Albie Cullen's Blog, page 10

A Day In The Life

Someone asked me what is a day in the life of a famous author like? Well, I'll tell you.

I wake up most mornings around 7. The only reason I feel like getting out of bed is to crawl under it. The Lovely Old Lady (LOL) is usually already upset by some meaningful misstep on my part (like allowing the daily, morning surf report on my iPhone to "ding").

I drag my old, tired behind out of bed. I guzzle a Red Bull and some coca leaves and we are at least moving. After showering and getting to the office there is usually an e-mail from the bank. The e-mail advises me that there will be another (as in third or fourth) $375 non-refundable, miscellaneous charge in connection with my mortgage application. Also if I could fax my billing records from the last ten years I might get a loan.

I then speak with the real estate broker who assures me (for the third time in three weeks) that the other unit in the building will close this week and then I can close. I mention I have not received any of the necessary legal documents. The broker says call the lawyer.

I e-mail the lawyer beacuse I can't take his BS over the phone anymore. He assures me (for the sixth straight week) that I will have the documents. When I do receive a document it usually has the wrong address for starters.

I then head to court where all of my guilty clients with lengthy criminal records complain that they are the victim. Since I have not adequately portrayed this to the judge, the clients insist on speaking to the judge directly. They talk the judge into giving them two additional years on average.

If God is kind there will be some waves. After convincing the LOL she CAN drive a little car I get the surf mobile and gun it for the coast. If there are no waves a run and an AA meeting will usually restore me to sanity at least temporarily.

I then get home and work tirelessly on novels that no one will ever read. All the while the LOL watches episode after episode of the Bachelor Pad on demand.

"Up on housing project hill/It's either fortune or fame/You must pick one or the other/Though neither of them are to be what they claim."

I retire to the stoop chain smoking cigars and drinking poppy tea. I wonder how I am going to make it through another day.

"I read the news today, oh boy/About a lucky man who made the grade/and though the news was rather sad/Well, I just had to laugh/I saw the photograph/He blew his mind out in a car/he didn't notice that the light had changed.

KOKO

I Stand Corrected

In the "I ain't often right but I've never been wrong" category I was pretty sure the two dumbest shows on television were The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. A competition between young men and women long on looks, short on brains and without a thread of common sense between them. Man was I wrong.

I came home after I nice surfing session prepared to watch the Patriots pre-season game. As soon as I walked in the door I froze. I heard voices I never expected to hear again. I was frozen like being called from the grave. They were the voices of the losers of the most recent Bachelor and Bachelorette season. (If you lose this competition of narcissistic nitwits you are really a loser).

I guess the show is Bachelor Pad where these IQ-less, egomaniacs vote against each other in quest for a $250,000 grand prize. The first thing that struck me was how desperate these men and women were for the money. I mean six months ago they were all self-made millionaires according to their resumes.

Then I wondered what will these well coiffed mental midgets do next as the clock ticks fourteen minutes and fifty-nine seconds. I'm thinking at best bartender and at worst in the case of Vienna the last woman selected by the unemployed, imbecile Bachelor Jake to be his wife: hard porn.

Finally it wasn't just the existence of the show that caught me by surprise it was the time slot as the Bachelor usually is limited to ruining my Monday nights. The Bachelor Pad is On Demand.

KOKO

US Attorney An Injustice To Us All

Sometime in 2000 a Boston firefighter, Albert Arroyo claimed he had hurt his back. Seems the only thing Boston firefighters do more often than fight fires is claim disability. A few years later in an unwitnessed accident the same firefighter claimed he was totally disabled due to a fall in an abandoned firehouse. He claimed even lifting a single piece of paper caused excruciating pain. Just weeks before being approved for a $65,000 a year, tax free pension the Boston Globe discovered said firefighter competing in body building competitions on YouTube lifting several hundred pounds of weights.

Boston's US Attorney Carmen Ortiz in a cheap publicity grab charged Mr. Arroyo with two counts of mail fraud. On trial the past few weeks in Federal Court Arroyo asserted the defense popularized in the Steely Dan song, "My Old School" with the line "I can't seem to get to you through the US Mail". As far as I can tell neither the US Mail, the US Post Office or even the pony express were mentioned once by the government during the course of a trial. After just 4 hours (an extraordinarily short period of deliberation for a federal case) the jury came back, "Not Guilty".

Ms. Ortiz like most prosecutors believed Mr. Arroyo like all criminal defendants was guilty in her opinion. Therefore he was guilty and the trial was a mere formality. In response to the verdict the US Attorney was quick to criticize the jury saying she was "disappointed" in both them and the verdict. Fortunately, jurors are the last thing that stands between us and prosecutors like Ortiz who overcharge and then are inept at prosecuting criminal cases.

Starting with OJ and then Casey Anthony the prosecutors and the media have been quick to blame jurors. How about blaming the government lawyers whose focus is on building their own resumes and thereby egos rather than building a case beyond a reasonable doubt.

Regardless of the verdict why has Ortiz not explained why the federal government spent millions to prosecute a non-violent firefighter with no criminal record? Why are we chasing Major League baseball players? Certainly not because they "lied" to Congress, George Bush and Dick Cheney lied to Congress on an hourly basis in the days leading up to the Iraq War.

By my estimate cumulatively a kilo in heroin is sold in South Boston every day. Why hasn't the federal government prosecuted a single drug trafficker? Almost forgot they don't like prosecuting their business partners.

KOKO

An Open Letter To President Obama

I was at a reunion of sorts yesterday and many people couldn't believe how critical I have been of our President. I'm still a little confused how anyone could be anything but critical. But given that's it easier to simply crticize and be negative (a fact I learned mostly from the Lovely Old Lady (LOL)) I thought I would ask Mr. Obama his side of the story.

Dear Mr. President,

The purpose of this letter is not to criticize your past performance, although I think even you would agree that you have not made as much progress as you had hoped. Rather the purpose is to try and determine how you intend to proceed over the next two years. I realize that you are a busy man, but myself and I think most of the American people would appreciate the courtesy of a reply.

1. Will you be supporting budget cuts that don't also call for a tax on wealthy Americans? Will you require that corporate loopholes that presently allow Big Oil and conglomerates like GE to operate tax-free be closed? Will you require Wall Street money managers to be taxed on multi-million dollar bonuses as ordinary income as opposed to capital gains? If you do not intend to require tax reform in exchange for budget cuts please explain how the middle class can continue to pay the way for both the rich and the poor in this country. Please explain why grandmothers have to get by on less while the rich receive government services tax-free?

2. Will you end the two wars in Afghanistan and Iraq? If not please explain how the loss of another American life will make a difference and thereby not be in vain. Please explain how leaving in a month, a year or even ten years will be any different than if we left tomorrow?

3. Remind me again how the billions of dollars of cash sent in the form of aid to Afghanistan and Pakistan benefits the United States?

4. Please explain why the Justice Department has allowed the Madoff family to keep several hundred million dollars of ill gotten gains while the victims have yet to receive a nickel. Please explain how spending several years, several million dollars and enduring several embarrasing FBI moments trying Whitey Bulger in Boston makes sense. Please explain why trying Mr. Bulger in Florida or Oklahoma isn't in the government's best interest.

Thank you for your time Mr. President.

KOKO

Dues Can't Be Paid In Cash

In a last minute move a third band, JD and the Straight Shots was added to last Sunday's Chris Robinson Brotherhood/J. Geil's Band bill. Who is JD and the Straight Shots, you ask? Are they another Boston band on the verge of stardom, maybe they are a cult, indie rock sensation, a band with over 1 million You Tube viewers or maybe its a pseudonym for Aerosmith or The Cars?

Actually JD and the Straight Shots is a joke, literally. JD stands for James Dolan whose sole claim to fame is that he inherited a billionaire family fortune and is doing his best to piss it away. He owns the New York Knicks. As an indication of his management skills he actually believes that the racist, sexual harasser Isiah Thomas knows basketball despite every indication to the contrary.

That's right this member of the lucky sperm club figures he can buy rock stardom. He took a few voice and guitar lessons (very few based on the reviews), hired the best session musicians money could buy, and paid off the promoter Irving Azoff of Live Nation for an opening slot.

The irony being that Chris Robinson (lead singer of the Black Crowes) obtained his spot on the bill the old fashioned way; he earned it. The Crowes played every backwater from here to Japan and back. They toured relentlessly. Every single ticket sold and song downloaded was achieved by playing night after night for years. Chris has endured all of the aggravation and personal cost that goes with living as a gypsy chasing an elusive dream.

Another "local" guy Ernie Boch inherited a bunch of car dealerships but is also trying to buy the rock star thing. The wealthy with the assistance of Washington are trying to eliminate the middle class in this country. They figure they can just buy whomever or whatever they want. However, there is at least one thing money can't buy: artistic talent.

Fortunately, JD and the Straight Shots canceled. If I had to guess once Chris Robinson and J. Geils got wind of it they probably refused to play. JD and the Straight Shots not only goes against everything Chris Robinson and the J. Geils Band stand for, it epitomizes what is wrong with our country.

If James Dolan and Ernie Boch want to waste their time believing they are musicians that's fine. But I'd prefer if Irving Azoff didn't line his pockets by wasting my time.

Personally, I think Jimmy and Ernie should stick to what they do best, absolutely nothing. After all it made them who they are today.

KOKO

Standard & Whores

The so-called investment rating agencies, Standard & Poors, Moody's and Fitch are a complete joke. They are funded by the investment houses and security dealers they supposedly rate. Conflict of interest doesn't begin to describe this cozy, corrupt, little relationship. Legalized financial prostitution would be a more accurate description.

This is how the day before Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy and dissolution it was still rated as "investment grade" by all three agencies. Likewise mortgage backed securities despite not being worth the paper they were written on had a AAA rating the day before the bubble burst. Finally, AIG, Bank of America and virtually every other investment house was rated AAA a day before their greed threw America into the crapper.

So the fact that Standard & Whores downgraded the USA's credit rating should have had no impact. That being said to call what Nobama and Congress have done over the past two years half-ass would be giving them 50% too much credit. When Nobama was elected he had an opportunity to make a change in this country. Not since FDR were the people ready to take back their country. All they needed was a little leadership. He passed.

With the debt ceiling he again had a chance to make a real difference. Instead both he and Congress essentially raised America's borrowing ability without any meaningful change in our ability to repay the debt.

While the downgrade was essentially meaningless and thereby politically motivated it was nonetheless well deserved. There is no bigger loss than a missed opportunity. Trust someone whose missed more than his fair share and then some. Plus in the end as is always the case the only people who were hurt were hard-working teachers, police, fireman and the like who saw their retirement savings continue to shrink. Standard and Whores doesn't care we don't effect their bottom line.

KOKO

Size Matters

If you met the LOL (Lovely Old Lady) you'd be surprised. She's a little wisp of a thing. In fact if you took away her voice (loud, constant, and often angry) and she turned sideways you wouldn't know she was there. (While constantly praying for laryngitis, I continue to rely on the old adage, "You live near the airport long off, you don't even hear the planes after a while".)

However, when the topic of a ring was discussed she told me that due to her "fat" fingers the size of the diamond would have to be large to appear correctly proportioned. I did agree to get the ring with the understanding that there would be no discussion of a wedding. That lasted exactly 7 1/2 minutes.

Then there was the discussion of diamond earings. Apparently like her fingers her ear lobes are incredibly large for her size. With the wonders of technology I was able to compare pictures of her to first, Mr. Spock and then President Ineptamama. The size difference was not apparent to the naked eye. She insisted that anything less than 1 1/2 carats on those ginormous earlobes would merely appear like a speck of sand on a vast beach.

Speaking of beaches this weekend we each had family commitments in different places. The LOL normally drives the SUV (aka surfmobile) during the week. I drive a Ford Focus. (Before you judge I have experienced first hand the saying, "If it has wheels or breasts sooner or later it will give you trouble." Also both cars are paid for in full.)

There is a good chance of waves over the next few days so I mentioned to the LOL that I would need the surfmobile. "You know I can't drive small cars," was the response.

So while it may be true the best things come in small packages just keep in mind that they expect big things.

KOKO

Lies, Damn Lies & Statistics

Just felt like running some numbers. When President Ineptamama took office banks were giving mortgages to anyone who could sign their name on an application (even an "X" would do). Wall Street then packaged these bad mortgages and traded them as securities. As the cumulative total of missed payments began gaining momentum Wall Street lost north of several hundred billion dollars. Rather than tell the banks to pound sand Ineptamama grabbed the US tax payer's checkbook and essentially wrote the banks a blank check. Wall Street then used that money to bet against the economy and made several hundred billion in profits which they lucratively distributed amongst themselves. This has also kept the country mired in a recession. (Enough with the economic recovery BS. Go to Lawrence, Fall River, and New Bedford and see how well they have receovered.) Now hard working, honest individuals when not being dinged by insurance companies, raped by oil companies, and harassed by the IRS can't get a mortgage. Nice work, Mr. President.

The recent budget crisis was another now missed opportunity to make things right. A chance to tax Wall Street on their multi hundred million dollar bonuses as income as opposed to capital gains. Every nickel the hard working people make is taxed as income. But if your rich somehow your income is not income, rather a gain against which you can write off all losses paying a net zero in taxes.

Not only was the budget debate another missed opportunity like all things Federal Government it turned into a complete clusterf%&K. In a petty debate over the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) a few Tea Party nuts failed to fund the agency. First, not a great idea since the FAA was actually one of the few profitable government agencies. Second, the move resulted in 75,000 people being unemployed. Finally the move cost the government over $1 billion in tax revenue that was previously collected. (Despite the fact the money was a tax the airlines are keeping the windfall, you didn't really expect a corporation to do the right thing, did you?)

With the stock market in a free fall as a direct result of Ineptamama's failure to act the government announced today that unemployment had decreased and 117,000 jobs were added to the private sector. The private sector added 150,000 jobs. Last time I checked 150,000 minus the 75,000 FAA jobs would be 75,000 not 117,000. Pretty basic math.

I would agree that I'm all wet, but it ain't from surfing and it's not becasue I came down with last night's rain.

I guess the good news is Ineptamama will be a one term President, he's not even a good liar.

KOKO

Like Clockwork

Once you hit the downhill side of life and you are just playing out the string about the only thing that keeps you going is that life is unpredictable. Personally, I peaked at about 18, playing three sports, touring with Conspiracy, sex, drugs, rock and roll: life was good. I had a few girls, a couple of bucks, no bills, and bad habits without consequences.

Now approaching the half-century mark with another half century to go (based on family genes) for over thirty years I have had little reason to get out of bed. Why would anyone want to get up and take life's daily screwing from the world? Because sometimes life is interesting. That is you never know what might or might not happen. About once every twenty years something might even go my way. Life is like a Grateful Dead show really, you have no idea what the set list will be. Likewise you have no idea whether you or the band will be headed up or down. When life becomes predictable that's when we all stop living, figuratively and literally.

I really wish President O so bad for me and my mama was a racehorse. There is no one more predictable. In every instance he folds like a Swiss army knife at an airport security check point. When elected he had the country behind him. The rich, big oil, drug companies, banks, special interests he promised to go after them all. Then came the Wall Street bailout. Then came the extension of the Bush tax breaks for two years in exchange for six more months of unemployment benefits; now the deficit.

As predicted here (you don't have to be Nostradamus with this guy) no taxes for the rich more cuts to the poor. Obama is the worst President in the history of the Democratic Party. He makes Jimmy Carter look competent. Congressman Jim McGovern (D-Mass) voted against the compromise saying, "being a Democrat is about helping people up, not knocking them down."

So the rich get richer and my grandmother who is 105 this week will have to get by on a little less.

Hey Mr. President, sounds like a reason to celebrate to me.

KOKO

Surfing

Many of the Faithful have commented on the decrease in blog entries. Some have even challenged my surfing excuse. To explain and dispell both concerns here are a few instructive shots of me and Dr. No (aka Daddy) courtesy of Andrea.

 

The first key to successful surfing is a strong paddle. Here Dr. No falls behind early.

The second key is the stand-up. Here Dr. No is headed for trouble while I'm perfectly positioned.

Styling!

Dr. No out of control, falling and reaching for help, not cool.

The second best part of surfing, hanging with your bud, waiting for your set.

KOKO