Leon Scott Baxter's Blog, page 16

Sues Her for Ugly Kids

I read this piece (http://cheezburger.com/7890708224) and have spoken with many people who have strong feelings about it. What are your thoughts?

Apparently this man was sure his wife cheated on him because his children were too ugly for him to have bored. So, she took a DNA test to prove that he was the father. Yet, apparently she had neglected to tell her husband that before they met she had over $100,ooo worth of plastic surgery work done. The husband felt she had misrepresented herself as well as tricked him into thinking that they would have “attractive” children based on the combination of the two parents. So, he sued her and won $120,000.

He claimed “I married my wife out of love, but as soon as we had our first daughter, we began having marital issues.”

So, where do we start? One thing I think cannot be denied is that the guy is a jerk for publicly decreeing that his flesh and blood, his three children, are ugly. Come on, dude. You’re still their father. Keep it behind closed doors. They have feelings. Stop yelling to the world things like, “Our daughter was so incredibly ugly, to the point where it horrified me.”

I do understand that he suspected his wife of cheating. If you look at the pictures, you can see that the kids look nothing like either parent; therefore it’s reasonable to presume another set of DNA might be involved.

What about marrying a woman who appears beautiful only to find out she wasn’t always? This is where things get a bit dicey. Is he a jerk for getting ticked-off once he learned that his wife wasn’t always the way she is now? Don’t we marry for the connection we make, and not the outside? The truth is, the outside attracts us, hopefully long enough to get to know the inside, where we make the real connection. Did they make a real connection, or was he only smitten with the beauty she bought?

Even if he was truly in love with her, if he planned n having children, is it fair that he was disappointed because he was never prepared to know his wife’s true DNA potentials, or is he being a dipstick because you love your kids no matter? (By the way, I don’t know that he doesn’t love his kids)

FInally, though, what about her? Was she wrong? Obviously in a court of law she was, but what about the court of love? She changed her appearance before she met her hubby. Should she have told him this before they were married, or is that a secret that she’s allowed to keep? This is where I am torn. People should be allowed their secrets. And, if that secret attracted a spouse, that’s fine: push up bras, chicken cutlets under boobs, hair extensions, padded booties, etc… But, $100,000 worth is a bunch of cutting! Does the husband have the right to know…especially if he plans to have kids that look like him and his wife?

Interesting dilemma. I’d love for you to chime in!

Call Him Maybe

So, Miley Cyrus… you either love her antics or you hate them. She’s making waves. She’s getting air time. Her name’s in the headlines, and her new album is climbing the charts. So, does this mean she’s all grown up? Well, if you look at her relationship antics, I’d have to say…not quite.

Apparently her ex, actor Liam Hemsworth, was spotted with actress Eiza Gonzalez, just one day after he and Cyrus announced their split. As a result, Cyrus decided to hand out her ex’s cell number to complete strangers at a music festival. 

So, here’s my take on this. Maybe he was a jerk. Maybe he hurt her emotionally. I don’t know, but I could surmise he did, yet that doesn’t give Hannah MonTwerker the right to pass out his personal cell number to fans…especially since the couple had already called it quits. Yes, Hemsworth hooked up with another woman too soon, but he  was no longer committed to Cyrus. He’s a full-grown, big boy.

When you are hurt in a relationship, often it feels like the best thing to do is to hurt back. But, that doesn’t fix anything. You don’t feel better. You just feel good for a moment because you hurt the person who hurt you. Grown up people need to have grown up relationships, which include grown up responses to tough situations. So, wag your tongue, lick a sledge hammer and get naked as much as you want, Miley, but grow up while you’re at it. 

It’s Time for “The Talk”

I love me some Shark Tank, a reality show where entrepreneurs try to get investors to give them some cash for a piece of their up and coming business. Last night there was a couple on that promised a new product for to help couples communicate better and strengthen their relationships. I couldn’t wait.

Here’s the concept/product. It’s a stuffed elephant in a covered plastic box called Elephant Chat. Instead of telling your significant other, “We have to have a talk,” you just uncover the boxed elephant (the elephant in the room) and your partner knows there’s an issue. You know that you need to tread lightly and clear some space/time to have a sit-down with your partner. During the conversation, the only person who is allowed to talk is the one with the elephant. When the conversation is done, Peanut goes back into his box, you cover it up, then leave it out in a conspicuous place for the next “big talk”.

All this for only sixty bucks! Yeah, I know. That’s a tank of gas for a four-dollar toy in a box. I could grab a stuffed toy from my daughter’s closet, stick it in a shoe box and I’ve got the same thing. The investors weren’t having any of it. The price was ludicrous and it would have been

image from ElephantChat.com

bad money invested, and I agree. But, even if the price-point were much lower, I’m still not sold on the idea.

I love anything that will help open the lines of communication in a relationship, but I think the elephant really is taking an additional step away from communication. Instead of talking about an issue, now you have to use a toy to tell your spouse that you want to talk. 

I teach kids writing skills. When they learn about paragraphs I talk about the introduction sentence: “Don’t tell me what you’re going to tell me. Just tell me!” So instead of “This is a story about a boy at a zoo,” I want to read, “Johnny loved the zoo.” Get to it, straight to the pint. If you start telling us, we’ll know soon enough what you want to tell us.

That’s how I feel about the elephant. With that elephant’s trunk looming when I come home from work, my wife is telling me, “We need to talk.” Now I have all kinds of anxiety: “Is this a huge issue? How serious?” I can’t enjoy myself knowing that a “talk” is imminent. I believe saying “We need to talk” or putting out a stuffed animal that says the same thing just creates tension, when all that needs to be done is start talking: “I wanted to remind you about the toilet seat, Phil. I fell in again.”

Sure, there are times when you need to announce a talk: there’s substance abuse, you’ve been impregnated by another man, you’ve lost the family saving at the craps table, you’re going to ask for a divorce, but for the minor “issues” just talk about them when they arise. No need for a build up and making a mountain out of an elephant.

Long-Distance Cheat?

Halloween Treats

Halloween is just around the corner. The kids will be dressing up, knocking on the neighbors’ doors and looking for treats. Well, we adults can learn a little something from this tradition, as well. Take the opportunity this time of the year to consider dressing up your relationship. 

When you’ve been with the same partner year after year, things can get monotonous, even downright boring. The same routine, the same peck on the lips, the same Wednesday night routine of Modern Family and popcorn.

What happens is that we often become too comfortable with our partners. The excitement wanes, and that doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed, but adding a little spice can be fun and wake up the sleeping passion of yesteryear. So, grab a costume and save if for a day the kids are gone and break it out surprising your spouse, or, better yet, both of you plan on being someone else: Batman saves the French maid, or the chef meets the fireman.It can be silly. It can be sexy. But, it will definitely be different. You’ll break the monotony that we all create after years of togetherness.

Take to whichever level you want, but have fun with it. Be silly. And, who knows, maybe you’ll get a little treat with your trick. Happy Halloween.

Adult in Nature

When I post, I do my best to stay away from controversial issues: politics, religion, gay marriage, etc… But, I keep seeing this topic pop up and I feel it necessary to chime in. 

I keep reading that pornography is terrible for marriage, that it should not be consumed by couples because it can only do harm to a relationship, and never good. So, here’s the thing, I don’t think mine or anyone else’s word on this subject should have anything to do with our personal feelings about the topic, but instead about if it can be helpful or hurtful in a relationship.

And, of course, pornography can be hurtful, as can almost anything else, in a relationship, if abused or overused. The same can be said about work, eating potato chips and even honesty. It makes no difference what my personal beliefs are about pornography, how it affects me morally, if I use it or not. My words in this post need to discuss if it

©iStockphoto.com/OJO_Images

‘s helpful or not.

Personally, I would never have an open relationship, one where I date women other than my wife. That wouldn’t work for me/us. I wouldn’t go to swinging clubs. But, there are couples that do these things, and it works for their marriages. If a couple came to me and asked if I would recommend they incorporate a third person into the bedroom, I would tell them that I would not suggest it, but not based on what I do in my bedroom, but because most relationships cannot sustain incorporating a third party into the mix…but some can! And, they do it well. And, who am I to tell them it’s wrong and that they should stop? If it works for all parties involved, no one is being hurt, and everyone is an adult and agrees to it, if it adds more to the relationship, jump in with both feet.

If pornography in a relationship leads to one partner objectifying the other, if it is driving a wall between the couple, if it becomes an addiction, or takes away from other aspects of life, then like alcohol or cookies, it’s not healthy and needs to be done away with. But, there are also couples who use it as a tool to bring them closer sexually and through physical intimacy. If pornography enhances a relationship and nothing is being lost, why proclaim that it’s bad or wrong? Pornography, like chips, exercise, honesty and wine is not inherently “bad”. It just needs to be used in moderation in couples who find it works for them.

The majority of sources that these claims are coming from seem to be religious in nature. Look, if pornography is morally wrong due to your religion, then say that. That’s fine. If you don’t agree with it personally, that’s yours, mine and anyone’s prerogative. But, you can’t come out with a blanket statement and claim it ruins all marriages. If you believe it objectifies women, that’s a different topic. If it takes productive time from work and home projects, that, too is a different topic. If you believe that it’s a waste of money during a time when so many families are struggling financially, you may have a point. But, you have to ride that argument.

If  you want to abolish pornography, don’t tell us it ruins the sanctity of every marriage it touches, because it doesn’t. It can, but it doesn’t always. Alcohol, sugar and deep frying, like pornography, is not inherently bad. It depends on how it’s being used, how much of it is used, and by whom.

A Household Shutdown Could Be Imminent

The U.S. government is threatening yet another shut down. That means if things don’t get straightened out in time, the government will be lounging while we, the American citizens, pay the consequences. It’s funny, the Democrats and Republicans can’t seem to figure things out, so “We, the people” suffer.

It reminds me a little of author, Sherri Mills, who wrote I Almost Divorced My Husband, But I Went On Strike Instead. In her book, Mills recounts the frustration she felt being taken for granted as a mother and a wife. She’d work her full-time job, then come home and be expected to make dinner, clean the home, have sex, help with homework, make lunches, etc… She complained and got angry, but nothing changed until she went on strike, a “household shutdown”. She said she was done. She sat on the couch and let her husband take over her roles. After nearly a week, Hubby started to appreciate Mills and started getting the kids to step up. 

Mills eventually crossed her own picket-line and the shutdown was over. And, she claims that her relationship with her husband has not been the same since. He appreciates her. he helps out around the hu]ouse. And, their marriage is sweeter because of it.

Will we have the same results when our government shuts down? I doubt it. Because we’re not the ones who need to learn a lesson. It’s the politicians who do. Why aren’t we just deducting their pay, and when the shutdown is over, enforcing a minimum wage salary for them for the next six months? They are the ones that need to step up, right?

As for marriages, do you like Mills idea of a household shutdown? She says it was hard, but worth doing. Would you have done the same? Let me know. In the meantime, we will cross our fingers and hope the politicians can figure this out as well as Mills and her hubby.

 

 

Is Gorga the Next Relationship Guru?

If you follow my posts, you know I like me a little reality TV now and again, but I have never watched any of the Real Housewives programs. I know who a few of them are; Nene and Teresa (seen them on The Apprentice) and now there’s Melissa Gorga who wants to extend her 15 minutes of fame via her new book, Love Italian Style. Like I said, I haven’t watched her on her program, yet I have already created an image in my mind about who she is: superficial, materialistic, high maintenance, self-absorbed and celebrity-seeking. Could I be wrong? Absolutely. So, if I am, please forgive me.

Yet, that’s why I already have doubts that she has the ability to write a book on how to have a successful relationship. I saw a few of the tips from her book in Us Magazine. Some of them were actually pretty spot on:

• Don’t fake an orgasm (I agree. trust and honesty are crucial in a marriage. And, if you fake it, you may resent him.)

• Work out together (Right on. Keeping fit is easiest if you do it with someone. And, if that someone is your partner, exercise can be sexy.)

• Get busy – often. (Thumbs up. The more sex a couple has, the more they connect. Even when you aren’t feeling it, often if you just go with it, your body follows through and you start feeling it.)

But, I’m not so keen on “Treat your husband like a king.” Gorga claims she greets her man at the door with a drink every night. Sure, that would be cool and all, but is it really a precedent you want to set, putting your man on a pedestal that tells him that you are alive for his happiness? Surprise him at the door now and then, but don’t train him to expect it.

I guess I’ll have to read the book to see if she has more hits or more misses.

Love at Homecoming

Yesterday was my freshman daughter’s homecoming game. She’s on the cheerleading team. It was a close game. The score went back and forth. The final was 33 to 38; we were victorious! The energy was palpable. It took me back to homecoming for me when I was in high school, 1986. I remember that day. All was perfect. I felt like nothing could go wrong. There’d been this girl I had thought was cute, but was too fearful to ever approach, and at the homecoming rally, I asked her to the dance the next weekend. She agreed and that lead to us going out committed to one another for a few months. She was my first “love”. Eventually she broke my heart and I was devastated.

I was thinking of my daughter imagining a young man asking her to the dance, and him actually “falling in love” with her. It was a bit of a scary thought for me. thankfully nothing of the sort happened (at least, nothing that she’s shared with me). But, it got me thinking about love and what it means to us. Looking back to 1986 and the emotions I attached to “love” is almost laughable today. The feelings I have for my wife today far exceed the feelings I had my teen years. The love I feel today is deeper and stronger and the bonds are not easily broken.

What I called love back then was weak and superficial and shallow on some levels. Yet, I still believe it was love…for me, at the time.

Love is a word that we all use. And everyone seems to understand its meaning, yet there is no one standard that we can all agree upon. What I feel for my wife today is love. What my neighbor feels for his wife may be ten times more than what I feel or could be ten times less. So, then what is love? I see it as the strongest emotional feeling you have for another. Period. So, my love is allowed to be different than yours. And, your love is allowed to evolve. Therefore we can’t discount young love as not being legit. It is love, just maybe different than our own. 

One day my daughter is going to tell me she is in love, and I will know that her first love will probably not be her last. Her next will be stronger and deeper, until one day she settles on a “love” that feels right. And, even that love will evolve and redefine itself. But, until then, I am happy with her cheering at football games and focusing on her geometry homework.

He’s Gun-Shy