Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 42
December 28, 2020
The Top Posts of 2020 on To Love, Honor and Vacuum!
2020 is almost gone! And I’m sure there is much rejoicing–with prayers that 2021 will be much better.
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I’ve been cocooning for the last week, and haven’t been on the computer at all until this morning when I woke up and realized I really should get a post ready! It’s actually been wonderful to be unplugged.
We had an early Christmas, since lockdowns are starting in Ontario where we live. My daughter Katie and David came down to visit us (don’t worry; they live in a green zone, where there’s very little COVID, and have been very good at socially distancing themselves), so we were all together. And then we had Christmas on the 22nd, the day after our anniversary. So we ended up celebrating our anniversary on Christmas instead, and it all got very confusing but very relaxing.
I also spent most of Christmas knitting; I finally discovered a use for all the mohair yarn I’ve got in my stash. It makes really warm hats!
I knit the hat and mittens while taking some needed mental health breaks lately! (The scarf I knit a few years ago. I also likely knit the socks I’m wearing here, but you can’t see them anyway.)
I’ve really needed the break, and I’ve had so many thoughts going through my head about what it means to grow, and the difference that Jesus should make in our lives, and how we don’t really understand what an abundant life looks like. And I hope to talk about all of that more in podcasts this year–likely in the first one of the year!
But at the end of the year, I like to run a post featuring the biggest posts of the year, and today I’d like to run the biggest posts that were written in 2020–the ones that got the most traffic and the most eyeballs.
Often that’s because they’re picked up by search engines, though. While I like all of these posts, they’re not necessarily the ones that I would have picked for my top posts. I’ll share those with you later this week. But I wrote 5 posts a week, pretty much everyday this year, taking off only last week and major holidays. So that’s a lot of posts! And I don’t want you to miss the big ones.
So here we go! Let’s count out way to #1:
#10
On Emotional Labor and Mental Load: Let’s Talk Fair Play!
I’m so glad this made the list, because this would have been definitely in my top 3! This series was IMPORTANT. So many women told me afterwards that this series on mental load put into words what they’d been trying to describe to their husbands for years. And I do think that often we believe the problem with sex has everything to do with sex, and we forget that often it’s the more mundane things that get in the way.
#9
My Husband Thinks I’m Boring in Bed
What do you do if your husband thinks you’re boring in bed? Well, is this an issue with him, with you, or with the two of you together? Let’s sort it out!
#8
On Submission, Debi Pearl, and Created to Be His Helpmeet
Here’s another post that was really important: I expanded and re-ran my critique of Debi Pearl’s book Created To Be His Helpmeet, which tragically is quite popular, especially in homeschooling circles. It was named the second most harmful book by the 20,000 women who took our sex & marriage survey last year (Love & Respect was #1). And there are really two roots to the problem with her book: she thinks that the purpose of women is to serve their husbands, rather than to serve Jesus; and she thinks that suffering makes you holy. Neither is biblical, and here’s why.
#7
The 4 Stages of Porn Recovery
I think this one ended up in the top 10 because I share it so much–because it’s a very important and comprehensive post. So many people end up on this blog because of porn problems in their marriage. But how do you actually get over those porn problems? Well, too many people rush from stage 1 to stage 4, and omit stages 2 & 3. And that’s a problem.
#6
10 Sexy Questions to Ask Your Husband
Sometimes we all need a little spice in our marriage! Just a fun one that I re-ran this year, that may be a good one to revisit if you’ve got some time on your hands right now!
#5
4 Things You Must Do If Your Husband Uses Porn
Our porn series from April is responsible for several of the posts in the top 10–which is wonderful. Honestly, so many of my readers ended up on this blog because they initially googled something about dealing with porn, and I’m so glad that they found me. Here’s another important post about how to treat porn seriously and appropriately if you discover your husband (or your wife) using it.
#4
Top 10 Effects of Porn on Marriage and Your Sex Life
And why is porn so serious? Here’s a great post that lays out all of porn’s effects!
#3
An Open Letter to Focus on the Family about Love & Respect
Honestly, THIS is the post I wish was #1, but Google picked up other ones instead! But it still received thousands upon thousands of eyeballs. And that’s good, because this also launched our research for our book The Great Sex Rescue. Honestly, if Focus on the Family had handled my initial emails of concern to them appropriately about Love & Respect (even if they had simply said that they would look into it), we never would have embarked on our huge survey, and our book The Great Sex Rescue, coming out in just two months, would never have been written.
In a way, I think God hardened their hearts, because He is exposing so much darkness in the church right now. That’s what our new book will do, and it will also give people hope and a new way to look at sex. But it all started from this hullabaloo, and if you haven’t read it, you should.
#2
26 2-Player Board Games to Play as a Couple
I really love this post–because I really love two player games! My husband and I have just loved playing Wingspan all year (a game I mention in this post), and this Christmas we bought the European birds expansion. Plus we tried a new game–Mariposas! I may have to go back and update this list ot include it, because it’s really fun, too.
#1
How to Initiate Sex: Top 10 Tips for Initiating Sex with Your Husband
For years this was the #1 post on the blog, and I updated and re-ran this year–and it still is the #1 post! So here you go. Top 10 ideas to initiate sex–with lots of links for more help to spice things up!
So that’s what was big on the blog that I wrote this year!
I want to highlight some other posts–and some series–later this week that I feel were also important, and share more thoughts I’ve had on some of them several months out. And I also want to share with you my favourite podcasts of the year!
But this week I’m still taking a bit of a break to process. It’s been a BIG year. All of my speaking stopped, which meant that I concentrated entirely on creating a bunch of new things that I’ve been putting off. Our Orgasm Course finally launched (I’ve been wanting to make it for years but never had time). We wrote The Great Sex Rescue (and it will be out March 2!). Keith and I are in the middle of editing the first draft of our upcoming book The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex. But mostly I’ve been on a journey to understand my faith better, and to figure out what it means to put Jesus at the centre–especially when so many churches that claim to do that give such terrible marriage advice and marriage counseling.
Why? And how can we fix this? That’s what’s been preoccupying me all year, and what I’m trying to see clearly.
I just want people to thrive. I want people to stop hurting. I want to see real growth. I want to see people honestly being transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit, not just able to recite doctrine but have it not make a difference in how they treat people.
So I’m processing, because I know I love Jesus. I know He loves me. And while much of our church culture has disappointed me lately, so many of your comments have kept me going. Jesus is working; He is tearing down, and He is building up.
There is a time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them. (Ecclesiastes 3:5)
That’s my verse as I end 2020. We’ve been scattering stones a lot this year. I hope as our new book launches, you’ll all see how we can start gathering them back together, and finding real health and growth in 2021!
Oh, and please sign up for my emails so that you don’t miss any awesome posts in 2021!
Let me know–which post was your favourite in 2020? Or was there something that I wrote that you thought should have made the list? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter
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Top 10 Biggest Posts of 2020!
2020 is almost gone! And I’m sure there is much rejoicing–with prayers that 2021 will be much better.
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. I’ve been cocooning for the last week, and haven’t been on the computer at all until this morning when I woke up and realized I really should get a post ready! It’s actually been wonderful to be unplugged.
We had an early Christmas, since lockdowns are starting in Ontario where we live. My daughter Katie and David came down to visit us (don’t worry; they live in a green zone, where there’s very little COVID, and have been very good at socially distancing themselves), so we were all together. And then we had Christmas on the 22nd, the day after our anniversary. So we ended up celebrating our anniversary on Christmas instead, and it all got very confusing but very relaxing.
I also spent most of Christmas knitting; I finally discovered a use for all the mohair yarn I’ve got in my stash. It makes really warm hats!
I knit the hat and mittens while taking some needed mental health breaks lately! (The scarf I knit a few years ago. I also likely knit the socks I’m wearing here, but you can’t see them anyway.)
I’ve really needed the break, and I’ve had so many thoughts going through my head about what it means to grow, and the difference that Jesus should make in our lives, and how we don’t really understand what an abundant life looks like. And I hope to talk about all of that more in podcasts this year–likely in the first one of the year!
But at the end of the year, I like to run a post featuring the biggest posts of the year, and today I’d like to run the biggest posts that were written in 2020–the ones that got the most traffic and the most eyeballs.
Often that’s because they’re picked up by search engines, though. While I like all of these posts, they’re not necessarily the ones that I would have picked for my top posts. I’ll share those with you later this week. But I wrote 5 posts a week, pretty much everyday this year, taking off only last week and major holidays. So that’s a lot of posts! And I don’t want you to miss the big ones.
So here we go! Let’s count out way to #1:
#10
On Emotional Labor and Mental Load: Let’s Talk Fair Play!
I’m so glad this made the list, because this would have been definitely in my top 3! This series was IMPORTANT. So many women told me afterwards that this series on mental load put into words what they’d been trying to describe to their husbands for years. And I do think that often we believe the problem with sex has everything to do with sex, and we forget that often it’s the more mundane things that get in the way.
#9
My Husband Thinks I’m Boring in Bed
What do you do if your husband thinks you’re boring in bed? Well, is this an issue with him, with you, or with the two of you together? Let’s sort it out!
#8
On Submission, Debi Pearl, and Created to Be His Helpmeet
Here’s another post that was really important: I expanded and re-ran my critique of Debi Pearl’s book Created To Be His Helpmeet, which tragically is quite popular, especially in homeschooling circles. It was named the second most harmful book by the 20,000 women who took our sex & marriage survey last year (Love & Respect was #1). And there are really two roots to the problem with her book: she thinks that the purpose of women is to serve their husbands, rather than to serve Jesus; and she thinks that suffering makes you holy. Neither is biblical, and here’s why.
#7
The 4 Stages of Porn Recovery
I think this one ended up in the top 10 because I share it so much–because it’s a very important and comprehensive post. So many people end up on this blog because of porn problems in their marriage. But how do you actually get over those porn problems? Well, too many people rush from stage 1 to stage 4, and omit stages 2 & 3. And that’s a problem.
#6
10 Sexy Questions to Ask Your Husband
Sometimes we all need a little spice in our marriage! Just a fun one that I re-ran this year, that may be a good one to revisit if you’ve got some time on your hands right now!
#5
4 Things You Must Do If Your Husband Uses Porn
Our porn series from April is responsible for several of the posts in the top 10–which is wonderful. Honestly, so many of my readers ended up on this blog because they initially googled something about dealing with porn, and I’m so glad that they found me. Here’s another important post about how to treat porn seriously and appropriately if you discover your husband (or your wife) using it.
#4
Top 10 Effects of Porn on Marriage and Your Sex Life
And why is porn so serious? Here’s a great post that lays out all of porn’s effects!
#3
An Open Letter to Focus on the Family about Love & Respect
Honestly, THIS is the post I wish was #1, but Google picked up other ones instead! But it still received thousands upon thousands of eyeballs. And that’s good, because this also launched our research for our book The Great Sex Rescue. Honestly, if Focus on the Family had handled my initial emails of concern to them appropriately about Love & Respect (even if they had simply said that they would look into it), we never would have embarked on our huge survey, and our book The Great Sex Rescue, coming out in just two months, would never have been written.
In a way, I think God hardened their hearts, because He is exposing so much darkness in the church right now. That’s what our new book will do, and it will also give people hope and a new way to look at sex. But it all started from this hullabaloo, and if you haven’t read it, you should.
#2
26 2-Player Board Games to Play as a Couple
I really love this post–because I really love two player games! My husband and I have just loved playing Wingspan all year (a game I mention in this post), and this Christmas we bought the European birds expansion. Plus we tried a new game–Mariposas! I may have to go back and update this list ot include it, because it’s really fun, too.
#1
How to Initiate Sex: Top 10 Tips for Initiating Sex with Your Husband
For years this was the #1 post on the blog, and I updated and re-ran this year–and it still is the #1 post! So here you go. Top 10 ideas to initiate sex–with lots of links for more help to spice things up!
So that’s what was big on the blog that I wrote this year!
I want to highlight some other posts–and some series–later this week that I feel were also important, and share more thoughts I’ve had on some of them several months out. And I also want to share with you my favourite podcasts of the year!
But this week I’m still taking a bit of a break to process. It’s been a BIG year. All of my speaking stopped, which meant that I concentrated entirely on creating a bunch of new things that I’ve been putting off. Our Orgasm Course finally launched (I’ve been wanting to make it for years but never had time). We wrote The Great Sex Rescue (and it will be out March 2!). Keith and I are in the middle of editing the first draft of our upcoming book The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex. But mostly I’ve been on a journey to understand my faith better, and to figure out what it means to put Jesus at the centre–especially when so many churches that claim to do that give such terrible marriage advice and marriage counseling.
Why? And how can we fix this? That’s what’s been preoccupying me all year, and what I’m trying to see clearly.
I just want people to thrive. I want people to stop hurting. I want to see real growth. I want to see people honestly being transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit, not just able to recite doctrine but have it not make a difference in how they treat people.
So I’m processing, because I know I love Jesus. I know He loves me. And while much of our church culture has disappointed me lately, so many of your comments have kept me going. Jesus is working; He is tearing down, and He is building up.
There is a time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them. (Ecclesiastes 3:5)
That’s my verse as I end 2020. We’ve been scattering stones a lot this year. I hope as our new book launches, you’ll all see how we can start gathering them back together, and finding real health and growth in 2021!
Oh, and please sign up for my emails so that you don’t miss any awesome posts in 2021!
Let me know–which post was your favourite in 2020? Or was there something that I wrote that you thought should have made the list? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter
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December 21, 2020
The One Thing I Can’t Remember About Christmas
When you think back to your Christmases as a child, what do you remember?
Realizing what you remember–and what you don’t–can help you figure out what’s good to emphasize for your own kids!
Today’s my 29th anniversary, and so I’ve invited Rebecca on the blog today to take over and share some memories she has of Gregoire Christmases, but, most importantly, what she can’t remember.
Here’s Becca!
When I look back on Christmases from my childhood, I remember three things.
First, we always baked a birthday cake for Baby Jesus.
We started when I was 3 or 4, and it’s my earliest Christmas memory. It became one of our family’s traditions, since we never did the Santa thing, and because, well, it was Baby Jesus’ birthday after all. Plus my family loves cake. So any excuse pretty much goes.
Second, Katie and I agonized over waiting for my parents to wake up.
One particular time it was 5:15 AM Christmas morning when I was 6 years old, and Katie was 4.
Katie and I weren’t allowed to wake Mom and Dad up until it was 6:30 (pure torture). But we were way too excited to fall back asleep. So Katie and I got out our favourite stuffed animals and started to bargain with the clock. “PLEASE make it be 5:16, clock! PLEASE! Teddy wants it to be 5:16 so badly!” And then it would turn to 5:16 and we’d start all over again with the next number.
We sat and did that for a solid hour and fifteen minutes.
And then we ran as quickly (and loudly) as we could to Mom and Dad’s room, jumped into their bed and wiggled and giggled excitedly until they woke up. And then when we became teenagers the roles reversed! Although Mom and Dad never really wiggled and giggled as much as we did.
Third, it was really laid back.
I remember waking up for Christmas when I was 8 and Katie was 6. We woke up at 6:00 that year, because we heard something. We peeked out of our bedroom door to catch Mom sneaking downstairs with an armful of presents. She froze, paused, and then whispered, “Santa’s running a little late?”
We laughed and went back to bed, and she let us come down a whole fifteen minutes earlier that year than any of the years before. Score!
Our family did things at its own pace–we weren’t scrambling to drive from one city to the next, but we made sure to see whoever was available. We didn’t stress about having the perfect Christmas tree, or the perfect presents–and it wasn’t a big deal if mom and dad forgot to put the presents under the tree. It was just fun.
But there’s one thing that I cannot remember no matter how hard I try.
And that’s the presents.
When I look back, 3 presents stand out to me from my childhood (before age 16, since my memory’s still pretty good for the last five years). A foosball table, a giant sleeve of Barbie dresses, and a tea set. And I honestly cannot remember the rest.
I remember opening presents, and I remember being excited about the presents I got, and organizing them in my toy boxes and drawers in my room, and purging old toys to make room for the new ones. But I simply cannot remember what exactly I received.
And I think that’s because the highlights of the holiday were never what we got. And we got awesome presents. But most of our Christmas wasn’t about that–gifts were over by 9:00, but our day had only started. My family did such an amazing job of making Christmas about celebrating Jesus and spending time with family–and making that time together fun.
Mom joked around when she forgot to put the presents under the tree. Katie and I bonded by pleading with our clock to speed up time. I stood on a chair to “help” stir the Baby Jesus Birthday Cake, because I couldn’t reach the counter otherwise. It didn’t matter if the tree was perfect (which is good, because it was really ugly), if our hair was curled for the Christmas Eve service, or if everything didn’t go according to plan.
What mattered was just that we were together, and that was made the priority.
So I don’t remember the presents. But I definitely remember Christmas.
You may also enjoy:
10 Things I Can’t Live without at Christmas
What about you? What was special to you as a child? Let’s talk in the comments!
Rebecca Lindenbach
Blog Contributor, Author, and Podcaster
Rebecca Lindenbach is a psychology graduate, Sheila’s daughter and the author of Why I Didn’t Rebel. Working alongside her husband Connor, she develops websites focusing on building Jesus-centered marriages and families. Living the work-from-home dream, they take turns bouncing their new baby boy, and appeasing their curmudgeonly rescue Yorkshire terrier, Winston. ENTJ, 9w8. Check out Why I Didn't Rebel, or follow her on Instagram!
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December 18, 2020
How Do You Live with an Emotionally Immature Spouse?
How do you draw boundaries with an emotionally immature/passive aggressive spouse?
I thought I was finished with my emotional maturity series, but a wonderful question came in to the blog this week that I thought it was worth running!
I was wondering if you knew of any resources for the spouses of emotionally immature / passive aggressive / avoidant people (I realize that’s a lot of problems at once, but they seem to go together a fair bit).
There seem to be so few resources available, yet this is very difficult to live with without wondering if YOU’RE the crazy one. Keeping perspective and motivation day after day isn’t easy. They tell you you expect too much. That they’re “doing their best”. They feel like the victim of some cruel tyrant. And all you’re asking for is to connect and deal with problems like adults.
A lot of marriage books/courses are aimed at couples where both partners are working to make the marriage better. But you need a whole different game plan when your spouse is passive aggressive and immature. One with very strict boundaries (a la the Boundaries in Marriage book – a very helpful read).
This issue is the silent killer of marriages. The passive aggressive/immature spouse is often easy going and pleasant AS LONG AS NOTHING IS REQUIRED OF THEM. People outside the marriage think they’re so “nice”. When you try to explain it to someone whose spouse isn’t PA/immature, they’re mystified by why you’re making such a big deal out if it. “All spouses are difficult sometimes – you just need to talk it out,” they say, not understanding that a PA spouse will literally refuse to discuss things. They stonewall and get quickly more uncooperative the more you try to appeal to them. If you try to explain to others, people tell you to be grateful because “at least he isn’t doing “______” (insert obvious bad behaviour here). The sins of omission can be as damaging as the sins of commission but it’s very hard to convince others who haven’t experienced it.
What do you do if you don’t have a degree in psychology to deal with your spouse’s manipulation? Are there counselors specifically trained in this? We’ve tried seeing counselors in the past, but my spouse sheds a few tears over their behaviour and the experiences in his childhood that caused it, everyone feels we’ve made progress… but then NOTHING CHANGES. The next time an issue comes up they stonewall, become rude and dismissive and say they’re just too “busy” or “tired” to deal with it right now. When I ask “ok, when is a good time to deal with this” they get angry and say they “can’t name a specific time”. If we could afford to pay to see a counselor every week for the rest of our lives, maybe that would help (they behave much better when someone else is watching), but we can’t. Plus, since they DO behave much better when someone else’s eye is on them, the counselor thinks “oh great – they’re cured” and sends us on our way with a cheery wave. And then my spouse spirals back down into their passive aggression and avoidance.
I’ve decided I need to stand up and say “enough” but I expect it will bring a lot of escalated behaviour from my spouse and a lot of going against my own ingrained habits. I’ve been dealing with this the wrong way for a decade, doing what I thought would help. So, as I try to live differently, it would be so helpful to have a support group, Christian counsellor who knows all the tricks up my spouse’s sleeve or even a book that gives practical strategies (for someone who’s spouse is not at ALL interested in changing and all you can do is change the way YOU act).
I actually don’t want to comment on this too much, because I’m hoping that some of you have some great ideas and great book suggestions. I honestly can’t get around to reading everything, because I’m so busy, but I often get the best recommendations from my readers.
And if you’re reading this post through email because you’re signed up to my daily emails, and you have some ideas, please click through and leave a comment!
But I will say that things won’t change without being willing to deal with escalated behaviors.
That’s the price of rocking the boat–things get rocky! Right now your marriage is in equilibrium. He’s happy because he doesn’t have to deal with the things that are bothering you, but you’re not happy.
The only way that he will change is if the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same. In other words, there has to be some pain in staying the same!
But people don’t usually change without a fight, so he may not be happy as you try to draw firmer boundaries of what you will put up with.
I will say that familiarizing yourself with attachment issues is likely wise.
Often people act in counterproductive ways because they had terrible attachments to their parents and family of origin, and that affects how they act now. A great book to understand this better is How We Love. And, yes, Boundaries in Marriage is great, but if you find it doesn’t go far enough, try the companion book Changes that Heal. And Leslie Vernick’s How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong is also very good.
Often we do things because of pain in our background that has never been fully processed or dealt with, and it’s just plain holding us back. It sounds like this is what’s going on with her husband. But it’s also so, so tiring to live with someone like that, so make sure you leave room for your own hobbies and for your own friends so you also get some healthy headspace, too.
But I’d like to throw this out to everyone else now: What should she do? Any book suggestions? Any key things for having counseling sessions be more productive? Let’s talk in the comments!
You may also enjoy:
Our Iron Sharpens Iron Series (because marriage should make us better people)
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
Posts in the Emotional Maturity Series:
Four Markers of Emotional Maturity
Do We Use God Language to Avoid Maturity?
2 Keys to Handling Stonewalling Behavior
6 Ways to Grow in Emotional Maturity
A Book List to Help with Emotional Maturity
What Does Emotional Maturity Look Like (Podcast)
When Christian Resources Perpetuate Your Spouse's Immaturity
What if Emotional Maturity is a Skill Guys Can Learn?
How Anger is Like an Iceberg
What is Real Masculinity?
And check out 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage--my book that covers emotional maturity. Plus there's a FREE group study you can take with it!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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December 17, 2020
PODCAST: Churchianity vs. Christianity and The Year of Being Homeless
Looking back on 2020 is humbling.
It’s been a tough year with COVID and plans crumbling and retreating into small bubbles, but on the other hand I’ve also written two books, created The Orgasm Course, and gotten so much done because I haven’t been speaking!
But on a personal level, we feel as if this has been the Year of Feeling Homeless. As we have analyzed our survey results of 20,000 women, and seen those in power unwilling to admit that what they’re saying about sex hurts people, it’s caused us to feel adrift. So today, on the podcast, I talk first with Rebecca and then with Keith about our own faith journeys this year. A bit of a different podcast–it’s just really personal and doesn’t tackle any particular topic. But it lets you in more on our hearts!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
And, of course, you can watch on YouTube too!
Timeline of the Podcast
0:36 How we’ve felt ‘homeless’
7:20 How in 2021 we will burn bridges with the truth
15:31 What is important in a ‘safe’ church
27:58 How we want 2021 to look for our ministry
30:16 Keith explains how he feels about speaking up
33:49 Sheila shares a tough personal story of church leadership in her own life
39:00 We believe what we believe about women BECAUSE of the bible
47:36 What you unknowingly communicate with church attendance
52:07 Sheila leaves you with her personal verses and encouragement for the future
Things Mentioned in the Podcast
The Great Sex Rescue (you can pre-order now and help us!)
98 Ways You Can Sin Against Your Husband (that horrible hand-out from biblical counseling)
Marg Mowczko’s site looking at women and Scripture
Paul and Gender, Cynthia Westfall’s book that was mentioned last week
The Unconditional Respect podcast from last week, where we tackled Love & Respect
The Stumbling Block podcast from two weeks ago, when we tackled another sacred cow
How you can spread the word and make a difference! Follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook–and sign up for my emails!
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Why Do Faith Communities So Often Go Astray?
On the podcast we were personal, and I’m not going to sum it up today. I just welcome you to listen in.
But I’d like to share a few thoughts I’ve had since about why it is that things often go haywire in faith communities.
When faith becomes institutionalized, then doctrine usually gets stressed over practice
Here’s what tends to happen: A great revival sweeps through, and more people come to know Jesus. They form churches, and denominations. And those grow in size.
Then the challenge becomes: “how can we keep going and keep what we have and grow?” And the answer usually becomes: “we need to show people that they have a reason to belong here and not somewhere else.”
In order to maintain the institution, you need to cultivate an “us vs. them” mentality. People need to feel as if they’re part of the “in” group so that they will keep coming and dedicating resources.
Now, obviously we know that we’re part of the “in” group and that we have a certain identity because we are in Christ. But lots of places claim that. So it has to go deeper than that.
What usually happens is that power structures (like denominations, or big churches, or big organizations) develop elaborate doctrines, and elaborate rules of how one acts to show that one is part of the “in” crowd.
So this group may believe X,Y and Z about the Bible, and may also not watch these movies, and may all vote for this political party, while another group does it differently. But the point is that once something is institutionalized, there is an inevitable pull to maintaining that institution by codifying beliefs and by creating identities that revolve around how we act. You may say, “well, it should, because Jesus told us that we were supposed to act differently than the world!”
Yes, He did. But the actions that He was calling for were those that would transform the world and draw others to Himself. The actions that institutions often call for are not those that are directed at the world, but instead those that we practice in order to distinguish ourselves from others.
I am not against institutionalized religion, by the way.
I actually think it’s important, because otherwise doctrine can go way off base, and we do need accountability. But we also need to be very aware of the pitfalls that come with it to guard against them. And we can see those same pitfalls throughout history.
When Christianity becomes institutionalized, it often focuses more on maintaining identity than on kingdom work.
Again, I’m saying “often”, not “always”, because I do believe that some form of institution and organization is inevitable when you have large groups of people coming together for a common task.
But what we have done is emphasized what you need to believe and how you need to act over fulfilling our mission to transform the world.
This doesn’t mean that doctrine is unimportant, or that there aren’t “must haves”. I believe that the Apostle’s Creed sums up well our must haves, and most relate to the personhood, divinity, and work of Jesus. And as Scripture says, whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved. (Romans 10:13).
The problem is that, because we have become so institutionalized, we view our mission as making sure that others become like us, rather than the mission that Jesus gave us. Yes, we’re to preach the good news. But I think we’ve forgotten WHY it’s good news. It’s not only so that you can get into heaven and have eternal life. Think about what Jesus said when He introduced His ministry:
“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”
Luke 4:18-19
When jesus came, He changed things. The blind could see; the captives were freed; the good news was preached to the poor. And the good news was not only salvation. It was that the kingdom of God was at hand, a kingdom that was not about power (Matthew 20:25-28), but was instead about love and justice.
We have forgotten so much of that because we have focused on orthodoxy (believing right) over orthopraxy (acting right), as Rebecca said in the podcast this week.
But what did Jesus emphasize?
By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.
John 13:35
And love, to Christ, is active. It’s sharing your tunic with one who has none; it’s sharing your cloak with one who has none. It’s part of bringing God’s will on earth as it is in heaven.
As you look back over history, the institutionalized church has more often than not gotten important things wrong–while Christians outside were always calling the church to more.
This is a very important distinction. Christians did not get things wrong. Jesus did not get things wrong. The institutionalized church got things wrong.
During the Crusades there were monks calling for the halt of them. During slavery there were SO MANY calling for the abolition of it (including my ancestors). William Wilberforce powerfully called the British government to outlaw slavery, despite the personal cost to himself. In the United States, abolitionists, even in the south, fought against the church that enabled and supported slavery. And many denominations themselves fought against slavery.
It was Christian movements outside of institutionalized religion that fought to end child labour. My great-great grandmother fought in the Women’s Christian Temperance Union in London, calling for an end to alcohol sales, largely because alcohol was responsible for so much abuse of women and poverty for children, since men would drink their paycheque away.
Here’s a bad picture of me outside the pub in London where my great-great-grandfather drank before he came to Christ–and a picture of my great-great-grandfather afterwards.
It was Christian women in Manitoba who fought for the right to vote, and who fought for women to be considered “persons” in British law, all the way to the British Supreme Court.
And yet, in all of these efforts, they were fighting AGAINST their churches at the time, who wanted to maintain the status quo.
When you want to see where God is working, throughout the Bible, throughout history, even throughout modern history, it is more often those “calling in the wilderness” than those on podiums and stages.
This actually gives me hope. When I get dismayed that the powers that be aren’t doing anything about something, and aren’t showing Jesus, I remember that it is a cycle: people call the church back to a real relationship with Jesus; that becomes institutionalized and calcified; and prophets once again call the church back.
And each time we call the church back, I think we get closer to listening to King Jesus. We see more of Him. When one big issue is resolved (like slavery), it’s easier to see the next one.
So as we’re talking about in this podcast, we’re feeling homeless right now from the institutionalized church. I do think it’s temporary; we’ve found a new church online that we like, and that after COVID we will likely join. But we know that in the broader Christian world, I am becoming anathema because I am calling us to more than really, really bad and toxic marriage and sex teaching.
But the history of the church is those outside the halls of power calling the church back to Jesus. So we must never mistake the institutions for Jesus. That’s how we get disillusioned. That’s how we get complacent.
This advent, as you’re waiting anew for Jesus, and reflecting on this year that’s past, ask Jesus to show you in a fresh way why He came.
It wasn’t only so that we could all say the sinner’s prayer. It was also for transformation. I pray for more and more of that in my own life, and in the church, in 2021.
What do you think? Have you felt homeless this year? Or have you found a home? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter
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December 15, 2020
Creating Christmas Traditions When You Don’t Have Kids
Can you create Christmas traditions as a couple BEFORE you have kids?
Absolutely!
Or what about if you aren’t planning on having kids, or can’t have kids–or if your kids are with your ex-spouses for the holidays. Does that mean that Christmas can’t be Christmas?
Nope! Because Christmas isn’t about kids; Christmas is about love. And so let’s talk today how the TWO of you can create great Christmas traditions, on your own.
And don’t miss my most popular Christmas post ever–Christmas Stocking Stuffers for your husband! Loads of unique ideas, most for under $20, that will make him smile Christmas morning!
I actually ran this post five years ago, but the ideas in it still work during COVID! So I thought, as more and more couples are having Christmas alone this year, it may be a good idea to run it again. It all started with this question from a young wife:
We don’t have kids yet, and all the Christmas articles I see on Pinterest about making Christmas meaningful all have to do with children. What can we do when it’s just the two of us to start Christmas traditions or make Christmas fun?
I thought that was a great question, so I put it up on Facebook and asked my readers: Any ideas for Christmas traditions as a couple? We had a whole lot of great ideas, and today I thought I’d share 10 ways to make Christmas meaningful before you have children (or to make it meaningful even if you never have children!).
1. Buy a meaningful ornament that sums up the year
Search for it throughout the year, or go to a special Christmas store together right before Christmas and get one that encapsulates what you’ve been through.
It could be something about exams and school, or something about a new job, or even something poignant. I’ve always loved the ornament that says, “Because someone we love is in heaven, there’s a little bit of heaven in our home.” We got a special one the year that our son died–and we also had special ones when we had our first child and when we first got married. We even have one for our life on the road in our RV now! Get creative. They can create a memory treasure trove of your life at different stages.
2. Put hot chocolate or coffee in a thermos and drive around looking at the Christmas lights
A quiet drive at twilight, a thermos of something hot, and a chance to snuggle. It’s lovely. And you can admire the beauty outside and the beauty of the season together, too.
And then there’s always those one or two houses that do Christmas BIG–that have every Christmas character lit up and that threaten to eat all the electricity from the whole neighborhood. Those are the houses it’s always fun to return to year after year, to see “what did they come up with now?”
3. Watch some Christmas movies together–and make some YOUR Christmas movies
Everybody has their favourite Christmas movies–and sometimes they’re not even about Christmas! The Sound of Music. Pride & Prejudice. Even Sleepless in Seattle!
Or maybe you go more traditional like Elf or Home Alone or National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. My daughter Katie and her husband David watched White Christmas for the first time. (Katie’s reaction: “Mom! How come we never watched this when we were kids?!?”)
Watch some movies together and make that your Christmas movie, the one that you’ll come back to year after year.
4. Go carolling with some other young marrieds
Chances are you know other couples in the same boat–couples who don’t have kids yet, either (or maybe older couples who never did have kids, or whose kids are with the other sets of parents this Christmas). Get together and go carolling! It’s awfully fun. It sounds hokey, but people actually enjoy it if you’re in a group.
And you can socially distance while you’re carolling, too, so it’s a way to get together even if you can’t go inside.
Here’s a Christmas carol booklet you can download and print!
Christmas isn’t about kids; Christmas is about love.
(Click here to tweet this quote)
5. Bake some cookies together and take them to your neighbours
Just because you don’t have kids doesn’t mean you can’t have fun or do the Christmas baking! Bake some cookies together and then hand them out to your neighbours. Lots of people are alone and sad this year, and besides, who says no to cookies?
6. Write a letter to each other
One woman shared this Christmas tradition:
Since the year before my husband and I were married, we write a letter to each other. It reflects the past year and looks forward to the next. We read them to each other then roll them up, put them in a clear Christmas ball, and hang it on our tree. We do it Christmas Eve before we exchange our Christmas Eve gifts. ..new shirt and tie for him, lingerie for me…to wear for him.
Along those same lines, here’s another idea:
7. Create a Christmas Eve box to open together
It could have a Christmas movie you’ll watch together, some new jammies (or lingerie!), a board game, a bottle of wine, or whatever you want to do together that night.
8. Adopt a Family through the Angel Tree program–or volunteer in some other way
Many communities have an Angel Tree program (you can often find them at malls) where you can “adopt” a child or a family and buy Christmas gifts for them.
Think of Christmas as a time when you can give back to your community in some way. If it’s not the Angel Tree program, maybe you can volunteer at the food bank on Christmas Eve. Maybe you can work at a soup kitchen together on Boxing Day.
Pray that God will show you what works for you as a couple so you can give back. And many of those traditions can be continued once you have kids!
9. Go for a Winter Hike
If you live somewhere that actually gets winter (like I do!), then pack up those thermoses and put on the scarves and hats and take a winter hike. Go somewhere with a lovely view, or somewhere that’s super quiet. Make it “your” place where you can reflect on the year that’s past, the beauty of God’s provision, and where you think God is leading you next year.
And even if you live in a warm place (which normally I’d be jealous of, but I like cold Christmases), then you can still hike. It just may not be that different from hikes at other times of year!
And you can continue this one if you become parents, too!
10. Commemorate Your First Christmas Together
If it’s your very first Christmas as a married couple, here are a few ideas from another Facebook fan:
Make an impression of your first house key in some salt dough and make an ornament out of it. If you use a real tree, cut a slice off the bottom and write the year and 1st Christmas together on it. Make an ornament with a picture of you two. If you are married put a wedding announcement in a clear glass Christmas ball and hang it on the tree.
I love it! I’m going to share that one with my daughter and son-in-law.
And here’s a bonus Christmas tradition for you to start next year:
11. Create a Couples Advent Calendar with Activities and Prayer Prompts
My blogging friend Darby Dugger, who has guest posted here before, created an advent calendar for her husband with verses to read and pray together, and lots of fun prompts for things to do! It’s super easy–she just wrote it on index cards and stuck it on a corkboard. Or you can be more creative. But it gets you in the spirit of remembering Jesus, and making Him the focus of our relationship.
So there you go–traditions that you can start now, even if you don’t have children. After all, Christmas isn’t just for kids! And now that you’re together, you have the chance to build your own Christmas traditions.
And a big THANK YOU to everyone who participated on Facebook and gave me these great ideas! If you’re not part of my Facebook community yet, come on over.
One more word for those who are newly married: I think it’s perfectly okay to tell parents, “we would like to spend a day or two just the two of us over the holidays, creating our own traditions.” You don’t need to wear yourselves out going between two families. It’s your family now, and if you want to create some of your own traditions, don’t be afraid to take some time to do just that!
Now, let me know: what Christmas traditions do you have as a couple (that don’t necessarily involve the kids?) Let’s brainstorm together!
PS: Don’t miss my Christmas stocking stuffers for your husband! The ideas are great!
Boost Your Libido Course$39.00
Sexy Dares–24 Dares for Couples$6.99
The Honeymoon Course$39.00
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
FacebookTwitter
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10 Christmas Gift Ideas for the Man Who is Impossible to Buy For
Are you stuck on Christmas gift ideas for your husband?
For a woman, you can always just buy something pretty. But what does a guy want?
One of my most popular posts ever was my Christmas stocking stuffers for your husband–and in that post I give some really unique ideas for inexpensive products you may never have heard of to get for your man–yummy stuffers, sexy stuffers, fun stuffers, smart stuffers, handy stuffers, and more!
Today I want to take a slightly different approach. I will recommend different gift ideas, in ten different categories, that can start you thinking about your own husband and what may work for him specifically. So think of this post as a giant brainstorming session to help you think of a gift your husband will actually love!
1. A Christmas Gift Your Husband Actually Needs (the Gift of Time)
Chances are you can think of something that your husband needs, but that gift can seem so, well, boring.
Here’s another way to think about it: what you’re really giving him is the gift of time and the gift of not having to go shopping. If it’s something that he actually needs, then at some point he will have to get into his car, drive to the mall, go into some stores, check the things out, try them on (if it’s clothing), pay, and come home.
Many men would rather have a root canal.
So even if he really doesn’t particularly care about new clothes, for instance, but he needs them, you could buy him clothes at Christmas and put this note on the tag:
The benefit of this gift is that it doesn’t add anything to your budget–he would have needed the things anyway. So if you’re tight for money this year, this is a good way to go!
2. A Christmas Gift That’s High Quality–That Your Husband Would Never Buy For Himself
Let’s say that you’re all really good at sticking to a budget and you’re trying hard not to clutter up your house with too much stuff.
Then here’s a gift that will really pamper him!
Replace something that he may already have plenty of with just ONE thing that’s super high quality. He’d likely never spend that kind of money on himself normally, but it’s so nice to own just a few things that are top of the line.
I’m sure you can think of several things that may fall into that category, but here are just a few to help you start brainstorming:
Binoculars – Vortex Optics Diamondback
My husband’s a birdwatcher, so a pair of high quality binoculars makes a huge difference. These Vortex ones are top of the line–10x42s, totally waterproof, and so much better than the little ones we’ve been using.
If your husband has a hobby–like hunting or fishing or woodworking–maybe replacing something he already has with something top of the line would be a luxury.
Check it Out!
Bible – NIV Study Bible, Bonded Leather
Does your husband have a decent Bible–with study notes, references, indexes, and more? Maybe it’s time to get him a good Bible! This one lays flat, and is made of bonded leather. Another good option is the parallel NIV/The Message Bible, so that he can compare two translations at the same time.
Check it Out!
Carry On Luggage – TravelPro Maxlite
If your husband travels a lot for work, this makes a HUGE difference. I had a ton of carry on luggage and a computer case, none of which was high quality. I recently bought this very piece and it’s amazing! It fits under the seat if it has to, and it has a special compartment that fits most 15″ computers. Best of all, it fits on top of a bigger suitcase over the handle so you can pull them both at the same time–no more pulling two suitcases at once! And it’s made of a special material that doesn’t tear, so it will last so much longer.
Check it Out!
3. A Christmas Gift to Help Your Husband Sleep
We spend 1/3 of our lives sleeping, but often we scrimp on bedding. After all, nobody else sees it but us!
But good sleep, next to a good diet, is the largest component of good health.
So what about some gifts to help him sleep? Here are some ideas:
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Snuggle-Pedic Bamboo Shredded Memory Foam Pillow
Slumber Cloud’s Nacreous Pillow Cover takes ‘keeping your cool’ to a whole new level. When you’re hot it absorbs excess heat and stores it in patented Thermocules
. As you fall asleep and your body temperature drops, the Nacreous Pillow Cover releases stored heat to ensure that you feel “just right” all night.
Check it Out!
4. Christmas Gifts to Make Your Husband Comfortable
I’m passionate about shoes. I don’t mean pretty shoes, either. I mean quality shoes.
Few adults spend proper money on quality shoes, but if your guy is on his feet a lot, it helps his posture, his back, his knees, and so much more! Yet usually we look for the $40 pair at Payless. We don’t want to waste money, after all.
But quality shoes will often last for several years, and end up paying for themselves!
This Christmas, what about getting him some shoes that will make him feel like he’s in heaven?
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Rockport Rugged Bucks Waterproof Boot
Here’s a great walking boot that is waterproof and super comfortable, with great support. He’ll notice the difference!
Check it Out!
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Clark’s Unstructured Men’s Oxford
A dress shoe that will feel like a running shoe. So comfortable, with lambskin lining to prevent blisters and a special air circulation system to keep the feet cool.
Check it Out!
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If your golfer husband has never actually owned a pair of shoes specifically for golf, he’s in for a treat! With spikes on the bottom to prevent slipping and super comfortable soles, these will help him stay comfy all day–and even improve his game.
Check it Out!
5. A Christmas Gift That Gives All Year
I’m a big fan of subscription boxes–those services you sign up for and then every month you get a new surprise in the mail. The surprise doesn’t even need to be big; it’s fun just getting something! Here are two such subscription boxes that your man may love:
You set up the parameters of what types of underwear you want, from boxers to briefs to bikini cuts, what fabrics, anything–and then a new pair comes every month!
Check it Out!
Every month he gets a new barbecue rub, barbecue sauce, barbecue accessory, and lots of recipes and tips and tricks!
Check it Out!
A Christmas Gift to Enhance Your Couple Life
Let’s face it–many guys would just like you for Christmas in a Santa negligee. That’s really the best gift they can imagine.
And sometimes gifts that boost your marriage are the best gifts of all!
Why not give him what he really wants? I wrote this 31 day challenge to help couples enhance their sex life! Read 2-4 pages a night and do what it says. Learn to talk about sex, flirt more, spice things up–and keep the momentum going!
And I’ve got Christmas coupons you can print out and give him to go with the book, too.
Check it Out!
Don’t miss my Sexy Stocking Stuffers post! Tons of things to get his engine going and bring a smile to his face.
Want something to do together at night that doesn’t involve a screen? I’ve got a list of 26 awesome board games for two people that you can have fun with. From Exploding Kittens to 7 Wonders Duel to Wingspan, there’s sure to be something here that he will like!
7. The Gift of Technology: Gadgets He’s Always Wanted
Chances are your husband has a list of gadgets he’s envied, but he’s never purchased. Maybe something like this would thrill him:
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Kindles have come down so much in price now, and they make reading so easy. It’s not just books, either–you can read newspaper subscriptions and more on your Kindle. Awesome for guys who travel–and the battery lasts a long time.
Check it Out!
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This is the top of the line GoPro–with wifi capability to instantly upload, touchscreen display, and more! It’s waterproof and will withstand extreme temperatures. Mount it anywhere to capture snowmobiling, waterskiing, motorbiking, or more! Great for active guys.
Check it Out!
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Does he spend a lot of time commuting or traveling? Make life easier with a bluetooth headset that links with his phone. Just say who you want to call, and the headset does it for you! It’s all hands free.
Check it Out!
8. Christmas Gifts That Make Your Husband’s Life Easier
The real gift is the reduced stress and the reduced time! What does your husband stress over? What does he take time doing that seems really inefficient? Maybe one of these ideas will resonate:
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NeatReceipts Business Receipt Scanner
This is cool! It hooks up to your computer via a USB port, and you can scan all kinds of receipts easily. Then you can export them to Excel, Quicken, or anywhere! Run reports based on categories that the software automatically figures out. And now you always have them digitized. No more having to keep paper or enter all that info.
Check it Out!
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Wall Control Pegboard – Garage Storage
Does he have a hard time finding tools because they’re in a pile? Get him an easy way to organize his tools with this galvanized metal pegboard.
Check it Out!
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These are cool! Thermos sent me some free samples and they seriously work. The vacuum insulated 16 oz. beverage bottle keeps liquid hot for 12 hours and cold for 24 hours. The 40 oz. one keeps stuff hot for 24 whole hours! And the food jar (which comes with a folding spoon) keeps liquids hot for 7 hours and cold for 9. So if your guy is a trucker or a hunter or just plain brings his lunch to work a lot, here’s a way to save him money and give him convenience. He can take meals from home and they won’t get cold. No need for refrigeration, either!
Check it Out!
9. Christmas Gifts that Replace Singles of Something with a Big Set of Something
Here’s another way to pamper him–Maybe your husband has plenty of singles of something, but he doesn’t have a set of anything. Buy him a nice set, and then you can give away the singles! Some ideas to start the brainstorming:
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Craftsman 220 Piece Mechanics Tool Set with Case
Does your husband have all kinds of screwdrivers and wrenches lying around? Replace them all with this! 128 sockets, 41 screwdriver and nutdriver bits, 6 wrenches–all in one handy case.
Check it Out!
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Use it in the shower or out of the shower, this one item will replace all the razors and razor blades he’s got lying around. It’s precision based, so it modifies itself for difficult areas of the face. And it’s one of the most precise and best shavers around!
Check it Out!
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Henckels Super High Quality 16 Pc Knife Set
If your husband is the chef in the family he’ll appreciate good knives! Henckels is one of the best brands, and this set right now is over $200 off the regular price. Comes with all the major knives you need, plus a set of steak knives. If you’ve never used good knives before, you won’t believe the difference they make (this is the set I have!)
Check it Out!
Other ideas along these lines: A high quality drill set or other tools; high quality golf clubs; or throw out all of his underwear and buy him 10 awesome pairs that match!
10. Christmas Gifts for Your Husband that Are Super Manly and Kinda Heirloom
Want to help him feel fancy and manly at the same time? Try Christmas gifts for your hubby like these:
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Parker Stainless Steel Straight Edge Razor Shaving Kit
What’s sexier than a guy using a straight edge razor?
(This is what my son-in-law wants for Christmas!)
Check it Out!
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Cufflinks are the ultimate jewelry for men. They fancy everything up and give an air of elegance to any occasion. And they look awesome! If your husband has never owned a shirt with cufflinks, consider getting him one this Christmas!
Check it Out!
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Calvin Klein White Dress Shirt with French Cuffs
Get him a dressy white shirt with the special french cuffs (to use for cufflinks). And then next time you go out for dinner, or out to a wedding, he’ll look so put together!
Check it Out!
So there you go! 10 broad Christmas gift ideas for your husband! I know that every guy is unique, and so not all of these ideas will work for your guy. But I hope that I’ve at least given you some thinks to brainstorm about that can help you come up with the perfect Christmas gift for your husband this year!
Have any other great ideas for last minute shoppers? Leave them in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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December 14, 2020
Reader Question: Do I Have to Endure Terrible Gifts from My Husband This Christmas?
What do you do if your husband is absolutely terrible at buying Christmas presents?
Last year, a reader wrote in with this question about her husband who buys terrible gifts:
Do I keep enduring terrible Christmas/birthday/Valentine’s Day gifts for the rest of my life or is there something I can do about it? It sounds shallow, but giftgiving is a love language of mine and I work really hard to create and procure gifts that I think would bless my husband. I put time into it and thought and effort and love.
We’ve been married for 10 years and this year his valentines gift was the cheapest Valentine’s-themed stuffed animal he could pull off the shelf at Walmart. It’s absolutely not about the amount of money he spends, but about the amount of thought and care he puts into it.
We’ve had talks about it before and I always end up feeling like a jerk for bringing it up. But it seems like by now he should have listened. I’ve tried giving him hints, examples of what other people got, specific stores that he couldn’t go wrong buying from, etc. (All of those feel like huge compromises because I am wanting to feel loved by his act of giving a gift so when I pick it out myself it takes most of that away but at least shield me from some of the deeper disappointment.).
But he’s so pragmatic that he wants to check it off his list so he runs down to Walmart and grab stuff off the shelf… Mind you it’s been sitting in his car for two weeks so it’s not like it’s last minute because he forgot.
Anyway, it hurts every holiday and it doesn’t seem like anything I’ve tried as hoped. Any thoughts?
Great question!
When a husband routinely buys terrible presents, and you have let him know that this bothers you and he still does it, you have four possibilities of the cause:
A knowledge gap, where he truly doesn’t understand how important gifts are for you, and he truly doesn’t understand the toll that this is taking on you
A skills gap, where he has difficulty knowing where to shop, what to buy, or how to figure out what you want
A stress gap, where he is so overburdened that adding anything to the mix feels overwhelming and results in him feeling paralyzed, or he’s so scared of spending money that he struggles to know what to do
A character gap, where he knows that this is important, he has the time to go, but he just doesn’t care or he’s too lazy to do anything about it.
Here’s what often happens: We tend to assume that the problem is #4, but then our solutions treat the problem as if it’s #1 or #2. So the solutions that we tend to offer for the problem often don’t even match what we assume the problem to be!
So let’s think this through:
If he buys terrible presents out of a knowledge gap
When you’re relaxing over coffee, or taking a walk, or when you have some down time, ask him what makes him feel special and loved. And then tell him that what makes you feel special and loved is to know that he’s put thought into gifts. Explain how it makes you feel to get a great gift (and maybe tell him a story of one of the best gift experiences you’ve had), and then explain how it feels when you haven’t received a special gift.
Sometimes the knowledge gap isn’t about understanding how important presents are, but instead understanding what types of presents you’d like. I’ve got some tips below on how to give him suggestions, but it’s a good idea to set some basic ground rules. Do you want something expensive? If so, what price range is normal for each holiday? $100? $200? $1000? Would you rather have something that costs less, but is more meaningful, like something with sentimental value? Or would you rather have something that would pamper you that you would never buy yourself? Or is there a category of item that you absolutely love but you would never want as a gift? Clothing, for instance, can be a dangerous gift, because often people pick the wrong items for someone else. So be clear about what the parameters are, and he may do better.
If he buys terrible presents out of a skills gap
Maybe he honestly doesn’t know what you want, or doesn’t know how to shop properly for someone. Maybe shopping stresses him out completely. Maybe he’s on the autism spectrum and can’t figure out what sort of gift you’d want. If that’s the case, make it easy for him to do so.
Set up a wish list on Amazon.
Create a “note” in Evernote (or another app) that you share with him where you write down stores that you like anything from.
Give him the name of a sister/friend to call before he buys anything to run it by first.
If he uses a calendar app or a to-do app, even ask him to enter in that app two weeks before a gift is due that he needs to go shopping and check your wish list or check with your friend.
If he is on the autism spectrum, it may also be that you need to be at peace with the fact that he may not spontaneously think of amazing gifts for you, or surprise you out of the blue. This may be outside his wheelhouse. But he can still work with a list, and part of loving him is learning to be content with the effort that he does make.
If he buys terrible presents out of stress
Some guys truly want to buy great presents, but they’re so stressed at work or life that actually going out and buying something seems too much. And sometimes money worries paralyze them, as they want to buy you something amazing, but the mere thought of it sends worries about your credit card bill. If stress is the issue, then this is something you need to talk about outside of the gift giving scenario, because it’s not sustainable to live with that kind of stress. Perhaps he needs to change jobs, or you need to cut back on outside activities. Maybe you need to purge your life of toxic people.
Or if money is the problem, maybe you need to start budgeting together. Some men honestly want to buy their wives amazing things, and wives want amazing things, but the money just isn’t there. If the money isn’t there, then don’t be upset if the present is smaller. Budget now so that maybe next year it will be different! And the thrill of living within budget, and even saving something, can make up for not getting a huge gift you wanted.
But what if he buys terrible presents honestly out of a character issue?
And now we have our fourth category, which actually sounds like what our letter writer is dealing with: He’s just lazy, and he honestly doesn’t care. He knows this matters to her. He has the time to get her something. He has the money to get her something. He knows what she wants. But he just can’t be bothered to do it.
If this is the case, it’s quite likely that this is not the only area of your life where this is happening. It may show up most blatantly around holidays with gift giving, but chances are this is a recurring pattern in other areas of your life, too. What makes gift giving so blatant is that it’s something he’s supposed to do in secret, all by himself, for you. All of the other things that he’s supposed to do for the family you can partially do for him, or cover for him if he messes up, but on this one he’s all on his own. And when he’s on his own–he fails.
I can’t solve this big a problem in one post, but I will point you to two next steps. The first is to read these series that I’ve done on the blog:
Let’s Talk Emotional Labor and Mental Load. Last June I wrote about how women tend to carry the mental load and emotional labor for the family, and how this is exhausting and fundamentally unfair. If he can’t be bothered to buy decent gifts, this is very likely to be an issue in your marriage as well, and working through this series with him may help you have words to express the problem beyond just gifts.
The Iron Should Sharpen Iron Series: How marriage should make us better people. Marriage is supposed to help transform us, not enable selfishness. Often, though, we get into patterns of behaviour where one person’s selfishness grows and the other person covers for them. This series is based on much of the material in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, and you’ll find that book helpful, too!
Do You Have a Difficult Time Standing up to your Husband?
God wants us aiming for His will. That sometimes will mean that we need to confront our husbands when they’re doing something wrong.
Struggle with how to do that? Are boundaries a difficult concept for you? 9 Thoughts can help!
Take me to it!
And last but not least, I’d suggest seeing a licensed counselor.
If he is too lazy to get you a decent gift when you’ve asked, and he routinely doesn’t care about the things that you need, then talking to a third party is likely a good idea! It doesn’t mean your marriage is in trouble; it just means you have some things to work on, and it’s better to work on them early before they blow up.
Usually atrocious gift giving is NOT a character issue, but rather a combination of other things.
In your family of origin, gifts meant different things. You have different expectations on how much you should spend or how much work should go into this. You just have different values around gifts. And as you talk about it, it can usually get resolved–especially if you make it easy for him to find things that you do like.
And I hope that, with all the hubbub about gifts this year, that both of you, regardless of what’s under the tree, will be able to truthfully say that you are each other’s best gift.
What do you think? Have you gone through this in your marriage? What was your solution? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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December 11, 2020
What Happens When We Get Gender Stereotypes Wrong?
Yesterday we posted an important podcast about the idea that “men need respect and women need love”, and that these should be unconditional.
It’s blown up on Twitter, and I’ve had so much feedback it’s hard to keep track. But a few things have come out of the conversation that I think it’s important to point out.
First, if you didn’t listen to that podcast, please do. It’s an important one. It shows how the idea behind “Love & Respect” is based on two things: an incorrect reading of Ephesians 5:33 (they ignored the original Greek which implied the opposite of what they teach), and a poorly written survey question directed only at men. As someone on Twitter said, “you have to laugh or you’ll just cry.”
Listen to the podcast, or watch it on YouTube!
Okay, a few important things:
When we make gender generalizations, we can leave out at least half of couples
In Love & Respect, as I said yesterday, they base their “men need respect, women need love” on a survey where they only asked men, and 74% of those men chose respect.
We showed that other surveys have used the same question on women, and 65% ALSO prefer respect.
But let’s assume that that’s not the case. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt, the best case scenario, and assume that 74% of women would have chosen love.
74% is actually a very strong preference. In fact, it’s rare to get that strong a preference. So in that best case scenario, this would be a strong preference shown by both sides.
But let’s think through the math of that for a second.
If 74% of men prefer respect, and 74% of women prefer love, then how many marriages would we have where men prefer respect and women prefer love?
Well, if you remember the math you did in middle school talking about chance, you’d know that to figure out the chance of something, you multiple the chance of thing 1 by the chance of thing 2, and then you get the chance overall. So let’s multiply 74% by 74%. When you do that, you get 54.76%.
That means that IF their survey question properly measured men’s preference for respect (which we showed yesterday it likely didn’t), and IF women showed a similar preference for love (which we showed yesterday that they definitely don’t), then EVEN THEN this hypothesis only applies to 55% of couples.
This, my dear readers, is why we have to start questioning things in Christian books when we read them, especially around gender differences.
Christian marriage resources tend to differ from secular marriage resources mainly because Christian marriage resources stress gender stereotypes far more than other books do. And when you stress stereotypes, you often miss huge swaths of the population.
One of the things that we found in our survey of 20,000 women, for instance, is that it’s only in about 60% of marriages that he has the higher sex drive. In the rest, either she has the higher sex drive or they have equal sex drives. Yet most resources assume that he will have the higher sex drive, leaving high drive wives high and dry.
Or most resources assume that men are visually stimulated but women aren’t. Yet increasingly research is showing that women are neurologically just as visually stimulated as men–we’ve just been conditioned out of believing it.
It’s a big mess.
And this is why I believe that God’s desire for us is not that we be godly wives or godly husbands but that we be godly.
We need to stop focusing on stereotypes and start focusing on Jesus.
We’d all be better off.
And that’s really the focus of my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, which tries to approach marriage through the lens of “how can we look more like Christ, and encourage our husbands to look more like Christ, rather than just focus on gender?” We plant Jesus firmly in the centre, which is where He should be all along.
Are you GOOD or are you NICE?
Because the difference matters!
God calls us to be GOOD, yet too often we’re busy being nice. And sometimes, in marriage, that can actually cause problems to be even more entrenched.
What if there’s a better way?
Take me to it!
A few other interesting comments on yesterday’s podcast on Love & Respect and bad science:
One thing that claim also misses is that if someone loves you they will respect you. You can’t have love without respect. So it’s like saying, “men prefer apple pie over dessert, whereas women prefer dessert.” It doesn’t actually make sense.
Jennifer G.
I think it sends such a dangerous message to women, who, thinking (as this book and “study” imply) love and respect are mutually exclusive, will allow her husband to disrespect her as long as he “loves” (shows affection) her.
Hannah M.
I always HATED this saying growing up. It is so generalizing, defective, and sincerely offensive. At first, I merely accepted it at face value. And then when I began to think about it for myself and test it by Scripture, it just fell apart.
Izzy O.
Hi—as a survivor of a cult veiled and hidden within an evangel church, who has suffered a decade of cognitive dissonance due to being falsely taught and KNOWING that the truth was something else, I wanted to personally thank you for what you’re doing. Thank you.
R.U.
Thanks, everyone!
And let’s all do better!
Have there been gender stereotypes you’ve heard at church that have bothered you? I’m trying to get in the habit of not spreading them–though it is a difficult to habit to break. Let’s talk in the comments!
Other Posts in our Love and Respect Series:
A Review of Love and Respect: How the Book Gets Sex Horribly Wrong
Love and Respect: Why Unconditional Respect Can’t Work
The Ultimate Flaw in the Book Love and Respect: Jesus Isn’t at the Center
PODCAST: The Love and Respect Earthquake, Tidying Up, and More!
Your Stories of Women and Marriages Damaged from Love and Respect
Is It Okay if Christian Marriage Books are Just a Little Bit Harmful?
An Open Letter to Focus on the Family about Love & Respect and Emerson Eggerichs
PODCAST: Our Love & Respect Wrap Up
I’m Passing the Torch on Love & Respect. 10 Ways You Can Pick it Up
Plus our Resource Pages:
Summary Page of Issues in Love & Respect
Resources to let others know of your concerns about Love & Respect
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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PODCAST: Why Unconditional Respect Isn’t a Thing
Are wives called to unconditionally respect their husbands? Is unconditional respect a thing in marriage?
This week’s podcast is a little bit explosive–sort of like last week’s on stumbling blocks and causing men to sin!
We’re going to look at why the logical argument that unconditional respect and unconditional love are analagous fails; how the original Greek in Ephesians 5:33 does not point to unconditional respect; and how the original studies that said that “men need respect and women need love” are actually very flawed.
Are you ready? This podcast’s explosive! And actually kind of logical and common sense at the same time!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
And you can watch on YouTube as well!
Timeline of the Podcast:
0:40 An introduction to our discussion today
6:03 All about what that Ephesians passage ACTUALLY says: An interview with Dr. Cynthia Long Westfall
17:53 Keith unpacks grammar for all us regular people
20:48 Wait, there isn’t a command to women in the Ephesians passage?
24:50 One woman’s experience with the unconditional respect message in her marriage
32:04 What does the research say?: How do these books get their findings?
35:03 Rebecca makes psychometrics cool
38:58 Why the ‘validity’ in survey questions MATTERS
48:01 The HUGE problem in Christian Research
Main Segment: Is Unconditional Respect a Thing?
I started by reading out an update I did on Instagram about this:
Unconditional respect is not a thing.
Can we please stop talking about it?
Lately I have seen so many social media shares, podcasts, and pins about wives giving husbands unconditional respect.
But respect is EARNED. Now, we can always treat one another respectfully regardless of what they do–and we SHOULD do that. We should speak kindly but firmly. We shouldn’t be highly critical or mean.
But speaking respectfully is not the same as actually respecting someone–admiring them and looking up to them. You do not respect someone who is a child molester; who plays video games 12 hours a day and refuses to get a job; who gambles away a paycheck. Jesus did not respect the money changers or the Pharisees. He treated them, instead, as their actions warranted.
Love, on the other hand, is NOT earned by correct actions. Love is simply wanting the best for someone else, and thus love is not dependent on how someone else acts. And if someone acts badly? Then we can exercise Tough Love. We don’t lend the drug-addicted sister $500, if we know she will use it to buy drugs. We don’t let our 25-year-old continue to live in the basement if he won’t get a job.
But there is no equivalent for Tough Respect.
And THAT’S why unconditional respect is not a thing, while unconditional love is. Unconditional respect just ends up being a way to tell women that they cannot speak up if a husband is acting badly. This is not safe. This is not true. This is not biblical (see Abigail & Nabal or Ananias & Sapphira or Moses & Zipporah or Pilate & Pilate’s wife).
How about this? Let’s love each other, and let’s treat each other with respect. Let’s endeavour to be people who can be respected. Let’s spur one another on to love and good deeds. But let’s stop telling women they must unconditionally respect their husbands, even if their husbands act badly.
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Interview: Dr. Cynthia Long Westfall, Professor of Biblical Studies at McMaster Divinity College
Cynthia Westfall is a professor who maintains a special interest in Bible translation and serves as a member of the editorial board for the Common English Bible. She came on to talk about the translation of Ephesians 5:33, which we usually read like this:
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:33
In English, it looks like those are two parallel commands: Husbands love, and wives respect.
But in Greek, it’s not that simple. The conjunction “and” is not there. Instead there’s a word we’d pronounce “hina” which is a joining word that usually means something like, “in order to”. And the verb to wives is not a command; it’s a subjunctive.
It’s more like; Husbands love your wives, in order that wives may respect their husbands.
The very verse that is used to support unconditional respect for husbands is actually conditional!
So listen in as we talk about the implications for this, and what other things we might miss from the Ephesians 5 passage when we don’t know the Greek behind it.
Reader Comment; Unconditional Respect Didn’t Fix My Marriage
After I ran that instagram update, a woman wrote in saying,
Tonight I saw your post about unconditional respect because of your words about not respecting someone that plays video games 12 hours a day. That was my marriage. From the very beginning.
Needless to say, our marriage suffered greatly because I neglected and felt completely unloved. I was basically told I needed to respect his way of relaxing. Even though I carried the full financial burden and most of the housework (well all of it until I made him do things). When our marriage crumbled completely, I had a conversation with his mother who listed several things from the Love and Respect books (my ex’s parents were big fans of the book). Saying that I didn’t respect him, didn’t give him enough sex, nagged him, Etc.
This article just made it so clear that the way I felt wasnt wrong and that his actions were. Our relationship would have been so different if he could have put away the games and actually showed our relationship the respect it deserved. I think that’s the key- the relationship should be given respect. He didn’t respect our relationship and he didnt respect or love me so needless to say, he had an emotional affair and walked away. It just feels good to hear someone say that the hurtful stuff said to was wrong and that it wasn’t just me.
Keith and I answered her question, and then Rebecca joined me for:
What Does Research Say: Where Did “Men Need Respect and Women Need Love” Come From?
The idea that we need to give men unconditional respect entered the evangelical lexicon largely because of the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, which I have talked about at length (here’s the beginning of my Love & Respect series; here’s the Open Letter about Love & Respect that I wrote to Focus on the Family).
That book was based on two things:
Ephesians 5:33 (which we have already shown is far more nuanced than that)
And a survey of 400 men, conducted by Shaunti Feldhahn, and reported in her book For Women Only.
That’s really it.
In Love & Respect, Eggerichs leaves a long footnote crediting Shaunti Feldhahn’s survey for his stat that 74% of men prefer respect to love. So in the podcast we looked at what Feldhahn wrote about her survey in her book (and I’ll summarize):
She asked 400 men this question:
Think about what these two negative experiences would be like: to feel alone and unloved in the world OR to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. If you were forced to choose one, which would you prefer? Would you rather feel….? [Choose One Answer]
Alone and Unloved
Inadequate and Disrespected
74% of men chose alone and unloved; 26% chose inadequate and disrespected
What is important to know about this study on unconditional respect?
It included only 400 men
We can find no evidence that women were ever asked the same question. They used only the men’s answer to draw the conclusion that men need respect while women need love.
When other researchers have asked the same question of women, women overwhelmingly choose respect as well (in this study of 1200 women, a cohort three times as large as the initial survey, 65% chose respect)
The professional firm hired to help with the survey warned that this question was not measuring what she thought it was measuring
The pilot study conducted warned that this was not a good question
Feldhahn herself admits the last two things in her book.
This is actually quite devastating, and we go into why in the podcast. Please listen!
Let that sink in:
The evangelical world has jumped wholeheartedly onto the “men need unconditional respect just as women need unconditional love” bandwagon, based on one ambiguous question in a small survey asked only of men; and based on a plain reading of the English translation of a Bible verse, and not on the original Greek.
Church, we need to do better.
What would happen if, instead of creating doctrines about marriage based on sand, we simply taught what Jesus did:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.
A new command I give you: love one another, as I have loved you.
Spur one another on to love and good deeds!
Philippians 2:3-7; John 13:34; Hebrews 10:24
Things Mentioned in This Podcast:
The Great Sex Rescue, our book based on our survey of over 20,000 women, which you can preorder now! (And it helps us immensely if you do!)
Cynthia Long Westfall’s book Paul and Gender: Reclaiming the Apostle’s Vision for Men and Women in Christ
My Instagram account! (follow me please!)
The Psychology Today article with the details of asking the same respect question of women
What do you think? What can we do to change the conversation in the evangelical church about this? Let’s talk in the comments!
This is an important podcast that more people need to hear. Please share it by clicking the share buttons below, or by emailing it to three friends that you think would appreciate it!
Sheila Wray Gregoire
Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8
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