Rocket Scientist Needed

One of my motorcycles is a Royal Enfield. It's basically a 1944 British Military Bike. Their motto is "Untainted by Technology". So when I was in the heart of the Big Dig tunnel with traffic going about 75mph and my untainted by technology machine became untainted by power (again, just like 1944) I saw my life flash before my eyes. I was actually able to get it going (by kick starting like crazy, just like 1944). When I got home I realized a nick in the positive battery cable was causing a short. How I found this out was by touching the bike's metal frame which had become a conduit for the power. So basically, I jumped a mile, my hair stood on end, and my finger started smoking, you guessed it, just like 1944.

As a housewarming gift I received a Pioneer Elite, surround sound receiver. My hope was that I could both maximize the pre-wired speakers around the house and organize the flatscreen, blue ray and dvr. Receiving the unit for gratis you would think I would spring for the installation. I didn't. Although given my complete lack of mechanical inclination (see above electrocution) I didn't do it myself. Instead I waited two months for the builder to find the free time to hook it up. After five years of college and four years of law school I figured I could determine how to use it, wrong again.

My Father's theory i if you can read you can do anything. (The flaw in this theory is the reason for say a jet pilot's license. Under his theory your next commercial flight could be piloted by a fourth grader.) The "easy, quick start manual" is 100 pages. The on-line actual manual is slightly longer than War and Peace.

The "Universal Remote" has 64 buttons all of which have two functions. You can barely read the tiny buttons much less the smaller secondary function. The remote also has two power buttons. I can't figure out who thought that was a good design idea. One power button controls the cable box and flat screen and the other controls the receiver. The problem is each power button negates the other so its essentially impossible to get all three units on at the same time. Plus its not really a "Universal" remote if it is divided into two sets of controls, right?

Here is an example from the "quick start" manual: "Playing a source, switch on your components and receiver. (This as set forth above is already impossible). Press AUTO/ALC/DIRECT (AUTO SURR/ALC/STREAM DIRECT) to select 'AUTO SURROUND' and start playback of the source." I have e-mailed NASA the above and I am hoping for a translation into English by the morning. I also called the Geek Squad who may be able to help me as soon as my $169.99 payment clears.

Whether untainted or tainted by technology there are people like me who are still screwed.

I didn't have these problems in Costa Rica.

KOKO