Rhyll Biest's Blog, page 16

March 16 is...

Lips Appreciation Day. 

Is it a coincidence that Lips Appreciation Day is right next to the Penis Festival? The Naughty Ninjas think not.

But aside from that, lips are pretty useful for a number of purposes (so don’t lose them) and here are some things you might not have known about your lips:

Kissing allows the selection of potential mates because the close contact is conducive to the exchange of biological information, i.e. sniffing one another's pheromones.Scottish psychologist Stuart Brody found that women with a prominent tubercle of the upper lip are better able to achieve vaginal orgasm.Lips don’t sweat.

The Lady Biest plans to celebrate Lips Appreciation Day by pouting the whole day, listening to Mick Jagger sing and wearing Max Factor's Knob-gobbler Number Nine. On her mimsy. Just kidding. How are you going to celebrate? 

March 15 is...

The Penis Festival in Japan, also known as Kanamara Matsuri  (Festival of the Steel Phallus), a Shinto tradition which takes place at a shrine in the Kawasaki district. During the festival, care must be taken to avoid getting poked in the eye by the profusion of penises in the form of illustrations, candy, carved vegetables and decorations. What's it all about? One story is that the locals believed that a sharp-toothed demon was hiding inside the vagina of a young woman and castrated two young men on their wedding nights. The only natural defence against this was to get the local blacksmith to forge an iron phallus which the demon's teeth would break on. The solution must have worked and the iron phallus was enshrined. Plus, any excuse to carry a giant schlong around the city and to eat cock-shaped candy. The Lady Biest could go a cocksicle right now. How will you celebrate Kanamara Matsuri?

Winning is everything!

And the winner of the $80 Amazon card is noble Naughty Ninja Newsletter subscriber...Jacq Zja-Noir! Congratulations Jacq, give that Kindle/bookshelf a flogging! We'll be in touch to organise your booty.

 

Lust Object: Books Rule T-Shirt

Books rule! They do! And what’s better than wearing a bright green t-shirt with a mouse on it telling the world as much? Georgina “Glitterpants” Penney has one of these. She wears it everywhere and the consensus from everyone she meets is that yes, books do rule. Want one? You can get it here.

March 9 is...

Frozen Dead Guy Days is a celebration which started in 2002 in the town of Nederland, Colorado. Celebratory activities from Friday through Sunday on the first full weekend of March include events such as coffin races, a slow-motion parade, and "Frozen Dead Guy" lookalike contests.

According to Wikipedia the story behind Frozen Dead Guy Days is that in 1989, a Norwegian citizen named Trygve Bauge brought his grandfather, Bredo Morstøl, to the United States...as a corpse preserved in dry ice. From 1990 to 1993 the body was stored in liquid nitrogen at the Trans Timecryonics facility before being whacked back in dry ice for a fun family trip to the town of Nederland.

Trygve Bauge and his mother, Aud, had big plans to build a cryonics facility in Nederland but their plans came unstuck when Trygve was deported from the United States for overstaying his visa and Aud was evicted from her home for living without electricity or plumbing, a violation of local ordinances.

When Aud voiced her concerns to reporters that the eviction might cause her father’s body— kept cryogenically frozen in a shack behind her unfinished house—to thaw. Along with a couple of other dead guys. Always a big fan of frozen dead guys, the media ran with the story and a swell of civic sympathy saw the local Tuff Shed supplier and a Denver radio station build a new shed to house Grandpa Bredo.

Nederland now holds this celebration annually in honour of their most unique resident. 

March 7 is...

The Vagina Festival in Japan. While most people know about the annual phallus festival in Japan, less well known is the vagina festival in a nearby town. The Lady Biest is all in favour of Australia celebrating Snizz-fest each March and will lobby parliament to make it happen.

(If you don’t know (and can't guess) what a snizz is, check out our Glorious Glossary of Naughty Anatomy.)

       McFallopian Crotch Puppet

The Lady Biest would celebrate Snizz-fest by making her own Fallopian Crotch Puppet (left) and even has a marketing strategy: sell the separate parts with McDonalds Happy Meals…

The McFallopian Crotch Puppet

Hey kids, the NEW female reproductive system comes in five groovy collectable parts, the vagina, uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries and vulva. Get them all and collect the whole set! Trade with your friends! Vulvas are optional in making your McFallopian Crotch Puppet®, but you'll need all the other parts to get started.

With each puppet part would come a helpful description (below) about its role in the female reproductive system:

Ovaries, like fluffy die, come in two-packs. Don't rip them out to play craps, though, because they're oval, not six sided. There’s one on the driver's side of your uterus and another riding shotgun to the left. You'll know if the cat eats both your ovaries while you're asleep because you won't ovulate anymore.

Not having heard of Playstation or xtreme sports, your ovaries spend all their time producing eggs. No need to worry that that freaky looking Chicken Little with his encephalitic head and no whites in his eyes has hatched and is lurking in your ovaries because the eggs that your ovaries produce are released into your fallopian tubes and then uterus. Which means Chicken Little is moshing with his encephalitic pals in your uterus. (Get an ultrasound now!)

Ovaries are also card carrying members of the endocrine system, which is not a galaxy far, far away, but a fancy-pants term for something that produces hormones. While you go about being a decent, productive member of society, your ovaries are cooking up oestrogen and progesterone in their crazy meth kitchen.

Quite the little diva, an egg relies on hairs in the fallopian tube to bear it towards the uterus. Some eggs have even been observed standing at the top of a fallopian tube screaming for a taxi. This process of the ovaries producing, storing and releasing eggs into the fallopian tubes is called, rather boringly, ovulation. Better marketing would have seen it called EGG-XTREME FALLOPIAN LUGE or SHREDDING REPRODUCTIVE PIPE.

Semen-hungry emissaries of Satan, your eggs loll about on the street corners of your uterus, playing loud, obscene rap music, using foul language, smoking crack, and freaking with absolutely any old sperm that blows by. Nasty little crack whores that they are, your eggs get quite snippy if the baby-batter fails to appear and jettison themselves out of your uterus in an angry red menstrual huff.

Menstruation, then, is simply your eggs' way of saying, “There ain't no gentlemen callers in this here lame ass uterus. Let's blow this popsicle stand.” If, God forbid, one of these semen-gobbling hussies does manage to bag herself some sperm, and the vixen gets herself fertilised, then go buy yourself some photographic equipment and cabbages. In nine months time you can start cranking out your own pirate Anne Geddes calendars.

Your fallopian tubes are the spaghetti straps on the foxy ginch gown that is your reproductive system. Fallopian tubes have fringed ends and somebody needs to drop a word in their ear that fringing on top of spaghetti straps is just a tad too-too and that less is more unless they want to look like a Dolly Parton impersonator.

All that we can say about the cervix is that she hates being kissed by an oversized Ding Dong McDork. In fact, whenever cervix reads this in a novel she cringes.

All muscle and no brains, your uterus longs to challenge The Rock to a wrestling match. Thwarted in this ambition, some uteruses become enraged and ensure that painful monthly menstrual cramps ensue. Unlike The Rock's biceps, your uterus muscles can expand enough to accommodate a baby and then contract sufficiently to deliver it. In your uterus' mind, this means it has all the talent but The Rock gets all the fame. Don't be surprised if an FBI profiler tracks death threats made to The Rock back to your uterus. Best not to allow your uterus access to pen and paper.

Unlike men's junk, the human female's reproductive system is designed much like Ikea furniture. Lots of expandable storage space all tucked away out of sight. If the vulva came in pine, we'd know for sure that Ikea had been involved in their design. The vulva is the external part of the female reproductive organs and is pretty dependable in that you and your friends can always find it chillaxing in the same place between your legs. Your vulva takes care of all its little reproductive homies by covering them. Somebody trying to get through your vagina's opening and to your reproductive organs? “Not on my watch,” says the vulva. Vulva actually means 'covering' in Latin which means that in Hollywood shoot-outs people could say “Vulva me, I'm going in!”

The fleshy area located just above the top of the vaginal opening is called the mons pubis. A wee bit pretentious, it likes to speak French with a lisp and often refers to its lady-garden neighbours as ‘mes amis’. Always keep berets out of its reach.

Two pairs of skin flaps called the labia (which means lips) surround the vaginal opening. They have the distinction of being the only adult female lips in the world which do not have lipstick foisted upon them (though if lipstick were to be made for them, the Lady Biest wants her own signature snizz-stick called 'Hot Merkin Mama'). 

The clitoris is the CIA operative of your snizz—small and clandestine (and apparently undetectable to most men) it’s located toward the front of the vulva where the folds of the labia join. Always remember it's your loyal lady-friend and it loves you, so don't lose it.

Lust Object: Instant Underpants

While we ninjas are too sneaky to be caught without our knickers on, we understand that there are times in a girl’s life where a fresh pair of undies are like a lifebuoy thrown to a drowning sailor. (Picture him as a sexy sailor. There. That’s nice, isn’t it?) Anyway, sometimes you need a pair of grundies and you need them NOW! Who knows when this situation will arise? Remember your granny doing that old “always wear clean underpants because you never know when you’ll be hit by a bus” thing? Well if you’ve got these on you, you’ll be able to whack on the clean ones as the ambulance dudes are shovelling you off the tarmac. Awesome, right?

Want some? You can get some here.

Grammar Ninja: It's a giant turtle donger! The turtle loves its donger!

Its versus it’s. 

Yo, home nuggets, let’s get fly with the difference between the contraction for it is (it’s) and the possessive pronoun (its). An example is provided below.

Meet Dermochelys coriacea—it’s the turtle hung like a horse and its penis can exceed 2.2 meters in total length.

Lust Object of the Day: Love is Art Kit

If you caught the stamping craze after sniffing too much Tim Holtz craft glue, or get tingles whenever suspects are fingerprinted during CSI, you’re going to love the Love is Art Kit.

An intrepid columnist for xoJane actually test-drove this product with her boyfriend who summed up the concept nicely: it’s a fuck stamp kit:

"Basically, you lay out the plastic sheet, then the canvas, squirt on some paint, and have sex on top of it all, creating an abstract design on the canvas. After it dries, you end up with a sexy-time Rorschach test for your future guests to comment on when they notice it hanging innocently in your dining room."

Also the perfect picture to hang in the spare bedroom you use as a guest room when your parents come to stay.

March 4 is...

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National Grammar Day

The Lady Biest’s favourite day of the year! Every March 4 she pulls her grammar pants all the way up to her chin to cavort around Grammar Girl’s National Grammar Day website trying to win all the competitions while slurping on a Grammartini after reading Grammar Noir fiction. If you think good grammar is sexy and would like a copy of the Lady Biest's naughty little grammar calendar, we have 15 to give away. Use our contact page and put 'I want a naughty grammar calendar' in the subject line and put a postal address/mailbox in the message.

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