Gary Roe's Blog, page 10

A sneak peek inside my upcoming book…

I’m writing today to give you a sneak peek inside my new book, the Grieving the Write Way Journal and Workbook.

You can tell a lot about a book from the beginning, so I thought I would share the new book’s introduction with you. Here you go…

WHAT GRIEVING THE WRITE WAY IS ALL ABOUT

Your world has changed. Someone special is missing.

This loss hits you on all levels: emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and relational. Your routine has been upended. Life for you is not business as usual.

How do you do this?

What does this loss mean for you?

Who are you now?

What’s next?

MY PERSONAL HISTORY WITH WRITING AND GRIEF

I experienced multiple, traumatic losses in early childhood. By the time I was a teenager, I was slogging through each day carrying massive weights that I was unaware of.

Then I lost my dad. He dropped in front of me of a heart attack. He was a single dad and my one functional parent.

My grief burden was already massive. When this lightning bolt struck, I thought my life was over.
I was stunned.

I managed to stay functional. I went to school. I stayed on the swim team. I kept connecting with my friends. Because of previous losses, however, I already felt different from my peers. Now, I felt like I lived alone in some alternate universe.

One day I picked up a pencil and started writing. A poem materialized. I wasn’t a poetry fan, but somehow it fit my mood that day.

The next day, I wrote another poem. A few days later, I penned another.

I found myself emoting as I wrote. I cried. I paced and talked to myself. I yelled and screamed.

Writing poetry opened an avenue for my heart to express its anguish. Sadness, confusion, anger, fear, anxiety, and guilt spewed out of me, one word at a time. I felt lousy, but expressing myself felt good and relieving.

I continued writing poetry through high school. In college, I began to journal. When I was upset or frustrated, I found myself writing down what I was feeling and thinking.

Keeping a journal became a habit. Writing about what was happening in my heart and mind became a part of my daily routine. I continue this today.

I write in the morning, before the pressures and interruptions of the day begin their assault. I get to process what happened yesterday. I prepare myself for the day ahead.

As a hospice chaplain, grief specialist, and grief coach, I’m around death, loss, and heavy grief every day. I use writing to process and release the huge amount of pain that I hear and see.

Frankly, I don’t know what I would do without writing as a way of processing life.

WRITING AND THE GRIEF PROCESS

Writing can play a massive part in the grief and healing process.

Writing steadies our hearts enough to express our emotions in a healthy and productive way.

Writing slows our spinning minds down enough to get our thoughts on paper and begin to process them.

Writing can enable us to consider the physical impact of on our bodies and help us decide what to do about it.

Writing gives us a safe place to express and process spiritual questions, doubts, and fears.

Writing allows us to share our frustrations about our relationships in an honest and uncensored manner.

Writing enables us to consider and work through our thoughts, wonderings, and fears about the future.

Writing can become a powerful habit that can help us navigate life in general. What we don’t express stays locked in our hearts and often becomes some of the baggage that weighs us down.

Writing can be a tool which unveils hope. Hope is always here, but sometimes pain can blind us to it.

HOW GRIEVING THE WRITE WAY CAN HELP

This book is about you and the terrible loss you’re enduring.

This book is about helping you express your heart, mind, and soul.

This book can aid you in tackling (in a sane and healthy way) all the changes that have been thrust upon you.

This book can assist you in navigating all the relational changes and upsets you’re facing.

This book can help you honor your loved one as you grieve.

This book can help you see that you’re not alone, you’re not crazy, and that you will make it through this.

This book can help you take the next steps in your grief process, whatever they might be.

WELCOME TO GRIEVING THE WRITE WAY

So, welcome to the Grieving the Write Way Journal and Workbook. In the following pages, you’ll get many opportunities to experience the benefits of writing about your loss and what’s happening in your heart and mind.

I’m glad you’re here. Take the next step. Read on…and write.

Taken from the Grieving the Write Way Journal and Workbook.

Well? What do you think? Can you use this book? Do you know someone who might benefit from it?

Grieving the Write Way will be officially released at the end of next week. It will be on New Release Special on Amazon and other book retailers for a few days.  Stay tuned.

In the meantime, please be thinking about those you know that would benefit from this book. Book Launches and new releases are wonderful opportunities to share with others and grab healing resources at great discounts.

Together we can touch so many more grieving hearts. Just by sharing this article, who knows how many people you might reach?

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What grief question is most on your mind today?

We all have questions. After a loss, it seems like our questions multiply exponentially.

Recently, my friends Kathy and Stephanie had me back on their podcast, As I Live and Grieve. They had me talk about my latest book, The Grief Guidebook: Common Questions, Compassionate Answers, Practical Suggestions.

You can listen our podcast episode here.

There are times when our questions overwhelm us. It would be nice to have a manual that tackled our questions and dealt with them, one by one. That’s what The Grief Guidebook is all about.

Some of you are familiar with The Grief Guidebook. Some of you were on the team that helped launch the book. Others of you may have never heard of it.

Here are a few of 71 common questions The Grief Guidebook tackles:

Why Does This Hurt So Much?Who Else am I Going to Lose?How Do I Handle Emotional Overwhelm?Why Don’t I Feel Like Myself Anymore?Am I Going Crazy?How Do I Deal with Grief Attacks?Why Can’t I Think Straight?What’s Happening to My Memory?How Do I Handle Lack of Closure?Why Am I So Tired All the Time?Can Grief Make Me Sick?Where Did Everyone Go?How Do I Find People Who Are Supportive and Helpful?Will This Ever Get Any Better?Who am I Now?

What questions are plaguing your mind and heart?

To help, we’re having a special sale on The Grief Guidebook coming up in a few days. The Kindle and other eBook versions will be 80% off, and we’ll have autographed paperbacks available at a significant discount.

Whatever questions you’re dealing with, please know that you are not alone. We’re in this together. Though you might feel incredibly lonely, we’re on this road with you.

Take good care of yourself today.

Again, if you would like to listen to The Grief Guidebook interview on the As I Live and Grieve podcast, you can access it here.

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Loss, Grief, and Aging in a COVID World

Recently, I had the honor of speaking at a webinar hosted by the Minnesota Gerontological Society on “Loss, Grief, and Aging in a COVID World.”

We all experience loss. We all grieve. We’re all aging. And we all live in a COVID-influenced world. Needless to say, everyone found the subject pretty relevant.

I wanted to give you an opportunity to see this webinar. You can watch the recording here

COVID added a layer of complexity to everything – and especially to grief. Isolation is a huge enemy of the grieving heart, and COVID brought that to us in droves. Ugh.

Speaking of isolation, how are you doing out there?

Do you find yourself feeling isolated in your grief process? If so, what do you think might help with that?

If you’re not currently struggling with a sense of loneliness and isolation, do you have some words of encouragement for those who are?

Feel free to respond. If I get enough responses, I’ll send another email with the results. Who knows what we might learn from one another?

Also, my Moving Sale is still going on through Monday. All my grief books are 40-50% off. Most have sold out, but we do have 6 titles left in stock. You can check it out here.

Be kind to yourself today. Be compassionate to others. We need each other badly. I’m glad to be journeying with you.

Do any of the questions above resonate with you? Feel free to respond and leave a comment below!

If you enjoy brief videos (well, most of them are brief), please consider subscribing to my YouTube channel. Just by subscribing, you can help get videos in front of more grieving hearts. You can unsubscribe at any time.

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In a World of Grief, It’s Nice to Hear Some Good News

In the world of grief, it’s nice to get good news.

A few weeks ago, I received some surprisingly good news. My book Aftermath: Picking Up the Pieces After a Suicide had been selected from thousands of titles as a Best Book Awards Winner.

A few days after that honor, I received word that Aftermath had also been named one of the best books available on suicide and suicide grief by Choose Therapy.

I was stunned.

I was also humbled and grateful.

I can remember sitting down to begin to write Aftermath. I trembled. I remembered my mom’s suicide attempt when I was a teen. I thought back over all the suicide deaths I had encountered personally and professionally. I doubted my ability to write anything that could possibly make a difference.

Knowing I had to do something about this terrible epidemic, however, I started to write.

I prayed for guidance and wisdom.

I asked for tons of compassion and love.

I hoped that the words on the pages would touch hearts, meet readers in their grief, and bring some comfort, hope, and healing.

When the printed proof of Aftermath arrived, I paged through it and then laid it gingerly in front of me. I prayed again that God would somehow use the book to not only comfort broken hearts, but also save lives.

Have you had a time when you felt you were facing an impossible task but you somehow got through it?

Have you felt led to do something that you knew was beyond you, but you took the risk and leapt forward?

Are you feeling strongly about something at present, but when you think about doing something about it you begin to tremble?

I have found over the years that almost every major positive step I have taken in life was hard and scary at the time. We want to be comfortable, but the reality is that our comfort zones don’t lead to healing and growth. Over time, comfort zones tend to anesthetize our hearts and keep us stuck.

Grief can paralyze us. Healing and growth take great courage. One day at a time, one step at a time. We need humility and a long-haul mentality.

Thank you for reading this email. Though all our losses are different, I’m so glad we can travel this grief-life road together.

Please be patient with yourself today. Take good care of you. You are more important than you know.

Do any of the questions in this post resonate with you? Share with us about it. Leave a comment below.

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Three Key Ways to Process Grief

Grief can be confusing, frustrating, and intense.

We all need help in grief? Where can we find it?

For most of us, grief recovery (grieving, adjusting, healing, and growing) demands a variety of people and resources.

About a year ago, Kathy Gleason and Stephanie Kendrick (mother and daughter) started a podcast called “As I Live and Grieve.” Their goal was to support and help those who are grieving by “telling the truth about how hard it is.”

I’ve had the honor of being a guest on Kathy and Stephanie’s podcast several times. Most recently, they had me on to talk about “Three Key Ways to Process Grief.”

You can listen to the podcast here.

Grief itself is a process. Sometimes, it is a long and arduous process. In many ways, we never stop grieving on some level.

Being honest about our grief – what’s happening inside us – is so important. Our hearts are screaming for attention. We need to find ways to express the grief within.

Simply put, we need to “get it out” in healthy ways.

That’s what “Three Key Ways to Process Grief” is about .

Are you able to “get the grief out” in some healthy ways?

What might help you process your grief even better?

Are there roadblocks that you sense are hindering your grief journey?

Please be kind to yourself. Loss is painful. Grief is incredibly challenging. Be compassionate with yourself (and others) today.

And as always, feel free to reach out. I’m here to help, if I can.

Question: What have you found helpful in processing your grief? Feel free to share by leaving a comment below.

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Great Grief Advice From an Unexpected Source

Sometimes the best help comes from places we least expect it.

A number of years ago, I was struggling with a terrible loss in my life. The pain, anxiety, and confusion were nearly debilitating.

Every day, I rolled out of bed and headed out to visit those who were dying. As a hospice chaplain, I entered my patients’ and their families’ worlds and walked with them through this uncharted territory.

For this kind of work, you want to have a full tank. Mine was almost empty.

One day, I was visiting Steve (not his real name), an ALS patient in his late 40’s. Steve could still talk, but all he could move below his neck was one finger on his left hand.

As I was listening to Steve that day, he suddenly stopped talking and gazed into my eyes.

“Gary, are you okay? Is something troubling you?”

I blinked, pursed my lips, and sighed.

“I’m sorry, Steve. Yes, I’m worried – about a lot of things,” I said.

I’ll never forget Steve’s reply.

“Dude, worry is bad stuff. It will eat your mind.”

After our visit, I went out and sat in my car for about half and hour. I talked out loud about every worry, fear, and concern I could think of. I released them as best I could, one by one.

Along the grief journey, we wonder about a lot. Wonder often leads to worry. Worry morphs into fear. Fear produces anxiety. Anxiety fuels more fear, worry, and wondering.

It’s a vicious, never-ending cycle.

Steve was right. Worry is bad stuff. It will eat our minds.

Do you struggle with worry? Has fear been a part of your grief journey? Has anxiety invaded your life?

If so, how have you dealt with these things? What have you found to be helpful?

If you feel stuck, what do you wish you could do? What do you think might help?

If you’re scared, worried, or anxious today, please know that these things are extremely common in grief. Your heart has been hit. Your life has been upended.

Identify what you’re concerned about. Unmask those worries and fears. Release them as best you can. When they knocking again, call them out and release them again.

Take good care of you today. You’re more important than you know.

Question: What do you think about the questions above? Do any of them resonate with you? Feel free to leave a comment below.

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I’m Glad I Had a Chance to Say Goodbye

When someone dies, how we say goodbye matters.

This past week was the anniversary of my dad’s death. Looking back, I’m grateful I had a chance to say goodbye. I was 15 years old at the time.

My dad dropped in front of me of a heart attack one Sunday afternoon. He never regained consciousness. He was on life-support for a week before he died.

He was my one functional parent. He was my rock. When he took his last breath, my life changed forever.

Though it was a traumatic time, I was thankful to get to see him twice a day. I got to hold his hand, look into his face, and say whatever I wanted and needed to say.

Twenty years later, I began having panic attacks. Turns out these anxiety bursts were a result of feeling responsible for my dad’s death. After all, I was a trained lifeguard and didn’t even think about doing CPR. When they asked for permission to turn off the machines, I nodded.

So, I got to go back and say goodbye all over again. I pictured myself back in that hospital room. I asked for forgiveness. I expressed my regrets. I told him for the millionth time (so it seemed) that I loved him. I thanked him for all he did for me.

This past week, on his death anniversary, I said goodbye again. The memories cascaded down upon me. Gratitude swelled in my heart.

Saying goodbye isn’t a once-and-done thing. We say goodbye in many ways, over and over again.

Did you get a chance to say goodbye to your loved one? What was that like?

Have you found yourself saying goodbye again and again?

Feel free to leave a comment and share your answers to any of the above questions.

Thanks for reading this. I’m honored to be with you on this journey.

Take good care of yourself today. We need you.

P.S. My first book was actually called Saying Goodbye, co-authored with New York Times Bestselling Author Cecil Murphey. I’ll be having a massive sale on this warm, practical, illustrated gift book soon. Stay tuned.

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What COVID taught me about grief…

Having COVID taught me a lot. Living in the COVID era has taught me even more.

Specifically, COVID reminded me of some key truths about grief. When we lose sight of these simple truths, things go badly.

COVID…

This virus effects everyone differently. Some are asymptomatic. Some have light cases. Others are affected more heavily. Still others are hit severely.

People experience different symptoms at different times. We’ve developed a long list of possible symptoms and their severity. These seem to be able to occur in almost any order and combination.

Treatment is based on each person and each case. There are several recommended treatment regimens for COVID, depending on how a person is affected and the severity of each individual case. The individual’s pre-existing conditions and current overall health play a large role in this.

There are patterns to how this virus works. Discovering these patterns has enabled us to come up with patterns of prevention and treatment that work for many people.

Loss…

Loss affects everyone differently, even if our losses are similar. Some of us are hit hard. Our whole world is upended. Some of us are debilitated for a time. Some are able to continue to function fairly well. Still others appear less affected overall.

People experience different things in grief at different times.The more we travel the grief road, the more we realize that grief is an individual process. We all experience different things at different times. Because no two people and no two losses are the same, no two grief journeys are the same.

What helps in grief is different for each person. Though each of us is unique and all our losses are different, there are some grief “patterns” that emerge that are common to all of us. No matter where we are in our grief journey, there are certain keys to healthy grieving that apply to all of us. We just have to discover what seems best for us at any given time.

There are patterns to the grief process that are common to almost everyone. Along the way, we discover that many people experience the same kinds of emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and relational upheavals and struggles. Though our losses are all different, it’s reassuring to know that we can apply some of the same grief recovery principles and walk together through this.

You are unique. Your grief process won’t look exactly like anyone else’s. This is what makes this journey so lonely.

The one you lost was unique. Your relationship with them was one-of-a-kind. This is what makes your grief so special. Your grief says, “I love you.”

What helps you might not help someone else, and vice versa. So much of grief is about timing. Different things help at different times. Grief is a moving target.

Your grief has patterns to it that almost every other grieving heart will experience on some level (especially those dealing with a similar loss). You are not alone. Far from it.

Can you see these grief truths operating in your life? Which one resonates the most with you right now?

Please be kind to yourself today. Pay attention to your heart. You’re more important than you know.

Warmly,
Gary

P.S. Soon after COVID hit, I wrote an article called 5 Tips: Grief, Fear, and Coronavirus. Though some of the info is now dated, the 5 tips remain solid. Check it out.

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Why Everyone Needs a “Grief Recovery Team.”

Though grief is lonely, none of us were meant to grieve alone.

This article, adapted from the book Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child , presents the concept of a Grief Recovery Team. No matter what our loss, we need helpful, supportive people around us.

“Thanks to other people, I’ll make it. It takes a team of brave hearts to help someone survive the loss of a child,” Marge shared.

Marge’s daughter Cassandra was her middle child. She grew up feminine and frilly, with a large dose of spunk under the surface. She married her high school sweetheart and had two girls of her own.

Things went well until cancer struck. The disease process was hard on Cassandra’s marriage and family. Her decline was excruciating to watch. She died peacefully in her sleep. She was 38.

“Cancer took my girl’s life, but it couldn’t steal her heart,” Marge said. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I’m glad I’m not alone.”

A VARIED SUPPORT SYSTEM IS HELPFUL

None of us are designed to go through grief alone. We need each other. All of us need a support system of the right people. Everyone can benefit from having a good Recovery Team.

We’ve said before that people make all the difference in our grief process, one way or another. It’s healthy and healing to get around people who are helpful to us in our grief process and limit our exposure to those who aren’t. Having a good support system can make this a little easier.

Safe people

We all need safe people in our lives. We need people who will accept us where we are and walk with us through this wilderness. We need people with whom we can share our hearts.

Physician

We need a medical doctor we respect and trust. Since grief pounds us physically, most likely some weird symptoms or health concerns will pop up. Having someone in our corner who can help distinguish what needs to be addressed and how can be a relief and a comfort.

Grief professional

The emotional impact of this loss can be devastating. Having a grief counselor or mental health professional we can touch base with is key. We can benefit greatly from the training, experience, and expertise of a specialist who serves people in situations like ours.

Spiritual mentor

Our faith and spiritual life is also impacted. Having a spiritual mentor available during this time is a huge asset. Whether a minister, pastoral counselor, or someone of deep faith experienced in these matters, they can provide comfort and perspective at a time when we desperately need both.

Fellow grievers

We also need to rub shoulders with people who know grief—especially child loss. We usually find these people in support groups. Some of them, however, find us first. Those who have experienced the death of a child are sometimes naturally drawn to each other.

We need different voices at different times. We need different expertise for difficult and complicated issues. We might not contact some of them very much—maybe even not at all—but knowing that they’re there and available is huge.

Having good people waiting in the wings is part of taking care of ourselves during this tumultuous time. Having a varied support system in place can help us with the myriad of changes and adjustments that are taking place. A Recovery Team is one more way we can take our hearts seriously and honor the memory of our child.

“I need a good recovery team. Having good people near me makes a big difference.”

Adapted from the Best Book Awards Finalist and Amazon Bestseller, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child .

Question: Do you have safe, helpful people in your life? What do you think of the “Grief Recovery Team” concept? Leave a comment below.

Additional Recommended Resources:

5 Important People You Will Attract in Grief – Dr. Laura

When People Disappear and Disappoint – www.garyroe.com

5 Common Myths About Grief – Thrive Global

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The story behind my next grief book…

“Why did you write this book?”

“What can this book do for me?”

I get asked these two questions all the time.

So today I thought I would take some time and answer these questions about my new book that’s coming out in a few weeks – Widowed Walk: Experiencing God After the Loss of a Spouse.

If you’ve lost a spouse, this book is obviously written for you.

If you haven’t lost a spouse, chances are you know someone who would benefit from a book like this.

The loss of a spouse changes everything. Nothing in our lives is left untouched. The aftermath can be traumatic, overwhelming, and incredibly painful.

I have written two other books for those who have lost a spouse or life partner – Heartbroken: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse and Comfort for the Grieving Spouse’s Heart. So why another book on this?

Because all three books are written from different angles. Sometimes we need to hear things from multiple perspectives for it to sink in at the deepest level.

Widowed Walk is a grief devotional written for those who identify with the Christian faith. With over 150 readings, the book is designed to be read one chapter a day, giving you bite-size bits of comfort, hope, and healing over time.

Many of us struggle spiritually after the loss of our beloved mate. We wonder why God feels distant. We wonder how He fits into all this. We wonder what this means for us. We wonder what’s next.

Widowed Walk is meant to be a companion for you on this tough, challenging journey. The goal of the book is to help you walk with God and experience Him through this time of change and upheaval. He is with you. He walks with you. He will guide you. You are far from alone.

Widowed Walk can be your spiritual survival kit. Each reading is brief (two pages long), direct, to the point, and easy-to-read. When we’re grieving, we don’t need long, complicated, intellectual treatises. Broken hearts need true words of love, comfort, reassurance, and hope.

My hope and prayer is that Widowed Walk meets readers where they are in their pain and makes a significant healing difference in their grief journey.

If you have any questions about this book, please let me know.

Stay tuned. The book is coming soon.

Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Live today one step, one moment at a time.

P.S. Would you like to be a part of the Launch Team and help me get the word out about this book? If so, leave a comment or email me and let me know.

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