A Day In The Life

Someone asked me what is a day in the life of a famous author like? Well, I'll tell you.

I wake up most mornings around 7. The only reason I feel like getting out of bed is to crawl under it. The Lovely Old Lady (LOL) is usually already upset by some meaningful misstep on my part (like allowing the daily, morning surf report on my iPhone to "ding").

I drag my old, tired behind out of bed. I guzzle a Red Bull and some coca leaves and we are at least moving. After showering and getting to the office there is usually an e-mail from the bank. The e-mail advises me that there will be another (as in third or fourth) $375 non-refundable, miscellaneous charge in connection with my mortgage application. Also if I could fax my billing records from the last ten years I might get a loan.

I then speak with the real estate broker who assures me (for the third time in three weeks) that the other unit in the building will close this week and then I can close. I mention I have not received any of the necessary legal documents. The broker says call the lawyer.

I e-mail the lawyer beacuse I can't take his BS over the phone anymore. He assures me (for the sixth straight week) that I will have the documents. When I do receive a document it usually has the wrong address for starters.

I then head to court where all of my guilty clients with lengthy criminal records complain that they are the victim. Since I have not adequately portrayed this to the judge, the clients insist on speaking to the judge directly. They talk the judge into giving them two additional years on average.

If God is kind there will be some waves. After convincing the LOL she CAN drive a little car I get the surf mobile and gun it for the coast. If there are no waves a run and an AA meeting will usually restore me to sanity at least temporarily.

I then get home and work tirelessly on novels that no one will ever read. All the while the LOL watches episode after episode of the Bachelor Pad on demand.

"Up on housing project hill/It's either fortune or fame/You must pick one or the other/Though neither of them are to be what they claim."

I retire to the stoop chain smoking cigars and drinking poppy tea. I wonder how I am going to make it through another day.

"I read the news today, oh boy/About a lucky man who made the grade/and though the news was rather sad/Well, I just had to laugh/I saw the photograph/He blew his mind out in a car/he didn't notice that the light had changed.

KOKO