Albie Cullen's Blog, page 8

Real Housewives

Apparently there is this really dumb reality show (know any other type?) Real Housewives. There is Real Housewives of Miami, Real Housewives of Los Angeles, Real Basketball Housewives you get the picture. Someone went to a lot of time and trouble to post a Real Housewives of South Boston on YouTube. Despite the fact that it is not very funny, somewhat offensive and very accurate the married women here in Southie are all up in arms.

Always looking to be helpful Faithful I figure I can save you the time and trouble of watching either the show or the video. Thanks to the LOL (lovely old lady) I can tell you firsthand what its like to live with a "real" housewife of South Boston.

1. If she thinks for a second you might be enjoying yourself (or even thinking of enjoying yourself) she will intervene immediately. Last year as I sat down to watch Game 7 of the Bruins/Tampa Bay playoffs, the LOL said, "Don't get too comfortable we have to put the winter clothes away and get the summer clothes out."

2. If you manage to actually find a way to enjoy yourself it will be held against you for well what's left of your pathetic life. "If you weren't surfing all the time you wouldn't be so tired. Now I want to see how the couch looks over there, move it!"

3. Along those lines the past is chronicled and kept close at hand. You are constantly reminded of any transgression you ever made. The longer ago you made the mistake the more often you are reminded. IBM modeled computer memory after a woman's. Now matter how old, the memory is crystal clear and always immediately accessible.

4. Sex is used as a weapon, both offensive and defensive. When she needs something sex is promised in return. When she is angry sex is withheld as punishment. As you can see there is little mention of sex actually happening.

5. Apparently, I am responsible for the dust that gathers on the floors and the dirt on the windows. I am constantly reminded how much cleaning is required.

6. Everything has its place (with the exception of me actually) and that place is never where I left it.

7. She never uses the credit cards but despite making payments every month the balance never goes down.

8. She is never ever wrong. Any suggestion to the contrary is met with vociferous objection. Any evidence that she is wrong will result in sex being withheld, again.

9. Lying isn't the exception its the rule. "Honey, if you just buy me the house, I promise I'll be nice." Since we closed on the house she's been meaner than ever.

Something tells me that the the above is not unique to just the LOL or South Boston. I think if you have a "real housewife" you are pretty much screwed. Which begs the question why is reality television nothing like reality?

KOKO

Sorry Seems to Be The Hardest Word

Three straight days of surfing and I am at least able to face the day and the endless string of jackasses, idiots and blowhards (and that is just the District Attorney's office) I am sure to encounter in the week ahead.

When is the last time someone you didn't know actually apologized?

So far this month my mortgage invoice, Comcast Bill, and monthly legal computer service bill have all been wrong. I have wasted several hours (which at this point I don't have to waste) speaking with various representatives of customer service.

Let's start with the mortgage. Because I live in a condo conversion the previous tax bill was for a single family. My mortgage company informed me that they will assess me taxes for the whole building unless they hear otherwise. I informed that given the difficulty in getting the mortgage (I think it's easier to get a liver transplant under Obama care) the bank was well aware that I live in a portion of the building. Today I received a letter saying someone has already paid the taxes. Unless I have an unknown benefactor the mortgage company has no idea what its doing. It's a wonder the banks are broke, they can't even collect from people who can actually pay. Notwithstandinhg, I'll take that as an apology for trying to collect money not owed much less due. How long before you think they realize that they and not me have been paying the taxes?

As far as Comcast they have sent three bills notwithstanding that the service diid not work. On top of that they claim my old number 617-315-7800 couldn't be transferred due to geographical concerns. When I informed them that I geographically moved about 200 yards they had no response. Now I have the phone number of some deadbeat who gets daily collection calls. In response to my complaints to the above Comcast sent a fourth bill for three times as much as my monthly service.

I receive a legal computer service, Lexis. Lexis agreed to charge me $123 a month starting January 1, 2011. They have charged me varying amounts since January 1, all in excess of $123. In an attempt to resolve the matter I have been about thirty days late with payments. Despite monthly payments Lexis never credited a payment to April. Without notice they then terminated my service for late payment despite having received 9 monthly payments in 2011. Essentially at gun point I was then told to pay up or the service wouldn't be turned back on.

My Father laughs saying I spend my life asking to see the manager. I'm not sure when the motto went from the "Customer is always right," to "F the customer".

However, my motto remains the same "F me, no F you". Plus someone has to keep all of these people in India busy.

KOKO

Mob Rule

House majority leader, Eric Cantor recently stated, "I for one am increasingly concerned about the growing mobs occupying Wall Street." Apparently Mr. Cantor either didn't get or didn't read the memo that these "mobs" represent 99% of Americans. Americans that are being nickel and dimed to death daily by banks, utilities and insurance companies. That is when they are not being raped by big oil or harassed by the IRS. Mr. Cantor doesn't have much sympathy for those of us who actually want elected officials to do something. Mr. Cantor is big on cutting the budget. He has been highly critical of the government bail outs, although he did't see any problem supporting the bail out bill that gave $267 million to the bank which employed his wife.

House minority leader Nancy "can't believe people vote for me" Pelosi's response wasn't much better. Instead of pointing out that the protest is about the unfairness with which the average American continues to be treated by both its government and its elected officials, she stated Cantor didn't complain when the Tea Party protested. The issue isn't about protests the issue is about the President and Congress pissing on us and trying to tell us its just been raining for the last seven years.

Of course no one is more out of touch then the Borin' Mormon Mitt Romney. "I think it's dangerous, this class warfare." Guess what Mitt it's only dangerous to one class; yours. Mitt has taken hundreds of millions in donations from Wall Street. His fundraising has been so brazen that shell companies with Mitt's own mailing address are set up for the sole purpose of donating millions back to him. Where do you think Mitt's loyalty lies? With the guy working two months a year to pay the IRS and another six months a year to pay Comcast, Hess, National Grid, N-Star, Traveler's Insurance, Bank of America and AT & T?

"Many people in government and business are not bad people, but made "extraordinary errors," such as giving loans to people who could not pay them back. He added that many of our problems were caused by excesses on the part of the people, Wall Street and the government.

"Attacking industries in America would be a mistake," said Romney. "Wall street is connected to main street. Finding a scapegoat, finding someone to blame, isn't the right way to go." Well said from one of the guys who is clearly to blame. Your right Mitt, we overreacted, "Hey Wall Street keep up the good work, sorry about our "excesses", we the "mob" will try and do better. "

KOKO

Are You Ready For Some Idiocity

The oceans here in New England have been flatter than a girl scout meeting. On top of that I seem to be surrounded by people who strongly resemble a horse's rear end. This week an appeals court condoned murder by the FBI. A legal computer service cancelled my account over $6 I didn't owe. Finally, the District Attorney decided judges serve only as an impediment to convicting innocent people and as such refuses to follow court orders. All of this leaves me pondering the question: "Is it possible I am wrong all the time?"

Before answering that let's get to the point of today's post (yes, these blogs have a point). A very close friend of mine Jim S defines the human condition as this: "The undeniable urge to screw up a good thing." Unfortunately, a number of people, myself included often succeed. Hank Williams, Jr. like most offspring of successful and wealthy people was good at one thing: collecting his inheritance. (Think Mitt Romney as a "Good ol' boy").

Some how some way he conned ABC into using his song, "Are You Ready For Some Football" for thirteen seasons. His work week consisted of overdubbing that particular week's team names into the song. Maybe 5 minutes work for 16 weeks. For this he was reportedly paid $1 million a year.

Last week he was on some talk show. The first question is why? (I wouldn't go to a Hank William's Jr. concert if he was playing on my deck for free. Further I wouldn't talk to him at a cocktail party. First, I don't particularly care for other people's opinion as those opinions for the most part are always wrong. Second, I have enough friends and another friend is just someone you eventually have to help move and/or drive to the airport.)

Apparently he compared Nobama to Hitler. First, off I don't get the comparison. (See above on other people's opinions). Unlike Obama Hitler actually accomplished something albeit temporarily. His limited achievement was fortunate for the rest of the world.

Once ABC was able to determine which trailer park Hank was hiding in he was notified he was canned.

Now if (haven't had a hard days work in my life) Hank had said Nobama and his family were setting a record for leisure miles on Air Force One, or that INS was treating Nobama's dead beat aunt and drunk driving uncle differently or that when Nobama sees a Republican on the sidewalk Nobama crosses the street, Hank would still be singing this Monday.

KOKO

Bank Robbin'

Through the course of my profession I have come to meet several bank robbers. Some were better than others. One in particular sticks out. When the FBI located the suspect carrying a large duffel bag they began chasing him. The accused dropped the duffel bag and ran. The FBI ran right by the duffel bag which contained $400,000. A second bank robber came along and picked up the bag. In the end the money and the robbers eluded the FBI. (Still think the FBI's conviction of Whitey is a sure thing?)

Through my years living and working in Boston, Charlestown specifically, I have come to know several bank robbers. Bank robbery is in a Townies' DNA. Just like a puppy inherently knows how to do the dog paddle Townies know how to rob banks and armored cars.

I asked a Charlestowntonian what he thought of the Ben Affleck, bank robbery flick, "The Town". "Very unrealistic," he said. "Carrying all of those large weapons would make it impossible to carry out the money. You want to rob a bank, use a pistol." I'm sure he was speaking hypothetically. This same bank robber was once the only one not robbed when he happened to be cashing a check when a Somerville bank was robbed: professional courtesy (true story).

However, as time has gone on banks now are in the practice of robbing their customers, robbing them blind. Five years ago Bank of America the largest corporate criminal entity in the world was handing out $500,000 mortgages like they were junk mail. As a signing bonus you could also get a BOA credit card with $20,000 limit. All that was required was a fake property appraisal and a false loan application.

Despite the fact that taxpayers have paid BOA billions to bail them out of this mess which resulted solely from BOA's greed; BOA is still struggling financially. As a solution for higher profits BOA will now charge customers $5 a month for use of their debit card.

BOA also fails to mention that they also charge the merchant a fee for the use of the debit card. Last year the banking industry made a $19 billion profit from the use of debit cards. So on top of the profit the banks are making from the use of the cards they want to charge you $60 a year for the right to spend your own hard earned money.

I wonder if any of the BOA Board of Directors live in Charlestown?

KOKO

Fall Guy

Whenever a conspiracy goes bad the individual participants go every man for himself. Such was the case in the conspiracy of John Henry, Theo Epstein and Terry Francona. The purpose of this particular conspiracy was to make John Henry as much money as possible while deluding the fans of Boston into thinking that Theo actually could evaluate the talent necessary to win his first World Series in Boston. (The 2004 and 2007 teams were won with largely Dan Duquette's roster and draft picks.) Since Theo's personnel has taken over the Sox have gone three years without winning a playoff game and two years without making the playoffs altogether.

The best way to deflect attention in a conspiracy is to find a "fall guy" to take the hit for the entire operation. So like Nelson Mandela, Iron Mike Tyson, and now Foxy Knoxy, the heretofore innocent manager Terry Francona gets framed and takes the fall (ironically for a September collapse which indicated he was not a Fall (as in season) type of guy.)

Hard to believe that the guy who breaks an 86 year old curse not once but twice in three years with two world championships could be run out of town. As Billy Sunday put it in Drown, New York is a bad town to have a PR problem. There is no where worse town than Boston to have a baseball PR problem. The Sox now have major problems from the owner to the front office to the underperforming players on the field. The one person who seemed like part of the solution was unceremoniously dismissed.

In response two local columnists are calling for John Henry to sell the team and move on. Rather than answer questions about the season and his role Henry propelled himself down the stairs of his 200 foot yacht. It appears Henry was the one tightening the noose around Tito's neck. Not sure why this came as such a shock to everyone.

A couple years ago the goofy Henry married a waitress who had twice his looks (not difficult) and a quarter of his IQ. The new bride went from asking, "What kind of dressing do you want on your salad," to Vice President of the Fenway Park Renovation Project. Why? Because she wanted to and Henry thought it a good idea. The architect who worked diligently on Fenway's improvements for years was unceremoniously canned in attempt to get the new Mrs. Henry credit, sound familiar?

It now appears that Henry used the same stringent hiring process to retain Henry's good personal friend but professionally incompetent GM Theo Epstein.

I for one just want say thanks Tito. You did your job and then some and brought a few years of baseball sanity to Boston. In return Henry and Theo stabbed you in the back.

Keep that in mind next year if you are rooting for the Henry owned, Theo led Red Sox. I can tell you I won't be a party to this two faced, two time, two bit conspiracy now posing as the Boston Red Sox.

KOKO

Papelblewanotherone The Wicked Witch of The AL East

If you have been reading this blog with any regularity then you knew what I knew last night. Jonathan Papelblewanotherone, like the wicked witch of the west after Dorothy doused her with the water would grow smaller with each pitch.

Around this time last year you may recall Papelblewanotherone did his imitation of the Japanese nuclear power plants after the tsunami. By then I had grown tired of the Irish step dancing, the Drop Kick Murphies, the each eye look a different direction and most of all the "pay me Rivera money".  

For you new readers I'll summarize what the Faithful already know. In 2004 he wasn't around Foulke was the closer.  He first appeared in 2005 and didn't do much.  2006 he did what he does best saved a bunch of two run games against poor teams.  In the 2007 playoffs he wasn't a factor.  The Sox either won or they lost there were surprisingly no close games.  I believe he appeared once in the World Series with a two or three run lead against a very overmatched, offensively challenged Colorado line up.   

 His first actual "big" game was against Anaheim when he quickly spit the bit at Fenway.  Last year the Sox played up the injuries as an excuse.  In reality much like this year the players the Sox had didn't perform led by you guessed it, Papelblewanotherone. He blew five saves in August and September when the Sox were still in it.

Many of the Faithful being red Sox fans were highly critical of my assessment at that time.

So last night I calmly picked up a cigar and as Papelblewanotherone walked to the mound I walked out to the porch. I mean if you are about to get screwed you mine as well enjoy it, right?. I did however leave the television sound on. As melted I calmly puffed on my stogie. A last small pleasure for a man facing the executioner.

As I tossed the cigar butt, Crawford (another Theo million dollar midget) misplayed the Sox into history, completing the greatest collapse in sports history.

I know so little that its seems most unfair that the only thing I am right about is Theo and Papelblewanotherone.

KOKO

Responsibility

The most comical add on television is for an insurance company. The ad ends with the tag line, "Responsibility, what's your policy?" I have yet to make an insurance claim where the company didn't make every effort to avoid responsibility.

When an institution fails someone has to be held responsible. The Boston Red Sox are a multi-billion dollar, Boston institution. At the moment it looks like they will back into the playoffs. Regardless the season is an abysmal failure for "greatest team of all time" (proving again the age old adage, "that's why they play the games".) Given the bloated payroll which will make them unable to re-sign Ellsbury and Pedroia the Sox will continue to fail for the foreseeable future.

In December of 2009 when Theo signed John Lackey he said, "Lackey was a proven winner, a playoff performer, and he would be the best number three pitcher in the majors." Given Lackey's lifetime .577 winning percentage you could also say he was a proven loser. (His divorcing his wife in the middle of cancer treatment, the same wife he used an excuse for his poor performance makes him a "loser" off the field as well.) Not only was he not the best number three pitcher he was the worst starting pitcher statistically in all of Major League Baseball.

The Red Sox routinely beat Lackey in the playoffs while he pitched for the Angels. What's more telling is that in anticipation of a one game playoff tomorrow Theo was looking to make a trade for a pitcher rather than start the $16 million a year Lackey.

Many of the Faithful believe I have been to critical of Theo. (His $15 million man JD Drew just did an imitation of my 8 year old nephew turning a routine fly into a double.) They say he doesn't play the game. This concedes my argument as Theo is responsible for the players who do play the game.

The alternative would be to fire Francona. Granted on the few occasions were Tito has had to make a tough decision it has usually been wrong, particularly with regard to the pitching staff. But overall Francona has done a decent job with the mediocre hand that Theo has dealt him.

So let's hope we get an early Christmas present when the Sox dump Theo. Of course he could do what all incompetent leaders of failed institutions do just wait for a taxpayer funded bailout.

KOKO

Rather Be Happy Than Right

Watching this Red Sox collapse (predicted here three weeks ago) is kind of like watching a car accident. There is nothing pretty or productive about doing it yet you can't stop yourself.

Back in April, Orioles manager Buck Showalter was critical of (We hate to see) Theo (go), not really. "I'd like to see how smart Theo Epstein is with the Tampa Bay payroll," he barked. "You got Carl Crawford 'cause you paid more than anyone else, and that's what makes you smarter? That's why I like whipping their butt. It's great, knowing those guys with the $205 million payroll are saying 'How the hell are they beating us?'"

Turns out Theo was not all that smart with the Red Sox payroll. (Lackey, Lugo, Renteiria, and Drew alone equal a $400 million plus superfecta bust. As I am typing this Drew just ran straight into the wall instead of catching a fly ball. But don't worry Papelblewanotherone is coming to the Red Sox rescue.)

Nonetheless, Theo made a big deal about the comment and Showalter was ultimately forced to apologize. I'm sure Buck was told by the Baltimore powers that be, "rather than being right let's apologize and keep Major League Baseball happy."

Now if Buck is anything like me (bitter) my guess is he likes to get even. He's also been around long enough to know that getting even sometimes requires patience. (Like getting Irish Alzheimers, you forget everything except your grudges.)

Baltimore is largely responsible for the Sox demise taking four out of five so far this month. Buck looks like he is enjoying every minute of sticking it to the Boy Wonder turned middle aged blunderer Theo.

I bet Buck knows what I also know, people who say that they would rather be happy than right are neither. I know because this happens to be the Lovely Old Lady's (LOL's) mantra. She yells a lot for someone who is so "happy". (Of course she did say she doesn't yell but rather gets, "excited", seriously).

As Buck is proving this month when you're right you are always happy.

Go birdies, bye bye Theo.

KOKO

Oh Brother Where Art Thou?

So after a week where I was both the victim of a car accident as a result of some dingbat texting while driving and the victim of a serious crime I was wondering what the world had in store for me today. You know things are bad when you dread the opening of your eyes.

Things started out well as I caught some waves down in Newport. While surfing is all about Zen in reality that is not always the case. Now a days at every surf break there are a couple of a-holes hoarding waves and complaining about the increased popularity in surfing. The line-up (the location just past the break of the wave were surfers "line-up" waiting for their set) this morning was actually quite friendly. Everyone laughing, joking and letting each other catch waves. Maybe it was because after a couple of weeks of big waves today's smaller sets allowed everyone to relax a little. (As an aside Daddy and YZERTIME can get back in the water now that the "scary" hurricane swells have passed.) After the nice "Sunday Session" leaving the beach I was actually in the best mood I have been in a while. This being my life, however, the afterglow didn't last long.

I came home to watch the Patriots play as if they not only bet on the Bills but bet big. The only thing worse then the game was the fourth string color announcer Rich Gannon. At the end of the game Rich who advocated strongly for the Bills to play not to lose insisted that 1:34 minus :45 seconds equaled :14 seconds. The combination of his philosophy and his football analytical skills is why Rich sucked as a quarterback.

The final nail in the coffin was listening to Nobama's speech to the black political caucus. African-Americans in this country face twice the national unemployment rate. All urban, black communities are riddled with both crime and poverty. Nobody has done less for his people then Nobama. (This includes Jesse "I'll do anything for $5 million and a plane" Jackson so that's saying something.)

Nobama told his people the following, ""Take off your bedroom slippers. Put on your marching shoes," he said, "Shake it off. Stop complainin'. Stop grumblin'. Stop cry in'". Blog platforms won't print what I think of this crap (and if you don't know I am not even black.)

I wish I was there though. I would have replied, "Hey Nobama, take off your skirt and put on your big boy pants. Stop vacationing, stop telling immigration to grant citizenship to your deadbeat, criminal aunts and uncles, stop kowtowing to the Republicans, and do Something."

Nobama is counting on a strong black turnout to re-elect him. After that insulting speech to his brothers and sisters I hope he has a plan B.

KOKO