Rhyll Biest's Blog, page 18
February 22, 2014
Lust Object: Derpy Hooves Plush Toy
Does the Brony gentleman in your life make little squee noises when he sees My Little Pony on the TV screen first thing in the morning? Or maybe he has box sets, posters, T-shirts and underpants advertising his love of this cartoon crew to the world. Well, we've got a little something extra you can add to his already near-complete existence.
Because while you may not know it, there is a hole in your gentleman's life. It's a gaping chasm of angst, if you will.
After Derpygate, where the mentally challenged hooved horsie, Derpy Hooves was eradicated from the My Little Pony show, Bronies worldwide were traumatized. Oh yes. Severely traumatized... and suffering in silence.
But never fear! You can now help your loved one heal the wounds dealt by this travesty by giving him the Derby Hooves Plush Toy.
Buy it for your Brony and watch him hug it, caress it, squeeze it while looking at you with the kind of adoration that only a man who loves a kid's TV show can feel.
February 21, 2014
February 22 is...
World Sword Swallowers Day
The Lady Biest plans to put on her party pants and celebrate World Sword Swallowers Day by watching the Big Swallow. Don’t try this at home, kids! Please leave a comment telling us how you’re going to celebrate.
February 19, 2014
February 20 is...
Introduce a Girl to Engineering Day
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The Lady Biest would have given her left tit to be able to enroll in Engineering instead of Home Economics in high school. She needed Introduce a Girl to Engineering Day in the 80s and 90s. Anyone else feel the same?
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February 17, 2014
February 18 birthdays...
Matt Dillon (schwing!) Celebrate by watching Crash, Drugstore Cowboy or There’s Something About Mary.
Toni Morrison’s birthday. Celebrate by reading Tar Baby, Jazz or Beloved.
Molly Ringwald’s birthday. Celebrate by watching Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink or The Breakfast Club.
February 16, 2014
February 17 is...
Random Acts of Kindness Day
The Lady Biest’s heart is pure igneous, but Glitterpants likes that kindness stuff. If you really must be kind to others, check out the ideas at the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation. If you’re planning some random kindness (does planning it make it non-random?) or you receive some, please leave a comment and tell us about it.
February 14, 2014
February 15 is...
Nirvana Day
Nirvana Day is an annual Buddhist festival that remembers the death of the Buddha when he reached Nirvana at the age of 80. On Nirvana Day, Buddhists think about their lives and how they can work towards gaining the perfect peace of Nirvana. Please leave a comment telling us how you’re going to achieve Nirvana.
February is…
The humble franger goes by many names in many languages: naughty bag, penis hat, hardware holster, insurance glove, bullet-proof vest and safety tool. Just be glad you don’t live in Denmark where you’d need to ask for a svangerskabsforebyggendemiddel.
Want to know how pecker ponchos are made? Or techniques for putting one on? Watch the videos here. To celebrate, the Lady Biest plans to wear a condom ski mask-style all month. How are you going to celebrate?
National Women Inventors MonthSponsored by the Women Inventorz. The Lady Biest is going to celebrate by building her very own Franken-stud! He’ll be hot and adept at peeling grapes while fanning her lady parts.
National Spunky Old Broads MonthThe Lady Biest thought every month was Spunky Old Broads Month, but apparently not, only February is. If you’re a spunky old broad, or wish you were one, please leave a comment telling us how you’re going to celebrate.
National Library Lovers’ MonthLibraries and librarians are the duck’s nuts. Go have sex with a librarian or at least fondle some of their books. The Lady Biest plans to try to boff at least one librarian a day in February to show her love, and to do some nude camping in her local library between shelves with Dewey Decimal numbers from 700 to 900. If you’re in the US you can attend events here and anyone can download library love banners and buttons. (Love buttons, tee-hee.) How are you going to celebrate?
February 13, 2014
February 14 is...
V-Day is a global movement to end violence against women and girls. You can see their awesome website and organize your own V-Day event here, or just make a donation. We’d love to hear about V-Day events, so please paste a link in the comments section if you spot one or are planning one.
Valentine’s Day requires no explanation and if Valentine’s Day triggers your gag reflex be our anti-Valentine! We can send each other free anti-Valentine cards, or even pay for some really cool ones, and then we can refuse to hold hands, or listen to (on our own) Billy Bragg’s Valentine’s Day is Over, and (most importantly) not buy really crappy gifts for each other. Hurrah! As official sponsors of F U Valentine’s Day, the Naughty Ninjas are also running a special F U Valentine’s Day competition. Leave a comment and enter the draw to win a prize—it won’t be at all romantic, we promise!
Plus, if you loathe Valentine's Day, you might enjoy reading: The Valentine's Day Disaster by Lori Wilde, The Trouble With Valentine's Day by Rachel Gibson, or Hating Valentine's Day by Allison Rushby.
Or you could stay at home and bake yourself a nice cake, or make a super-satisfying Valentine Voodoo Pincushion (this toy is guaranteed not to break your heart or give you crabs).
How do ninjas celebrate Valentine’s Day? We thought you’d never ask…
Technically, ninjas don’t have hearts, but if they were to lose their heart to someone, they’d celebrate Valentine’s Day by:
Throwing their throwing stars into a perfect heart-shaped formation.Rubbing tabi boots together.Practice ‘monkey steals the peach’ together.Testing one another’s ambidexterity.Mixing up ‘bump and bruise’ formula for their loved one.Reading aloud from ‘Ninja Secrets of Invisibility’ and ‘Ninja Mind Control’ to each other.Rubbing sweaty masks together.Playing marbles with the testes of defeated foes.Sharing assassination tips.Holding invisible hands.
February 14: Not Everyone Loves Valentine's Day
“Valentine's Day is like herpes: just when you think its gone for good, it rears its ugly head once more. No wonder some people prefer to call it VD.” (Source: Be My Anti-valentine)
Think Valentine's Day needs a dynamite suppository? You’re not alone. A whole bunch of homies disagree that Valentine’s Day is super-dooper, smooshy sweet and lovely because only 61% of consumers in the US say they celebrate Valentine’s Day, according to a survey by the Retail Advertising and Marketing Association.
And in other countries the number of haters grows.
In India, Valentine's Day has been criticized as a form of western imperialism and neocolonialism, and political activist Subash Chouhan has threatened to ‘beat up’ couples who hug or kiss in public places on Valentine’s Day.
Iran is not exactly thrilled with cupid-loving cultural contamination from the West, either. In 2011, the state banned the printing and distribution of any goods promoting Valentine’s Day and threatened legal sanctions against those who didn’t comply. While in Malaysia, authorities went a step further and issued a fatwa in 2005 to warn Muslims against celebrating lust-inducing Valentine’s Day and arrested 100 Muslim couples in 2011 who defied the ban.
Likewise, in Saudi Arabia, religious police arrested more than 140 Muslims in 2012 for celebrating the holiday and confiscated all red roses from flower shops.
So if you’re travelling to any of those countries this Valentine’s Day, leave the red roses at home and don’t expect to find any heart-encrusted stuffies in the shops. And for those who truly and deeply despise Valentine's Day (go ahead, raise your hand), you can call those countries your ultimate February holiday destination.
January 31, 2014
Ding Dong McDork Appreciation
Ah, the mighty disco stick, where would writers be without it? Why, without them we’d have to resort to chaste hand-holding on beach scenes (and to boring insults like ‘chuckle-head’), so let’s all thank the gods of Ding Dong McDork for the dude piston and allow me to introduce you to some choice Glorious Glossary of Naughty Anatomy terms—with bonus examples of usage.
This glorious meat popsicle is the artwork of Ageta Karelus
Ankle spanker The duke clasped Letitia in a passionate embrace and his tumescent ankle spanker pressed against the layers of her petticoats.
Ding Dong McDork Lady Penelope yearned for the earl’s Ding Dong McDork to fill her snizz.
Disco stick “Please Lord Bastard, cudgel me with your disco stick until I see stars.”
Dude piston Thick and long, the earl’s dude piston thrust out from his groin, straining for her delicate lady touch.
Hairy hot dog Lady Quimverse often wished she’d been born a man so she didn’t have to ride side-saddle and could play with her hairy hot dog all day long, just like her cousin, Lord Peckerwood.
Kickstand Scarlett inspected the earl’s kickstand to check for sores. She’d worked in the brothel long enough to know that even noble clients could be poxy.
Man umbrella Princess Naïve wondered what the large bulge in the prince’s pants could be. Was it a man umbrella?
Meat popsicle The Duke of Essex felt his meat popsicle stir at the sight of Lady Penelope’s tidy ankles.
Middle stump The duke eyed his riding britches with disfavour; the seam tended to bifurcate his middle stump, a potentially fatal distraction while riding to hounds.
One-eyed trouser-snake The thought of marrying the earl and meeting his one-eyed trouser-snake vis a vis made Penelope quite faint.
Quiver bone Scarlett eyed the viscount’s mammoth quiver bone. He was so not planting that in her dugout without a copious serving of lubricant.
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