Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 38
February 22, 2021
Is Women’s Orgasm an Afterthought? A Look at What Men & Women Think
Yesterday was a super momentous day at the Gregoire household, because Keith and I (and Joanna!) finished The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and sent it off to the publisher! Yay!
We’ve been working on it since November, and technically it wasn’t due until March 1, but I didn’t want one book due the day before another book launches. And I wanted to enjoy this week leading up to the launch of The Great Sex Rescue. So we got it in early!
And I truly love it. Keith read it again last night all in one sitting and was really emotional. He kept saying, “If someone had given me this book when I was 22, our first years of marriage would have been so different.”
Today I want to share with you two of the graphs that we used in the book that show how much we prioritize a woman’s orgasm.Rebecca and I shared this in the research segment of the podcast on self-fulfilling prophecies and sex last week, but I thought you may like to see them.
First: Does the husband prioritize his wife’s pleasure?
When women orgasm at least half the time, they both overwhelmingly think that he prioritizes her pleasure. And that makes total sense!
But hold on a minute here. What happens when the wife orgasms less than half the time?
91% of men still think they prioritize their wife’s pleasure–as do 65% of women.
Now, I can see some scenarios where this may be true. They’re working on helping her reach orgasm, but she’s having trouble, and they don’t want to pressure her too much. They’re still learning. (And in that case, you really need to check out The Orgasm Course!).
But we have to ask: How much of a priority is something if she never achieves it? I wonder how many couples think her orgasm is simply unattainable, so if he spends some time trying to stimulate her, he’s done enough?
Again, I understand that some women have trouble reaching orgasm, and that sometimes it’s women who don’t want their husbands to do foreplay. But these are astoundingly high numbers that show that we don’t actually expect women to orgasm in many cases.
Okay, let’s ask another question: Does the husband do enough foreplay?
Again, we get a similar situation. When she orgasms, 94% of men think they do enough (which makes sense), although about 13% of women would still prefer more.
But when she doesn’t orgasm very frequently?
71% of men and 52% of women still think he does enough.
By which I have to ask: enough for what?
If I say that I’m saving money so that I have enough to buy a new car, I don’t say I’ve got “enough” if I’ve only saved half the price of a car.
So it makes me wonder: what are people aiming for? If they think they’ve done “enough” when she isn’t reaching orgasm, then it seems to me that orgasm is not the aim.
I wonder if many of us think orgasm is a “bonus”, or something that is rather unattainable.If we think that, can you see how it might create a self-fulfilling prophecy where orgasm doesn’t happen? If he puts in a little bit of work and nothing happens, then we figure that we’re broken. Maybe we just weren’t made for this. And we don’t know how to ask for a lot more foreplay. We don’t realize that men and women are made differently, and women may need twenty minutes of foreplay (or more) to reach orgasm, and that’s normal. We don’t realize that most women don’t reach orgasm through intercourse alone, and that other routes to her orgasm tend to be more reliable.
I’m not saying that she has to orgasm every time; but the reason that she doesn’t orgasm should never be that he doesn’t do enough foreplay; it should be that she doesn’t feel she’s in the mental space tonight, and so she doesn’t want to try for it. And that should not be a regular occurrence.
I know so many women on this blog are struggling with orgasm–and so many men want to give that experience to their wives.I don’t want to shame anyone or make them feel less than. But I do think our attitude towards women’s orgasm is part of the problem with why women don’t orgasm.
Women are capable of multiple orgasms. If anything, we’re more orgasmic than men. What would happen if, when we got married, we went in with that expectation? What would happen if couples focused first on figuring out her orgasm piece before they tried to figure out intercourse?
i just wonder how much of this struggle could be avoided if we started with a different attitude–and that’s what we’re hoping to do with The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex.
Today, I want people to think about this:
If she is not orgasming, you should not give him great marks for foreplay. That is something wrong. She needs to prioritize her own pleasure, and so does he. And guys? Even though a lot of women don’t seem to expect more, there’s still a significant gap between the number of men who think they do enough and the number of women who do.
So if your wife isn’t regularly reaching orgasm, ask her. Do you think I prioritize your pleasure? Do you think I do enough foreplay?And then get The Orgasm Course, and see where it leads you!
The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.
Tell Me More about It! I Need that Now! One of the things we really wanted to do in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex was to change the way that men talk about sex in evangelical circles, too. To make it less focused on what men need, and more focused on intimacy and mutuality.
I feel like all of my books right now are saying something different–that we actually are changing the evangelical conversation about sex. That makes me so excited! And our pre-orders for The Great Sex Rescue are going so well! Thank you. I’m excited to see what this week brings.
What do you think? Why do women say he does enough–even if they don’t reach orgasm? Why do men? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Orgasm Series:You Are Not Broken if Orgasm is ElusiveThe Orgasm Podcast 5 Things that Make it More Likely that She Will Reach OrgasmWhat Sex is Like for Women Who Don't OrgasmHow Do I Not Feel Self-Conscious about what it Takes to Reach Orgasm?10 Things Husbands Who Are Great Lovers DoFiguring out What's Holding You Back from OrgasmWhat to Say to Your Husband if He's a Selfish LoverThe Orgasm Course LaunchStart Your Engines Podcast: When your wife has difficulty with orgasm5 Ways Husbands Can Bridge the Orgasm GapWhy Don't My Orgasms Feel That Great?And don't forget to check out:31 Days to Great SexThe Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 5 Steps to Getting Over the “Obligation Sex” MessageFeb 16, 2021 | 21 Comments
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February 19, 2021
What if the Evangelical View of Sex is Priming Us for Sex Scandals & Abuse?
What was said about sex in those books was toxic.
Last weekend, I wrote a thread that blew up on Twitter, being seen by 1,000,000 people. I began it this way:
We're all bemoaning the celebrity Christian culture that led to the Ravi Zacharias & Carl Lentz (& so many more) sex & sexual abuse scandals.
— Sheila Gregoire--The Great Sex Rescue comes 03/02! (@sheilagregoire) February 13, 2021
But what if the problem is not just--or even mostly--celebrity culture?
What if it's the evangelical view of sex?
A thread.
I then shared some quotes from books, things like:
“Because of male hardwiring, men don’t naturally have that Christian view of sex.”
Every Heart Restored (part of the Every Man's Battle Series)“We find another reason for the prevalence of sexual sin among men. We got there naturally–simply by being male.”
Every Man's Battle Well, that thread got so big that Religion News Service asked me to expand on it and make it into an editorial.So this week I did. Here’s some more of it:
Repeatedly, God-given male sexuality and objectification of women are seen as one and the same. Tim LaHaye, in “The Act of Marriage,” echoes this: “Women must cultivate the problem of visual lust, whereas men almost universally must cope with the problem just because they are men.”
So if men can’t help it, what do these books propose is the solution?
Women! It is women who keep men from sinning. And it starts with understanding this is just how men are. “For Women Only” advises wives to “accept the struggle” their husbands have with lust. “Love & Respect” says: “If your husband feels you do not respect his struggle, his desire for you, and his maleness, he’ll pull back from you.”
In one of the most degrading choices of words ever made, “Every Man’s Battle” tells women: “Once he tells you he’s (quitting lust) cold turkey, be like a merciful vial of methadone for him.” Proving the metaphor was deliberate, the authors repeat it: “Your wife can be a methadone-like fix when your temperature is rising.” No talk of intimacy or dignity; she is simply a “methadone-like fix.”
Since male sexuality hinges on objectification of women, the best couples can hope for, apparently, is that he objectifies only one woman: the one he married. By getting his fill with his sanctioned option, he can withstand the more alluring ones.
Husbands don’t stop needing methadone when wives are physically unwell, either. In “Sheet Music,” Kevin Leman says that if a wife is bleeding heavily, recovering from childbirth or “simply not feeling her best,” she can help her husband out with a “hand job” if he’s “ready to climb the walls.” After talking about how difficult the wife’s period is on a husband trying to resist pornography, he adds oral sex to the mix, telling women, “faithfulness is a two-person job.”
"Is the Evangelical View of Sex at the Root of our Sex Scandals?"My Religion News Service Editorial
I go on to show how damaging this is to everyone, and also how books then go on to warn that if wives don’t meet husbands’ needs, the books then portray men as becoming predators:
“The Act of Marriage” describes a husband who raped his wife while she was “kicking and screaming” on their wedding night as “equally unhappy” as his rape victim. “His Needs, Her Needs” says, “He is pawing and grabbing because he needs something — very badly. … As one thirty-two-year-old executive put it, ‘I feel like a fool — like I’m begging her or even raping her.’”
“Every Heart Restored” recounts a woman saying, “Without foreplay, he raped me — if that can happen when you’re married.” But then the authors fail to clarify that, yes, rape is rape, even in marriage.
“Every Man’s Battle” presents masturbating in gym parking lots or to the sight of one’s sister-in-law sleeping as normal male behavior. In the same book, a youth group volunteer who was married with three kids rapes a 15-year-old girl and is portrayed sympathetically, since his lust overwhelmed him.
"Is the Evangelical View of Sex at the Root of our Sex Scandals?"My Religion News Service Editorial
And then please share it. They did me such an honour by letting me write, and I would love to write some columns for them on some of our findings from our surveys. If we show that our readers are engaged and will share, that becomes easier to ask for!
Plus we just have to get the word out there. it isn’t okay to talk about women like this, or sex like this. Or even men like this! This is so demeaning to men.
I have a spreadsheet of terrible quotes that I created so that we could write our book. It’s so sad to see them all in one place.
But I am feeling so encouraged as people tell me that I’m giving them permission and freedom to admit that this stuff is toxic! And The Great Sex Rescue will show you how sex was always meant to be–MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE. It is not only about his physical release, no matter what Emerson Eggerichs may say in Love & Respect.
Together, we can change the evangelical conversation about sex.I’m so glad that Religion News Service let me write this, and I want to leave you with the ending:
In the Old Testament, we read the heartbreaking story of Hagar. Used sexually by her master to bear a child, and then discarded when she becomes a liability, she is forced out into the desert with her son. God meets her there. And then she is given the honor of being the first one in Scripture to bestow a name upon God: “the God who sees me.”Whether a woman is alone in a desert, by a well in a Samaritan village or weeping while checking her husband’s browser history, God sees her. When will evangelicalism do the same?
"Is the Evangelical View of Sex at the Root of our Sex Scandals?"My Religion News Service Editorial
The Great Sex RescueLaunches March 2!
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
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Pre-Order Now Claim Your Pre-Order BonusDid you read it? What do you think? (But don’t tell me what the comments say over there! I’m afraid to look.)
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Is Sex a Need or a Drive?Feb 15, 2021 | 16 Comments
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February 18, 2021
PODCAST: Self-Fulfilling Prophecies and Sex
What happens when women are told: “If your husband is typical, he has a need you don’t have?”, as Love & Respect put it. Over and over again, in our evangelical resources, we’re told that women need affection while men need sex, and women don’t actually need that much.
If you hear that your whole life, and you’re a woman, well, should it be a surprise if we grow up believing that sex is not for us?
Today on the podcast we’re exploring self-fulfilling prophecies! And we share some brand new stats from The Great Sex Rescue, AND from our men’s survey which haven’t even been published yet. So you get a sneak peek behind the curtain!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, as always, you can watch it on YouTube!
Timeline of the Podcast0:55 “Men want sex, and women don’t!”
6:32 We’re creating a self-fulfilling prophecy!
8:40 Research: Do husbands prioritize their wives’ sexual pleasure?
15:00 Your pleasure isn’t selfish!
18:00 Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin shares the Orthodox Jewish way of seeing this topic differently
29:20 History presents women as sexual creatures too
30:20 Twitter thread on Ravi Zacharais
32:20 No, you’re NOT one misstep from sex-trafficing
37:38 The importance of cognitive dissonance with the Holy Spirit
41:25 RQ: “We didn’t even touch before our wedding day, and I’m having struggles seeing sex positively!”
49:00 Positive stories/book reviews
Rebecca and I read a TON of quotes from different books, and then look at the data on how this is affecting our expectations and our libido.
Guest: Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin gives the Jewish view of female libidoI invited Shlomo Slatkin, who runs The Marriage Restoration Project, to share the Jewish view of female libido, to show that even those who use the same Bible that we do do not automatically believe that her libido will be low, or that she won’t want sex.
Comment: Twitter Thread and men expecting to sin?Last weekend I had a Twitter thread go viral, and in it I was exploring how the way that Christians talk about sex contributes to the evangelical sex scandals and abuse scandals that are hitting the news. The evangelical conversation about sex is one that dehumanizes women and demeans men by implying that all men can’t help it. Or, as Every Heart Restored put it, “Men don’t naturally have that Christian view of sex.”
We're all bemoaning the celebrity Christian culture that led to the Ravi Zacharias & Carl Lentz (& so many more) sex & sexual abuse scandals.
— Sheila Gregoire--The Great Sex Rescue comes 03/02! (@sheilagregoire) February 13, 2021
But what if the problem is not just--or even mostly--celebrity culture?
What if it's the evangelical view of sex?
A thread.
Rebecca and I discussed how, when we make it sound normal that men will sin, then we create a situation where men don’t see sexual sin as strange.
We used the example of this tweet by Owen Strachan, who speaks a lot about Christian manhood and womanhood:
An unbeliever reads about an awful scandal and thinks, “That person is so awful! I hate people like that.”
— Owen Strachan (@ostrachan) February 12, 2021
A Christian reads about an awful scandal and thinks, “That could EASILY be me. God be merciful to me.”
The sin-levelling here is amazing. Yes, everyone sins. Yes, everyone falls short. But not everyone abuses and rapes. Jesus even distinguishes between different types of sin. If you hear about someone raping someone, and then you say, “that could be me,” then quite frankly–I don’t want to be anywhere near you. You have just told me that you are not a safe person.
Seriously, Christians need to stop saying stuff like this. It enables predatory behaviour.
Reader Question: My Background Makes it Hard to Enjoy SexFinally, we used this reader question to show a whole bunch of different self-fulfilling prophecies going on here and affecting sex. And, no, you’re not failing if you don’t reach orgasm simultaneously:
My husband and I just discovered your podcast and blog. We can’t get enough of your material…so thank you for your help!
I was molested as a young child by another female which brought about a lot of issues with sexuality and gender confusion. God has done a tremendous healing work in my heart and mind and I am much closer to the beautiful woman he has created me to be…there is still more work to be done in embracing my womanhood, sexuality, and body.
My husband and I met in an (very fundamentalist denomination), which we left almost a year ago. We did the iconic courtship where we were barely ever alone and we touched for the first time on our wedding rehearsal night when we held hands. Oh, if we could go back and do some things differently! So in a 24 hour period we went from not touching at all to having sex. And the resource we used for educating ourselves was the book, The Act of Marriage…Face Palm! With my history and that book…I have been wrecked pretty much our entire marriage.
I have felt like sex has been a duty and primarily for him to get his rocks off….which I know in my head is not the truth…for my sweet husband it is how he feels the closest to me and wants to express his deep love for me. But because I don’t feel much during sex and I can’t orgasm simultaneously, I have felt broken…like there is something wrong with me.
I have a super hard time just letting go and being fully present…I have trust and control issues 
But mostly I feel pretty numb except for clitoris stimulation…. and it takes sooo much time to reach orgasm which really isn’t practical because I have kids and I am tired enough as it is 
And another thing I am insecure about is the female ejaculation thing. Do you know much about this? It has happened for me numerous times, it’s messy ( which adds to the impracticality and inability to relax problems), and I don’t understand it…My husband doesn’t seem to mind and kind of seems impressed…but it grosses me out and I am always afraid it’s going to happen…and if I feel it coming I shut it down instinctually. Sorry, this might be too much information.
I really want us to have all that God has for us in our marriage because I want to be one of those super cute old couples But it seems like there is so much to overcome. Any light you can shed on these things will be greatly appreciated!
We ended with a bunch of happy stories, and some wonderful emails that have come in about how the blog and podcast have helped people! I know it’s been heavy for a couple of weeks, but the feedback I’ve been getting is amazing.
And I want to share with you one of the reviews that has come in for The Great Sex Rescue (you can read it early, too, if you preorder and send in your receipt! When you join the launch team, you get early access):
I have never heard sex in the context of a Christian marriage spoken about like this before. In pre-marriage counseling and couples small groups, I heard that sex is most important to your husband; it is your duty to be there for him. I felt like my pleasure was an after thought; that if I didn’t climax, it was okay because he needed that from me. I was afraid to refuse sex, for fear that he would cheat or view porn. All of this pressure really killed my libido. The Great Sex Rescue brings such a wave of needed validation: that my pleasure is just as important as his. Also hearing that my potential lack of attention is never an excuse for infidelity. The authors do a fantastic job affirming that sex is about mutually connecting with your spouse physically, emotionally, and spiritually; it is not a one way street for the husband’s pleasure. TGSR is a wonderful resource for husbands and wives to read separately or together. I love the periodic check ins that encourage the reader to pause and reflect on what they’ve just read. 10/10 for offering hope, healing, and encouragment to those who read it. Seriously, if the typical evangelical approach to sex and marriage doesn’t sit well with you, grab this book. You won’t regret it.
Goodreads Review Things Mentioned in This PodcastThe Great Sex Rescue–launches March 2, but you can preorder now!Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin’s Imago Marriage Counseling. You can schedule a free consultation now–or check out his retreats. My viral Twitter threadLast week’s article on how The Act of Marriage impacted meOur Libido Series The Great Sex RescueLaunches March 2! What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
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What do you think? Have we got self-fulfilling prophecies wrecking sex for couples? Which ones have affected you? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Healthy Sexuality SeriesLeading up to the release of The Great Sex Rescue on March 2, we'll be looking at one harmful teaching a week, and point to how we can talk about this better.
And we'll launch each new teaching in our podcasts! So these are the topics coming up:
The Gatekeeping Message: Boys will want to push your sexual boundaries, so girls are responsible for stopping boys from going too farThe All Men Struggle with Lust message: Why Every Man's Battle Backfires (January 28)Have Sex So He Won't Lust/Watch Porn: Why Women Aren't Methadone (February 4)The Obligation Sex Message: Turning Sex from a Knowing to an Owing Makes it Ugly (February 11)"He Has a Need You Don't Have": Why Talking about sex like it's only a man's need becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy (February 18)The Entitlement Message around Sex: Can't we just be nice? (February 25)And don't forget to pre-order The Great Sex Rescue! Send us your receipt and we'll send you pre-order bonuses!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Why I Drowned a Book in the Bathtub Before I Was MarriedFeb 12, 2021 | 62 Comments
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February 17, 2021
What if You’re Sabotaging Yourself with the “Duty Sex” Message?
I’m going to turn this post over to all of you today, because, quite frankly, I’m swamped.
I have a manuscript due in at the publishers at the end of the week (The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, woo hoo!), and I have The Great Sex Rescue launching March 2 (and the pre-orders are going great! Please pre-order! It really helps us, and it’s only $10.19 through Baker Books right now, with no shipping). I have several podcasts and media appearances booked everyday leading up to the launch too.
But of course, in the middle of all of this, I went the most viral I’ve ever gone on social media. I wrote a thread on Twitter last weekend about the horrible ways that all too many evangelical books talk about sex. You may have seen it, but if you haven’t, take a look! I’ll likely have more to say on this on Friday, so I’ll leave it there.
In our conversations this week about duty sex, though, a woman left a question in the comments that I think is something many of you will share and struggle with. So I’d like to throw the comment out to all of you today:
I somehow internalized this “duty sex” message even though I didn’t grow up super immersed in purity culture. My husband is super loving and mutual and doesn’t want one-sided sex and yet I still (after 10 years) struggle with this. Couple that with depression and fatigue, young kids, a low sex drive (on my end), and a very high sex drive (on his end) and the problem sometimes seems insurmountable.
The first step is at least opening your mind to a healthier way of thinking which you, Sheila, have helped with tremendously. But I get hopeless feeling like I’ll never be free from the guilt and obligation I feel to have sex even though my husband is not pressuring me.
I’m not really sure how to handle it because I very rarely desire sex until after we start foreplay but making the decision to start foreplay feels so mentally taxing and gives me anxiety because I fear my mind and body won’t respond once we start (even though 99% of the time it does). It’s like some crazy, exhausting mental game I play with myself…trying to convince myself that sex is for me too and that it is pleasurable and that I want it…but really the main thought in my mind is usually “it’s been _____ days and I know he wants it and I want to be a good and loving wife and really, I’m just doing it for him because I feel fine whether we do or we don’t”. And then it takes me forever to get into it because I am thinking too much about why I’m doing it and if I will get aroused and how I kinda just want to sleep. It feels impossible to get out of my head. Once we are in the midst of things, I am able to get out of my head and enjoy myself, but the lead up is sooooo difficult! Any thoughts on that??
Okay, everybody, I know she’s not alone!
So will you all do me a favor today and help her? I’ve really got to get on with editing the book, but I’d love to see your responses!
Oh, and of course, pre-order The Great Sex Rescue! And then send in your receipt for all the pre-order bonuses (the instructions are at the bottom of the page on the link). We’ve got 500 people in our launch team group, and I’m thrilled! Always open for more!
The Great Sex RescueLaunches March 2! What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
Time to Pre-OrderDay(s)
:
Hour(s)
:
Minute(s)
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Pre-Order Now Claim Your Pre-Order BonusSo let us know–how do you silence those terrible voices in your head that are telling you you’re just doing this because he wants it? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The Duty Sex Isn’t Sexy PodcastFeb 11, 2021 | 30 Comments
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February 16, 2021
5 Steps to Getting Over the “Obligation Sex” Message
We’re in the middle of our debunking series on the blog, and every week we’re debunking a different teaching that’s been prevalent in evangelical circles that has hurt sex, leading up to the release of our new book The Great Sex Rescue.
Last week, starting with the podcast, we looked at the “obligation sex” message, the idea that a woman must give her husband sex when he wants it, and can’t refuse. In our survey of 20,000 women for our book The Great Sex Rescue, this was the belief that we found had the worst outcomes. And it’s very prevalent; 40% of Christian women report believing it before they were married.
On Friday I talked about how that message impacted me–and I was a textbook case, according to what we found. It messed up sex for me, and even contributed to vaginismus.
One of the worst things about the duty sex message is that it changes the very nature of sex
Instead of sex being about a joining of two people for the purpose of mutual passion, fun, and intimacy, it becomes an entitlement to one and an obligation from the other. And if it’s an entitlement, then it can’t be a mutual, passionate, sharing. In fact, it can’t be mutual at all, because by turning it into an obligation, you’re saying that only one person’s needs matter. One person “needs” sex, and that means the other must provide it. So it’s no longer something entered into willingly.
That turns sex into something impersonal, or even dehumanizing. I don’t matter, only you do.
But when you have grown up hearing that it is a sin to say no; that if you say no he won’t feel loved; or that if you say no he’ll have an affair or watch porn and it will be your fault–well, then it’s very hard to resist that message.One woman in our focus group told us a funny story about the obligation sex message:
A friend of mine married, and within a few years was really perturbed because her husband never initiated sex. She worked really hard to get herself in the mood, and initiated every 3 days, like clockwork. He would go along, but he was never that enthusiastic.
One night in frustration everything came spilling out of her. “Why don’t you ever take the lead?”
He replied, “I’m just trying to keep up to you!”
That led to a rather interesting discussion. It turns out that she was initiating every 72 hours because that’s what she had been taught that men need, and so she was trying to do her duty so he wouldn’t sin or be tempted. He had no idea that she had ever been taught this, or that this was her motivation.
When he told her, he was flabbergasted, and assured her that he did not need sex every 72 hours, and he certainly wasn’t going to watch porn if they didn’t have sex enough.
So she stopped initiating when she felt like she “had” to, and they both decided to initiate when they wanted to. Since then, they’ve settled into a pattern of about once a week, and they’re both very happy.
She had been initiating out of duty and fear, and it hadn’t led to a great sex life.
But her husband was a good guy, and they were able to work this through quite well! With the duty gone, their sex life blossomed.
That’s a good outcome. But for many of us, it’s not that simple, because we’ve believed so long that he needs sex and we can’t say no that to stop sex or to not initiate would invoke almost panic. So let’s look at some steps to help you overcome obligation sex:
1. Make sure you’re safeMost guys are good guys and would never want their wives having sex just out of duty.
However, most is not all. If you feel that not having sex whenever he wants it would cause him to treat you badly or treat the children badly, or would result in other negative outcomes, then you should likely seek help, at least from a licensed counselor, and even from a domestic abuse hotline. Even if you aren’t sure if you are being abused, if you call, they’ll be able to ask questions and walk you through.
2. Talk to him about the obligation sex message, where it came from, and what it’s doing to youSo many of the women in our focus groups reported that when they talked to their husbands about this, their husbands were flabbergasted. They had known for years that she wasn’t really into sex, but could never figure out why. But they didn’t want “duty sex”. They only wanted sex when she was fully into it. And when they heard that this is what she was feeling, they wanted to show her that she never, ever needed to feel that way.
And that changed everything.
It could be, though, that your husband isn’t happy about this. In that case, I’d read the obligation sex chapters in The Great Sex Rescue with him, because I think they’ll help explain what you’re going through and the effect that it is having on you (lower libido; lower orgasm rates; lower rates of arousal; less marital satisfaction, etc.) Say that you want to be freed from this so that you can both experience real passion.
The Great Sex RescueLaunches March 2! What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
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Pre-Order Now Claim Your Pre-Order Bonus 3. Take a sex hiatusFor someone who has been having sex every few days, or even everyday, for years, this can be scary. But in order to break the fear that “if I don’t have sex something bad will happen”, you need to let a significant amount of time go by without sex so that you can see that the sky won’t fall; your husband won’t become a porn addict or a terrible person; you can still love each other.
(Now, if your husband WOULD watch porn or treat you badly, please call a licensed counselor and get some help, because this isn’t okay.)
What does a hiatus look like? Take sex entirely off the table for a period of time, like a few weeks or a month, to grow the relationship, have fun together outside the bedroom, to show reassure yourself that sex is not what’s holding you together. Alternatively, and especially if you’ve had trouble with orgasm, make your orgasm the focus for a few weeks, rather than his. This can free you from rushing through foreplay because you’re feeling guilty and you know he wants to get on to the “main event”.
4. Give yourself permission to stop at any pointSeveral large studies have shown that one of the key ingredients in a woman being able to reach orgasm is feeling like she can speak up in the middle of a sexual encounter and ask for what she wants.
However, most women don’t feel that way. Take this example from The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller, which shows what most couples consider normal (and which he doesn’t try to correct):
“If I asked her, ‘How was that?’,” and she said, ‘It just hurt,’ I felt devastated, and she did too.
Tim KellerThe Meaning of Marriage
In context, they were talking about how trying for her orgasm was too much pressure, so they decided to stop trying. But I found this anecdote really sad. He was only asking her how it felt AFTER the encounter, not during. And she was enduring pain without speaking up!
That’s the obligation sex message. That’s what it does. It tells us that once we start sex, he can’t stop and he needs to finish, so we just hope that we can feel some pleasure, but if we can’t, we need to just lie there until he’s done.
Well, the biggest breakthrough for getting over the obligation sex message, and allowing yourself to feel pleasure, came, according to our focus group participants, when they allowed themselves to speak up in the middle of sex if it wasn’t feeling good, or if they needed a different angle, more pressure, or even just more blankets!
Not just that–sometimes she just wanted to stop. She started, and it seemed like she’d enjoy herself, but then partway through she’d realize it just isn’t feeling good. Having the ability to stop was what helped Sandra, one of the women whose story we told in The Great Sex Rescue, finally start to heal from longstanding vaginismus and find her own libido.
5. Practice paying attention to your own bodyOne last thing–often the obligation sex message goes hand in hand with the idea that he needs sex in a way that you don’t, and that sex is primarily about his pleasure. You have to grab pleasure if you can, but if your timeline doesn’t work with his, then you just need to live with it.
So you could be doing foreplay, but you worry that you’re taking too long and he’s getting impatient, so you say, “It’s okay, let’s just start,” and you forego your own pleasure.
Again, that’s obligation. That’s having sex pretty much entirely for him, allowing yourself to be an afterthought.
And most guys honestly don’t want that.
The only way to stop doing this, though, is to stop thinking about what he’s feeling and allow yourself to value what you’re feeling. Don’t worry if it’s taking too long; just pay attention to your body and what wants to be touched. When you’re having intercourse, pay attention to what feels good. If it would feel better at a different angle, tempo, depth, anything–notice that and speak up. When you allow yourself to focus on your own body rather than his, then this idea that sex is only for him can start to dissipate.
But isn’t all of this letting her be selfish with sex, rather than him?Actually, no. Sex is meant to be mutual. When she is having sex only for him, and when we have a 47 point orgasm gap (in that 95% of men reach orgasm almost always or always, while only 48% of women do), then we need to right the balance. That will feel selfish, because we’re so used to sex being slanted in his direction. But what most guys really want, too, is for their wives to be able to let go and feel passion. And you will never, ever be able to do that if you see sex as an obligation.
Also, the obligation sex message has terrible repercussions on her sexual satisfaction. If he loves you and wants you to enjoy sex, too, then he should see that this message has to go, and you need to matter, too.
If you’re really struggling with this, two resources will help.
First, The Great Sex Rescue helps you to see how the obligation sex message got so internalized that we all seem to believe it. Then The Orgasm Course helps you work through letting go of this message and learning how to allow yourself to feel pleasure.
What do you think? Have you ever overcome the obligation sex message? If so, how? Or are you still stuck in it? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Obligation Sex Debunking PostsSome posts that have also dealt with obligation sex and coercion
The Duty Sex Isn't Sexy Podcast10 Times You're Allowed to Say No to SexObligation Sex, Consent, and Marital Rape PodcastYes, There Can Be Rape in MarriageThe Body Keeps the Score: How Obligation Sex Affects PainThe Book I Drowned in the BathtubIs Sex a Need or a Drive?5 Steps to Get Over the Obligation Sex MessageAnd check out The Great Sex Rescue--with two chapters looking at where the obligation sex message has been taught, what our survey of 20,000 women told us about how it affected us, and what we should teach instead.
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 10 Tips for Praying with Your SpouseFeb 10, 2021 | 10 Comments
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February 15, 2021
Is Sex a Need or a Drive?
Happy Monday, everyone! Hope you all had a good weekend and a lovely Valentine’s Day.
I’m in the final crunch to get the manuscript for The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex in at the publisher, and then The Great Sex Rescue launches in two weeks (yay!), so I don’t think I’ve relaxed for a while, and this weekend was no exception.
One thing that kept going around in my mind, that fits into our discussion about the obligation sex message that we started last Thursday on the podcast, was that our framing of sex may be part of the problem.
What does it mean when we call sex a need?When you say something is a need, you mean that they can’t exist in a healthy way without it. But does that phrasing cause a problem? I think it does, and let’s look at a few reasons.
Not all needs are equalAnyone who has ever taken Psychology 101 will be aware of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pyramid. On the bottom are things like food and shelter and clothing, and then further up there’s social needs, like relationships and sex, and then you have your needs for actualization and purpose.
Basically, you don’t care about the further up needs until the more basic ones are met. So your need for actualization is not going to register when you’re starving. Your need for sex won’t register when you’re running from a bear.
When we call sex a need, though, people don’t tend to picture Maslow’s Pyramid and think to themselves, “well, sure, that’s a need, but there are greater ones, so it’s okay if I tend to my greater ones first.”
No, when we call something a “need”, we tend to put it on the same level as the other things that we know we need–food, shelter, etc. And the “need” for sex is simply not analogous to many other things we truly need.
Calling sex a need changes the nature of sexWhen we say that sex is a need, what are we really saying the ultimate need is? In our Christian literature, it tends to be about physical release. The book Power of a Praying Wife, for instance, says:
But for a husband, sex is pure need. His eyes, ears, brain and emotions get clouded if he doesn’t have that release.
Power of a Praying WifeThis is quite similar to Emerson Eggerichs in Love & Respect–“if your husband is typical, he has a need you don’t have.” And that need? Again, physical release.
But is the main need for sex physical release? Is sex primarily about physical release?
I think physical release is a huge part of it, and I do think orgasm is important–for both! We should not have a 47 point orgasm gap between the genders, and if orgasm is a problem for you, check out The Orgasm Course.
The real point of sex, though, is intimacy. Sex is about a deep longing to be totally connected in every way–physically, emotionally, and spiritually–all at the same time. That’s the way it was designed. That’s the way it’s talked about in Scripture. And sex is supposed to be mutual.
So when we make sex about a husband’s physical release, we diminish the purpose of sex and what it is supposed to be.
There’s a difference between how we think about needs and desires.One of the things I criticized about the book Love & Respect was the subtitle–the love she most desires; the respect he desperately needs. From the get-go, Eggerichs is saying that she has desires, but he has needs.
Now, needs take precedence over desires, don’t they? Because when it’s a need, we think of it in a certain way. We think: “they can’t function without this. They can’t help how they act without this.” Whereas when we think desires, we think, “this is her preference. This is what she’d like.” But you can still function well even if you don’t get what you want! That’s what we’re always teaching children, after all.
When we say that someone has a need, we also say something implicit about that. We say–therefore, someone must fulfill that need.If someone has a genuine need, then whoever is in place to fulfill that need should do it.
When we phrase sex as a need, then, we turn sex in marriage into an obligation. And as we discussed on the podcast last week, that has terrible repercussions for a couple’s sex life.
But what if someone really wants sex and can’t function well without it? Is that bad or wrong?No, I don’t think so. I just think we need better language for it.
I think we should talk about sex as a desire or a drive. Some people have a higher felt desire or higher felt drive for sex–and that’s totally healthy and okay. But when we recognize that it’s a desire or drive, then we also recognize that the responsibility for that desire or drive rests on our shoulders. We need to act responsibly with that. That means that we need to treat our spouse well, woo our spouse, honor our spouse.
And we need to realize that not every urge for sex is a need. I want chocolate chip cookies a lot, but I don’t eat them every time I want them. A desire for food is necessary and healthy; a desire for chips every time I’m hungry is not. Gluttony is a thing with food, and sexual gluttony can be a thing too. But when we say “sexual needs”, we imply that every time someone has a sexual urge, that represents something that must be fulfilled. That leads to a lot of frustration. I have had so many women comment here and on Facebook and send me emails since I started talking about the methadone podcast (how sex keeps him from watching porn) and the obligation sex message telling me that their husbands need sex multiple times a day.
That’s not a need. That’s selfishness and gluttony.
Here’s how I think we should talk about it:
Sex is a necessary component of a healthy marriage.
Absolutely. A healthy marriage will have a healthy sex life at the heart of it. Sex should be something you both desire, that you both enjoy, that you both prioritize. Ideally, sex should be quite frequent (studies show at least once a week, and several times is even better, if you both enjoy it and if you can swing it due to your stage in life). But at the same time,
A healthy marriage is a necessary component of sex.
Sex on its own can’t create a healthy marriage. We have to focus on the other aspects of the marriage as well. And that means that your spouse matters. Your spouse has dignity and honor and should be treated that way. Your sex drive does not supersede his or her need for sleep, or for rest.
I’m all for great sex. But I think we’d do better to recognize sex as a strong desire, not a need.Marriage needs a sexual relationship, but not every sexual urge needs to be fulfilled.
That puts the responsibility back on the person having the sexual urge, rather than telling them they can’t help it, they need release–which puts the responsibility on the spouse and excuses the one with the “need” of bad behaviour.
Our survey of 20,000 women found that the obligation sex message just doesn’t work. It lowers libido and orgasm rates and causes sexual pain to skyrocket. And you can read all about that in The Great Sex Rescue! And when we talk about sexual needs, we give the obligation sex message. We just do.
How about we talk about sexual desires, which need to be negotiated and compromised and honored just like all other desires in a marriage? Your spouse’s sexual desires and drive is important. If you love your spouse, you should care about something that they really want, and you should want it, too–especially since sex is really the drive for intimacy. But in caring about it, there’s always the recognition that BOTH of you still matter. Wouldn’t that be healthier?
And when we talk about it like that–I bet more women’s libidos would return as well!
The Great Sex RescueLaunches March 2!
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
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What do you think? Can we encourage couples to prioritize sex if we DON’T call it a need? Is calling it a drive more accurate? Let’s talk!
The Obligation Sex Debunking PostsSome posts that have also dealt with obligation sex and coercion
The Duty Sex Isn't Sexy Podcast10 Times You're Allowed to Say No to SexObligation Sex, Consent, and Marital Rape PodcastYes, There Can Be Rape in MarriageThe Body Keeps the Score: How Obligation Sex Affects PainThe Book I Drowned in the BathtubIs Sex a Need or a Drive?And check out The Great Sex Rescue--with two chapters looking at where the obligation sex message has been taught, what our survey of 20,000 women told us about how it affected us, and what we should teach instead.
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 10 Tips for Praying with Your SpouseFeb 10, 2021 | 10 Comments
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February 12, 2021
Why I Drowned a Book in the Bathtub Before I Was Married
I shared a bit on the podcast yesterday, but I’d like to expand on it some.
The book that messed up our sex life–and caused tremendous damage to our marriage.I’d like to tell you a story that starts in the fall of 1991. I talked about part of this story in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–but I talked about these things as two separate issues. It wasn’t until we did our survey of 20,000 women last year that I had a lightbulb moment in my head, and I understood something really important about myself. So much made sense.
So, yes, doing the survey was healing for me, too!
But I’m getting ahead of myself, and I’d like to begin at the beginning.
In the fall of 1991, Keith and I were about two months away from getting married.I was counting down the days to the wedding–but mostly because I was looking forward to the wedding night. We were both virgins, but we were both having a hard time keeping our hands off of each other. I had rather graphic dreams of what I wanted to do on that wedding night. I was definitely looking forward to sex, and everything about it.
Us when we were dating
Then someone from our church gave me a book–The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverley LaHaye. Written in 1976, it had become the “go to” sex education book for evangelicals, and everyone read it in those days before their wedding.
I was excited about sex, and eager to learn what it would be like, so I did what I always did in those days when it came to books: I filled up my bathtub, climbed in, and got reading.
It wasn’t too far in that I started to get an uncomfortable feeling. I don’t remember much about what the book said. I don’t even remember how far I got. I just remember the phrase that kept going through my head, over and over again: “No one has a right to touch me if I don’t want them to.”
Why that phrase? Two reasons.
The book said that a woman was not allowed to say no to sex with her husband. This was a deep need he had, and you weren’t allowed to deprive him.Now remember, I was looking forward to sex! I was actually expecting to have sex every night. I was not someone who was thinking, “I’m never going to want it.” But as soon as the book said that I couldn’t say no, sex changed to me. In fact, I felt my body physically change, and stiffen up. It was like it was saying, “sex is no longer about you. It isn’t about you guys enjoying being together, or having fun together. This is something you owe him.”
As soon as sex is something you owe somebody, then it isn’t intimate anymore. It isn’t something that binds you together, because if you owe it, then you become irrelevant. You don’t matter.
Now the second reason. As I was reading, the book started talking about what you should do on your wedding night to achieve orgasm the first time out. It gave very explicit instructions on what he was supposed to do, and what exactly I was to let him do: he would touch here for so many minutes, and flick here, and rub there 237 times or whatever. And I just froze. Absolutely froze.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want Keith to touch me there. It was that I wanted it to flow out of something that we were doing because we were excited! The author honestly was making it sound like a Pap smear. I lie there, and Keith touches me, whether or not I want him to. Once you’re married, you don’t have a choice.
Around this time I couldn’t take it anymore. I was about 2/3 of the way through, and I held that book under the water until I was sure it was dead, and then i plopped it into the garbage can, and got out of the bath.
Now let’s fast forward 21 years, and I’m writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.One of the impetuses for me writing that book was how awful I had felt reading The Act of Marriage. I wanted to know, “did that book hurt other women? Did anyone else have a horrible honeymoon, or was it just me?” (I’ll get to my own honeymoon in a minute; I know I’m telling this out of order, but it’s for a reason).
So I did a survey of 2000 women when I was writing that book, and I learned that most women did not enjoy sex on their honeymoons. I wasn’t alone!
Then, when I was writing the book, I deliberately did NOT give step-by-step instructions. I didn’t want women to feel violated. Instead, I told women the important thing was to relax and do what felt comfortable. Allow your body to take the lead. Don’t push yourself. And if you can’t have sex right away, just get comfortable with each other. This is the start of the journey together; you don’t have to get to the finish line the first time out.
I have gotten so much feedback since that many women really appreciated that.
God made sex to be AWESOME! It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
Check out The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!Interestingly, the publisher at the time asked a big name marriage author to endorse the book, and he said no, because I didn’t give step-by-step instructions, and women LOVE and NEED step-by-step instructions. I thought that was kind of funny.
in my Girl Talk, my sex talk that I give in churches, I always made a bit of a joke out of the instructions in that book, and how they messed me up. I didn’t mention the title of the book (though many women guessed!), but I said that for many women, these instructions seem intrusive. And what we need instead is to learn to relax, feel comfortable, and figure out what our own bodies need and want.
I believe in telling couples about the types of things that women tend to like, and when in the sexual response cycle they tend to like them, but never ever give a paint-by-number, because it feels forced. And no woman wants to feel forced to do anything.
For 29 years, that was pretty much all I thought about The Act of Marriage: It was a bad book; it made me scared of my honeymoon; I tried to do the exact opposite in my own sex advice.
Then we surveyed 20,000 women–and suddenly another big part of our life made sense.When Keith and I got back to our apartment after our wedding reception, we were greeted, as I have also shared in my books, with a terrible case of vaginismus. Sex was exceedingly painful. We did eventually manage to consummate, but every time we tried it hurt.
In those days we didn’t know about pelvic floor physiotherapists, and I was taken instead to a gynecologist who specialized in sexual pain. This man in his 60s, with a beard and white hair, told me that this was most likely caused by me repressing my sexuality and being scared and ashamed of sex. What I needed to do was to embrace my body, and so he would put me in stirrups, hold a mirror, and touch all the parts of my genitals and name them while I could look, and this would help me get in touch with my body.
I literally ran from the room.
I couldn’t handle it. I just couldn’t.
And I felt so guilty about it and so much shame. I was rejecting the only treatment that was being offered to me. I figured maybe I really was sexually repressed and didn’t realize it–even though, as I have said, I had definitely been looking forward to sex in every way. I figured I was a terribly selfish person, and I was depriving my husband, and I was broken.
I started to see a counselor who tried to get to the bottom of my sexual shame. Did I have abuse in my past that I was repressing? I tried so hard to conjure up memories of abuse, but nothing was coming. But we went over and over all the different reasons why my body was rejecting Keith.
What no one ever told us was that it would be a good idea to stop trying to have sex while we sorted this out.No, instead everybody had tremendous sympathy for Keith. We had to fix me because Keith needed sex. I could not be broken because he could only feel love if we had sex (that’s what The Act of Marriage told me, too). So I muscled through, despite the pain. And everyone kept trying to figure out why I was so broken.
Over the next few years I got better at managing the pain and learning how to relax.
And within five years the pain was pretty much gone, something I largely attribute both to childbirth and to learning to really trust Keith’s love for me, especially as we went through the grief of losing a son. We put that period of our life behind us, and as the years went on and I started doing this for a living, I could see how God was using that part of my story, because I understood what it was like to have trouble with sex. I understood what it was like to dread it. I could relate to women who were having problems.
But when our survey results came in, suddenly it was as if I had the missing puzzle piece that explained what had happened to me and why.I remember the day Joanna FaceTimed me and told me that the obligation sex message increased a woman’s chances of having vaginismus almost as much as prior abuse did.
When I got off the phone, for the first time in twenty years I had a flashback to that time in the bathtub, and that phrase that kept going through my head: “no one has the right to just touch me if I don’t want them to.”
I now believe that the obligation sex message I was given from The Act of Marriage was a contributing factor to my vaginismus, because it changed the way I saw sex.
I don’t think it caused the vaginismus on its own; vaginismus tends to be multi-faceted, and I had some other risk factors. I had done ballet a lot as a child, and often the way dancers hold their pelvises leads to higher incidences of this. And there are some other issues about how Christians tend to do wedding nights that perhaps I’ll write in more detail about later. But I do believe that the obligation sex message pushed me over the edge.
And for the first time in 29 years, I cried a bit for young Sheila, who should never have had to endure that. For young 21-year-old Sheila, sitting in that doctor’s office, who somehow had the courage to run out because she didn’t want someone else touching her without her permission. For young Sheila who was never told, “It’s okay for your needs to matter, too.” For young Sheila who was always looked at by the other older adults in her life–her mentors, her counselors, her doctors–with a little bit of panic, wondering what they were going to do with her, since she was broken and her husband would be suffering so much.
Me typing a paper in university.
Keith and I are great. We are rock solid.
But I so wish somebody back then had told me, “you matter, too.”I so wish somebody had told me, “you get to decide what someone else does to your body; you do not owe anyone anything.”
I think it would have made a difference.
And so, with Valentine’s Day coming up this weekend, I just want to reiterate what Andrew Bauman and I said in the podcast yesterday: you do not owe anyone anything.Sex isn’t something that can be owed. Sex is only something that can be freely given.
Our role in marriage is to work at our marriage, to work at our issues, to choose to love, so that we can be in a healthy place in every sense of the word so that freely giving is natural and easy. But let’s never get to the point where we think sex is a duty, because that’s a traumatic message. We will instinctively recoil from that.
Sex is a deep knowing. That means you both have to matter.
So this Valentine’s Day, if you’re in a good place, or a great place, or you’re on a good trajectory, I hope you have an awesome, sexy, fun time! If you want something to make it even more fun, pick up 31 Days to Great Sex and start the challenge, or pick up our 24 Sexy Dares! This is a great chance to get started.
But if you’re not in a good place, then maybe take the day to talk about why and figure out what your next steps are. Look at my series on emotional labor and mental load; or on how you change a marriage, if those are your issues. And if your issues revolve around sex, pre-order The Great Sex Rescue, because it debunks so many of these unhealthy teachings that have held us back and stolen something great from us, and helps us recognize what real biblical sex is!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
The Great Sex RescueLaunches March 2!
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
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I’m almost scared to ask for comments because this is about as personal as I’ve ever been on the blog! But how do we get over the obligation sex message? Let’s talk!
The Obligation Sex Debunking PostsSome posts that have also dealt with obligation sex and coercion
The Duty Sex Isn't Sexy Podcast10 Times You're Allowed to Say No to SexObligation Sex, Consent, and Marital Rape PodcastYes, There Can Be Rape in MarriageThe Body Keeps the Score: How Obligation Sex Affects PainThe Book I Drowned in the BathtubAnd check out The Great Sex Rescue--with two chapters looking at where the obligation sex message has been taught, what our survey of 20,000 women told us about how it affected us, and what we should teach instead.
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts With Porn, We Need More Than a Gospel of Sin AvoidanceFeb 8, 2021 | 9 Comments
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February 11, 2021
The Duty Sex Isn’t Sexy Podcast
In our survey of 20,000 women, the results of which are out in our new book The Great Sex Rescue, which launches March 2, a full 43% of Christian women report being taught this as they were growing up–and almost all of those women believed that before they were married.
What does this “obligation sex” message do to women’s sex lives? And is this an accurate picture of how God made sex–that one person owes sex to the other on demand?
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, of course, you can watch on YouTube!
Timeline of the Podcast
1:00 What does research say about the ‘Obligation Sex’ message?
7:35 The difference between biblical sex and duty sex
11:05 Why frequency isn’t the problem, and why we have authority of OUR OWN bodies
18:35 RQ: “Do I owe my husband Valentine’s Day sex?”, with guest Andrew Bauman
27:37 RQ: “My husband wants it TOO much!”, + a discussion on consent
35:50 Benjamin Young joins us for a grea discussion on consent and marriage
51:10 Join ‘The Great Sex Rescue’ launch team!
52:30 Sheila shares her personal story of how the obligation message hurt her
The idea that “a woman is obligated to give her husband sex whenever he wants it” has hurt sex and marriage. It causes orgasm rates to drop, but perhaps most importantly, it causes sexual pain rates to skyrocket (I talked about this before in my post on how The Body Keeps the Score). Our bodies actually interpret the obligation sex message as trauma.
In today’s podcast we explore why talking about sex as if it’s something that women owe men sets us up for terrible sex lives, and destroys intimacy.
If she can’t freely say no, she’ll never be able to freely say yes. And passion requires that she’s freely saying yes!
Our Guests: Andrew Bauman and Benjamin YoungWe talked with counselor Andrew Bauman, who has been on the podcast before, about why we shouldn’t talk about Valentine’s Day sex as something that she “owes” him just because he bought her flowers or took him to dinner (despite what some other blogs may say). And then I invited Benjamin Young on to talk about an epic Twitter thread where he was talking about consent!
My Story: The Act of Marriage & the Obligation Sex MessageAt the end of the podcast I shared how reading The Act of Marriage before my wedding really wrecked my honeymoon–and the first few years of my marriage. I never realized exactly how or why until we did the survey and we found so many women with almost identical stories. I had been so excited about sex until the obligation sex message changed everything for me. And that made the chances of vaginismus that much greater (so my own issues were hardly surprising).
Obviously I got to the other side, but I hope we can stop framing sex in this way, so that no other women have to go through what I did.
God made sex to be an intimate knowing between two people, which means that both people matter.Sex can never be something that one person owes another; sex should be an intimate, life-giving thing. In The Great Sex Rescue, we show how far too often sex has been depicted as something really ugly for women–and it shouldn’t be that way! We can do better.
(And we’re loving the reviews that are coming in from Goodreads from our launch team, who sent in their receipts so they could read it early!)
The Great Sex RescueLaunches March 2! What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
Time to Pre-OrderDay(s)
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Hour(s)
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Pre-Order Now Claim Your Pre-Order Bonus Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Andrew Bauman’s site, and his book The Sexually Healthy ManBenjamin Young’s Twitter Thread: and his ministry Guard the GiftPre-Order The Great Sex Rescue! (It launches March 2!)Our Previous Podcast on Marital Rape and Consent10 Times You’re Allowed to Say No to Sex
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts How I’m Personally Coping with the “You’re His Methadone” MessageFeb 5, 2021 | 57 Comments
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February 10, 2021
What is Appropriate Sexual Release?
We’re talking about orgasm this month, and it leads to a question: what is appropriate sexual release?
Like, are some orgasms bad, and others good?
In the comments a while ago, a reader asked this question:
My husband’s job requires him to be away from home for extended periods of time (as in one to four weeks). During this time he obviously still has needs and I know he often ‘takes things into his own hands’ (pardon the pun). He is open about this and I don’t feel this is a problem as I would rather him relieve the tension than put himself into greater temptation because of strong tensions that have not be relieved. Could this be a dangerous thing for our relationship? He is pretty open about this to me and I don’t feel that there is an addiction since I feel that our sex life is pretty normal in terms of frequency (although I know ‘normal’ is different for different couples). Just wondering your opinion in this area.
I get these kinds of questions a lot–is this appropriate sexual release?Is phone sex okay?It is okay to masturbate when he’s deployed (or she’s deployed)?Is oral sex okay?Is it okay if I reach orgasm in a way other than intercourse?Is it okay to use a vibrator?Is it okay to touch myself during intercourse to put me over the edge?Is it okay to watch porn together if we both agree?So I thought today we could go back to first principles about what sex is supposed to be.
God made sex to be exclusive, pleasurable, and intimate, where you both give to each other.And sex encompasses far more than just penis-in-vagina. Sex is any sexual activity that takes place in marriage, and includes touching yourself or each other.
How do we decide what’s appropriate in the bedroom, then?
We need to figure out if what we’re asking about fits into those categories. So let’s take them one by one.
Is this form of sexual release consistent with marriage’s exclusivity and faithfulness?We are to be the only sexual outlet for each other. God made sex to be relational–it is about you together, as a couple. It is not just physical. And that means that when we make sex into something that isn’t relational, then we’re changing the very nature of it.
If we invite a third person into our sex life, that’s damaging exclusivity. So porn use in marriage, even if you both agree, is very damaging.
I would also add, though, that having sex so that you aren’t tempted to lust, is, in a way, also inviting a third person in. It’s really saying, “I want to do X with someone else, and so I’ll use you as a substitute for that other person.”
I know this is a tricky one, but in our recent survey of 20,000 women, we found that the idea that men need to have sex so that they won’t lust after women is very detrimental to women’s sexuality. It decreases orgasm rates and libido, and decreases arousal and marital satisfaction. I know this is widely taught in evangelical circles, but as we’ll show in our upcoming book The Great Sex Rescue, it isn’t a good way to look at what Paul is really saying in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (about not depriving each other).
I don’t think this one is straightforward, because I do think that there are times when masturbation can be used to lessen physical frustration at a time when your spouse isn’t able to have sex (like if they’re struggling postpartum, or suffering from vaginismus, or grieving). But I do worry about this idea that he has to masturbate so that he won’t be tempted. If it were something they were to do together in some way perhaps? I don’t see that as a problem in the same way. But saying, “I’m not capable of remaining pure in my thought life when I’m away from you without sexual release, so I’m going to masturbate on my own” sounds problematic to me.
Orgasm should be something which is shared in marriage, and it shouldn’t be done in secret, or with nefarious motives. So if you’re away from each other for a long period of time, phone sex is healthier than saying, “He has to masturbate so he doesn’t lust after other women.” At least it’s a shared experience then! But keep it about YOU both. That’s how it stays exclusive.
You may also benefit from:Is masturbation in marriage okay?Revisiting masturbation in marriage (some follow-up thoughts)What does 1 Corinthians 7:5–Do Not Deprive Each Other–Really mean? (a 3-part series)Can the “Do Not Deprive” verses apply to women, too?Is this form of sexual release intimate?Does this make you feel close to each other? Does this enhance intimacy, or detract from it? If you’re doing something together that’s bringing you to orgasm, and you’re both enjoying it, I don’t think it matters a whole lot HOW it’s done. God made our whole bodies, and that’s wonderful.
However, masturbating when alone so that you don’t lust after someone else doesn’t seem to enhance intimacy (though talking to your spouse about how much you miss them sexually might. It’s all about the motivation).
Oral sex or other forms of bringing pleasure to each other MAY also enhance intimacy–although they don’t always. If you know that your spouse finds something degrading or uncomfortable, and you insist on it anyway, then it’s hurting intimacy, not enhancing it (see, for example, this post on what happens if you hate being touched in a certain way). If you demand sexual favors at a time when your spouse isn’t able to have intercourse, and ignore their own experience, then you are turning sex into something selfish rather than life-giving in your marriage.
You may also benefit from:Do I owe my husband sexual favors if I can’t have sex?Have we made sex into an entitlement?What if giving sexual favors, well, hurts?(podcast)Needing to degrade your spouse or humiliate your spouse in order to experience sexual release isn’t intimate, either. Sex should be something that honors you both, not where one needs to exert power or dominate the other to get turned on. That’s a distortion of intimacy.
Does this form of sexual release involve both of you giving to each other in some way?Sex should be about both of you giving! That means sometimes you may have sex “just for him”, where she does everything that he just loves, and he can surrender to the moment and feel wonderful without worrying about bringing her to orgasm. And then sometimes he’ll return the favor, and make it all about her.
It also means that when they are having sex regularly, BOTH people’s sexual pleasure is the aim. She isn’t left hanging (as we talked about last month, one of the big reasons women lose their libidos is that they aren’t reaching orgasm and sex does nothing for them). Godly sex is mutual sex, and she should be regularly reaching orgasm, too. If she’s not–you need to make sure to get The Orgasm Course when it launches at the end of the month!
I think the goal of mutuality, too, means that sex should be about each of you learning how to give the other pleasure, in a way that’s intimate and fun for both of you. That’s why, while I don’t think vibrators are wrong, and I certainly don’t think touching yourself during intercourse is wrong, I do worry that they can cement “shortcuts”, where he doesn’t feel he needs to take care of her or learn how her body works because there’s a fast way that she can do it herself.
Seriously–take the time to learn how her body works–even if it takes a lot of time! Work through 31 Days to Great Sex. Make it a big research project to figure out how to bring her pleasure. But she isn’t broken if she doesn’t reach orgasm easily. Wanting a shortcut isn’t a sin for sure, and I don’t think anyone should feel ashamed of it. But it also shouldn’t replace a husband being dedicated to figure out his wife’s sexual response cycle.
And finally, sex should be a giving, not a taking. Wanting sex in a way that endangers the other’s physical well-being, including sexual acts that may be harmful or painful, either emotionally or physically, is not being giving. It’s being selfish.
God wants sex to be amazing and passionate for us.I’ve spent most of this post talking about what you SHOULDN’T do, and when I started writing it, that wasn’t really my aim. So let me try to bring this back home.
God created sex to be wonderful, and passionate, and intimate, and exciting–and that is all good.
But it’s all too easy to make sex into something selfish. Just because you’re married does not mean that anything you now do is sanctioned.Are you giving to each other? Are you cherishing each other? Are you caring for each other? Is this something that is helping you grow together?
Sex should be all of that–and great sex IS all of that! Great sex brings you closer together, cements your relationship, takes you to heights you never knew possible!
But when we reduce sex to the merely physical, and when sex becomes focused on our own pleasure rather than our spouse’s, or focused on taking rather than giving, then orgasm is no longer an intimate, mutual thing, but rather a solitary, shallow thing.
So let’s work towards intimacy. Let’s grow our relationship in love and laughter and intimacy and fun.
And let’s not take from each other.
The marriage bed is just for the husband and wife together.
(Click here to tweet this quote)
Feeling sexually disconnected?
Like you've lost your groove?
Like you're on two different planets when it comes to sex in your marriage?
31 Days to Great Sex can help you talk through what's gone wrong and try some new things to figure out how to make it RIGHT!
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Again, I don’t think there’s any sin, once you’re married, in the actual act of masturbation. The marriage bed is pure, after all. The problem and danger comes from the secrecy of it, and the selfish nature of it. If it can be incorporated into your sex life at times, I do think it’s okay (though not optimal). But please be careful of too much reliance on it, because it can grow.
And remember: there’s nothing wrong with fasting from sex for a time! It can be a tool God uses to bring us closer to Him.
Now, these are my opinions; I don’t want to claim to speak for God. In my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I talk openly about a lot of issues like this, and I’ve wrestled with them and tried to come up with answers that I think reflect the whole of what Scripture says about the body and sex. But I’m not God. This is just the best I could do. So if you feel differently, or have a different slant on it, let me know in the comments!
Read the Do Not Deprive Series:
Do Not Deprive: Are Women the Ones More Likely to Be Deprived?
Why We Need a New Definition of Sex
10 Times It’s Okay to Say No to Sex
UPDATE: Please read the comments! They’re good, and I’ve elaborated more on my position on this!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 10 Tips for Praying with Your SpouseFeb 10, 2021 | 10 Comments
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10 Tips for Praying with Your Spouse
Many of us aren’t comfortable praying out loud, and so we’re not sure how to bring prayer into our marriage. In fact, I had a man email recently saying, “you have lots of articles on initiating sex, but how do I initiate prayer?”
Great question! Physical intimacy, after all, is wonderful, but spiritual intimacy is the glue that holds everything together. Couples who pray together feel closer in other ways, too.
Lately we’ve been talking about some pretty heavy stuff as we lead up to the release of The Great Sex Rescue. I’ve been attempting to dismantle some of the harmful teachings about sex and marriage that have messed sex up for many couples, so that we can find freedom instead.
I thought I’d turn the tide today and talk about something completely different that has helped me lately keep perspective, and that’s praying as a couple.
I’ve been trying some new things I’m excited about, so I thought today I’d revamp an older post with 10 ideas on praying as a couple. Prayer is intimidating, I think, because it’s vulnerable. You’re baring your soul before God, but you’re also baring it before your husband when you pray together. That’s what can make it awkward. We can’t really have pretentions. But that’s also what makes it intimate! So here goes.
Before I start talking about how to pray together, though, just one more thing: remember that praying doesn’t have to be a long, drawn out thing.In fact, sometimes “sentence prayers” are more effective, because when people feel awkward or nervous, understanding that it doesn’t have to be a big, flowery prayer can take the pressure off. So model this–just use a few sentences to start, and go back and forth. Even if it’s just a minute or two together, it helps remind you that there are THREE of you in this marriage (you, your spouse, and God), and God wants to be a part of it with you.
I also firmly believe that prayer is more likely to happen if it’s routine (it tends to happen at the same time everyday), if it’s for a specific purpose, and if it’s relatively easy to do.
So most of these suggestions may sound “trite” to people who already pray a lot. But remember: if prayer is already a big part of your life, you may not need these suggestions as much! Most people just need ideas to get going, so here are some that can help start your prayer life well.
1. Pray Over Your Children’s BedsBend over the baby’s crib at night and say a prayer for the baby, or stand over the older children’s beds once they’re asleep and before you go to bed. Just say to your husband (or wife), “I’d like if we prayed quickly for our kids at night. Will you come do that with me?”
2. Pray As You Part in the MorningHere’s another idea: ask your husband before you part in the morning, “Can I pray for your day today?” And go to the door with him and hold his hands and just pray a really quick prayer for him at work today. Then kiss him and say good bye. It doesn’t need to be a big thing (and if often is better if it isn’t!)
3. Think of New Ways to Say GraceGrace can get really old. And I firmly believe that there is nothing wrong with memorizing prayers, or saying pre-written ones, as long as you mean them. We have this idea that all prayer needs to be spontaneous, but some people have written beautiful prayers in the past that sum things up perfectly, and if your heart agrees, I think that’s fine. It can also be a lot less intimidating to people.
You can write out a number of graces onto cards, and put them in a “Grace” Bowl. Then have a different person pick a card and lead in grace each night.
Here’s a website with a few ideas, and the book Bless Us O Lord is also awesome!
4. Read Prayers at Other Times
What about reading a longer prayer after the dinner hour together? Again, if people are uncomfortable praying out loud, or aren’t used to it, reading a prayer can be freeing. I love Stormie Omartian’s Little Book of Powerful Prayers, but there are others. My family has used the Celtic Benediction (celtic prayers for morning and night) while we’ve been camping. But recently Joanna (one of my amazing co-authors) sent me the book Every Moment Holy. It has prayers for everything–when you’re going to work; when you’ve just bought a new home; when you’re setting up the Christmas tree; when you’re making your morning coffee. Even when you’re having a sick day! And it has prayers that couples can pray together at night, too.
It’s truly a beautiful book that can fit in a big purse if necessary.
I honestly love it. It’s helped me focus. I grew up in an evangelical tradition when reading prayers was seen as somehow “less than”, but I honestly find it far more meaningful, because the words are meaningful. So here are some ideas for you!
Check it out!
Check it out! 5. Pray for a Need Right ThenMy friend Holly told me this story recently.
I called my husband, asking for prayer for something stressful that happened, and he said, well can I pray over you right now? And it happened to be a time that I had my hands full with taking out the neighbor’s dogs and don’t have a hands’ free for my cell, so I asked if I could call him back in a few minutes. I did and he prayed. It helped so much!
If it feels like a good time to pray, then just offer to right then and there. If your husband is sharing a concern, just ask, “can I pray for you?” And put your hand on his shoulder and pray a quick but heartfelt prayer for God to intervene. If you get in the habit of doing it right then and there, then it becomes a more regular part of your day and a more regular part of your routine. And then it can feel more comfortable for him, too!
6. Pray During a ConflictThis one’s important! When you’re really mad at each other, before you start really discussing the issues, ask, “can we just pray together?” And then pray something like this:
God, we’re really angry now and we need you. Help us to find the win-win solution here. Let us both be open to what you have to say. Bring your peace to your children. Amen.
My husband’s really good at suggesting we do this (I’m often too angry!), and it’s amazing how much it helps to bring God in early.
7. Take His Hand First Thing in the Morning, While Lying in BedI like to say a quick prayer every morning as I wake up, “Lord, today I pray that I will glorify you in all I do. May you use me and help me to be a blessing to others.” It’s quite simple. You could take his hand and pray that, or ask, “can we say a prayer together in the morning? I’ll say a sentence, and you say a sentence, and we’ll make it our ‘thing’ .”
What’s holding you back from a GREAT marriage?Do you find yourselves taking each other for granted?
Has marriage lost that “spark”?
Learn how to feel connected again–and how changing the way you THINK about marriage can make all the difference.
Take me to it! 8. Put your Hand on his Shoulder in Bed and PrayYou can do this out loud, or you can tell him that you’re doing it but do it silently.
9. Write an “I Need Prayer For…” Whiteboard on the FridgePut a little box for everybody in the family, and encourage people to write their needs on it. Then people can spontaneously pray throughout the day when they see it, and people know their own needs are getting prayed for!
10. Plan an Extended Prayer Time Once a WeekIf you are comfortable praying together, then once a week, say on a Sunday night before bed, or on a Saturday morning when you get up, pray for a longer time about all your needs as a family and for other concerns you have. Remember to include times that you praise God for who He is, and thank Him for what He’s done! Again, if this is a regular, standing date that you have together, it’s more likely to become a part of your routine.
There you go! Ten ways to bring “little” prayers into your day. Tell me in the comments: which ones have you tried? Which ones have become regular for you? Or do you have something different that you do? Let me know!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The “You’re Not Methadone for His Porn Addiction” PodcastFeb 4, 2021 | 33 Comments
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