Gary Roe's Blog, page 19

BEATING HOLIDAY GRIEF #4 (Video): A Holiday Healing Secret

 

The holidays are here, and for many of us, they hurt.

This is the fourth and final video in our series on Beating Holiday Grief.

Here are the major points from the other videos:

Video #1: Grief makes holidays challenging, and expectations can add even more to your grief load.

Video #2: You can be proactive. You can choose – what you do, when, how, and with whom.

Video #3: You can meet grief head on, and plan specific ways to honor your loved one.

Today I would like to share with you that something that could make a huge impact in your holiday experience. I call it the Holiday Healing Secret.

Actually, it’s not a secret. In fact, it’s so simple you might even roll your eyes.

Use your grief to give thanks.  

You can turn grief into thanksgiving. Gratitude helps heal broken hearts.

Plan a specific time of thanksgiving focused on your loved one.
Have a balloon release. Write messages to or about your loved one on balloons and then release them together.
Write short messages of thanksgiving about your loved one, put them in a box, and wrap them. Open it with the other gifts and read them together.

Be creative. Make it personal.

Use your grief to help you heal. Practicing thanksgiving can be very powerful.

Here are three resources that can help further:

I Miss You: A Holiday Survival Kit – a free e-book you can download any time. 


Surviving the Holidays Without You: Navigating Grief During Special Seasons – a practical book full of stories and encouraging content. Available in e-book and paperback.
  The Good Grief Mini-Course – a free email course to help you ride the roller coaster of grief.

Yes, your life has changed forever. These holidays might be difficult, but they can still be good.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

 

Question: How might you use thanksgiving to honor your loved one and help yourself grieve well?

BEATING HOLIDAY GRIEF #3 (VIDEO): How to do the Holidays WITH Your Loved One

 

The Holidays are here. And for many, they hurt.

This is the third video in our series on Beating Holiday Grief.

In the first video, Hurting for the Holidays, we talked about how this time is normally stressful, but grief can make it overwhelming.

In the second video, Why Holidays are Hard and What You Can Do about It, we talked about the unrealistic expectations that come with the holidays and how to tackle them while grieving.

Today we’re going to talk about how you can include your loved one in the holidays.

Here’s a summary of today’s video:

Instead of letting the holidays use you, use them to honor your loved one and love those around you.

How? Plan specific ways to include and celebrate the one who passed. Here a few ideas:

Set up an empty chair honoring your loved one
Light a candle in remembrance
Have everyone bring a card that reminds them of the person
Put a present with their name on it under the tree. Pass the present around and share memories.

Be creative. If you’re willing, new traditions can be born that honor your loved one and help you and others move on with them, in a new way.

Next time, in our final video, we’ll be talking about a secret you can use to make these holidays a healing experience. It could make all the difference.

If you’re looking for more help navigating the holidays, check out Surviving the Holidays Without You. Packed with stories, comforting content, and practical suggestions, it’s available on Amazon in both e-book and paperback formats.

Your life has changed forever. These holidays might be difficult, but they can still be good.

 

Question: How are you planning to include loved ones you’ve lost in these holidays?

BEATING HOLIDAY GRIEF #2: Why Holidays are Hard and What You Can Do About It

 

Welcome to the second video in this series on Beating Holiday Grief. Today we’re going to be talking about why holidays are hard and what you can do about it.

Here’s a summary of the main points:

Holidays are hard. Grief can make them unbearable.
How you juggle expectations (yours and others’) in the midst of grief will greatly affect your holidays.
You can manage expectations by proactively choosing what to do, how, when, and with whom.
How do you do that? Three suggestions…


Take yourself seriously. Be nice to you. You’re no good to anyone else if you don’t take care of you.
Learn to say, “NO.” Try saying something like, “This year is going to be hard without my loved one, so I’m going to do things differently this year. I hope you’ll understand.”
Let go of guilt. It’s not your responsibility to meet everyone’s expectations. Do what’s good for you.

As you do these things, you’ll be grieving well and honoring your loved one at the same time. If you do what’s good for you, it’s usually good for others too.

I have two more videos on Beating Holiday Grief, so stay tuned. Next time: Doing the Holidays WITH your loved one, not WITHOUT them. 

In the meantime, here are two resources to help:

I Miss You: A Holiday Grief Survival Kit – A free, short and practical e-book . You can download it now by clicking here.
Surviving the Holidays Without You  - An encouraging, practical guide to this time of year. Available as an e-book or paperback.

Your life has changed forever. These holidays will be different, but they can still be good.

 

Question: What are you struggling with this holiday season?

 

BEATING HOLIDAY GRIEF #1: Hurting for the Holidays?

 

Holidays are challenging. They surface our losses in ways nothing else can.

In my work as a hospice chaplain, I’ve been struck by the power of what I call “Holiday Grief.” This is normally a stressful time of year, but facing the holidays while immersed in grief can be overwhelming.

That’s why I’m doing this 4-part video series on Beating Holiday Grief. I encourage you to watch (it’s 3 minutes), and then pass it along.

Here’s a brief synopsis of Beating Holiday Grief #1: Hurting for the Holidays:

I lost my dad when I was 15. Another family took me in and I celebrated Christmas with them. They were wonderful, but I missed my dad desperately.
The next year, I dreaded the holidays. I felt so alone.  I was stuck in Holiday Grief.
What can you do? You can either use the holidays to help you grieve well, or the holidays will use you.
You can take yourself and your grief seriously, AND honor the one you miss, AND love those around you this holiday season. How? More on that in the next video.

In the meantime, here is a free resource for you: I Miss You: A Holiday Grief Survival Kit – This is a short, practical e-book on how to survive the holidays. Click here to download it today.

This is tough. Your life has changed forever. These holidays will be different. But they can still be good.

Until next time…

Question: What losses do the holidays surface for you?

Hurting for the Holidays? Help is on the way…

Image courtesy of SFcreative

Happy Holidays? Merry Christmas?

Not for everyone.

Many are struggling with the loss of a loved one. Perhaps it’s you. If so, help is on the way.

If you’re not grieving this year, I’ll bet you can remember the first holidays after you lost someone. This year, you can help someone else navigate theirs.

 

Help for the Hurting: The Holiday Grief Campaign

For the grieving, holidays bring powerful reminders of their loved ones. Normal holiday stress is compounded astronomically by grief. Celebrating might be the furthest thing from their minds.

From Nov. 21-Dec. 21, we’re having our second Holiday Grief Campaign. We’re going to use Facebook to meet hurting people where they are and help them heal.

Our goals:

provide a safe environment where people can grieve without judgment
provide short, inspirational bursts of content to bring comfort and hope
provide practical ideas and tools to help the bereaved navigate the holidays

How are we going to do this?

Through 5 Facebook posts a week during the campaign.

 

How You Can Help

It’s simple.

When the time comes, all you have to do is be willing to share 3-5 selected posts from my Gary Roe – Author, Speaker, Survivor Facebook page posts for the 4 weeks of the campaign.

That’s it.

 

Want to Help?

1. Go to and like my Gary Roe – Author, Speaker, Survivor page. Then you’ll be able to directly share posts from this page.

2. Go to the special Facebook group Holiday Grief Ambassadors and request to become a member. Then you’ll be able to get updates about the campaign.

3. When the time comes, share the selected posts. I’ll let you know which ones these are.

Simple. And we could help thousands.

 

Resources We’re Providing

In addition to simple, comforting posts, we’re providing three resources designed to help people grieve well:

1. I Miss You: A Holiday Survival Kit – This free, brief e-book explains why holidays are hard and gives three simple steps to making them better while in the midst of grief. Available soon!

2. The Good Grief Mini-Course - This free, 8-session email series combines stories and practical suggestions to help people navigate the grief roller-coaster.

3. Surviving the Holidays Without You - This book is full of stories, warm content, and practical tips for making these holidays good even in the midst of grief. Available in e-book and paperback.

 

We Need You!

Again, just share 3-5 Facebook posts a week from my Gary Roe – Author, Speaker, Survivor page. That’s it. Together we can make a huge impact.

 

Question: Are you missing someone this year? How do you deal with Holiday Grief?

Meant for More Than This? Yes!

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Most of us long for more. Do you?

In my previous post, I talked about the self-hatred many of us battle. We mercilessly punish ourselves for things done and said (or not done and not said). We open the door, and guilt is there. We turn the corner, and shame is waiting for us. Pain clouds our days.

Deep down, we know we were meant for more than this.

 

Sometimes We Have to Be Broken

I was in my mid-30′s. I’d been having panic attacks. I was struggling in multiple areas. Fear was a constant companion. Grief took over my life.

It was an ugly, emotionally intense time. It culminated one night at about 3 a.m. I couldn’t sleep and found myself prostrate on the floor, my face buried in a pillow, weeping. That night seemed to last forever, but when I got up the next morning, my perspective had changed.

Something had broken inside. Looking back, I believe I came to the end of myself. I quit struggling to figure it all out. I ceased trying to be in control. Somehow, I had let go.

 

Brokenness Can Lead to Freedom

I love this Scripture:

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

Do not allow yourselves, then, to be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

(Galatians 5:1).

I was used to slavery. A broken home, childhood sexual abuse, and multiple losses set up me up for guilt, shame, fear, and anxiety. I tried to make myself as small and quiet as possible, hoping to somehow disappear. I wanted out.

Even then, I knew I was meant for more.

I was meant to live in freedom. So were you.

Free to replace fear with faith
Free to grieve the loss of those you love
Free to endure suffering without letting it rule your heart
Free to forgive and live grudge-less
Free to accept the past, knowing it doesn’t determine your future
Free to struggle, knowing you’re always in training for better things
Free to be broken to live at new level of maturity and wisdom
Free to let go and trust, knowing you’re not in charge
Free to encourage and shun gossip
Free to love God and other people
Free to be whom you were created to be
Free to exercise the talents and gifts you were given
Free to serve and make a difference in the world
Free to battle and overcome evil

 

Lean Forward

Whatever’s back there, deal with it.

Whatever’s out there, lean into it.

Everything you face is part of your freedom-training. Flee self-slavery. Find some good freedom-training partners. Lean forward.

You were meant for more. You can do this – one day at a time.

 

Question: Which one of the “freedoms” above grabbed your attention, and why?

Why We Hate Ourselves So Much

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How much time and energy have I spent punishing myself for the things I’ve said and done?

More than I’d care to admit.

What good did it do? Did it alleviate the pain of my failure? Did it solve the issue and restore relationships? Did it help me grow and learn?

Nope.

So why do I do this?

 

Why We Punish Ourselves

Let’s face it. We don’t always like ourselves. There’s some self-hatred in all of us.

So when we blow it, this seed of self-dislike suddenly bursts into full bloom. Self-punishment is the result.

We dwell on our failures. We feel terrible. We overeat, or starve ourselves. We work ourselves to death, or become ambitionless couch potatoes. We medicate ourselves with our chosen vices.

The results? Our guilt and shame grow. Our deep-rooted dislike of ourselves expands.

 

It’s My Fault

Guilt and shame have been close companions of mine since early childhood. Sexual abuse played a huge role in this. Though an innocent victim, I blamed myself. Surely it was my fault.

This led to assuming I was to blame when anything went wrong. If I was bad, then everything bad around me was my fault. I became painfully shy. I even pretended I was invisible so that perhaps nothing else bad would happen.

Maybe my case is extreme. But after three decades of listening to people’s stories, I’ve discovered the thread of self-hatred is thicker than we realize. It destroys more lives than we can count.

 

Our Self-Hatred is Obvious

Our self-hatred parades itself everywhere. Check today’s news. Glance at the headlines. Contemplate our history. Self-hatred has threaded its way to our core. It influences and even determines our lives in ways we’re not aware.

This runs deep. I believe it’s spiritual. And if the problem is spiritual, so must the solution be. It’s ultimately an issue of faith – what we believe about ourselves, the world, and God.

My theology says Jesus Christ died on the cross for me. He shouldered my evil. He willingly received my punishment. My belief system says he did this to set me free from shame and guilt, because he loved me. And as his life was expiring, he said, “It is finished.”

I find myself staring at the cross. It’s as if Jesus is looking right at me.

“It is finished.”

Yet I continue to toy with self-hatred.

If whom I believe to be the Creator and Savior of the universe forgives and accepts me, why do I mercilessly continue this war on myself? When I indulge in guilt, shame, and self-punishment, am I not saying, “Jesus what you did was great and all, but it’s just not enough for me?”

Ugh.

 

We’re Screaming for Help

No matter what our faith orientation, most of us believe we’re more than mere accidents. We inherently know people are special and have profound value.

Advertising knows our self-hatred well. Most products and services offered are saturated with the message, “You’re worth it!” We’re screaming, “Someone, somewhere, please convince me I matter!” And we’re willing to pay out the nose for anything that promises to help.

We’re desperately trying to prop ourselves up, and it’s not working. In almost every conversation I have, people somehow say, “We’re meant for more than this!”

Yes. More than guilt and shame. More than self-hatred and self-punishment.

How do we get there?

Tune in next time. Maybe we’ll find some answers.

 

QUESTION: How big of an issue do you think self-hatred is, and why?

Will I Ever Truly Be Loved?

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Several years ago I had a dream. I was in a jail cell surrounded by video monitors. Faces from my past appeared on the screens. They spoke in unison the same messages, over and over:

“You’ll never be good enough.”

“You’re damaged goods.”

“You’re worthless.”

“No one will ever love you.”

When I woke, it felt like my heart had been pierced.

 

The Voices of the Past

The voices of our past are powerful. The messages we received go deep. And underneath those wounding words is a constant wondering: “Do you love me?”

This is our basic hunger. Our striving for meaning, significance, security, and happiness stem from this. We emerge from the womb looking for love. Not just any love either.

We long for the ultimate. We thirst for love that is real, dependable, and permanent. We hunt for it with every fiber of our soul.

We yearn for perfect love.

It’s Him we came out of the womb screaming for. We dreamed of Him all through childhood. We’ve hungered for Him ever since. Real, enduring love.

He created us. We’re hotwired to seek Him, know Him, and do life with Him. We long for the Creator’s love and all it means: acceptance, peace, safety, joy, meaning, significance, adventure.

But the racket of those old, familiar messages distracts us. We believed these lies, and now we hear them in our own voices. We launch into our days on a relentless pursuit to find something, anything that promises to quiet the gnawing hunger within.

 

Back to Basics

Our basic need and fundamental longing is to know the One who created us. It’s his love we’re wired for and only his love will satisfy.

I know this, but I forget so quickly. I can start my day consciously aware of Him, then be lost in my routine in a matter of seconds. The Creator of the universe invites me to do life with Him, yet I seem continually immersed in the trivial and the urgent.

Something has to change.

 

Learning to Experience Love

One verse keeps coming to mind: “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).

Be still. Silence. Deliberate times of quiet focus and surrender. I begin my day with a block of time like this, but it’s not enough.

I’m on a mission to sprinkle such moments throughout my day. I’m making the decision to slow down, and as I do, I begin to see little windows of opportunity.

I stop for a moment. I close my eyes. In my mind, I go to Jesus in a place where no burdens are allowed. This isn’t a time for me to run on about my distress and trouble (though I need opportunities to do that). The goal is to just be. To be quiet. To be in His presence. That’s all.

I’m in the presence of perfect love. Yes, He is always with me, but that doesn’t mean I’m experiencing Him. I need deliberate, focused moments to do that.

As I practice this, my heart becomes more settled. When I think about grabbing a few minutes to practice being in his presence, I find myself smiling. These moments are becoming shining highlights in my days.

 

What can you do?

If you’re wanting to experience more of the love you were made for, try this:

Practice silence. Why not now? Take a moment. Close your eyes. Listen. If you’re new to this, you may just want to start there.

Grab time at the beginning and end of the day. Start slow. Just a few minutes will do. Get quiet. Listen.

Mix in a verse of scripture. How about starting with, “Be still and know that I am God”? Listen. Hear it from Him.

Snag random moments throughout the day. Use those few minutes in-between this or that. You have more opportunities than you realize.

Persevere. Keep at it. As you practice silent, receiving-from-Him moments, you’ll find more peace invading your life.

If you want more hints, contact me.

Remember – when you’re consciously in His presence, you’re interacting with perfect love. You were made for this.

 

QUESTION: How do you best experience Love in the midst of the noise of life?

How to Let Mistakes Steal Your Life

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I hate messing up – especially when I let others down or hurt someone.

I’ll bet you do too.

Will we fail sometimes? Yes.

Will we disappoint others? Yes.

Will we hurt some people in the process? Yes.

Failure is common. How we respond to it is critical.

 

A Tale of Two Souls

The name Judas has become synonymous with betrayal. He was one of Jesus’ inner circle, one of the famed twelve. Jesus didn’t fit the mold of Messiah Judas was expecting. The end result was Judas sold Jesus into the hands of the authorities for thirty silver coins.

The next morning as Jesus was condemned to crucifixion, a wave of remorse swept over Judas. He returned the silver, throwing it into the Temple with disgust. Then he killed himself.

What happened?

Judas failed big-time. He felt remorseful, but allowed guilt to take over. He saw the enormity of his error and couldn’t imagine any redemption, any forgiveness large enough to cover it. He believed his sin was greater than God’s ability to deal with it (and with him).

Judas allowed his failure to define him. And it stole his life. 

As Judas’ drama was playing out, another of Jesus’ inner circle blew it. Peter was arguably the most passionate and closest of Christ’ disciples. When Jesus was taken captive, Peter followed at a distance. As he awaited the outcome of Jesus’ trial, several onlookers recognized him.

To save his own skin, three times Peter declared, “I don’t know the man!”  This from the disciple who pledged his willingness to die for Jesus a few hours earlier.

Another betrayal.

Remorse seized Peter as well. In his heart, he owned up to what he had done. He grieved, deeply. He re-engaged with the rest of the disciples. He went with John to see the empty tomb. He had conversations with Jesus after the resurrection. He became a bold, fearless leader in the early church.

Similar scenarios, two very different results. Peter launched from his failure into his mission. Judas ended his own life.

Yes, how we respond to failure is critical. It can change everything.

 

When You Mess Up…

Be remorseful, but don’t let it rule your heart. Let remorse propel you to action.
Own up. Tell yourself and God the truth. Confess to others if appropriate. Ask forgiveness.
Don’t let your mistakes define you. Only God can do that. Forgive yourself.
Don’t be arrogant, thinking your actions are more powerful than God’s ability to forgive and restore.
Make amends when you can, especially when it benefits the other party and your relationship.
Learn from your mess-ups. Use them to heal, grow, and engage in deeper relationship with God and others.

Dare to believe that God can turn anything around.

 

Question: How are you learning to use failure to propel you forward?

How to Be Unhappy in Two Easy Steps

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We write songs extolling it. We make blockbuster movies portraying it. We craft products and services that promise a little more of it. The Declaration of Independence affirms our right to pursue it.

Happiness.

One definition reads, “The mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions.” No wonder it’s popular. In the midst of an often chaotic world full of challenges, happiness sounds pretty good.

We long for it, yet it evades our grasp. From time to time, we snatch a bit as it flashes past. It feels so good. We want to hang on, but the next challenge bears down upon us and those wonderful feelings seem to evaporate into thin air.

I’m not sure happiness is what I’m after. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy feeling good, and I like pleasant emotions. But searching for something that appears so transient and fickle doesn’t exactly thrill me.

I’m hoping for something way beyond happiness.

 

Two Ways to Send Happiness Packing

Happiness is unstable enough, but we tend to make it impossible. If Dr. Depression could write a prescription to alleviate all symptoms of happiness, it might go something like this. How to be unhappy, in two easy steps:

1. Make it about you.

Believe the world is here to serve you. People owe you. You deserve such-and-such. Embrace entitlement. Let these thoughts run deep. Dwell on them. It’s a sure way to court disappointment and anger.

Blame others for what goes wrong, then project that out in the form of gossip. Find other miserable, entitled folks to commiserate with. Chew the fat and share your complaints. This keeps everyone stuck and the cycle of anger and frustration snowballing.

I wonder how deep this runs in me. I’ll bet I struggle with entitlement more than I realize. I’m not a good observer of myself, and need the help of others to know how I’m coming across. I need safe people I trust to speak truth into my life with compassion and grace.

2. Go it alone.

Do it yourself. Be stubborn and isolated. Be deceived that this is real strength. Become an island. If people are going to treat you this way, you don’t need them.

Withdraw. Trust no one. Self-medicate. Eat, drink, and do whatever you need to do to silence the pain. Hold the grudge. Fuel the fire of anger. Let it devour you from the inside out. Exercise control of people and situations to mask how out of control you feel. Hide.

This is another way of making it all about you. Your life, your plan, your way.

This is part of the plan of evil – to divide and conquer, to keep us apart, separate, and alone. We were created for connection, and we do life in teams: friends, families, marriages, workplaces, small groups, neighborhoods, churches.

I have a number of teams in my life. You do too. They make life rich and meaningful. We can’t heal, grow, and engage in God’s purpose without them.

 

The Dream of Many Coats

A few weeks ago, I had a dream. I saw myself, burdened and weighed down with many heavy coats. Jesus came up to me and smiled. He held out his hands. I tried to give him the coats, but it was like they were glued on.

“You must let me take them off,” he said.

I relaxed. He came to me and took the first one off, then the next. Other people appeared and helped Jesus remove more coats. The coats had names: fear, loneliness, hurt, financial worries, health concerns, relational challenges, etc.

Finally, Jesus and his helpers took off the last heavy coat. It was shame. I felt so light. Jesus smiled and began to run. I laughed and ran after him. Soon we were all running together at a blistering, inhuman pace. It was wonderful.

When we stopped, I wasn’t even winded. Then I noticed we were surrounded by more people, each of them isolated and alone, burdened with many coats.

I looked at Jesus. He smiled. “Come. We have work to do,” He said.

 

We Have Work to Do

Happiness is good, but contentment is great. I think of contentment as a deep sense of peace and okay-ness that flows from the conviction that God is good and can be trusted. Contentment never bows to circumstances, but lives above them. That’s powerful.

If you’re burdened today, take heart. The Burden Bearer is here. He has placed teams around you. Lean on Him, and them.

You aren’t alone.

Come, there is work to do.

 

Question: What’s the biggest roadblock to contentment for you?