Rhyll Biest's Blog, page 19

Hello, Va-jay-jay!

What’s a hot dog without ketchup? A martini without olive? A disco stick without a snizz? Please welcome the va-jay-jay to the Glorious Glossary of Naughty Anatomy.

A glorious vadge-badge handmade by Gemma Flack

Area 51 The duke was so manly he set Lady Penelope’s Area 51 all a-throb.

Baby Cannon The wet need in her baby cannon grew with every brush of the viscount’s tongue over her nipples.

Breakfast of Champions The earl liked to start his day with the breakfast of champions: a young lady’s healthy snizz.

Clown’s Pocket  Never had Letitia been so overcome with desire before, so that her entire being was focused in that area of her womanhood known as the clown’s pocket.

Dragon's Lair  Since the age of sixteen, Lord Humpjoy had know exactly what his lance was for: penetrating the dragon’s lair.

Dugout  After a long day spent riding to hunt, the duchess had her maid prepare a bath and an icepack for her dugout.

Meat Curtains  “Oh, yes, the earl certainly knows his way around a set of meat curtains.”

Pink Sink  “If I catch you with any of those ballet dancer harlots again, my lord, you’ll never visit my pink sink again.”

Pink Taco  Sir Malcolm could dream of only one thing: Lady Penelope’s lovely pink taco.

Sausage Wallet Lord Upper-class staked his daughter’s sausage wallet while gambling with the Duke of Alphahole and lost.

Snizz (from South Park)  The only way to save Privilege Manor, the marquess decided, was to sell some snizz.

Va-Jay-Jay  Letitia had heard her cousins talking about va-jay-jays and had decided that they must be a type of bird, like the blue jay she’d seen when visiting relatives in the south.

Vertical Smile  Lucretia successfully mooned the duke once his carriage drew abreast of her phaeton but had to chastise the groom for gawping at her vertical smile instead of keeping his eyes on the road.

Don't interrupt Ninja Mum when She's Reading!

Lily "Beanie Queen" Malone shows us how it's done.

ConFurgence 2014 (or how to lurk at a furry convention)

In January 2014 I found myself par-tay-ing with a highly creative and enthusiastic sub-culture at ConFurgence in Melbourne while in tow with Eozarth (pictured right).

Before you picture me surrounded by a sea of furries (drowning in a sea of fur?) you should know that furry conventions in Australia don’t get anywhere the size of those in the US. At Anthrocon 2012, the Pittsburgh venue saw 5,179 attendees (and a Fur-suit Parade exceeding 1000 fur-suiters) and Anthrocon is said to have added approximately $US 3 million to the Pittsburgh economy in 2009 which I’m sure the Pittsburgers heartily appreciated.

While not on the same furry scale as Anthrocon, there were still quite a few people (and other creatures) roaming the Melbourne Convention and Exhibition Centre at ConFurgence over three days. There were also quite a number of bemused parents and kids at the centre (wondering when slutty Sandra the French-maid fox had become a Disney cartoon character) since the Disney Convention was being hosted at the same time in the same building.

If you’re wondering how the convention lasted three whole days, put it down to the creative bent of fur-suiters and their fans who create and sell fine art, comics, fiction, poetry, games and music with furry themes. This explains why Wikifur, the online encyclopedia for fans of anthropomorphic animals, has over 16,000 articles on furry community and culture.

My first stop at the convention was the Your First Furcon session, where things like etiquette and safety were discussed. Because most people wearing a fur-suit have a very limited range of vision, it’s very bad form to run up and hug them (they won’t see the hugger coming and it’ll be like being tackled from behind).

I then roamed the art display for a while before attending the Guest of Honour Panel where artist Dark Natasha talked about her anthropomorphic art and the artist duo Blotch discussed their graphic novel series Nordguard. Latin Vixen, the face behind animal costume company Mixed Candy, also joined in, as did Sardyuon, a Japanese juggler and acrobat who performs while wearing his fur-suit—a consummate feat considering most fur suit wearers find it hard to navigate a room. 

As a writer one of the things that naturally interested me most was the graphic novel Nordguard set in an alternate-universe version of the Arctic North and focusing on a professional rescue organization known as Nordguard. Nordguard sends a rescue team led by Pi to the mines of Tartok on what seems to be a routine mission but the team finds itself trapped when something dark and dangerous is unearthed in the mine. All the characters are animal-human hybrid creatures and the rescue team itself is a sled team. There’s an amazingly detailed and well-illustrated website where you can learn all about Nordguard.

The following Females in Fandom session was interesting, especially the figures on furry demographics. Several surveys have determined that heterosexual members make up perhaps only a quarter of the furry population, while gay and bisexual members account for the remainder. I came to the conclusion that women in the furry community face far less harassment than women members of comic or gaming communities who have to deal with being outnumbered by aggressively heterosexual members of the opposite sex.

Eozarth and I then ducked into the Headless Lounge where those suited up can take off their fur-suit head to cool down. We put her head on a little stand with a specially designed vent blowing up it to dry the sweat inside her suit’s head. Only those wearing fur-suits and their ‘handlers’ are allowed inside the Headless Lounge. (Handlers are a cross between seeing eye dogs and assistants, and stick close to the fur-suiter who often can’t open doors or navigate steps because of the suit.) It was strange to see rows of fur-suit heads lined up next to each other, and fur-suits hanging off steel clothing racks. I wanted to take a photo, but nude bodies and half-changed fur-suiters made that out of the question.

At 3pm Eozarth primped for her convention photo-shoot, with pictures taken by a professional photographer, and we then skipped over to a Science and Engineering session which I had to leave early because of the overwhelming odour of B.O. in the room (generated by too much geek excitement on the part of the nerd-herd, I assume).

The final event of the day for me was the fur-suit fashion parade which you can see a video of here, complete with aggressive eyelash batting, the odd shimmy and plenty of baton-twirling.

Unfortunately I couldn’t attend everything and was sad to miss the sessions on fur-suit care, pokéfur and Sardyuon’s acrobatic performance, not to mention the fur-suit dance. 

Needless to say, I had a fur-tastic time at an event where the main topics of conversation, rather than the cricket (snore) or football (louder snore), were 'how did you make your fur-suit?' and 'how hot is it in there?'.

Lust Object of the Day: The McLovin Cork Screw

McLovin is always ready to satisfy a woman...by opening a wine bottle. Best of all, you can buy him online (and can probably get a refund if he doesn't satisfy you).

Eat Me: Sandra's Seriously Simple Frittata

Eat Me…you know you want to.

Beneath these kitten heels and pretty apron beats the heart of a dominatrix of clean and cooking. And Coffee. And Cookies. My mission here, kids, is to whip or beat your eggs into submission—or at least into a delightful, yet simple meal. Not only am I the mistress of keeping things neat and simple. I swear to you I will never give you a complicated recipe to follow. There will be no non-stick personal appliances, no weenie makers with built in bun warmers (make of that what you will), no blow (snigger) torches. It’s old-fashioned basic cooking that you can usually make in one pot or pan or baking dish. I’ll give you main dishes and side dishes and cookies, with an occasional foray into pie and cake. I’ll tell you how to do it and I’ll tell you how to cheat when you do it. While I am a vegetarian, I still eat eggs and cheese and I still cook for people who are carnivores. This means I will happily pork you and show you the beef…with a healthy slant towards eating your veggies. However, seeing as I have a seafood allergy you will never get a fish-crustacean-lived-in-water-related recipe here.

Since I mentioned eggs, let’s talk about ‘em. “How do you like your eggs in the morning, scrambled, fried, or fertilized?” Personally, I like my eggs with potato. Also, eggs aren’t just for breakfast.

 

Seriously Simple Frittata

You need:

A baking dish (I use a Pyrex 6 x 9 inch/2 liter dish)

Olive oil spray

8 large eggs

3 medium-sized potatoes

1 tsp Dijon Mustard (or whatever style ‘stard you like)

A good splash of milk

Salt & pepper to taste

½ cup shredded cheese (I use cheddar)

 

Spray baking dish with olive oil.

Wash the potatoes and prick the skin. Cook in microwave, or steam until a fork inserted in them comes out with ease. Let cool enough to handle and slice into ¼ inch/1 cm rounds. I leave the skin on. Layer in bottom of baking dish. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Sprinkle cheese on top.

 Beat the eggs. Add splash of milk. Beat again. Add in mustard. Beat again. Pour over potatoes.

 Bake at 375F/190C for about 45 minutes or until top is puffy and golden.

Let sit for 5 minutes to cool. Then slice and serve with a nice green salad for dinner, or as is for breakfast. With coffee. This can be refrigerated and served for lunch too.

You may call this Egg and Potato Bake, Frittata, or even Spanish Tortilla. You can vary the recipe. For example, I sometimes use sweet potato and regular potato in this this dish. I add in roasted red peppers and, if I can get them, roasted green chilies from New Mexico. You might like to add chopped ham, onions and mushrooms, whereas I run screaming from onions and mushrooms (and tofu, which is an abomination up there with instant coffee). If you choose to add more, layer the other stuff between and on top of potatoes.

Lust Object of the Day

Thank you, Maisey Yates, for snapping this pic at Disneyland of these awesome bag clips. Not really suitable for the kids, though, we think.