Gary Roe's Blog, page 5

The Sneaky Culprit That Makes Holidays Even More Difficult

As we all know, grieving over the holidays is hard. Difficult. Frustrating. Painful. Fear-producing. Angering. Sad and often depressing.

Underneath all of this, a sneaky holiday saboteur is lurking. This grief-complicator often manages to operate unrecognized and undetected.

You might have already guessed who – or, more accurately, what – this holiday heart-crusher is.

Expectations.

You have expectations of yourself during this holiday season. How you will feel and be. How you will react. What you will do.

You have expectations of other people. How they will be. How they will treat you. What they will do – and won’t do.

You have expectations of the holidays. How they will be. What will or won’t happen. How things will turn out.

Others have expectations of you. How you will be. What you will do.

And almost all of these expectations are operating under the surface – unnoticed, unidentified, and unexpressed.

An expectation has been defined as an invitation to disappointment.

Who needs more disappointment?

Ugh.

What do we do with this?

First, identify your expectations.

What expectations do you have of yourself this holiday season?

Grab a notepad or sheet of paper. Pull out your phone. Make a list.

What do you expect of you? How you will feel. What you will do. How you will behave. What you can do.

Second, identify your expectations of others.

What do you expect of those around you this holiday season?

How they will look at you. How they will relate to you. How much they will support you – or not. What they will say and do. What do you expect they expect of you?

Again, make a list.

Third, evaluate how realistic your expectations are.

Go through your first list – your expectations of yourself. How realistic are they?

Keep in mind that you are grieving. Remember that grief can be overwhelming, all-encompassing, and incredibly draining.

What expectations do you need to modify? Which ones do you need to dump altogether?

Then go though your second list – your expectations of others.

How realistic are these expectations? What needs to change to align these expectations more with reality?

Identifying and managing our expectations is big (massive, huge) for grieving hearts. We’re already hurting. Why add to the pain by letting these sneaky saboteurs go unchecked?

These holidays will be different. They will be emotional and packed full of grief-releasers. Even so, these holidays can still be good.

Grief will surprise us. That’s inevitable. We can, however, guard and protect our hearts from unnecessary upset by unmasking and managing some of our expectations.

Be kind to yourself today. Breathe.

Until next time…

Question: What expectations do you have of yourself and others this holiday season? Are they realistic? Feel free to comment below and share.

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world.(This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to their own town to register. So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David.  (Luke 2:1-4)

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Thanksgiving While Grieving?

I hope you are doing well today.

Thanksgiving is almost upon us. When we’re grieving, the Thanksgiving holiday comes with all kinds of challenges.

What are we supposed to do with this?

How do we navigate special days that are supposed to be about family, togetherness, and joy?

Not to mention that our world is in terrible disarray. Wars and rumors of wars. Tension, division, hatred, and violence are everywhere. Lawlessness is on the rise. These things only add to the heaviness and pain of our losses.

As I think about all this, several verses from the New Testament come to mind:

Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

These verses contain three commands. These three things are part of God’s prescription for healthy hearts and minds amid difficulty, suffering, and uncertainty.

Rejoice always.

Even while we feel emotionally overwhelmed (or numb), we can make the choice to rejoice. This verse is talking about rejoicing in the Lord – deliberately choosing to fix our thoughts on Him and rejoice in who He is and His goodness to us.

Many times, I do not feel like rejoicing. I feel like grousing, complaining, blaming, etc. I have found when I choose to align myself with God’s will for me and rejoice in Him, my heart begins to respond. Something inside changes.

I cannot rejoice always in my own strength. My self-effort always falls painfully short. Only God Himself can empower this. I ask God to fill me and produce in me a continually rejoicing heart. Will you join me?

Pray continually.

How does one pray continually?

I believe what’s in view here is an attitude of prayer that permeates our daily routine. It’s an attitude of seeking God, being mindful of His continual presence, and yielding to His plan and will.

Of course, praying continually is not something you and I can achieve. It is not something that can be produced by work or effort on our part. Only God can produce a lifestyle saturated with prayer. God wants to do this in me, for it is His will for me.

Again, I’m asking God, by the power of His Spirit, to produce in me a lifestyle of prayer where I am fully yielded to Him. I invite you to join me.

Give thanks in everything, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Bad things happen. Terrible events take place. This world is full of tragedy, pain, evil, and suffering. Being thankful, even amid all this, is one way of saying, “Pain and suffering are real, but they do not define me.”

Even though is a powerful phrase for me.

Even though I’m experiencing ___________, I choose give thanks for _________.

Even though ________ happened, I am thankful that _____________.

Even though I wish that _______________, I give thanks that ________________.

Even though.

There are times when we must deliberately look for the good. Surrounded by grief, I have to ask God for eyes to see Him at work, His blessings, and His goodness to me and others. Once again, I cannot produce a heart of thanksgiving. Only God can do this. Lord, fill me and cultivate in me a thankful heart.

Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. Give thanks in all things for this is God’s will for us.

I pray for myself and for you now, that God would make these verses a reality in our daily lives. I pray for us, that we will be open to Him and allow Him to work in our lives. I pray that we would give ourselves to Him – including our pain, anxiety, and frustrations – so that we might experience His comfort, peace, and healing.

Many times, I find myself fighting against these things. I end up sabotaging God’s comfort, peace, and healing with my own pride, independence, emotional pain, and anger.

Rejoice. Pray. Give thanks.

These are three ways we can be kind to ourselves as we face the onslaught of the holidays. We do not face this onslaught alone. The Lord is with us. He knows us. He knows our suffering and pain. He knows exactly what it is like for us – inside and at the deepest level.

Breathe.

Let us use Thanksgiving to honor our loved ones, grieve well, and give thanks – rather than letting the Thanksgiving holiday use us.

A blessed Thanksgiving to you…

Question: What are you facing this Thanksgiving? What would help you use this holiday for good? Feel free to share using the comment box below.

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Eight Keys to Getting Through the Holiday Season

In my last post, I talked about Why Holidays are So Hard. We covered eight reasons why this season is packed full of challenges for grieving hearts.

Today, we’re going to talk about what we can do about those challenges.

The overall key to staying sane and getting through this season intact is to have a healthy holiday grief mindset. We need to make some “decisions” in our own minds.

Here are eight keys – eight internal decisions we can make – that will help us develop a healthy mindset for this season:

1. I will be kind to myself.

The world is hard on us. Some of us, perhaps most of us, tend to be hard on ourselves. We need to reverse this a bit. What would it look like to be more kind to yourself as you head into this season?

2. I will remember that it’s okay to hurt, especially over the holidays.

If we believe somewhere deep down inside that it’s not okay to hurt and to grieve, we’re going to have an even tougher time managing the pain and grief within. Accepting ourselves as we are is huge.

3. I will accept that this holiday will be very different.

This holiday season will be like no other. You’ve never been here before. This is uncharted territory. You don’t know what this is going to be like exactly, and that’s okay.

4. I will manage my own and others’ expectations.

You have expectations of yourself and others. Others have expectations of you. Most likely, a great number of these expectations are unrealistic or even impossible while you’re grieving.

We’ll cover more on managing expectations later. For now, begin to make the internal decision to become aware of your expectations as you head into this holiday time.

5. I will get the time alone I need, but I will not isolate myself.

We all need time alone. We need time to feel, to think, to process. Isolation, on the other hand, is one of the fiercest enemies of the grieving heart. We need people. We’re designed for relationship. We need relational balance.

6. I will spend time with safe people.

We need safe people in our lives – people who will enter our world and walk alongside us for a bit. All of us need to interact with people that listen well and love us where we’re at.

7. I will limit my time with people who are not helpful to me.

Not everyone will be supportive. In fact, we’ll be shocked by the disappearance of people we had naturally counted on. We’ll also have people who want to interact with us but who are not at all helpful. We need to guard our hearts and limit our exposure to these folks.

8. I will find ways to honor my loved one.

Holidays are a good time to intentionally remember and honor our loved ones. In the coming weeks, we’ll talk about how to make a simple plan to express your love and honor your loved one well. This will bring a sense of purpose and meaning to the holiday season that is desperately needed.

I’m reminded of what wise King Solomon said 3000 years ago: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the spring from which everything in your life flows.” (Proverbs 4:23)

Our hearts are under assault. Information. Expectations. Pressures. Demands. Responsibilities. Worries. Fears. Uncertainties. Upheaval. Past trauma.

Grieving hearts are vulnerable. Guarding our hearts becomes a priority. Actually, guarding our hearts is always a priority.

The above eight “daily decisions” can help us guard our already broken hearts. This is how we can be kind to ourselves.

And please remember that you are not alone, you are not crazy, and you will make it through this.

Until next time…

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Question: Did any of these eight truths resonate with you? If so, which one(s)? Feel free to share and comment below.

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Why Holidays are So Hard for Grieving Hearts

Last week, we had another Zoom Virtual Hangout where we talked about Why Holidays are So Hard. I wanted to give you a brief summary of what I presented.

Before I dive in, if you didn’t register for the session but would like to view the recording, please reply with “Send me the link,” and I’ll get it to you.

Holidays are hard for grieving hearts…

1. Because every day is so hard.

EVERY day is hard while grieving. We know this all too well. Holiday grief is our everyday grief on steroids.

2. Because you are created in the image of God and designed for connection and relationships.

You are not random. You were personally and purposefully created by God Himself. You were wired for connection, not separation. You’re designed to love deeply – and so you grieve deeply.

3. Because your relationship with your loved one is unique.

You are unique in all of human history (even if you’re a twin). So is your loved one. So is your relationship with your loved one. That’s part of why this is painful and lonely.

4. Because the Holiday Season surfaces your losses and throws them in your face.

This time of year will bring your losses to mind like no other. It’s natural that you would be hyper-aware of who’s missing. Your loved one’s absence permeates everything.

5. Because the Holiday Season is packed full of memories and grief triggers.

You bump into a memory with every step. Decorations, songs, sounds, aromas, movies, traditions – anything can be a grief trigger.

6. Because grief and the Holiday Season don’t mix well.

The world expects smiles and laughter. The world isn’t normally friendly to grieving hearts, but during this season you will naturally feel even more out of place. You will experience that surreal feeling many times in the weeks ahead.

7. Because of holiday expectations and fears.

You naturally put expectations on yourself for the holidays. Others put expectations on you as well – what you will do, how you will be, etc. Chances are both sets of expectations are unrealistic. This, coupled with fears about the future, make this time of year supremely challenging.

8. Because your world and life have been changed forever.

The sheer amount of change you’re enduring is stunning. Change is stressful. The holidays are stressful. Overwhelming change plus the holidays can feel debilitating. Talk about grief overload!

No wonder holiday grief is so hard, and we’re not even dealing with the details yet!

So, what do we do?

I’ll cover that in the next time.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Remember that you are not alone. You are not crazy. You will make it through this.

I’m reminded of these words: But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

True strength comes from aligning ourselves with the truth. We are very limited people. We are completely dependent on God for all and everything. It is in Him that we live and move and have our being.

I am not sufficient for this day. He is. He is my sufficiency – at all times and in all situations, no matter what. I am weak. He is my strength for this day.

Until next time…

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Question: Can you relate to the above eight points? Which one stands out to you? Feel free to respond and comment below.

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How Do We Stop Being So Hard on Ourselves?

In my last post, I talked about seven reasons why we tend to be hard on ourselves while grieving:

1. Perfectionism.
2. The desire for control.
3. Being super-responsible.
4. Guilt / Shame.
5. Keeping up appearances.
6. The need to be strong.
7. Past pain, trauma, and wounds.

Loss is already super-challenging. The above seven things put our grief on steroids, making every day seem like a solo climb of Mount Everest.

How do we deal with these seven challenges? Is this simply the way it is, or is there something we might do differently that would help us grieve in healthier ways?

I am reminded of Jesus’ words in Matthew 11:28-30:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30).

First, Jesus issues an invitation to those who are fatigued, exhausted, and burdened. The invitation is simple: “Come to me.”

No to-do list. No laundry list of have-to’s. Just, “Come to me.”

Second, Jesus gives us a promise: “I will give you rest.”

“Come to me…I will give you rest.” Simple. Straightforward.

Then, Jesus goes into more detail. “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me.”

Another invitation. Jesus is inviting us to lay down our burdens – our yoke – and to enter His yoke with Him. To join Him in what He is doing. To let Him lead.

Jesus is speaking of a wooden yoke – a double yoke, for two oxen. A young, novice oxen who had never been in a yoke would be placed with an older, experienced ox. Not knowing what to do, the younger ox would typically pull this way and that and exhaust himself in the process. Then the experienced ox would take over, do the heavy lifting, and move ahead. The younger ox learned to simply follow along. He was basically along for the ride while the experienced ox did the work.

Jesus invites us to lay down our burdens and let Him do the heavy lifting. He’s got this. He’s experienced. He can handle it. “Learn from me,” He says.

Next, another promise: “I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Rest for our souls. Deep, abiding peace.

Then Jesus ends with a statement of fact: “My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Why? Because Jesus is doing the heavy lifting. Jesus is leading. Jesus is doing the work.

Exhausted? Burdened? Struggling?

Come to me. Lay down your burden. Lay down your yoke. Enter my yoke with me. Follow me. Let me lead. Trust me. I know how to do this. Walk with me. You will find rest for your soul – in me.

We can choose to lay down perfectionism. We don’t have to put on that yoke. It’s impossible. We’re not perfect – far from it.

We can choose to lay down the desire for control. We can let go. Control is an illusion anyway.

We can quit trying to be god and lay down the yoke of over-responsibility. We’re just not that powerful. We’re human.

We can choose to release the yoke of guilt and shame. These crushing weights are too much for us.

Keeping up appearances is exhausting and fruitless. Our hearts long to be seen and heard.

We can lay aside the need to appear strong. We’re not strong enough for this, but Jesus is.

The pain, trauma, and wounds of the past are too heavy for us. We were not meant to carry them. We were meant to surrender them and heal from them.

In summary…

Loss is hard enough. We tend to make it even harder by trying to do it all ourselves. Jesus walks along beside us and offers us something much better. He invites us to…

Come to Him.Lay down our burdens (our yoke).Walk with Him and enter His yoke (what He is doing).Let Him lead and do the heavy liftingBegin to experience rest – His rest – for our souls.

Jesus is the ultimate grief expert. He knows all about pain, suffering, and loss. He is well-acquainted with grief, rejection, betrayal, misunderstanding, false accusations, mocking, persecution, abuse, torture, and even death. He knows. He gets it.

And He experiences our losses with us. He knows you – completely – down to your thoughts and emotions and beyond.

I can’t imagine a better grief companion.

I invite you to join me as once again today I come to Jesus, lay down my yoke (my burdens, worries, fears, etc.), walk with Him, let Him lead, and join Him in what He is doing. My soul needs rest. I’m betting yours does too.

Don’t go this alone. You don’t have to. Don’t go all stubborn and independent. You’ll only exhaust yourself. I know. Been there. Done that. Many times.

You are not alone. Far from it. He’s with you, right now.

Thanks for reading. I’m glad to be in this with you.

Question: How does your heart respond to Jesus’ words in Matthew 11:28-30? Are there some burdens you need to lay down? Please feel free to respond in the comment section below.

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Why We’re Hard on Ourselves While Grieving

Why are we grievers so hard on ourselves sometimes (or maybe all the time)?

You would think we would realize that a devastating loss would bring life as we know it to a grinding halt. But the reality is that we don’t know what to do when loss strikes.

Loss is often swept under the rug. Denied. Stuffed. Ignored.

Why? Often because of the messages we get from the people and culture around us:

“Don’t grieve in front of me. Keep it private.”

“Don’t be sad. I don’t want to see that.”

“Pick yourself up. Move on. Get over it.”

Etc.

Yesterday, we had another Virtual Hangout via Zoom. Our topic was “Why Are We Hard on Ourselves While Grieving?”

We talked about seven possible reasons:

1. Perfectionism.

This loss is so painful and our loved one is so important that we want to get this right. We want to succeed at grief. We want to do well – with excellence.

Of course, if we naturally struggle with perfectionism, it’s natural that we would struggle with this is the grief process too.

The big problem is that we aren’t perfect. Not even close. We won’t get this “right” – because there is no definition of “right” in this case.

2. The desire for control.

Loss throws everything into turmoil. Life is turned inside-out and upside-down. We feel so out-of-control that the desire to control something – anything – is natural and can be very strong.

We start micromanaging our lives. We try to exercise more control over people, situations, and circumstances. Combined with a little perfectionism, the desire for control can catapult a grieving heart into decision-paralysis. Small, everyday decisions become solo climbs of Mount Everest.

3. Being super-responsible.

Some of us are overly-responsible. In our desire to be trustworthy, competent, and highly dependable people, we can take responsibility for things and people that we have no control over whatsoever.

In other words, we take responsibility for things we are not responsible for.

A sense of hyper-responsibility can quickly land us in grief burnout. Our hearts have been hit and there’s less emotional,  mental, and physical energy to do routine life (whatever that is now).  It’s all too much. Exhaustion is the result. Our feelers shut down. Numbness invades.

4. Guilt / Shame.

Then there’s the not-helpful-at-all dynamic duo of guilt and shame. If we’ve struggled with this pair in the past, chances are we’ll be frequently assaulted by them on the grief journey.

Guilt says, “It’s all my fault.” Shame says, “Of course it’s all my fault. I’m bad.”

Guilt and shame keep us from recognizing and embracing who God is, who we are, what Jesus has done for us, and what it means to walk with God through pain and suffering. Guilt and shame keep us looking inward, replaying our perceived failures over and over.

5. Keeping up appearances.

We try to put a good face on our pain. Who wants to stick out? Most of us want to blend in, especially when we’re hurting. And so we play the “I’m fine” game. It feels a lot easier than the other options.

We’re designed for relationships and community. Who wants to be hurting? We want to fit in and be accepted and loved. So we fashion a mask to protect ourselves. No wonder. We’re vulnerable.

6. The need to be strong.

Others depend on us. Others are watching. We need to be strong. Others need us to be strong. So we shove our grief deep inside, put on our armor, and pretend we’re something we’re not.

Who wants to be weak? Who wants to be perceived as weak? So we suck it up and go through the motions. We feel we must keep it together and project strength.

7. Past pain, trauma, and wounds.

Current losses surface past losses. Past pain, wounds, and trauma get triggered and hurl themselves back into our lives and consciousness. We can wonder if we’ve made any progress in life at all.

The impact of past pain invading the present – on top of the current loss – can be overwhelming and paralyzing. We can feel worthless, hopeless, and helpless. Deflated. Disappointed. Depressed.

Are you hard on yourself while grieving? Which of the above most resonates with you?

Perhaps you’re wondering, “What do I do with this? How do I heal? How do I do this differently?

How do I not be so hard on myself?“

More on that next time.

In the meantime, breathe.

You are not alone, though grief can be a terribly lonely process.

You are not crazy, though at times you will feel feel that way.

You will make it through this, though right now you might wonder how.

Until next time…

Question: Are you hard on yourself? How so? Are there ways you might be kinder to yourself while grieving?

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“I can’t even get grief right!”

“I can’t even get grief right!”

Stacey felt like a failure. Her recent loss had taken a huge toll.

She felt like a child again. She felt vulnerable. She felt small.

She felt like she couldn’t do anything well or get anything right. Like she didn’t know anything anymore. Everything looked the same but everything was different. All the rules of life had suddenly changed.

Her heart, mind, health, spiritual life, and relationships were all in upheaval. Her future had become a blank cloud.

She felt like she was failing at everything, including grief.

“I can’t even get grief right!”

Have you ever felt this way?

I certainly have.

The stunning level of change that occurs after a close, heart-rending loss can be overwhelming. Everything seems to be in disarray. Our hearts and minds are shocked, shaking, and disheveled.  No wonder our external lives – our routines, responsibilities, and relationships – feel confusing and out of control.

We don’t feel like ourselves – at all. And there’s good reason for that. We’re not ourselves.

Who we were has been altered – and is being altered – by this painful loss. Life as we knew it is over. The old normal no longer exists.

We’re trying, but we feel like we can’t get anything right. On top of the excruciating pain, we feel like failures. We’re in uncharted, seemingly impossible territory. We can’t even get grief right.

My mind goes to Psalm 46:1-3:

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

We can feel like everything is falling apart. God is holding us together.

We can feel shattered, devastated, and even destroyed. God is an ever-present help in this time of trouble.

We can feel rejected, abandoned, and terribly alone. God is with us and closer than our own hearts.

We can feel terrified, anxious, sad, and depressed. God is our refuge.

We can feel small, vulnerable, weak, and even powerless. God is all-powerful. He offers to be our strength.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;I will be exalted among the nations,I will be exalted in the earth.” (Psalm 46:10)

Breathe.

Be still.

Know that He is God.

He has this. Even this. He has you. Even now. Right now.

He is present with you and never leaves.

Though all else be in upheaval, He is the Rock that never changes.

Breathe.

Be still.

Know that He is God.

“I can’t even get grief right.” Yes, that’s the way it feels.

The good news is we don’t have to get it right. What is right in grief anyway? We want things to be different so badly that we can become hard on ourselves and expect the impossible from ourselves.

We need a break. We need to breathe. This is bigger than us. We need a Rock. The Rock.

We need to breathe, be still, and know that He is God.

I’m praying for you now.

Until next time…

Question: Do you feel like a failure in grief – or in life? Please feel free to comment and share below. We’re in this together!

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Is Grief Stress Messing with You?

Grief is a form of stress.

Grief is an ongoing, intense form of stress. This grinding, relentless stress messes with us.

“Messes with…” is a common phrase where I live down in Texas. Perhaps it came from an anti-litter campaign decades ago called “Don’t Mess with Texas.”

Grief stress messes with us. It creates mess after mess after mess that we get to deal with.

Here are a few of the ways grief stress can mess with us:

Grief stress messes with our emotions.

When loss strikes, our emotions get involved quickly. Feelings start spilling out everywhere and all over everything. Our emotions can be intense, powerful, and even overwhelming.

Life suddenly becomes extremely emotional. Unknown to us, feelings begin to push logic aside. We begin to live by our emotions rather than by wisdom.

Feeling more out-of-control intensifies our desire to take control – of something, someone, somehow.

Grief stress messes with our minds.

Ongoing stress sucks our mental energy. We don’t know how to think about or process all this. We get confused. We’re in uncharted territory. We don’t feel equipped for this.

The mental impact in turn messes with our decision-making. We’re not thinking clearly. Our perspective is gone. Our hearts and minds have been shaken and rattled. We vacillate between unwise decisions and decision paralysis.

Grief stress messes with our bodies.

Ongoing stress attacks and eventually weakens our immune system. We get sick more often. Pre-existing conditions are often exacerbated. New pains, aches, and health concerns tend to pop up. It can feel like our bodies are falling apart under the strain of it all.

Grief stress is terribly exhausting.

Grief stress messes with our relationships.

Loss changes us. Because we are changing, our relationships are also changing. This feels like more loss and often leads to confusion, conflict, frustration, and anger.

Ongoing stress causes us to take things more personally. We can feel misunderstood, unseen, unheard, rejected, and even betrayed and abandoned.

Grief stress also tends to isolate us from others, causing us to feel alone and adrift.

Grief stress messes with our spiritual growth.

When things get this uncomfortable and painful, we naturally begin to judge ourselves, others, and even God. We judge God, His care, and His love for us based on what happened and what’s happening.

I’m reminded of a statement in a book I was read recently: “In this day, I will not judge, God, His work, myself, or others on the basis of feelings or circumstances.”

Yes, grief stress messes with us.

So, what do we do with it?

We process this stress as best we can. We “get the grief out” when we can, how we can, with whom we can.

We share with safe people who will walk alongside us in love and compassion.

We make the daily choice to be kind to ourselves and patient with ourselves. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

We remind ourselves that now is not forever and that things will change.

We remind ourselves that Jesus knows all about grief and suffering, that He is with us, and that He walks with us each and every moment.

We remind ourselves that feelings are not necessarily reality. Acknowledge the emotions. Process them. Let them pass on through.

We remind ourselves that God is our strength, our refuge, our fortress. We do not ultimately rely on ourselves or other people. We can choose to embrace the pain and suffering that comes as an opportunity to know Him better and walk with Him more fully. He is an expert at taking disaster and somehow using it for incredible good.

Is grief stress messing with you?

I’m sure it is. You’re human.

I would like to emphasize that all that I have written above is natural and common – and therefore normal – in the grief process. Grief stress messes with us and will mess with us.

We won’t be able to stop the grief stress from coming, but we can make changes in how we respond to it.

Is there a change you want to make today?

Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. You are not alone. You are not crazy. You will get through this.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1)

Question: Is grief stress messing with you? How so? Is there anything you would like to do differently? Feel free to share by commenting below.

 

The post Is Grief Stress Messing with You? first appeared on Gary Roe.

New book Soul Cry is now available!

I wanted to let you know that Soul Cry is now available.

Soul Cry is currently on new release special for the next few days:

The Kindle edition is more than 80% off its eventual retail price at only $0.99.

The Nook and eBook editions are also currently only $0.99.

The paperback edition is currently $10.99 (retail will be $17.99).

The book is also available on Amazon in Canada, the UK, and other countries (if you need a link for your country, please let me know).

Here are what some advance readers have said about this book of devotional prayers:

Gary Roe’s new book Soul Cry is like a soothing balm to grieving and suffering hearts. It helps us lament and express our painful and confusing emotions in Scripture-based daily prayers. It is a very helpful resource to connect with God and process our grief.  – Hadassah Treu, author

Soul Cry is an essential tool to assist you through the journey of grief and loss. Often, we find ourselves at a loss for words, without a means to express our heartache, pain, and sorrow. In the midst of the flood tears and difficult emotions, Soul Cry provides eloquent prayers we can use when our hearts and minds are clouded with grief.  – Steve Johnson

In my loss of my only adult child, I found this book to  be a daily friend that in few words, helps to add balm to my soul. It gave me words of encouragement. The daily Bible verses were words of comfort, love, and wisdom from God’s Word. If you are in trials that cause your soul to cry-out, this book will be a tool to give you strength each day to carry on when seeking tenderness and compassion. It will be your “anytime friend.”  – Wanda Stein, Co-founder Helping Hand Grief Support

Soul Cry covers the whole gambit of feelings when a loss is suffered; the sadness, loneliness, anger and feelings of abandonment. The Bible passages help one realize God is there and has never left us. The comfort this book provides is immeasurable. – Vicki Heimsoth

Soul Cry is a well-written book of Bible based daily prayers. This is exactly what I am needing in my grief walk!  The daily prayers help ground me. They give me hope and strength to aid in the demands of my daily life. Thank you Gary Roe for this amazing book! – Beverly Sciance

If you know someone who could benefit from Soul Cry, please feel free to forward this email to them. We want to get this new resource into the hands that need it as affordably as possible.

Thanks again for your support. Join me in praying that God would use Soul Cry to bring hope, healing, and great encouragement to hurting, suffering hearts.

Until next time…

As an Amazon Associate, I benefit from qualifying purchases.

The post New book Soul Cry is now available! first appeared on Gary Roe.

When We’re Tired of Pain

I wanted to let you know that my new book Soul Cry: Devotional Prayers for Wounded, Grieving, and Suffering Hearts is now available. I’ll post some links very soon where you can take a look.

Soul Cry is a daily prayer devotional that covers three months, with a total of 93 Scripture-based devotional prayers.

To give you a taste of the book, below is a devotional from the first month.

Tired of Pain

Psalm 42:1-5

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
(42:1-2)

I need You so badly, Lord.
I need Your presence, Your strength, Your comfort.
I need Your love, Your peace, Your patience.
I need Your power, Your mercy, Your healing.
I need You.

My tears have been my food day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
(42:3)

I too wonder where You are at times, Lord.
I know the answers. I know You are with me.
I want to experience Your presence,
stronger and stronger each day.

Thank you for the people around me
who love me and bring comfort.
They are blessings from You.
When human comforters are not available,
I will not despair, for You are always here.

These things I remember as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.
(42:3-4)

I look back and weep.
It seems like the former days always seem better somehow.
I am tired of pain, exhausted by this grueling grief.
Help me to look back and see You-
Your blessings, Your provision, Your love.
Then help me look ahead and know that You are the same.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
(42:5)

Be calm, O my soul.
My hope is in You, Lord.
I will praise You today.
I will give thanks to You.

In Jesus’ name…

My prayer is that Soul Cry would be healing, hope-giving, and encouraging to many who are hurting and suffering from their own losses and from all that is happening in the world around them.

Thank you for your support and encouragement as we launch this resource out into the world.

We live in troubled times. The grief and suffering we’re experiencing is massive. Please take good care of yourself. Be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. You’re more important than you realize.

Until next time.

Question: Do you feel the grief in the depth of your soul? How do you deal with this? Feel free to leave a comment and share below.

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