Albie Cullen's Blog, page 9

One Man Gathers What Another Man Spills

The neighbors here in South Boston have an interesting way of welcoming you to the neighborhood. They help you move. That is anything you leave unattended for less than a minute they take. When I initially moved in in an effort to get the rental truck back I unloaded the truck on the sidewalk. That was a big mistake. Essentially anything I was unable to carry on my first trip was no longer on the sidewalk for my second trip.

Today, my Mother had a gas grill she no longer wanted. Because the grill was big and I was on my own, I broke the grill down into pieces. After taking the tanks, grills and cover into the back yard I came out to find the grill base had disappeared without a trace.

In an effort to introduce myself to my neighborly neighbors my plan is to put the rest of the grill back out front tomorrow. I will wait under the cover with the rotisserie and when someone goes to grab it, I'll stick 'em. I'll ask them where the rest of the grill is and then slow roast them for a few days out front. Hopefully that will act as a deterrent.

Speaking of gathering trash no one is better at it than Red Sox GM Theo Epstein. From day one I said Theo was a poor (very poor) man's Billy (Moneyball) Beane. In fact what Theo and Bill have in common is they both are breathing males that's about it.

After Papel blew another one in his first meaningful game since he pissed away the 2009 Division Series the Sox chances in 2011 are DOA. Like Bernie Madoff when he realized the jig was up Theo figured the best defense is a good offense. He made a rare media appearance a couple of days ago.

Epstein defended left fielder Carl Crawford, who is having one of the poorest seasons of his career after signing a seven-year, $142 million contract.

"Obviously if you could pinpoint an exact reason why it happens, someone would have done something to address it by now,'' Epstein said. "I'll say this, he's never stopped working his tail off. He's never stopped fighting. He's shown accountability, taking responsibility for the year he's had. That's a great sign, a great indication that he's going to bounce back from this.''

Twenty-five other GM's did pinpoint it Theo; Crawford can't hit a fastball. At the Major League level, hard work is no substitute for talent. If that were the case anyone who practiced hard could play major league baseball.

On John Lackey's bad season: "It's hard to explain. Again, if we could pinpoint the reason we would have addressed it by now. It's a number of factors. It's very difficult to explain. He's had a much better track record than this. We have to spend a lot of time trying to get him back to what he was."

As Curt Schilling pointed out last week Lackey's "number of factors" have been consistent throughout his career: essentially a .500 pitcher with marginal control, a high ERA, and an uncanny inability to pitch in Fenway. Not exactly a ringing endorsement from one of Theo's closest former players.

Theo's supporters (dwindling by the day) cite his history of developing young talent. I don't see any talent coming to bail out the SS Red Sox Titanic after it hit the iceberg September 1.

I wonder if Theo lives in Southie. Maybe we'll all get lucky and he's the one I'll end up sticking tomorrow.

KOKO

Take A Hike

Unfortunately stupidity is not a crime punishable by imprisonment in the United States. Other countries, however, have stricter laws.

The release of the two Americans who spent nearly two years in an Iranian prison was met with much fanfare. They were arrested after they were caught wandering aimlessly around a remote region of the Iran. Iran first accused and then convicted them of spying. They were sentenced to eight years in prison. Through diplomatic relations they were released on $500,000 bail each. While it's not clear who posted the bail (I pray not the US Government) these two dimwitted adventurers had enough sense to immediately jump bail and leave Iran. Proving that the Iranian justice system, unlike the United States' system) if nothing else does work as a deterrent.

The hikers' version was that they were hiking in Iraq and "got lost". Let me just say like most criminal defendants that story is neither plausible or believable. There are a lot of hiking trails in this world. I'm not a hiker but I would assume Arizona, Colorado, and California have more than their fair share of scenic and challenging climbs.

I am a surfer. Despite the fact that there are great waves in the Gaza Strip, the Mexican territories controlled by drug cartels, and the South American waters controlled by rebels I don't even consider "hanging ten" in any of those places. Round rock and Flags at Daddy's home (literally) break in Seabrook, Newport, Narragansett or Coast Guard work just fine. If and when I do travel it will be to a plush resort in Costa Rica or to visit Gavin in South Africa.

In short I believe the Iranian government's version of events. If it were up to me I would have let these two cool their hiking heels for the remainder of the eight year sentence.

Instead of wasting diplomatic efforts on two CIA operatives who aren't smart enough to read the GPS on their iPhones why don't we concentrate on Iraq and Afghanistan. At least there we would save thousands of brave US soldiers from harm's way.

KOKO

Hall of Blame

Awards that were once prestigious have essentially been rendered meaningless. The Oscars, the Hall of Fame and the Pulitzer Prize all now worth little if not worthless, (I mean Drown wasn't even nominated for the Pulitzer). The reason for their demise is twofold. First, awards are being given to people who don't deserve them. No one is better at this than the Grammy music awards (except maybe the MTV "Astronaut"). Then there are people who deserve awards who haven't received them. Pete Rose, Shoeless Joe Jackson, Mark Maguire, Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds all belong in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Pete Rose earned it on the field. The fact he liked a pony or two, or three or four off the field has nothing to do with his baseball performance. Shoeless Joe never did anything wrong. As for the steroid generation Major League Baseball was not only complicit in the use of performance drugs, by not banning them, Major League Baseball condoned their use. Also it was a level playing field as it is now clear everyone from the batboy to the bullpen catcher were "juicing".

The other problem is in this politically correct world everyone is a "winner". Everyone in my eight-year old nephew's soccer league gets trophies. This by definition is not possible. As my nephew correctly asked, "If we are all winners, who are the losers?" Elaborate kindergarten graduation ceremonies and unearned rewards are not a good precedent for the real, cruel, winner take all world.

So I was amused but not surprised when the New England Patriots inducted Drew (as in Nancy Drew) Bledsoe into their Hall of Fame. If you're wondering what Drew did to earn such accolades, I'll tell you: nothing. He was a much heralded draft pick who never improved and neither did his teams. His incompetence in tight spots was legendary. Remember the reverse lateral in the Pittsburgh playoff game? I'm not sure if he could read a book but he sure as hell couldn't read defenses. Fortunately the football gods smiled on us and the injured Drew was replaced by the greatest NFL player of all time, Tom Brady. Looking back its hard to believe there was actually a quarterback controversy at the time.

I personally met Drew once. His shortcomings as a player were equal to his shortcomings as an individual. We were both drinking backstage at a Fleetwood Mac concert. Fleetwood Mac would not take the stage until the backstage area was clear. Drew and I were the last two. A rather large bodyguard asked why I was still there. "Free booze", I said. It appeared like the correct answer. He then asked Drew the same question. Drew said, "I'm famous." "What's your name?" the bouncer asked. "Drew Bledsoe". "Never heard of you," the bodyguard said looking at me. "Do you know who he is?" "Yeah," I said. "Some jerk who thinks he's famous. I'd tell him to get out of here." Which somewhat to my surprise the bouncer did. Drew protested that with the house lights still up he would get, "mobbed". We watched him walk all the way down the aisle. A few people recognized him. They booed.

Come to think of it I didn't hear any cheers when they announced his induction.

KOKO

Quack, Quack

Sitting here watching the final, painful, painstaking two hours of Bachelor Pad. At least I figured out why its called Bachelor Pad. Because "Collection of the World's Shallowest, Self-Centered People" would not quite attract the essential sponsorship dollars.

Meanwhile the $250,000 first prize is not going to go quite as far as these small minded, small screen stars think. First off Uncle Sam is going to grab roughly the first 100 Gs. That will leave about $75,000 a piece. I bet if the arbitron television rating service could quantify viewers by profession bill collectors would by far be the largest audience. (Divorce attorneys would be a not to distant second.) Not only have these people not worked a day in their life as far as I can tell they are also unemployable. Plus what employer is going to hire someone who has spent the last six months making a complete jack-ass out of themselves weekly on national television.

That will be the true reality for these "reality stars".

But as usual I digress. Personally I've hit a rough stretch of road. The purchase of the house was emotionally draining but at least there was something to show for the struggle in the end: a $400,000 mortgage.

Unfortunately the grim reaper has set up shop close to home. This brings me to doctors. Doctors get a free pass in this world. Not sure why as in my experience most if not all understand medical textbooks and little else. Life with all of its unpredicablity can't be quantified in any textbook. I like my doctor. When she doesn't know the answer to something she says, "I don't know". I have found this to be unusual. With regard to my recently deceased friends all were given "three years" by the doctors entrusted with their care. All went into the hospital suddenly within six months and never came out (unless you count being carried out within a week). Maybe doctors use a different calendar than their patients?

The point is if your doctor tells you something that just doesn't sound right, and tells you to trust them because, "he or she is a doctor" get a second or even third opinion. Why, you ask?

You don't want your last days on this planet to be spent watching The Bachelor or The Bchelorette, right?

KOKO

The Death of A Nation

Today marks the ten year anniversary of the death of America. For over two hundred years we battled, defended, scratched and crawled to make this country a better place for ourselves and future generations. Ten years ago in a matter of minutes all of that changed.

Osama Bin Laden was a cold blooded, murderous, coward. It took far too long for him to begin to get what he deserved. What we deserve is that every member of the Saudi royal family that continued to support Osama face a firing squad.

But Osama succeeded in killing a nation. He realized America had become increasingly lazy, greedy and full of itself. Other countries had long grown tired of America's arrogance. Osama also knew that with the Bush's family fortune tied to oil, the Bush's would never confront the Saudis on Osama thereby insuring his safety. He was right on all counts.

Since September 11, 2001 America has spent trillions of dollars in Iraq and Afghanistan whose domestic factions have been at war for centuries. (Not to mention the billions in aid to the duplicitous Pakistanis and Afghans who continue to both steal from their people and support terrorism.) Two countries in which the US actually has no real national interest. What's far worse than the money is the lives of the US servicemen and women that have been lost. Because we've reduced ourselves to the terrorists' level of retribution, Osama Bin Laden keeps killing even from the grave.

Domestically we haven't fared much better. All of the economic numbers point to a depression yet our leaders keep spinning a cover story of "recovery". On September 10, 2001 the Dow Jones was at 9,603. On Friday it closed at 10,992. That's less than a one percent growth over the last decade. The United States hasn't exactly been an economic super power.

How about you? You feel better about the future than you did ten years ago? Do you feel confident that your children will have a better tomorrow? Do you have confidence that our elected officials are acting in our best interest. Do you still think America is a great country?

If you answered, "Yes" to any of these questions you are only lying to yourself. I've seen and know the truth. Until we as people are willing to once again stand up and say enough to Nobama, Boehner, war, Wall Street, big oil, and the insurance industry Bin Laden will continue winning.

KOKO

1978

If you're a Red Sox fan you suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD). PTSD is defined as someone subjected to repeated and/or severe trauma. The five greatest collapses in the history of mankind are the Fall of the Inca Empire, the 1978 Red Sox collapse, The Fall of the Roman Empire, the 1975 Red Sox fold and the 1986 Red Sox debacle.

I was in the bleachers for Game 7 of the 1975 World Series. I watched in horror as Tony Perez deposited Bill Lee's eephus (a cute name for a 70 mph hanging, breaking ball) into orbit.

My exploits in in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series are well chronicled by Billy Sunday in Drown. In summary if Buckner fields the ball my life hits its pinnacle. Instead it was the beginning of a slow, steady decline that seemingly continues to this day.

Surprisingly, while both of these disappointments happened in the World Series its 1978 that really sticks with me. Whenever I see a front runner collapse I have flashbacks (this gets particularly ugly at the horse track). That Sox team coughed up a 14 game All-Star break lead, culminating in a four game sweep at the hands of the Yankees in Fenway that September, (now affectionately referred to as the "Boston Massacre"). Bucky (F'in) Dent finished the job in a one game, playoff at Fenway where again I was in the bleachers.

The championships of 2004 and 2007 helped chase the demons at least temporarily. But in reality the Sox have won two titles in a century. With the benefit of history these wins now appear almost accidental, like a broken clock being right twice a day.

If 99% of life is showing up the other one percent is showing up at the right time: enter Theo Epstein. Unlike everyone else I was unwilling to believe in Theo for the sole reason of "needing a reason to believe".

The 2011 Red Sox went 2-10 to start the season. They are 3-9 in their last twelve. This season Theo's true abilities are on display. There is John Lackey who at $16 million can't locate a fastball, Carl Crawford who at $15 million can't hit a fastball, and JD Drew who at $14 million can't throw or hit a fastball due to an injury called, "loss of interest".

The other night in Toronto the Sox for the eighth straight time were trying to get Wakefield his 200th win. (As an aside how many times do you think Bill Belicheck has put a personal goal before the team's welfare, answer never.) With the Sox up 8-5 in the 8th inning Theo's co-conspirator, manager Terry Francona watched quietly as Daniel Bard walked in two runs to tie the game. (I walked in a run in Little League the manager unlike Terry wasn't going to give me another opportunity.) Matt Albers then came in and pitched like well another Theo overpaid, underperforming pick up. He gave up three more runs.

As the Sox mounted a come back in the ninth, Terry elected to have the pinch runner attempt a steal of second. He was thrown out to end the game by the distance of most horse races, a country mile. Incompetence isn't a curse it's a quality.

But I'm not here to tell you I told you so Sox fans. I'm just telling you it feels a lot like 1978. I know I remember it like yesterday.

KOKO

Going Postal

I was just thinking how badly George W. Bush has screwed up not just the country but the world. He may be the only individual about whom I can honestly say had he not be been born we would all be better off.

As the ten year anniversary of 9/11 approaches nobody ever mentions that the only act of war on US soil was on W's watch. While I don't hold him personally responsible I do hold him professionally responsible. He then used the death of almost 3,000 innocent individuals to his political advantage. That is he used the "fear" of terrorism to lead us blindly into Iraq and Afghanistan. He also used that fear to beat Senator Ketchup (D (Dimwit) — Massachusetts) in the Presidential Election. (Don't for a minute believe that W didn't know where Osama could be found The Saudi's financed 80% of Brother Osama's operation. The Bush family loves the Saudis as much as the Saudi's love terrorists.)

His second term was were Bush and his cronies did their best domestic work. By allowing Wall Street to both legally and mostly illegally pursue every greedy desire we will be mired in a recession for years to come. Thanks to George things are so bad that jobs that were once thought to be secure (primarily government jobs) are now disposable. Cops, teachers and fireman are all on the unemployment line.

This brings me to the post office. I lived next to the post office for three years. They were a great neighbor both as an institution and as individuals. For .44 cents I could send a message from Southie to South Florida in a day. That's great service. However, the management is not quite as efficient as the Post Office is $5.5 billion short.

There are logical things the post office could do. Charging a $1 to mail a letter would still be much cheaper than UPS or Fed-Ex. Is there anyone who couldn't survive without Saturday delivery? The most obvious answer to me would be to charge anything that is "junk mail" (catalogues and unsolicited offers for starters), $5 per unit. (This mail now receives a significant discount.) Think of the time you would save not to mention the trash.

What will happen however, is hard working, honest individuals will lose their jobs, pensions and health insurance. Some of these people will have 10 plus years experience and will essentially be asked to return to an entry level position at best. For those postal employees lucky enough to stay employed based on past experience I would hope Kevlar vests become standard uniform. (As an aside how is the economy "recovering" when the world's biggest employer, the US Government is pink slipping people by the tens of thousands?)

I have one last idea: how about a George W. Bush commemorative stamp, "The deadliest, dumbest elected official ever". I know I'd buy a few rolls

KOKO

Random Thoughts

Sitting here in the dark with no cable, I was just thinking.

Living in Southie is great. When you leave stuff on the sidewalk as you move in people steal it. Your neighbor on the left is a nice working girl whose quiet and polite. Your neighbor on the right is waiting for Whitey to return to power and flicks cigarette butts at you as you walk past. No one on the street is particularly happy to see you move in as you basically represent the loss of two more parking spaces. They were even more pleased when my two motorcycles arrived today.

The Sox just went 2-4, with four bad losses against two playoff teams. You go 2-4 in October and your home in time to celebrate Columbus Day. The Sox have no number three starter, John "$14 million" Lackey's numbers are worse than most teams' number five starters. The bottom half of the order is as automatic as 1-2-3 against playoff caliber pitching. Yet everyone has them as the team to beat. The bid to get Wakefield win number 200 has turned into an automatic loss every five days. Wake is a good Red Sox, but this isn't Little League where everyone gets a chance. This is a pennant race.

It's a contract year for the boy wonder who became an average at best young man, Theo Epstein. In an effort to create a bidding war he's floating a story that the Cubs are interested. Hey Theo, how can we say good-bye if you never leave? Not sure what those Cub's fans did to that billy goat but Theo? God help you. Maybe you'll get real lucky and see free agents JD Drew and Julio Lugo in a Cub's uniform.

Texas Governor Rick Perry has Mitt Romney so scared Mitt's joining the Tea Party. Turns out the reason for Texas' low unemployment is that anyone who donated a gee whizz to Rick received a pretty good government job. The more you donated the better the job. The problem with guys like Mitt who have never done anything other than be born on third thinking they actually hit a triple is that by definition they can't stand for anything.

"The challenge is not simply to replace Obama in 2012. The real challenge is who and what we will replace him with. We know its not enough to simply change the uniform." Finally, a political candidate whose actually making sense. Who you ask? Sarah Palin.

Thank God I'm surfing tomorrow, thinking has never been my thing.

KOKO

"The Three Men I Admire Most"

"The three men I admire most The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost/Caught the last train for the Coast/The day the music died." Don McLean – "American Pie".

Many of the Faithful have been questioning my whereabouts. Yes, Irene accounts for two straight days of surfing. But the waves have long since left. Turns out the seller's attorney was able to get his act together long enough to sell me a house.

The closing was on September 1, which worked out well since due to the large student population only 99% of the apartments turn over on September 1, in Boston. Before I get started on the details, assuming you are in good health moving is the second worst experience I know. (The first being surfing with Daddy at Jeness Beach after a storm. With head high waves pounding in Daddy always assures me we can paddle out to the break. After an hour of being "caught inside" always ending in a near death experience we wash back up on shore. Daddy says, "I thought we could make it." (Yes, if Daddy asked me to jump off a bridge I would.) But I digress.

The LOL (lovely old lady) is tremendous under stressful situations: tremendously bad. So about three hours in no one was speaking. Actually worked out well since we were able to concentrate on the task at hand. (After locating the closest UHaul truck 60 miles away I saved maybe a net $100 doing it myself.)

Moving is common misery, we have all done it. When I was young I only possessed what could fit in the back of a Honda hatchback. That was in case I had to leave town in a hurry, which back then I often did. Now like everyone else I have too much "stuff".

Some of the stuff I treasure is basically unique and signed memorabilia from the three men I admire most: Keith Richards, Bob Dylan and Chris Robinson. I was kind of excited to be able to display these trophies. One step into the house the LOL stated, "Nothing to do with you, Keith, Bobby, or Chris is coming in this house."

When I mentioned that we needed some gnomes for the front door (Chris Robinson is always accompanied on stage by a trio of gnomes), the LOL yelled, "You are NOT Chris Robinson."

Home ownership is great though. I am sitting in the dark (electric company still a little tied up with the 500,000 storm outages). I have no cable (Comcast busy with the other 99% of the people who moved two days ago.) For the second straight night I have to actually converse with the LOL.

Unpacking has been great too. I put stuff where I want it. When I leave the LOL moves it and I can't find anything. I'd be happy if I could just locate the keys to the surf mobile so I could join the fellas at "the Coast". More waves on the way, thank you Father, Son and the Holy Ghost.

KOKO

I Don't Want To Talk To Jesus

"I don't want to talk to Jesus, I just want to see his face," that's how Keith Richards saw it.

However, it appears a number of the Republican Presidential hopefuls have regular audiences not just with Jesus but God himself. (George Bush claimed God spoke to him. But since he spent eight years both burying this country in two wars and burying the economy it appears at a minimum he was not a very good listener.)

Texas Governor Rick Perry claims that God speaks to him regularly. In fact God himself (or herself) told him to run for President. Governor Perry claims that because Texas has weathered the economy particularly well he is now qualified to lead us to the Promised Land. Ironically, Texas' success is largely if not wholly due to the threefold increase in the price of a barrel of oil. The run up coincides with his term in office. Perry says, "America's economic woes are attributable to the country's loss of "Biblical Principles"." Actually Governor America's economic woes are primarily attributable to the tax free, billion dollar profits, charged by greedy oil companies located in Texas. God must like oil because the rise in oil prices also financially benefited the Bush family and every member of his White House Administration.

The latest nominee to hear from God is Michele "she's only kidding" Bachmann. (Why doesn't anyone thank John McCain for elevating the Tea Party from the nuthouse to quite possibly the White House?) She claims that the recent Virginia earthquake and Hurricane Irene are signs from God that he is unhappy with President Obama. First off if God wasn't unhappy with O so bad for me and my mama he would be the only one. But I'm not sure of the connection between natural disasters and political commentary.

Regardless, Bachhmann's spokesperson stated what has become the campaign mantra: "the remarks were made in jest". The campaign has had that reaction so many times I think its fair to say Bachmann's candidacy is a joke.

I speak to God. Like today while surfing ten-foot waves in Narragansett. I'm alive so I think he listens. God doesn't speak to me that I kknow of, but sometimes he sends messages through the shuffle song feature on my iPod but that's a whole other blog.

KOKO