chapter contains a prayer based on a Bible verse or passage. These prayers are brief – about 2-3 pages long. 

Soul Cry was written for followers of Jesus who are grieving and suffering from all the loss and change in their own lives and in the world around them. The goal of Soul Cry is to help wounded hearts cry out to God amid the pain, chaos, and upheaval that surrounds them. 

Soul Cry was designed to be read straight through, one chapter a day.  The book contains daily prayers for three months, with 31 prayers for each month. In essence, Soul Cry is a daily prayer devotional.   

Who are you to write a book like this? 

I am follower of Jesus Christ. I come from a background of heavy loss and sexual abuse. I came to Jesus when I was 11 years old. Though I didn’t know it, everything changed in that moment.  

As losses and wounds continued to pile up, God faithfully brought me through them one by one. He comforted, encouraged, and healed me, even though many times I was in so much pain I could not even sense His presence. At least four times in my life I thought, “That’s it. I’m not going to make it through this.” Obviously, I was wrong. God is faithful indeed.  

In high school and college, my plan was to become a physician. God had other plans. I became a trained theologian with two Seminary degrees. Over the past four decades I’ve had the privilege of serving Jesus as a church-planting missionary in Japan, a pastor of several churches in Texas and Washington, and a hospice chaplain and grief counselor. I now serve as an author, Bible teacher, grief specialist, and grief coach.

 Jesus is life. He is my life. It’s an honor to serve Him by writing.  

Do you have any other input for me before I begin to read? 

Please don’t get in a hurry. In fact, hurry will be a major hindrance to your prayer life.  

Take your time. Ask God to speak to you before you begin reading. As you read, feel free to stop, think, and meditate on the Scriptures and what’s being said. 

When you read, listen. God is speaking through what He has already spoken. As Paul shared with us in 2 Timothy 3:16, “All Scripture is God-breathed and profitable to teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.” 

God is speaking today. Are we listening? 

I have prayed for you as you read Soul Cry. I will continue to pray for you. 

**********

Soul Cry will be released this coming week. I’ll let you know when it’s live and available on Amazon and other online bookstores.

The grief journey is difficult and exhausting. A world is disarray only adds more stress and complexity to our already overloaded hearts and minds. Please be patient with yourself today.

Question: What losses are you enduring? Is your soul crying out? Please feel free to comment and share below.

Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. (Psalm 33:20)

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When Loss Strikes, Our Souls Cry Out

Loss hits us on every level.

Loss impacts our emotions, thoughts, bodies, and relationships. It shakes our hearts, minds, and souls.

Some losses seem to affect everything. Our world has been altered. Everything is different.
The pain is deep. Our souls cry out.

How do we navigate all this?

How do we deal with ourselves, others, and the incessant demands of daily living while grieving?

How do we manage all our hurts, rejections, and heart wounds?

How do we cope amid a world that seems to have gone mad?

How does God fit into all this? Does He care?

One person said to me recently, “I feel like I’m about to burst. Grief. Pain. Fear. Anxiety. Guilt. I feel paralyzed. I need to get all this out somehow.”

Another person said, “I feel so wounded. Every day is an exercise in suffering. And the suffering I see around me is stunning. How do I do this?”

These are some of the reason why I wrote Soul Cry.

Soul Cry is a book of short, 2-3 page devotions. Each devotion is a prayer based on a particular Bible verse or passage. Each prayer is designed to connect with the reader’s heart, mind, and soul.

Soul Cry contains three months of prayers – 93 total.  This is not a once-and-done devotional book. These three months of devotional prayers can be repeated over and over again.

Soul Cry will be released soon. And I’m going to need lots of help getting the word out. I’ll share more about that in my next email.

This new book is my attempt to help folks deal with the pain, grief, and suffering we’re currently experiencing. To say that things are challenging right now is a gross understatement.

Our souls need to cry out.

Please be kind to yourself today.

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. (Psalm 31:9)

Question: Is your soul crying out? Feel free to comment and share below.

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Finding Peace in the Storms of Grief

For the last several weeks, we’ve been talking about things that steal our peace – peace of mind, peace of heart, and peace in our relationships. We introduced some Peace Thieves – 10 things most of us struggle with in grief and in life.

In case you didn’t get a chance to read them, here are the two articles where we covered this: Peace Thieves are on the Loose! and Are These Thieves Stealing Your Peace? 

Last week, we began talking about Peace Friends – things that encourage and promote peace in our lives. In our last article, we talked about five Peace Friends: acceptance, gratitude, confession, forgiveness, and margin. These things can make a massive difference in our grief journey and in our lives and relationships.

You can read more about these five Peace Friends in this article: Is Peace of Mind Possible While Grieving?

Again, we’re not talking about a sense of calm or tranquility based on feelings, situations, or circumstances. We’re talking about something much greater and deeper. We’re talking about the peace all of us long for. Peace that remains. Peace beyond our emotions. Peace in the heat of battle. Peace even though. Peace in spite of. Peace no matter what.

Is this possible? Absolutely. But we need help. Lots and lots of help.

Here are five more Peace Friends that can make a huge difference in our grief journey and in our relationships.

Peace Friend #6: Humility

Humility has gone out of style in our world. Perhaps it never was in style or very popular. Interestingly, humble people are often peaceful people.

What is humility any way?

Humility is right-sizing ourselves. We tend to think either too much of ourselves or too little. In both cases, we tend to make things about us. Humility comes from knowing it’s not about us.

Ultimately, humility is agreeing with God. Agreeing with God about who He is and who we are. Humility is about aligning ourselves with God and His purposes for our lives.

The opposite of humility is pride, arrogance. Arrogance puts us in charge, seeks to control things and people, and makes sure nothing can dethrone the self as boss. Arrogance is a peace killer.

Humility seeks peace and pursues it.

Peace Friend #7: Silence and Solitude

Noise and Busy-ness were two of the notorious Peace Thieves we mentioned in earlier articles. If we’re going to cultivate peace of mind and heart, we’re going to need some quiet. We need silence and solitude.

The amount of silence and solitude we need is as individual as we are. Some of us need a lot. Some need a little.

The key is using the silence and solitude well – to plant seeds of peace. For me, this means taking some time to do nothing and just pay attention to what’s around me. To listen. I also need a lot of good inflow – Scripture, prayer, and some good books.

It’s not an accident that silence and solitude have been listed among the basic spiritual disciplines (disciplines necessary for spiritual growth and health). Jesus Himself practiced silence and solitude frequently. Ever notice how often in He pulled away from the crowds and His disciples to spend time alone with the Father?

Peace Friend #8: Prayer

When I think of prayer, I’m immediately reminded of these verses:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Then the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

First, we have a command. Don’t be anxious about anything. Instead, pray about everything.

Then we have a promise. Peace. The peace of God. God’s peace. This is not a I’ll-find-a-way-to-achieve-this peace. It’s not a have-to-work-harder-and-do-better peace.

This peace – the peace of God – is a gift. It is the result of letting go and allowing God to be God. It’s about cultivating a close, intimate relationship with Jesus. It’s about learning to trust Him with fears, worries, and anxieties. Peace is a result of walking with Him.

Peace Friend #9: Peace-Giving Relationships

We need peaceful people in our lives – people who naturally exude peace. When we’re with them, our hearts begin to relax. Safe people.

We all have people who stir us up. People who prod, provoke, and trigger us. People who seem to spew stress into our lives like lighter fluid on a blazing fire. As much as possible, we need to limit our exposure to these folks. If we live or work with them, we at least need to find ways to guard our hearts when we’re with them.

We need peace-giving relationships. The best way to find and build these relationships is to be a person of peace ourselves. As we commit ourselves to a life of peace-no-matter-what, we begin to live above our pain, grief, and circumstances. Only God Himself can empower such a life.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. (Colossians 3:13)

Know anyone who exudes this kind of lasting, no-matter-what peace? Consider spending more time with them.

Peace Friend #10: Love and Service

Serving and loving others amid our own pain is part of healthy grieving. When we serve, we heal a little.

We suffer loss, but we do not let loss define us. We endure massive grief, but we do not allow grief to tell us who we are. Loss, pain, and grief may hijack us from time to time, but these are things are not our identity.

I’m reminded of Philippians 1:6: I am confident of this very thing – that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Please read that verse again. It says that God’s plan for you will not be thwarted. Once you trust Christ, He is committed to completing His work in you. He will use everything – I mean everything – for your good and for His purposes.

No, it does not always seem this way. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. Will we judge reality by our feelings or based on what God has said?

We can always love. We can always serve. Nothing and no one can stop us. We can give. We can make a difference. We can turn pain into purpose.

Humility. Silence and solitude. Prayer. Peace-giving relationships. Love and service.

Consider your own life. Which of the above seems to be most difficult for you? Are there one or two that you say, “Yes! I need to pursue that!”?

Grieving hearts need peace. We need real peace, not a momentary sense of tranquility. We need peace we can count on. We need peace that stays.

I hope this discussion has been helpful and encouraging for you.

Be kind to yourself today. Be patient with yourself. Loss is painful. Grief is challenging.

Have a comment, question, or something to share? Please do so below.

The post Finding Peace in the Storms of Grief first appeared on Gary Roe.

Is Peace of Mind Possible While Grieving?

Throughout the month of June, we’ve been talking about things that steal our peace – peace of mind, peace of heart, and peace in our relationships.

First, we talked about 10 Peace Thieves – 10 things most of us struggle with that steal peace from us. You can read about these 10 Peace Thieves  (or refresh your memory)  in the following two articles:

Peace Thieves are on the Loose!

Are These Thieves Stealing Your Peace? 

Of course, underneath all this is the big question, “Is peace of mind and heart even possible while grieving?”

Yes.

How do I know?

I’ve experienced it. I continue to experience it.

Many others have experienced peace amid terrible pain and grief. And they continue to experience it.

In addition, we have the truth of God’s Word and Jesus’ promises:

Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid.” (John 14:27, emphasis mine)

I have said these things to you so that in me you may have peace. In this world, you will have trouble. Take heart. I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33, emphasis mine)

We have said before that real peace cannot be based on circumstances or situations. That’s temporary tranquility or transient calmness. Peace, real peace, is something that is above and beyond what happens to us or around us.

We’re talking about peace-in-the-midst-of, peace-even-though, peace-in-spite-of, peace-no-matter-what.

We’ve talked about 10 things that steal our peace. It’s time to look at the other side of the peace coin and talk about 10 things that promote and protect peace – Peace Friends.

Ready? Here we go….

Peace Friend #1: Acceptance

Someone once said, “Acceptance is the key to each and every situation.” In order to heal, grow, and have this no-matter-what-peace, we must live in reality. Living in reality demands that we accept what is.

Notice I didn’t say we had to like what is. Not at all. But what is, well, is. We have to deal with what is. And we cannot deal with what is until we accept what is.

We also need to accept ourselves amid what is. We need to accept ourselves as we are, in the moment, from moment to moment.

Acceptance is not acquiescence. Acceptance is not apathy or embracing a victim mentality. Acceptance is not giving up. Acceptance is living in reality.

Acceptance of what is and who we are in the moment empowers us to take the next step, whatever that is. Otherwise, we start circling, and eventually we wind up stuck.

Acceptance makes peace possible.

Peace Friend #2: Gratitude

Our pain tempts us to draw inward. Grief’s grinding intensity can shift us into self-protect mode. Our view of the world, ourselves, and other people can darken. Negativity can begin to exert its influence.

Gratitude is the natural antidote to negativity. Being thankful. Looking for the good in our lives and giving thanks for it.

I often tell grieving hearts to cultivate gratitude while they’re hurting. Thank God for three things in the morning and then three things at night. Simple. Powerful.

By giving thanks, we’re sending a message to ourselves that we refuse to let this loss and pain define who we are. It will shape us, yes. If we let loss define us, however, we will be in danger of losing ourselves.

In the New Testament, the Apostle Paul gives followers of Jesus an interesting command: “Give thanks in all things, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Notice he doesn’t say, “give thanks for everything” but rather “give thanks in all things.” In other words, give thanks no matter what.

This is not a suggestion. It’s a command. Why? Because it’s spiritually healthy for us. Because giving thanks promotes healing and protects wounded hearts. Because giving thanks in all things promotes peace-no-matter-what.

Gratitude is a friend of peace. Giving thanks makes peace a possibility.

Peace Friend #3: Confession

We are not perfect. We mess up – a lot. We hurt other people. We routinely reject God and opt to act as our own god. We are all guilty of sin and wrong-doing.

Guilt and shame are powerful. This dynamic duo can crush our hearts and sabotage our grief process and our lives.

The answer? Confession. Being honest. Owning up. Admitting what we’ve thought, done, and said.

In 1 John 1:9 it says, “If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

We agree with God that we’ve thought, said, and done things we shouldn’t have. We give these things to Him. We release them. We receive His forgiveness. If we confess the sin we know about, His promise is to not only forgive those sins, but to cleanse us from all sin (even sins we aren’t aware of).

Confession helps make peace possible. Without confession, there can be no peace. Without confession, guilt, shame, and denial will reign.

Peace Friend #4: Forgiveness

Other people aren’t perfect. They offend us. They hurt us. They wound our already broken hearts. Almost all of our wounds in life come from the words and actions of others.

Forgiveness is God’s prescription to healing from life’s wounds. If we choose to hold on to the offense, anger permeates the soil of our hearts and bitterness takes root. Unforgiveness harms only ourselves and leaks out onto all our relationships.

Forgiveness is not saying it didn’t matter. Forgiveness is saying it did matter and it hurt deeply. Forgiveness is not playing the victim, but rather refusing to accept the victim label. Forgiveness is not weakness. Forgiveness reveals internal strength of mind, heart, and character.

Forgiveness is an act of the will. We say, “I choose to forgive and to release this person. I will no longer allow what they said and did to overly influence or control my mind and life.”

Oh, and let’s be clear about this. Forgiveness and relationship are two different things. Forgiveness is a gift. Trust is earned.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32)

Forgiveness guards our hearts. Forgiveness makes peace possible.

Peace Friend #5: Margin

One of the Peace Thieves we talked about earlier was Busy-ness. Margin helps combat this notorious peace-stealer.

Margin is space. Space and time. Space to think. Space to feel. Space to do nothing. Space to accept what is. Space to practice thanksgiving, confession, and forgiveness.

Our need for margin is universal. How much margin we need is individual. Some of us need a lot more margin than others, but we all need margin.

No margin. No peace.

Adequate margin creates room for peace to enter and to grow.

So, what do you think?

Yes, I know that’s only five Peace Friends. We’ll talk about the other five next week.

Until then, run your eyes over these first five Peace Friends again. Are there some that stick out to you more than others? What do you sense you need to do to make peace more of a possibility in your life?

Be patient with yourself. Saying no to Peace Thieves and yes to Peace Friends is a process – like developing a new habit. It takes awareness, intentionality, and effort. Stay with it. You’ll be glad you did.

Question: Which Peace Friend listed here seems most difficult for you? Why do you think that is? Please feel free to comment using the box below.

The post Is Peace of Mind Possible While Grieving? first appeared on Gary Roe.

Are These Thieves Stealing Your Peace?

In my last post, I began talking about some of the things that can seriously disrupt our lives and our grief journey. I called them peace thieves.

Last time, we talked about five of these sneaky culprits: hurry, worry, noise, busy-ness, and comparison. These saboteurs are not our friends. Undetected and unaddressed, they can wreak havoc in our already broken hearts.

Today, I want to introduce you to five more peace thieves. As you read about them, it will become clear that these enemies of peace do not help us in grief or in life.

Here we go…

Peace Thief #6: Entitlement

I used to think others – especially those younger than myself – had entitlement issues. Me? Not so much.

Wow. I was wrong.

Just throw a little suffering and grief my way, and suddenly I think I have a right to feel better, to be rescued, to not have to endure such things, and to be happy. I grow frustrated and even angry as no one seems to be coming through and giving me what I think I need. It’s all about me, me, me.

Loss, grief, pain, and suffering tend to turn us inward. The world and its media messages have duped us into thinking we deserve this or that – that we are entitled to, well, you name it.

Are you wondering if entitlement in an issue in your life. Complete the sentence, I’m entitled to ____________. If you put anything in the blank, then entitlement is active in your heart.

Entitlement is not our friend. It cultivates inside us an insidious brand of narcissism that messes with our hearts, our minds, our relationships, and our healing process.

Peace Thief #7: Lies

Last month, we talked a lot about lies. Lies we believe about grief. Lies we believe about ourselves. Lies we believe about other people. Lies deceive us. Lies suck us into living in false realities. Lies get us stuck and keep us in bondage.

Lies steal our peace. Lies like…

“I’m a loser. I can’t even grieve right.”“I have to be perfect.”“I have to be in control.”“I’m entitled to have life go the way I want it to.”

Lies keep us chasing our tails and block healing.

Peace Thief #8: Pride

By pride, I’m talking about the Biblical definition of pride. That definition would be something like a self-focused mindset where self is elevated above all else, as evidenced by the prominence of words like me, my, and mine. Pride is active when I am pretending to be God. At that moment, I am believing the ultimate of all lies. When I live out that lie, I am not living in reality. Peace evaporates.

Frustration, anger, fear, guilt, shame, confusion, and entitlement flood in and take over. Pride of this nature is incredibly destructive.

In the Bible, God tells us that this is ultimate sin behind all others. Pride is the beginning of a downward spiral that has no bottom. It is terribly dangerous. There is no peace in a heart full of pride.

Peace Thief #9: Control

One of the manifestations of pride is the lust for control. I use lust here on purpose. At times, we become absolutely obsessed with our perceived need to be in control.

Of course, to be in control, we have to control, well, everything. We think we have to control what happens to us. To do that, we have to control situations, circumstances, and other people. We have to control the world around us. The more out-of-control we feel, the more control we try to exercise.

Control is never satisfied with just a little bit. Control is always a total thing.

Control is a lie. We never have control. Control is an illusion. When we seek it, we’re chasing a phantom that cannot be caught. The result is a life of going around and around in circles but never really going anywhere. Control leaves in its wake shattered hearts, bitter souls, broken relationships, and massive regret.

Peace and control cannot co-exist. They are mutually exclusive.

Peace Thief #10: Bitterness

Terrible things have happened. Loss can be devastating. We can become disappointed and disillusioned to the point where we become bitter.

When bitterness invades a heart, it’s poison spreads quickly. Like a terrible generative disease, our bitterness begins to show itself in our attitudes, words, actions, and relationships. Bitterness cannot be hidden or stuffed. It will come out – leaking all over our lives and relationships, even onto those we love the most.

Bitterness is not our friend. It is a grave enemy of peace.

Offenses will come. We must get good at forgiving. We must learn to forgive often and quickly, even daily and moment-by-moment. We cannot afford to let bitterness take root in the soil of our hearts.

Here are some Bible verses that have meant a lot to me in my battle against these peace thieves:

Entitlement: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)

Lies: Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32)

Pride: “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6)

Control: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.(Proverbs 3:5-6)

Bitterness: Be kind and compassionate, forgiving one another just as God in Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32)

In summary, here are our 10 peace thieves:

HurryWorryNoiseBusy-nessComparisonEntitlementLiesPrideControlBitterness

What a lovely list, right? And here’s the kicker: we all struggle with most of these, if not all of them, often all at once.

So, what do we do?

More on that next time.

Thanks for reading. Take heart today. Now is not forever. Comfort, hope, and healing are all very real. You are not alone. You will make it through this.

Glad to be in this with you.

Question: Which of these peace thieves are most active in your life? Feel free to comment and share.

The post Are These Thieves Stealing Your Peace? first appeared on Gary Roe.

Peace Thieves are on the Loose!

Most of us would love to have more peace.

Inner peace. Peace of mind. Peace of heart.

Peace with God. Peace with other people. Peace with ourselves.

The loss of loved ones and the resulting grief journey can be excruciating. Everything is upside down. Life has been turned inside out. The emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and relational upheaval can be overwhelming.

Peace?

Peace can seem hard to come by.

Peace is more than a temporary calm, though we would certainly welcome some calm.

Peace is more than momentary tranquility that situations or circumstances can bring.

The peace we’re all looking for is peace that lasts – a deep sense of okay-ness no matter what’s happening to us or around us. Our experience of this peace might go up and down, but it is always there and available. We need a peace that never leaves.

This is the peace the Bible talks about – peace that transcends our understanding.

The challenge is that there’s a war on. We’re right smack in the middle of it. Enemies of peace – this enduring peace – are everywhere. In fact, I can find most of them littering my daily life.

So today, I would like to expose some of these peace thieves. See how many of them have become staples in your routine.

Peace Thief #1: Hurry

Is life fast or what?

The world moves with blazing speed. Keeping up is now impossible. Most of us are scurrying to keep from getting too far behind.

Then one day, we wake up and say, “Too far behind what? Who’s leading here? Who’s setting this insane pace?”

Many of us would like to get off the Hurry Train, but we don’t know how. Allow me to introduce a book that might help: The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry. This book shook me out of my ruts and challenged me in new ways. The result has been a much less hurried (and much, much more peaceful) life.

Hurry is not our friend. It steals our peace.

Peace Thief #2: Worry.

In my life, hurry often leads to worry. And then worry turns around and leads to hurry. It’s a nasty, peace-stealing cycle.

We worry because we feel out of control about something. That’s interesting, because when are we ever in control? It’s actually our perceived need for control (which we don’t have and can never attain) that starts the worry engine.

We make choices, but we are never in control. A friends of mine recently said, “I start living when I die to my desire to control things in order to have the life I want.” I know that statement is a bit awkward, but let it settle in.

Worry is not our friend.

Peace Thief #3: Noise.

Our world is noisy. Noisy, noisy, noisy. In fact, we seem to be addicted to noise (and hurry, and worry).

Do we have a tough time being quiet? Does solitude scare us for some reason? Is being alone with our own thoughts something of the past?

My brain can’t handle constant stimulation. For me, silence cultivates peace. It helps slow down my spinning mind and churning heart. Maybe there’s a reason we have the phrase peace and quiet.

Peace Thief #4: Busy-ness.

There’s activity and then there’s over-activity. It’s awfully easy to shift gears from a pace where peace is actually possible to one where we’re being carried along somewhere we don’t want to go.

Activity is a good thing, if it helps produce peace in our daily lives. Busy-ness can be a form of running – an attempt to flee from the pain, stress, and grief we’re experiencing. The real trouble is that busy-ness promises relief but can’t deliver. We plop down exhausted only to find our frustrations and challenges still sitting on our shoulders.

Does your activity level cultivate and promote peace? Or is busy-ness stealing from you?

Peace Thief #5: Comparison.

Someone has probably said, “To compare is human.” If they haven’t, well, I guess I just did. It surely seems true enough.

We start comparing early. We measure ourselves and how we’re doing based on others around us. Life becomes a competition for accolades, affection, relationships, jobs, status, strength, beauty, success, and a host of other things.

In reality, comparison is the thief of joy. We’re never really content. We just win or lose. We’re either pleased with ourselves or descend into envy. Even when we’re hurting and grieving, we compare, and cause ourselves even more pain.

Comparison makes experiencing lasting peace almost impossible.

Whew. What a list.

As you read, did you notice how connected these five peace thieves are? They work in tandem to stomp out the seeds of peace wherever they find them. This gang works overtime to keep you frustrated, confused, and frazzled.

Okay, so what do we do about all this?

Experiencing more real peace in our lives – and in our grief process – begins with becoming aware of these thieves.

As you go through your day, just begin to take note of when these thieves are exerting their influence.

Here they are again. Take a good look at these words. Let them burn into your brain: hurry, worry, noise, busy-ness, comparison.

Ask God to alert you to when these tricksters are operating. When you find yourself hurried, worried, filling the air with noise, overly busy, or comparing, just take note and say, “Ah-ha!”

That’s all for now. Believe it or not, that’s a major part of the battle.

Next time, I’ll introduce you to five more peace thieves. Yes, this notorious gang is bigger than you thought.

After that, I’ll tell you about some wonderful friends of peace – things and people that will cultivate and promote abiding peace in your life.

And along the way, I’ll share with you my desperate struggle at finding and experiencing peace. It wasn’t pretty, but God has been, well, God. Enduring peace comes from Him.

Be patient with yourself today. Loss is so painful. Grief is ultra-challenging.

Question: Are these peace thieves operating in your life? Which one is most troublesome for you? Feel free to comment and share below.

The post Peace Thieves are on the Loose! first appeared on Gary Roe.

When We Believe Lies About Ourselves…

This month, we’ve been talking about the power of lies.

We began by unearthing some of the lies we believe about grief and the grief process. We tackled this in a Zoom session together. We also published an article called Is Grief Misinformation a Thing?  Last week, I sent out a PDF entitled The Grief Misinformation Chart.

Misinformation (lies) about grief don’t serve us well. In fact, they can sabotage our grief process and our lives.

This week, we’ll be focusing on some other misinformation that’s out there. This misinformation resides in our own hearts: the lies we believe about ourselves.

Most of these lies go way back into childhood. Things happened, both good and bad. Things were done and said, while other things were not done and not said. We were impacted by all this. Our thought patterns, behaviors, and approach to life and people were molded and shaped.

Along the way, we all believed some lies.

These lies began as thoughts. They took up residence in our minds. Then they spread their influence to our bodies, and we began to live them out.

Let’s take myself as an example.

My childhood was, well, deeply dysfunctional. I was raised in an environment of anger, mixed messages, mental illness, and sexual abuse. I experienced multiple deaths by the time I was six. Simply put, things were crazy. However, everything looked pretty good on the outside, which made it all even more crazy-making.

I grew up isolated, lonely, and extremely shy. I was interested in other people but terrified of them at the same time. Conversely, I was given practically everything I wanted in terms of toys. Education and athletics were highly prized in my household, so I was given plenty of opportunities in those arenas.

Lies came knocking. As a child, my heart’s door was wide open.

Here are some of the lies I bought into and lived out:

If something bad or painful happens, it’s my fault.

I must find a way to control others and situations to keep bad things from happening.

If I’m good enough (perform well enough), I can make others love me.

I can’t have any real peace unless I’m perfect.

I’m alone and have to figure life out by myself.

I can do anything if I try hard enough.

I’m ultimately a worthless failure no matter how hard I try.

I’m damaged beyond repair.

Can you imagine the internal turmoil that came from all that?

Yuck.

What about you? What lies do you sense you have believed about yourself?

I’m working on another handout for you. Hopefully by next week, you’ll receive the Lies We Believe About Ourselves chart. Stay tuned.

Again, how do handle lies?

First, we have to unearth and expose them.

Second, we have to know what the truth is.

Third, we have to replace lies with the truth.

More on all this later…

You might be wondering, “What in the world does this have to do with grief?”

Lies we believe about ourselves have a massive impact on how we grieve. What we believe about ourselves will determine a lot of our grief journey.

If we want to grieve in healthy ways, heal, recover, and grow, we would be wise to look inside and deal with the insidious lies we find there.

Breathe…

Loss is painful. Grief is challenging. I’m glad we’re in this together.

Until next time…

Question: What lies about yourself are currently influencing your life? Feel free to share and comment below.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32)

The post When We Believe Lies About Ourselves… first appeared on Gary Roe.

Is Grief Misinformation a Thing?

Is grief misinformation a thing?

Yes. Yes, indeed.

Most of us have bought into quite a few myths about grief and the grief journey.

Somewhere down the line, we developed some ideas about how the grief process goes – or should go. Once we experienced a major loss, however, we began to discover we were wrong about a lot of things.

I’ll be honest. I don’t like the word myth when it comes to grief. Perhaps because in my mind the word myth is too, well, nice.

For example, one basic definition for myth in this context is a popular belief that is false.

Obviously, just because something is widespread or popular doesn’t mean that it’s true. A myth is false. Misinformation. Or, as one friend of mine (Kathy, from the As I Live and Grieve podcast) said, “Myth-information.”

It could just be me, but I sometimes I think we should call things what they are. A popular belief that is false is a lie.

There are lies about grief we tend to believe.

Lies are not neutral. Lies are harmful. In the grief process, they can be devastating.

Lies can derail us, cause unnecessary distress, add significantly to our pain, throw us into a deep pit and slam the top down over us.

Lies can distract us from healthy grieving. They can be a terrible, destructive influence on our hearts, minds, and bodies.

That’s why I’ll be talking about lies all this month. Last month we focused on anxiety and how to handle it. This month, we’ll be focusing on becoming aware of some of the lies about grief we believe and what to do about them.

We began with a Zoom Virtual Hangout Session this week, where I talked about The Lies We Believe.  Registrations for this session set a new record for our Zooms. Apparently, this subject resonates with a lot of us (or we’re at least curious).

I would like to share an article with you that I wrote a while back on this issue: 10 Myths About Grief Most of Us Believe (I wanted to use Lies, but the editors preferred Myths – Arg!).

Please take a look at this article. Read it slowly. If you’re pressed for time, at least notice the 10 brief statements in bold.

As you read through those 10 myths (lies), which ones stood out to you? In other words, which grief lies have you had a tendency to believe?

You’re not alone. Everyone I’ve ever talked with about grief has bought into at least some of these.

How do we battle grief lies?

First, we have to be aware of the lies themselves.

Second, we have to ask ourselves, “If that’s a lie, then what’s the truth?”

Third, we have to begin to replace those lies with the truth.

How we do that?

More on that next time.

Loss is so painful. Grief is super-challenging. Please be patient with yourself.

Question: What myth (lie!) about grief do you tend to struggle with? Feel free to comment and share.

My eyes have grown dim with grief; my whole frame is but a shadow. – Job 17:7

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The Healing Power of Writing in Grief Recovery

We’re made for connection. We’re designed for relationships.

No wonder this hurts.

No wonder our hearts are broken.

No wonder we feel lost sometimes.

The grief journey is hard, hard, hard. How we navigate this journey matters – both to ourselves and to those around us. 

In our previous email, we began talking about a simple method for processing our grief: T.W.A.

T. – Talk It Out

W. – Write It Out

A. – Art It Out

Last week, we talked about The Power of Talking It Out.

Talking it out (simply talking out loud to yourself to to someone you trust) is a basic, effective way of getting the grief out. The more we express what’s happening inside us, the better able we are to process what’s  going on in our lives. Developing the habit of talking it out helps move us toward acceptance, healing, and growth.

Today, we’ll be talking about The Healing Power of Writing.

What’s so powerful about writing?

Writing slows down our minds and hearts. This helps us get the grief out and express what’s happening inside us more effectively.

Writing not only uses our minds, but also our eyes and hands. If we read what we wrote out loud afterwards, our voices and ears get involved too.

We can write out our thoughts and feelings in a journal, on a notepad, or on a sheet of paper.

We can write letters expressing what we didn’t get to say, what we regret, or what we’re thankful for.

We can write poetry to express our grief and honor our loved one.

We can write down stories and memories that come to mind.

If we’re people of faith, we can adjust whatever we’re writing into prayer, including God in the conversation.

As you can tell, I’m a fan of writing when it comes to healthy grieving.  Writing has been huge for me in working through the losses in my life.

Our world moves at blazing speed. Everyday we’re bombarded by innumerable messages, incessant demands, and a lot of noise. Writing takes time. Writing slows us down and gives us the chance to connect with our own minds and hearts. Writing helps separate us from all the craziness for a while. We need that break.

Whether you’re new to writing like this or super-experienced, here’s a simple exercise you can try.

Choose one of the prompts below. Jot it down. Now, write. Complete the sentence and keep writing. Write whatever comes to mind. Try not to censor yourself. Keep writing until you feel finished.

1. “I’m feeling…”
2. “I remember when…”
3. “I need more…”
4. “I need less…”
5. “I miss…”

Go for it.

How was that?

If you’re game for more, try this. Do this same exercise for the next four days – each day using one of the other four prompts above. Complete the sentence. Write whatever comes.

“Well, that was easy. Too easy. I’m not sure it did anything.”

I get it. I’ve wondered the same thing. Then I realized that’s a bit like a very hungry person eating a bite of toast and saying, “That didn’t help any. I’m still famished.”

The grief journey is hard. Emotional. Frustrating. Confusing. Exhausting. Painful. New situations usually demand new skills. In this uncharted wilderness of grief, we need to develop new survival habits.

If at all possible, we want to move through our grief well. Writing it out can help.

Writing helped some writers of the Bible express their grief, pain, and longing:

My eyes have grown dim with grief; my whole frame is but a shadow. (Job 17:7)

Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. (Psalm 25:17)

Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. (Psalm 31:9)

I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. (Psalm 38:8)

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. (Psalm 119:50)

My eyes fail, looking for your promise; I say, “When will you comfort me?” (Psalm 119:82)

Writing it out is a great, effective way to express what’s happening inside you. It can be a useful habit in your grief toolbox.

Be kind to yourself today. This is hard.

I’m honored to be on this journey with you.

Question: Have you used writing on your grief journey? How so? What was helpful to you? Feel free to share and comment below.

If you want to learn more about using writing for grief recovery, check out Grieving the Write Way Journal and Workbook. If you’ve lost a sibling, check out Grieving the Write Way for Siblings: A Practical Grief Workbook.

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