Gary Roe's Blog, page 17

Happy New Year?

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Well, it’s 2016.

“Happy New Year!” they say.

Because of heavy losses, some of us might take exception to the happy part. We might hope it’s better than last, but we can’t quite imagine what happy would be yet.

Others of us are barely scraping by. We’re exhausted, and wondering where the energy for life is going to come from. Perhaps we’re numb, and unable to enter in to any kind of thinking about the future.

Some of us are cautiously peering ahead, wondering if there’s more loss waiting around the bend. We’ve been hit hard, and need time to heal.

What will this year be like? We don’t know. One thing is certain – it will be different than the last.

When I think about what I’m hoping for this year, several words come to mind.

 

Peace

I would like to experience more peace in my life.

My history of loss is heavy, and I still deal trauma as far back as childhood. Anxiety and fear used to be as natural as breathing for me.  I’ve learned over the decades that peace isn’t about circumstances, but rather about how secure my heart is. Peace in the midst of great storms is possible.

I want more of this kind of peace. More safety of the heart sounds wonderful.

 

Trust

I would like to let go more, and travel lighter.

For example, when I sense something amiss, I jump and try to fix it. I reach out and try to control things before they get out of hand. Sounds like I’m trying to protect myself, and those I love, from another loss.

This is kind of hyper-vigilant, try-to-be-in-control kind of living destroy the peace I long to experience. Ugh.

Do what I can. Live more in the present moment. Let go of more. Release things more quickly. Trust. 

For me, trust seems to lead to peace, and peace in turn facilitates more trust.

What do you want for your heart this year? What does your heart need the most?

Take this seriously, my friend.

You’re not alone. You’re not crazy. Together, we can make it.

 

P.S. Two quick news items:

Heartbroken Valentine’s Day campaign – Valentine’s Day is coming, and it’s not fun for everyone – especially those who’ve lost spouses. From mid-January until Valentine’s Day, we’ll be sharing the Heartbroken video on social media and offering a BOGO event (buy one, get one free) on this award-winning bestseller. You can help us spread the word by sharing upcoming social media posts and emails.
New e-book – The Hole in My Heart is a free e-book we’ll be offering beginning in mid-February. This easy-to-read volume is designed to connect with hurting hearts by addressing some of the powerful question grief stirs within us. We’ll keep you posted!

How to Navigate the EMOTIONAL MINEFIELD of Christmas

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Christmas is wonderful. It can also be tough.

The air is filled with tinkling bells, holiday music, and seasonal fragrances. People are everywhere, holding hands, smiling, getting into the “Christmas spirit.” The world around us commands us to be happy and celebrate.

But what if we’ve lost someone? What if some tragedy has occurred? What if our hearts are broken?

When we’re missing someone, we tend to bump into them everywhere. Especially during the holidays.

Yes, Christmas can be tough.

 

“I Miss Everything!”

“What do I miss?” Stacey asked. “Everything! Everything reminds me of Craig.”

“It doesn’t matter where I go or what I do, he’s gone. On top of that, he loved Christmas. I see him everywhere this time of year. Grief hits me in the face over and over and over again,” she continued.

Reminders are everywhere. Decorations, holiday traditions, songs, places, fragrances, people – the list goes on and on. Anything can trigger a memory, especially around Christmas.

Wounds of the past can become the pain of the present in an instant.

 

Christmas: an emotional minefield

You’re walking through an emotional minefield every moment, not knowing where the next grief hit is going to come from. To say this is challenging is a gross understatement.

Holiday grief can be incredibly exhausting. But it also shouts how special your loved one was and is to you. She or he is everywhere. Of course. You loved them (and love them still!).

Walk carefully. Breathe deeply. One mine at a time.

 

Watch those expectations

Be sure to watch out for the minefield of unspoken expectations.

We all have expectations – of ourselves, of others, of the world, and of the holidays. They can be incredibly sneaky, and even add to our grief. Unmasking and identifying them is huge.

I’m not much on list-making, but I’ve found that writing down expectations can be incredibly freeing.

So grab your phone, laptop, or a sheet of paper and give it a try.

How do I anticipate these holidays will go?
What do I expect of myself in the next two weeks?
What do I expect of my family during this season?
What do I expect of others around me?

Be as thorough and as specific as you can.

 

What’s realistic and healthy for YOU these holidays?

Now, go back over your list of expectations and ask yourself these questions:

Is this expectation realistic and healthy for me given what I’m going through? (If not, mark through it and release yourself!)
Is what I’m expecting of others realistic and healthy given the current situation? Do they know I’m expecting this of them? (If not, mark through that one and release yourself!)
Do I WANT to do that? Do I WANT to do that with THEM?
What do I WANT to do, how, when, and with whom?

If you’re dealing with a loss, it’s like you’ve been hit by a truck. People hit by trucks don’t just jump up, smile, and carry on as usual simply because it’s Christmas.

So much of healthy grieving (and living) is about taking care of you. This honors your loved one, too. And ultimately taking care of you expresses love for all those you care about, for it trickles down to them too.

When you’re as healthy as you can be, everyone wins.

 

You can do this.

The holiday grief minefield is real. It’s tough, and unpredictable. But you can navigate it well.

Be nice to yourself.
Take care of you.
Let the memories come (you won’t be able to stop them anyway!).
Include your loved one in the holidays and honor them with your grief.
Be aware of those sneaky expectations. Unmask them. Evaluate them.
You get to choose what you do, how, when, and with whom.

Here’s a grief affirmation:

“Everything seems to remind me of you. I’ll learn to treasure each memory.”

Yes, reminders are everywhere. This can be difficult, but as you grieve you’ll find yourself treasuring the memories more and more.

This Christmas might be really different, but it can still be good.

 

Adapted from the Bestseller Heartbroken: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse (USA Best Book Awards Finalist, National Indie Excellence Award Finalist).

4 Tips for Handling Holiday Loneliness

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Recently, I sent out a one-question survey asking people what they struggled with most in the grief process.

Out of over 400 responses, the most common answer was loneliness.

Holidays can make this even worse. This time of year surfaces our losses and throws them in our faces. We bump into a memory with every decoration, song, or tradition.

Holidays and loneliness don’t mix well.

 

Here’s the truth…

I could tell you that you’re not alone. That’s true, but if your heart is broken, you’re focused on who’s not here, not who is.

Here’s the truth. Grief is a lonely process. When hearts break, we feel the cracking. Someone has exited, and the void created is stunning. We miss everything – their presence, face, voice, smell, touch, laughter – the list goes on and on. The intensity of the loneliness can smother us.

We feel it. And feeling it, at least to some degree, is healthy, because the loneliness is real.

On the other hand, none of us can feel the full weight of grief’s onslaught. It would be more than crushing. Our sturdy yet fragile hearts can only handle so much. We need relief from time to time.

So somehow, we must feel the loneliness, yet live on. Somewhere in the midst of the rubble, there is a balance each of us must search for – feeling the pain, and yet engaging in the world we’re still part of.

How do we do this?

 

No foolproof rules, just 4 helpful tips.

There are no foolproof steps or rules to handling holiday loneliness. But I do believe there are some helpful guidelines.

 

Take your heart seriously.

Your heart is your most prized possession. It’s the guts of who you are. As wise King Solomon said, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the spring from which everything else in your life flows.”

What does your heart most need? More time alone? More time with others? Who do you need time with? Who is most helpful to you now?

What do you want to do? How? When? With whom?

Do you need more or less activity? Are you hydrating, eating well, and exercising (this is huge, because grief is a form of stress that suppresses the immune system and greatly affects our bodies)?

Do you need to downgrade your expectations of yourself, others, or the holidays in general?

Take a deep breath. Get off auto-pilot. Look to your heart. You’ll be glad you did.

 

Make a plan to honor your loved one.

Your heart needs this. Your loved one deserves it too. How will you honor him or her this holiday?

A familiar tradition continued in their honor?
An empty chair and / or a place set at the table?
A loving letter?
A time of sharing with family?
A stocking, stuffed with cards written and prepared by family?
A present under the tree that can be passed around, with each person sharing what they miss about them?
A charitable donation in their name?

Be creative. Make a plan, even a very simple one, to include and honor them.

And speak their name often. Your heart longs to say it. There is a sweetness, even if painful, to the names of those we love.

 

Express your love by grieving well.

The grief is always with us, in us. Let out what you can, when you can.

Write a note, card, letter.
Journal.
Talk out loud.
Light a candle.
Go to a remembrance service.
Scream.
Cry.
Punch a pillow, or a paper bag.
Throw some eggs.

Grief is part of love. It will be expressed, one way or another.

 

Consider serving.

We’re not alone in our suffering. Plenty of others are hurting. Perhaps we can serve some of them.

There’s something about reaching out and serving others when we’re hurting that brings a little healing to our hearts. It gives us perspective, and pulls us out of our pain for a little while. Service, and seeing the gratitude of others, can be salve to our wounds.

 

Lonely is not who we are

Lonely does not mean alone. And it surely doesn’t mean meaningless or hopeless. Far from it.

Lonely means lonely. We miss someone, and we feel it. Depending on the loss, it can color everything. Nothing may be the same.

Feel it, but decide how much you can take. Take your heart seriously. Include and honor your loved one these holidays. Express your love for them by grieving well. Reach out from the pain, use the grief, and serve. 

And breathe deeply all the way through. We’re in this together. Now is not forever.

Lonely is what we feel, but it is not who we are. 

P.S. If you find yourself needing more help for the holidays, check out my recent post Six Steps for Managing the Holidays While Hurting, or take grab my free series of 4 short videos on Beating Holiday Grief. You are not alone.

When GRIEF Meets THANKSGIVING, Who Will Win?

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Grief is about to meet Thanksgiving. Which one will win?

We think of these two as enemies. What if they could actually be friends?

Holidays surface our losses. We’re assaulted by memories. Good times. Not so good times. But most of all, we wish for more time – with those who are no longer here.

How do we handle this?

 

First, know that it’s okay to hurt. 

Loss hits the heart, hard. We’re crushed, perhaps shattered. Perhaps we’ve never known a Thanksgiving without them.

It hurts. It’s supposed to.

 

Second, speak their name, often.

Many are hesitant to mention their loved one for fear of setting off a chain reaction of grief. Who wants to be the wet blanket, the bringer of doom-and-gloom?

But the grief is already there. It’s inside us, waiting to be released. Holding it in doesn’t work. Pretending everything is normal is, well, a lie.

Your loved one is the proverbial elephant in the room. If you don’t include them in the holiday, they will burst forth into it anyway.

Go ahead. Speak their name. Often. Share the memories and stories. Honor them, and do yourself and everyone else a favor.

 

Third, make a plan.

Be proactive. Take matters into your own hands. Make a plan to honor your loved one(s) this Thanksgiving.

What about…

An empty chair at the table?
A time of sharing memories?
A balloon release (where everyone writes a message on a balloon and then releases them together)?
Have everyone bring a card or short note written to the loved one, then read them at a set time during the holiday?

Be creative. Do what makes the most sense to you.

Whatever you decide, I recommend you put this time at the front of your holiday. Everyone is already hyper-aware of who’s missing, so you might as well escort the elephant out into the open quickly.

Confront the dread. Make a simple plan. You’re honoring your loved one and giving everyone a chance to grieve in a healthy way.

Yes, this hurts. That’s okay. Speak his or her name often. Make a plan to honor them. Your heart will thank you later.

 

A Word about Black Friday and Cyber Monday

The shopping frenzy is upon us. In the midst of this craziness, at GR Healing Resources we’ve wondered how to get helpful resources into the hands of those who need them this holiday season. To be honest, we were concerned about offering any kind of sale for fear of being misunderstood – that we were somehow trying to profit from others’ pain.

Then we thought, “Which do we want to act upon: fear of what some might think, or love and concern for those who are hurting and could be helped?”

As you might guess – the latter won.

 

The Give a Gift of Healing Event

As a result, from Black Friday to Cyber Monday (Nov. 27-30), we’re having a Give a Gift of Healing Event where all our grief resources will be half-off. Our goal is to get these books to as many hurting people in the most affordable way possible.

Can you help? Who do you know out there who’s hurting?

Together, we can make a huge difference.  Log on to our GR Healing Resources store anytime Friday Nov. 26 until midnight Monday, Nov. 30 and help us reach people this holiday season. And please pass along this info to anyone you think might benefit.

I’m so glad we’re in this together. Thank you for being a part of this community of healing.

Six Steps for Managing the Holidays while Hurting

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Wow. It’s November.

The holidays are upon us. And for those of us who are hurting, this time of year can pack a real punch.

 

Why are holidays so hard?

Holidays are difficult because they automatically surface our losses.

We’re hyper-aware of who’s missing.
Triggers are everywhere.
Memories flood in.
Emotions surge forth and hijack us.

Yep, the holidays are an emotional and mental minefield.

 

What can we do?

What if we could locate some of those mines beforehand, and diffuse them?

Is that possible? Personally, I think so. Especially with some of the more powerful mines scattered ahead of you – the mines of expectations.

Expectations. I have them. You have them. Other people have them.

We have expectations of ourselves, of others, and of the holidays themselves. These expectations are often based on past holidays, mixed with how we’re expecting things to go this year based on all that’s happened.

How we manage these expectations will determine a lot about the next two months.

 

The trouble with expectations

Expectations are sneaky. They’re often unconscious and unspoken. We don’t bother to stop and identify them, so they fly under the radar. But we’re acting on them, all the time. And because expectations are unexpressed and unevaluated, we get hit repeatedly with disappointment, anger, and a feeling of powerlessness.

Yuck.

What do we need to do?:

Identify our expectations.
Evaluate them.
Manage them and make a plan.

 

Six steps for managing holiday expectations

So, here we go. Play along with me here.

Grab some paper (or laptop or memo app on your smart phone). Title the page “Holiday Expectations.”
Start with you. What are your expectations of yourself in the next two months? Be as specific and as thorough as you can.
Move to other people. What are your expectations of those around you this season? Again, be specific.
Go to the holidays themselves. What do you anticipate these holidays will be like? 
Consider where you are at present (your current energy level, health, emotions, and where you sense you are in your healing or grief process). How much of this list is honestly realistic? Mark out the unrealistic stuff. Be ruthless.
Now, move to the next blank page and start making a simple holiday plan based on the following:


What do you want to do?
How do you want to do these things?
When do you want to do each of them?
With whom do you want to do this? 

Again, be realistic. If you’re in heavy grief, it’s wise to downgrade your expectations of yourself – and of others, for that matter. Healing and grief take an astounding amount of energy. That means you have less to work with, and that’s okay.

I know. This process sounds like a pain. It too takes energy. But I firmly believe if we don’t make a conscious plan for using the holidays to heal and grieve well, the holidays will use us – and it won’t be pretty.

 

The one expectation you should have

There is one expectation you can put at the top of this list, because it’s true:

“These holidays will be different.”

Your world and life have changed forever. So have your holidays. They will never be the same again. But that doesn’t mean they can’t be good.

You can use this season to do what’s best for you, honor your loved one, and still love the other people around you. It begins with identifying and managing expectations. 

Breathe deeply. You’re not alone. You’re not crazy. You will get through this.

 

P.S. For more help navigating the holidays, check out Surviving the Holidays Without You. You can watch the video here.

Oh No. The Holidays are Coming.

Uh oh. It’s the end of October.

November is around the corner.

Here come the holidays.

 

Holidays can be tough

Holidays surface our losses and wave them in front of our faces. Days we once celebrated can become times we dread.

When special days arrive, we’re extremely aware of who’s missing.

Our hearts know this, even before our heads can make sense of it. Somewhere deep down inside, we feel the approach of these special times. It’s as if the grief in us is looking for a way out.

Maybe it is.

 

Holidays provide a special opportunity

Holidays provide us with a unique opportunity to:

Be proactive and make plans that work for us and help us grieve well.
Honor our loved ones and include them in these special days.
Love those around us by helping them grieve too.

It’s almost time for our annual Holiday Grief Campaign. Our goal is to reach and help as many hurting people are possible during this holiday season.

And we need your help.

 

What’s happening for this year’s Holiday Grief Campaign?

This year, we’re going to be offering the following:

The Handling Holiday Grief video series

This free four-part video series is designed to comfort and encourage, as well as giving some practical ideas and steps for the season. The videos are brief, ranging from 3-5 minutes. We’ll keep you posted.

I Miss You: A Holiday Grief Survival Kit

This free, brief e-book is designed to validate those crazy grief emotions and give a few practical pointers for surviving the season.

Holidays Book Specials

We’ll be offering a number of specials and sales during the holiday season on Surviving the Holidays Without You, Heartbroken, and Saying Goodbye. This will be a great time to stock up on these resources and grab some for gifts.

 

We need your help

Stay tuned. We need you to help us spread the word. So many are hurting, and this time of year can be terribly difficult.

I’ll give you more info and some practical ways you can help soon.

Perhaps together, we can bring some comfort, encouragement, and healing.

Here’s to making these holidays all they can be. 

OVERWHELM – When Little Things Become Gigantic

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There are times in life when everything seems gigantic.

For example, we’re vulnerable when in the midst of:

Conflict
Stress
Tragedy
Abuse
Loss
Death
Grief
The unknown

These are just a few of things that can grip and squeeze us with seemingly merciless power. Our normal elasticity isn’t there, and we tend to react rather than respond.

 

When someone exits, everything seems big

“Everything that happens is big now. Every little issue is magnified, because I’m by myself,” Tiffany shared, wringing the napkin in her hand.

“I get sad and mad at the same time. Why am I having to do his job?”

Tiffany’s husband Rick died suddenly in an auto accident. Once the shock began to wear off, she got hit with a new reality.

There were two of them. Now it was just Tiffany. That meant everything fell on her.

 

Life just keeps coming

The world keeps on spinning, deaf to our pain. More paperwork arrives. Bills come. People demand attention. The house is screaming for attention. There’s work to do. Your to-do list is a mile long.

This can be overwhelming.

You wonder how you’re going to do it all.
It seems so unfair.
You’re already exhausted.
Grief is draining.
Can’t you just mourn in peace?

Even the smallest issues now feel gigantic. And they just keep coming.

How are you going to do this?

Take a moment.
Get quiet.
Breathe deeply.
One thing at a time.

Now, what’s most important?

Start with that.

 

An affirmation for today

Say this with me, and say it out loud:

“Even little things seem huge in times like this. It’s not me. It’s grief. One thing at a time.”

Grief can make the smallest issues seem gigantic. That makes sense. Nothing is “normal” now.

 

Adapted from Heartbroken: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse (Amazon Bestseller, National Indie Excellence Book Award Finalist)

Why LONELINESS Hurts (And What You Can Do About It)

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Loneliness is awful.

I’ve felt alone many times. At times, loneliness seemed to take over my life. I still feel alone more than I admit, even though I’m constantly surrounded by people.

 

Alone Together

Recently, I ran across a book titled Alone Together. Those two words resonated with me. We say we’re connected because we have more access to one another – email, social media, smart phones, etc. But our technology skims the surface. Attention spans are shrinking. Things seem less safe and secure, causing us to be more private and withdrawn. Things are more global, but less personal.

Then there are the hits – the emotional bullets of life:

Conflicts
Break-ups
Estrangements
Mental and physical illness
Financial trouble
Accidents and disasters
Deaths

Our lives are in constant flux. All this can leave us stunned and gasping for breath. Feeling alone together has become the norm.

 

Why Loneliness Hurts

Loneliness hurts. Here’s why:

We were created for relationship and made for connection.
Our hearts long to see and be seen, to hear and be heard, to understand and be understood.
We hunger to love and be loved.
Our joys and regrets are relational (they are connected to other people somehow).

No wonder loneliness hurts. It’s the opposite of what we’re wired for.

 

FOUR TRUTHS THAT CAN HELP

There is no magic pill for loneliness. But here are four truths that can help:

 

1.   It’s okay to feel alone.

I tried to ignore loneliness. I gritted my teeth and said, “I will not feel alone. I will not feel alone. I will not feel alone.”

A lot of good that did me.

Feeling alone is part of being human. It comes and goes for all of us. The problem is when loneliness unpacks its bags and takes up residence in our hearts.

Sometimes accepting our feelings is the first step beyond them.

 

2.   Feelings are just emotions. They aren’t necessarily reality.

Our world glorifies feelings. Our emotions seem to run the show. As a counselor friend of mine says, “Mood is king.”

We’re constantly looking to feel good, and if we don’t, we think something’s wrong. And when we’re in pain, we’ll do almost anything to feel better (which can be dangerous!).

Feelings are momentary. Living based on emotion is like chasing after the wind.

 

3.   You’re not alone in feeling lonely.

Almost everyone experiences loneliness on some level. Your emotions are your own, but someone around you is dealing with something similar right now.

The valley of loneliness is more populated than we realize.

 

4.   Being with safe people can make a huge difference.

What’s a safe person?

They take your heart seriously.
They accept you (with all your stuff) as you are.
They don’t try to fix you.
They are willing to walk with you in your valley.

Many safe people have battled loneliness, and won. That doesn’t mean they never feel lonely, but they no longer allow emotion to rule their lives.

This is what we thirst for – real people who see us, and stay. Spending time with safe people brings healing.

 

There’s Hope for Us Lonely Folks

Loneliness is part of living in this often harsh, competitive, and disconnected world. It’s all around us, everywhere. The book title was right. We are alone together.

But there is great hope. In this frenetic and fast-paced age, hearts can still connect. Soul wounds can still be treated, and healed. We might all walk with a limp, but we can still walk together.

Lonely? Perhaps.

Alone? Far from it.

Three Things That Saved My Son’s Life

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Our 12-year-old son Aaron was recently in the hospital for two weeks battling some very stubborn infections. Today, I’m happy to report that Aaron has been home for over a week and is recovering nicely.

Now that the danger is over, we’re extremely relieved. But things could have gone differently. If certain things had not transpired the way they did, Aaron might not be here.

Three specific things helped save my son’s life. They can save our lives as well.

 

1.   ENOUGH OF THE BAD STUFF GOT OUT

Aaron didn’t bounce back from his appendectomy the way we anticipated. Turned out, he was bleeding internally. The result was severe anemia and pockets of infection spread throughout his abdomen.

Interestingly, the offending bacteria didn’t come from the outside. It was in Aaron’s body all the time. When presented with the right set of circumstances, it exploded and became a raging, potentially deadly infection.

They drew out as much infection as they could, and placed two drains to keep the process moving. Simply put, they were trying to get enough of the bad stuff out.

We all have bad stuff lurking inside: ugly habits, terrible thoughts, unresolved grief or anger, nasty regrets, etc. Given the right set of conditions – a trauma, betrayal, rejection, or loss – our emotional bacteria within can surge up and spill out all over the place. If not dealt with, it can consume our lives and relationships.

Like Aaron, to heal, we have to get enough bad stuff out. 

 

2.   ENOUGH GOOD STUFF GOT IN

In addition to getting enough bad staff out, Aaron needed to get the right stuff in.

They gave him fluids. He got blood to stabilize the anemia. Once the offending bacteria were identified, they pumped him with targeted IV antibiotics. Fever reducers and pain meds also played a role.

Getting enough bad stuff out and good stuff in proved to be the effective 1-2 punch that put Aaron’s infection on the run.

To keep our bad stuff at bay, we need lots of good stuff coming in:

Affirmation
Encouragement
Positive challenges
Rest
Intellectual stimulation
Spiritual nourishment
Quiet
Time with inspiring people of character and integrity.

Our wounded hearts need a balance of these things. Like Aaron, getting quality, good stuff in greatly aids our healing over time. 

 

3.   A GOOD TEAM JOINED IN THE BATTLE

Without the right people involved, Aaron wouldn’t be here. Doctors, nurses, aides, lab techs, pharmacists, nutritionists, food service workers, housekeeping staff, church folks bringing meals, friends helping our other kids get where they needed to be, and a huge group (including you) who were concerned and praying.

It was an awesome team. Not perfect or mistake-free, but it was the right team for Aaron.

Without a team around us in our battles, sooner or later we’ll drop from exhaustion, and the danger of the succumbing goes way up. We need each other badly.

Who’s on my team?

Safe family members
Trusted friends
Helpful mentors
Close co-workers
Medical professionals
Counselors
Pastors / spiritual mentors
People experienced in what I need at the moment

These folks play various roles at different times. They help keep me grounded and sane. They’re in the battle with me.

Our battles can be intense. Like Aaron, we need a diverse team around us to recover, heal, and grow. 

 

WHEN OUR HEARTS ARE VULNERABLE

When our hearts are vulnerable or in danger…

Watch the ugly stuff inside. It doesn’t have to rule the day.
Intentionally seek positive inflow. What the heart consumes matters.
Involve others in the battle. Growth and healing don’t happen in a vacuum.

Life can be scary, and painful. I know you’ve been hit, and hit again. Perhaps you’re holding your breath, waiting for the next blow.

Take heart. You’re not alone. There is hope. Healing is possible.

What I’m Learning Through My Son’s Illness

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Life is full of upsets.

One dictionary defines “upset” as “an unexpected, worrisome occurrence.” Another definition reads, “the state of being turned upside down or over.”

I’m in the middle of an upset. Perhaps you are too.

 

Uh oh…

At the beginning of this month, our 12-year-old son Aaron went in for an appendectomy. Everything went well. Until a few days later.

He spiked a fever that wouldn’t go away. We got antibiotics. Things got better for a few days. Suddenly his temp skyrocketed, and we found ourselves back in the ER.

I’m sitting beside Aaron’s bed now, glancing over my laptop up to watch him mess with a Rubik’s Cube. We’re on Day 12 of our hospital stay.

Apparently, Aaron bled internally sometime after surgery. The roaming blood in his body cavity acted like a Petri dish for bacteria, and those bad boys seized the opportunity to multiply exponentially, forming pockets of infection all over his abdomen.

He’s on targeted antibiotics. He’s had two big pockets drained. Blood work indicates he’s stable and things are improving. The next 24 hours are important. Either he continues to get better or we’re headed for major surgery to clean out the abscesses spread across the inside of his little torso.

Yes, I think this qualifies as an “upset.” It’s been tough, and more than a little scary.

Life can furnish some pretty big upsets: an illness, a job loss, a relational break-up, a death. These things upend our worlds.

 

4 ways this upset is affecting us:

1.  Aaron’s illness initiated what I call “the wonderings.”

I wondered what was going to happen.
I wondered if everything was going to be okay.
I wondered multiple times if we were on the right track and doing the right thing.
I wondered what we missed along the way that might have prevented all this.

“Wonderings” are part of processing things well, but we’re not meant to stay there long. Ultimately, we don’t know. Our wonderings are mostly conjecture and speculation. Eventually, we have to deal with what is, and make the best decisions we can based on the info we have.

 

2.  Aaron’s illness has changed things.

There is no longer any routine, as our family knew it. Every night we make a new plan about how to handle the next day and get the other 5 of us where we need to be and when, all the while making sure someone is with Aaron.

Some upsets change some things. Other upsets change everything.
Upsets have collateral damage. They affect everyone connected with that person. Relationships change too.

Things aren’t the same. They can’t be.

 

3.  Aaron’s illness has forced us to adapt.

By necessity, we’re doing life differently now. I’m sure there will also be some permanent changes as a result of this. We’re not out of the woods yet, so who knows?

The longer the upset continues, the more we have to adjust and adapt.
The more we have to adjust, the more fatigued we become. Chronic adaptation is exhausting.
Normal has disappeared. If the upset is severe enough, we can even lose sense of who we are.

Adapting takes energy – sometimes a LOT of it.

 

4.  Aaron’s illness has challenged us to trust.

I can’t make my son better. Watching him suffer or waiting for results isn’t my idea of a good time. But I can still love him. And I can do that by listening to and trusting those around me who know more than I do about what’s happening.

We’re not in control of very much. How we interpret and respond to what happens to and around us determines a lot.
We’re never fully alone. Someone has tackled this upset before, and many are battling it now. We’re in this together.

Control is an illusion. We were meant to find safe people we can trust.

 

Peace in the midst of the mess

How is this going to turn out? I don’t know. Hopefully the colors on our Rubik’s cube will line up soon.

I have peace that somehow all is well.

I hope Aaron senses that too.