Gary Roe's Blog, page 16

When Grief Steals Our Oxygen

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Life can take our breath away. Literally.

“It’s constant. I had no idea how hard it would be. The depth of the grief is astounding,” Maggie shared.

“Sometimes I feel like I can’t even catch my breath.”

Maggie’s husband Ted had died of pancreatic cancer six months earlier. No wonder she was gasping for air.

Grief carries a powerful punch. It slams us emotionally and physically. Our immune system can be compromised. We get sick more often.

Perhaps you literally can’t catch your breath. Hyperventilation is a natural result of the anxiety that accompanies a large loss. Grief pounds your entire system and affects your whole person.

Chances are you’re surprised by how constant, hard, and deep your grief is. All of this honors your loved one and your relationship. Grieving is not for sissies. It takes serious courage.

Here’s an affirmation for today:

“My grief is deeper than I imagined, but I can meet it with courage today.”

 

Courage isn’t the absence of fear, but the willingness to feel the fear and not be controlled by it.

Grief can steal our oxygen. Take a moment. Breathe deeply.

You can be courageous, again today.

 

Want more? Grab your copy of Heartbroken: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse (Amazon Bestseller, USA Best Book Awards Finalist, National Indie Excellence Award Finalist) today.

When Loss Steals Our Dreams

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Kids dream. For them, anything is possible.

Then we grow up.

We take some hits. Life doesn’t go the way we planned. We lose – relationships, jobs, opportunities, and people.

The dreams morph over time. Then, well, they mostly disappear. And our broken hearts settle for what is.

 

When people die, some dreams do too

“My dreams are gone. Anything I thought I wanted to do disappeared. The goals are no more. It was all tied to him,” Renee said.

“I miss the future with him. It’s not there anymore,” she shared.

When Renee’s husband died, her future was turned upside down. Anything they had planned together was erased. Her dreams, hopes, and goals died with him.

 

Loss is like an earthquake

You know this if you’ve lost someone close: the earthquake hits, and then the aftershocks continue. Collateral damage starts to appear, and can continue to surface for months, even years later.

Then you’re faced with not only the pain, but massive rebuilding. The key is to not be in a hurry. This isn’t a sprint. As you focus on taking care of yourself and healing well, you’ll be able later to handle the challenges of remaking the future – one step at a time.

 

An affirmation for today:

“My dreams are shattered. I’ll focus on healing well, and retool the future when it’s time.”

Grieving and healing take great courage. You are braver than you realize.

 

Adapted from Heartbroken: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse (Amazon Bestseller, USA Best Book Awards Finalist, National Indie Excellence Book Award Finalist).

When We Long for What We Had

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When we experience something good, it seems to be human nature to try and duplicate it.

 

“Last time it was wonderful. I’m going to do it the same way again!”
“God answered my prayer when I prayed that way. I’ve found the secret. I’m going to pray like that every time!”
“It was awesome the last time we did that. So we’ve planned to do it again!”

We do the same thing. We expect the same wonderful result, only to discover that some blessings are so special they can’t be produced – no matter how hard we try.

And when we lose something wonderful (by which we usually mean someone wonderful), it can throw us in an emotional pit.

 

We Want What We Had

 We want what we had, but it’s gone.

“Bill and I understood each other. We could just look at each other and know. How am I ever going to find that again?” Sarah sighed, rolling her eyes.

Sarah’s communication with her spouse was special and unique. Over time, she got used to that marital mental telepathy – where you understand each other without having to say a word.

For example, you remember that look in your loved one’s eyes. That smile. The immediate and intimate understanding. You just knew.

 

We Need That Heart-Connection

Sometimes that emotional understanding is immediate and almost mysterious. Other times, it’s a skill years, perhaps decades in the making.

Intimate heart-connection is wonderful to have and awful to lose.

The people you’ve lost were each one-of-a-kind. What you had was unique and special. You may find such understanding again, but it will be different.

 

Here’s a related grief affirmation:

“We were so good, I want that again. But I know it will be different.”

 

We miss what was good. The love we experience in relationships is unique to that relationship. No other love will be exactly like it.

But there is still good out there for you. It may not be in the same form and may not come in the same way. It will be its own unique blessing.

 

Keep Your Eyes Open

Appreciate the goodness of the past. You won’t be able to duplicate it. But keep your eyes open for good coming down the road ahead.

You will see it when you’re ready.

There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. – Proverbs 23:18

 

Adapted from Heartbroken: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse (Amazon Bestseller, USA Best Book Awards Finalist, National Indie Excellence Book Award Finalist)

Five Reasons Why Loss is so HARD

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Loss is hard.

One of my best friends died at age 12 and left me in a fog. My dad’s death when I was 15 shattered my world. Every loss since has been difficult and sometimes traumatic. I felt punched in the gut or like I had been hit by a train.

Even if death was expected, it hits with the force of a tsunami.

Here are five reasons why death stuns us:

 

First, this life is all we’ve known.

We’ve spent all our lives on this planet, breathing this air and walking this earth. With death and things beyond, we’re in uncharted territory.

Faith can make a massive difference. Some have great peace about what’s next and a level of certainty about what’s beyond this life. Even then, death means separation from those we loved, even if it’s temporary. And that hurts.

 

Second, death is hard because of our culture.

Researchers of thanatology (the study of death) classify cultures as death-accepting, death-defying, or death-denying. Currently, the majority of North America falls into the death-denying category. We don’t think about it. We pretend it doesn’t exist. We don’t accept it. We see death as an intrusion – the destroyer of hopes, dreams, and relationships.

In other words, our cultural mindset doesn’t exactly prepare us for the realities of what we face when someone dies.

 

Third, death is hard because of the relational separation.

We’re created for relationship. Our lives are about people – our families, friends, and those we’ve known and related to over the years. This is our history.

Being torn away from those we love is a scary proposition. It’s traumatic, heartbreaking, and lonely.

 

Fourth, death is hard because it’s emotionally complicated.

Our emotions are all over the place:

We’re shocked. Our hearts scream, “This can’t be real!”
We feel sad, maybe lost.
Loneliness and heartache plague us.
We get angry at our loved one for leaving, at God for taking them from us, or at anyone we see as contributing to their death.
Our anxiety goes up.
Depression knocks.

It’s not business as usual. Our insides are being torn apart. It hurts.

 

Fifth, death is hard because of the guilt factor.

Death brings a bag of accusations and dumps them on us:

“If you had only…”
“You shouldn’t have…”
“Why didn’t you…?”

Guilt is a relentless monster, and not to be toyed with. It can suck our soul dry. It benefits no one, and keeps us stuck.

 

What can we do?

We can being by accepting the truth. Loss is hard. It’s supposed to be.
We can be nice to and patient with ourselves. We need that, more than ever.
We can find a way to forgive ourselves and send guilt packing. We must do this – for our own sake and for those we love.
We can cherish memories and tell our loved one’s stories. They live on, in and through us.
We can honor our loved ones on holidays and at special times.
While we’re missing the presence of our loved one, we can also bless those around us with our presence.

Why is death so hard? Love, that’s why.

I’m glad we had the privilege of loving someone precious, aren’t you? And we love them still…

Shouldn’t You Be Over This By NOW?

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We’re all missing someone.

Michelle sat across the table from me, turning her chicken salad over and over with her fork.

“I should be over this by now,” she sighed.

Michelle’s mother had passed away four months earlier. They had seen each other almost every day for a decade. They talked about everything. Her mom’s death left a gaping hole in Michelle’s life and heart.

“She’s always been there. Until she passed, you had never lived a day without her,” I said. “Michelle, you’re not going to get over this.”

Michelle looked up from her plate and stared at me. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came. Her face began to crumple, and the tears began to fall.

When we lose someone (to death, divorce, moves, mental or physical illness, or relational distance) it’s impossible to get over them. That would be like saying they didn’t matter and their lives were of no real importance.

 

My Friend Bill

About 15 years ago, I got a call from my friend Bill. He was a college buddy and a groomsman in my wedding. We hadn’t seen each other for years, but we talked at least every couple of months. He was a master at staying in touch.

This phone call was different. “Gary, I’ve got leukemia, and it’s advanced. It doesn’t look good.”

I gripped the phone in silence. No words came.

“I know, man, I know,” Bill said. “That’s how I responded when they told me.”

Several months later, Bill was gone. He was barely 40. I still have a hard time believing it. I miss his voice, his sense of humor, and his encouragement. I sometimes close my eyes and try to remember his face.

Get over Bill? Nope. No way.

Relationships are the foundation of our lives. People matter so deeply.

 

People are Priceless

All of us are special. We are priceless beings of eternal value. When someone exits, they leave a hole. We can’t replace them. We can only grieve, and hopefully learn to appreciate them even more.

You never get over a person. You learn to adapt and adjust over time.


As you grieve well, the one you miss will naturally take his or her new place in your life.


If you look carefully, you’ll recognize them in your actions and hear their voice in your words.


Grief will become mixed with thanksgiving.


Slowly, the color will come back into life.

I learned so much from Bill, the most powerful thing being selfless service. Bill loved people and gave his life to those around him, especially those in need. I can honor him by living his legacy as part of my mission.

 

Grieve Well, Lean Forward, and Grow

How do we do this? Here are five suggestions:

1.   Appreciate what’s been lost.

2.   Feel the emotions involved (sadness, anger, confusion, relief, frustration, fear, anxiety, depression, etc.).

3.   Don’t go internal or isolate. Stay connected to people.

4.   Share the stories and memories.

5.   Don’t get in a hurry. Take your time.

Moving through the fog of loss is not a random, wandering journey (though it may feel that way).

Our hearts are seeking a new equilibrium. Recovery takes time. Lots of time.

Let the one you miss sink deeply into your life and heart. Honor them in the way you live. Let the memory of your time together bring smiles as well as tears.

Who are you missing today?

When Life Changes in an Instant

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Sudden loss is shocking. Like a missile out of the blue, it can devastate our world in an instant.

 

It happened so quickly

“It happened so quickly. One minute he seemed fine, and the next he was gone. It was all so sudden,” Connie said through her tears.

Matt had been mowing the lawn. He came inside, sat down in his recliner and feel asleep.

He never woke up.

Connie’s eyes said she was still in shock. She couldn’t wrap her mind around what had happened, much less her heart.

 

The unique challenges of sudden loss

Sudden death, loss, and trauma come with unique challenges.

You didn’t see it coming.
It took you by surprise.
There was no way you could prepare for it.
There was no final, “I love you.”
You didn’t get to say goodbye.

You feel unfinished. Stunned. Things were left unsaid and undone. You wonder “What if…” or “If only…”

Your heart is searching for solid rock in the midst of this free fall. What happened? Where did they go? How can this be? Why?

 

We want to say:

“You were just here. How could you be gone?”

 

Most of my losses have been sudden. Chances are, you’ve experienced an unexpected loss too. Be it sudden or anticipated, life is always gone in an instant. Trauma, abuse or other loss can obliterate our sense of security at a moment’s notice.

When life or security departs, the shock waves are immense.

There is no protection against this. When it hits, we are left to make sense of the rubble.

 

Be kind to yourself

You’ve been hit. Of course you’re stunned. Nothing is normal or routine right now.

Here are some things to remember:

Be kind to yourself.
Limit the expectations you place on yourself, or that others attempt to place on you.
Healing and recovery take time. Grief is a process that will not be hurried.
Look to your heart, and focus there. This is going to be a tough, unpredictable ride.
You will make it.

It is possible to provide security against other ills, but as far as death is concerned, we men live in a city without walls. – Epicurus

 

Adapted from Heartbroken: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse (Amazon Bestseller, Finalist USA Best Book Awards, Finalist National Indie Excellence Book Award)

The paperback of Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving is out!

 

We all grieve. We need each other, badly.

That’s why I wrote Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving: How to Care For and Support the Grieving Heart. I hoped and prayed that together we could get this book into the hands of those who needed it.

So far, the results have been stunning.

The Kindle version of Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving is now a #1 Bestseller in 3 categories. It’s also #1 in Hot New Releases in all 4 of its categories.

All this is due to you and your support. Thank you.

Today the paperback version was released, and the introductory price is less than an average Frappachino or movie ticket. Click here for more info.

We’re trying to keep the price of both versions (Kindle and paperback) as low as possible as long as possible to reach as many as possible.

Please help us get the word out:

Share the paperback release on Facebook . Send it to all your friends, or tag some, or send as private message to a few select people.
Tweet it!
Write a review of the book on Amazon. These reviews make a huge difference!

Loss is tough. It can crush hearts and rattle souls. It’s time we took the grieving heart seriously.

That’s what this book is about. Let’s make it count.

P.S. If you have ideas for how we can let more people know about this resource, please let us know. Use the contact Gary box at the bottom of this webpage and shoot me an email. Thank you!

Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving has been released!

 

So many are hurting. We want to help.

The electronic version of Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving has been released! And even better, it’s FREE for the next two days (April 1-2)!

This is our gift to you – and to anyone you choose to share it with!

CLICK HERE to download your FREE copy.

 

Here’s what people are saying:

“After my wife died, I wish I’d had copies of this book to pass on to my friends. They meant well; that didn’t make them helpful. Thanks, Gary, for this easy-to-read book.” —Cecil Murphey, New York Times bestselling author of more than 130 books, including Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story and 90 Minutes in Heaven.

“This book gives immense hope to the grieving heart and those who want to help. The author’s simple, straightforward, and practical approach is refreshing and healing. I recommend it highly.” – Paul Casale, Licensed Professional Counselor/Marriage & Family Therapist

“Another masterpiece for the bereavement library. A must read for those who authentically want to assist and support those around us who are grieving.”  –Dr. Craig Borchardt, President/CEO Hospice Brazos Valley

“Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving succinctly explains the grieving heart’s thoughts and needs. Thanks for this ‘how to’ Gary!” – Carrie Andree, Licensed Professional Counselor

 

Make sure you download the free Kindle version of the new book ASAP, because it is only free on Amazon for 2 days (April 1-2)!

If you don’t have a Kindle, no problem. Download one of Amazon’s free Kindle e-readers.

If you want a paperback version, no worries! It should be released sometime next week.

I hope you find it comforting, encouraging, and full of hope.

Blessings,

Gary

 

P.S. Help us get the word out and SHARE this limited time 2 day deal with your Facebook friends! Thanks again for your support of Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving.

PLEASE BE PATIENT, I’M GRIEVING is Coming April 1!

People out there are hurting. People like us.

Grieving people need to feel heard and understood. Sadly, most seem to feel misunderstood, judged, belittled, and even rejected.

It doesn’t have to be this way. It’s time we took the grieving heart seriously.

That’s why I wrote Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving: How to Care for and Support the Grieving Heart.

For months, hurting people have been asking me to write a resource for those close to them: “Please! Help them understand me. And while you’re at it, help me understand myself too!”

So here it is. It’s coming out April 1.

And you have an opportunity to read the book for FREE as soon as it comes out.

All I ask in return is that you consider doing these two things (no obligation!):

Share this opportunity to read the book for FREE with others (I’ll show you how)
Leave a short 1-2 sentence review on Amazon after reading it.

That’s it.

Interested? Click here and sign-up to read the book for FREE, and I’ll tell you how to share this opportunity and notify you when the book is live.

Some of you may be asking, “Why would you do this?” The answer is simple. I wrote this new book for you – for all of us. We want to help as many as possible, and we need your help.

Thanks for being a subscriber, and for your support!

Here’s to better supporting the grieving heart,

Gary

P.S. The book has been described as “straightforward, heartfelt, desperately needed, easy-to-read, and practical.” Take your heart seriously and grab this chance to read it for FREE on April 1.

4 Steps for Surviving Valentine’s Day

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Valentine’s Day can be hard, especially if you’ve lost someone.

I used to think the whole Valentine’s affair was silly. Candy, chocolates, cards, and flowers. Growing up, I saw a lot of show, but little substance.

Now, I see the day differently. “Be my Valentine” has a new meaning.

 

“Be My Valentine”

There’s a lot encompassed in those three words:

You are loved.
You are wanted.
You matter to me.
You are special.
I’m thinking of you.
I’m grateful for you.
You are not alone.

No wonder this phrase is powerful. We’re hot-wired to love and be loved. We’re relational creatures who thrive on meaningful and safe connection. When our relational needs are met, it trickles down into the rest of life. Our hearts are more settled and content. We worry and strive less. Peace and joy come with knowing we are loved.

That’s why grief hurts. We dared to love. When hearts have been joined, separation of any kind is painful. A person’s presence is so powerful that when someone is missing it leaves a tangible void. Their absence is palpable. It’s like a shortage of oxygen.

The loneliness can be smothering. It’s like trying to walk through waist-deep mud. Slow-going. Exhausting. It can feel impossible.

Let’s face it. Valentine’s is tough for those enduring loss. It should be.

So what can we do?

 

4 Steps to Help Survive the Day

Here are 4 tips to help make it through February 14:

 

Step 1: Meet the day head-on and make a plan.

Valentine’s Day will not be stopped. Sitting back and dreading its approach isn’t loving to ourselves or anyone else. What if we took the bull by the horns, and leaned into the Day instead?

Make a plan. What do you want to do? When? How? With whom?

As you make your plan, consider the triggers out there. Couples everywhere, holding hands, smiling, laughing, and having a good time. Romantic music and messages will fill the speakers and airwaves. How much can you handle? How much do you want to handle?

Make a plan. Keep it simple.

 

Step 2: Honor your loved one. 

As you make your plan, is there a way you can honor the loved one you lost? Write a letter. Buy a card. Release a balloon. Give a gift in his or her name. Honor a Valentine’s tradition he or she liked.

Some might not want to honor the person – especially if they left or you parted on less than good terms. That’s okay. Move on to Step 3.

 

Step 3: Be nice to you.

Whatever plan you come up with, please be nice to yourself. Your loved one would want that.

Again, what do you want to do?

If you’re angry at the one who left, consider doing yourself a favor by forgiving them. This could be your Valentine’s gift to yourself. If you can’t forgive now, put it on your radar screen for the future. You don’t need that extra emotional weight on top of everything else.

 

Step 4: Reach out to someone you appreciate

Use the Day. Reach out to someone you respect, appreciate, or admire. Valentine’s Day is about expressing love. Share some. You’ll encourage them, and it will help your hurting heart too.

 

Here we go…

February 14 will come and go. You can make it count. Take your heart seriously. Make a plan. Honor your loved one, if you can. Be nice to yourself. Reach out and encourage someone.

Breathe deeply. This too shall pass.

P.S. The HEARTBROKEN Valentine’s 2-for-1 Event is underway! Purchase one copy, and we’ll send you two. Get two, we’ll send four. You get the idea. No quantity limits, and free shipping on the free copies. This is great time to grab gifts for those you care about.

(Heartbroken: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse was a 2015 Amazon Top 10 Bestseller, USA Best Book Awards Finalist, and National Indie Excellence Book Awards Finalist)