Shouldn’t You Be Over This By NOW?

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We’re all missing someone.

Michelle sat across the table from me, turning her chicken salad over and over with her fork.

“I should be over this by now,” she sighed.

Michelle’s mother had passed away four months earlier. They had seen each other almost every day for a decade. They talked about everything. Her mom’s death left a gaping hole in Michelle’s life and heart.

“She’s always been there. Until she passed, you had never lived a day without her,” I said. “Michelle, you’re not going to get over this.”

Michelle looked up from her plate and stared at me. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came. Her face began to crumple, and the tears began to fall.

When we lose someone (to death, divorce, moves, mental or physical illness, or relational distance) it’s impossible to get over them. That would be like saying they didn’t matter and their lives were of no real importance.

 

My Friend Bill

About 15 years ago, I got a call from my friend Bill. He was a college buddy and a groomsman in my wedding. We hadn’t seen each other for years, but we talked at least every couple of months. He was a master at staying in touch.

This phone call was different. “Gary, I’ve got leukemia, and it’s advanced. It doesn’t look good.”

I gripped the phone in silence. No words came.

“I know, man, I know,” Bill said. “That’s how I responded when they told me.”

Several months later, Bill was gone. He was barely 40. I still have a hard time believing it. I miss his voice, his sense of humor, and his encouragement. I sometimes close my eyes and try to remember his face.

Get over Bill? Nope. No way.

Relationships are the foundation of our lives. People matter so deeply.

 

People are Priceless

All of us are special. We are priceless beings of eternal value. When someone exits, they leave a hole. We can’t replace them. We can only grieve, and hopefully learn to appreciate them even more.

You never get over a person. You learn to adapt and adjust over time.


As you grieve well, the one you miss will naturally take his or her new place in your life.


If you look carefully, you’ll recognize them in your actions and hear their voice in your words.


Grief will become mixed with thanksgiving.


Slowly, the color will come back into life.

I learned so much from Bill, the most powerful thing being selfless service. Bill loved people and gave his life to those around him, especially those in need. I can honor him by living his legacy as part of my mission.

 

Grieve Well, Lean Forward, and Grow

How do we do this? Here are five suggestions:

1.   Appreciate what’s been lost.

2.   Feel the emotions involved (sadness, anger, confusion, relief, frustration, fear, anxiety, depression, etc.).

3.   Don’t go internal or isolate. Stay connected to people.

4.   Share the stories and memories.

5.   Don’t get in a hurry. Take your time.

Moving through the fog of loss is not a random, wandering journey (though it may feel that way).

Our hearts are seeking a new equilibrium. Recovery takes time. Lots of time.

Let the one you miss sink deeply into your life and heart. Honor them in the way you live. Let the memory of your time together bring smiles as well as tears.

Who are you missing today?