Gary Roe's Blog, page 18

7 Reasons Why It’s Okay to Hurt

 

Loss is hard. IT HURTS.

We lose people, marriages, relationships, jobs, health, homes, financial solvency, and so on. Whatever the loss, we grieve.

Why does grief hurt so much? Check out the video above.

In this 5 minute video, I share 7 reasons why it’s okay, or should be okay, to hurt. If you don’t have 5 minutes, here’s a summary:

Grief hurts because it is personal. Every person and every relationship is unique.
Grief hurts because it upends your world. Your life has stopped, while the world seems to go on unaffected.
Grief hurts because it’s confusing. Emotions hijack you. Questions surface. How did this happen? Why? What now?
Grief hurts because it changes you. You’re not the same. Life isn’t the same. Your relationships aren’t the same either.
Grief hurts because others don’t understand. It can be a painful, lonely road.
Grief hurts because it hits the heart. It can crush and shatter it.
Grief hurts, because love is real. Because we love, we grieve.

I’m passionate about helping us heal and grow in the midst of loss and great challenges. In order to keep doing that, and do it better, I need your help.

Could you answer one question for me? Yes, just one. A one question survey about your own grief experience.

Your answer will help me produce more books, courses, and resources designed to help us grieve well, heal, recover, and grow.

Click here to get started. I really appreciate it.

Loss hurts. We’re in this together, and we need each other badly.

Thank you! HEARTBROKEN is a National Book Award Finalist

Well, I’m flabbergasted (I’ve always loved that word!).

HEARTBROKEN was recently recognized as a 2015 National Indie Excellence Book Award Finalist.

As I was writing HEARTBROKEN, I prayed for two things:

That God would use it to bring hope, comfort, and healing to those who have lost spouses
That He would get it into the hands of anyone who could benefit by it

When HEARTBROKEN was released in February,

I didn’t know what to expect. When it became an Amazon Top 10 Bestseller in Grief and Loss, I was honestly startled. Now, I’m deeply honored by this recognition by the National Indie Excellence Award committee.

 

What’s this award about?

This prestigious national award, based in Beverly Hills, is open to all English language books in print from small, medium, university, and independent publishers. Awarded since 2007, the National Indie Excellence® Awards competition is judged by independent experts from all aspects of the book industry, including publishers, writers, editors, book cover designers, and professional copywriters. Winners and finalists are determined based on overall excellence of presentation in addition to the writing.

Again, I’m stunned.

However, I’m even more encouraged and humbled by feedback from those who’ve read it. It seems God is answering my prayer. Widows, widowers, divorcees, and others are being comforted. Hurting people are healing and growing. Somehow, this book is giving people hope.

I’m so honored to be a part of it.

 

So here’s what we’re going to do.

I asked that God would get this book into the hands of anyone who could benefit from it. I believe there are still lots of hurting people out there we can help.

So I would like to ask a favor. Please stop and think for a moment. Whom do you know needs this book?

Let’s get it to them.

 

Let’s celebrate by giving some away hope and healing

From now until Sunday June 29, we’re celebrating HEARTBROKEN’s recognition as a National Indie Excellence Book Award Finalist with a BOGO sale (buy one, get another one free). Our goal is simple. Get this book to as many hurting people as possible.

Here are two options:

Purchase one HEARTBROKEN, and we’ll send you two.
If you’ve already purchased HEARTBROKEN, and can’t think of anyone to give one to, you can order one anyway, and we’ll put aside TWO copies for people who can’t afford it. Just tell us you want to donate your books in the comments section of your checkout cart.

And here is more good news about this BOGO sale:

No quantity limits. Buy 2, get 4. Buy 5, we’ll send 10. And so on. Again, you can also DONATE however many of these you wish.
No shipping charges on the free copies. Shipping will be calculated based on the number actually purchased.

Just go to this link, and passing along some healing (remember, the sale is on NOW until Sunday, June 29).

Thank you for being a part of this movement of healing. We all hurt. We’ve been hit, and some of us have had heavy, painful losses. Thank goodness we’re in this together.

Healing is possible. As we work together, it is nearer than we think.

10 Things I Learned from Grief and Pain

©photodune.net

Who likes pain and grief? I don’t. But if I have to go through it, at least I can be thankful for its lessons.

 

Here are 10 things grief and pain have taught me:

 

1.  Life isn’t smooth, nor is it supposed to be.

Grief isn’t weird or negative. It’s not a disease of some kind. It’s a natural and normal response to a loss.

 

2.  I’m not in control.

I can’t stop losses from coming. How I manage life’s hits is going to determine a lot, so I better get good at grieving.

 

3.  Grief isn’t just about death, but about loss of any kind.

Loss comes in many forms: disappointment, abuse, conflicts, estrangements, separations, divorces, moves, financial tragedy, job termination, etc. Many things can cause pain.

 

4.  Grieving well and healing doesn’t just ‘happen.’ It is a choice.

I must intentionally invest in the process. I don’t have to let my wounds determine my life. I can heal, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be the same.

 

5.  Grief can be a catalyst to deep and powerful growth.

Very little growth and maturity has occurred in my life without change and some degree of uncomfortability. I heal, but the scars remain. When life bumps my scars, it hurts. This is natural and normal.

 

6.  Grief changes my relationships because it changes me.  

I’m not the same. My grief and healing process will bring me closer to some people, but distance me from others. This too is natural and normal.

 

7.  In some senses, I never stop grieving.

It’s always there, right under the surface. I can let the grief bursts come. This honors my loved one, and helps me heal.

 

8.  Grief taught me to be real, and who to be real with.

Not everyone is helpful in my grief process. I’ve learned to get around people who help me grow and limit my exposure to those who don’t.

 

9.  It’s better to feel the pain than to stuff it.

Grief taught me that whatever I stuff gets buried, only to resurface again. I’ve learned to feel the pain, as much as I can, and work through it. As I do this, over time I’ll grow and heal rather than spinning in circles covering the same ground over and over again.

 

10.  I can use my pain for good.

If I’m willing, grief and pain can teach me compassion and acceptance. I can let them motivate me to reach out and help others heal. As a bonus, I heal a little more too.

 

A recent radio interview

I talked about some of these things, and a lot more, in a recent radio interview.

The interview covered:

What grief is
How grief operates
The impact grief has on us
How to begin to recover and heal.

There are some commercial breaks, so feel free to fast forward or jump ahead. And please note:

the views and beliefs of the interviewer do not necessarily reflect mine, and visa versa.

Moving Through Grief Toward Healing on Voice of America Radio — Click here

 

Grief is a part of healing

Grief hurts. It should. Rather than waste the pain, let’s learn from it. If we can begin to see grief as part of healing, we’re one step further down the road of recovery.

This Weekend: We’re Giving Away Books!

 

People are hurting. Loss is everywhere. We want to help.

We want to give away some books, and we hope you can help us.

 

Here’s the story:

Three years ago, New York Times Bestseller Cecil Murphey (90 Minutes in Heaven, Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story, and over 100 other books) and I set out to write an easy-to-read, comforting, and practical gift book for those facing a loss.

Harvest House Publishers loved the idea, got artist Michal Sparks on board, and the result was Saying Goodbye: Facing the Loss of a Loved One. Check out the video above for my take on the book.

 

Here’s what others have said:

“Written with compassion and empathy, like a visit with close friends.” (Tracy Ruckman, PixNPens.com)

“Practical, tenderly presented, and helpful.” (Reggie Coe, Pastor)

“Written with sensitivity and compassion…a touching guide.” (Examiner.com)

“When grieving, we need brief, practical information presented in a way that is easy to process. This book accomplishes the task.” (Dr. Denise Turner, Hospice Medical Director)

 

We wrote the book to help. This weekend, we want to give away as many as possible.

 

Here’s the deal:

Beginning NOW through Sunday May 17, we’ll give away a copy of Saying Goodbye for each copy purchased. In other words, if you order one, we’ll send you two.


There’s no quantity limit. If you purchase 5, we’ll send you 10. Order 20, and you’ll get 40.


This offer is open to you, my subscribers, our Facebook fans, and anyone you choose to tell.

 

How to get the deal:

It’s simple:

Go to this link: Saying Goodbye: Facing the Loss of a Loved One


Purchase any number of copies, and we’ll send you twice that many.


AND, you won’t be charged for shipping on the free copies either! (Shipping will be based on the number purchased)

That’s it. No special codes. No coupons. Order one (at $9.99), and get two. Simple.  

 

Why are we doing this?

We’re passionate about helping people grieve, heal, and grow.

Whom do you know is hurting? Encourage them with Saying Goodbye - for about the cost of a Frappuccino.

Let’s make this weekend one of comfort and healing.

How many can we give away? Let’s find out!

Why April Hurt (and What I Can Do About It)

We all have our “trigger-times” – those special days or seasons that unleash pain and grief on a greater scale. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, for example, can surface our losses and throw them in our faces.

The whole month of April does that for me. It’s Child Abuse Awareness and Prevention Month.

 

Deaths shape us

Grief isn’t just about death. We experience losses of all kinds: job changes, moves, estrangements, break-ups, divorces, disease, and disabilities, to name a few. Then again, all these are “deaths” of sorts.

These deaths shape and mold us. If we allow them to rule, they can set the agenda for our hearts and lives. But I believe there is life hidden in these deaths. If we look closely, under every loss is great opportunity for healing and growth. It takes a while to see this because the pain and agony are so intense at first.

 

Part of me died back there

Among the deaths in my life, childhood sexual abuse is one of the worst:

It stole my innocence and shattered my trust.
It taught me fear, terror, and hopelessness.
It drove me deep inside, producing a painfully shy youngster.
It profoundly skewed my view of myself, others, the world, and God.
It whispered “You’re damaged goods. Nobody wants you. No one will ever love you.” I heard these messages so often I believed them.
It spawned a life of anxiety and driven performance. If I worked hard enough and did things right enough, surely I could keep bad things from happening.

Some losses are evil. Childhood sexual abuse is one of those. It was a death. Part of me died back there.

 

We have all endured multiple deaths

You have similar trigger-times too. You also have endured multiple deaths. We’re in this together. No matter where we go, we are in the company of fellow grievers.

As Helen Keller said, “We bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world – the company of those who have known suffering.”

Every April, I’m reminded not only of what I endured, but what I survived. Even with all the deaths, I’m still here. So are you.

 

Are you hurting?

We’ve all been wounded. If you’re hurting, perhaps you should be. No one wants pain, but the hurt can also mean you’re living in reality and you’re healing.

There’s healing and hope underneath the rubble. You may not see it, but it’s there. That’s what the video at the beginning of this post is about.

(NOTE: This video is about my personal experience and is distinctively Christian in nature. No matter what your faith or belief system, I hope you find it helpful and encouraging). 

 

Are you an abuse survivor?

Wonderful things can come out of backgrounds of garbage and fear. You’re not there anymore. You survived. You had the core of your being violated, and you’re still breathing.

If you haven’t seen the above video, take 6 minutes and watch it now. I think you’ll be encouraged. And then download a copy of my free e-book Never Alone. It was written for you.

 

Making the pain count

It’s been said that our greatest wounds shape our mission. That’s certainly true for me. With lots of help, I’m going to keep turning the tables on life’s deaths by helping hurting people heal and grow.

We are the largest company in all the world – the company of those who have known suffering. Let’s work together, and make the pain count.

P.S. If you know an abuse survivor, consider passing along Never Alone. It’s free and super easy to download. Thanks!

What I Learned (Again) About Grief, Pain, and Healing

©photodune.net

It’s amazing how many times I have to “learn” something.

Recently, I traveled to Colorado Springs and joined friend and New York Times Bestseller Cecil Murphey for a radio taping with Focus on the Family. The topic was healing from childhood sexual abuse.

I hadn’t spoken on abuse in a while, but I live with the results every day. The pain is there, right under the surface, waiting for a trigger. In this case, I would be doing the triggering, deliberately going back into all that…again.

As my wife Jen and I were driving up to Colorado, I asked myself, “Why am I doing this?”

The answer came quickly: healing.

 

A Journey of Healing

Ironically, the 800 mile route went through my hometown. We got off the highway and drove to the house I grew up in, where much of the abuse happened. As I parked in front, grief and pain washed over me. Yet the house didn’t look as big as I remembered.

Then we drove across town to find another “house of horrors” from my childhood. It was gone, an empty lot in its place. I could almost see its shadow still looming there.

The next morning before the interview, I had an anxiety attack. I knew what was happening. My mind and body were preparing to go “back there” again.

The people at Focus were wonderful. Their hospitality and kindness put my heart at ease. Halfway through the interview, the pain hit and the tears came, followed quickly by a strong sense of the love of God and other people in my life. I saw again all I had been rescued out of.

On the return trip, we stopped at my dad’s grave. Emotion gushed out of every pore, even though he’s been gone almost 40 years. Of course, the grief wasn’t just about dad. Grief is never that simple.

We arrived home drained, but encouraged.

 

Six Things I Learned about Grief and Healing…Again

Through this experience, I was reminded of some truths about grief and healing:

Healing takes guts. It’s scary and painful. Facing life as it is takes courage.
Some wounds heal, but the scars remain. And they hurt when life bumps them. These scars say, “It happened, and it mattered.”
Healing takes time. It’s more a journey than a destination. To see healing as anything but a lifelong adventure only sets us up for frustration and disappointment.
Healing occurs as pain is processed.  Each time we talk, share, and write, we heal a little more. Others hear, decide they’re not alone or crazy, and begin to believe healing is possible. It’s a win-win.
Healing happens as we turn our pain outward. Extraordinary things occur when we intentionally help others heal while we ourselves are hurting. We can use our grief instead of letting it rule us.
Healing is worth it. The benefits along the way are astonishing – for us, those we love, and those we haven’t even met yet.

As we heal, pain’s grip weakens. Our grief house won’t seem as large or daunting as it once did. Perhaps one day we’ll find a clean, empty lot where our pain used to be.

In the meantime, we help each other heal – moment-by-moment, day-by-day.

Healing is possible, and it’s closer than we think.

 

NEWS POINTS:

Gary and Cecil’s interview will air on Focus on the Family radio May 19-20 and will be streamed live on Focus’ website.
Thanks to you, Gary’s new book, Heartbroken , became an Amazon Top 10 Bestseller (Grief and Loss). If you don’t have it, grab your copy on Amazon or a personalized copy from Gary here .

JOIN THE MOVEMENT! We Need You!

©bigstock

Something is happening, and we get to be a part of it.

 

A quick update

The past 10 days have been amazing:

Heartbroken: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse was released.
The Heartbroken video has been viewed over 7000 times.
Wonderful emails, Facebook posts, and messages are flooding in from people who are being comforted and helped.
People are passing along the healing, getting the book for others and delighting in making a difference (though they are in pain themselves).
Heartbroken  is a new Amazon Bestseller in Grief and Loss (it’s been as high as #8).

Wow.

 

It’s about people

This isn’t about a book. It never has been.

It’s about people. Heartbroken is a tiny part of the much larger story of men and women recovering from devastating wounds, seeking help, joining hands and hearts, and walking the road of healing together.

This is a movement of healing and growth.

This movement isn’t new. It’s been going on a long time. And yet, out of all the times and places we could have been born or lived, we are here, now. We’re in this together, and we’re here to make an impact. Part of that impact is to bring healing.

 

Hurt people hurt people, or help them heal

We’ve all been wounded. Hurting people tend to choose one of two paths.

Some hold on to their pain and project it outward, hurting other people in the process.
Others seek healing, and allow their grief and suffering to expand their hearts. In the midst of pain, they love and serve.

We heal in part by passing healing along to others.

 

Join the movement

I invite you to join me in a movement of healing.

This is bigger than us and our personal pain and grief. It’s not about me or you. It’s about us – all of us. Imagine the impact we could have if we joined forces and made it our mission to help others heal and grow!

Thousands would be encouraged, comforted, and helped, and we would heal a little more too.

That’s what love does.

 

Join the movement, share the healing

Here’s how you can join me in this movement of healing:

Make healing a priority. Invest heavily in it. You love others when you do this.
When you run across something helpful to you (book, blog post, website, Facebook post, etc.), share it!
When you share Heartbroken, remember it’s not about the book – it’s about the bigger picture of helping others heal and grow.

Many out there are waiting for us. Will we show up?

Yes, we will.

 

For 3 more days, Heartbroken is available at the hugely discounted introductory price of $5.99 or less (up to 70% off) through Sunday, March 8. Grab your copies now, and give the gift of healing.

HEARTBROKEN has been released

Most of us know about grief and loss. We’ve personally experienced it through death, divorce, abuse, or some other means.

Some of us have lost our mates. And for those who haven’t, we can come to the aid of those who have.

Heartbroken: Healing from the loss of a Spouse was released today. This book, written from interactions and interviews with hundreds of widows and widowers, deals with the one of the greatest losses any of us can experience.

 

What Heartbroken is about

When someone loses a mate, it can be painful beyond description. It affects all of life. Nothing is the same. Many times, the surviving spouse’s heart is broken.

What do survivors do with all the pain and roller-coaster emotions? What will life be like? Who are they now?

Their hearts need answers. Heartbroken can help.

I wrote Heartbroken from my experience in walking with hundreds of spouses through this dark valley. It contains their stories, in their words. It’s about their pain, struggles, triumphs, and healing. Heartbroken is honest, forthright, and practical.

 

How you can help

I need your help. We need to get this book into the hands of as many widows and widowers as possible. You can:

Share this video and blog post.
Go to my FB author page and share this post.
Share the link to this post/video on any of your social media – Twitter, LinkedIn, Pinterest, GooglePlus, etc.

Take a moment and think of someone you know suffering from the loss of spouse. Share with them personally – and do it soon. They may be waiting for this resource.

 

AND THERE’S A SPECIAL DEAL FOR YOU… 

And it’s a big deal too…

I wanted to find a way to say “Thank you” to you, for reading, sharing, and for encouraging me. So…

Heartbroken will be available for $5.99 (60% off) for the first two weeks. After that – back to the regular price. This is for YOU – my readers, subscribers, and FB fans – and anyone you choose to tell! So grab your copies now!

Heartbroken is now available from –  

Amazon (paperback and Kindle)

Barnes & Noble (Nook)

Smashwords (e-book)

Gary  (s ig ned, personalized paperback copies)  - NOTE – I will not have copies until March 5 (but you can order anytime!).

Together we can make a huge impact. Let’s work together to get this resource out there!

When Valentine’s Day is Hard

Photo courtesy of ©photodune.net

My last post was about Mr. Guilt. My plan was to continue that theme and talk about how to recognize and deal with him.

But Valentine’s Day is staring us in the face – and it can be hard. So I’m going to put Mr. Guilt off until the next post, and discuss this upcoming celebration of love and romance.

 

Why Valentine’s Day can be difficult

Valentine’s Day can be hard for all kinds of reasons – death, divorce, abuse, estrangement, and loneliness, to name a few. It resurrects our losses and thrusts them in our faces. We long for what we had, or grieve what we never got. We’re angry about how things are. Add some guilt into the mix and presto – a formidable recipe for discouragement, depression, and despair.

Valentine’s Day can be an intense time of grief and sadness.

What can we do?

 

Hiding isn’t a good option

We can, of course, hide. This is perhaps our most natural reflex when wounded and feeling out of control. But it’s not healthy, and we know it.

We can run. Run into another’s arms. Run to someone or something else to deaden the pain. But then, this is just another form of hiding.

Or…

We can make the courageous choice to meet Valentine’s Day head on, and use it to help us heal.

 

Meeting Valentine’s Day head-on

How do we do this?

First, we can decide to meet the day and what it brings. The Grinch couldn’t stop Christmas from coming, and we won’t be able to stop Valentine’s Day either. What would it mean to celebrate the day in a way that fits where we are?


Second, we can make proactive choices. Each of us gets to decide what we’re going to do, how, when, and with whom. We must seek those who are helpful to our healing and limit our exposure to those who aren’t. We can take charge of the day, and make a plan.


Third, we can forgive. We can’t afford to let guilt (blaming ourselves) or bitterness (blaming others) rule our hearts. We can choose to both forgive those who have wounded us and forgive ourselves for what we did or didn’t do. This releases our hearts to continue to heal.


Fourth, we can express love. We can choose to honor those who have passed – buy them a card, write a letter, or give a gift in their name. We remember them, and are thankful. But we don’t have to stop there.

Even when in pain, we can reach out and honor someone around us we respect and admire. How can we show them our love and thanks? What can we do to help them feel appreciated and valued? A little genuine service can do wonders for broken hearts.

 

Maybe it’s about love in the midst of difficulty

Perhaps this is what Valentine’s Day should be about anyway – expressing love in the midst of pain and struggle. If we freely passed along what we longed to receive, imagine the impact we might make.

We grieve because we dared to love. What if we used our grief to love even more?

Valentine’s Day might be different indeed.

 

Question: When Valentine’s Day hurts, what have you found helpful?

Anyone Else Feel Guilty?

Photo courtesy of ©photodune.net

He’s smart, and he’s sneaky.

He got to us early. We’ve known him since childhood.

He became so familiar we began to hear his words in our own voices.

His name is Guilt, and he wants to steal your life.

I grew up in an atmosphere of guilt. Of course, that didn’t begin with me. Guilt flexed his muscles in my family long before I was born. By the time I surfaced, he was part of the air we breathed.

Because of abuse, I was one of those kids who felt responsible for everything bad that happened. I grew skilled at living in the land of what-if and if-only. “What if I had….?” “If I had only…” I burdened myself with things I wasn’t responsible for and had no control over. Then there was the junk I was responsible for – thoughts that led to hurtful words and actions. Add to this a number of other significant hits – deaths, losses, and tragedies.

I had no idea how to deal with this stuff. So, I tried to take control. I made myself responsible and became a relentless, overachieving robot.

Guilt had succeeded. His voice had become my own. He became the unseen shadow piloting my life.

Perhaps you are well acquainted with him too.

I once had a gerbil named Ralph. He was especially fond of the wheel in his cage. He would get it in and run for seemingly hours at a time. Even in the middle of the night, I could hear that little wheel going round and round.

Ralph was industrious, but he didn’t accomplish much. He wasn’t supposed to. He was a gerbil. He was cute. That was enough.

I wonder how many of us feel caught, trapped in small lives, going round and round but not getting anywhere?

How many of us feel stuck, burdened by the challenges we’re facing?

How many of us have the painful past frequently invade the present, hijacking our emotions?

How many of us regularly settle for something we sense is far less than we were destined for?

I believe our “friend” Guilt has a lot to do with this.

It’s time we saw him for who he is, don’t you think?

 

NEXT TIME:  How do we learn to recognize Guilt, and then deal with him?