Albie Cullen's Blog, page 3

There Comes A Time

“There comes a time when a blind man takes your hand and says “Don’t You See” – Grateful Dead

I have suffered some physical and mental torture; almost all of my own making.  I have had the misfortune of knowing people who have had to endure tragedies.  But I cannot fathom what the parents in Sandy Hook are going through.  I do know I cannot pass a child on the street without almost breaking into tears.  I also know that I am very angry at those responsible.  I’m even more angry at the number of people with blood on their hands.

Those with the most responsibility will try and focus the attention on the “crazy” shooter.  Ever notice mental illness is almost always diagnosed after the crime is committed?  I know of no mental illness that holds children responsible for anything.  That is even the craziest person knows children are innocent.  There is no rational explanation for irrational behavior.  If you accept there is good in the world you must accept there is evil.  You can’t have one without the other.

How about the Connecticut State Police?  Fifty strong in their dress blues at every news conference.  Yet not one was available to help when those children needed it.  Probably in some coffee shop complaining about having to contribute $5 a month more to their health insurance.

How about the good old National Rifle Association?  ”Guns don’t kill people, people kill people”, remember that one?  Well in say England or Japan where people can’t get guns these things never happen.  Coincidence?  ”If we outlaw guns only outlaws will have guns”, I prefer that one.  Do we really need more gun stores than gas stations?  Should a housewife (the shooter’s mother) be able to collect automatic weapons like other people collect beanie babies?  How about the gun manufacturers?  Why do they manufacture more handguns then are sold?  Where do all those surplus guns go?  The gun executives sit in their ivory towers counting their money to the beat of empty shell casings which kill on average eight kids a day.

Who does the gun lobby manipulate?  Every politician from your city counselor to the President himself is to blame.  Politicians now only take action if it benefits his/her self interest.   There has been an evil on Wall Street for years.  Bankers driven by pure greed have evaporated billions of  middle class assets.  Then with hands out were given billions in tax dollars so as not to miss a single flight on their private jets.  The President, beholden to special interests has failed to accomplish anything in four years much less meaningful gun reform.

Now Speaker Boehner is treating the fiscal cliff like his own personal reality show.  He is manipulating a press corps that is both too lazy and too dumb to report on the real issue.  The issue being Boehner’s attempt to finish off the termination of the middle class that began under President Cheney.  Obama is no better.  Trying to keep entitlement programs for people who either abuse or don’t deserve them.  Starting with his own family, his aunt and uncle who are both here illegally and rely on government subsidies for existence.  If what truly goes around comes around then may the souls of the children at Sandy Hook haunt the President, the Speaker of the House, every Congressmen, Senator and the executives at Glock and Sig Sauer and their familes for eternity.  But then again people who participate in mass murder whether by design or simply by omission aren’t subject to the call of their conscience.

We are getting what we deserve America, don’t you think its finally time we deserve better?  I have been advocating for a revolution against our leaders since I began writing this column.  If we don’t force a change, incidents like Sandy Hook, if they haven’t already, will become the norm.

Finally, I have never and do not now advocate violence as a means for change.  However, if it becomes necessary at least thanks to our lack of political leadership we will be well armed.

KOKO

End of an Era

We all know all good things come to an end.  So I knew that the Bill Belicheck lead Patriots wouldn’t play forever.  I just didn’t realize that his reign would end with him still at the helm.  Even more surprisingly I would have never suspected  that Tom Brady would be the primary the culprit.

Like any love affair that hits great highs which are unsustainable the end arrives long before either party is aware.   Now don’t get me wrong as written previously in this space I am a Bill Belicheck intravenous Kool-Aid user.  I never saw Vince Lombardi but I can’t imagine a better coach (in any sport).  Likewise unless Tom Brady gets caught with either a dead woman or a live little boy he is a God in my eyes.  We were stuck in the endless cycle of Fall mediocrity with “Nancy” Drew Bledsoe at the helm (not much talk about his Hall of Fame credentials anymore).  BB and TB brought us three great championship seasons.  But alas those are a distant memory.

Hindsight, always being 20/20 says the end was clearly that 2008 Superbowl loss to the Giants after the 16-0 season.  The New England secondary hasn’t stopped a quarterback since they launched Eli from average to MVP.

Even after that game Bill’s teams had their chances but ironically it’s been Brady who failed to execute with the game on the line.  In the 2007, AFC Championship game had Brady converted a third and six the Patriots would have made their sixth Superbowl.  In last year’s 2012 Superbowl had Brady converted the pass to the open Wes Welker he and Terry Bradshaw would be wearing four rings.  Granted Brady has had to try and overcome the fact that his teams can’t play defense, but nonetheless more often then not (actually always recently) he’s failed to deliver with the game on the line.

So as I watched a Bill Belicheck team completely implode against a mediocre at best Seattle team I realized what Bill has had to know for a while.  The days of New England Patriot championships are behind us.     First off Josh McDaniels the offensive coordinator has little if any idea what he’s doing  (see 2007-2008 seasons).  If the offense has success on a given drive he tries something else.  At the end of the first half the Patriots completely mismanaged the clock and turned a first and goal into halftime.  Again with the game on the line in the fourth quarter and ahead by 13 points had McDaniels any idea what he was doing and had Brady been able to execute the Patriots would have won easily.  Losing and losing badly to Arizona and Seattle two of the NFL’s worst teams means one thing sports fans.  Like the Patriots secondary this team is beat.

KOKO

You Decide

If you think this post is political don’t worry.  Unless you live in Ohio or have a PAC running ads you don’t decide sh*t.  Imagine a city like Cleveland, which sucked even when the Grateful Dead were in town, deciding America’s future.  They did such a great job electing W the second time around I’m sure they’ll stick us with Mitt.

The Lovely Old Lady and I decided that we’d have a date night.  Basically, I’m awaiting the swells from Hurricane Rafael and she’s well trying to pretend she can still be nice.

Me: “What would you like to do?”

LOL: “I don’t know you decide, I do everything else.”  (A fact that is pretty much true.)

Me:  ”How about dinner and a movie?”

LOL: “Well, I don’t know if I could sit in a crowded movie theater and I don’t want to eat that late.  What movie?”

Me:  ”Seven Psychopaths.”

LOL:  ”I live with a psychopath, don’t need eight, how about Argo.”

Me:  ”Matinee and dinner?”

LOL:  ”I’d like to eat some popcorn so I’m not sure I’ll be hungy.”

Me:  ”Ok matinee and go from there.”

LOL:  ”Well, where were you thinking of going for dinner?”

Me:  ”Regina Pizza?”

LOL: “No, we have pizza all the time.”

Me:  ”But not Regina?”

LOL:  ”No,”  I said

Me:  ”Chinese?”

LOL:  ”Nooooooo. popcorn and chinese what are you an idiot.”

Me:  ”Smith & Wolensky?”

LOL:  ”To fancy, won’t be dressed or hungry enough.”

Me:  Sigh (of relief), LOL’s favorite question at Smith & Wolensky, “Can I get lobster with that?”

Me:  ”I don’t have many breaths left, you just tell me where you’d like to go.”

LOL:  ”You know I’m trying to be nice and let you decide, I’d don’t know where I’d like to go but you can go to . . .”

KOKO

 

 

Get Off My Cloud

Wonder what everyone did before reality TV and the Internet?  Probably enjoyed a book or a conversation or two.  Most people I know, myself included waste hours on the Internet.  Just the other day I found myself reading an article, “Ten things that mean you are dying”

Well as Bob Dylan said, “Once born you are just busying dying”.  But that wasn’t one of the ten.  My first inclination was “can’t breath” but that didn’t make the Top 10, either.  Or how about “can’t open eyes” or “see only bright light”.  Nope.  Basically if you bought some elixir you would live forever.  I’m not sure it was true.  Of course the Internet was brought to us by the founder of that other hoax global warming: Al Gore.  ”Hey Al come surfing with me in New Hampshire in January.  You won’t be able to find your man parts for two days they’ll be shrunk so small.  How’s that for warming.”  I decided to just bid on something on eBay I couldn’t possibly need or use but it had a skull logo and looked cool.

Speaking of buying on the Internet, you get a lot of great deals.  In addition to saving money you can buy all kinds of exotic goods.  Just the other day I tried to buy some coca leaf tea from Peru by way of Hong Kong.  Shockingly my credit card was charged instantly.  The tea didn’t arrive for about four weeks and the order was completely wrong.  Before the Internet how else could I be taken by a total stranger half way across the world?

Got an e-mail from Google the other day.  I should update my “Drive” to “Chrome”.  Didn’t even know I had a Google “Drive”.  Not sure why I would need chrome on anything other than my motorcycle.  I tried the upgrade but like my nuts in the New Hampshire winter waters, I couldn’t find my “Drive”.  Nonetheless I just kept clicking on links bring up different pages until I was really, really frustrated.  Another fifteen minutes completely wasted and closer to death.  Finally, I figured I’ve made it this far without a Google Drive could probably go another couple of years until they make it user friendly.   I decided to go to Facebook and wonder why a great guy and famous author like me can’t get more than 62 friends.

Apple keeps sending me notifications telling me to check my “Cloud”.   I need to make sure everything is backed up in my Cloud.  I keep looking up but the only cloud I see is the same black one that’s been following me for years.  Seriously, I don’t know where my Apple Cloud is, how to get to it, or what is in it.  I bet most people don’t.  So I tried to get this “Semi-Nude photos of Jennifer Anniston” pop-up off my screen.  I mean Brad Pitt had full nudity in real life and left so how good can the Internet photos be?

Finally, had this long document in PDF I didn’t want to re-type.  So I figured in this day and age I should be able to convert the document to word.  Google drive said it could do it.  But apparently if the document is longer than say one sentence, Google ain’t much help.  Tried putting the document in the Apple Cloud.  Not sure if it ever got there but if it did I have no idea how to get it out much less as a word document.  After about three hours (twice as long as it would have taken me to re-type the document) I paid Adobe $20 to convert the file.  Good thing about that is now I’ll get three emails a day from Adobe trying to sell me crap.

KOKO

 

Issues

Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.  However, the rumors regarding the three weeks of perfect waves here in New England were true.

We all have issues some personal, some professional, most mental.

The soon to be former President Obama has major issues.  Despite an opponent who disdains 47% of Americans last night’s debate may have sealed the ex-President’s fate. It’s clear that once elected Obama was the equivalent of a kook (beginner surfer) in over head, storm surf.   Four years later and he still hasn’t figured out how to catch a knee high wave.

Before we get to the “Forward” what happened to the “Change”.  Everyone is worse off then they were four years ago.  The exception being banks, big oil and insurance companies.  Not much change there.

But before you welcome Romney keep in mind he’s deep sixing Big Bird and PBS.  If he’s willing to go after children what do you think he’ll do for the middle class?  He’ll eliminate them as well.  Obama has been the worse President in modern history.  His finally accomplishment will be losing to America’s first dictator.

Democracy has a few issues.  America is a a great country because its filled with Americans.  So why are our leaders so inept?  Because “public service” now is just seen as an easy means to personal wealth.  Liz “face like Sitting Bull” Warren says she is for the little guy.  But at every opportunity she’s lied and cheated to advance her personal wealth.  She claimed she was a minority to get her high six figure gig at Harvard. Then to get a big fee from a corporate client practiced law in Massachusetts without taking the bar exam or paying the licensing fee.   No one is for the little guy like a multi-national conglomerate.  She has assisted her clients in avoiding legal settlements and paying health care and pension benefits.   Honesty is not an issue in these elections.  The truth is no where to be found.

Red Sox have some issues.  The apologists in the media are blaming injuries (I wasn’t aware quitting is now a medical condition).  In 2004 John Henry et al bought a championship roster assembled by Dan Duquette.  Over the last three years the owners after spending $1 billion dollars now have the worst team in baseball.  So you can trade Theo’s army of overpaid idiots, bad mouth Terry Francona, and fire Bobby V (who never should have been hired in the first place) but the task of rebuilding this team will be left to Henry, Werner and Lucchinno.  Three people whose track record indicates they are in deeper than President Obama (if that’s possible).  This team will be bad for as long as these owners are around.

Speaking of sports the NHL has issues.  Being a “have not” I’m not a fan of the “haves” making the rules but that’s kind of the way capitalism works (just ask President Romney).  Donald Fehr, the head of the player’s union didn’t learn this lesson the first time around.   Who do you think can go without hockey longer, the players or the owners?  (Notice neither give a flying F about the fans).  Hey Donald, if the players finally can you this time around send your resume to 1 Yawkey Way, you’d fit right in.

Closer to home I’ve had a few issues.  While I was at the beach The Lovely Old Lady (LOL) had a cleaning wipe surgically implanted in her hand.  The earth is covered in dust, dirt, and germs.  However if any of those enter my house its my fault.  Finally, I’ve always been absent minded.  My mother would constantly remind me whatever I was looking for was “wherever I left it”.  Older and wiser I’ve used this to my advantage.  I put things in the same place so I can find them.  So imagine my surprise when I realized today that most of my belongings have been moving themselves to the back of the closet in the unused guest bedroom.  It was like Christmas.  Things I thought I had lost or misplaced stacked neatly before my eyes.

KOKO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two

“It takes two, when it used to take one,” – Ryan Adams

Used to be voters would elect one candidate to one office.  Rarely did you even see the politician’s spouse much less give him or her any responsibility.

I’m not exactly sure when it started, but when electing a president in particular you now get a “twofer”.   Nancy Reagan returned from Mars just long enough to lead the war on drugs with the “Just say no campaign” which set addiction treatment back fifty years.   President Bush (Sr.) held office alone.  Rarely did you see Barbara but when you did she was the epitome of class and tastefulness.  Perhaps it started with Hillary.  Although it would seem in retrospect  she had time to be pissed at Bubba and little else.  Knowing what I know now I wish I had voted for Hillary.  There is no way she would cow-tow to Congress like O (don’t blame me) bama  You didn’t see all that much of  Laura Bush when W was in office.  She appeared just enough to let people know Bush’s deregulation of Wall Street wasn’t his first bad decision.

Despite never appearing on any ticket, never raising a single dollar or receieving a single vote Michelle Obama seems to be serving in an official capacity.  I believe she is in charge of physical fitness.  (No wonder obesity is an epidemic in America when the woman in charge of wellness could stand to lose twenty-five pounds.)  When not using the public till as an unlimited expense account Michelle is repeatedly asked for her opinion on all  matters.  1. Why?, b.) Who cares what she thinks.

So maybe the “team” candidate is an evolving concept.   However that is about to be taken to a new level tonight in Tampa when the featured speaker is Ann Romney.   Mrs. Romney was originally scheduled to speak last nnight, however the networks refused to cover it.   (I guess ABC figured they had the intellectually lacking, never worked a day in their life female angle covered with Bachelor Pad.)

I don’t know what Ann is going to say but whatever it is is an insult to every mother I know.  She claims to be a working mother but she never worked a day in her life.  Housework was for the maids and child rearing for the nannies.  Coupon clipping?  Not when you own two houses and have a new Cadillac stashed at each.  For thirty years she’s gone from the hair salon to the country club. True, she has  spent time with animals: million dollar show horses.)  The most stress she’s had is when everyone realized she and Mitt hadn’t paid a dime in income  taxes for the better part of ten years.

This isn’t a new low in American politics this is a new low in America.  Ask any other world leader whether he or she would want her spouse, who’s never done anything and isn’t qualified to do anything, talking ragtime on national television.  In fact in some countries (the smart ones) you’d be shot for simply suggesting the idea.

Honestly, I can’t think of a person’s opinion who means less not just to me but to the whole country.  And I thought the Bachelorette was bad female television.   Ann could make Emily look like a rocket scientist.

KOKO

How To Live With A Woman

Basically going on six weeks without the hint of a wave.  A flat spell of biblical proportions.  This has had numerous consequences, none of them good.   I’ve been spending more time than necessary, I mean usual with the Lovely Old Lady (LOL).  There is a lot of time and space spent trying to teach men how to be intimate with a woman.  We even have medications like Cialis which apparently if taken as prescribed will get you and your lady friend into separate bathtubs no matter where you are.  However, very little energy is devoted to how to live with your mate.  Remember that bestseller “Men for Jupiter, Woman from Mars” written by some quack psychiatrist?  Well, that was all wrong.  First off men are from earth, this earth as in here and now.  I can’t tell exactly where women are from but I know they are pissed that they ended up here with us.

Women are not morning people.  (Actually don’t seem to be big fans of the afternoon or evening, either).  So do not try and communicate in the morning.  I happened to roll over and catch the LOL’s eye as she was waking up, “f-off” was the greeting that started my day.

Natural occurrences like dust, dirt, rain, or crumbs are not natural and are essentially our fault.  We have Windex, Lysol, Fabuloso, Fabreze, Orange Champ, endless clean wipes and my favorite Pomegranate Surface Cleaner ($22 pink colored Windex) just to name a few.  We spend more on cleaning supplies then we do on food.  Likewise to combat the aforementioned dust, dirt, crumbs etc the LOL spends more time vacuuming then sleeping and eating combined.  (Don’t knock the vacuuming it’s less time they are focused on us.) The house is cleaner than most hospitals I’ve been in.  There are a few things that bother guys but dust is not one of them.

When I was fortunate enough to surf I would inevitably track sand in the house when I returned.  ”There’s sand in the house!’  Really? Sand where could that have possibly come from?

If you put something down never look for it where you left it.  In fact don’t look for it at all.  You could go out and buy a new one before you find whatever was misplaced.  This works out well with important documents. Say I leave the bills near the door so I remember to mail them.   Three weeks later I’ll find them at the bottom of my backpack, in my closet, my bad.

Truth is not a defense.  I point out that blow drying, dry hair is counterproductive (not to mention a waste of electricity); still happens everyday.  I say that the clicker does not shut off both the cable box and the TV (thus a waste of electricity); every morning I shut off the cable box.   If however the Comcast guy said the clicker did not shut off the TV and cable box then it would be true.

Speaking of technology, she is constantly on her cell phone, Facebook or e-mail unless I lock myself out and then its radio silence.

Better to beg for forgiveness than ask permission.  Your mistakes (also known as “insensitivity”) are being stockpiled like nuclear weapons.  Also like armaments they are kept silent for years.  So forget to take out the trash because you’re trying to catch the incoming tide.  No problem.  Ten years from now when she wants to dance at a wedding (white guys shouldn’t dance and they know it), this meaningless, trivial event will be brought up to reinforce  your selfishness.

One of the keys to better surfing is to be both selective and be in position.  That way you are not wasting energy.  DO NOT ARGUE!  The reason she is having the conversation is to once again point out your shortcomings.  The last thing she wants even if she asks is your opinion.  Why?  Because like everything else you do your opinion is wrong.

I don’t have many breaths left, I’m trying not to waste them.  Plus remember the old saying, “If you live near the airport long enough after a while you don’t even hear the planes.”

That my brothers is how you do it.

KOKO

 

 

Egyptian River Denial Flows All the Way to Boston

For months Red Sox ownership and the Boston media have been trying to convince Red Sox Nation that this team is a.) in the hunt for the wild card and 2.) can contend in October.   Granted even a broken clock is right twice a day however, I seem to be on a hot streak.  First, I correctly predicted the Superfecta in the Belmont which paid 700 to 1.  Second, I correctly predicted that Theo Epstein’s leadership would make General Custer look like a military genius.  Fortunately, for the rest of the cavalry Custer didn’t survive.  Unfortunately for Cubs’ fans Theo made it to Chicago.  Remember when the Sox won in Theo’s first year.   He was solely responsible.  (This is why Red Sox ownership refused to give former GM Dan Duquette a ring.)  However, now that the Cub’s are 44-68 in his first year, well you can’t blame Theo.

Under Theo the Red Sox primary focus was pitching.   (In sports defense wins championships and in baseball the pitcher is the number one defender.) Their “ace” Josh Beckett is 5-9 with an ERA of 5.  Ownership and its co-conspirators, The Boston Globe, want you to believe he is either hurt, having a bad year or the victim of bad luck.  However, Beckett is 53-48  over the last five years.  (If he is that unlucky let’s ask him who he likes in the Travers stakes, that way we can eliminate a couple ponies.)   This cost the Sox $16 million this year and $32 million over the next two years.  (To put this in perspective the Sox’ number 5 starter Tim Wakefield was 59-46 over his last five years).  Beckett missed a start earlier in the year with a back injury that could not be medically verified, i.e. “back spasms”.  The injury didn’t affect his golf swing, however.  In defense of his golf playing he stated that he only had 18 days off a year.  Based on the fact he makes 33 starts over a 162 game schedule by my math he actually has 129 days off.   If you count the offseason Beckett basically has 279 days off a year.

Next up John Lackey at $15 million.  Can’t lift a baseball but is ambidextrous when it comes to Bud Light cans.  I suggest that the Red Sox add a substance abuse blood test to it’s team physical.  Of course given the “injury” excuse the team doctors have not been quick to diagnose potential problems  (Carl Crawford having cleared a physical, apparently injured his arm, shoulder and neck using too heavy a pen when signing the $100 million contract leaving him unable to play effectively, if at all). Remember Theo picking up Bobby Jenks for a cool $12 million?  Then again the medical staff probably didn’t think a pill junkie could be 75 pounds overweight and suffering from chronic “back spasms”.  Closer Andrew Bailey has been out with a thumb injury longer than it takes most people to recover from thumb transplant surgery.  If your doctor is “the exclusive medical provider to the Boston Red Sox” get a second opinion, quick.

How about Jon Lester?  Came back from cancer, lead the team to the 2007 World Series, prince of the city right?  Wrong.  Decided to join the Beckett/Lackey workout plan: carbs (Bud Light) and protein (fried chicken).  He’s 6-10 with an ERA of 5 and 1/2.  for $8 million.  If he were a little league pitcher his coach would take him out for lack of effort and total indifference.  As the good ship Red Sox continues to take on water expect him to begin missing starts with you guessed it “back spasms”.

The Red Sox have lost 24 games, nearly half of their total losses, in games in which either Beckett or Lester has started (and Lackey has watched with a loaded Playmate cooler).  Not bad for 25% of the payroll.  In defense of new GM Ben Cherington I will say he did recognize there was no need to spend $11 million on Jonathan Papelbon when Aceves can blow games for one tenth the price.  Aceves loves to argue balls and strikes right before he gives up another game winning homer.  Every time he questions a call the ump should ask him “you still first in blown saves?”

In addition to horrendous player personnel moves (JD Drew, Mike Cameron, Edgar Renteria, Eric Gagne, Julio Lugo, for starters) this ownership hasn’t been to public relations savvy off the field either.  Fired the most popular Red Sox manager in history and then spread a rumor he had a drug problem.  Bought a lot of goodwill there.  Then John Henry’s former waitress turned wife sent the famous tweet about JH’s trip down the stairs (head first) and the Liverpool soccer club that coincided with the “greatest team ever’s” implosion in Baltimore.  How about demeaning Kevin Youkilis so that he is traded when his value is at an all-time low?  Of course pointing any or all of this out means that ownership doesn’t pocket the tens of millions in essentially non-refundable post season ticket deposits.  (The deposits are applied towards next year’s season tickets or returned next April after John Henry earns six months of interest on the fans’ dough).

Wildcard?  October? From the owner, to the front office to the medical staff to the closer this team is a bunch of losers.  After eighty-six years you get to know one when you see one.

KOKO

 

 

 

 

Friend of the Devil Is A Friend of Mine

“Ran into the Devil babe, he loaned me twenty bills/spent the night in Utah in a cave up in the hills” – Grateful Dead

As the LOL (lovely old lady) approaches the Guinness Book of World Records for most continuous moments (waking and sleeping) of being angry (nine days and counting) I started thinking.  (I also am trying to avoid the LOL but between work and lack of surf it’s easier said then done.)  Specifically, I began wondering why people spend so much time being angry (other than the LOL to whom it appears oxygen is a sufficient irritant.)

Long before Madison Avenue God knew the importance of good pub.  (He or she is God after all.)  That is if you live a godly life, good things (or a t a minimum not a lot of bad things will happen to you.)  This has lead many to say, “God is good, or God is great.”   The problem with that is we all have a dark side.  Our degrees of impulse control are all different.  However, we all at some point give into these baser desires.  Be it a smoke,  a toke, an extra slice of chocolate cake, a selfish or hurtful act the options are both many and varied.  Sin we all do it.

Sooner or later these decisions have consequences.  The Devil’s favorite tool is adversity.  That is the most likely result in response ego your ungodly decision is the positioning of a metaphorical hurdle in your life.  Think about it: smoking poses health risks, drinking creates hangovers, buying a bigger house encourages people to visit.   The almost universal response to adversity is frustration and anger.  This being ironic because we ourselves are the source of the frustration. Why should you get angry at something that is a direct result of your decision?

The best of us learn not to create the adversity in the first place (I know none of these people).  Some of us learn to focus on the solution and not the problem (I’m working on this).  Many learn to live with adversity, (“I tell my demons to do your best to destroy me/I’ve been to hell and back so many times you’ve begun to bore me”).  The remaining people, like the LOL just stay angry.

Q:  ”I’m getting up and going surfing, would you like to come to the beach with me?

A:  ”You never get up before 8, you are never up before me, you have never gotten up, ever.”

I did point out that I must get up at some point since I both work and surf.  This did not get an answer to the beach question and only induced a string of profanities unfit to publish here.

Why do I in the form of the LOL encounter so much adversity?   Through addiction I spent twenty plus years as the Devil’s right hand man.  I earned it.  The LOL’s charming personality is the consequence of my actions.

“I ran down to the levee but the Devil got me there/took my twenty dollar bill and vanished in the air/said I’m running but I’ll take my time/a friend of the devil is a friend of mine.”

KOKO

Why You Should Surf

Hello Faithful,

Been a while.   Fortunately June which usually is the winter of the New England surf season with long, dreaded flat spells has been largely pumping (waves pounding in).  So while sitting on my board waiting for my next set I got to thinking why surfing is so great.

There is a lot of time spent by surfers from pros on down (myself included) explaining why they surf.  ”Some come to laugh the past away, some come to make it one more day.”  And “only one in ten thousand comes for the show.”  As these Grateful Dead lyrics opine why you should surf normally would fall into the category “if I have to explain you could never understand.”  However, given that the beaches from Hampton to Gansett more closely resemble Canobie Lake lately I figure I could give it a try.

1. “I’m just staring at the ceiling waiting for the feeling.” Whatever your sport of choice, baseball, basketball, hockey, or soccer you will never know what its like to win the World Championship.  You won’t hoist the Cup knowing your name will be engraved there for eternity.  But when you are paddling for a wave and you feel that board “catch” and you begin to drop you are feeling the exact same excitement that ten time world champion surfer Kelly Slater feels.  As a guy the only feeling that comes close is some high school sweetie slowly unbuttoning your 501 jeans.  You know you are going to get some.  You also know even if its bad its still going to be pretty good.  If I were a woman I’d imagine its the same feeling as when your old man comes home drunk and passes out before he interrupts the Bachelorette.

Of course the converse of this is true.  That is when you lose it on a head high wave the feeling of being in a washing machine spin cycle with a fiberglass board bouncing off you only to momentarily pause before the next set wave repeats the process is the same feeling those big wave hunters feel when they lose it on a 40 footer at Mavericks.  While the degree of thrashing may be different when you realize drowning is a real possibility the feeling is pretty much the same.

2.  ”Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can.”  Many religions, twelve step programs, gurus and life coaches stress the importance of both staying in and enjoying the moment.  I have found no other activity that forces you to be more in the moment than surfing.  If you are not in the moment you a. will most likely experience the aforementioned “drowning” sensation repeatedly or 2. you shouldn’t be surfing.

3. “To the oceans white with foam.”  By definition you will almost find yourself in some of the most natural, spectacular, beautiful places on earth.  While I’m sure there are waves located in hell holes as a general rule you will be on break surrounded by breathtaking sand, rocks, and cliffs.  Surf at dusk or dawn and you will be covered in a canopy of purple, orange and red turning to a deep blue or black depending on the time.  (Keep in mind that this is also the time the Landlords (sharks) seek to collect the rent, in surfing like life, nothing for nothing.)

In addition to beautiful scenery the surfers aren’t bad either.  If you know a serious surfer he or she is in pretty good shape.  Surfing is a workout that produces what expensive personal trainers promise but can’t deliver on land: perfect muscle tone without the bulk or the fat.  When there is a long lull between sets nothing passes the time like ogling beautiful people covered in little more than tattoos.  (As an aside why do some women buy bathing suits that don’t really cover anything and then spend the whole day constantly tugging the bikini bottom down over their backside, did they think the suit would look bigger once they put it on or maybe there ass would look smaller?  If you have it, show it.   But ladies keep in mind thongs are like a driver’s license, that is they are a right not a privilege.)

4.  ”I get by with a little help from my friends, I get high with a little help from my friends.”  For the most part surfers are cool, kind people.  It’s not a tight knit community and while you are a kook (beginner) you will have to deal with some impatience in the line up.  Just make sure you know the rules and the Code.  It’s one thing to be learning or a bad surfer. But it’s another to be a danger to everyone in the water.  If you don’t know the rules or the Code just ask.  This goes for parents supervising children as well.  Like all walks of life there are always assholes in the line up (look for a guy who thinks he is a good surfer but can never be because he spends more time running his mouth than surfing.)  If you can’t ignore him, move, its a big ocean.  Enjoying your session is a right, not a privilege.

If the above hasn’t convinced you to give it a try you will save me some aggravation from my fellow watermen.  From the looks of the New England breaks so far this summer there are more kooks then ever.

KOKO