Albie Cullen's Blog, page 5

I Didn’t Pay For the Sex

“I didn’t pay for the sex, I paid for them to leave when I asked.” Charlie Sheen during the Heidi Fleiss investigation.

Apparently, like most government agencies the secret service only got it half right. That is during an advance visit to Cartagena, Columbia they just didn’t pay for the sex . They then compounded the problem when they fell in love and allowed the women to stay the night. I unfortunately have never been to Cartagena but my guess is pretty much everything is legal, available and reasonable. Again, like most government employees the Secret Service’s idea of reasonable was $30 for a night of “anything goes”. Not sure the last time they were on Craig’s List (although probably not all that long ago from the looks of it) but I don’t think $30 is reasonable even in Latin America.

Still I am surprised by all the uproar over the fact that a few guys may have paid to get laid. Mitt Romney said, “The right thing to do is to remove people who have violated the public trust and have put their play time and their personal interests ahead of the interests of the nation.” Well Mitt if that was the standard we wouldn’t have a single politician presently in office. How else do you explain that despite an annual salary of approximately $150,000 the President and all members of Congress become multi-millionaires while in office?

A potential security breach has been among the concerns raised by members of Congress. In a letter to (Secret Service Director) Sullivan, Congressmen, said the agents “brought foreign nationals in contact with sensitive security information.” The secret service agents’ little three inches, although twice their IQ and apparently very sensitive, is certainly not security information. Further as these agents weren’t even staying at the same hotel as the President, they weren’t exactly trusted with the keys to the kingdom in the first place.

I’m just hoping that one of the agents will raise the defense that “interviewing” prostitutes was actually included in their advance duties. Maybe the agents are just holdovers from the Clinton regime and after a few too many drinks became confused? Maybe President Obama with his imminent loss to Romney combined with Michele’s constant leisure traveling on the taxpayer dime was beginning to feel a little under appreciated?

Regardless of the actual reason with all that’s happening in the world Congress is apparently again going to hold hearings regarding whether or not someone got laid. I mean we are talking sex here, not treason, not spying, not terrorism, s-e-x. Who gives a Flying Fcuk (pun intended)? Since we are paying Congress it would be nice if in November we simply asked them all to leave. After all there is no question we are also getting screwed.

KOKO

Sports Sick

Boston has long been known for the excellence of its health care. Mass General, Beth Isreal, Mass Eye and Ear are all legendary. Wealthy people who wake up with a cough in Saudi Arabia are in a Boston hospital waiting room by lunch time. Well probably not a waiting room but you get the idea. So you would think if you played for a Boston professional sports team you would get the best health care imaginable.

However, if your a little short of breath, have agida, and your left arm is going numb you better pray you are no where near trhe Celtics' locker room on Causeway Street. Danny Ainge was a decent player: scrappy, tough, and emotional. Unfortunately none of those qualities are helpful to a genral manager. Just four years ago the Celtics had a well below average "star" in Paul Pierce and little else including no televesion contract. Kevin Garnett upon hearing trade rumors said he would never play in a racist city like Boston. The NBA already unable to control the inmates in the asylum couldn't afford for both an original six and top six media market team to go under. Garnett is forced to go to Boston, he brings a title and Ainge looks like a genius.

Looks aren't everything though. Ainge left to his own devices trades fan favorite, Kendrick Perkins, with whom the Celtics had never lost a playoff series for Jeff Green. I would assume with the medical staff's input Ainge overpays Green to the tune of $9 million. In adiition to being a lousy player, Green turns out to be a walking heart attack, literally. The Celtics medical staff now on notice you would think about heart issues is then asked to evaluate Ainge's next poor acquistion, Chris Wilcox. About a month after a clean bill of health, Wilcox collapses with heart issues.

Despite the above you are still much better off taking ill at TD Banknorth then Fenway. The Red Sox who as it turns out have mishandled pretty much everything since 2007, in their despeartion to be rid of Theo, totally mishandled the compensation negotiations. That is once Theo was allowed to leave the Sox had no leverage. The irony being Theo loved to overpay, poor free agents when the player had absolutely no leverage. After much haggling the Sox received minor league, journeyman reliever Chris Carpenter. I would assume the Sox medical staff poured over his medical records before clearing the trade. Despite a history of elbow problems apparently no one asked Carpenter to throw a pitch, which it turns out he coudn't.

The reason the Red Sox doctor's malpractice insurance has been canceled, however, is Bobby Jenks. Jenks was at a minimum one hundred pounds over weight. Anyone who has had back difficulties knows that weight and stomach strength are key to relief. Jenks didn't pass the eye test for an athlete much less a physical. When he broke the scale at the beginning of the exam that should have been a clue. How about the psychological exam? Jenks is a con man, constant complainer, and med seeker. In short he had all the signs of an addict. This is the only way to explain the Red Sox' shock when Jenks after popping two handfuls of pills (remember he's a big guy) hit every car, in every strip joint parking lot between Fort Meyers and Tampa.

So if you are at a game and not feeling well and you see the Red Sox or Celtics medical staff attending to you, well let's just say its game over for you, literally.

KOKO

Rocket Scientist Needed

One of my motorcycles is a Royal Enfield. It's basically a 1944 British Military Bike. Their motto is "Untainted by Technology". So when I was in the heart of the Big Dig tunnel with traffic going about 75mph and my untainted by technology machine became untainted by power (again, just like 1944) I saw my life flash before my eyes. I was actually able to get it going (by kick starting like crazy, just like 1944). When I got home I realized a nick in the positive battery cable was causing a short. How I found this out was by touching the bike's metal frame which had become a conduit for the power. So basically, I jumped a mile, my hair stood on end, and my finger started smoking, you guessed it, just like 1944.

As a housewarming gift I received a Pioneer Elite, surround sound receiver. My hope was that I could both maximize the pre-wired speakers around the house and organize the flatscreen, blue ray and dvr. Receiving the unit for gratis you would think I would spring for the installation. I didn't. Although given my complete lack of mechanical inclination (see above electrocution) I didn't do it myself. Instead I waited two months for the builder to find the free time to hook it up. After five years of college and four years of law school I figured I could determine how to use it, wrong again.

My Father's theory i if you can read you can do anything. (The flaw in this theory is the reason for say a jet pilot's license. Under his theory your next commercial flight could be piloted by a fourth grader.) The "easy, quick start manual" is 100 pages. The on-line actual manual is slightly longer than War and Peace.

The "Universal Remote" has 64 buttons all of which have two functions. You can barely read the tiny buttons much less the smaller secondary function. The remote also has two power buttons. I can't figure out who thought that was a good design idea. One power button controls the cable box and flat screen and the other controls the receiver. The problem is each power button negates the other so its essentially impossible to get all three units on at the same time. Plus its not really a "Universal" remote if it is divided into two sets of controls, right?

Here is an example from the "quick start" manual: "Playing a source, switch on your components and receiver. (This as set forth above is already impossible). Press AUTO/ALC/DIRECT (AUTO SURR/ALC/STREAM DIRECT) to select 'AUTO SURROUND' and start playback of the source." I have e-mailed NASA the above and I am hoping for a translation into English by the morning. I also called the Geek Squad who may be able to help me as soon as my $169.99 payment clears.

Whether untainted or tainted by technology there are people like me who are still screwed.

I didn't have these problems in Costa Rica.

KOKO

Pura Vida

Pura Vida is a term widely used in Costa Rica. The literal translation means "full of life". Contextually the term is used and can mean anything from "be cool" to "live and let live" to "to each his "own" to "peace". In St . Teresa located in the Mal Pais section of Costa Rica the morning arrives with picture perfect waves. Although they may vary in size (usually from waist to overhead) the sets are always both constant and clean. As the morning progresses the wind picks up and eventually the conditions are blown out. Basically there are perfect surfing conditions for 3-4 hours every day. I had hoped to have better photos but my photographer was apparently busy taking numerous pictures of other important subjects like sand. If you want to get a real feel for the surf check out malpaisurfcam.com.

Suck Rock Reef Break

St Teresa Break Sunrise

St Teresa Break Mid Morning

New Zealand Pro Surfer Nico "El" Smith (L) Asking Me For Pointers

Air Reverse (After landing and Close Out)

Wipe Out (After Close Out, Fall and Board Off Head)

KOKO

We Can Share The Women, We Can Share The Wine

"We can share the women, we can share the wine/We can share what we got of yours cause we done shared all of mine" – Grateful Dead – "Jack Straw"

Just returned from the accountant. Nice guy, conservative, honest which are good qualities in an accountant. Every year he yells at me for spending too much, not saving enough and trying to beat (i.e. lie to) the IRS (as if that's possible). Finally I said, "If I took your advice I wouldn't be sitting here in need of your services. The reason I need you is because I annually and repeatedly ignore your good advice." This brought a faint smile which for an accountant is the equivalent to being doubled over from laughter.

In the end my effective tax rate is 38% or in Mitt Romney terms 40%. (Mitt's tax rate is 13.8% which he refers to as 15%.) That means (again using Mitt Romney "round up, way up" math) 3 hours of very day, 3 days of every week, 12 days of every month and 5 months of every year I am working for The Man. This might not be that bad if the other 7 months weren't spent working for oil, insurance and bank/mortgage companies.

Mitt and I are one man of basically the same age. As such we either use or have access to basically the same number of government services, roads, street lights, police, fire, you get the picture. Mitt because he has children and travels, resulting in the use of airports arguably uses more government services than I do. Regardless, why should I have to pay three times as much as Mitt for the same services? That is why is he basically working one month a year to pay taxes while I have to work 5 months? Further on a dollar basis Mitt who didn't work but made $80 million in income, capital gains, my apologies, can certainly afford to contribute more months than I can.

Remember Obama was going to bring about the "change" for the middle class. Under Obama unemployment has increased, gas prices have tripled, and the stock market has languished, and the housing market remains in a free fall. However, the corporate orate tax rate in 2012 should decrease to about 12% while my (and your) tax rate will go to 42 or 43%.

Hey Mitt, believe me I ain't asking you to share Ann (although I guess technically as a Mormon some of you do that sort of thing), her you can definitely keep. But how about helping a brother out and kicking a few more G wizzes into the government kiddy like the rest of us.

KOKO

Yahoos

"Yahoooo" – my first words after catching my first wave in St. Teresa, Costa Rica last week.

"Yahoo" – a person who is not very intelligent or interested in culture.  One of the very nice things (and believe me there were many) about being in the remote jungles of Costa Rica is you are completely unplugged. Fortunately, I happen to be one of my most favorite people so the company didn't bother me at all.   I don't know whether it was the brief respite or the much needed rest but I returned more sensitive to how dumb people really are.  Surprisingly many of these intelligence challenged people somehow have achieved positions of power.

Let's start with Ann Romney, bride of the only political candidate to blow two presidential elections.  While I was away she declared, despite her two Cadillacs and numerous tax havens she "doesn't consider herself wealthy". Well Ann, I saved for two years to take this trip.  You travel in a private jet on a whim.  They should make a reality show about the Romneys and call it "Unrealistic".  Prior to Ann and Mitt the last two people I heard who were this far out of touch with reality were Mick and Keith backstage on the Bridges to Babylon tour.  At least they were surrounded by a multitude of "booze, and pills, and powders."

Keeping with the Republican requirement of stupidity for membership how about Senator John McCain.  He thinks we should invade Syria.  After a 200 year undefeated run the US military is 0-4 in its last four: Vietnam, Iraq (04), Afghanistan, and Iraq (11).  Trust me its not the brave, courageous soldiers fault.  You see when you don't have a dog in the fight, a horse in the race, a team in the game your heart just isn't in it.  We have absolutely no interest in Syria and as such should have no interest in Syria.

The winner this week was a literal yahoo, Israeli Prime Minister Netenyahu.  He somehow has in his mind that he should attack Iran. That's fine for him. Unfortunately, he also has in his mind that the U S of A is going to bail his sandy ass out when things start going wrong. The turning point for Israel will be right after their first bomb lands and Iran points a nuclear weapon aimed for the West Bank. Iran has been "saber rattling" for decades. Nothing ever comes from it. Iran is like the guy at the bar that's all talk and no action. You grow tired of listening but you know words never killed anyone. Plus this whole Iran thing is just the latest excuse for the oil companies to rape and pillage record profits at the gas pump. Somehow Netenyahu actually thinks (mistakenly) the oil companies posturing has made him both relevant and important.

If Israel is the aggressor in Iran Israel will get what it deserves. Hopefully Vietnam through Iraq has taught us to fight our own battles. No reason we have to suffer (or any more soldiers have to die) for other yahoo's mistakes. After all we have enough yahoos of our own.

KOKO

Priceless Family Heirlooms

My aunt, God rest her soul, lived in a one bedroom apartment in Peabody.  I think the apartment was rent control, which is where poor people lived before we had Section 8 housing.  She lived on a small teacher's pension most of which she spent on cartons of Benson & Hedges ("You've come a long way, baby",  since she had made it from Somerville to Peabody she actually had come a long way).  In the 1980′s she ran up $25,000 in credit card debt with absolutely no ability to pay it back.  She was way ahead of her time.  When she died I remember someone in my family saying, "get over there before your cousins do".  I also remember thinking, "why?".  Kids may not know about the finer things in life but they know crap when they see it. I wondered if my Aunt Mary was so rich why was all of her furniture made of particle board?   (She had particle board furniture twenty years before it was made popular by Ikea.)  My Father and I rushed over and most of the furniture fell apart while we were moving it (again much like Ikea).

The other things that happen when family members pass away is heirs confuse expensive with valuable.  My late, great Aunt Margaret actually had a couple of silver dollars to rub together.  When she died, we did try and get there before my cousins. Someone said, "look she has a nice hospital bed".   Hospital beds are expensive but they are not of much value unless you are either dying or in the hospital.  We moved the bed which was heavy and had wires everywhere.  Since no one in my family was actually in need of a hospital bed we donated it to the church.  This necessitated moving the "expensive but of no real value" bed twice.

When the LOL (lovely old lady) moved in with me three years ago she stored some of her "priceless family heirlooms" down on the Cape.  Generally speaking if you go three years without missing something, much less opening the box in which it is stored I would feel comfortable saying it's trash.  Once again I didn't realize how wrong I could be.  I was instructed in no uncertain terms to drive the 100 miles round trip on a Friday night and retrieve the boxes of priceless treasures.  In an effort to make my job a little easier I opened some of the boxes and sifted through the contents.  I then called and asked if we needed the twenty, clear flower vases that looked exactly like the ten, clear flower vases presently in our house?  Likewise did we need the eight wine glasses to go with the sixteen wine glasses that we already have notwithstanding neither of us drink at all, much less wine.  Reminding her that Kodak recently went out of business I also asked if we need the box of 2,000 or so photos.  The answer was of course, "Yes, clear, flower vases are in high demand, you never know when we might have 24 wine drinkers over at the same time," and "I am going to scan the photos to the computer."

I wonder how many people die before they get the chance to scan their still photos onto the computer.  Then again probably not as many who die of boredom scanning pictures that they previously hadn't felt the need to look at in at least ten years.

KOKO

Just Deserts

People don't get what they deserve.  Good things often happen to bad people.  Bad things happen to good people.  Based on the week running up to the Superbowl the Giants were classless in their comments and predictions.  They didn't deserve to be champions.  The way the Patriots' played (or didn't play) they deserved to lose.  Before Brady and Belicheck arrived in New England we had no chance at a world title.  Now we have three.   The attacks, sometimes personal on Brady and Belicheck by the Boston media is undeserving.  The people of Boston deserve better than so called "journalists" critiquing the Patriots.

What started me on this line of thinking was an interview President Obama gave just before the Superbowl.  He said he "deserves" to be re-elected.  No politician "deserves" anything.  He or she serves at the request of the constituency her or she represents.  If you look at Obama's record the only thing he "deserves" is a "don't let the door hit you on the way out".  For the first time in modern history Obama had the support of the country and the opportunity to level the playing field.  He rode this vision right on to Pennsylvania Avenue.  Lacking both courage and character he was unable to do what was both necessary and right.  Like the Bush family that put us in this mess, he remained beholden to the special interests who lined his pocket. Why?  "He never failed to fail, it was the easy thing to do."  This is exactly why under Obama the 99% are worse off.  The 1% they continue to do just fine.

In an unpublicized move President Obama signed legislation that drastically effect the men and women who are willing to make the ultimate sacrifice.  First, these men and women make very little money.  An enlisted soldier makes roughly $18,000 a year.  If they want anything beyond the most basic of equipment they are financially responsible.  Soldiers used to receive $225 a month "combat pay".  Obama has redefined the definition of combat pay.  First, unless you are being shot at or forced to shoot on a regular basis you no longer are determined to be in "combat"  So most Marines dancing  around IEDs in Afghanistan are no longer entitled to the extra pay.  The other difference is the pay will now be pro-rated based on the number of days you are being shot at.  Basically, dodge a bullet make an extra $7.50.  Make it through the day just being in fear of being assassinated by the Pakistan and Saudi Arabian supported Taliban make your regular pay.

The Commander in Chief is now giving the US Marine Corp the middle finger.  Nobody deserves that. God forbid the 1% pay a nickel in taxes.  We'll balance the budget by nickel and diming the people defending this country.  This November let's show the President and every other member of Congress what they really deserve.

KOKO

88

Almost four years ago to the day something very bad happened in the Arizona desert.  Every yard the Giants gained in the final two minutes was like the thread of a stitch of my life unraveling.  When the Giants scored the whole thing just fell apart. Failure in life comes easy and quickly almost anyone can do it.  Success takes painstaking years of trudgery and drudgery.  Bill Belicheck is the greatest coach to ever patrol the sidelines and Tom Brady is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. But since that day many in the Boston media have been quick to criticize.  (In the interests of full disclosure I am a BB intravenous Kool-Aid user).  Boston columnists Ron Borges, Tony Massoratti and Micheal Felger have been declaring the emperor (Belicheck) really has no clothes for the last four years.  Borges actually apologized in a column this week.  Massoratti is a baseball guy.  Felger doesn't know his ass from a football (or anything else from that matter).

Like Tom and BB or maybe because of Tom and BB I never stopped believing.  They represent that age old lesson that all of us were taught.  When you get knocked down you crawl to your knees, stagger to your feet, and keep your mouth shut.  You keep that loss and more importantly that feeling in your right, front, pant's pocket.  Every time you stick your hand in you can feel it, roll it around, and let the sensation take you back.

New York represents everything that is wrong with this country: greed, selfish and self centeredness.  Eli Manning, an above average quarterback, has been anointed the second coming after Assante Samuel and Merriweather dropped two interceptions in that Superbowl.  His decision making under pressure is horrendous and like all New Yorkers he epitomizes the saying rather be lucky then good. (Tom Coughlin is also one of the greatest coaches of all time.  The fact that the dimwits in New York have wanted to fire him since he arrived proves it.)

I have watched enough sports to know that in big games it is often a big play made by a not so big name that turns the tide.  BB has been roundly criticized for signing Chad Johnson aka Chad Ochocinco.  BB knows that the point of a team is that all 65 players at some point contribute.  I look for Chad to contribute to the Patriots victory tomorrow.

In fact I am guaranteeing redemption in the form of a Patriot's victory.  How do I know you ask?  I don't see any way the Giants can lose.

KOKO

American Values

All of the geniuses, Republicans and Democrat are promising to return us to "American Values". Like pretty much everything else in my life I am unclear on the concept. After all the only true "Americans" were the Indians. Very spiritual people but since they wanted to just live off the land and not exploit and profit from it they were systematically wiped out. Is murdering and enslaving people because they are different an American Value? General Custer would seem to represent American values. Rushing head long and half ass into a battle were the Indians had one hundred bullets for every soldier. Despite his arrogance and complete ineptitude Custer has been glorified: a real valuable American.

Speaking about arrogant and inept, how about a modern day Custer, Mitt Romney. He inherited about $100 million but claims he worked his way up from the mail room. Despite his enormous wealth he has always acted in his best interest. Public service? Not unless he can gain financially or politically and even then not so much. He argues that he is entitled to a lower tax rate because he uses his enormous wealth to create jobs. How many American jobs are being created by the millions he has stashed in the Cayman Islands, Ireland and other tax shelters? I'll tell you: zero. So I guess being completely selfish and self centered is an American value.

President Obama believes in American values. Despite the fact he has never held a job that pays over $200,000 he is worth about $12 million. So I guess using inside information to personally benefit at the expense of others is an American Value. Mrs. Obama has used Air Force One as her private vacation jet taking the family (cousins and all) to warm sunny locales. I guess taking advantage of a situation is an American value.

Seems to me American values ain't all that valuable. How about a candidate who's somewhat honest and willing to act in something other than his own self interest? Now that would actually be worth something.

KOKO