Rhyll Biest's Blog, page 13

Lust Object: Flying Spaghetti Monster Hat With Ear Flaps

If someone owns or buys one of these, send us a photo of you wearing it and we’ll send you two free books of your choice.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner

Yes, it's that time of the month when we pick a newsletter subscriber and give them stuff! April's winner is…Kate Belle. Go, Kate!

Kate's prize is a special bookmark handmade by Naughty Ninja Andra 'the Madame' Ashe. Andra has toiled day and night over her cross-stitching to make the bookmark which reads "fuck off, I'm reading". Heart-warming stuff.

Stay tuned for the next newsletter subscriber draw in May. Who knows, maybe you could win an inflatable unicorn hat for your cat or a Kraken shower curtain.

And if you haven't subscribed yet, whaddya waitin' for? Not only do newsletter subscribers go in the draw for monthly prizes, but they get advance notice of competitions, deals, releases and new posts. And they get all our earthy, slightly sweaty ninja love. You can sign up by entering your email address here.

Andra's hand-made bookmark is all the awesome.

April 26 is… Hug an Australian Day

Completely unrelated to Australia Day, Hug an Australian Day is an event we can all embrace (boom-boom). Here’s the Lady Biest’s list of Australians she’d like to hug:

·      Hugh Jackman

·      Sam Worthington

·      David Wenham

Who’s on your hugging list?

April 25 is… Hug a Plumber Day

Respect the plumber! After reading Rhyll the Lady Biest’s interview with plumbers, you know how lovely plumbers are and that all they wish for is world peace and to lay pipe. So on Hug A Plumber Day make sure you grapple one of these lovely, magical unicorn-like beasts (hook them by the back cleavage if necessary) and squeeeeeze!

April 23 is… Talk Like Shakespeare Day

Listen up ruttish, hedge-born horn-beasts, did you know that April 23, 2014 is Shakespeare’s 450th birthday? I shizz you not! And the Chicago Shakespeare Theatre has a whole website devoted to Talk Like Shakespeare Day with pages on everything from making your own ruff, Shakespearean insults and DNA encoded sonnets. Check out their pointers to talking like Shakespeare below.

Instead of you, say thou or thee (and instead of y’all, say ye).

Rhymed couplets are all the rage.

Men are Sirrah, ladies are Mistress, and your friends are all called Cousin.

Instead of cursing, try calling your tormenters jackanapes or canker-blossoms or poisonous bunch-back’d toads.

Don’t waste time saying "it," just use the letter "t" (’tis, t’will, I’ll do’t).

Verse for lovers, prose for ruffians, songs for clowns.

When in doubt, add the letters "eth" to the end of verbs (he runneth, he trippeth, he falleth).

To add weight to your opinions, try starting them with methinks, mayhaps, in sooth or wherefore.

When wooing ladies: try comparing her to a summer’s day. If that fails, say "Get thee to a nunnery!"

When wooing lads: try dressing up like a man. If that fails, throw him in the Tower, banish his friends and claim the throne.

Lust Object: Inflatable Unicorn Hats for Cats

What more can we say... seriously, what more can we say? If you want to get a hold of this blow up awesomeness, check it out here. 

April 21 is… Bulldogs are Beautiful Day

Stocky builds, saggy skin, perpetual frowns, a serious, slobbery underbite—what’s not to love? While bulldogs are lucky enough not to have body image issues, the Lady Biest would like to know what causes many of them to pass such vile wind. If you’re in on the great bulldog-fart conspiracy and know which way the wind blows and why it blows so ripe, let us know. As for bulldogs in romance, well, our very own Glitterpants has one in Irrepressible You.

April 20 is... Weed Day

Stoners unite! If your favourite sporting event is the ‘wake and bake’, then Weed Day is sure to put a little smile on your stoned dial. It’s amazing the amount of language that has evolved around the practice of mowing the lawn, and the Lady Biest shares her extensive drug slang (all gained via internet research) below.

 

Assassin of youth (marijuana)

Atom bomb (marijuana mixed with heroin)

Baked (high on marijuana)

Barnyard hay  (poor quality weed)

Blast a joint (to smoke marijuana)

Boot the gong (to smoke marijuana)

Candy sticks (marijuana cigarettes laced with powdered cocaine)

Clam bake (sitting inside a car or other small, enclosed space and smoking marijuana)

Dusting  (adding PCP, heroin, or another drug to marijuana)

Fly mexican airlines (to smoke marijuana)

Fry sticks (marijuana cigarettes dipped in embalming fluid, sometimes also laced with PCP)

Herb and al (marijuana and alcohol)

Shotgun (inhaling marijuana smoke forced into one's mouth by another's exhaling).

Where can you find some romance characters blasting a joint together, I hear you ask. (Yes, sometimes I imagine hearing the questions I want to hear.) Try the urban fantasy novel Unholy Ghost by Stacia Kane. It has a soupçon of romance. Happy pot-smoking heroes and heroines are hard to find in romance, perhaps because they’d be too stoned to give a shit about their core conflict.

 

Lust Object: Sea Creations Shower Curtain

Let's face it. Glitterpants has a thing for looking at giant tentacled things while she's giving herself her daily scouring in the shower. 

If you've got a thing for the Kraken as well, find your fix here.

April 16 is... Save The Elephant Day

Big as a house, slow-moving, beautiful long eyelashes, long prehensile trunk…those things and more are why the Lady Biest feels such an affinity with the elephant. So the fact that an estimated 100 African elephants are killed each day by poachers seeking ivory, meat and body parts bothers her no end. The Lady Biest plans to sign the petition at World Elephant Day and maybe she’ll pen some naughty were-elephant erotica (because elephants deserve smut too) which may see some naughty poachers shagged to death. Accidentally, of course.