Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 46
October 28, 2020
Are You Trying to Reach Orgasm Backwards?
I’m pretty sure that when most people start The Orgasm Course, they’re going to head right to Module 4.
That’s where we talk about sexual technique and how to figure out arousal and orgasm! That’s where we go over erogenous zones and how most women like to be touched and what tends to make her feel good!
And that’s all well and good, because there’s great specific information in Module 4, and a lot of encouragement to get you there!
But there’s also a reason that sexual technique is Module 4, not Module 1.
For most (but not all) women, the problems with reaching orgasm are not only about figuring out how to touch her right.
Technique can certainly help, and it’s super important. But it’s not the main thing.
And it’s especially not the first thing.
Feeling sexual pleasure has two components: the mental component and the physical component.
For great sex, we have to:
mentally feel in a “sexy” frame of mind, ready to embrace sex and excited to experience pleasure;
and then we also have to physically get the right stimulation.
For many women, the problems with orgasm come not with the physical part, but with the mental part.
When you feel badly about sex; when you feel like sex is an obligation; when you feel hopeless about your body’s ability to respond–sex just isn’t going to work.
But not just that–when you have a hard time relaxing and listening to your body because your mind is filled with all kinds of other messages from other areas of your life, it’s going to be hard to respond sexually, too! When we have negative body image; when we’re super stressed; when we’re sad; when we’re overwhelmed; when our hormones are totally and completely out of whack, then orgasm is going to be more difficult.
In the Orgasm Course, then, we help women go through all the different things that could be holding that mental component of orgasm hostage. What’s stopping you from feeling sexual confidence and sexual desire? What’s stopping your sexual response?
If you’re like most women, there’s often not just one answer. It’s all kinds of things (that’s why we’re so complicated!). And to help women figure out which one relates best to them, we’ve created five “characters” that are composites of so many of the stories that we hear that can help them relate to their roadblocks and see them more easily. Last week I told you about one of them–The Engineer–who analyzes everything rather than just relaxes.
But all of the characters share one common roadblock, which really is the biggest one:
The biggest roadblock to orgasm, that we’ve been talking about and circling back to repeatedly for two months now, is quite simple:
We think that sex = intercourse, and anything else is “extra” or “bonus”.
We emphasize the husband’s best route to orgasm, while de-emphasizing the wife’s. And because we equate sex with intercourse, then we feel as if we are all required to have intercourse–an act which makes him feel good–but we aren’t required to do foreplay or bring her to orgasm in other ways, because that’s “extra”.
And if intercourse is the main thing, and if that’s what she thinks she needs to do because she’s believed messages like “I’m obligated to give him sex because I can’t deprive him” or “I need to have sex with him or he’ll be tempted to lust or watch porn”, then she can end up feeling selfish if he’s trying to stimulate her in other ways and it’s taking too long. She feels like she’s being selfish; she’s being an impediment; her body isn’t working.
After all, he reaches orgasm so easily. What’s wrong with her? Why can’t she catch up? Why doesn’t her body respond the way his does?
Even if he doesn’t see sex this way, these are often messages that she has internalized which make it very hard for her to advocate for her own pleasure; ask for what feels good; or even figure out what feels good! She’s so focused on doing sex “right” that she isn’t able to relax and enjoy it and listen to her body. And so she feels like she’s broken.
We take his experience of sex as being the norm because it tends to be more automatic, and her experience is seen as a problem that needs to be solved.
In the Orgasm Course, we want to change all that.
Her orgasm is not a problem to be solved but an experience to discover. There is nothing wrong with her if she takes a while to get warmed up. There’s nothing wrong with her if the things that bring him pleasure are not the same things that bring her pleasure.
And she is not selfish for wanting and needing different stimulation.
The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!
Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.
And it's $20 off right now for the complete course (women's edition & men's edition) until November 2!
Tell Me More about It!
I Need that Now!
I hear from so many men who would LOVE to help their wives feel good, but their wives can’t relax because they feel as if their pleasure is somehow wrong, or as if their bodies just don’t work, so they’d prefer for him to just hurry it up and get it over with.
That doesn’t sound fun for anybody.
And then we hear from so many women who would love to feel good and figure out what their bodies want, but their husbands don’t understand that they need to slow down and try different things.
No matter what the dynamic is in your marriage, we hope we can help you figure out what is holding orgasm back–so that you can actually open the floodgates!
And we’ve created two different versions of The Orgasm Course to do just that!
The women’s edition takes women through self-assessment exercises to identify harmful beliefs they may have about sex; to identify how relationship elements may be stopping orgasm; to identify if their physical or emotional health may be hurting them. Seriously, it’s hard to orgasm when your mental load is so intense from all the concerns of the household and you can’t turn them off!
But most of all, we assure women that it’s good and okay to want to feel good and to take time to listen to your body.
The men’s edition goes through this one big belief that may hold women back (whether she holds it or he holds it!), and the one big attitude shift that men can make that can unlock orgasm for her, while taking him through a self-assessment exercise to figure out how he can help lift any blocks she has to orgasm, too.
And then, of course, everyone gets to the fun part of technique!
So often when we try to reach orgasm we do this backwards.
We focus on technique when she still feels like she’s being selfish and broken for taking so long, and he can’t figure out why she needs all this anyway. We focus on technique before we’ve figured out how to help her feel relaxed in the first place. We focus on where to touch before we’ve focused on how to help her experience real arousal.
Instead, let’s start in the right place, and build from there.
Then technique isn’t just flipping, bopping, or rubbing the right way. It’s not just moving 1/4″ to the left. It’s actually listening to her body WANT something, because she’s already aroused. She already feels close to her husband. She already knows that this is something she wants, desires, and deserves.
So check out The Orgasm Course! It’s still $20 off for the Complete Version (both men’s and women’s editions) until Monday at midnight EST!
Tell Me More about It!
I Need that Now!
What’s been your biggest roadblock to orgasm? Is it something you defeated? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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October 27, 2020
Do You Just Need a Breakthrough?
Do you wonder if orgasm will ever happen for you? Or whether it will ever happen without a vibrator, or during intercourse?
When I give my Girl Talk in churches (my sex talk for women!), I always pray over everyone at the end. And I try to mention in that prayer some of the concerns that were raised in the anonymous Q&A session.
Inevitably one of those concerns will be voiced by women who haven’t reached orgasm yet and can’t figure out how. And my prayer is always the same: “God, be merciful. Give them hope. Give them a breakthrough SOON.”
It’s very difficult when you’re hearing everyone else talk about how great sex is, and you feel pretty much nothing.
You try to get aroused, but just when something’s feeling good, it fizzles out. Or maybe just when something’s feeling good, he finishes and you’re left hanging. Or maybe nothing’s really felt good at all.
You feel cheated.
Many of you feel like God must like men better, because it’s so easy for them!
And many of you start to question God’s goodness. You waited until you were married because that’s what you were supposed to do. But great sex didn’t happen. In fact, sex has become one of the biggest disappointments of your life.
I hear you. In fact, I hear this from so many women, repeatedly, in emails and in comments. Women wondering, will it ever happen for me?
I want to give you some encouragement today using two numbers: 48 and 33.
What do those numbers mean?
In our survey last year of 20,000 married women (mostly Christian), we asked how often they reached orgasm during sexual encounters with their husbands, and here’s what we found:
Almost always or always reach orgasm
48%
48%
Often reach orgasm
19%
19%
Never, rarely, or only occasionally reach orgasm
33%
33%
Now, here’s why those numbers matter for you.
You are not alone if orgasm is elusive!
33% of women either never reach orgasm, rarely do, or only reach it sporadically. In fact, in our survey, 12% have never reached it at all.
And you know what? 12% of women are not broken. You are not broken if this is a challenge for you.
There is no “orgasm gene” that you don’t have. There is nothing wrong with your anatomy. You’ve just got some challenges! And these challenges are actually quite common.
But here’s the even more important part:
Many of the 48% of women who DO reach orgasm would have put themselves in the 33% category in the past.
Just because a woman can reach orgasm most of the time NOW does not mean that it was always this way.
When I did my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that the best years for sex in marriage where between years 16-24. That’s when orgasm rates were highest and when sexual satisfaction is highest. It’s not the honeymoon years when you’re still getting used to sex. It’s after you’ve been married for a decade and a half, and you’re really comfortable with yourself and with each other, and the kids are sleeping through the night! That’s when things often get really good.
And when we did our focus groups after our big survey last year, we found that same thing, again and again.
Many women who actually are quite orgasmic now were not always that way.
Some suffered from vaginismus and had to get through that. Some had marriages without healthy communication, and they had to work on the relationship first. Many had problematic beliefs about sex that they had internalized since they were young, and those beliefs were keeping them from understanding that sex was meant for them, too; that their husband’s pleasure was not more important than their own; that they didn’t have to have sex just because he wanted it, but that their needs were important, too. When they were able to get rid of a lot of these unhealthy teachings, suddenly things clicked!
This week we’re launching the orgasm course, which we’ve been working on behind the scenes for the last few months.
It’s the most comprehensive course we’ve ever made, incorporating everything we could find in the scientific literature about what made women’s orgasms more likely, and also what we discovered in our own surveys and focus groups (and what we learned from listening to all of your comments!). We’ve got a course that will help you uncover your own roadblocks to orgasm, and then discover how your body works, what your body actually likes, and how to listen to your body!
We even have a men’s edition of the course that’s included in your bundle, with its own videos and lessons so that husbands can learn to be your knight in shining armor! They’ll be challenged to ditch the #1 belief and #1 attitude is that can stop their wives from orgasming, and they’ll learn what she actually needs to go over the edge!
And this week, until next Monday at midnight EST, you get both the women’s and men’s editions of the course for just $49!
Learn More about the Course!
I Need it Now!
As I was writing the course, I was keeping the women who had had breakthroughs in mind.
I was remembering what we had heard in the focus groups, and remembering conversations I’d had with others who had shared their journey with me. They come from all different backgrounds–some abused, some not. Some with sexual pain; some not. Some waited until marriage and did everything the “right” way; some felt that their problems were because they didn’t. But the breakthroughs came in women from all backgrounds, beliefs, and even ages.
There’s Charlotte, who always enjoyed sex because of the closeness she felt with her husband, but never actually reached orgasm. Eventually she got so frustrated she started doing her own research, and figured out the missing pieces, 26 years into marriage. I’m forever grateful for Charlotte, because she encouraged me to make this course, and kept sending great resources my way for research!
Charlotte--Breakthrough at 26 years
LC struggled for years to reach orgasm, and found that while she could, it was very intermittent. She found herself very impatient with her husband as he tried to clumsily figure out what to do with his fingers. But now they’ve found a rhythm that actually works, after years of feeling frustrated!
LC--Breakthrough at 15 Years
This listener never felt pleasure from sex at all. But then, after listening to the podcasts for the last 6 weeks as we’ve been in the middle of our libido and orgasm series, the breakthrough finally came. She realized that she had been carrying so many wrong beliefs about sex, and had never given herself permission to not just feel pleasure, but be assertive about getting it! And now things have finally clicked.
Podcast Listener--Breakthrough at 7 Years
What I want you to know is that a breakthrough is still possible.
Wait, that’s even wimping out a bit. A breakthrough is very probable. It really is!
I know so many of you are very discouraged. And it’s taking a big toll on your marriage.
Maybe he’s upset because you don’t want sex very much–but how can you want something that never gets you anything?
Or maybe you actually do have a high libido, and you keep trying, but your husband doesn’t “get it” that he’s got to make things good for you. And so you’re always left hanging.
All of this leaves you fighting about sex a lot. Instead of sex being this intimate experience that builds you up and makes you feel closer; instead of sex being this stress reliever that can help you smooth over some of the rougher edges of your relationship; instead of sex being something passionate that takes you to new heights together and leaves you breathless–sex becomes something that adds tension; makes you further apart; makes you feel defeated.
Then all the other, normal issues we deal with in life get magnified.
It’s really difficult when sex doesn’t feel good. It’s a lot for a marriage to carry.
It’s a lot of unmet expectations. It’s a lot of feelings of failure. It’s a lot of stress.
I really believe The Orgasm Course can help you reach that breakthrough–or at least get you on the road towards it! It’s really comprehensive, and helps you identify your own unique things holding you back, while also telling your husband, in the men’s edition of the course, how he can remove any barriers he’s set up, too. And there are all kinds of fun exercises that also help unlock your arousal!
The big reason I write this blog is that I want couples to experience passion and healthy relationships together. That’s what marriage is supposed to be about.
Orgasm, for many, is the missing piece. I want to help you find it!
Learn More about the Course!
I Need it Now!
Now, if you have figured out the orgasm piece, can you give some encouragement to the others reading the blog?
If it took you at least a few months before you figured out orgasm, or before you figured out how to orgasm during intercourse, can you leave a comment and let others know how you felt before–and how you reached a breakthrough?
So many couples feel defeated. Let’s help them see that many, many others have been there before, too, but have also gotten through to the other side!
Are you still waiting for an orgasm breakthrough? Or did you experience one? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Orgasm Series:
You Are Not Broken if Orgasm is Elusive
The Orgasm Podcast
5 Things that Make it More Likely that She Will Reach Orgasm
What Sex is Like for Women Who Don't Orgasm
How Do I Not Feel Self-Conscious about what it Takes to Reach Orgasm?
10 Things Husbands Who Are Great Lovers Do
Figuring out What's Holding You Back from Orgasm
What to Say to Your Husband if He's a Selfish Lover
The Orgasm Course Launch
Start Your Engines Podcast: When your wife has difficulty with orgasm (October 29)
And don't forget to check out:
31 Days to Great Sex
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
And Get our Orgasm Course for $20 off during the Launch Period!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter
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October 26, 2020
The Orgasm Course is Here!
We’ve been talking all month about orgasms–why it can be difficult for women; what can hold some women back; what makes it more likely to happen.
And it’s all been leading up to today–the launch of the Orgasm Course!
https://youtu.be/YqhbbtF_9sA
Whether you've never orgasmed; whether orgasm is hit and miss; or whether you can orgasm on your own or with a vibrator but not with your husband--I want to help you experience the passion and pleasure you were meant for!
I Need That!
I know that this is one of the biggest sources of frustration for women.
Why would God make it so easy for guys to reach orgasm, and so hard for us?
Why does it always feel good for him, and I’m left wondering, “Seriously? Is that it?!?”
And why, when you’ve tried touching things, does nothing ever feel quite right? Why does arousal start–and then stop? Or why can you not get aroused at all? Isn’t it supposed to feel good?
The Orgasm Course answers all those questions–and so many more.
We’ve got diagrams and lots of information on what stimulation tends to be best; how to discover arousal and listen to your body; how to help your husband discover what feels good.
But that’s not all we have, because for so many women, that’s not the biggest issue.
We’re going to show you how to make your body feel great, yes.
But we’re also going to take you on a journey to uncover YOUR route to orgasm, because it’s different for everyone. We’re going to go on a journey where we discover what’s stopping you from feeling pleasure–and then we’ll open the floodgates to the things that DO bring you pleasure!
And then, of course, we’ll guide you through exercises on arousal, orgasm, and even reaching orgasm during intercourse!
Reassurance
That you are not broken.
You are not alone.
Confidence
That you CAN be sexual!
That you can defeat wrong thinking and embrace something new.
N
Techniques & Tips
To help you discover pleasure, listen to your body…
And learn how to go over the edge!
Eighteen videos and a jam-packed lesson book and workbook are all designed to help you:
Learn about physiology–what areas most arouse a woman; how to vary the touch based on the arousal cycle; and where and how NOT to touch, too!
Pinpoint the biggest roadblock that holds women back–and stops men from understanding what women need, too
Uncover what else may be preventing you specifically from being able to just let go
Identify with one of our 5 characters who are having trouble with orgasm, so that you can more easily put your blocks in context (and make them not-so-scary, too!)
Detailed tips and exercises to enhance physical technique and help you ride the wave to orgasm
Validation that the mental blocks that may have prevented orgasm are not your fault–but they’re also not permanent.
Relief that this isn’t something you caused–but it is something you can fix.
Open the floodgates to arousal by discovering that, yes, some things do turn you on!
And how about reaching orgasm through intercourse? We have a whole module on that, too!
Unlock your own sexual response cycle--because you were made to be passionate!
The complete orgasm course is just $49! $20 off the regular price until Monday November 2 at midnight EST
I Need That!
Plus we’ve got a whole separate section of the course that husbands can take to!
After all, maybe it's not YOU with distorted views of what sex. What if it's your husband?
The Complete Orgasm Course comes with a men’s 3-module add-on, where men learn that sex is more than just intercourse and why God designed women with a clitoris. Men learn what often holds women back from orgasm, and the importance of keeping the relationship strong, too. And they also get the nitty gritty on all the different things to try to see what your wife likes–including what NOT to try!
They’ll also learn:
How looking sad, frustrated, bored, or bewildered are HUGE orgasm killers–and how to overcome them
How they don’t need proper “equipment” to satisfy their wives, but instead just the desire and the effort
Why women’s orgasm is worth the wait!
And so much more.
The guys get their own videos, and their own lessons and exercises, to work through with you, too!
Most men do care about bringing their wives pleasure, but they shut down if they feel helpless or bad at something. This course can help empower him, too! And we show him how to overcome their biggest obstacle to your orgasm as well.
We Need That!
If your husband doesn’t want to do his part of the course, though, you can also get through it on your own.
I know so many of you struggle with orgasm. How can you want sex that doesn’t even feel good for you?
I don’t want that to be your story anymore. And yet I know, for so many of you, this HAS been your story, throughout your entire marriage.
Maybe you remember your last anniversary, and how lonely you felt after quick, perfunctory sex again when you felt nothing. Afterwards, he rolled over, feeling amazing, and went to sleep. And you were left lying there, in the dark, thinking back to being 18-years-old and dreaming about how amazing sex was going to be one day. You were going to feel passionate, alive, on fire!
But none of that has ever happened. Maybe not even a spark.
Your husband can’t figure it out. He thinks there’s maybe something wrong with you. You should just enjoy intercourse, like he does, right?
And so sex, which was this great promise, has become one of the biggest disappointments of your life.
Please, don’t let that keep being your story!
And I want to help you get to the other side. So many women write to me telling me that what I’ve said has helped them have breakthroughs, like this woman who wrote just last week:
My husband and I have been married almost 15 years and we are just now untangling all the wrong things we’ve believed for so long (thanks in large part to Sheila’s work!) and I have finally been reaching orgasm more regularly. Sex is actually mutual, as it should be! We are both so grateful. I definitely have struggled to know my own body and to be patient with my husband as he clumsily figures things out. Also, I always go first now, then we have intercourse afterward so he can finish.We are still figuring it out and have spent years feeling frustrated, but I am incredibly thankful that through many conversations, learning, and trial-and-error, we are finally figuring it out. Thank you for all the time you put into these resources.
LC
Blog commenter
I’ve been wanting to create this course for years, but I never felt quite ready.
I didn’t want to do a course that was basically, “Here’s how I have an orgasm; you can, too.” No, I wanted to take enough time to look at what the research actually says, so it wasn’t just from my perspective, but it was based in real science.
So Rebecca submerged herself in all the scientific journals about orgasm, and learned far more than she ever really wanted to. But we were now confident that we had a broader perspective. Plus last year, when doing our survey of 20,000 women, we discovered some really interesting things about orgasm that we hadn’t known before. What’s keeping people from orgasm isn’t just that they don’t know how to flick, bop, or rub the clitoris right. What we believe about sex has a tremendous impact!
So we were ready. We had the information both on sexual technique, relationship dynamics, and on beliefs about sex. Now it was just time to make it into a course!
If you’re like most people who follow this blog, chances are you’re here because you want a great marriage–that includes great sex.
And if that’s been elusive for you, then THIS is the course you need. It’s the culmination of listening to:
Comments on the blog
Emails from readers
Survey Respondents
Academic Articles
We’ve listened. We’ve reviewed all the latest scientific research on what helps women go over the edge! And we’ve created a course that includes the questions and comments that have come up repeatedly this month:
I get aroused, but then it stops.
I don’t know what arousal feels like.
I can only orgasm with a vibrator.
My husband doesn’t understand that I need foreplay.
Even when I orgasm, it doesn’t feel that great.
We’ve got you covered.
And this week, until next Monday at midnight EST, you can get $20 off the complete orgasm course! You’ll get all the women’s videos, workbooks, and lessons, AND all the men’s, for $49.
You don’t want to just be great roommates who watch the Office together. You want to be amazing lovers–who maybe watch The Office together.
Or maybe you don’t. But whatever you watch, you rock each other’s worlds.
Get the Orgasm Course Today!
The Complete Women’s and Men’s Course for $49–$20 off the regular price!
Yep. That's for me!
October 23, 2020
When your Husband is a Selfish Lover: 3 Ways to Talk to Him About It
What if your husband isn’t interested in doing the work to get you to orgasm?
What if he’s a selfish lover?
We’re in the middle of the our orgasm month, looking at how to help women reach orgasm, all culminating in the launch of The Orgasm Course on Monday (you can pre-order now–the price is discounted the $20 already!).
And all month we’ve been looking at the things that can hold women back from orgasm. On Monday I tried to look at what men who are great lovers tend to do, because I think most men ARE great lovers, and I don’t want to give the impression that I think all guys are bad. But in the end, many women who are married to men who aren’t great lovers felt quite sad by that post.
So I want to take another stab at helping those women by being super practical today. How do you talk to your husband about the fact that sex needs to be good for you, too?
(And the Orgasm Course will cover this–we’ve even got modules for men!)
One woman wrote this:
I’ve been married 8 years and never had an orgasm. The one time I was close hubby sighed and asked, “are you there yet?” Instant mood killer. I wasn’t there, but I was done. I’ve seriously considered asking him that question when I get bored in bed.
So, I’m looking to the course, but entirely unsure how to get my husband on board. He thinks he’s great in bed (based on prior lovers – not my review), I really think those other women were faking, because there’s zero effort to make it feel good for me. I know he doesn’t want to hear that he’s not a good lover, but the fact remains he isn’t. I believe he could be, but I know he won’t be open to this “education” and will see it as a direct assault on his masculinity. On the one hand, I’m so bitter I don’t care: he’s been living in a fantasy world long enough. But on the other, I have sympathy for him, I love him and don’t wish to hurt him. What is a good wife to do?!
So she wants to feel good, but he thinks this is entirely her problem. He thinks he’s a good lover–even though she doesn’t experience pleasure.
Many women write in with this same issue, and as we’re launching the Orgasm Course, I thought it was important to address. After all, if you’re going to take the course, you want him on board (although there’s lots of tips and help even if he’s not!). But ideally, it’s something you do together.
Let’s go back to first principles here before I talk about three ways to address this with your husband.
a. This will not magically get better unless you do something about it.
If he thinks he’s a good lover, and the problem is not with him, nothing will happen unless you make it an issue.
b. You need to believe that you deserve pleasure as much as he does; that your orgasm is as important as his.
It also won’t get better unless you start believing that you were meant for pleasure, too. Your pleasure is not an “extra”. It’s not optional. It’s not a bonus. It’s not that this is something he needs and you don’t need.
You were BOTH created for pleasure. As I’ve talked about repeatedly this month, one of the biggest roadblocks to women reaching orgasm is both men and women believing that his orgasm is necessary, while hers isn’t that important. It’s believing that doing the things that easily bring him to orgasm are necessary (intercourse), but doing the things that are necessary for her to orgasm (foreplay; other stimulation) are optional.
We talk about this in detail in the Orgasm Course, and give you a major pep talk! We show how God actually made your body so that he’s supposed to spend some time on you. We show how the way he made women’s orgasms mean that it’s intended that we will orgasm before him. If you’re struggling with believing this, please check out the course!
c. You need to ask, “am I willing to live with bad sex for the next few decades?”
If the answer is “no”, then the earlier you speak up, the better it will be. The longer it goes on with sex being entirely for him, the harder it is to change it.
And even if you think you ARE willing to live with this–that it’s not worth the hassle and the hurt feelings to talk about this, our survey of 20,000 women showed that this often isn’t sustainable. In the first decade or two, women may be willing to put up with one-sided sex. But the longer it goes on, and the older she gets, the less likely she is to think she deserves this, and the more likely their marriage is to become sexless–or virtually sexless.
The Orgasm Course is Open for Pre-Order!
Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.
The course launches October 26. But you can pre-order now!
Preorder--it's $20 cheaper right now for the complete course (women's edition & men's edition) until November 2!
Preorder Now!
With that being said, how do you address the fact that your husband is being selfish in bed?
Here are three levels of conversations you may need to have:
1. Assess the Situation: Is this something he understands, or is there a reasonable chance he doesn’t know that anything is wrong?
Let’s say that you were both virgins when you married–or at least you had very little experience. You had intercourse, because that’s what you were supposed to do. It felt amazing for him, but not for you, but you appreciated feeling close to him and finally “doing it”, so you told him that you enjoyed it (and this is what Christian books tell women to do–tell their husbands how great it is, even if it’s not, because that’s how he feels loved. More on that in The Great Sex Rescue!). Let’s say that as time goes on, he tries a bit to make you feel good, but you feel nothing, so you tell him, “it’s okay, I just like being with you,” and you let him go ahead.
He honestly may not understand that sex hasn’t been good for you. He may not even understand that women are supposed to orgasm, too, or that intercourse doesn’t tend to be the thing, in and of itself, that feels best for women (though it can! And we talk about that in the Orgasm Course, too).
In that case, a conversation where you gently tell him how you’re feeling, and give him a picture of what you’d like from your life, is the best route:
Honey, I want to have an amazing, passionate sex life with you, but I feel as if we’re missing out on a lot because we’ve never figured out the orgasm piece for me. I know that I’ve said that it doesn’t really matter, but I think it actually does. I’d like to take some time to figure this out, and there’s a course I’d love to work through together so that we can have that amazing sex we’ve always wanted.
Will this be easy for him to hear? Maybe not–even likely not. He’s likely to be embarrassed, because it is embarrassing to realize that something you thought was amazing was not experienced that way by your wife. It’s embarrassing to realize that she hasn’t been having the fun that you assumed she was having.
He may get his back up. He may protest.
That’s okay. He has the right to his feelings.
And if you’ve been telling him it’s been awesome while it hasn’t been, you may also owe him an apology. Even if you were simply trying to make him feel better, you were deceiving him, and he had no way of knowing that it wasn’t good for you.
With all that being said, though: Just because his ego is hurt, or he is embarrassed, does not mean that you have to back down. Your pleasure is still more important than his ego.
Say to him, “I understand that you’re hurt, and if you need some time to process this, please take it. But when you’re done, I’d like to do some work on figuring out the orgasm piece for me, because I love you, and I want us to experience real passion together.” If you’re married to a good guy, he’s very likely to come around and to want to do this with you.
And if he’s not? Then it’s time to:
2. Have that Difficult Conversation: I want a passionate, mutual sex life, and we need to learn how to prioritize my orgasm as well
What if your husband isn’t willing to do the work, even after that initial conversation, or what if you’ve repeatedly brought this up to him, and he tells you that the problem is with you? What if you’re married to someone like our commenter, who says that “all the other women I’ve been with had no complaints”, so the issue is entirely yours?
Once again, it’s okay to stand up for yourself. It’s okay to advocate for your own pleasure. You can say:
Honey, our sex life for years has been focused on you receiving an orgasm, and you haven’t been doing things that help me get there, too. You seem to expect me to be able to reach orgasm on my own, but that’s not how this works. I don’t believe that I’m broken; I think this is something that we need to learn together. I find it difficult that you think it’s okay to have sex with me where you receive pleasure, but I don’t, and that you don’t think this is worth working on. Please understand: I want to have amazing sex with you. I want to have a passionate sex life with you. But I can’t do this alone.
(and if your husband says that other women had no complaints, you can add:)
I understand that those women didn’t complain. But you didn’t marry them. You married me. I am the one that you vowed to have and to hold. And so I am the one that you need to figure out. Can we put those women in the past, and focus on loving each other now? I don’t appreciate being called broken because I don’t measure up to your past lovers. I would appreciate instead that you dedicate yourself to learning how I work, because I am your wife, and I am the one that God told you to love.
Will he take this well? Again, he may not. Because our idea of intercourse=sex is so ingrained, and because we assume that his experience of sexuality is the “right” one, and she just needs to catch up, we’re used to blaming women for their own lack of orgasm. And women do this, too! We women often blame ourselves–that’s WHY we don’t speak up for so long.
But it is not okay for a man to knowingly have one-sided intercourse with his wife and deny her pleasure. Then he is depriving her. He is being selfish. And you are not required to keep having one-sided sex with someone who does not consider your needs, because this isn’t biblical sex. Sex the way the Bible talks about it is mutual, pleasurable, and intimate. You are a person to love, not a body to use. You are not required to continue to let him use your body while he ignores your experience. This is not encouraging him to look more and more like Jesus. This is encouraging selfishness. And so, if he refuses to engage even after this difficult conversation:
3. Draw Boundaries around what you are willing to tolerate: Say no to selfish, bad sex
If, after that conversation, he still refuses to work on it, and still says the problem is with you, then it’s okay to start drawing boundaries. Ask yourself, “what am I willing to tolerate for the next few decades, or for the rest of our marriage?” If you do not take a stand, it is very, very likely that the sex you are having now is the same kind of sex you will have from now on. You need to decide if you’re willing to live with that, because you do not have to. The Bible does not ask us to sacrifice our own well-being for someone else’s selfishness. No, the Bible shows that God wants mutual, passionate sex for BOTH of us. So it’s okay if you decide that you will not tolerate being used anymore.
For more about how the Bible shows sex to be mutual, intimate, and passionate, check out The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!
You can say:
I understand that you don’t think my pleasure is your problem, or your priority. However, I am no longer willing to have selfish, bad sex. If sex isn’t feeling good for me, and I speak up and ask you to do something else, and you don’t, then I’ll be saying no to continuing sex. But if you will work with me to figure out how my body works, and to work on my sexual response, I will gladly make love to you!
Remember, this is not you refusing sex. This is you refusing to be used.
You are not saying no to sex; you are simply saying no to a one-sided encounter where you are not considered. That is not intimate; that erases you as a person.
And then, when you are having sex, if he rushes to intercourse before you’re ready, stop him, and say, “I’m not ready yet. Let’s slow down and try some other things.” If he says no, then say, “Well, I’m done for the night.” And stick to it. Or if he tries something and he isn’t doing it in a way that stimulates you, you can say, “can we try it like this?” Or you can move his hand. If he gets upset and refuses to change, then, again, it’s okay to say, “Well, we can try again tomorrow then,” and stop.
You do not need to consent to one-sided sex. Always let your husband know that you are more than willing to have sex if it’s about both of you; that you want a passionate sex life; that you want to discover pleasure. You are not saying no to sex. You are simply saying no to being used.
(Please note: If doing this would result in violence on his part, or any other kind of abuse, please call the national domestic abuse hotline, or the police).
I think most men honestly want to bring their wives to orgasm!
I think there may be some bruised egos if you bring this up, but most guys are good guys, and most guys want to bring their wives pleasure.
And you have the right to pleasure as much as he does.
His ego is not more important than your pleasure.
You were created for pleasure!
If your husband does not understand this, or if you find yourself in the category where you have to start saying no to one-sided sex, please also see a licensed counselor.
But I think most guys, if you talk about this in a kind way where you make it clear that your aim is mutual, passionate sex–most guys will be totally on board!
And if they are–The Orgasm Course is for them, too! With modules that help them understand how to unlock orgasm for you, that go along with what you’ll be learning, you’ll both feel hope and passion again.
What do you think? What would you say to a man who isn’t interested in bringing his wife to orgasm, or doesn’t realize he should be? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Orgasm Series:
You Are Not Broken if Orgasm is Elusive
The Orgasm Podcast
5 Things that Make it More Likely that She Will Reach Orgasm
What Sex is Like for Women Who Don't Orgasm
How Do I Not Feel Self-Conscious about what it Takes to Reach Orgasm?
10 Things Husbands Who Are Great Lovers Do
Figuring out What's Holding You Back from Orgasm
What to Say to Your Husband if He's a Selfish Lover
The Orgasm Course Launch (October 26)
Start Your Engines Podcast: When your wife has difficulty with orgasm (October 29)
And don't forget to check out:
31 Days to Great Sex
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
And you can pre-order the Orgasm Course now for $49! (The $20 discount is already applied)
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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October 22, 2020
PODCAST Extras: Unconditional Respect Isn’t a Thing
Unconditional respect is not a thing.
And the way that far too many marriage teachers talk about it enables abuse.
It’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and in this podcast I thought I’d share a personal story that happened to me when I was 18, counseling at summer camp, and wished the ground could open up and swallow me up. Let’s look at what being the victim of rage does to you–and then look at some harmful teachings that make us feel like it’s our fault.
Even if you’re not that interested in abuse–the story’s a pretty good one. And I think you’ll really like the take on unconditional respect in the second half, too! So listen in:
Browse all the Different Podcasts
Listen to the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
When I was 18, while a camp counselor, I was yelled at in front of everyone by a male colleague.
We had been joking around, and teasing each other, in the morning before breakfast, while all the campers were lined up outside the dining hall. He teased me, and I slapped him in jest. He erupted in rage. Everyone saw. Everyone heard.
I did something wrong, but his response was abusive and out of proportion.
i felt such shame, and I tried to fix the situation.
My situation was very minor. I have never been a victim of domestic violence. But sometimes we can see the dynamics better in a snapshot of an incident than in the long, complicated story of a marriage.
Here I was that summer, with another friend whose name I’ve since forgotten (and I loved that dress. I wonder where it ever ended up?)
Many women end up on this blog desperate to find solutions to fix their marriage.
Because I am dedicated to helping people develop healthy marriages, I often talk about abuse issues. And because of that, I’ve had so many women tell me that it was because of my blog that they first were able to reach out and get some help for abusive marriages.
If that’s your story, please know that you are not alone. I am not an abuse blog, but there are some great ones out there, and I highly recommend Natalie from Flying Free or Leslie Vernick, among others.
Can we revisit unconditional respect?
In the second half of the podcast I talked about how unconditional respect is not a thing, elaborating on my Instagram post from earlier this week:
View this post on InstagramA post shared by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Oct 20, 2020 at 5:33pm PDT
In the podcast, I talk more about the Greek for Ephesians 5:33, and how seeing marriage advice as so dichotomized isn’t faithful to Scripture or emotionally healthy. So let’s just do this better, okay?
I got pretty passionate in this podcast, and I hope you like it!
And here’s how I would summarize the whole issue (perhaps even more succinctly than I did in the podcast).
The Problem with Unconditional Respect
As Christians, our aim is to look like Jesus and to point others to Him, which involves living out the fruits of the Spirit, and making sure that we don’t enable bad behaviour. That means that how we act should be dependent on how others act.
To say something is unconditional, however, is to say that it does not depend on how someone else acts. This actually works in the case of love, because love is simply wanting the best for someone. If that person is acting destructively, you can change how you act (“Tough Love”) so that you do not enable that behaviour.
It does not work with respect, though, because to respect (as differentiated from “speaking respectfully, which is simply acknowledging someone else’s dignity) is to admire, to defer to, to follow after. By their very nature, these things depend on behaviour.
A principle in Scripture is that someone should reap what they sow. This is how we learn. When someone sows destruction in their relationships, they need to feel the consequences of that. Therefore, “admiring” someone is not unconditional. Deferring to someone is not unconditional.
To say that love and respect are analagous is to misunderstand both, and it needs to stop.
The Orgasm Course is Open for Pre-Order!
Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.
The course launches October 26. But you can pre-order now!
Preorder--and get $20 off the complete course (women's edition & men's edition) until November 2!
Preorder Now!
Links Mentioned in This Podcast
98 Ways You Can Sin Against Your Husband
You Can’t Provoke Someone to Abuse
How Can I Admit to Myself I’m Being Abused?
Why Unconditional Respect Doesn’t Work
Marg Mowczko looks at Ephesians 5:33–Marg also mentioned to me that note 4B in Thayer’s relates to this
My podcast on What Headship means
And check out these resources for those in abusive marriages:
The Bible Doesn’t Tell Me So
Boundaries in Marriage
Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage
I hope you like my camp counselor story! Have you ever experienced anything like this? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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October 21, 2020
When You Need a Good Cup of Tea and a Book That Makes You Feel Better
Don’t we all just want to escape reality right about now?
We’ve got the news bombarding us with COVID and the election and craziness and it’s just so darn depressing.
And I know that these last two months, as I’ve talked about libido and orgasm, that many women are feeling like they’re missing out on something big and they’re sad.
I believe that The Orgasm Course can change all that for you! We’re putting so much work into it–it’s the best course I’ve ever created, and it’s really comprehensive. And it launches next Monday (but you can pre-order it now!)
But I’ve also read some books lately that can help get us out of that funk and feel better and more hopeful about ourselves!
I don’t always know where to put book recommendations on the blog, because I seem to always have so much to say, it’s hard to find places to mention them. So I thought today I’d invite you to brew a nice cup of tea and order one of these books that I think can change your perspective and make you more hopeful, empowered, and energetic. And can help you see that Jesus is at work today, too!
And I’d like to mention some books by smaller authors, and not necessarily the big name ones, that had a profound influence on me. So here goes!
Affiliate links follow.
Try Softer by Aundi Kolber
This little book has seriously hit a nerve! Published earlier this year, it’s become a runaway bestseller because its message resonates so much.
Instead of trying harder–try softer.
I’ve been on full tilt ever since COVID began. I’ve had to write one book (The Great Sex Rescue); release another (31 Days to Great Sex); create a course (The Orgasm Course); start work on another book in November–and it keeps going. I get tired.
And I know I have to build more margins into my life (I’m trying! Ha! I need to try softer!).
But one thing I’ve been doing is giving myself permission, when I’m tired or just done, to be done. To not push myself. To knit. And I’ve knit A LOT during COVID. Did I show you my blanket yet?
View this post on Instagram
A post shared by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire) on Sep 20, 2020 at 5:20pm PDT
(And, as always, please follow me on Instagram! It helps me so much. I’m 65% of the way to 10,000!)
If you’ve been measuring your life in productivity, in success, in things accomplished–and you’re just run ragged–then maybe another approach is needed. One that feeds instead of steals.
Try Softer
Don’t try harder.
Try softer. What if our approach to how to handle our to-do list, our stress, our daily life is all backwards? Lean into what rest and grace really mean.
See it on Amazon!
You Are Enough by Jonathan Puddle
The only devotional on my list, I can’t recommend this one highly enough.
I don’t tend to like devotionals. I find a lot of them trite or overly emotional, or too spiritual and not practical. I like a mix of both.
What Jonathan does here is look at how trauma-informed therapy, and practices like mindfulness, are not just consistent with Scripture, but rooted in Scripture. And how discovering God’s love for you isn’t a matter of just reading and memorizing verses or berating yourself for feeling distant from God; it’s actually developing new habits and new ways of looking at things that change your thought patterns.
He’s so real, it’s so humble, and I found it very helpful. And Aundi Kolber, who wrote Try Softer, wrote the foreword, too!
You Are Enough
A 30-day journey to actually love yourself.
Like yourself even. This is a devotional that won’t make you feel like you have to do hard homework or make you feel like you’re not trying enough. Instead, it’s one of the few that has really shown me how to actually feel God’s love.
See it on Amazon!
Theology of the Womb by Christy Bauman
Part-memoir, all theology. This is a book that will resonate, make you cry, make you laugh–and most of all, free you from residual shame that you have felt for having a woman’s body.
Whether it’s fear of leaking when you’re a teen, fear of not being able to conceive, the grief of losing a child, the pain of giving birth–women’s bodies often give us pain, shame, and fear.
But what if instead we could see the cycle of women’s bodies as telling us something about God?
After I wrote my series on periods in the summer, Andrew Bauman, an amazing, insightful counselor and writer I’d like to feature more on this site in the future, sent me his wife Christy’s book. I devoured it one afternoon while camping, and I wanted to make sure I told you about it.
I admit I cried at the parts about losing babies. But I also cried happy tears when I realized how much shame about periods had affected me and how God saw that–and that was AFTER I had already written my period series and thought i had gotten it all out of my system.
I thoroughly recommend Theology of the Womb!
Theology of the Womb
Part theology, part memoir.
All deep, intimate, and validating. It will take you to hard places within yourself–and see that your biggest griefs, your biggest pain, even your biggest joys–are actually shared by God as well. And they’re all hardwired into the body of a woman.
See it on Amazon!
Talking Back to Purity Culture by Rachel Joy Welcher
This is the only book on my list that isn’t actually released yet–it comes out in November. But I’m so excited about it! I’ve been following Rachel for a while now, and I think what she has to say is going to match so well with our book The Great Sex Rescue (which is now available for pre-order, too!).
Here’s what Amazon says:
It’s time to talk back. The generation born into evangelical purity culture has grown up, and many have started families of their own. But as time goes on, it’s becoming more evident that many still struggle with purity culture’s complicated legacy―its idolization of virginity, its mixed messages about modesty and lust, and its promise of a healthy marriage and great sex for those who follow the rules. In Talking Back to Purity Culture, Rachel Joy Welcher reviews the movement carefully, examining its teachings through the lens of Scripture. Compassionate, faithful, and wise, she charts a path forward for Christians in the ongoing debates about sexuality―one that rejects legalism and license alike, steering us back instead to the good news of Jesus. It’s time to talk back to purity culture―and this book is ready to jump-start the conversation.
I’ve written before about how purity culture has messed up so many. And we definitely talk about purity wrong. I’m glad that people are finally realizing it, speaking up, and inviting the rest of us to an important conversation that can bring us back to healthy sexuality.
Talking Back to Purity Culture
Virginity. No kissing until you’re married. Lust. Modesty. Porn.
If you grew up with confusing messages about sex that have led to sexual baggage, it’s time to talk back–and reclaim Jesus!
See it on Amazon!
Why I Didn’t Rebel by Rebecca Lindenbach
I wasn’t planning on including Rebecca’s book (she’s my daughter) in this list, but yesterday Brittany from Equipping Godly Women mentioned in the comments that she finally read it–and loved it. And I realized how well Rebecca’s book fits in with the other ones we’re talking about.
Why I Didn’t Rebel is a parenting book like no other. Rebecca doesn’t tell you how to parent; she wrote it when she was only 22! What she does do is share stories from millennials, some who did rebel and some who didn’t, to give their perspective on what parents do right, and what can often backfire.
If you could sum up the stories, they’d fit with Aundi Kolber’s message–Try Softer. It’s not about trying to be a perfect parent, or having the best rules and boundaries and having the perfect home. It’s simply about being authentic and real and keeping communication open with your kids. Relationship is what matters.
Just like with the purity culture, we’ve received so many toxic messages in evangelical circles about parenting. Rebecca identifies those that are toxic, and invites you to talk back to the parenting culture you grew up with, and find a more Jesus centred one.
And you are enough for that.
Why I Didn’t Rebel
It’s the kind of parenting book that makes you feel, “Oh, I can actually do this!”
Because it’s not about being perfect. It’s just about relationship and authenticity. Be YOU.
Read the stories, catch the vision.
See it on Amazon!
I know we’re bombarded with messages like, “Take care of yourself during COVID.”
I swear, half of the news articles i see are about caring for your mental health during these turbulent times. Sometimes it can get to be a bit much.
But I do think we need to get out of negative headspaces and into positive ones, and these are five books that I have found help take you away from shame, stress, and pressure, and invite you deeper into the heart of God.
Jesus at the centre, always.
Have you read any of these books? Or have you read another book lately that was like a healing balm or a breath of fresh air? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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October 20, 2020
What’s Holding You Back from Great Sex?
Often what we think about sex gets in the way of great sex.
We’re in the middle of our orgasm series, and we’re less than one week out from releasing our Orgasm Course! I’m so excited (though I still have a ton to do!).
One of the things that we’ve talked about repeatedly this month is how a big roadblock to orgasm for women is THINKING the wrong way about sex–specifically thinking that intercourse=sex, and anything else is “extra” or “bonus”.
Intercourse does tend to result in orgasm for men virtually all the time, but most women do not orgasm through intercourse alone, and many don’t orgasm through intercourse at all, even though they can in other ways. Intercourse is actually the least reliable method of stimulation to bring a woman to orgasm (manual and oral stimulation tend to be more reliable). By stressing intercourse above all else, then, women often feel selfish when we want our husbands to do something “extra”. What brings him pleasure is the norm; what brings us pleasure is optional. When women believe that, and when men believe it, orgasm is elusive.
But that’s not the only way our minds can stop us from experiencing orgasm!
In our Orgasm Course, we’ve developed five different prototypes of women who often have specific struggles with orgasm based on what they believe.
In our survey of 20,000 women last year, we found a bunch of different beliefs that are prevalent in evangelical teaching that can keep women from having great sex–beliefs like, “he’ll watch porn if I don’t have enough sex,” “all men struggle with lust,” “I have to give him sex whenever he wants it,” etc. etc. And many evangelical books have also solidified other ideas, like Love & Respect blatantly said: “If your husband is typical, he has a need you don’t have.” In other words, sex is for men. Not women.
We took all of these beliefs and put them together into five different “characters” for our course, to help women better see themselves and some of the roadblocks they may have.
These aren’t scientific (though the effects of a lot of these beliefs that we found in our survey are), but we thought they were a fun way of conceptualizing some of our issues.
I thought today I’d share one of those characters, to help us see how our approach to sex overall can stop us from having great sex.
The Engineer
The Engineer is a bit of a control freak. When she was younger, she may have been taught that boys will try to push her sexual boundaries, and so she started to believe that unless she was in control, she was in danger.
While dating, she learned to ignore her arousal cues and instead became a bit of a spectator, always watching to catch if he tried to do something bad. As a result, she never really got to enjoy the whole making-out phase. If she felt she crossed a sexual boundary, she may do some sort of penance to make it up–a kissing fast, a Bible study on purity as a couple, or just self-flagellation to make herself feel guilty enough to never do it again.
Now that she’s married, that emphasis of control over her own sexuality and doing sex “right” means that she sees sex as an equation to crack. She’s sure that once they figure out the right amount of clitoral stimulation, or the exact right sexual position combination, she’ll crack the code that is her orgasm. That means she can’t just “let go”, because she’s always looking for a step-by-step instruction manual. She tends to trust her mind more than her body–since she was taught that she had to silence her body and ignore her body and only listen to her brain.
Because of that, The Engineer’s mind is always going a mile a minute during sex. She has a hard time experiencing because she keeps thinking, “Is that right? Is this what the book meant to do? He moved a quarter of an inch–was that OK or should I tell him to go back?”
The Engineer is most likely to read every sex book she can and follow them exactly, having hundreds of long, drawn-out conversations with her husband about how to make sex better. When sex doesn’t work, she tends to see her body as the enemy–her mind needs to unlock why the body is failing and why the body isn’t working.
But the answer for The Engineer isn’t necessarily found in the brain. The Engineer has to re-integrate her brain with her body, and rediscover her sexuality within her body, and not just in her brain.
Can you relate to The Engineer when it comes to sex?
Last weekend I was looking for a post to share on Facebook, and I decided to try to find the post this year that had garnered the most comments and share it. Now, I know the post with the most comments was my open letter about Love & Respect that I wrote to Focus on the Family, but other than that–what was the biggest one?
I took a look through the stats, and it turns out it was the one asking if you felt that you had to be a sexual gatekeeper when you were growing up.
Here’s part of what resonated there:
From Did Being the Sexual Gatekeeper Affect You?
When women feel as if they have to be the sexual gatekeepers, to make sure that as a couple you don’t go too far before the wedding, it impacts your sex life after marriage.
That gatekeeper role is very hard to discard.
Here’s what happens: you start making out, and the guy’s really into it. But you’ve been taught your whole life that guys can’t control themselves, and that they will want to push your boundaries. So you have to stay alert and make sure that doesn’t happen. You are the one who is responsible to make sure that it doesn’t get out of hand.
While you’re making out, then, he’s totally enjoying himself, getting into it. But she feels like she’s standing back, as if she’s an observer, looking at the whole thing from the outside.
Should I be stopping him yet? How about now? How about now? How about now?
And on and on and on it goes. She teaches herself to never give in to the moment, and to never allow herself to just feel. She must always be hyper-vigilant, or things will get out of control.
When she marries, that “observer” role isn’t so easy to toss aside.
She’s so used to always judging what’s going on–“am I doing this right? Am I doing this right? How about this?”–that she can’t just let go and feel.
That’s often why women can have such difficulty learning to be aroused, we found, in both our survey and some focus groups. When you’ve trained yourself to be on alert, your body doesn’t automatically relax.
The gatekeeper role doesn’t ONLY affect the Engineer–it has an effect on some of our other characters, too. But in the Engineer the gatekeeper role embodies herself in a very specific way.
Sexuality becomes so dissociated from the body that it’s very difficult to figure out what actually feels good, or even what arousal feels like. Combine this with messages that good girls don’t like sex (or, as Emerson Eggerichs said in Love & Respect, women don’t like or need sex as men do), and many women don’t understand how to relate sexually to their own bodies.
That’s why so many women get frustrated when I say, “You have to learn to listen to your body,”
Sex can’t be paint-by-number, and it can’t be “do A for 5 minutes, flick B 84 times, then move on to C.” It depends on YOUR level of arousal.
In fact, what feels good early in the sexual response cycle may just bother you once you become more aroused, or what feels terrible early may be quite appealing once you’re really aroused. Many women who hate their nipples touched, for instance, like it once they’re very aroused. Or women who love light kisses or light stroking on the arms find it very annoying once their body is saying MORE! MORE!
So no one else can completely tell you how to have great sex. It’s actually a process of learning how to listen to what your body actually wants.
As we’ve been writing up the exercises for The Orgasm Course, we’re trying to find ways to help women become re-integrated with their bodies, and discover what actually does feel good.
The Orgasm Course is Open for Pre-Order!
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Preorder--and get $20 off the complete course (women's edition & men's edition) until November 2!
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Recognizing how some of the ways that we think about sex hold us back, though, can also help us to deliberately think differently about sex.
When you know you’re being an Engineer, you can start to say to yourself, “I don’t have to be in control. I’m allowed to just feel. I don’t need to have all the answers or to have this all figured out.”
That’s scary. But learning what WRONG messages you believe can also help you believe some RIGHT ones.
Now, the Engineer is only one of our characters. But let me know–can you relate to her? Or are there other beliefs that are holding you back? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Orgasm Series:
You Are Not Broken if Orgasm is Elusive
The Orgasm Podcast
5 Things that Make it More Likely that She Will Reach Orgasm
What Sex is Like for Women Who Don't Orgasm
How Do I Not Feel Self-Conscious about what it Takes to Reach Orgasm?
10 Things Husbands Who Are Great Lovers Do
Figuring out What's Holding You Back from Orgasm
The Orgasm Course Launch (October 26)
Start Your Engines Podcast: When your wife has difficulty with orgasm (October 29)
And don't forget to check out:
31 Days to Great Sex
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
And sign up to be notified when The Orgasm Course launches!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter
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October 19, 2020
The ORGASM Series: 10 Things Husbands Who Are Great Lovers Do
What do husbands who care about their wife’s pleasure and their wife’s orgasm actually do?
We’re in the middle of our orgasm series, culminating in the release of our Orgasm Course next Monday (Yay!). Katie’s frantically editing the last of the videos, and Rebecca’s getting the workbook all finished (my part is already done!).
And last week we were talking about how some men don’t always understand what it takes for women to orgasm.
Today I wanted to do something different.
I wanted to share with you what the To Love, Honor and Vacuum readers say to gush over husbands who ARE great lovers.
I asked on Facebook and Instagram: What do husbands who are great lovers actually do?
For women whose husbands are awesome, generous lovers: What does your husband do that helps you have fun in bed/relax in…
Posted by To Love, Honor and Vacuum on Friday, October 16, 2020
And we had such awesome responses! The vast majority of the things that women said didn’t actually relate to what happened in the bedroom. So I’ll share those ones first, and then share the bedroom ones!
(And incidentally–PLEASE follow me on Instagram! I’m trying to get to 10,000 followers so it will be easier to get the word out about our book when it releases. I’m 64% of the way there!)
Outside the bedroom, what do men who are great lovers do?
He talks to me
Intimacy begins before sex! So many women talked about the quality of their relationships outside the bedroom:
We have intellectual intimacy. Our favorite date to do is to go for a walk together with some coffee and talk about everything, then come back home and while our girls are gone, we hit the sheets.
2. He makes me feel loved in everything he does
The attitude of these husbands towards these wives was always one of love and care.
He loves me unconditionally.. and wants me happier than he wants himself. He is the best.
I think the biggest thing he does is treat me with respect at all times. I know I’m first in his life and he makes me feel cared for, loved, desired and appreciated.
3. He touches me in non-sexual ways–snuggles me, etc.
This was likely the second most mentioned thing–that guys TOUCHED their wives a lot.
We are a very affectionate couple, kissing often, holding hands, we cuddle and fall asleep wrapped in his arms every night.
He spends a lot of time holding me and kissing me. He’s affectionate outside the bedroom and this helps a lot because I don’t feel used when we finally do make love.
He loves snuggling with me. It takes the pressure off but can also be a nice lead in to something more. He also always asked what I want
4. He is my partner, and he’s there beside me for the kids and for the house
Nothing’s sexier than a guy who doesn’t take his wife for granted, but who feels like a genuine partner! It helps women transition from “mom” mode to “wife” mode if he’s in the trenches with her.
Help or take over “rush hour” (dinner bath bed routine with children), regular date nights that range from a cuppa together to going out never with the aim of a chandelier swingin rumpy pumpy, just aiming for intimacy. He compliments me, prays for me and is unfailingly kind. NONE of these things, you’ll notice, are to do with what goes on in bed but his behaviour sure makes it easy for me to respond to him – I’m working on initiating more, we have seven children and number eight is on the way, plus I’ve got a bit of baggage from DV + emotional neglect in childhood. It’s not always smooth sailing! I can’t overstate the affect his kindness and gentleness have had on our marriage (I’ve also endeavoured to respect and encourage him, too). My heart breaks for wives who have harsh, immature or indifferent husbands.
He takes care of me and our children outside the bedroom, which makes my heart swell with love and caring for when we get into our bedroom.
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5. He makes me feel beautiful
Many women have body image issues which stop them from being able to truly let go during sex. But when men build up their wife’s self-esteem, passion can flow!
When I’m critical of myself (aging, changing body), he always says I’m too hard on myself. So I genuinely believe he sees beauty in me, even when I don’t. So then, I have to choose to BELIEVE him.
He’s an alpha male, and constantly telling me how much he loves my big booty!
October 16, 2020
How Can I Stop Being Self-Conscious About How Long it Takes for Me to Orgasm?
Is orgasm elusive because the whole time you’re worrying that you’re taking too long?
We’re in the middle of our October orgasm series, leading up to the release of The Orgasm Course on October 26! I spent most of the week at my daughter Katie’s house right now while we filmed the videos for the men’s add-on to the Orgasm Course (it’s a course for women, but we’re creating an add-on for guys so that they can understand how women work!).
And the more we’ve researched this, looking at other survey results, and at our results from our own survey of 20,000 women, the more I think so much comes down to one thing, as we were talking about yesterday: At heart, women’s orgasm tends to be seen as an “extra”, rather than the main event. And this leaves women feeling broken if they don’t reach orgasm fast enough, and selfish if their husbands have to bring them to orgasm afterwards. And it can just lead to a general feeling of awkwardness.
If we didn’t feel as if her pleasure was secondary, I don’t think men would feel as depressed if their wives took longer to orgasm, or as lost. If we understood women’s sexuality–that we take longer; that intercourse doesn’t tend to be the main way most women reach orgasm; that we need to feel relationally connected and safe as well–then maybe we wouldn’t have so many couples feeling like there’s something wrong with her when she doesn’t act like him.
Here’s a woman writing in, talking about how self-conscious she feels because it takes so long to bring her to orgasm, and her husband seems lost:
I have been married for a little over 2 years. My husband and I were both virgins before marriage. I was very naive and had little real understanding of sex. It was very painful for me for the first year, which I thought was normal. Eventually I saw a gynecologist and was referred to a pelvic physical therapist who changed my life! As long as I keep up with my pelvic floor exercises and dilators, I have pain free sex now which is great.
However, after we got over that hurdle, I really desired to finally orgasm. I had never masturbated. But I never felt that my husband was touching me quite right. It always felt too sensitive and off-putting. All the Christian advice I’d read was to just show him how. But I didn’t even know what I was supposed to be feeling. I had no idea what worked. How could I show him something I didn’t even know?
He even bought a vibrator, and that felt way too intense and sensitive. So after talking, we decided that I should take some time to get to know my body, play around with self-stimulation and the vibrator. I read some advice online about how to use a vibrator and was almost immediately successful. What a relief it was to know that my body was capable! I was addicted. I knew what I was looking for now and that we needed to take a completely different approach than what we were doing before.
I knew I didn’t want to make self-stimulation a habit, I wanted to learn just to show my husband.
But he’s not getting it. Or he gets me so close and then moves, and I want to scream and rip it out of his hand and finish the job myself. It’s so incredibly frustrating. How do I teach him what to do? It’s difficult to communicate or explain exactly what I want.
I feel he has a poor understanding of female anatomy. And most of the time, we start off with some fun foreplay and sex, and then it’s “my turn” which just means he’s sitting at my feet, concentrating on my nether regions, constantly glancing up at my face to see if it’s “working.” I feel so self-conscious and so much pressure, while he waits for something to happen. I hate that “my turn” feels so disconnected to the rest of our sexual experience. My fantasy would be to orgasm while he’s inside me, but I don’t know how to get there.
I don’t want to be dependent on the vibrator. This has been such a roller coaster. Pain, relief, hope, disappointment. What should we do? I know I need to be more patient with him as he learns me, but when I struggle, it’s so easy to resent him for sex being such a breeze. He can’t possibly understand the frustration of having to fight and struggle for things to be pain-free and pleasurable. It’s easy to resent God for making it so easy for him and so hard for me. I thought virginity meant guaranteed great sex in marriage. That God would reward me. That’s what I was told. And nothing could be further from the truth.
We want orgasm to feel natural, but often the whole thing feels anything but.
How can it be natural when it’s taking so long and he’s trying one thing and then staring at your face to see if it’s working? You feel like you’re under a microscope, and it’s not something you’re just “doing”. We go over this in a lot of detail in our course, and we help the guys get the right attitude about this, too! (We’ve even using her quote about him “concentrating on my nether regions, constantly glancing up at my face to see if it’s “working.”” to help men see how NOT to act. Make sure you’re on the email list so you’ll get notified when the course launches–and you won’t miss the big launch week sale:
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But today I actually want to throw this question out to all of you, and let you answer.
So I’m just going to give a few (super) quick thoughts today and then see what you all think.
Taking the lead can often make stimulation more fun and help him to “get” it
So take his hand and use it to stimulate yourself, so he feels what you want, and you know it feels good.
Rub against his leg. Have him lie still and you can grind against different parts of him. Let him see that you CAN get excited, and he’ll learn what pressure/timing you like, too.
Play “Teacher”
Instead of just lying there while he tries to touch you, without really understanding what he’s doing, play “teacher”.
Or think of it like an eye doctor examination (I know that’s not sexy, but it’s the same concept). You know when you’re sitting in that chair, and they put the glasses on you, and they ask, “what’s better? A or B?”
And you choose B. So they they ask, “B or C?” And so on.
Have him try two different things, and then ask you what’s best. Help him to understand what feels better. And if you’re not sure, you’ll learn something, too! But often that’s better than him just doing one thing for 15 minutes that honestly doesn’t feel that great, while you have no idea what else to suggest.
Try the Intimately Us app!
I talked about this marriage & sex app last week, but I think it’s amazing, and I really think it will help this couple. Having him learn to touch with no idea what he’s doing can be really demoralizing for both of you. But if you have a game that tells you what to do, and that switches things up frequently so it’s not just doing any one thing, but it’s doing a combination of different things, can help you each discover what feels good.
And because the games start with emotional connection, it also helps you feel close and brings the tension level down at the beginning.
So much about the app helps you understand your own body, and helps your husband figure out your body, too. And sometimes all you need is that confidence that comes from figuring out WHAT new things you’re supposed to try! It’s much easier than him just lying at your feet, staring at your “nether regions” in confusion.
Read My Review of It!
Check the App Out!
Finally, one last thought: the reason that we get self-conscious is because we still think that his experience should be the norm.
If men took 45 minutes to reach orgasm, and women took 25 or 30, we wouldn’t feel self-conscious about it in the same way at all.
The only reason we’re self-conscious is because we’re comparing ourselves to men, who tend to be faster.
But, ladies, this is how God made you! And husbands–this is how God made your wives!
That doesn’t mean it needs to take 45 minutes, or an hour, or whatever. Most women, when they figure out the orgasm piece, can reach orgasm in twenty minutes or so.
Nevertheless, the fact that it takes longer for you does not mean that there is something wrong with you or that you need to feel self-conscious or that he needs to feel like there’s something wrong with you.
You each just need to embrace the fact that you are different. Your body needs to be played like a violin. He needs to become an afficianado, and that doesn’t happen automatically, and that’s okay.
I know it can be frustrating, and I know you can feel self-conscious, but again, I do think the root of that is women feeling as if our sexuality is somehow sub-par, and as if we have to “catch up” to the men. Really, I think God was trying to teach men that they need to slow down for the women! Sex is made so that men need to care for women. That’s just the way it works. And that can make us feel self-conscious, because we’re not used to being the centre of attention. It feels wrong somehow.
But for sex to work, she has to be willing to take, and he has to be willing to give. And you both actually have to embrace those roles!
I know many of you also feel self-conscious about taking so long to orgasm.
I know many of you can relate to the woman in the letter.
So I’d like to open this up for you in the comments:
So it’s your turn to answer. What would you tell this woman? What would you tell her husband? How do you stop all this awkwardness? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Orgasm Series:
You Are Not Broken if Orgasm is Elusive
The Orgasm Podcast
5 Things that Make it More Likely that She Will Reach Orgasm
What Sex is Like for Women Who Don't Orgasm (October 13)
How Do I Not Feel Self-Conscious about what it Takes to Reach Orgasm? (October 14)
Figuring out What's Holding You Back from Orgasm (October 19)
What if My Husband Feels Self-Conscious about Talking about Sex? (October 20)
The Orgasm Course Launch (October 26--we hope!)
Start Your Engines Podcast: When your wife has difficulty with orgasm (October 29)
And don't forget to check out:
31 Days to Great Sex
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
And sign up to be notified when The Orgasm Course launches!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter
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October 15, 2020
The PODCAST Extras: The One Big Roadblock to Orgasm
With all the things that harm a woman’s chances of orgasm, does any one thing stand out?
We’re in the middle of our orgasm series on the blog this month, and for this week’s podcast I wanted to elaborate on something I said in last week’s podcast. Last week I introduced the analogy of the restaurant dinner out, where she gets to eat, and he gets nothing, to show us what sex is like for women who never orgasm.
I brought that up again this week on the blog, and a bunch of interesting comments came in that I thought warranted more discussion.
So here we go!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
What happens when our definition of sex has to do with intercourse alone?
THAT’S the big roadblock–that having sex is about intercourse, an act which almost guarantees his orgasm, but which (usually) leaves her wanting. Then she feels selfish for wanting anything else, and guilty if she doesn’t give him one-sided sex.
We looked at three comments in particular:
I need an actual explanation of why sex is intimate. There is nothing “intimate” about my husband using my body for pleasure that I have never experienced. That is literally the opposite of intimacy.
Socially, we condition women to expect all of their gratification from emotional connections, as if we are not also fulfilled by career success, intellectual pursuits, athletics, etc. “But you enjoy the emotional closeness!” is just another way of telling women that we aren’t important enough to ask for the things men consider their birthright.
Thank you for starting this series! I’ve been married a decade and I’m just starting to truly understand how badly my sexual response to my husband has been affected by messages I learned in childhood. Growing up in church, I learned very “clearly” that sex is something women do to keep their husbands’ lust at bay, and it’s something that every wife owes her husband to keep him from being miserable. My husband DOES care about me enjoying sex, but it’s hard for him to wrap his mind around the thinking I grew up with.. and honestly, it does feel like I’m broken and missing out on what everyone else is enjoying. It’s like.. I followed purity culture and did everything “right” and all I got out of it were these stupid issues.
There’s a ridiculous amount of mental barricades to trying to fix this problem. I know I have extra ones, since years of associating sex with pain is really hard to turn off. To be blunt, I very rarely even want to have sex at all just from that alone. When we do, it takes a ridiculous amount of time to even get aroused, like an hour or more, and then no matter what we try, any pleasure just stops abruptly and everything gets irritating with no payoff. Throw in factors like the exhaustion of parenting little kids, trying to keep the house just passably clean (which my husband does split the work well on), homeschooling, all of the extra stress of just living through this year… it honestly seems insurmountable. So if we tried to prioritize me reaching orgasm, we’d probably end up having even less sex than we do now, which already is infrequent. And then there’s a level of guilt about having a sexless marriage. It’s just SO many negative thoughts and feelings to untangle, and I don’t even know where an end of the yarn ball is to start.
Do you see the commonalities here? I’d love to talk about this more on the comments!
Katie joined me to talk about how the effects of negative messages about sex affect her generation vs. older generations.
It was great to have her on the podcast again! And she eluded to this YouTube video she made a few years ago, which is awesome. You are not a half-eaten chocolate bar, non-sticky tape, or dirty water:
God made sex to be AWESOME!
It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!
Things Mentioned in this Podcast
Preorder The Great Sex Rescue (our book based on our survey of 20,000 women)
Our post on what it’s like for women who never reach orgasm
The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex
The Honeymoon Course (a course for couples before they wed so that sex starts off well!)
Sign up to be notified when The Orgasm Course launches
We need a new definition of sex
I’d love to know–what do you think happens when we think that sex=intercourse? Can we create a definition where intercourse is a PART of it, but women’s experiences are still considered? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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