How To Live With A Woman
Basically going on six weeks without the hint of a wave. A flat spell of biblical proportions. This has had numerous consequences, none of them good. I’ve been spending more time than necessary, I mean usual with the Lovely Old Lady (LOL). There is a lot of time and space spent trying to teach men how to be intimate with a woman. We even have medications like Cialis which apparently if taken as prescribed will get you and your lady friend into separate bathtubs no matter where you are. However, very little energy is devoted to how to live with your mate. Remember that bestseller “Men for Jupiter, Woman from Mars” written by some quack psychiatrist? Well, that was all wrong. First off men are from earth, this earth as in here and now. I can’t tell exactly where women are from but I know they are pissed that they ended up here with us.
Women are not morning people. (Actually don’t seem to be big fans of the afternoon or evening, either). So do not try and communicate in the morning. I happened to roll over and catch the LOL’s eye as she was waking up, “f-off” was the greeting that started my day.
Natural occurrences like dust, dirt, rain, or crumbs are not natural and are essentially our fault. We have Windex, Lysol, Fabuloso, Fabreze, Orange Champ, endless clean wipes and my favorite Pomegranate Surface Cleaner ($22 pink colored Windex) just to name a few. We spend more on cleaning supplies then we do on food. Likewise to combat the aforementioned dust, dirt, crumbs etc the LOL spends more time vacuuming then sleeping and eating combined. (Don’t knock the vacuuming it’s less time they are focused on us.) The house is cleaner than most hospitals I’ve been in. There are a few things that bother guys but dust is not one of them.
When I was fortunate enough to surf I would inevitably track sand in the house when I returned. ”There’s sand in the house!’ Really? Sand where could that have possibly come from?
If you put something down never look for it where you left it. In fact don’t look for it at all. You could go out and buy a new one before you find whatever was misplaced. This works out well with important documents. Say I leave the bills near the door so I remember to mail them. Three weeks later I’ll find them at the bottom of my backpack, in my closet, my bad.
Truth is not a defense. I point out that blow drying, dry hair is counterproductive (not to mention a waste of electricity); still happens everyday. I say that the clicker does not shut off both the cable box and the TV (thus a waste of electricity); every morning I shut off the cable box. If however the Comcast guy said the clicker did not shut off the TV and cable box then it would be true.
Speaking of technology, she is constantly on her cell phone, Facebook or e-mail unless I lock myself out and then its radio silence.
Better to beg for forgiveness than ask permission. Your mistakes (also known as “insensitivity”) are being stockpiled like nuclear weapons. Also like armaments they are kept silent for years. So forget to take out the trash because you’re trying to catch the incoming tide. No problem. Ten years from now when she wants to dance at a wedding (white guys shouldn’t dance and they know it), this meaningless, trivial event will be brought up to reinforce your selfishness.
One of the keys to better surfing is to be both selective and be in position. That way you are not wasting energy. DO NOT ARGUE! The reason she is having the conversation is to once again point out your shortcomings. The last thing she wants even if she asks is your opinion. Why? Because like everything else you do your opinion is wrong.
I don’t have many breaths left, I’m trying not to waste them. Plus remember the old saying, “If you live near the airport long enough after a while you don’t even hear the planes.”
That my brothers is how you do it.
KOKO
