Leon Scott Baxter's Blog, page 17

The Marriage Debate

I’m America’s Relationship Guru. I do my best to stay away from issues that divide the nation. I don’t want people to avoid accepting my advice because they disagree with my political or other views. So, when headlines across the nation announced state after state legally accepting gay marriage, I kept my hat out of the ring.

But, I felt I needed to talk “around” the topic today. 

Have you heard of Erika Le Tour Eiffel? She’s a 42-year old former soldier who resides in San Francisco. What, you haven’t heard about her? No uproar in the nation? Didn’t make front page news? No rallies or marches against her? Why do I ask? Because of her marital status. In 2008 Erika married The Eiffel Tower. What?! Yes, seriously. Is it legal? Probably not? Is it sanctioned by a church? I’m sure it wasn’t.

But, here’s my confusion. Shouldn’t we have people everywhere marching against this, the same people who say that marriage should only be between a man and a woman? It was Adam and Eve, right? Not, Tower and Eve.

I know it’s pretty silly for a woman to marry a structure, but I don’t understand why it’s apparently accepted more than a woman marrying a woman or a man marrying a man. Again, I’m not trying to get into a debate as to whether or not gay marriage is morally okay or not, but I wouldn’t mind a debate regarding why those who are against gay marriage aren’t so vocal about Erika and her husband. 

Maybe because she’s a rare case, right? Well, what about Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer who married the Berlin Wall or Amy Wolfe who married a rollercoaster, Lee Jin-gyu who married his pillow, Bimbala Das who married a snake, the man who married a a character from a video game. Should I continue? 

People do this. Yes, it’s odd. I’m not here to say if it should be done or not, but I just want to know why there’s not more of a stink from those who are the “marriage-is-only-between-man-and-a-woman” chanters.

Marriage is a beautiful thing if it makes everyone happy and it’s about love. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Playing Hooky Already?

It’s that time of year, yet again…back to school, when binders and backpacks go on sale, when summer winds down and little tummies are filled with butterflies anticipating meeting the new teacher. It also means that the house is empty during the day, adults at work, kids in the classroom. But, it doesn’t have to be.

Once school is back in session, the kids are not the only ones who can play hooky. This is the perfect time for your and your spouse to call in sick to work. Summer with the kids can be great: the beach, an amusement park, backyard bar-b-q’s, a road trip here and there, but there’s not a lot of “mom and Dad” time. So, now that the kids are heading back to class, take advantage of the empty house and fill it up.

Both you and your spouse pick a convenient day to play hooky. Call in using your best “flu voice”. Take the kids to school. Then, come back home and enjoy each other. Don’t go out and possibly run into someone you don’t want to see. Don’t post on Twitter or Facebook. Just crawl into bed and get “caught up” with your significant other.

Make love. Watch TV together. Order Chinese. Shower as a couple. Nap. Be decadent. DOn’t be productive. Focus on each other. Have a lazy love day. 

It’s remarkable what one day away from the kids and work alone with your partner in your home can do to jump start your marriage. The things they never teach you in school!

Love Ain’t That Blind

Do you follow The Real Housewives of New Jersey? I don’t. Never seen one episode, but that doesn’t make me any better than anyone else, because I still have my reality show vices, which include The Celebrity Apprentice, where I was first introduced to Teresa Giudice. If you are a Housewives junkie, then you probably are already aware of the fact that Teresa and her hubby Guiseppe (“Joe”), have both been indicted on 39 counts from conspiracy to commit fraud, to fabricating W2 forms, to hiding their money in a bankruptcy filing.

If they are found guilty of the charges, the couple could be sent away for literally hundreds of years. Yikes! So, what’s a “Housewife”/cookbook author to do? Well, according to Star Magazine, Teresa seems to be ready to throw Joe under the bus as the mastermind behind the shenanigans, stating that she let him have control of all the financial aspects of the relationship carte blanche. Apparently she’s considering claiming she had no idea that she had married a fraud and that he should get the brunt of the consequences, while she be let free to star in another season of her program.

Look, love may be blind, but it’s not deaf and dumb, too. The couple have been hitched since 2001. How could she not know what was going on? She did! She just doesn’t want to go to jail, and I get that. Neither do I! But, is the fear of paying for your dirty deeds stronger than your love for your husband? I mean, if I were in this boat, would I throw my wife under the bus or would I fess up and take it like a housewife? I’d like to think that my love for my wife would be stronger than my fear of prison. But, I guess, on top of that, you also have the fact that the couple has four daughters. If they are both gone, someone else will be forced to raise them.

Put yourself in Teresa’s shoes. What would you do, take it like a woman or give up your husband for freedom?

Married Because of the Siblings

A recent study out of Ohio State University claims that the more siblings you have the better your odds are of getting married, and once married, the better chance you will refrain from divorce. If this is indeed fact, it’s too bad we have no control in the matter. And, even if we did, as kids growing up, we wouldn’t have put much effort into our future marital status anyway.

So, now that we’re all grown up, what do we do if  we were only-children or just had a sibling or two? Is there any way we can reverse the odds of being single? Well, the sociologists who  presented the findings didn’t claim to know just why it worked this way, but we can speculate. When you are raised in a large family, you need to learn control. You have to accept the idiosyncrasies of your brothers and siblings. If you don’t there’ll be nothing but arguments and fighting. You also need to know how to create alliances with one another to make it through the tough times. On top of that, children in large families learn to be okay without being in the spotlight 24/7 or having all of their parents’ attention all the time.

That means that if we want to get married and stay married, even if we were only-children growing up, that we need to integrate some of these “big-family” traits into our lives as soon as possible. First, learn self-control. No one wants to spend their life with someone who flies off the handle at the drop of a hat. So, take things in stride. Think things through before you react.o

Second, when you find the object of your desire, don’t just make him or her your lover; make them your friend. Build an alliance with them, someone you can trust and go to, as well as being the person that they want to be around and that they can communicate with on a level other than spouse. 

And, finally, don’t be the attention hog. Find out what your spouse needs and wants. Fulfill needs without having to be asked. Focus on your partner, and let him/her focus on you. 

If the sociologists from Ohio State are on point, these skills may not only help you land a partner, but keep them.

Snug as a Bug

(©iStockphoto.com:STEEX)

A woman from Rochester, New York named Jacqueline has made a business out of snuggling…no joke! She has created the Snuggery, a place where clients can come and snuggle with her or her associate, Colleen, for a price. There are strict rules for this non-sexual touch. A client and a “snuggler” wear loose comfy clothes or pajamas and hop into bed for 45 to 90 minutes. The client can be the spooner or the spoonee, and having both snugglers available for a session is an option.

How can a person make a business out of snuggling? According to the website, “(r)esearch provides us with ample evidence that physical contact with others has a positive effect on our physical and mental health…When we are engaged in touch, our brains produce more serotonin and oxytocin. Both of these chemicals make us calm and happy and contribute to an overall sense of well-being and relaxation that is pleasurable and healthy. Touch demonstrably stimulates regions of our brain that are known to produce pleasant, pleasurable feelings. Studies have also shown that touch reduces stress and anxiety for up to five days after it occurs. Stress and anxiety both aggravate numerous physical and mental health conditions.”

Touch is so crucial to our well-being that people will pay for it, non-sexually, from strangers. It’s that good! So, if you have a significant other already, you can forego the sixty dollar an hour fee and the commute to New York and get the same effects right at home in your own bed… with the person you have dedicated yourself to. Make time for the next week to touch your significant other more: hold hands, hug when you greet and depart, rub her shoulders, massage his neck, and when you go to bed, try Jacqueline’s techniques before you nod off to Dreamland: snuggle. Hold each other for a few minutes. If need be, switch off. According to the studies associated with The Snuggery’s website, you will reduce your blood pressure, the stress hormone, cortisol, will reduce, and you will find yourself much calmer, happier and more productive.

Give it a shot. Can’t hurt to try. 

Don’t Get On That Plane

Hollywood portays an image of love that with last minute romantic decisions, violins in the background and an embrace that makes everyone finally exhale after holding their breaths, even though they all knew how it would turn out. And, so many of us strive for that kind of heart-palpatating expereince to know that we really are in love. The funny thing is, that’s not life. That’s what a writer imagined life would be like if everything were perfect. But, the truth is, life isn’t perfect. Therefore love rarely looks the way it does in the movies. Rarely is there a mad dash through an airport to stop the love of your life from getting on that flight that will change the course of events forever.

Writer Lisa-Jo Baker wrote an excellent piece that draws a picture of the reality of her relationship with her loving husband, and she says there is no dash through an airport. Please read this. Love for most of us is the mundane and the normal, not the cinematic, and it’s easy to overlook these acts because of what Hollywood has told us to expect. Reading her article reminds us that love may not be made for the movies, but we can still find it in our spaces in the commonplace acts of assistance and support. 

After reading her piece look at your partner differently and think of the little (and big) things he/she does for you. And, then be sure you are doing them, too, for your partner. And, if there ever comes a time that you know he or she just shouldn’t get on that flight, and you just need to say “I love you” to make things right, don’t go charging through the airport. TSA agents are sure to stop and detain you, thus missing your big moment and ending up in Transportation Security Administration detention until the whole thing is straightened out. I know it’s not as romantic as the movies, but just send a text: “I love you. Don’t get on that plane.

He Jumped In Too Soon

Honey Boo Boo’s Daddy Proposes

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is back on Tv. My daughters love the show. Although I never turn on the reality show about a family living in Georgia, when my daughters are watching it, I tend to find something to do in the room and “sneak” a peek. Yes, I admit it, the TLC series is one of my weaknesses… I’m not proud.

I was watching this week, and 41-year old Sugar Bear, the father figure of the show, had planned to ask his girlfriend of nine years, 33-year old June (Mama) to marry him for the third time.

June is the mother of four girls under twenty and Sugar Bear fathered, the youngest, Alana (Honey Boo Boo). Sugar Bear loves his chewing tobacco, works as a chalk miner, and loves the 260-pound-plus, Mama. 

As I was sneaking a peek at the episode, I wondered what it was that made June decline Sugar Bear’s first two proposals. She obviously loves the hat-wearing, seven-day-a-week-working miner. He’s the calmest member of a very loud, nose-picking, flatulating family, that lives alongside the railroad tracks. Sugar Bear seems to me the best thing that has happened to this family. 

June’s not much of a romantic and has declined each subsequent proposal.

We all know how this is going to end, because the tabloids printed photos of the May wedding, with June wearing a camouflage dress and Sugar Bear in his orange vest. Yet, it was still an intense television moment as Sugar Bear was incredibly nervous as he took Alana to the local pawn shop to pick out June’s ring (he traded in a turkey deep fryer to get a better deal). Sugar Bear got rid of the kids, had one of the girls cook up some chicken, and sprinkled rose pedals from the front door to the family dining room which also serves as Junes extreme coupon stock pile (loads of toilet paper).

When June arrived home she wanted to know what the heck was going on. Sugar Bear had the family chicken in a cage on the dining room table alongside a nest with a plastic golden egg which he claims Alana said was laid by the chicken (I’m guessing the pawn shop ring is in there). Sugar Bear was stumbling over his words as he sat at the table in his “funeral shirt” (you know Sugar Bear is serious when he’s wearing his funeral shirt). He grabbed Mama’s hand and told her, “It would be a great honor…would you marry me and be my wife?”

What’s my point? Yes, this family is pretty silly in many respects. The couple is an interesting twosome, but I LOVED how serious Sugar Bear took this third proposal, and his attempts at creating a romantic atmosphere, even after nine years. There’s never any excuse at not giving in to romance… even if you have a chicken on the dining room table.

I’ve Lied

Don’t You Roll Those Eyes At Me!

Yesterday my local radio station asked a question along the lines of, “What is it that a partner does while their spouse is talking that is the best indicator of impending divorce?” I guessed it was yawning. Wrong! The answer was roll their eyes. It got me thinking that if you just keep your eyes fixed, you can avoid a divorce, but itn reality, that’s not the case at all.

If you think about it as a medical affliction, using that logic, divorce is the symptom of eye-roling. The truth is, divorce and eye-rolling are both the symptom of a much bigger affliction. See, there’s an issue in the relationship, and if you are an eye-roller, you have gotten to the point where whatever your partner says is ridiculous and you don’t respect their words. Rolling your eyes is an early symptom of this affliction. Where divorce is a later stage of the malady.

Here’s a list of additional symptoms from the website, EveryoneGetsDivorced.com (http://everyonegetsdivorced.com/2012/...

Twirl pointer finger in a circle at temple, i.e., make international ‘cuckoo’ sign
Cover your ears and hum/loudly speak gibberish
Answer pretend “phone call” and proceed to have a long conversation with what sounds like a lover while really only holding your own hand to your ear
Tie an imaginary noose
Pantomime vomiting

So, if you want to avoid divorce, you need to do more than refrain from rolling your eyes. Here’s the skinny; if you feel the need to roll your eyes, that’s a sign that your affliction could lead to divorce. It’s not the eye-rolling that’s the problem. Remember, that’s only a symptom. So, figure out what it is that makes you want to answer an imaginary phone or make the cuckoo sign and start to work on it, before your affliction becomes too severe to treat.